*written for the Head2Head Songfic
Challenge - October 2006*
Assigned Song - "Holy Water" sung by: Big 'n' Rich
The waves lapped against the shore as the moon rose high above the vast
expanse of ocean that lay before him. He drew his knees to his chest
and wrapped both arms around them leaning his head forward until his
lips touched his pants leg. There the salty odor of sand and sea water
filled his head as he breathed in deeply eyes clenched closed tightly. Assigned Song - "Holy Water" sung by: Big 'n' Rich
He felt the tears of his heart slip past his lids slowly sliding down his cheeks where they had coalesced and now ran down his neck, his chest, his stomach. It was like an endless wave, like the rolling waves before him.
He didn’t make a sound.
He didn’t know how long he sat there curled up, gently rocking as the lull of the waves soothed a ravaged soul, tears with no end mingling with the water from which they began. He finally chanced a peak at the seascape before him. Bleary eyes rested on the moon over the water, and the reflection cast against the waves. He didn’t bother to wipe his cheeks. He had done it over and over and still the tears came.
How could they not.
He wanted to wake up, a part of him felt like he had to be sleeping. To be stuck in some endless nightmare that would never end. A soft flutter of ocean air sailed over his body, his face. Wispy tendrils of comfort slid over his cheek, like icy fingers to sun burned skin. He turned into the breeze feeling it caress his neck and then slid under his shirt.
Ike froze.
The cool calm air kept descending until his looked to his shirt and saw it pushed open by unseen hands. All at once he slid backwards pushing hard with his feet. A spray of sand went up with the frantic action that sent him sprawling backwards. He looked about so unnerved that for but a moment the tears had stopped.
“Ike...” The whisper came on a gust of wind that danced in a whirlwind of sand around his body.
Ike pulled himself up to his feet feeling as if his sanity was swiftly flowing through his fingers like sand through a sieve. He felt another swirl of a breeze wrap around him craning his neck upward with the force of a soft fingers. He felt the tears spring to his eyes again and turned from the ocean toward the lantern lights of the city beyond and took up a brisk pace to get back to his hotel room.
Buck rolled over when he heard the door open and close, his dark eyes instantly looked to the bedside table and he let out a long deep breath. The urn was still there. Ike stood at the window looking out, shoulders hunched forward.
“You didn’t sprinkle the ashes?” Buck asked in confusion, yet as respectfully as possible. Ike didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge that he had heard. Buck pulled himself into a sitting position on the bed and got into his pants and shirt on while staring at the wall before him in solemn silence before he gathered up enough strength to talk to Ike. It had been months since Laura’s death. It was her last wish that if for some reason they never got to take that trip to California, that Ike take her ashes to the ocean and sprinkle them into the sea.
“Ike, I know you heard me.” Buck said casting a glance over his shoulder with a sigh. They had been here a week. This was their last night and Ike had promised to carry out the request tonight. Buck had honored Ike wanting to do it alone. “Ike?” Buck rose to his feet and looked to Ike in case he signed to him.
*It wasn’t right* Ike’s body shuddered under the weight of the silent words.
“It’s what she wanted.” Buck whispered. “It has to be right.”
Ike shook his head before slowly craning his face back far enough for Buck to see the tears that still crawled down his face. Buck clenched a fist as he walked toward his best friend. “Ike, you have to let her go. She asked for this.”
Ike continued to shake his head as his face crumpled before him breaking Bucks heart with the play of emotions that he saw wash over him. “Ike...”
*It wasn’t right* Ike persisted as his body shuddered again with the silent sob that overtook him.
Buck kept his distance. He didn’t know if Ike was talking about this moment or the way she died. Buck didn’t know what to say or do. He hadn’t since the moment it had happened. He had never seen Ike so far gone. So lost in his grief. The hardest part was Ike continuously pushing him away. He kept thinking that one day Ike would let him in, let him share some of the weight that clearly was weighing him down. To let him help to ease the guilt by telling him it wasn’t his fault. Ike wouldn’t have it though.
He didn’t want the burden lessened. He didn’t want to let any part of her go. Ike wouldn’t accept the help. He refused to let those around him to assist him in any way, save one. But that one saving grace, Buck knew he only allowed because Laura would have wanted it that way. Buck chanced another step forward and placed his hand on Ike’s shoulder. Ike normally shrank away from any offer of comfort. Buck was surprised that he didn’t tonight.
When Ike didn’t shrink away Buck took the opportunity to pull his friend, his brother into the first embrace that Ike had allowed. It didn’t last long. But in the short moment where Buck wrapped his arms around his brother and Ike finally pushed him away he felt the broken spirit that lay inside tear its way to the surface to anguish again. Buck had to do something. He had to get through to him. He felt like he lost Ike the moment that Laura died and he wanted his friend back.
“This has to stop, Ike.” Buck’s voice was barely over a whisper, but it held an authoritative air to it. “Laura would want you to go on. She would want you to live. To do what she asked you to do and to raise you’re son without a cloud hanging over you’re head for the rest of your life.”
As he spoke he looked to the make shift crib and the sleeping babe that rested within. As if he knew he had an audience the little ones eyes fluttered open, but he gave no sudden show that he was unhappy to see his uncle towering above him. Buck slowly reached down and picked up Benjamin.
It was a few moments later that Ike looked to the two of them and wiped at his eyes. Ike seemed to make a decision right before Buck’s eyes and he moved to get the urn. Ike paused looking at it for the longest time. Just holding it. Just standing there. Without a sound, without a sign. And then he was moving again. He walked to the door but stopped again and looked back over his shoulder silently asking Buck to follow with Benjamin.
Suddenly Buck knew why it hadn’t been right. Because Laura’s son had not been there to see her off on her way to Heaven. Buck followed quietly behind Ike, All the way to the shores edge. There was a solemn and respectful silence that fell over the group. Even Benjamin kept his peace.
Buck and Benjamin stood to Ike’s left as Ike found himself transfixed by the beauty of the ocean before them. He looked to his son before he slowly removed the top of the urn. He took in the ashes before him, all that was left of his beautiful wife, lost in childbirth and returned to the earth so that her journey could continue, now.
With a tears streaked kiss to the baby boys hairless head Ike took the first handful of ashes and let the wind that had beckoned him to this earlier take the ashes to sea. To let the holy water of the earth take what belonged to it. When the last ash was taken by the salty sea breeze. Ike turned back to the pair at his side. * Her journey has just begun*
Inspiration: I was listening and listening to "Holy Water" and I loved the lyrics and kept thinking of Lou. But every time sat I down to write I just could not for the life of me piece the story together. So one night I sat down and was thinking I’ll just use the title. Holy Water can mean a lot of things. I had been listening to the song again and it was actually a combination of the "Holy Water" title as well as lyrics and another song called "Letting the Candles Sleep" by Bush that just brought to life this excerpt that really represented what I felt from the song. Ike just came to life for me all at once and while I really took some liberties with the interpretation of the woman in the song actual being the angel that she wants to be called and letting the water of the ocean take her away and take her farther. I felt Ike’s pain when I started but, there was also something very unhindered about the resolution and the release of her ashes. So in the end I didn’t feel like I had just bastardized "Holy Water", in the sense of just using the title as I had originally planned. I felt like I had captured what it felt like to me.