A/N: Disclaimer: This would be in the realm of alternative story line. I would like to thank Dee who helped me put this in a coherent form. Thanks so much. Jimmy stepped onto the porch, in the noonday sun, feeling somewhat uneasy. He couldn't put his finger on it but he knew something was wrong. He took a step off the porch towards the stables. He needed to find Lou. They needed to leave here. He didn't know why but they had to go now. He searched the busy street and bustling storefront for her, as he stepped up his pace to the stables. Hearing a scream from the stables, he broke into an all out run. He rounded the corner just in time to see Lou being pulled onto the back of a horse unable to get a foothold against her attacker. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, her terror unmistakable. All at once, he froze. His hands felt like lead and he couldn't reach for his weapon. "Jimmy!" she pleaded, begging him to help her. He tried to lift his hand to the Colt at his side but he couldn't force it to perform such a simple action. "Jimmy! Please!" Her attacker spurred the horse away from the barn as she continued to scream his name. *~*~*~*~* Jimmy sat bolt upright in his bunk, out of breath. Hearing the soft rustling of the other riders, he reached up to touch his forehead and found it soaked in perspiration. He looked at Lou's empty bunk and suddenly scrambled up and out the door. Feeling a wave of panic wash over him, he rushed to the barn. Lightning was still gone. He leaned forward, placing his hands on his weak knees, and tried to catch his breath. 'Please be okay,' he prayed. For the first time in his life he wondered if she was as capable as he had always believed. He understood for a brief moment how Kid felt all the time. "Jimmy?" Buck called quietly behind him. " You okay?" Jimmy straightened himself up and tried to still his ragged breathing. He couldn't hide the abject fear in his eyes, though. "I'm fine," he managed after a moment, before starting back to the bunkhouse. Buck caught his arm as he passed. "What was it about?" "What?" Jimmy turned on him, wondering how he had known. "The nightmare." Buck wasn't easily fooled. He had had his fair share of them in his life. "Lou." Jimmy continued on his way satisfied that he had sated Buck's curiosity. He didn't consider that all Buck really wanted to do was help him. Jimmy was too busy trying to forget that the dream had occurred at all and to convince himself that Lou could take care of herself. *~*~*~*~* "You okay?" he asked her. She looked at him from the cover of the porch and had to shade her eyes from the glare of the sun. He looked familiar but she didn't recognize him. He was handsome though and she felt her stomach flutter nervously. She smiled and gave a nod. It didn't deter him and she was glad. "You sure?" "I'm fine." She smiled again. She didn't know why he would think otherwise. "That's a whole lot of blood for someone who's fine," he said, with an unsettling lack of fear. She looked down at what he was talking about. The entire front of her blue dress was covered in blood. There were cuts and scrapes and patches of raw skin all up and down her arms and legs. She gasped as the pain came. It washed over her, making her so dizzy, she had to grasp the porch rail to keep from falling forward. He didn't say anything else. She tried to pull herself to her feet. She needed a doctor. What had happened to her? She couldn't remember. She felt herself spinning, falling fast. She awoke slowly. The pain was still there, as was the dizziness. She had to push through the heavy veil of unconsciousness to open her eyes. She immediately tried to sit up. "Whoa there," a female voice said from what seemed like so far off. A steady hand pushed her back into the bed. "Go get the doctor," the woman said softly, to someone she couldn't see. "Lay down honey or your gonna hurt yourself." "Where am I?" She searched her memory for what had happened. She came up empty very fast, not only about what happened but also, about an entire life that should have been there. The realization that she didn't know anything caused such a panic that she thought she was going to pass out again. "You're at Doc Lewis's in Blue Creek," the woman answered softly. "Now calm down or you're gonna tear the stitches loose." "How did I get here?" She settled back into the bed trying to calm herself, but wondered if it were possible. The woman, tending to her, looked down, searching her face closely. "Do you know me?" she asked, hesitantly. "Honey I don't know how ya got here and I don't know you," the woman paused, a look of concern in her eyes. "Can you tell me what your name is?" The woman seemed more concerned now, about her state of mental health, then whether or not she was going to tear a stitch. "I don't remember." She was so confused. How could a person forget who they were? What had happened to her? Who was she? The doctor hurried into the room and leaned over her with a smile. He had not heard the exchange. "Well now, you gave us quite a scare there young lady. You're through the worst of it now though. Can you tell me what happened?" "I don't know," she replied with a tremor in her voice. " I can't remember.... I can't remember..." She tried to sit up, the full force of her own hysteria taking over. It was too much. How could she not know? Oh God, what was wrong with her? She fought the hands that quickly went to hold her back down. "You can't get up." When it was obvious that she wasn't hearing them, the doctor motioned for his nurse to help hold her down. "Alex, get me the laudanum. She's going to hurt herself." She fought with a strength that rivaled any man, even in her condition. "Geez, we're gonna need more help. Go get the Stan," the woman gasped, trying her best to hold the patient down. She kicked out and caught the nurse in the jaw sending the woman to the floor. The doctor gasped, and briefly let go, which was his biggest mistake. She punched him in the eye, knocking him out cold. Alex, who was now at the door, on his way to get help, stopped once he saw that the others were out of commission. She sat the rest of the way up and set her feet heavily on the floor. The nightgown clung to her feverish form and she winced from the pain in her side. He walked cautiously back in her direction. "You can't leave. You're in no condition to go anywhere. If you don't rest you're gonna wind up sick again." "What happened to me?" she panted, as she labored to breath. "You were attacked outside of town. Some kids found you a week ago. You've been unconscious since then." "A week?" she gasped. She had been asleep for an entire week. "Doc was starting to wonder if you were gonna to wake up." Alex held his hands up, as he got closer, to show that he meant not harm. "You'd been beaten pretty bad. You took a number of blows to the head. I'm guessing that's why you can't remember anything. Look, you probably don't want to remember. What was done to you ain't no little thing." "What was done....What happened?" She felt the surge of adrenaline begin to wane and, with it, the strength. Her weak body began to violently tremble. She was spinning again. "I don't think you need to hear all this now Miss," he said softly, stopping right in front of her. She nodded, finally giving into the shock. "Lay back down. We aren't gonna to let anything happen to you." She did as he said, feeling the rest of the fight leave her body. She couldn't think straight any more. She wasn't sure she had been thinking straight at all. After gently covering her back up, he went and checked on the doctor and the nurse. Both were now coming around. *~*~*~*~* "Rider coming," Rachel hollered from the porch. Cody mounted his horse and took off for the exchange, as Jimmy and Kid went back to their work on the fence. "She should have been back yesterday," Kid had been saying. Jimmy was tired of hearing him worry over Lou when the two weren't even seeing each other any more. Besides, Kid had started courting a young woman in town four months ago and he was still checking up on Lou. Jimmy hammered harder wishing he could drown out the sound of Kid's voice. He was worried too. She had taken some personal time to go to St. Jo for two weeks to visit with her family. He had missed her something awful the entire time, more, he thought, then Kid could possibly know. Lou and Jimmy had been together for two months now. They had been out on a ride and finally expressed their feelings for each other, and what should have been an innocent kiss, turned into a night of passion. They had both decided to take it much slower since then and hadn't told the others yet. "I thought you wasn't keeping track no more, Kid. What with Alice and all." Jimmy thought that if he couldn't drown him out with the noise, maybe he could shut him up. It didn't work though. "Someone has too," he replied, not realizing just how sore Jimmy was on the subject. "Let it drop, Kid." Jimmy dropped the hammer and straightened up, glaring at him. She wasn't his concern anymore and he was tired of him thinking she was. "I already talked to Teaspoon. Me and Buck are heading out in the morning." Kid was stunned. He saw the fire burning behind Jimmy's eyes. "What's gotten into you?" he asked, straightening up himself. Kid knew that Jimmy and Lou had grown closer but, from the look on Jimmy's face now, he could tell that his friend thought he had crossed the line. It slowly started to sink in and a wave of jealousy, that Kid knew he shouldn't be feeling, coursed through him. "When did you two...." Kid didn't need to finish the question; Jimmy knew what he was asking. "We started courting about a month and a half before she left," he answered, undeterred. Jimmy watched Kid visibly flinch at the confirmation. *~*~*~*~* She awoke to the sound of humming. The nurse was bustling about, behind her somewhere, and humming a soft tune as she worked. She heard someone stir at her side and noticed that Alex had fallen asleep in a chair beside the bed. "You aren't gonna hit any one this time are you?" Doc Lewis asked, a smile in his voice. She couldn't believe that someone, who only yesterday she had knocked out, was joking about the occurrence. "No sir...I'm so sorry." She felt horrible about it. She had been so panicked that the only thing she could think about was getting out of his office. Alex blinked the sleep out of his eyes and looked her over. "Well you're doing much better...how's that memory?" The Doc asked. The doc stood on her other side, as Alex quickly got to his feet. "I guess I better be getting back to the marshal then," he said, before she had a chance to answer. For the first time, she noticed his badge. He was a deputy. "Glad to see your back...no more fighting though or I'm gonna have to take ya in," he joked, before excusing himself. She racked her brain, after he had left, and still came up empty. She couldn't remember anything. "Nothing," she finally replied to the doctor. Sighing, Doc Lewis wiped his spectacles off with his sleeve. "Well, it will either come back or it won't. I wish I could tell you more but that's all I know. We are going to have to call you something for the time being though." While the doctor thought of a name for her, she noticed that the nurse didn't come over from whatever work she had been doing. She hoped that she hadn't hurt the woman badly. "How about Amelia?" he suggested. "I reckon that'll do as well as any other name." 'Amelia,' she thought to herself. It sounded okay. She didn't really care one way or another. She just wished she knew what her real name was. She looked longingly at the wall, wishing the answer would just surface in her mind. "Well, Amelia. You'll be able to get up and a round for just a little bit today. You can even sit out on the porch this afternoon, if you're still feeling better, but I don't want you up too long. I'm gonna send some posters to a couple of the marshals, in some neighboring towns, to see if anyone knows who you are." "What about whoever attacked me...what if they see them?" she asked, fearfully. "I don't think that'll be a problem. The marshal thinks they're long gone now." She nodded, hoping he was right. "Well then lets get you up." *~*~*~*~* "I'm sure she's fine." Buck hoped, as Jimmy did, that what he said was true. Jimmy wasn't so sure about it, though. There was a possibility that she had stayed a few extra days. It was a small possibility. She knew that they would worry, if she weren't back on time. There were a hundred reasons why she could have stayed or been detained. He didn't like to think of most of them. "If it weren't for the nightmares, I might be inclined to agree," Jimmy finally replied. He had never had many dreams that he remembered, especially not ones that were so painful. He hoped that they meant nothing and that he was reading more into them then he aught to, but something inside him wouldn't let his mind find peace with the idea. "I don't know Buck. Something just doesn't feel right." *~*~*~*~* They stabled their horses in St. Jo and went straight to the marshal's office. Jimmy stopped short when he saw the poster on the door. Buck followed his gaze. "She wanted for something?" Buck pondered, in shock. Jimmy ripped the poster off and stormed into the office. "Is this some kind of joke?" he asked, catching the deputy off guard. "What's she wanted for?" "What's it to ya?" the deputy asked, suspiciously. "We came here looking for her. She didn't come home when she was supposed to. What's she wanted for?" Jimmy didn't understand this. What had she done? "She's not wanted," a voice said, behind them. They turned to see the marshal walk in. "The notice came from Blue Creek just this morning. The marshal there is looking for her family." Jimmy and Buck both felt a swift sinking feeling. Most of the time families were notified when their kin was dead. "Is she..." Jimmy paled. He couldn't finish the question. He didn't want to think about it. He realized that he hadn't even entertained the idea in his mind. He wouldn't let himself. "Not that I know of.... But you'll have to talk to the marshal in Blue Creek." Before the man could get out another word, Jimmy was out the door, heading for the stables. Buck was right behind him calling his name. Jimmy was on his horse, ready to ride, by the time Buck made it to his. "It's gonna take two days to get there, Jimmy. The horses need rest." Buck could see from the look on Jimmy's face that he was not thinking rationally. There was nothing rational about love, though. "They'll make it 'til nightfall," Jimmy said, stubbornly. Buck nodded in agreement. If they stopped at dusk, then the horses would be okay. They wouldn't be in the best shape, but they would be okay. He mounted up and followed Jimmy towards Blue Creek. *~*~*~*~* Amelia sat on the porch, for the third day in a row, wondering if 'Amelia' was the right name for her. It didn't sound like the right name but, then again, she didn't know what did. She sat on the solid swing and cozied up under the soft shawl the nurse had given her. She looked down at her exposed arms. They looked horrible, even a week after the fact; colored in shades of green, yellow and brown,with scars from the deep cuts covering her from wrist to shoulder. She knew her legs didn't look much better but was glad that no one could see them. Trying to ignore the pain, she watched the people coming and going along the busy street in town. Many of them looked her way, some of them pausing and whispering to their companions. It made her feel self-conscious and more than a little embarrassed. She felt as if they knew something that she didn't, and, when she met their eyes, the pity there caused her a moment of actual pain. She realized that she didn't want anyone's pity. The idea of them pitying her was insulting. It was as if she had avoided pity long before now. She noticed Alex walking across the street, carrying two wrapped bundles in his hands. He smiled as he stepped onto the porch and gently sat down beside her, trying to keep the swing from swaying. "You look better." He handed her one of the wrapped bundles. "Rosie at the saloon made 'em." He unwrapped a biscuit and sliced ham. "She can't cook much but she does well by a pig." Amelia smiled, stifling a laugh when her ribs complained rather loudly. "Thank you," she replied, and opened her own bundle. A couple of woman paused to whisper about her almost within earshot and her smile quickly faded. "What happened to me Alex?" she asked, when they had gone. "Nothing to talk about over lunch," he replied quietly. "Eat up and then we'll talk about it." She picked at the food, not sure she could keep it down. Her stomach had been bothering her since she had woken up. She ate as much as she could, enjoying the comfortable silence that rested between them. When, at last, Alex finished his own lunch, she wrapped hers up and set it to the side. He caught her eye and searched her face, as she waited expectantly for the answer to the question she had asked, what seemed like ages ago. "They found ya outside town. You were left for dead...and not fairing much better than that. Looked like you had been dragged for a while. Whatever happened didn't happen in Blue Creek. I don't know who could do such a thing. You'd been beat and..." he paused, not sure if he should finish telling her. She saw it in his face. She had feared as much, she was sore in places she knew she aught not be. She had hoped it wasn't true but, for once, she was glad she didn't remember what had happened. "Forced," she said for him. She was disgusted at the thought but, without the memory to frighten her, it was as if they were speaking of someone else. "Yeah," he replied in a whisper. Alex was far more disgusted then she was. She reasoned that he wasn't surrounded by the unreality of everything as she was. "I hate to say this 'cause I know you want to remember your life but I'm glad that you don't right now." "I know...I think I am too." Before she could go on, her stomach lurched, and she had to move as fast as she could to keep from throwing up the rest of her lunch on the deputy. When she finished, she whimpered, feeling white-hot pain snaking through her side. "Doc!" Alex was in the door in an instant. She slid from her knees, where she had been propping herself over the rail, to sit on the porch, unable to pull herself back up. As she teetered on the edge of consciousness, she felt welcome arms around her, carrying her back into the office. "She's sick again," Alex said, as he laid her back in bed. The doctor looked her over visibly puzzled. He checked the stitches along her side and the other scrapes and cuts. Then he looked back to Alex. "She doesn't have a fever and I don't see any signs of infection. Maybe it was just too much excitement for one day." She let Alex cover her back up and drifted away, far from the voices and the pain. She slept for two days, waking only to empty her stomach early in the morning. The doctor was beginning to suspect what the real culprit was and, on the third day, he offered her a few crackers and some water before she tried to get up. She didn't get sick. And welcomed the nourishment, she felt famished. *~*~*~*~* Jimmy and Buck rode their horses to the stables in Blue Creek. It had been a long ride and they were both worn out. The horses were past the point of complaining and now were ready to rest. "I'm heading on over to the marshal's office," Jimmy said and handed his reins to Buck. The young Kiowa nodded. He knew how worried Jimmy was and had to admit that he was now more then a little concerned. Jimmy jogged across the street to the office and grabbed another one of the posters off the front. The sign read at the top: "Seeking information on this woman." Jimmy said a silent prayer that she was okay. "Can I help you?" A young man, no older than himself, with a deputy's badge on, sat behind a small table in the front of the office. "I'm here to find out what this is all about." Jimmy handed him the poster, just as Buck walked in behind him. "Is she okay?" The deputy looked him over then sized up the man behind him. He could see genuine concern on both of their faces. His instincts told him that they were okay but he still wanted to ask a few questions. Alex didn't want to turn her over to complete strangers. "You know her?" he asked, cautiously. "Yeah she was due into Rock Creek a week ago. Marshal Hunter sent us to St. Jo to find her. Found her picture posted all over the place there and they told us to come here." Jimmy was so tired, his vision was beginning to blur, but he'd fight exhaustion to find Lou. He added, "Her name's Louise McCloud." "And you are?" Alex thought they looked as if they had ridden hard to get there. "I'm Jimmy Hickok and this is Buck Cross. We're Pony Express riders out of Rock Creek." "Alex Davis." He stood up and held out his hand to greet them. After the introductions, he headed for the door, taking his hat off the rack and placing it on his head. "She's been missing for how long you say?" He held the door, as Jimmy and Buck followed him out onto the boardwalk. "Don't rightfully know how long she's been missing. She went to St. Jo about three weeks ago to see her family. She was supposed to be back a week ago," Jimmy filled him in. "Her family violent?" Alex asked, as he led them across the street. Jimmy and Buck exchanged worried glances. "What's happened to her?" Jimmy followed him up onto the doctor's porch. "She was found about a week ago outside of town. Been dragged about a quarter of a mile before they dropped her and left her for dead. Never seen anyone in her condition make it. She'd been beat and raped. It's a miracle she's still in one piece." He leveled an angry gaze on Jimmy. "Why anyone would let a beautiful woman travel back and forth to St. Jo alone is beyond me." "She usually refuses to let anyone go with her," Buck replied, trying to ease the tension, even as his inside were churning at the thought of what Lou must have gone through. "And I've seen more then my fair share of men go down when they tried to stop her." He thought back to the last time she had knocked Kid out when he got in her way. "That's the way she's always wanted it," Jimmy finally said, his nightmare playing itself out in his head, in a continuous loop. Even Lou couldn't get out of every situation. He knew now why Kid worried. She wasn't invincible, no matter how well equipped she was to protect herself, she couldn't possibly avoid all danger. No one could. Seeing that Alex was withholding something, Jimmy eyed the deputy. "What aren't you telling us?" Alex looked down at the ground. They were squirming under the guilt of his accusations and he was glad. Someone should have been with her. "See for yourself." Though Alex hoped that their presence would jog her memory, he didn't want them to know upfront, in case his instinct was wrong and they could somehow use it against her. He opened the door and led them in. "Doc, these men came from Rock Creek. They say they know Amelia." "Amelia...what the..." Jimmy trailed off when he saw Lou sitting in front of the fire, her small form wrapped in a blanket. She looked back at them curiously, leaning her head back against the high backed chair, exhausted by even that small action. Could she not get up? Was she not excited to see him? Was she mad that no one was there to help her? "Louise? Lou?" he called. She looked up again, this time meeting his eye. Jimmy was across the room before he could acknowledge that something was terribly wrong. Something that he couldn't fathom. After everything that she had been through, all he could think about was holding her. "Lou?" He knelt down beside her. "You okay, honey?" He looked so familiar. She had seen him somewhere recently. He was the one in her dream that had been asking her if she was okay. "I've seen you before... I had a dream about you the other night." "I had a dream about you too," he said, in confusion. Of course she had seen him before. They had spent more time together, since they had been making runs for the Express, than any of the other riders knew. "I do know you, don't I?" she continued, so hopeful, as her hand slowly traced the outline of his face, so softly. "Jimmy." Buck was beginning to understand but Jimmy wasn't listening to him. All of his friend's attention was on the woman before him. For the first time, Buck let it sink in that Jimmy was desperately in love with her. Buck had told himself that the two of them spending all that time together, since Lou and Kid had broken up, was just their way of being friends. How could he have been so blind? They had been a lot more then friends for months now. "Yeah you know me." Jimmy felt the tears welling up. What was wrong with her? "What's my name?" she asked, quietly. It was such a simple question but Jimmy knew, by the look on her face, that it meant the world to her now. "It's Louise...Louise McCloud," he stammered over the words, choking back the tears. He didn't want her to see him cry. Doc Lewis walked in from the next room and watched the exchange closely. "Louise," she repeated dreamily, as if saying it for the first time. "It's a nice name." "Yes, yes it is." He got to his feet, cursing the tears that spilled down his cheeks. The doctor's hand rested on his shoulder. He steered him towards the door. "Lets go talk outside," he said, as they went. Alex watched as Buck followed them out. There was no longer a doubt in his mind that they had no ill intentions for her. He sat down next to her by the fire. "She's a little addled. She's just taken some laudanum," the doctor explained, as he closed the door behind them. "She's had a rough time of things." "What's wrong with her?" Jimmy looked in the window at her, as she smiled and talked to the deputy. "Well, aside from her physical injuries, she just doesn't remember anything. Not even her name. I don't know if she will remember or not, but I would wager, that if anything would help, it would be to surround her with friends and family, in a place she knows well." He took his glasses off and wiped them on his shirt. "There's something else though." "What?" Buck and Jimmy asked in unison. They couldn't imagine what else there could be. "She's pregnant. About two months by my estimation." Jimmy had to grab the porch rail to hold himself up. He had known that Kid and Lou had been together but it had been far longer then two months ago. It wasn't Kid's. He remembered the night they first told each other how they felt. It had been a wonderful night but they had agreed to slow things down since then. He never would have thought that they had made a baby. "But Kid and Lou..." Buck trailed off, watching Jimmy. "You and Lou?" "For about two months now," Jimmy said, quietly. Buck placed his hand against his friends back to steady him. "Can she be moved?" Jimmy, still pale from shock, turned to the doctor. "Yes, but I would suggest a wagon. She still needs a lot of rest. She's mending well but too much excitement and I'm afraid she may lose the baby. Which brings me to something else. Getting your memory back can be quite traumatic, especially with the horrors locked away in hers. She may become hysterical when it first returns. She will need to be watched closely." "She'll be surrounded by people," Buck assured him. "And well cared for." "I'll make the trip with you." Alex walked onto the porch. He had heard most of the discussion. "I can bring the wagon back when she gets settled." It was a good excuse. He knew the marshal wouldn't mind. The real reason he wanted to go was hard for him to put his finger on. He cared about her. They had talked a lot the last few days and the thought of her being gone left a sort of empty place inside him. He needed to do this. He needed to take his time to say goodbye. It looked like the only way he was going to get to do that was to go along with them to Rock Creek. He watched as Buck and Jimmy exchanged another glance. The two men were hiding something inside those sideways glances. He didn't know what it was but he was going to find out. If he was going to allow her to go with them, he wanted to make sure she was as well taken care of as they promised. "Sounds like a good idea." The doctor beamed at them all. "Never can be too careful these days and another rider would reduce the odds of getting held up. Especially with such precious cargo." Buck was about to disagree with the good doctor but Jimmy cut him off before the words actually left his mouth. "Alright. We leave in the morning." *~*~*~*~* "I don't like it Jimmy," Buck said. Buck sat beside him on the swing, outside the doctor's office, later that evening. Lou had a lot of secrets. The fact that she couldn't remember them didn't negate the fact that they were still there. He knew that, with the baby, her riding days were going to be over but it still didn't seem right to out her like it was going to happen. Everyone in Rock Creek thought she was a boy. Memory or no, nobody, besides the people at the station, was going to recognize her. How were they going to explain to her and her new bodyguard what had been going on for almost a year? "Just 'cause you don't like it doesn't mean it ain't going to happen," Jimmy answered, putting an end to the discussion. Jimmy was staring at the storefront next door, but not actually seeing it. He was lost within his own mind. He was thinking of everything that had been done to her and the new life that grew within her. He was thinking about how much they loved each other and that she couldn't even remember it. He was also thinking about how the monsters who had done this were still free. He wanted them to pay and nobody even had a clue who had done it. The only person who could shed some light on it couldn't remember. He swore to himself that if he ever found out who it was, they would be dead. If not by the hangman's noose, then by his hand. He had never wanted anyone dead as much as those responsible for this. He didn't care what kind of person that made him. In his mind it was justice. "Jimmy, Lou wouldn't want it to come out like this." "Buck, in case you hadn't noticed, Lou's not exactly herself. Way I see it, there's no way around it." Jimmy gritted his teeth, knowing Buck wasn't going to let this go. "So you're going to just tell her she's been pretending to be a boy to ride for the Express?" Buck was not put off by the threatening tone or pigheadedness. "When I have to I will. I'm not going to tell her right now. I don't see us being able to hide it for long though. I mean we're going to have to move her things to the main house. She's going to wonder why they were in the bunkhouse. Not to mention that no one in town knows her as Louise." "And how do you think the deputy's going to react to all that?" Buck saw a rocky road ahead for all of them. Jimmy looked him straight in the eye. "I don't give a rat's ass what the deputy thinks. He's not staying. He's just going to make sure we are telling the truth." "And how do you think we're going to convince him of that when, for all the whole town knows, Louise McCloud doesn't exist?" "I don't see why we have to. She's family Buck, and if he doesn't see that when he gets there, then he's a blind fool." Jimmy rose to his feet. He didn't want to get into a fight. He knew that Buck was bringing up good points but he was too tired, and his head was too full of other thoughts, to even entertain the idea of thinking about what Buck was saying. "I'll see ya in the morning." He walked into the doctor's office, grabbed a chair and sat down next to Lou's bed. He settled in and watched her chest rise and fall rhythmically as his exhaustion finally overcame him. *~*~*~*~* The ride back to Rock Creek was quiet. Not just by the absence of outlaws but by the absence of conversation altogether. The three men didn't have much to say to each other and Lou slept the whole way back. Jimmy took the time to think, yet again, about everything that had happened. He was scared for Lou and himself. If his reputation would be enough to endanger her, which was the whole reason he had been opposed to a relationship in the first place, then how would a child fair? The fact that the two of them had started a relationship despite all of that did little to ease his mind. She was a good shot if she could remember how to use a gun, but a baby. The thoughts swirled around, keeping him moody company at best, as they entered Rock Creek. *~*~*~*~* Lou awoke with a start. She had been dreaming of a man standing over her. She felt a shiver go through her as she sat up, catching herself on the wall of the wagon as she was jostled about. She had been terrified. Not just terrified but unable to defend herself. She had cursed herself in the dream for letting fear take such a hold over her and she remembered the eerie impression of a gun that still felt like a phantom in her hand. She looked at her palm and had the sensation that she had held a gun on many occasions. In the dream, even through the frozen fear, it had felt natural. Her inability to use it had not. What kind of person was she? She leaned back against the wall for more leverage when her balance failed her. She carried a gun, She knew how to use one well and had more then once fired one. Had she killed anyone? Was she a criminal? How did she learn to use one so well? She tried to shake away the horrifying figures that had haunted her dreams. She squashed the thoughts away when she kept running into a wall with the memories. Unconsciously, she ran a slender hand over her flat stomach and found herself drawn to that thought instead. She was going to have a baby. When she had found out, she had cried herself to sleep. How could she have a baby when she didn't know who the father was or if she was even married? She had fingered the spot for a ring on her ring finger on several occasions since she had discovered her condition. She didn't think a ring had rested there before she had forgotten her entire life, it didn't feel right, but then again what did and didn't feel right was all but lost to her at the moment. Was she married? What would a husband think of her if she had forgotten him? Was he one of the two men that had come to fetch her? She hadn't noticed either one wearing a ring. What if she wasn't married? It was just another thing that people could either look down on her for or pity her for. The wagon came to a stop and Jimmy climbed into the back to help her out. She could hear a multitude of voices calling out from nearby. She took Jimmy's hand, as another man raced to the back of the wagon, his face full of concern. She thought there was something familiar about him, some tiny bit of a memory trying to surface, but it slipped away before it could become a full- formed image. "Lou," he gasped. She met the man's eyes, as Jimmy gently set her feet on the ground from his place still in the wagon next to the man. "Kid not too much...she needs to rest up," Jimmy warned the man he called Kid. She must know him or he wouldn't be looking at her like she had grown another head. "Lou, are you okay?" he asked, his arms encircling her. She winced even under the gentleness of the hug and managed to give him a little squeeze in return. "What happened?" She didn't know what to tell him. She had hated to see the pain in Jimmy's face when she had not recognized him and now she was going to have to tell this man also. She prayed he wasn't the baby's father. She couldn't bear hurting someone whom she knew she was supposed to love. "I'm fine, Kid." She repeated his name as she had heard it from Jimmy. " I was attacked. Some kids found me outside of Blue Creek. Jimmy found me at the doc's place there," she replied, hoping it was enough. Kid let Lou go and met her eyes. Something wasn't right. She hadn't railed into him for worrying or about how they were over or even simply told him it was none of his business. She looked vulnerable and weak, almost passive. She was placating him, giving him just enough to leave her alone. "What's wrong?" He took a step back, as Jimmy hopped down. He knew what was physically wrong with her, anyone could tell she was still mending, but he had known her too long to think her behavior was normal. Lou, near panic, looked to Jimmy and he stepped to her side in an instant. "I can't do this," she said, as a tear ran down her face. Jimmy put his hands on her arms and steered her towards Buck, as the others were gathering around. "I'm sorry," she said to Kid. "What? Lou?" Kid didn't know what to think. "Would you mind taking her on in to the house?" Jimmy said quietly to Buck. "It's fine," Buck said, as he led her towards Rachel's house, looking back over his shoulder at the exchange that was about to take place. The other riders and Alex had gathered around the back of the wagon and were watching as Lou retreated from them. Rachel watched from her own porch as Buck brought the young lady up the steps. "You okay Lou?" She smiled warmly. Lou shook her head. "Let me get her in the bed Rachel. I can tell you about it then," Buck answered. Rachel gave an understanding nod and waited for him to return. "What was that all about? What happened to her? What's wrong with her?" Kid was asking back over by the wagon. Jimmy put his hand on Kid's chest to hold him back from running in the house after her. He knew that Kid still loved her but he also knew that Lou was carrying his baby and right now it wasn't Kid's place. It hadn't been for a while. "Listen before you go off half-cocked," Jimmy called out loudly, pushing Kid back. It was a strange role reversal. Jimmy was the one who usually had to be stopped before he did something he might regret. He inhaled deeply, fighting to keep his own anger in check. He didn't want to fight Kid right now but there was a fight in Jimmy, one that he didn't want to let out any time soon. Everyone froze, watching the exchange, as they waited for Jimmy to explain. "Lou got attacked. I think it happened in St. Jo. No one's really sure though. She was beaten and raped and left for dead outside of Blue Creek. Before you ask, I don't know who or how many of them there were. The only one who knows that is Lou." "Why hasn't she told anyone?" Teaspoon interrupted him. He knew that something like she had been through was tough but surely she had enough wits about her to give a description of her attackers. Buck stepped back onto the porch and stopped short from telling Rachel what was going on as he eyed the activity out in the yard. He could feel the tension emanating between Jimmy and Kid already. He knew what would soon follow. Rachel was already lost in the scene, she could hear the explanations from where she stood and Buck could see that it was hitting her hard. It was a lot to take all at once. "She don't remember," Jimmy paused watching it sink in. "Not just the attack. She doesn't remember anything. I had to tell her her own name when I found her." Thinking on it had been hard enough, but now as he told them what had happened, he had to fight to stay in control. He was close to tears again. He wished he could just leave it at that but he knew he had to tell them everything. Sighing, he continued, "She's also got a baby coming." Jimmy watched as most of the riders looked at Kid in shock. If they had thought about how flat her belly was then the reaction may have been different. Everyone knew about the relationship Kid and Lou had shared. The fact remained that only Kid and Buck knew that Jimmy and Lou were seeing each other. "It's not Kid's." Jimmy's gaze fell away from his friends to the dirt beneath his feet. "Well if it's not Kid's then whose is it?" Cody piped in, as only he would dare. It wasn't that he wasn't afraid. He just didn't think sometimes. "It's mine." Jimmy met Kid's glare. Kid looked away for just a second as the anger flashed across his face. All at once, he lunged at Jimmy and landed a punch square across Jimmy's jaw. Jimmy reacted to the punch with a low growl. He pushed against the force of Kid's body and shoved him backwards so hard that Kid lost his footing and slid backwards on his back. Jimmy didn't wait for Kid to get up. Kid may have started it but Jimmy was going to finish it. He didn't think he could stop himself. Kid sat up, his legs still sprawled haphazardly, and managed to get his knees under him before Jimmy dived at him. The two locked arms, grappling each other and rolled, each of them was fighting to get leverage against the other. The rest of the boys were on them in an instant, pulling them apart. Jimmy landed another blow, and received the same from Kid, before being yanked backwards. "Jimmy you snake!" Kid screamed, as Ike and Cody wrestled him back. "You got no room Kid!" Jimmy shouted back, fighting off Teaspoon and Buck. No sooner were they both free then they raced back and laid into each other again. This time Kid got the upper hand and took Jimmy to the ground. The others scrambled again to break them up. "I trusted you!" Kid was shouting as he was pulled off of Jimmy again. "She's not yours Kid. You broke it off because she wouldn't marry you!" "Why you..." Kid lunged against his restrainers, nearly taking them with him across the yard towards Jimmy. "Enough!" Teaspoon had to yell to be heard over them. "Think about Lou. She's in there listening to you two. I don't see how she couldn't be, the way you two are carrying on." He looked ready to lay into them both just to end the fight. They backed down but still watched the other closely. When everyone seemed calm enough to reason with, Teaspoon turned his attention to Alex. "Now who's this?" he asked Jimmy. "Alex Davis," Jimmy replied, finally looking away from Kid. " He's a deputy out of Blue Creek. He's gonna take the wagon back for us." "Well Mr. Davis, I'm Teaspoon Hunter.... I wish the circumstances were different." Teaspoon eyed Jimmy and Kid before moving to shake the man's hand. "Thank you for taking care of our sweet Louise. Don't know what we would do without her." "Looks like ya might have a little more peace around here." Alex smiled nodding in Jimmy and Kid's direction. "Those two would find something to fight over whether Lou was here or not. She's a right special young lady though and I have to say I think we're all a little better just from knowing her." Teaspoon saw just from talking to the young deputy that he was searching for something. It was in his eyes. In the way he moved. "Mr. Hunter - " "Teaspoon please," Teaspoon interrupted him. "Teaspoon. I was wondering why any of you would let a woman travel to St. Jo alone. You seem to have more then enough help to have sent someone with her. I mean, if she's as special to you as you say ...I just don't understand." "My boy, that woman is as stubborn as a mule. She's a crack shot and hell bent on proving she can take care of herself. She wouldn't have had it any other way unless someone had hogtied her to the horse and dragged her along with them," Teaspoon replied. He looked toward the house and saw her silhouette in the bedroom window. "Don't you think that would have been better then this?" Alex didn't believe what he was hearing. "Mr. Davis, I would bet money on her in a fair fight any day. I got a feeling that whatever happened it wouldn't have made a difference if she'd had an escort or not." Alex just stared at him. He had never met the woman that Teaspoon was describing. The woman he had seen had been frail and scared. He suddenly thought back to the night she had first awoke. She had taken the doctor and the nurse down before he had time to reach the door. Who was she really? "If you say so," he replied. "I do." Teaspoon clapped his hands together, giving Jimmy and Kid the once over, then turned back towards the house. Now that the fighting was over, he felt the weight of what had happened to Lou sink in. "I reckon it's 'bout supper time. Come on in." *~*~*~*~* Lou was out of the bed just after the door closed behind Buck. She had rested so much that she was sick and tired of resting. She went to the window and watched the others talk. She didn't know what they were saying but she had a good idea what it was about. Jimmy looked down nervously. She could see Kid was angry. When he looked back up, he had barely gotten the words out before Kid landed the punch. She gasped. Jimmy was knocked back but his fist connected with Kid's jaw on his way down. The two hit the ground hard and rolled, both fighting for leverage as the others scrambled to pull them apart. Something stirred deep in the back of her mind. She felt anger of her own boiling to the surface. What confused her was that she didn't know where it came from. Watching them fight was like a thorn in her side. She wanted to scream at them to stop, but the part of her that had lost sight of who she was halted the action. She watched as they broke free from the others and collided again. They were fighting over her. Instinct took over and she walked to the door. She had to stop them. This wasn't right. They had no right. She stopped her hand trembling above the doorknob. Where were these thoughts coming from? Her memory? "I love you, you know." She fumbled for the wall to catch her balance from the sudden image. It was of Kid smiling up at her from his spot on the dew-kissed grass. She had been pulling a pair of pants back on over her still damp skin, near a pond. They had just been for a swim. In a flash, it was gone, leaving her breathless, bracing herself against the wall so she didn't fall. She had mistaken the love in Kid's eyes for concern, only moments ago. They were lovers. He had to be the baby's father. 'Oh God.' She slid to the floor, feeling her knees give way. She felt the tears burn her cheeks, as she was racked by the wave of sobs. Why couldn't she remember him? She gave in to the full force of the emotions that swam in her confused head and let the full flow of tears come. She just wanted to be herself again. She wanted to pick up wherever she had left off and know these people that she was supposed to know. She wanted her life back. One image of a sketchy memory was a far cry from wholeness. It seemed like ages before she came to her senses. She was still on the floor, her knees drawn to her chest and her cheeks still damp from the tears. Lou got to her feet and wiped her face off. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to rekindle a relationship when she didn't even remember it. There was a light tap at the door and then it opened slowly, the lamp from the hallway casting a soft glow to the room. "Lou?" Rachel entered hesitantly. When she saw her standing there in the dark, she paused a moment to see that she was okay. "I'm Rachel Dunne," she introduced herself. Lou smiled at her. "You want some supper? I've got the table all set." When Lou didn't answer, she added, "You don't have to come out if you don't want to. I can bring you some in here." "No." Lou knew if she was ever going to get her memory back, she couldn't just hide in her room. "I'll be there in a minute. Thank you," she replied and swallowed the lump in her throat. Rachel gave her another sweet smile and a nod and went back to the others. Smoothing out her skirt, Lou turned to the mirror to make sure that her face wasn't tear streaked. She realized that she hadn't looked at herself. It was startling to not recognize the person who blinked back at her. She inhaled sharply and then stuffed down the feelings that threatened to take over again. She wasn't going to fall apart. She wouldn't let herself. She shrugged it off and walked out the door, towards the dinning room. *~*~*~*~* "Who could do something like that," Kid said softly. He looked as if the wind had been knocked out of him. "I mean she...." he trailed off, looking at his hands. "I've never seen her in such bad shape." "She's doing a lot better then when she was first brought in," Alex replied, listening to the others as they talked about the horrible circumstances. "She was unconscious for a week. The doctor was starting to think she might not wake up." "Well, she's a fighter. I bet she gave 'em hell." Cody added and it seemed that he was the only one whose stomach was unaffected by the news. Jimmy pushed his food around on his plate. He couldn't eat. He hadn't had much of anything since he had found her. His stomach felt tied up in knots. "Speaking of them. Cody...Ike, I want you boys to make a run to St. Jo and see if you can find out what happened. Someone had to have seen her, even if it's just her brother and sister." Teaspoon didn't like not knowing who was responsible. "Kid I need you to take the ride tomorrow." Teaspoon knew Lou had been scheduled next. "Sure." Kid popped a fork full of the food into his mouth. He had been planning on volunteering for it anyway. He needed the solitude. He needed to be away from Jimmy and Lou. As much as he would have liked to be there for her, he didn't think it would help her. She was so confused. She didn't even know who he was. Lou walked into the middle of the quiet conversation. Everyone stopped and looked up at her. Jimmy got to his feet, as she paused in the doorway. He made his way over to her. "You okay?" Jimmy hadn't thought she would be up and about tonight. He wanted to tell her that the baby was his but it seemed like he would be pushing her to be with him if he did. He wanted her to find her way back with her memory in tact. "I'm fine. You can quit asking me, Jimmy." Lou thought it was strange for Jimmy to be hovering over her so much considering she had such a strong memory of Kid. She watched Kid as she moved to find a seat. He watched her too. Kid on the other hand was keeping his distance. She didn't understand why he was acting like there was nothing between them especially after what she had seen in his face when he had first seen her. He loved her. She knew that. What she didn't know was why he wasn't acting like it. Maybe her memory was wrong. Maybe it had been wishful thinking. She sat down and Rachel set a plate in front of her. The two of them smiled at each other. Lou was glad to see another woman. Rachel made her feel well taken care of. She seemed like she was a good friend. "Lou... I thought it might make it a little easier on you if I introduced everyone," Rachel said, quietly. Everyone glanced about a little nervously. Lou realized it was a strange thing for them. While they all knew her, she didn't have an inkling as to who any of them were or how she was related to them. She didn't know what she did here or if she had family somewhere. If she did have family, why wasn't she with them? She had thought about all these things over and over until her head hurt so bad that she couldn't stand to think about it anymore. Lou watched the faces of these people that she was supposed to know, as Rachel made her way around the table. Rachel placed her hands on the first young man's shoulders. He had his head shaved bald and a red bandana in place of the absent hair. He looked up at her shyly and smiled. "This is Ike, he doesn't talk with words but he has plenty to say anyway." Rachel smiled down at him and he gave Lou a little wave. Nodding, Lou smiled at him. Rachel moved on to the next young man. He had a mane of straight blondish brown hair that favored the blondish side. He looked up at her and smiled trying to hurriedly swallow the mouthful of food he had been working on. " This is..." "I'm Cody, Lou. If you need anything I'll be more then happy to help ya. I got all your books still stacked up..." Cody broke in. "That'll do Cody," Teaspoon cut him off. "If you need your ear talked straight off your head, he's the man for the job," Teaspoon added. Lou fought the urge to laugh, knowing her side would complain again. Rachel moved onto Buck. "You've met Buck." He smiled at her and she returned it with another nod. Rachel moved onto Jimmy. "And Jimmy." Lou met Jimmy's gaze. There was something there, a deep sadness that caused her stomach to turn another flip. He seemed distant but there. She felt a shimmer of a stir within her brain but it fluttered and died, as she tried to focus on the rest of the group. Something inside her was reaching though. She felt the desire for him cloud over the memory of Kid and for a brief moment had to tell herself to breathe. What was going on here? "This is Kid." Lou looked up, startled, when Rachel rested her hands gently on Kid's shoulders. Kid stared at his plate a minute then finally looked up at her. She saw his feelings and his pain in one quick glance. They were so strong she wouldn't have been able to miss them. She felt a pang of guilt and looked away. "And I'm Marshal Teaspoon Hunter. I run this station." Teaspoon called out, as Rachel found her a seat at the table. "This is the Rock Creek Pony Express station. We make some of the toughest runs out of all the Express. It's not much to look at but it's home." Teaspoon looked over at his boys and then back to Lou. "It's nice to meet you all... I mean I know I know you, I just... I wish I could remember." Lou looked away and wiped the tear that had slipped past, despite her best efforts to keep it from falling. "I'm sorry." She sniffed back the next wave of tears but her eyes burned from the force of the emotions behind them. "It ain't your fault Lou," Jimmy spoke up. "Nobody's faulting you for not remembering." He met her eyes again and she felt the pang of desire return again. She felt like she should have been fighting it but something inside her didn't want to. He had been there when she was in Blue Creek. He had been so good to her, so comforting in all the chaos that swam around in her head. "I...uh...." She felt the emotions wash over her again. She didn't know how she was suppose to feel and the emotions that she had fought were so confusing that she didn't know what to make of them. Things were so out of balance in her brain. She didn't know which way was up or down, who she loved or who loved her. Most of all, the baby growing inside her belonged to someone else and she couldn't force her mind to wrap around the thoughts that were now threatening her own well-being. Lou pushed back from the table, overwhelmed by the confusion that twisted inside her. She couldn't eat, couldn't be here in front of all these people, trying to figure out on her own what was going on. She wished someone would just tell her her life, whether she ever remembered it or not. "Lou?" Kid and Jimmy were both on their feet, as she rose on her own and had to catch herself on the table. Alex, seeing them jump up, leaned forward ready to leave the table also. She felt like she was fighting a current to stay afloat and it was a losing battle. "I..." She didn't really know what she wanted to say or who to say it to. She felt herself falling with a gasp and for once welcomed the darkness as a sanctuary from the chaos. *~*~*~*~* She pulled her horse to a stop next to the overturned wagon that she had spotted from the road. The clearing it rested in was hedged in on three sides by trees and for some reason she fought against her instinct that it could be a trap. She had heard crying and that was enough to get her to investigate. She was afraid someone was hurt. She slid off the horse and drew her gun. The crying had stopped. She felt a shiver run down her spine telling her it was time to leave, even as she circled around the wagon to find a young woman lying partially under the overturned wagon bed. She reached down to feel if she was breathing. The young woman was dead. She finally gave into the blaring warning screaming inside her mind but it was too late. She turned towards the horse and started in its direction. Before she took the second step, she heard someone charging at her from out of the trees. She whirled around in surprise and fired a shot. It hit the mark despite her shock and she turned as four more men charged out from other directions. She fired four more shots and took down three of the men before being tackled. Even then, she managed to go down with her right knee between her and her attacker. She felt the blow to her jaw and blinked back the black spots that danced within her vision then turned her foot until the bottom of it was flat against his stomach and shoved him off. She aimed and fired one more time. The shot hit him in the center of the chest and his eyes rolled back into his head before he fell to the ground. She forced herself to breath and put her hand against the ground to push herself to her feet when she heard the gun cock at her back. She had not heard the approaching footsteps. "Drop the gun boy," she heard the man hiss in a low growl. She cursed herself for having walked into the trap and did as he asked. *~*~*~*~* Lou jumped awake and fought to catch her breath. A hand landed softly on her shoulder trying to gently push her back. Still in the fog of the vivid fight she had remembered, she lashed out with frightening precision and hit her would-be comforter in the center of the chest. She heard a grunt, as the figure doubled over in the dark. She went to strike again but a strong hand caught her wrist. "Lou," the figure gasped. She finally recognized Jimmy's voice. "Glad to see you haven't lost your touch." He managed a pained smile. "Oh God...I'm so sorry." Lou found her senses and sat up slowly. Jimmy let go of her wrist and straightened himself in the chair beside her bed. He took in a deep breath then grimaced as he exhaled. "Are you ok?" "I'm fine." Jimmy smiled back. 'That's gonna leave a mark,' he thought to himself, trying to hide his discomfort. "I remembered something." She was sorting the thoughts out loud. "Why was I dressed like a boy?" she asked, suddenly the question as shocking to her as it was to him. She stood up. Jimmy sighed, rubbing his hand over his chest where she had hit him. Now seemed as good a time as any to tell her about her job. "Lou, you've been pretending to be a boy so you could ride for the Pony Express," he replied, quietly. "Why would I do that?" she gasped. "There are a lot of reasons but the main one is that your brother and sister are in an orphanage in St. Jo. You're saving money so you can go get them." "I was on my way to see them." She thought back to the dream. She had been on her way to St. Jo. She slowly turned toward the window. "Yeah." Jimmy watched her closely, as she looked absently out the window. She wrapped her arms around her with a shiver. "There was a wagon overturned off the main road two hours outside of town. I heard crying so I went to investigate. The woman was dead when I reached her. I was about to leave...something didn't feel right. Then they came out of the trees. I shot the first one before the other four ran out. I took down three of them but the last one got the drop on me. I kicked him off and shot him too. Jimmy, I killed five men." "What happened next, Lou?" He grabbed the shawl that Rachel had set on the foot of the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. "I was still on the ground about to get up when I heard a gun cocked at my back. He told me to drop my gun. He thought I was a boy," Lou almost whispered. "I dropped it. I don't remember what happened after that." She thought for a minute. "I didn't see any other bodies. I don't think she would have been traveling alone." "It's a place to start," Jimmy said. He felt her back brush against his chest and she stiffened nervously. He wanted to hold her but fought the urge knowing that she was still so confused. She pulled away and sat back down on the bed. She shifted her gaze from the floor back up to him. She didn't understand the emotions swarming in her head but she prayed that they sorted themselves out soon. "You must be a good friend, Jimmy. You've been here for me this entire time." She supposed that she was a good friend with most of the riders seeing as she and Rachel were the only women in the mix. Jimmy had found her and taken her back home, even looking over her while she had slept. She would have thought that there was something more between them but the memory of Kid wouldn't let her. "I guess you could say that." He gave her a little half smile. Inside though, he felt like he was dying. He didn't know what to do. How could he? She didn't remember him or their relationship. He didn't know whether telling her about it would be helping or hurting her and the thought of hurting her was enough to make him keep it to himself. He looked out the window as the first rays of sunlight started to grace the world with their presence and turned to leave her to rest in the peace of the morning. "Jimmy is Kid up yet?" she asked quietly at his back. Jimmy stiffened a little. "I don't know Lou. I can check. You want to see him?" He turned around to talk to her. She looked up at him so innocently. "I had this memory of him...of us...together. I suppose that we are a couple. I just don't understand why he's acting like he is. I don't understand a lot right now. Jimmy, are me and Kid married?" She really didn't know. He knew that but the words were like daggers in his heart. "I'll let him tell you about it Lou." Jimmy turned towards the door. He made a fist and held it in front of him so that she didn't see it. How could this be happening? He should just tell her but he had already resolved himself not to. "I'll see you in a little while." Jimmy opened the door and hurried out of the house towards the bunkhouse. Rachel watched him rush past her and wondered at the anger that he carried in every movement, every feature. It was unmistakable. Jimmy's anger had more than once gotten him into trouble. She hoped that he wasn't going to do anything stupid. *~*~*~*~* "Kid, go by the house. Lou wants to talk to you," Jimmy called into the bunkhouse rousing Kid from a fitful sleep. He jumped nearly hitting his head on the bunk above his. He looked after Jimmy and blinked. The others also woke at the sudden burst of noise. "What?" he asked, wiping at his eyes. "Lou. She wants to see you before you ride out. She remembered you." Jimmy turned and walked out to the barn. He kicked at the dirt when he walked inside. Feeling no relief from the simple action, he proceeded to pummel his fist into the barn wall until his knuckles bled and the tears that he didn't want to come fell across his cheeks. "I think you won," Buck said softly at his back. Jimmy quickly wiped his eyes, accidentally streaking the blood across his face. "I need to be alone Buck." Jimmy didn't turn to face him. He propped himself up on the wall that had just taken the beating and hung his head low. "Why haven't you told her?" Buck thought it would have solved a good deal of confusion. "She remembered him." Jimmy had to fight to keep his voice steady but even giving it the fight that he was, he still heard it cracking and nearly whispered to get the words out. "She remembers Kid and not me." "Jimmy, I don't think it matters who she remembers. She's carrying your baby not Kid's. Kid is seeing another woman and whether she remembers it or not, Lou loves you." Buck felt his heart go out to him. It was a rough spot to be in. Surely Jimmy could just clear it up if he told her. "If she loves me then why can't she remember me Buck? She loved Kid and she..." "Whoa, I don't think she gets to pick what comes back or when. Just 'cause she hasn't remembered you, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you Jimmy," Buck cut him off. "Doesn't matter... she thinks they are together. She thinks the baby is his." Jimmy walked to Sundance and began to saddle his horse. "That's because you haven't told her otherwise." Buck couldn't believe Jimmy had let her go on believing that. "Why didn't you tell her?" "She's getting her memory back a little at a time. She already remembered a little bit about the attack. I thinks it's easier on her if she remembers and doesn't have to be told." Jimmy led his horse out to the yard. "Don't you think Kid'll tell her? What do you suppose she'll think then?" Buck asked, following him out. He realized that Jimmy didn't have a ride scheduled. "Where are you going?" "I don't think Kid'll tell her either. He's too worried what would happen. And I'm taking Lou's ride. It's more than obvious that she needs him more than me right now." Jimmy took a breath and walked back toward the bunkhouse to get the bag and his hat. Buck followed him, not satisfied with the way this was going. "Listen, when Ike and Cody leave for St. Jo tell them that about a few hours outside of town Lou said she saw an overturned wagon and that's where whatever happened started. She said she killed five men. They might want to check that with the marshal. I hope that helps." Jimmy grabbed his hat and placed it on his head. He walked back out the door toward his horse. "Jimmy, don't do this." Buck didn't have a good feeling. "All you have to do is give her some time. She's not gonna want Kid around after she remembers how he hurt her." "And what if she doesn't remember that?" Jimmy threw back at him. "You can't honestly think that she's going to get back together with Kid," Buck gasped. "Hell, she already thinks they are." Jimmy mounted the horse and spurred him forward feeling torn and angry, eaten away from the inside, like he was dying. He felt twisted up and his stomach fluttered like a dying fish fighting for air, as it flopped along the loose soil beside a pond. He didn't want to know what Kid and Lou were talking about. He just needed to go. *~*~*~*~* Kid got dressed and walked across the yard to the main house. He wondered what Lou had remembered about him. He didn't know what to expect but he knew he had to make it fast. He had a ride to attend to and not much time before he should be setting out. Kid walked into the house and said a quick hello to Rachel. He then started toward Lou's new bedroom. He wasn't used to her bunk being empty for so long. It had taken him ages to get to sleep, as he stared up at it, wishing to see the indentation overhead just to know she was safe and well and close at hand. He never had quit loving her. He didn't know how. He wasn't even sure what he was doing with Alice. They met at a dance in town some months back and starting courting. Sometimes, he thought she could tell that his heart wasn't in it, though. He didn't want to hurt her. She was nice enough. She was everything he had thought he wanted. As they had continued, he realized that maybe what he had thought he wanted wasn't exactly what he needed. He stood in front of the door and lightly wrapped against the wood, listening for her voice. "Coming," Lou called. She opened the door an inch or two and then smiled when she saw him. There was something familiar in her smile, a part of Lou he hadn't been fortunate enough to see in a long while. "Jimmy said you wanted to see me." Kid watched as she opened the door the rest of the way. She still looked so beautiful. "I did." She looked down nervously then asked him to come inside. He entered the room as the sun rose over the horizon. He watched as she sat down on the corner of the bed and he in turn took the seat that now sat by her bedside. "I remembered something." "Yeah?" Kid hadn't felt nervous with Lou in a long time, at least not in the way he felt now. It was almost like when he realized that she was a girl and then when he realized he had feelings for her. "I remembered that you and me were together. That we told each other we loved each other. I saw us out by a pond. We...we...were close. So I guess I was wondering about all these feelings and why you haven't been talking to me so much?" Lou fidgeted with her hands. She seemed to be as nervous as he was. Kid sat there silently. He didn't know what to say. She thought they were still together and that he had been avoiding her. She was nursing hurt feelings over the way he was acting. "Is it because I was raped?" She had entertained the idea that he might not want to have anything to do with her because another man had taken her. It was a sickening thought and she was glad she couldn't remember it. Kid looked up in shock. She thought that he was avoiding her because he was mad at her over being taken against her will. "No...Oh God Lou, that wasn't your fault." Kid could see her eyes tearing up and felt his heart slowly sinking. He could have killed anyone who had done this to her in that moment. He got up and sat down next to her on the bed. As soon as he sat down, she embraced him causing him to stumble over his thoughts at the contact. He wrapped his arms around her in response, knowing that the feelings coursing through him were wrong. He choked on his next breath and tried to fight a war in his mind for right and wrong hoping that right came out on top. He knew there had to be a reason that Jimmy hadn't told her but he couldn't understand what it was. It must have torn Jimmy up inside when she had remembered him- but the baby. Kid loosened his hold on her. The baby changed everything. The new life growing inside her wasn't Kid's. He couldn't let her believe that it was. It went against everything that was good inside him. "Then what did I do Kid? Why are you avoiding me?" she cried into his shoulder. Kid felt the wet tears on his shoulder. His resolve wavered. "Lou, I just.... I'm sorry," he finally got out. "I'm sorry I was avoiding you. It doesn't matter right now why. Just accept my apology please." "You still love me?" she asked as she looked up into his brilliantly blue eyes. "I do Lou," he said, in a breathy voice. It was a part of him. His love for her couldn't be tainted. He wiped her tears away. She turned into the touch and closed her eyes. Kid watched her so closely. God, if only things were different. He noticed her leaning into him so close until her breath licked at the skin along his cheek. She was about to.... No. He pulled back. Leaving her a bit breathless, starring after him wondering why he wouldn't kiss her. "Kid?" She was confused again. Why had he pulled away? She had seen the desire residing in those eyes as sure as the day was long. He looked like a trapped cat. He was scared to death. "Lou, I can't... you're not well enough to...we shouldn't." "Kid I'm okay," Lou whispered. "No, you need your rest." Kid had to get out of the room before he did something he was going to regret. "I'll be back in a couple of days. I have to take a ride this morning. We can talk when I get back." "Alright." She didn't want to stand in his way. He looked as if he wanted to escape from her grasp. His actions confused her all the more. He leaned down and kissed her cheek softly then got up and walked to the door. "I'll see you when I get back," he said as he walked out. Lou waited until the door closed behind him before she broke down in another fit of sobs. She didn't understand. If he loved her so much then why in the world would he not welcome the kiss? She remembered him. It should have been a joyous occasion but instead she felt more a mess inside then she had before. She felt the familiar sinking that came with a new memory and was about to fight it, when she realized that this is what she wanted. Her memory back. She just wished there was an easier way. It was terrifying to sink down into the depth of her mind. She had no way of knowing what she would find. *~*~*~*~* She dropped the gun and felt herself being jerked roughly from the ground. She was no sooner on her feet then she felt the blow. The butt of his gun had connected with the back of her head near the base of her neck. She fell to her knees hard and cried out catching herself with her hands. He jerked her up again and this time shoved her forward as she eyed more men coming from the trees. There were at least a dozen of them. "Walk," the man spat out. He was pushing her towards the trees. He waited until she was well ahead of him to pick up her gun. "He's killed Pete and Tom...check on the others," the man called out to the men coming toward them. He walked behind her, the gun ever trained on her back. They got inside the safety of the trees and he pushed her onward near a quarter of a mile before he finally told her to stop. The men who had followed carried the bodies of the men she had killed. Lou felt her heart fluttering in terror. She had no idea what was in store for her but it wasn't going to be pretty. She watched her captures closely waiting for the next blow but none came. She stood there in silence feeling a warm trickle down the back of her neck. Finally, he handed her a shovel. "You dig until I say stop. You're going to bury everyone one of those men. Then your gonna dig your own grave or my name isn't Joseph Simmons." The hatred in Simmons eyes burned into her and when she didn't start at once he hit her square across the jaw nearly knocking her to the ground again. She turned her head back trying to hide the pain and drove the shovel into the ground. "Who sent you?" Simmons barked out as she continued to dig. She had already been riding all day. She was exhausted and low on water. She didn't know how long she could dig but she hoped it was a long time. The longer she was digging the longer she stayed alive. "Nobody...I was on my way into St. Jo to deliver a mochila for the Pony Express. I was just lucky enough to stumble upon your handy work." She looked up at him defiantly as she spoke. She received another hit for her trouble. This time right in the stomach. She doubled over as the wind was knocked out of her then straightened and started digging again. He didn't ask her many more questions. She dug the holes in silence with not even an offer of water. She was on the third one well into the night with a gun still trained on her when she felt herself stumble into the wall of the hole. She was beat. She couldn't even think straight and her vision had begun to blur and streak. She tried to keep going but she couldn't force her arms to lift the shovel let alone the clump of dirt that was falling out of it. She reeled dizzily and collapsed inside the hole, her arm hanging over the top. She wasn't unconscious but she wasn't far from it either. She felt the man on watch pull her out of the hole and reach to unbutton her shirt when he saw her eyes open a bit. "Boss said you's to be whipped if ya stopped," the man explained almost gleefully. He had halfway unbuttoned the shirt when he realized that there was something underneath. He looked at her face in confusion. "What the..." He started to unwrap the bindings that she wore to keep her breast from showing. She feebly reached to push his hand away and he swatted it away as a mere nuisance. "Simmons!" he yelled once he had completely uncovered her secret. She heard Simmons clambering over from where he had been asleep and saw him look down at her exposed flesh. She would never forget the smile on his face when he found out she was a girl. "Well what have we here." He reached for her and she fell into blackness. *~*~*~*~* Kid gasped at the shock of the cold water from the barrel. He had walked straight to it from his talk with Lou and immersed his entire head. He felt like he was on fire even after the dip. He needed to calm down. Calming down meant he could confront Jimmy about having not told Lou without a punch being thrown. Buck was saying goodbye to Ike and Cody, who were about to head out to St. Jo. Alex stood on the bunkhouse porch watching everyone. "You okay?" Buck approached Kid as Cody and Ike set out. "Nah, you seen Jimmy?" Kid wasn't sure the cold water had been enough to extinguish the anger or the other emotions still running through him. Buck shifted his feet betraying his nervousness. He hated playing mediator for the two of them. "He took your ride. He said he needed to." "I bet." Kid felt ready to explode. Jimmy wouldn't tell Lou what was going on and then he had simply left the mess in Kid's lap to deal with. He didn't have anywhere to run and hide and he wasn't sure he needed to. He owed her more than that and so did Jimmy. He couldn't believe that he could simply leave her in the state she was in. "How's Louise?" Alex asked from the porch, having closely watched the morning events unfold. "She's still confused. Really confused," Kid replied. *~*~*~*~* "Lou?" Rachel called, as she pushed the door open. Rachel peered into the room when she didn't see Lou. She stepped inside and spun around the room. Lou couldn't have gotten past her. She felt panic welling up inside her. "Lou," she called again. She heard a soft stirring on the other side of the bed and carefully walked around it. She gasped at what she saw. Lou sat huddled up in a ball on the floor, her back in the corner. She looked pale and horrified, her eyes starring at the bed blankly. She looked as if she had been crying and her brow was lined with a feverish sweat. Rachel quickly knelt down beside her. "Lou it's okay," Rachel whispered, feeling tears well up. Lou didn't look up at her. "I'm gonna walk right outside for just a minute then I'll be right back." Lou didn't acknowledge that she had heard her. Rachel rushed out the door onto the porch. She prayed that Lou was alright. "Buck!" Rachel called, coming up short. "Go get Doc. It's Lou." Without any more explanation, she whirled around and was back through the door and hurrying back into the room. Kid and Alex rushed toward the house, as Buck took off to do what Rachel had asked. *~*~*~*~* She picked up the shovel again. She had awoken sore and beaten but she didn't remember half of it. There were traces of nightmares that involved many of the men in the camp but they were fleeting images that only surfaced when she tried to sleep, which often ended with another beating. She had finished with the sixth hole, her own grave, and her vision was fading. She had been awake so long that she didn't know which way was up or down. Every time she fell, she received another beating and was set back to work as soon as she could get back to her feet. She still had not had food or water and the fact that she was able to dig at all was a miracle brought on by pure strength of will. Simmons stood towering over her from where she had been working. "Come on out of there. I have a proposition for you." His smile turned her stomach. He offered his hand but she refused to take it, even though it meant she had to claw her way out of the hole on her own. When she got to the top, she was on her hands and knees. Simmons gave her a quick kick in the ribs. She didn't even feel the pain; she was way past that. She did however see something altogether useful. Stuffed into the boot that had just kicked her hidden in plain sight was a knife. She felt her will sustaining her hope, as he leaned down right next to her. His face was within inches of hers, his foul breath feeling slimy against her cheek. She didn't move though. She heard his dark laugh and knew he must be thinking that he had won the fight as he traced a finger across her face. He had already had her and now his touch was like that of a devil trying to entice an angel into its fold. She saw evil for what it was. "I can make it easier on you," he was saying. She knew how he would make it easier on her and what it was that she would have to do to insure it. She would never give herself to them willingly though. Simmons had just underestimated how strong she truly was. "I never asked for it to be easier," she hissed back, barely able to force the words out. His face became a hard line of anger as he rose to his feet, preparing to kick her again. She took advantage of the situation, knowing that it would take every ounce of what she had left to pull this off. Lou grabbed the knife with a quick motion and rolled away still feeling the impact of the boot in her side. She got to her feet and steadied the swimming visions before her. She lashed out and caught Simmons across the left cheek, from the end of his brow all the way to his chin. It was a deep cut, enough so that he was completely unable to react. She ran to where Lightning had been tied off and sliced through the reigns not having the time to actually untie them. Grabbing what was left of them she climbed on. Lightning took it from there, as Lou wound the reigns as far up her arms as she could. She wasn't going to be able to stay awake much longer and she wanted to make sure she remained on the horse. Somewhere between blacking out and a harsh reality, she found her self being pulled along the ground. Her foot was stuck in the stirrup and Lightning was dragging her towards the nearest town. She felt raw all over from where her skin had touched the ground. She called out to the horse. Lightning looked back at her understandingly and stopped. She felt herself fall away from the world again. *~*~*~*~* Lou could see Rachel in front of her but couldn't talk to her. She was lost in the revelation of the memory. She didn't know who that woman in her memory was. She didn't remember ever being that person. Lou watched as Rachel retreated from the room and was horrified that she couldn't respond to the woman. She floated in and out of the swirling nightmare. She had dug her own grave. It was still out there, where they had buried the other men that she had killed. They would come for her. "Help me get her on the bed," someone said from what sounded so far away. All she could see before her though was Simmons' face and the reminder he now had upon his cheek that insured that he would exact his revenge. Strong arms wound around her breaking the trance that she had been in. She fought with every ounce she had left but in the end she ended up, sobbing, wrapped up in Kid's embrace, her arms bound in front of her in his strong arms. Alex watched in utter shock completely out of breath. He had helped Kid get her under control and he never would have believed that any one that small could put up such a fight. She kicked out a few more times and Kid pulled her back each time, finally wrestling her to the bed. He was having a hard time of it too. "Lou, it's me Kid," Kid screamed over her hysterical sobs. Somewhere in her mind, she heard him and slowly began to settle back. It had been a long fight though. So long in fact that the doctor and Buck were back by the time she finally had passed out from the exhaustion. Kid collapsed on the floor beside the bed, still trying to catch his breath. Buck stopped in the doorway at the sight. Rachel was crying in the hallway. Kid was barely holding himself up beside the bed. Alex was white as a sheet. And Lou was passed out on the bed. "What happened?" Buck asked, even as his mind began to put the pieces together from the people and the things strewn all over the room. "I don't know," Kid got out, as he slowly got to his feet still shaking from the act of subduing Lou. "She got hysterical...I've never seen..." he broke off choking back his own tears. The doctor made his way forward to check on Lou. He sat down on the side of the bed hesitantly. Kid backed out of the room with Alex on his heels. Buck soon followed, leaving only Rachel and the doctor in the room with Lou. "The doc in Blue Creek said she may get hysterical if she got her memory back. He said it would be... hard," Buck said from the confines of the hallway. "That didn't seem like getting her memory back, Buck...she was fighting for her life in there," Alex spoke, when Kid didn't seem to be able to get any words out. "Still she had to have remembered something to act like that." Buck wasn't convinced. If she didn't remember the attack then what reason did she have to fight for her life? "Either way I have to go." Alex took in a deep breath, staring back into the room behind them. "I'm due back soon." Buck and Kid both nodded. This wasn't Alex's fight and they knew it. There was no reason for him to stay. The doctor walked out into the hall and took his glasses off. The look on his face wasn't a good one. Rachel sat on the bed beside her friend, who now turned restlessly. "She's made herself sick again," the doctor said, quietly. "It doesn't look good for the baby. If she can't be kept calm then I'm afraid the baby won't make it." Alex leaned back against the wall, watching Kid and Buck take the news hard. He silently cursed. She had been through enough without this on top of it all. He pushed off the wall about to walk out to get the wagon ready. He had other things to attend to as much as he would have wanted to do something for them. There was nothing for him to do now except gather whatever information he could from Blue Creek. He was walking toward the door when everyone heard Lou cry out in her sleep. "Simmons! No!" He stopped dead in his tracks frozen by the words that had escaped into the house. They echoed off the walls, rattling in his brain, until he was able to turn and move back to the group. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. When she cried it out again, he felt the blood rush from his head. "My God," he breathed, not knowing the words had actually come out of his mouth until everyone in the hallway turned to look at him. "No one had gotten away from the Simmons gang in fifteen years. They... my God what they do to people who get in their way. I had no idea they were out West. They usually stick to terrorizing the Southeast." Alex met Kid's eyes and didn't try to hide the fear that resided in his. "He'll come for her." To be continued... Email Amara HOME