It seemed as though everywhere he turned, James Butler Hickok was finding that all the familiar things in his life were changing. First Ike and now Noah had been killed. Lou and Kid were recently married. War was spreading faster than even he had imagined possible. The Express was dead. Nothing seemed certain anymore, and the more uncertain everything around him became, the more uncertain Jimmy began to feel about his place in this changing, unstable world.

Though it was the middle of night, he sat lying awake in his bunk for hours thinking about all that had happened to him and the people he loved and considered his family in such a short time. It hadn't been all that long ago that he and the other riders first arrived in Sweetwater when the Pony Express was just starting out. It was less than two years ago, yet those more carefree times seemed a lifetime away now.

Jimmy turned on his side and peered around the bunkhouse in the darkness of the night. Only Buck was left. Ike and Noah were gone, Cody had volunteered his services as a scout for the Union, and Kid and Lou were staying in the main house with Rachel since they were a married couple.

Jimmy remembered a time when it had been a full and lively place, even a little overcrowded at times. But now, it was empty and dismal. The laughter that had rung throughout the place had all but disappeared. The hope and optimism possessed by its occupants had faded, and in its place dwelled doubt and despondency.

Things have definitely changed, Jimmy thought. And the more Jimmy thought, the more he realized that he didn't belong in Rock Creek anymore. He wasn't sure he belonged anywhere...

It was still hours before the first rays of the sun would hit the Earth when Jimmy rose quietly from his bunk, got dressed, and gathered all of his worldly possessions into a single bag. As he headed out of the door, he looked back to the sleeping Buck, whispering, "Goodbye, my friend." Then he closed the door for the last time and headed out to the barn to saddle up his horse.

Jimmy stopped, though, before he made it to the barn. His eyes turned toward the house where Rachel lived and where Kid and Lou had made their home temporarily until they could find a place of their own. Jimmy knew he should have just hurried to the barn without looking at the place where Lou was, because he realized that now that she was on his mind, leaving Rock Creek was going to be even harder.

Though he'd have regrets about leaving Rock Creek and his family behind, none would be so great as the regret of leaving Lou. She'd been happily married to Kid for months now, but still Jimmy could not deny the fact that he loved her. And he had never even told her how he really felt...

"There will never be anyone for me, but you," Jimmy whispered to himself.

With a heavy heart and a loud sigh, Jimmy was finally able to leave the spot where he stood staring up at Lou and Kid's bedroom window and headed back on his way toward the barn.

Jimmy had nearly finished saddling up his golden palomino when he heard a soft, low voice behind him.

"You're leaving," Lou said. It was a statement rather than a question.

Jimmy spun around to face Lou. He hung his head, dropping his gaze to the ground, unable to meet her eyes. He was feeling somewhat ashamed for attempting to leave without even saying goodbye.

Lou moved closer to Jimmy, making her way from the shadows just outside the barn and into the light radiating from the illuminated kerosene lamp hanging on the barn wall. Jimmy finally raised his eyes to look at her, and when he did, his heart nearly skipped a beat when he saw her. She was wearing a white cotton nightgown that looked almost translucent in the light. Her hair was glowing in the moonlight that was streaming in through the barn door. Jimmy thought that Lou had never looked so beautiful as she did at that moment...which made the fact that he might not see her again even more difficult to bear.

"I have to, Lou," Jimmy replied, ashamed now because he had been caught trying to sneak away and because of the way he was thinking about Lou. She was a married woman, and his best friend's wife. But he found that he just could not help himself.

"I know you do," Lou said, much to Jimmy's surprise.

Jimmy looked at Lou confused for a moment, but then the slight, yet telling, smile on her face told him how she'd known. They had shared a special bond; both Jimmy and Lou knew that. Sometimes they knew what the other was thinking before they were able to truly recognize it themselves. They were able to identify and understand each other's unspoken thoughts and fears when no one else could. It was something that neither one could ever explain, but they always knew that it was there.

"Somehow...I've always known," she began. "I think I first saw it at Noah's funeral. And after Rosemary left..." Lou paused for a brief instant before continuing, the emotion that was welling up inside beginning to show through. "I knew that the restlessness would settle in eventually...I guess I just hoped that it wouldn't be so soon."

"I guess so," was Jimmy's short response. He dropped his gaze once more and began fidgeting with his gloves nervously. What else could he say? She seemed to know him better than he knew himself. Yet, she still didn't know what he longed to say to her more than anything else in the world right at that moment. She didn't know that he loved her.

Suddenly, Jimmy decided that if he didn't tell her now, he might never get another chance. He knew that he couldn't ride away knowing that he hadn't at least told Lou how he'd felt about her for all this time. Yes, it might make leaving even more difficult, but Jimmy decided that he'd been lying to himself long enough. He needed to tell her the truth.

"Lou, I, uh..." he began slowly, his voice wavering and his hands trembling slightly. Jimmy stopped mid-sentence. He still could not bring himself to look Lou in the eye.

Then, he felt a warm hand reaching out to his, and Jimmy instinctively took it into his own, all trembling ceasing.

Jimmy looked up and saw Lou standing only inches away from him, giving him a look that he knew he would never be able to forget as long as he lived.

Feeling a surge of courage stronger than any he'd ever felt before, Jimmy lost himself completely in Lou's soft brown eyes, the words spilling forth naturally and automatically. "I love you, Lou. I've loved you ever since I found out you were really a woman."

Lou stared at Jimmy with tears forming in her eyes for what felt to him like an eternity. For though Lou had secretly known how Jimmy truly felt about her long ago, she found herself utterly speechless as her emotions took all control of her.

Jimmy didn't know what to think of Lou's silence. Was she that shocked? Was she angry with him?

But then, when Jimmy saw the gentle smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, he knew that she was not angry.

"I know, Jimmy," she whispered, still clinging to his hand, and now squeezing it even tighter. "I know."

Now it was Jimmy who was struck dumb. "I don't know what to say." Was it true? He thought. Had she really known all this time?

"Don't say anything," Lou spoke understandingly. "I've known for a long time, Jimmy. I just didn't let on because I knew that it would only hurt worse in the end when I chose Kid. I loved you, too. But we both knew that I was meant to be with Kid."

Jimmy simply shook his head. Sure, he had known that, but it didn't stop the hope from surging in his heart from time to time, thinking that maybe one day...one day, he and Lou would be together as he had dreamed.

Somehow, Jimmy began to feel slightly foolish for the way he'd hidden his feelings when she'd known all along. At the same time, he also realized that in his secrecy, Jimmy had not feared Lou's rejection of his love so much as he feared pain and trouble finding her because of his reputation.

But now, everything was out in the open, and Jimmy still felt the need to leave the home and the people he had grown so close to in order to find his own place in the world.

"Oh, Lou," Jimmy sighed, "why did it all have to change?"

Smiling at him, Lou said, "I guess that's just the way of things. But I understand how you feel, Jimmy. Sometimes I wish I could hold on to those days forever. I have a feeling things will never be the same again, will they?"

Jimmy simply shook his head. She was right; things would never be the same again. Everything around them was changing. Maybe he was changing, too. Lou's life may be with Kid in Rock Creek, but Jimmy's wasn't. Not anymore. He wouldn't be an outsider looking in on their life any longer. That was why he knew he had to go.

"I should be goin' soon," Jimmy stated. He looked deeply into Lou's eyes, knowing just how much his departure was hurting her, but also knowing that she understood why he had to go. "I'm so sorry, Lou."

"No, don't be," Lou said tenderly as she brought her hand to touch his cheek. "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Jimmy moved his own hand on top of hers, which rested warmly on his cheek, and enveloped it in his, pressing it to his lips.

Still holding her hand, but allowing it to drop away from his lips, he said, "Tell everyone I said goodbye. Tell Teaspoon and Buck 'thanks for everything', and tell Rachel 'I'll miss her'." He paused for a moment. "And tell Kid...tell him that he's the luckiest man on Earth."

Lou felt the tears welling in her eyes once more and swore that she saw Jimmy's beginning to glass over as well. "I will," she managed to say. "Remember, no matter where you go, Jimmy, you'll always be in here," Lou placed her hand over her heart. "Good friends are always together in spirit. Just promise me, Jimmy...promise me you'll take care of yourself, and that you'll send word on how you're doin'. And promise me that you'll come back whenever you need to. I promise I'll always be here if you need me."

"I will," Jimmy swore softly.

The two stood in silence for what seemed like eons, neither wanting the actual moment of departure to come, but both knowing that it must.

"I best be gettin' on my way," he finally said.

"Yeah," Lou nodded hesitantly.

With that, Jimmy took his horse by the reins and led it out of the barn with Lou walking at his side. He turned to mount his horse, his foot already in the saddle when he stopped midstream and spun back around to face Lou for one final time. He said no words. No words needed to be spoken as they both reached out and clung to each other in one final embrace.

After placing a gentle kiss on Lou's forehead, Jimmy let go. He let go of Lou, of the past, and of his hopes for something he knew could never have been in the first place.

Jimmy swung himself into his saddle in one graceful motion, smiled and tipped his hat one last time at the woman he'd love for all eternity, and spurred his horse into a full gallop through the streets of Rock Creek and into the future that lay undetermined ahead of him.

Heading out into the Great Unknown, one thing that Jimmy Hickok was absolutely certain of as he glanced down to where his two Navy Colts rested on his thighs was that no matter where the road might lead him, sadly enough, he would always need to keep his guns close at hand. The only other definite in his mind was that he would never, ever forget Louise McCloud and the days he spent as a Pony Express rider.

"Ride safe, Jimmy," Lou murmured as she watched her beloved friend disappear into a cloud of dust, until the outline of horse and rider was a mere speck in the dark distance and a memory stirring in her heart.

At that moment, Lou felt an emptiness unlike any she'd ever known before. She felt a chill run down her spine at the thought of never seeing Jimmy again. But then, she was once again shrouded in warmth and hope as she sensed Kid's warm embrace surround her from behind.

Lou moved her hands to meet Kid's, holding onto them for dear life, but she kept her gazes on the blackness ahead of her where Jimmy had just ridden off to in search of his future and destiny. Her future, she knew, lay behind her, in the arms of her husband and lover...in the arms of the man who held her heart. Yet, at the same time, she knew that it would be another who would haunt her soul for as long as she lived.

When there was nothing left to see but dust dissipating into the still night air, Lou wordlessly spun around and looked up at Kid. She could see the crystal pools of tears in his eyes glistening in the moonlight as she sent him a subtle smile that told him that she understood that they would both miss their dear friend Jimmy, but that this was how things were meant to be.

Kid saw the unspoken meaning in her eyes and in her smile, and at Lou's gentle urging, they turned back and headed towards the house to face their destiny...together.

And at the same moment, on a small rise just past the edge of town, Jimmy reined in his horse and stopped to take a last look around. He could barely make out the shapes of Kid and Lou walking up the steps of the house, arm in arm. Jimmy smiled to himself, noting that everything was just as it should be. Then, he sent Lou a final kiss on the wind, gave his horse a quick jab with his heels, and rode away.

- The End -

Film Credits:

Email Beth

HOME