The golden wedding rings were right where he'd left them. In his pocket, close to his heart, just as he they'd been for the past ten years. He never went anywhere without them, and the woman they were meant for never left his heart.
James Butler Hickok ordered up another drink from the bar. He didn't know how many he'd had already that night, but no matter how much he drank, he could never erase the image of her face or the memory of her lips against his. He knew they would remain imprinted in his mind and his heart forever.
Louise. The name of the woman he loved once and would love for all eternity slipped from his lips unconsciously before he took a quick swig from his glass, pouring the whiskey down his throat, which was already numb to the burning liquid. He only wished his heart would grow numb as well, to take away the burning pain of not having her near.
But it had been his choice, after all. Jimmy chose to leave his dear Louise rather than settle down to a life with her, realizing the danger he'd place her in because of his growing reputation. He knew she loved him anyway, and would willingly have dealt with whatever hand life had given them, but somehow, his conscience would not allow it.
Jimmy's hand moved once again to the rings in his left pocket. He sighed deeply as he traced their circles through the cotton of his shirt. He began to imagine the day he'd said goodbye. Ten years ago. Ten long, lonely years. That was the last time he had seen Lou. That day was the end of his life as he knew it -- the end of happiness -- and the beginning of his attempts to numb himself to the constant bitterness and ache of being alone.
But Jimmy still had his memories. The dearest, sweetest memories of his life were all tied to the woman he knew he couldn't bear to live without, but couldn't bear to see hurt, or worse, because of him. Sometimes those memories were all the reason he had to wake up in the morning, but sometimes he just wished to be able to forget them, to forget that he had ever experienced true happiness, only to throw it so carelessly into the wind. Like a fire, they burned within Jimmy always, serving as his one source of light, yet scorching him without mercy at the same time.
Yes, he made his choice long ago, and Jimmy knew he had to learn to live with it. But even after ten years, he still found being without Lou just as difficult as it had been when he first left.
"Another drink," Jimmy called out to Wes, the bartender.
Wes looked at Jimmy, who had been a regular customer during his stay in town. During this time, Wes had never once asked Jimmy why he drank so...what he was running away from...what inner torment kept him from ever smiling or laughing, or looking as if he felt anything other than hurt. No, he simply served up the drinks as he was told, never denying, never questioning, but always wondering.
Tonight, however, something seemed different about the man in the dark suit with the sad eyes. And somehow, Wes couldn't bring himself to fill another glass.
"I know it ain't none of my business," he began tentatively, "but I think maybe you've had enough."
"Not nearly enough, if you ask me," Jimmy replied coolly. "Now, bring me that bottle. If you won't fill my glass up, I will."
Wes received a hard look from Jimmy, and though he had no idea that the man on the other side of the bar was more often known as 'Wild Bill' Hickok, he decided he'd be best to hand over the bottle and avoid any trouble.
So, Jimmy took the bottle and filled his glass again.
The saloon was particularly crowded that night, but Jimmy paid no mind to anyone or anything that went on around him. There was only him and the bottle...and his memories. There was no piano playing in the background, only the gentle whisper of Lou's words in his ears. There was no cigar or pipe smoke clouding his vision, only the wetness of unwanted tears stinging at his eyes.
But however hard Jimmy tried to bury his memories in the bottle that set before him, they would not be squelched. Lou's face shone as brightly in front of him now as it had every day since he first met her in their Express days. Her delicate features, her inner strength, her love and her passion were all so clear to him. Too clear. And Jimmy knew that he would never be able to get away from them. He would never be able to escape her memory, and the more he attempted to lock the memories inside the bottle, the more he would only succeed in locking himself in along with them.
From across the smoke-filled room, a pair of eyes remained fixed on the handsome stranger who sat at the bar. Myra had been working at the saloon for nearly five years. Usually, she worked downstairs serving drinks and making sure everyone was having a good time. Sometimes, she worked upstairs, offering her body to the men who were willing to pay for her company and her services.
It was a night like any other to her, and this man was probably like any other, too. However, something drew her to him tonight, even though she'd seen him sitting in the same spot every night for the last two weeks, never saying so much as a word to anyone. He was obviously drowning his sorrow in whiskey, as did most of the men who walked into the saloon, but there was something in his dark gray eyes that was not clouded by the affects of the alcohol. Something that made her understand the terrible sense of loss that was in his soul, the intense pain that kept him just a little sober when most would be falling over in a stupor.
Without thinking, Myra walked towards him, oblivious to the whistles and groping hands that came at her as she passed by the poker tables. She came up behind him, and when he made no move to acknowledge her presence, she eased herself down into the stool next to him.
The bartender noticed Myra's interest in Jimmy, and he gave her a warning glance so she might leave him alone. But she couldn't explain what compelled her to his side, or what made her stay when she was advised against it.
Jimmy took another gulp of whiskey, his eyes transfixed on the bottle that was rapidly becoming more and more empty. He sensed the woman's presence, but said nothing as he poured the last of the whiskey into his glass. Now the bottle was empty, as Jimmy felt he was.
"Only one thing in this world makes a man drink like that," Myra found the courage to say.
Not bothering to look in her direction, Jimmy replied in annoyance, "Oh? And what is that?"
"A woman," she said with a knowing grin. "Love," she added with emphasis, leaning in towards him.
Jimmy raised his glass to his lips once more to hide the expression on his face, still refusing to meet her gaze. "I don't wanna talk about it," he finally said, and he rose from his seat to leave the bar.
He didn't get very far before he felt a hand on his arm. Not having the strength or the resolve to fight, Jimmy spun back around to face the young woman, looking into her eyes for the first time.
She was not especially beautiful, and it was apparent that she lived a rough existence and probably had a past that she wanted to forget. But Jimmy sensed kindness in the way she looked at him. Kindness and understanding. So he decided to speak to her.
"What's your name?" Jimmy asked.
"Myra," she replied with a smile. Not many men cared enough to know her name. Most of the time, they only wanted her for one thing, and that didn't require talking.
"Myra," he repeated with a slight nod.
"Judging from the way you look, I bet this woman of yours is in a pretty sad shape herself," Myra said.
Jimmy couldn't help but let out a little chuckle. But the smile on his lips seemed to disappear as fast as it came.
"No, she's better off without me," he responded, having worked hard to convince himself of that fact for a long, long time.
"Somehow I'm not too sure of that," she hypothesized. "I met a lot of men in my line of work who think the same thing you do, but I bet somewhere, there's a woman who only wants to have you back."
Not wanting to hear any more of this, Jimmy tipped his hat at Myra, and began heading towards the door.
Jimmy walked out into the darkness of the night, feeling the cool, early spring air brush against his cheek. He knew Myra was right. Lou loved him and would never turn her back on him if he decided to return. Every day it was a struggle for Jimmy just to keep from hopping on his horse and riding back to Sweetwater, back to her arms. But something always stopped him.
Jimmy started walking along the sidewalk towards the hotel where he was staying. The street fires were beginning to die down, as most people were already secure at home in their beds except for those who were still living it up in the saloon.
On his way to the hotel, Jimmy stopped as he caught his reflection in a window out of the corner of his eye. He turned expecting to see his image staring back at him, but somehow it was the face of a stranger in the glass. It was the face of a man marred by the passage of time and the drinking of too much whiskey. He hardly recognized himself anymore. And the more he looked, the more he hated what he saw, which was nothing more than a man full of apathy and self-pity who was stuck on a path of self-destruction.
Jimmy closed his eyes to shut out the evidence of what he'd become, and that was when he saw her. Lou. Her face came to him as it had a countless number of times since the day he rode off and left her. He saw her the way she was ten years ago, the way she always remained in his mind. Except this time, she was looking at him, not with love, but with such disappointment in her eyes that it was enough to break his heart. Jimmy had allowed himself to become 'Wild Bill' Hickok in spite of everything he and Lou once shared.
Then Jimmy opened his eyes again, and she was gone. All that was left was the image of himself in the windowpane -- the image of a man who was running away from all the wrong things -- and the memory of the woman he loved.
Suddenly, Jimmy Hickok knew what he had to do. Deep inside, he had known it all along but was too afraid, too weak, to actually do it. He had to return to Sweetwater; he had to return to Lou and finish what he started all those years ago. Jimmy had to go back in search of the man he once was -- the man who Lou had fallen in love with. His time spent in a bottle had gotten him nowhere, only lonely and desperate and aching for the one woman who could make his life mean something.
He'd pushed her away wrongly. He fully realized that now. Lou had been the one who was strong, who'd believed in him and their love, while Jimmy was the one who was weak. For a long time, Jimmy thought he left because he loved Lou too much...too much to see her hurt because of his reputation. Now he knew just how foolish he'd been.
When Jimmy first left Sweetwater, he sent Lou letters for the first few months. Then, he stopped writing all together. He just couldn't bear it. Every now and then, there'd be a letter for Jimmy. Somehow, even with all his wandering from town to town, Lou found him, most likely by following stories detailing the latest whereabouts and adventures of 'Wild Bill'. It never ceased to amaze Jimmy when he'd receive her letters. Though, he couldn't bring himself to open them. Just seeing her name on the envelope and the smooth flow of her handwriting was enough to shoot daggers of pain and regret into his heart. He'd imagine her sitting at the old bunkhouse table writing to him, and it was more than he could bear. At the same time, Jimmy kept the letters, as he kept the gold bands that were meant for his wedding to Lou.
Startled back into reality by some rowdy men coming out of the saloon, Jimmy turned and headed back to his hotel room. Once there, he gathered his few belongings as quickly as he could, paid the clerk for his stay, and walked down the street towards the livery stable with determined strides. For the first time in a long while, he knew exactly what he had to do, and he was going to do it.
On the way to retrieve his horse, Jimmy passed by the saloon. Myra was standing just outside the doorway, leaning against one of the beams that supported the awning. She watched as he made his way down the street towards her, and his eyes met hers in a momentary glance of gratitude before they turned away and became hidden once more beneath the brim of his black hat.
Minutes later, Jimmy emerged from the stable on his horse. He tipped his hat in farewell as he rode past Myra, and she smiled at him knowingly. Then, she disappeared into the thick cloud of smoke that hovered inside the saloon and went back to work.
-THE END-
Time in a Bottle
by Jim Croce
-The Song-
If I could save Time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with
