My Past Is Looking Brighter (All the Time)
Just put one foot in front of the other. Keep moving at all costs. Stopping means you are captured or dead. One more step, one more foot, one more mile could mean life - and freedom. Just put one foot in front of the other.
Kid kept repeating the words in his head. He'd long ago given up trying to prod the members of his squad but he wasn't ready to give up on himself yet.
Many of the others had already stopped listening. They moved because sitting and staying where they were wasn't an option. Rumors had spread that officers were shooting those who gave up and refused to take that one next set. Other rumors said that divisions of colored troops were coming behind them, waiting for the chance to exact their revenge on those who had fought long and hard to keep them in chains. Kid wasn't sure if the rumors were true or not but he wasn't willing to take that chance - especially after he'd seen what even a few of the former slaves had resorted to in battle.
As long as they were moving there was some hope. Kid wasn't so mind-numbed that he didn't know the odds were stacked against them - ten months of Petersburg had driven that dream from his mind. But, if they could make it to Amelia Court House, they would reach the badly needed supplies and then from there . . . Kid didn't want to think about what came next.
Desertion, however tempting, was not an option for him. Many others had done just that, run off in the night without looking back. Kid had never even considered it. He'd already run off once.
Stopping long enough to take a swallow of water, Kid found himself thinking back to before he'd come East again - before the madness that had left him a mere shell of what he had been.
Life in Rock Creek had been good he realized now. Better than he'd believed possible. He'd been out of a job when the Pony Express had shut down but he'd known he'd be able to find something else soon enough - if he stayed.
The vision of Lou at one end of the aisle in her wedding dress and him at the other in his suit came, unbidden, into his mind. She'd never seemed more beautiful and he knew he'd never been happier. Their friends were there to see them become man and wife and, for that one minute and many after, he'd believed he'd be able to forget what was happening in Virginia and settle down to become the husband he should have been to her.
He'd tried, he really had, but with each new report of the war, it had become harder and harder to remain true to the vision the couple shared. Word that the town he had called home for the first half of his life had been destroyed by the Union troops had brought him up short.
Lou had fought to keep him in Rock Creek but hearing about his town - the place where he'd been born and where most of his family had been buried - had been the final straw. The arguments between the pair had escalated until finally they'd been unable to discuss even the simplest of daily events without fighting.
He'd left like a thief in the night - like the deserters who'd left Petersburg and other battles before that. Looking back he realized he'd taken the coward's way out but he'd known then and now that he wouldn't have been able to go in the light of day. As it was he'd spent almost an hour just standing at the side of the bed, looking down at his bride.
The message he'd left --I had to go, please wait for me --seemed so stupid to him now. He wouldn't, couldn't, blame her if she hadn't waited. In the three years he'd been at war she'd never written to him even though he'd written her. She'd moved on, he supposed, and rightfully so. He had no right to expect anything more from her.
Slowly, Kid started walking again, following the other men who trudged forward, their heads down, each lost in their own thoughts - or possibly just lost. Another step, another foot, another mile, just putting one foot in front of the other.
His mind still whirled around the dreams he'd had when he'd rode out that morning three years ago. He was going to go back and fight for the cause he believed in and, hopefully, at the end he would return to his family homestead its victorious owner. Then he'd send for Lou and show her why he'd had to leave her for what he'd believed then would be a short time.
Sharecroppers, his family hadn't owned the land but he just knew, if he fought well and hard, his army pay would buy it for him and his own family. Their children would be able to run through the lush green fields much as his brother and he had done - but without the cloud of his father's heavy hand hanging over them.
As he had ridden towards his destiny, he'd remembered how life had been when he was a child. Though times had been hard for the family, they'd loved each other fiercely. There had been many more good times than bad and he was determined that he would share the good times with Lou as soon as he finished what he'd set out to do.
Now, after three years of mud, blood and death later, he knew that he had been blinded by what had been and what he hoped would be. Above all else, he knew that what he left behind had been worth more than any of what he had hoped for in his foolish dreams of the future.
Wearily he reached into his pocket and pulled out a battered photograph. Lou had insisted they have it taken on their wedding day. It was his only proof of the life he'd given up to go on his glorious crusade.
The picture's edges were jagged and torn but Lou's face was intact. He could almost swear her face glowed back at him. He'd thought himself too tired and dehydrated to cry but, as a tear fell on the photograph, he cursed himself and his willful need to do what he had done.
"I was a fool," he whispered softly as he continued putting one foot in front of the other.
~~~~~~
My Past Is Looking Brighter (All The Time)
Written by Bob Morrison, Gene Dobbins and Michael Huffman
Sung by the Statler Brothers on their album Home
The farther down this lonesome road I go
The more I miss someone I used to know
The more I think of her the more she shines
My past is looking brighter all the time
Today is somewhere I don't want to be
There's no future in tomorrow I can see
And what a shame that hindsight won't go blind
My past is looking brighter all the time
I walked down this one way road not knowing where it led
Where are those greener pastures I thought I saw ahead
All I'll ever need I left behind
My past is looking brighter all the time
The more I think of her the more she shines
My past is looking brighter all the time
My past is looking brighter all the time
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