"Where's Teaspoon?"
Emma looked up from the bread dough she was kneading. Wiping her hand across her forehead, leaving a trail of flower in its wake, she responded, "He's gone."
"Gone?" Cody asked in surprise. "Gone where?"
"I don't know," the woman told him. "He stopped by a little bit ago and told me he had some thinkin' to do and would be back in a day or so."
"Thinkin'? What's he got to think about?"
"I don't know, Cody," Emma replied. "But he's a grown man and can do whatever he wants to do. He doesn't answer to you or me."
"Yeah, but who in their right mind would just take off in the middle of February," Cody mused. "It's colder than all get out out there."
"Like I said, Cody," Emma said firmly. "It ain't none of our business."
It was cold. So cold that Teaspoon Hunter could feel it in his bones. But the cold he was feeling wasn't from the weather as much as it was from his own mind.
Twenty-five years. It didn't seem possible it had been twenty-five years since the day when far too many good men had fought to the bitter end. Twenty-five years he'd been dealing with the survivor's guilt that he and the handful of others like him had felt.
Oh, he knew that he shouldn't feel that way. He had done what he could, what he'd been ordered to do just like Erastus and the others had done. It had been too little too late but at least he's tried and done his best in the trying.
When did he get to be so damned old?
It didn't seem all that long ago that he'd been a proud young man taking things for granted as he lived life to the fullest one day at a time. Lived and loved, married and divorced-more than once-always looking for better things that life had to give him. When did he realize that life didn't owe him a damned thing?
After the battle, after his friends and comrades had been lost, he'd lost himself for a while. He'd fought more than he should have and taken a lot more for granted. When had all that changed?
He'd been so sure, once upon a time, that he was going to take the world by the horns and wrestle it to the ground. He'd show all those folks who'd called him "good for nothing" that he was better than they ever dreamed possible. When had he learned that the world was just a bit too tough for him?
There'd been a time when he'd been the meanest, fastest gunslinger the Texas Rangers had ever known. He'd had to prove it many times over to outlaws and to men who simply wanted to build a reputation. When had he decided he'd become too old and maybe just a bit too slow to keep moving through life the way he had?
Sitting in the old line shack waiting for his coffee to come to a boil, he traced his life after the fateful day when he'd ridden through the night, praying that he'd be able to find help in time.
First there'd been the time of wandering. He'd had the best of everything. Money had been no object then. He'd work long enough or gamble long enough to get a stake and then he'd spend it on what he wanted when he wanted it. He'd never admit to anyone that sometimes working and gambling weren't enough so he'd had to do other things to get the funds he needed.
It wasn't until the December after the battle for the Alamo that he'd returned to the Texas Rangers. He'd been a part of the original group that old Sam Houston had formed and had been assigned to Gonzales County not long after that.
That's where he'd met the first wife. She had been a good woman-still was-but too young to deal with his daredevil ways. She'd left him finally when she'd realized he was hell-bent on getting himself killed. She told him she didn't want to mourn for him because he'd been stupid and got himself into something he couldn't get out of. At the time he'd thought she'd been pretty darned selfish but now, looking back, he saw he was the selfish one. He took and took and seldom gave. Looking back, he saw he'd taken all she could give and then some. He'd learned nothing from his time with her and blamed her for it. His pride wouldn't let him cope with the divorce any other way.
His second wife had been a Comanche. She was a right pretty little thing when they'd married but that had changed pretty fast. Looking back at that one, he wished he'd not been so rough on her. She gave as good as she got but she didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated her. He'd learned something from her at least . . . how to sleep with one eye open.
The third wife was older than the first two. She was the daughter of a lawman and saw past the false bravado to try to help him find his way. He'd learned a lot from her-just not enough. Giving still wasn't part of his nature then. Oh, he'd tried, but only when the woman had demanded that he try-especially when the woman had demanded that he try. They had some good times though. He really missed her.
He'd learned more (he realized now) from wife number four than he'd ever dreamed possible. She had some spice to her like wife number three but her quiet ways did far more than the other woman's demands. He found himself giving to her because HE wanted to and that was when things started to change. Unfortunately their life together wasn't meant to be either. She didn't like the West and he couldn't breathe back East.
That's when he'd quit the Rangers he realized suddenly. He'd tried hard to make his life work with hers even though it had meant giving up everything he loved about the West. It hadn't worked out, of course. His heart just wasn't in being stuck in a factory all day. So he'd come home to the Texas to find things had changed. People were becoming more civilized and that wasn't something he could handle.
Once again he'd started to wander. There'd been other women too-he'd lost count of their number at some point. But then there'd been a good long stretch where for the most part it was just him. He'd come to Sweetwater looking for a job and had met up with Alexander Majors looking for someone to help run a way-station for the new Pony Express.
Well, by golly, if there was one thing he could do, it was teach these youngsters he figured. He'd learned a lot over the years and if what he'd learn could keep them alive it would be a fitting end to his life. He'd never expected to become so . . . attached to the boys who rode for the Pony.
He reckoned he had learned almost as much over the past few months as they had from him. He saw a lot of what he had been in each of them in one way or another.
Jimmy was going down that same wrong path. Hopefully in his future there would be a woman to teach him what Teaspoon's wives had all taught him. Teaspoon could only hope his stubborn pride would let him learn before it was too late.
As for the others, Buck and Ike were going to have a hard time-half-breeds and those who were just a little bit different always did. Cody, well Cody was Cody. No telling where he'd end up. He made Teaspoon laugh sometime-only when no one was looking-so Teaspoon reckoned he'd be okay. Kid had a lot of grit. He'd give him that. He'd go far-if he didn't get himself killed in a senseless war that loomed on the horizon. Lou was still a mystery. Lou would take some thought but he had a lot of courage for one so young and so small.
The hissing of the coffee boiling over and falling into the fire roused the man from his musing. Grunting in pain as his bare hand grabbed the handle, he pulled the pot from the fire and promptly dropped it to the floor. Moving quickly, Teaspoon pulled the door open with his good hand and dipped the other into a pile of snow.
"You ARE getting old, Aloysius," he declared. "But at least you've learned a thing or two along the way."
Since Then
Written by Lew DeWitt
Sung by The Statler Brothers on their album Innerview
In my youth I was enchanted
Took the good, good life for granted
Thought the better things were handed out for free
But since then I've learned that living
Does require a bit of giving
And some things that I'd been missing now I see.
And there was a time when I was slow
To lend a helping hand
I'm not perfect
But I've learned a lot since then.
There were times when I thought surely
I'd find riches in a hurry
And become the judge and jury of my time
And the life I thought so splendid
Turned before me to be mended
Placing realms where I intended not to climb.
And the world that used to fall in step
Beneath my guiding hands
Is still turning
But it's changed a lot since then.
Since then (Since then) I've made a new way
Since then (Since then) I've found a new day
Since then (Since then) the shackles that bound
Have been (Have been) unshackled (un-bound)
Since when my pride was always pushing me
To be a bigger man
I'm still trying and I've learned a lot since then.
Since then (Since then) I've made a new way
Since then (Since then) I've found a new day
Since then (Since then) the shackles that bound
Have been (Have been) unshackled (un-bound)
Since when my pride was always pushing me
To be a bigger man
I'm still trying and I've learned alot since then
I'm still trying and I've learned alot since then...