“If only.”
How could two little words—not even a real sentence—cause him such grief? Jimmy Hickok didn’t know and didn’t really care—he just wanted to close his eyes and fall into the kind of sleep that let him forget everything that had happened that day.
He’d tried drinking himself into a stupor at the reception but the others had kept him from getting enough whiskey to make him forget. It was like Buck, Teaspoon and Rachel had known his goal and had intentionally set up obstacles to keep him from reaching oblivion. Even after they’d all gone home and he’d decided to stay at the hotel instead of going back to the bunkhouse, he’d not been able to drink enough to forget the celebration joining his friends in Holy Matrimony.
The wedding had gone off without a hitch—well almost. He’d been late, in fact he’d almost decided not to go at all. He probably wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for his promise to walk Lou down the aisle. Shoot they’d even started without him with Jesse, of all people, taking his place at Lou’s side.
But he’d made it and he’d been the one to give the bride away. He’d considered not letting go. He’d considered a lot of things but looking at Lou and realizing she was looking only at Kid—seeing only the man she had chosen to marry—had driven any other thoughts from his mind. If only he hadn’t been so blind, things might have been different.
And there was that one moment when Teaspoon, in the middle of having the pair recite their vows, had stumbled. None of them had really given much thought to the fact that not one of them knew Kid’s real name. Jimmy chuckled wryly, wishing for just one second he had been close enough to hear what his friend had whispered to the older man. The name must have been a doozy given the priceless look on Teaspoon’s face and the fact that he’d used “Kid” to complete the words that would forever bind the couple together.
Another chuckle reverberated through the room as Jimmy considered how Lou was going to be addressed from that day forward. “Mrs. Kid?”
Lou—Jimmy rolled onto his back with a sigh. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d seen her look more beautiful. Who’d a thought the scrawny, bespectacled “boy” he’d met months earlier would have turned out to be such a beautiful young woman.
Jimmy rolled to his side again, then sat up and punched at his pillow—trying to make it a more comfortable place to lay his head. It didn’t work. Somehow he doubted all the feathers in the world would make it easier to rid himself of the memories that flooded in.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t had his chances. Shoot, Lou and Kid fought more than most married folks long before they’d even considered getting hitched. And Lou had turned to him for comfort almost every time.
There was a time when he thought there might have been something more—a time when he thought she might have even been falling in love with him. Deep inside he knew he’d been in love with her.
But “Wild Bill” didn’t have a place for her in his life and no matter how hard he tried, Jimmy couldn’t separate himself from his alter ego. He’d hated himself for pushing her away but he wasn’t the right man for her. He wasn’t the right man for anyone.
Still he couldn’t help but think “If only.” Could he have had more time for her when she needed him. If he’d been more open to her, would it have been him she was lying with tonight? Would it have been him she was saying, “I love you” to instead of Kid?
He’d tried to be her friend when she needed him to be. Even now he thought he’d done a pretty good job of being a friend—as far as he took it—at least he hoped he had.
But the two little words kept coming back to haunt him. If only. If only he’d done more, maybe—just maybe . . .
“Damn it, Hickok, stop it!” the man commanded aloud. “She’s married to Kid and there ain’t nothing you can do about it now!”
His words echoed in the empty room.
Who Am I To Say?
Written by Kim Reid
Sung by the Statler Brothers on their album The Statler Brothers Ride
Again Volume II
I wish I had a dollar for ev'ry time I was unkind;
I wish I'd had an answer for all the questions on her mind;
I wish I'd had the time for all the times she needed me:
I wish I'd realized but I was much too blind to see.
All she wanted was to love me, but all I did was turn away;
If I'd known how much she needed me she might be here today
And if I'd only been more open and understood her ways.
She might be in my arms tonight, But who am I so say?
If I'd only been more loving when she needed a best friend;
If I'd only patched up pieces that she needed me to mend;
If I'd seen her troubled heart and figured out just what to do
She might be laying here tonight and saying, "I love you,"
All she wanted was to love me, but all I did was turn away;
If I'd known how much she needed me she might be here today
And if I'd only been more open and understood her ways.
She might be in my arms tonight, But who am I so say?
She should be in my arms tonight, But who am I to say?