No One Will Ever Know
"Shouldn't Lou've been back by
now?" I hear Emma ask, the concern evident in her voice.
"Now Emma," Teaspoon starts in
a calming voice. "Give the boy a chace, it was his first ride. Stop
worryin'."
Emma stopps drying the dish
she was working on. "I've told you already, as long as these boys are
in my care, I'll worry as much as needs be. He should've been back
after breakfast, and here it is past lunch."
"I'm leavin' for my run soon,
if I don't pass him along the way, I'll ask at the next station," I
say. More than likely Lou realized he just wasn't capable of this work.
I think back to our encounter by the barn yesterday after we came back
from town.
~~
I gave Katy a sugar cube and
rubbed her muzzle before turning her loose in the corral. I heard a
noise and turned to see Lou struggling to put his saddle on the top of
the fence; it's almost taller than he is. I went over to help and we
get it up.
"I coulda done it myself," he
said angrily.
I shrugged, "I know." I
started to walk towards the bunkhouse, but his voice stopped me.
"Thanks just the same."
I nodded accepting his thanks,
and then turned around. "You like doin' everything by yourself?"
"Used to it," he told me
defensively.
"Me, too," I paused. I couldn't help but wonder why someone as young as
he is would want this job. "Some ways we're the same, Lou." Neither one
of us felt comfortable here. Maybe if he knew he had a friend... "You
don't hardly talk to nobody. It ain't my business, but..."
"You're right. It ain't your
business."
The venomous tone in his voice
told me all I need to know. He wants to be left alone like me. I turned
around and headed back to the bunkhouse leaving him alone to do his
work.
~~
As I'm approaching the next
way station without passing Lou along the way, I begin to think I was
right, that he did quit. I keep telling myself that because I hate to
think what else might have happened. I know the job is dangerous, but I
hate to think of any of us getting hurt... or worse.
The first thing I notice as I
ride into the station is the place looks deserted, even the horses are
gone. I see a body lying on the ground and rush over to help expecting
it to be Harley, the stationmaster, but I soon realize it's Lou.
"Lou!" I call out as I rush to
his side. I turn him over and he moans; a good sign. "Hang on, Lou." I
easily pick him up and throw him over my shoulder. I can see blood on
his shirt but I can't tell how bad he's hurt. I quickly carry him into
the house and place him on the small cot.
He moaned again and weakly
tries to fight me off as I unbuckle his holster and loosen his pants
some so I can pull out his shirt.
"You'll be okay, Lou," I tell
him, hoping it's true. "Lemme just see how bad..."
"No," he says still trying to fight me. "Don't!"
I raise his shirt and... I
blush... Of all the things I expected, breasts were not among of them.
I'm confused, stunned and can't breathe. It takes me a moment to catch
my breath again. "Lou?" I ask hoping that somehow I've made a mistake.
"What's the matter Kid?" she
asks before pushing my hands away. "Never seen a girl before?"
She moans a few more times and
then passes out. I'm relieved because I don't know what to say.
I try and sit and watch her
throughout the night, but she wakes me around midnight. I realize she's
running a fever so I pump some water from outside and spend the next
few hours checking and tending to her wound, bathing her forehead and
praying she'll be all right.
During her fever, she calls
out to people-- Teresa, Jeremiah, Charlotte... and I wonder who they
are. Are they her friends or family? Do they know where she is and what
she's doing? I have so many questions but don't know how to ask her. So
many thoughts are running through my mind.
At the first sign of light, I
go back outside and start a large fire. They should be able to see the
smoke back at the Sweetwater station and hopefully will come and check
it out. When I get back inside, Lou's awake; her fever broken and she's
looking a lot better.
I stand by the window watching
for signs of the others. I can't look at her, I'm too uncomfortable.
"The boys will see the smoke. They'll be here soon. You're lucky, you
just creased your ribs. Might have cracked a couple but you'll be OK."
"Do you wanna cut the small
talk?" I hear her reply. She knows I'm uncomfortable and it doesn't
seem to bother her.
Fine, if she wants to act like
normal then I will. I turn and walk towards her, getting angry. "What
are you doin' here? Don't you know what those men would have done to
you if they found out you were a girl?"
I watch her flinch as my words
sink in; she knows I'm right.
"Nobody knows but you." I had
already figured that out as I start to walk back to the window. Her
voice stops me. "Listen Kid, I run away from an orphanage. In St. Joe.,
Missouri. I got a little brother and sister still back there. A girl
with no ma, no pa, no kin ... what's left for me? Scrubbing floors or
worse?"
The look on her face tells me she's seen the worse part first hand.
Maybe not lived it herself, but she knows what could happen to a girl
all alone out in the west. "Well, ain't there something else you can
do?"
She gets defensive on me
again. "Why should I? I already showed I'm as good as you, Hickok,
Cody, any of you."
I know she's right but it's
still hard for me to accept. I was brought up to believe that women
were to be protected from the dangerous things in life and that I
should treat them with respect and kindness.
I remember asking my ma one
day about my feelings towards Doritha. She told me, "Kid, when you meet
that someone special, you'll know. You won't be able to breathe or
think straight. All thoughts except for her will vanish. She'll be the
first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you'll
think about before you fall asleep. No matter what your pa has done to
us, I once felt that way about him."
I just realized that for some
reason, maybe because her bunk is right above mine, I've spent several
nights thinking about the smaller rider. How he... well she, would be
able to cut it in this job. And I'd wake up in the morning surprised to
still see her there.
I suddenly realize though,
that my southern manners have escaped me. She is a girl, and I should
introduce myself properly to her. "What's your real name?"
"Louise," she says it almost
like she's forgotten it and hasn't gone by that name in a long time.
But I smile. "Louise McCloud."
It's a pretty name, just like
she is... I blush and hold my hand out to her. "Pleased to meet you,
Louise."
She slaps my hand away and
smiles. "You met me already." She grimaces and grabs her side. It
brings me back to my point.
"You won't fool people
forever," I point out, though I admit she's done a good job of it until
now. I can't figure out how all of us missed it now that I know.
"I don't have to. I'm gonna save all my money. Get a place of my own.
Get my brother and sister out of there." If its money she wants, I'll
give her some, I'm sure the others will too. But her next words are
almost like she was reading my mind. "Kid, Don't say nothin'. They'll
get rid of me for sure."
We hear the others riding up.
They've seen the signal and have come to check it out. I'm confused as
to what to do. Do I tell them? Do I keep her secret?
"Kid, you can't tell," she
begs.
I give her a noncommittal
look. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but if I don't get out
there soon, the others may come in here. There will be too many
questions I'm just not ready to answer yet.
"Lou, you just heal up and
we'll see," I tell her before heading out to meet the others.
As were outside talking about
what to do next, Lou comes out ready to join us. I don't want her
coming with us.
"Lou, you should be restin'."
"I'm goin'," she angrily
replies.
Why does she have to be so
stubborn? How can I make her stay behind? "You can't Lou, you're hurt."
"Lou's got a right," Jimmy
says. "Thinks he's fit, why can't he?"
"Because..." I almost say
because she's a girl. I see the fear in her eyes that I'll tell them.
"Because what?" Cody asks.
"Because he'll slow us down,"
I say looking towards her. I'm scared the others will see the truth in
my eyes, that there's something more going on.
"You said yourself, I'm not
hurt that bad. I'm going!" Each word she says gets louder.
"Guess Lou's goin'," Jimmy
agrees wondering what the big deal is. I shake my head. I don't like
it, but I have no other choice.
As we mount and prepare to
ride off, I give one last look towards Lou. There's a plea in my eyes
and I see the fear in hers. I'm not sure if its fear of what might
happen or the fear I'll tell. I won't for now, but if anything happens
to her... Well I'll just make sure nothing will.
When we return back to the
station after dropping Scarface and his men at the Marshall's, Emma
comes out to meet us.
"You alright, Lou?" Emma asks
concerned.
"Just fine, Emma. Bullet just
grazed me and I bruised a few ribs. Nothin' I can't take care of
myself."
I look over at Lou, silently
urging her to have Emma check the wounds. Since we've been gone, Lou
wouldn't let me because the others were around.
"Well if you need help
changin' the bandage or just want to talk, you know where to find me."
"Thanks, Emma. I'll keep that
in mind," she says before we head to the barn to put away the horses.
The others are already in
there and I stand beside her as we continue to walk, "Lou, if you won't
let me, let Emma check your wound."
"Kid, I already told you no.
She'll tell Teaspoon and I'll be out of a job. I'm fine, doesn't much
bother me anymore." She walks faster, leaving me behind.
I know she's not fine, the
past few days of riding have taken their toll on her small body. I'd
offer to put her horse up for her, but I know she'll just get mad. I'm
so confused about all these feelings I have for her. I don't know, it's
something more than just being worried and wanting to take care of her,
make sure she's all right. Maybe I should talk to Teaspoon about it.
The next day as I'm waiting
for my ride, I get my chance. "Teaspoon, you must know lots about
things."
"Most what I need."
"Well, what about women?"
Teaspoon looks proud that I've
come to him advice. He also looks surprised that I would come to him
for advice about women. "Kid, you come to the right place. I expect I
got more expertise than most. "
I grin. Hopefully he'll be
able to help me figure out what I've been feeling about Lou. "How
come?"
"I've been married. Yes, sir.
Three times to white women, two times to Indians."
Maybe this isn't such a good
idea. If he's been married that many times he might not know as much as
the says, or at least not be able to help me. "So then you must've
learned a whole lot?" I question him.
"Kid, when it comes to human
beings, affairs of the heart, the world is kinda like a wheel, divided
into three equal parts. Each part wants the part that don't want it. If
one of these parts desires the other and it's mutual, that's what's
called the freak of nature."
I sigh. This isn't helping me
any, only making me more confused. But I keep listening as he rambles
on.
"So people get married and
they call it love but it weren't really who they thought it was in the
first place. So years pass by and you find out you've done married up
to a stranger. So, the question is, if they was married to a stranger,
who was they with all that time before. You see what I'm gettin' at?"
"It's very confusing,"
especially since I can't tell him why I'm so confused.
"I dare say. I dare say it is,
Kid." I want to ask him more questions, but Cody arrives and I have
work to do.
A few days later I'm out by
the coral checking on Katy. I'm still worried about her injury and I
don't want to ride her until I know she's going to be okay. I'm rubbing
her muzzle when I hear Lou come up.
"Kid?" she asks. There's both relief and uncertainty in her voice.
I turn to look at her. "Yes
Lou?"
"Thank you for keeping my
secret."
"I didn't promise..."
"No, but you could've said
something and you didn't."
I smile and then look away.
I'm scared she'll see how I feel even if I'm not sure how I feel. But
she's right, I could've told the others, but she's proven herself to
me. As long as she stays safe... "You got a right to make your own way.
I won't tell. I give you my word."
She smiles and looks around.
She leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. I don't know what's come
over me, but suddenly I turn my head and kiss her on the lips. It's a
simple kiss, but she doesn't pull away, not at first. Eventually she
does, and I find myself disappointed.
Neither one of us is sure what
to do or say next. After a moment, I say the first thing that comes to
my mind. "It's gonna take some getting used to, now that you are a
girl."
She smiles as she looks at me.
"Uh, I always been a girl, Kid." She starts to walk away but gives me
one last look. Her words have brought me back to reality.
My mother's advice also comes
back into my mind. When I'm around her, I can't breathe or think
straight. All I can think about is her. But I don't know if Lou's the
one for me. How can we find out the way we work and live together? I
decide to keep my feelings to myself from now on. I'm afraid that I may
say or do something to give her away. As long as I'm the only one who
knows her secret, no one will ever know.
