AN: This story spun off from my 11 Part Harmony Challenge for Lou (Almost Persuaded). It deals with abortion, which I know is an issue that people feel strongly about one way or another. This is definitely not one of my Kid/Lou fluff pieces, but the muses begged so I listened. The views expressed in this story do not necessarily reflect those of the author, the Ranch, or my wonderful Beta readers (who will remain nameless for e-mail protection). This story also became a challenge between me and Ellie. She was alerted to the fact by a common idea bouncer off, that I was already doing something similar to her awesome Hard Choices story. So after bouncing ideas back and forth we went our separate ways on the same issue. Of course she had more resources on the issue, but the doctor mentioned in my story, is an actual doctor whose name was never revealed, but was tried and hung. All comments, good or bad are welcome. Skeeter, this is for you and it’s as close as you’re gonna get. Now send us those pics! ~~ Part 1 ~~ Kid returned from his run and went looking for Lou. He’d been worried about her since the day Travis killed Wicks, and he wanted to make sure she was alright. After making sure Katy was settled in the barn, Kid noticed Lightning was in his stall. As he walked towards the bunkhouse he saw Rachel hanging some laundry on the line. “Welcome home Kid,. Have a good run?” “Yeah. Hey Rachel, have you seen Lou? I wanted to talk to her.” “Not since breakfast. Everything ok?” “That’s what I was wonderin’. Did she go to Wicks’ funeral today?” Rachel stared at Kid puzzled. “Why would she do that?” “I thought since she knew him and all she might want to pay her respects, even with all that’s happened.” Rachel realized at that moment Lou still hadn’t told Kid about the rape. “I don’t think so Kid. I know Teaspoon had some questions for her, maybe she’s over at his office.” “I’ll go look around, if you see her before I do, let her know I’m lookin’ for her?” Rachel nodded as Kid walked away. Kid looked around town and even went by the cemetery but there was no one there. There had been a sign on Teaspoon’s door that he was out on official business so Kid decided to wait for Lou back at the bunkhouse. As he was heading back he heard her calling from Teaspoon’s office. “Kid!” Kid turned to see her walking towards him. “Hey.” “Hey. Mind if I join you?” “Sure.” They walked together silently for a few moments. Kid could tell Lou had been crying. “I’m ready to talk now.” “You don’t have to.” “I want to.” “Then I’m ready to listen.” The couple walked out of town towards the creek. Lou didn’t want to tell Kid what she had to where someone could easily overhear them. She thought that after telling Rachel, things would be easier. But as she sat in Teaspoons’ office telling him she wondered how she’d ever be able to tell Kid. Teaspoon had held her while she broke down in sobs afterwards, but she couldn’t bear to see the pity in the old man’s misting eyes. Teaspoon and Rachel didn’t know the entire story and she didn’t want to tell them. But it was time she told someone, and she silently prayed Kid wouldn’t hate her forever. After a few minutes, they settled down not too far from where Kid had often gone to think. “Are you ok?” Kid became worried when she wouldn’t look at him. She kept gazing out at the water in front of them. “I wanted to explain what you saw the other day. Why I did what I did.” “I know you’d never do anythin’ without a good reason Lou. I figured it had to do with Charlotte and her dyin’. I know she was your friend and you cared about her a great deal.” “It’s more than that.” She took a deep breath. “Well, remember when I told you I ran away from the orphanage in St. Joe’s?” Kid nodded. “It was cold and I was so hungry. No one wanted to hire a thirteen-year-old girl with no skills. I had to steal food just to eat and at night I would try and sneak into someone’s unlocked barn just to stay warm. Well one day Wicks caught me stealin’ some food and he offered to take me in. He gave me food, shelter, clothes and a job. It was there I met Charlotte.” “Wicks owned a boardin’ house?” The man Kid had met didn’t seem the type. “Not exactly. I didn’t know what kind of place it was at first. I guess Charlotte tried to protect me from knowin’, as well as from the other girls that worked there. Lookin’ back I don’t know how I missed the kind of place it was.” Kid watched as Lou was trying to hold back tears as it slowly dawned on him where she had worked. He could never have imagined her working in a place like that. As it started to sink in he thought he knew what she was going to tell him next. “You mean you were a...” He choked on the words and as soon as he said the words he wanted to take them back. He had never seen such anger in her eyes and it frightened him. A few minutes passed as Lou tried to ignore his remark. Finally she shook her head. “Maybe that would have been easier.” Kid looked even more confused. “Lou, you’re not makin’ this any easier for me to understand.” “For almost a year I rarely saw Wicks. Charlotte made sure I was kept pretty busy workin’ in the laundry, and when I wasn’t workin’ there, she’d keep me busy doin’ other things. Then one night, Wicks made sure she wasn’t around.” Lou pulled her knees up tight against her chest and hugged them. She lowered her head, resting it on her arm,s and mumbled. “I didn’t catch that, Lou. What’d ya say?” Lou raised her head but couldn’t look at him. “That evenin’ I was headin’ back to my room after supper. When I walked by the door to Wicks’ office, I overheard him talkin’ to someone. He was mentionin’ how he had a “feisty little thing” that the person would like, but that she needed to be broke first. I didn’t realize it until later that night that he had been talkin’ about me.” Kid placed his finger under her chin and turned her face towards him. His heart broke at the sight of her tear stained cheeks and red swollen eyes. “Who else knows?” Lou shook her head. “Up until a coupla of days ago, Charlotte was the only one who knew.” Kid was taken aback. He thought they had shared everything about their lives, now she was admitting she’d told someone before him. He was trying not to get angry, it wasn’t her fault this horrible thing had happened to her, but he was upset she didn’t come to him first. “Rachel was the first. I told her the night after Charlotte’s funeral. I had gone to the barn and fell asleep. I woke up after havin’ a nightmare, and was headin’ back to the bunkhouse when she called out to me. We just started talkin’ and it came out. Then before I saw you, I had to tell Teaspoon. Apparently there were some questions bein’ asked, so I told him.” Kid looked relieved. He didn’t know why he thought she would have told Jimmy first, but he still wished she had told him sooner; it explained so much about the way she’d lived. “Is that when you started dressin’ as a boy?” She nodded. “Charlotte found me the next mornin’. Wicks had beaten me up pretty badly so she took me to see the doctor. While I was seein’ the doctor, I guess she stole some money from Wicks. She bought me a ticket to St. Louis; she thought it would be safer and she was scared Wicks might come after me. Apparently his customer had paid a lot of money for me. Wicks nearly killed her when he found out she helped me escape. I never looked back, at least not ‘till she found me here.” “Why didn’t you tell me all of this sooner?” “I don’t know, maybe I thought you would have loved me less. Does it make a difference?” Kid shook his head. “No, but maybe I wouldn’t have rushed things.” “Kid, you weren’t the only one rushin’ things. I wanted it just as much as you did. Maybe more.” “The doctor you saw… Did he say if… I mean are you…” Kid wasn’t sure how to phrase the question most on his mind without upsetting her more than she already was. “Were there any complications from the rape? I mean can you still have children?” Kid saw the look of panic cross her face and mistook it for her thinking he was rushing their relationship again. “I mean when we’re ready, later, in the future.” Lou had to smile as he stumbled over his words and a chuckle escaped her mouth. Kid released a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding when he heard her chuckle. If she can laugh, things can’t be all that bad, he thought. Lou got serious again as his words began to sink in. Through all their talks about their future, they had never discussed the possibility of children. “You know, we never talked about that,” she said softly. Lou looked down at the ground and picked up a blade of grass, absentmindedly twirling it between her fingers. “About children?” She nodded. “Guess I kinda hoped you felt the same way I did,” he said as he took the blade of grass and lifted her face up. “I hoped that you’d wanna have them someday… and hopefully with me. I know we both had horrible childhoods, but that doesn’t stop me from wantin’ some of my own.” Lou remained silent. Kid sounded so passionate while he continued talking about the children he wanted them to have some day. She realized telling Kid about the rape had been the easy part, even though she had barely been able to get the words out. Now she wasn’t sure how she could tell him the rest of it. “Kid there’s more.” Kid wasn’t sure if he could bear to hear anymore. The pain, rage and other feelings he was experiencing could only be a fraction of what she had felt over the past five years. “What if I couldn’t give you the children you want?” “Wicks beat you that bad that he stole that from us as well? Well, we can always adopt. Find children like us who had a bad start in life and…” Kid stopped and stared at Lou. She was hugging her legs tightly and rocking back and forth slowly on the ground. Her face was buried in her arms, over her knees, but he could hear the heart retching sobs. “Lou, what’s wrong?” “It wasn’t the beatin’ that caused the complications.” Kid tried to keep his voice calm but he knew it wouldn’t do much good. He knew from experience that when she became evasive as she was now, then things weren’t good. “How do you know? Are you sure? What did the doc say? What was it then? Lou, what happened?” “I know it wasn’t ‘cause of the beatin’ because a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.” ~~ Part 2 ~~ “What?” Kid couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. His Lou had gotten pregnant as a result of such a violent act. All these thoughts kept racing through his mind. “But how... I mean where...” “Kid, I can’t,” she pleaded. She was exhausted both physically and emotionally. He hadn’t felt this confused and angry in a long time. “You just don’t say somethin’ like that and then not explain what you mean.” “Kid, please,” Lou begged. She hadn’t expected Kid to hold her in his arms and whisper words of comfort, but his anger directed towards her was the last thing she had expected. “No Lou, I ain’t gonna let you run off this time. You can tell Rachel and Teaspoon but you can’t tell me?” “You’re the first one I ever told about this. Not even Charlotte knew.” “That’s why you were never worried when we made love… You knew I couldn’t get you pregnant.” Lou shook her head. “I didn’t know, I thought I couldn’t because I’ve always been so small, my cycles were never regular to begin with. After the pregnancy, they were few and far between. It wasn’t until we got back together…” She shook her head trying to forget that horrible day at the doctors’ office. "So what happened?” “I was barely fourteen when I found out. I was stayin’ with a friend of Charlotte’s named Alice. She let me work in the stables and at the livery in exchange for room and board. I loved workin’ with the horses and it felt good to actually do somethin’ I was good at and not have to wonder why someone was bein’ so nice to me.” “After several months, I felt so sick; I didn’t leave my room for days. Alice came to check on me because she started to get worried when I didn’t come out for meals or to go to work. She knew what had happened to me and thought that something was seriously wrong with me. Maybe some complication from the rape, so she sent for the doctor.” “When the doctor told me the news, I went into a state of shock. I mean I knew how babies were made, but I just didn’t think that it was possible… My first thought was to contact Charlotte for advice, but then I remembered Wicks could find out where I was. I was scared and alone, and was carryin’ a reminder of the worst night of my life.” Some of Kid’s pain subsided, but he still couldn’t look at her. “Lou, I need to know. Do you have a child out there somewhere?” Lou shook her head. “Kid, you have to believe that if I did, I would have told you.” Kid finally looked at Lou and saw the sincerity of the statement in her eyes but he was beginning to doubt everything he believed though. “I’m not sure what to believe anymore. Would you have ever told me about the rape if Charlotte hadn’t shown up? What about after we’d been married for a coupla years and we still hadn’t had a child? Would you have told me about the pregnancy then?” Her hesitation before nodding gave him her true answer. Her tears started flowing again and he turned away. “Kid, just a few days ago, you were the one who said you couldn’t help but wantin’ to know more about me.” Kid flinched as his words came back to haunt him. “Even after all this time, you knew there was more to me that you didn’t know. Now I’m tryin’ to tell you. I know it may destroy everything we have, but you need to know. Maybe you need to know just as much as I finally need to tell someone.” Both remained silent for quite awhile as they both thought about what was now out in the open. As his anger started to subside, Kid began to get worried. He’d never seen Lou this upset before and he hated to think she had to go through that at such a young age. He couldn’t help but think of when his pa had caused his ma to lose a baby. She had never been the same afterwards; but she had been older, and had already had two children. Lou’s life had hardly begun when this had happened to her. It pained him that Wicks took the chance from him to be a father. Took away from him the chance to experience the miracle of creating a child with the woman he loved more than anything. He pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder. “You losin’ that baby… That was just God’s way of tellin’ you no matter how strong and independent you were you just weren’t strong enough to deal with that.” Lou shook her head. “Kid, you don’t understand.” “It’s okay. I know I just carried on about havin’ children with you, but we’ll just find another way,” he said stroking her hair. “And who knows, maybe there’s somethin’ new that the doc can tell us about. It ain’t your fault, Lou. We can get through this like we’ve gotten through everything else.” Lou allowed herself a brief smile before his words sank in. “It ain’t your fault”, kept repeating over and over in her head as she felt him lovingly rub her arms as he often did. Ever since their first time together, it was their way of being close to each other, a way of being joined as one when they couldn’t be in any other way. That simple gesture usually comforted her, but now it made her scared. She knew from all the times he had gone with her to see Teresa and Jeremiah that he would one day make a wonderful father. She realized now that he was right; she should have told him all of this much sooner, at least when they had decided to try and make things work again. Kid had just moments before confessed he was willing to give up having his own children, because he thought she had lost the baby. It would be so much easier to let him think that, but it was time even if it meant losing him forever. “Kid, I didn’t lose the baby.” His head jerked up from where it had been resting on her shoulder. “I’m confused, I thought…” “A few days later after the doctor told me the news, Alice brought me the newspaper.” She took a deep breath. “Inside I saw an advertisement for a doctor that traveled throughout the territory, that offered what I thought would be the perfect solution.” “You mean you had…” he couldn’t even say the word and he had heard enough. He didn’t even know those kinds of things existed until he started working for the Express. He’d only heard about them then when he overheard the other guys talking about one of the girls over at the saloon. They had mentioned that there were things a woman could do or buy that would help end a pregnancy. But he had thought that was only for whores and not someone as decent and loving as his Louise. But she wasn’t his Louise anymore. The Louise he thought he knew would never do something like that no matter the circumstances. Just a few days ago he had watched as she was torn between killing the man who had put her in this situation or not. Now she was admitting she had killed an innocent life, one that had never been given a chance. And because of that he would never have a child of his own. At least not with the woman he thought he loved. “How do you find out? What do you mean you didn’t know until after we got back together?” Lou refused to look at him. If he was this upset for not telling him about the abortion, this would send him over the edge. “A coupla weeks ago, I started to get worried. Like I said, my cycles were never that regular to begin with. Well remember that afternoon up in the loft when we let things go further than we intended?” Kid nodded. “I got worried because… I thought I might be… I didn’t have one at all.” Kid instantly realized what Lou meant. A few days after her buried Garth and Doritha, he had been feeling pretty low. The weather had been stormy and he wasn’t able to go to the spot Lou had found him at only days before. Instead she had found him up in the loft of the barn when she returned from her run and held him as his self doubts began to surface. A simple kiss to push his fears and doubts out of his mind had led to more. They both regretted letting things go to far because just days earlier, when they decided to try and make things work between them, they had decided to go slow this time and concentrate more on their emotional relationship then the physical one. But then they got caught up in the moment that afternoon, and now after four months, she’s saying she thought they had created a child. “Why didn’t you tell me?” his voice was filled with anger. First she had kept the abortion a secret, now she was admitting she had kept the fact she thought she had been pregnant from him. “I wanted to know for sure so the next run I had scheduled to St. Joe, I went to see the doc there. After he examined me, he told me that there was too much scarring… that I couldn’t have children.” He couldn’t look at her and wanted to be as far away from her as possible. “I’m sorry Lou, I need you to leave.” “Kid wait, I’m not done, please let me finish. Let me tell you how it happened,” she could barely get the words out between uncontrollable sobs as she told him the story. ~~ ** ~~ St. Louis- 1855 “Miss Boggs, you’re sure about this? There are other options.” The older woman, who was something called a midwife according to the sign, said as she put her arm around the young girl’s shoulders. The young girl nodded, then shook her head, and then nodded again. “It’s alright to be scared, most women who come here, a lot older than you, get that way. Now if you lie on the table, the doctor can examine you, alright?” Lou knew what was coming. The doctor Alice had fetched the day she learned she was pregnant had been gentle, but after realizing she would scream any time she was touched, he’d had to give her something to calm her down before they continued. This doctor didn’t, and wasn’t gentle at all. As she felt his hands on her thighs, images of Wicks standing over her flashed through her mind. As before, she screamed and tried to fight to get away. It was if the doctor had become her tormentor and she began to wonder if she would ever be able to let a man touch her in that way again. After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finished his exam. “Everything looks fine,” he said. “You need to make a decision soon though. My fee rises sharply if I perform the procedure after the baby is movin’, which from what you told me, could be as soon as the next coupla weeks.” Lou just nodded, still in shock that she was in this postion let alone considering this. “So do you have any questions?” “When is the soonest you can get it done?” “You’re sure then?” She nodded. “Well, we can set it up here in my office for the day after tomorrow. You’ll need to stay in the boarding house next door for several days afterwards so we can monitor the progression of things. Since you still seem hesitant, the other option is I can give you some cotton root to take with you. You can take it at any time within the next few months, or not at all.” “Day after tomorrow is fine. If I do this… I mean…” she paused, trying to hold back her tears. “In the future, when I’m ready…” The midwife patted Lou’s shoulder and smiled. “You’re young and healthy. Someday, when you’re ready, you’ll make some young man very happy with all the children you’ll give him.” “All we need now is the seventy-five dollar deposit,” the doctor told her. “And then you’ll pay the rest the day of the procedure.” Lou flinched as she heard the cost. It would take almost all of the money she had left from what Charlotte had given her. She reached into her bag and pulled out the full amount. “I’d rather pay the full amount now if you don’t mind.” The doctor nodded then went over to the cabinet, pulling out a small packet. “Take this as soon as you wake up that morning. It’ll help you relax for the procedure. If that’s all then, I’ll see you in a few days.” Lou nodded as he and the midwife left the room. She looked down at the packet in her hand again realizing what this meant. She knew the midwife was right, there were other choices, but right now, this seemed the best one for her. One Week Later “Doc, come quick!” The midwife said running in to the exam room. “It’s Mary. She started bleeding heavily last night and we can’t get it to stop. It doesn’t look good.” ~~ ** ~~ “I mean it Lou! I can’t stand to be near you right now. Leave me alone before I do or say something that can’t be taken back.” "Kid, I had no idea that something like that would happen. If I did..." "That's the problem, Lou. You're the same now as you were then. You do what ever you want, consequences be damned! You didn't think how it would affect you in the future. You cared for nobody but yourself." When he saw her still sitting there, he walked back towards her and knelt to her level. “Just go! Get out of here!” Lou saw the rage in his now ice cold eyes. She’d seen that look too many times in her life – first by her father, and then the night Wicks attacked her. Lou immediately got up, and wobbled when she became instantly lightheaded. When Kid reached out by force of habit to steady her, she misunderstood what he was trying to do, and was scared he would hit her. She pushed him away as hard as she could and ran back towards town. As soon as he reached out to steady her, Kid realized he’d made a mistake. She must have thought he was going to hurt her. No matter what she had done; in her past, her present, or her future, he would never physically hurt her. And after they had decided to make a go of things again, he had never planned on hurting her emotionally as well. Upset for the moment more at himself, he turned and hit a tree he was near. His mind so clouded by his emotions, he didn’t even notice the blood. ~~ Part 3 ~~ Jimmy returned from his run and was lying on his bunk resting when the door flew open and Lou entered crying. He was still thinking about Red Sky’s death and was not in the mood for another one of Kid and Lou’s childish fights. “You ok, Lou?” he called from across the room. When she didn’t answer he crossed over to her bunk and placed his hand on her shoulder. She recoiled at his touch but after a few moments she turned to face him. “I’m sorry, Jimmy. I didn’t know anyone was here,” she said as she tried wiping the tears from her face, but it seemed the more she wiped away, the more that fell. “Did you and Kid fight again?” Lou nodded. “Ah Lou, you two will kiss and make up like always.” “Not this time. I finally broke down and tried to tell him about my past, all of it... All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. Instead he got so angry and told me to leave.” Jimmy was shocked. Everyone wondered what Lou was hiding from her past. She was even more secretive about her past than Kid was with his. Something bad must have happened while he was gone to make her finally tell Kid, and he couldn’t even imagine what she might have done to set Kid off. He’d never seen Lou this upset, not even on their trip to Seneca after Kid had started courting Samantha. “Ah Lou, I’m sorry,” he said pushing the hair out of her eyes. “Just give him some time, he’ll come around.” Lou shook her head and realized she was about to be sick. She barely made it out of the bunkhouse and off the porch before she started retching uncontrollably. Torn between staying and comforting Lou and killing the man who put her in this state, Jimmy went to find Rachel. He met her as she was coming home from the schoolhouse. “Rachel!” “Jimmy, you’re back. We were startin’ to get worried. Is everything ok?” Jimmy shook his head. “Kid and Lou had a fight. I’ve never seen her like this. Would you go check on her? I’m going to find Kid.” Rachel immediately became alarmed and picked up her pace. “Where is she?” They raced back to the bunkhouse to find Lou sitting on the porch hugging her knees and rocking back and forth. Rachel sat beside her and pulled her into her arms. “Oh honey.” “I’ve lost him for good this time, Rachel. Kid hates me. I can’t stay here anymore. Not if he can’t even stand to look at me.” “Louise darlin’, I’m sure it can’t be that bad, I’m sure what ever it is, you two can work it out.” Lou shook her head so hard she made herself sick again. Rachel just shook her head as she rubbed the young woman’s back. She looked up at Jimmy and sighed. Seeing Lou so distraught, Jimmy ran to the barn to saddle his horse. He didn’t know what had happened, but this time Kid had gone too far, and he was going to make sure that Kid had hurt her for the last time. When Rachel had finally calmed Lou down enough to drink some chamomile tea, she sent her off to rest in the guest room. She had tried to find out what happened, but every time Lou started talking, she would get violently ill again, so Rachel let her know that when Lou was ready to talk, she would be there to listen. A little while later, Teaspoon returned from his office and immediately went to find Rachel. “I saw Jimmy ride by in town, faster than a bat outta hell. What’s goin’ on? He looked hell bent on killin’ someone.” Rachel nodded. “That would be Kid. He and Lou got in to it somethin’ awful, Teaspoon. She wants to transfer to another station,” she said walking out on to the porch handing him a cup of coffee. “But she’ll be miserable if she goes somewhere else.” “Did she tell you what they fought about? I just don’t see him gettin’ that angry over the rape. She didn’t ask for it to happen to her, no woman ever asks for somethin’ like that. There has to be more to what happened between her and Kid then she’s tellin’.” Rachel nodded. She had tried to pry more details during their conversation, but Lou refused to add any more information. “Maybe she’s scared to tell us because of the way Kid reacted.” “That could be it, but she ain’t tellin’ and we might never know.” “I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m startin’ to worry about Kid. Jimmy left over two hours ago to find him.” “If they ain’t back by supper, I’ll go after them. Maybe Jimmy will knock some sense into that strong southern skull of his.” Rachel chuckled even though she knew the seriousness of the situation. “Or kill him.” She turned to face Teaspoon. “I’ve never seen Jimmy that worried before, especially when it comes to Lou.” “Well he’s never seen Lou that upset before. All he knows is Kid’s done her wrong again, and Jimmy’s gettin’ sick of gettin’ caught in the middle.” “Teaspoon, are you really going to let her transfer to another station?” Teaspoon shook his head. “Don’t sees how I have a choice. If I don’t she’ll quit and leave us anyway. I know she has a run comin’ up to St. Joe so I’m gonna give her some days off to clear her head before she makes any major decisions. I’m hopin’ by then Kid will have come to his senses.” “Do you think it’s a good idea sendin’ her back to the place where it all happened?” Teaspoon nodded his head. “If I had known about all of this before, I woulda made sure she never made those runs. From what I been told, Wicks was a very powerful man in that town. How she went there all those times without him knowin’ I’ll never know.” “I’m sure dressin’ as a boy helped. But she had to have been scared and worried each time she rode in.” Teaspoon shook his head, “I always knew she was tough, but thinkin’ bout all she went through, just breaks my heart. Most gals that age are dreamin’ of a future full of love and children. Yet here she was on her own just fightin’ to survive and provide for her brother and sister.” “Teaspoon, what are we gonna do?” “I wish I knew, Rachel. I wish ta hell I knew.” ~~ Part 4 ~~ Jimmy rode Sundance off towards the creek hoping to find Kid there. Kid was walking away from him and when Jimmy got close enough he jumped off and on to Kid, knocking him down while slamming his fists into his best friend. “You bastard!” Jimmy spat as he turned Kid over and punched him in the jaw. Kid struggled to breathe as he tried to fight Jimmy off. “I should have known she’d go runnin’ to you.” Jimmy grabbed Kid by the collar of his shirt and was tempted to bash his head into the ground. Instead he gave him a good shake. “She didn’t come runnin’ to me; she came runnin’ to the bunkhouse, where I was tryin’ to get some rest. Then she made herself sick as a dog and all because you’re too stupid to see how much she needs you. I don’t know why she even bothers. Ain’t she had enough pain in her life without you addin’ to it?” Jimmy hit Kid again with a right cross and then kneed him in the stomach. Kid struggled until Jimmy finally let him sit up. Kid was still furious but had stopped trying to fight him off. “So you know then? You know she was raped? You know she got pregnant and then ended it like she was nothin’ better than a two-bit whore?” Jimmy drew his Navy Colt and aimed it at the chest of the man he considered a brother. “What did you call her?” As the emotions passed over Jimmy’s face, Kid realized that Lou hadn’t said anything about her past to him. “Kid, what are you talkin’ about? Lou would never...” “That’s what I thought,” Kid said shaking his head. “But she sat right over there and told me how she was scared and alone and it seemed like the perfect solution.” Jimmy holstered his gun and stood up. He just couldn’t see the Lou he knew doing something like that. He ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “Kid, back up. All Lou told me was you two had had a fight and you forced her to leave.” “Damn it Jimmy, I already said too much.” “Then you better stop talkin’ and get back to the station. Let her finish tellin’ ya what ever she was gonna say.” Kid shook his head. “I can’t. That one statement made me realize I have no idea who she really is. She ain’t the person I fell in love with. Jimmy, if I go back now, I may say or do something I’ll regret.” “You haven’t already? Damn it Kid, I ain’t never seen Lou that upset. Not when you two broke up, not when you started courtin’ Samantha, not when Elias was hanged, not even when Ike died. I don’t know what happened while I was gone, but she trusted you enough to you about her past, and all you can think is that she’s a two-bit whore?” “Well that’s what they do don’t they?” “She was raped for God sakes! She was what sixteen? Seventeen?” “Thirteen. Barely fourteen when she found out she was pregnant,” Kid mumbled. Jimmy couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He rubbed his hands over his face as if to try and wake him from a bad dream. He wanted to hit Kid again, but knew it wouldn’t solve anything. “I should’ve shot you when I had the chance, but you ain’t worth hangin’ for.” Kid grunted his agreement. “Kid,” Jimmy said as he sat back down. “Tell me what happened. Start at the beginning.” “Maybe I shouldn’t. Lou might not...” “The horse is already outta the barn, Kid. No sense locking the door now.” Kid took a deep breath. “It all started a few days ago when a lady named Charlotte came callin’ for Lou...” By the time Kid had finished, Jimmy was fighting back tears. He could never have imagined what Lou had been through, but things started to make sense. Her reluctance at first to become close with the others, her inability to trust those that cared for her and her instinct to survive on her own. But something still didn’t sit right with him. “Kid, somethin’ just ain’t right here. What are you upset about the most? The fact she hadn’t told you till now or the fact that you think she did something none of us would ever imagine her doing, no matter what the circumstances were?” “Both I guess,” Kid said as he fidgeted with some rocks. “If Charlotte hadn’t shown up, I wonder if she’d ever have told me.” “Did you ask her?” “Of course I asked her!” Kid threw a rock into the creek. “She hesitated before she said she would have. I’m just not sure what to think.” “Kid, we’ve all done things we ain’t proud of in our past. You had to know Lou ain’t any different. I know there are things you haven’t told her about your past, am I right? Or does she know the one secret we all want to know?” “My secrets are nothin’ as bad as that.” “Kid, let’s take this one step at a time. What if Lou had told you about the rape sooner?” “What do you mean?” “What if she told you before you two started uh... dancin’? Would it have made any difference to you? I didn’t think you were shallow enough to get upset because she wasn’t as innocent as you would’ve liked.” Kid shook his head. “I’m not and it’s not that either, Jimmy. You know me than better than that. But we rushed in to things to soon. Look where it led us.” Jimmy chuckled. “Kid, you weren’t the only one rushin’ things. We all knew it was just a matter of time. The way you two were lookin’ at each other, stealin’ kisses, and those innocent touches when you guys thought no one was watchin’. And that was before we saw her dressed as a saloon girl in Willow Creek. I’m tellin’ ya Kid, when she came up to me that night at the bar I had a hard time rememberin’ she was your girl. I’m sure Buck felt the same. None of us had ever seen Lou lookin’ like that.” “Which doesn’t make any sense Jimmy. She never acted like something like that had happened to her. She put herself in a situation where it could’ve easily happened again.” “But it didn’t. And she was willin’ to put herself in that position to save you and all because she loved you. As for the dancin’, maybe it was because she loved you that she trusted it would be different with you. I know it was your first time...” “That ain’t none of your business,” Kid said growing defensive, his cheeks turning red. Jimmy shook his head and smiled. “It was when you came askin’ me for advice. Look Kid, it’s nothin’ to be ashamed of. It was special for you because your first time was with someone you loved. Well in a way, it was a first time for Lou.” “What are you talkin’ about?” “What Wicks did to her was nothing but a violent act. You showed her that when it was with someone you loved, it could be a beautiful thing. Maybe she needed that more than anything else.” Kid thought back to their first time together. Afterwards she had cried and seemed somewhat distant. At the time he thought she was having regrets, now as his anger resurfaced, he wondered if she hadn’t been thinking of Wicks. “Damn it Jimmy! This ain’t helpin’.” “Why not?” “’Cause now I wonder if she ain’t been thinkin’ of him when we were together. It makes me angry; this power he’s had over her all this time. I shoulda killed him when I had the chance. If I had known I would’ve the minute I knew who he was.” “Good. Get angry. Get as angry as you want, but you’ll do it here. And whether you’re angry with her or at the situation, you’ve hurt Lou enough. You two need to work this out, but I ain’t gonna let you anywhere near her until you ain’t angry anymore. Now, let’s talk about the other part now. I know it goes against your southern beliefs Kid, but think about it.” “Of course it does. She killed an innocent life damn it!” “I ain’t sayin’ it’s right either, but it couldn’t have been an easy thing for her to do either. I remember when I killed that lady in Benton. I...” “That ain’t the same. It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t mean to.” “You think that makes it easier for me to live with? You think I don’t see her face when I close my eyes at night? That I don’t have a constant reminder of what I did?” “Lou said something similar about the baby. That she was carryin’ a constant reminder of the worst night of her life.” “She was only fourteen and she’d already been on her own over a year at that point. The only family she had left was at an orphanage so they would have a chance at a better life. When you were fourteen you still had a home and your family. She had nothing.” “Even knowing all this now, can you imagine your life without Lou in it?” Kid shook his head. “If she’d had the baby, that’s what would have happened.” Kid nodded. What Jimmy was saying made sense in his brain, but his heart was having a hard time accepting it. And he hadn’t even told Jimmy the part that hurt him the most. “There’s more.” “I doubt it can be much worse than what you’ve already told me,” Jimmy said. He wasn’t sure if he could handle anything else. “Jimmy, there were complications afterwards. She almost died. Now we can’t… she can’t have children.” Jimmy looked surprised. “She went to a quack?” Kid nodded, “I think so. She was so scared she didn’t even give them her real name. He wouldn’t even give her something to calm her down when she had the initial exam. And the day she had it done, he did give her something, but it didn’t work. She was aware of everything that was going on and what he was doin’. He didn’t seem to care, just wanted her money and move on to the next patient. As she sat there she was tellin’ me everything that happened I could just see her screamin’ in agony.” Jimmy had a hard time imagining the Lou who knew ever showing fear, but knew that even the Lou he knew now was not the same Lou from back then. “So now your dreams of havin’ a family with her are shattered, am I right?” Kid nodded. “Kid, if none of that had happened to her, and no matter how hard you tried, she still couldn’t give you the children you wanted so badly, would you love her any less?” “But this is different. She not only killed her first child, but she killed the family we could’ve had. It makes me wonder if things had been different, and I had gotten her pregnant when she thought I did, would she have done the same thing?” “Kid, you know her better than that. Wait, what do you mean when she thought you did? When?” “It was after we got back together.” Jimmy looked confused. As far as everyone knew Kid and Lou weren’t dancing this time around because they weren’t always sneaking off to be with each other. “But I thought you two had decided…” Kid nodded. “It was one time. We just got caught up in the moment and things went too far. She saw the doc in St. Joe’s and he told her she couldn’t have children. There was too much damage from the abortion. I can’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me.” “Kid, we all know you would have done the honorable thing and married her the moment you even suspected anything. Hell Kid, you proposed to her because you never felt right about doin’ what you guys were doin’. Maybe she thought you would feel forced into marryin’ her.” “Jimmy, she wouldn’t have been forcin’ me. I loved her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life makin’ up all my stupid mistakes to her. But now… Now I don’t know if I can be with her knowin’ that she could keep that from me or there was a possibility she could’ve done the same thing with my child.” “Kid, you don’t know for sure you would’ve had kids if this hadn’t have happened. And it could be just as much your fault as it is hers.” “But that’s different Jimmy, I coulda accepted that. But she caused this herself. It’s her fault she killed the chance we could’ve had to have a family.” “I understand you’re upset, and I know how much family means to you, but there are different types of families out there. Each family is different, and that’s what makes them special. A family doesn’t mean a husband, wife and kids.” “I know that,” Kid snapped. “Do you? Look at yourself, hell look at most of us. Me, you, Lou… we were all beaten or watched as our ma’s was beaten by our pa’s. Buck never knew his pa, and the only family his ma ever knew shunned him because he was a half-breed. And what about Teresa and Jeremiah?” “What about them?” “Weren’t you plannin’ on havin’ them come live with you two after you got married?” Kid nodded. “You were willin’ to help Lou raise them as if they were your brother and sister as well. You were gonna make them part of your family. And there are more kids out there in orphanages that need a home just like Teresa and Jeremiah. You could adopt those kids and give them a chance at a life they might never have had otherwise.” “Is there a point to this?” Kid was getting frustrated. Jimmy was starting to sound more and more like Teaspoon. “Yes there’s a point. Over a year ago, the six of us were thrown together all tryin’ to prove ourselves, to be better than the other. Within a coupla weeks, we became a family. Always watchin’ out for one another, willin’ to lay down our life to save any of us. We became a family, we became brothers and Lou became our sister. Just ‘cause we don’t have the same blood runnin’ through our veins, don’t mean we’re any less a family.” “I know all that Jimmy, but it ain’t the same.” “Kid, do you love her?” “I did… Yeah, I mean I guess I still do, I just don’t know.” “Remember how miserable you two were when you broke up?” Kid nodded. “Can you honestly go through that again? She gave you a second chance then, when in my opinion, you sure as hell didn’t deserve it. She may have been the one who ended it, but the way you flaunted your relationship with Samantha broke her heart. She was so hurt by your actions, I never thought she’d talk to you again, let alone want to take you back. But she did.” “But how can I move past this, Jimmy? I don’t wanna imagine my life without her, but I don’t know if I can live with what she’s done.” “Talk to her, Kid. Tell her how you feel, and make sure, really make sure that she knows that you don’t care what she did in the past, as long as she’s in your future.” Kid nodded as Jimmy’s words sank in. Deep in his heart he knew that he did love Lou more than anything, even with all she’s done. It had made her who she was; the woman he fell in love with. “Well looks like the boys owe me some money,” Teaspoon said as he approached Kid and Jimmy. “They figured one of you would be dead or seriously wounded by now. And by the looks of Kids’ face, you came pretty close.” Jimmy nodded his head. “Don’t think I ain’t thought about it. Is Lou feelin’ better?” “No, she’s seriously mad at Kid here, and won’t tell me or Rachel why. Son, you want to explain what you said to set her off? You know she’s wantin’ to leave.” It was more of a statement than a question. Kid looked up at Teaspoon as his words started to sink in. A few hours ago he was so upset, he didn’t care what she did, but after talking to Jimmy, he was beginning to realize that no matter what she had done, he still loved her. “Damn it Teaspoon, you can’t let her leave.” Jimmy said glaring at Kid. “She’ll be miserable anywhere else, no matter what Kid’s done to her.” “I know that and you know that, but right now, she’s in too much pain to know that. Kid, you ain’t answered my question. Why is she so upset?” “Kid let his temper get the better of him when all she wanted was his comfort.” “Back off, Jimmy!” It was bad enough he had told Jimmy what Lou had gone through, he wasn’t about to tell Teaspoon anything he didn’t already know. Teaspoon looked at the two boys. The thought of the woman they both loved leaving was tearing them apart inside. Lou wasn’t going to be happy when she learned Jimmy now knew what she’d hidden for so long, but maybe she could turn to him for the comfort she had sought from Kid. Kid stood and stretched his body. He hadn’t noticed how late it had gotten and now the sun was setting. “Guess we better get back,” he said starting to walk away. Teaspoon placed his hand on the boys’ shoulder to stop him. “You ain’t goin’ anywhere till we talk. Jimmy,” he said turning to the other rider, “tell Rachel he’s fine and go finish up your chores.” Jimmy mounted Sundance and nodded before riding away. Teaspoon turned back towards Kid and sat down. “It ain’t the sweat lodge, but it’ll do even if we have to sit here talkin’ all night.” ~~ Part 5 ~~ Lou woke up dazed and confused. She was in a soft bed instead of her usual hard bunk and it was dark outside. As her eyes adjusted to the little bit of light coming from the lone lantern lit in the room, she realized she was in the guest room at Rachel’s, and the memory of her argument with Kid earlier came back. “I thought I heard some stirrin’,” Rachel said quietly opening the door and looking in on Lou. “Feelin’ any better?” She crossed over to the dresser and turned the lantern higher. Lou shook her head. “How long have I been asleep?” “Long enough to get some much needed rest. With all that’s happened in the past few days, I’m surprised you haven’t collapsed sooner. I brought you some supper if you’re feelin’ up to eatin.” “Kid?” Lou asked cautiously. Rachel placed the tray in front of Lou and sat down on the side of the bed beside her. “Jimmy came back about an hour ago. Kid is with Teaspoon, and Teaspoon ain’t gonna let him come home till he’s in a better mood.” “Rachel, what am I going to do? I never seen Kid so angry. For a moment I thought he might hit me.” “Kid would never do that, he loves you too much.” “I thought so too, but not anymore. He can’t even look at me. I should never have told him everything.” “So there is more than what Teaspoon and I know?” Lou nodded as she nibbled on a piece of bread. “I thought so. Is that why he got so angry? Was it something you did?” “That and I think because I didn’t tell him about the rape sooner. I couldn’t Rachel. I thought the more I didn’t think about it, the more I could make it go away. And the rest of it… I know I shoulda told him sooner, but the one thing I feared from him was pity… I never thought he would look at me like I was a whore.” “Do you want to talk about it? It might help.” Lou shook her head. “I don’t think I can go through that again. I know you wouldn’t care what I’ve done in my past, but I’ve already had to face one rejection, I’m just not ready to take that chance again.” “Well when you’re ready, you know where to find me. And don’t worry about Kid, the two of you will get through this like you’ve gotten through everything else.” “I don’t know, Rachel. All it took was one statement to take away all the dreams Kid had for our future. I guess if I were him, I wouldn’t want me either. I survived loosin’ him once; I guess I’ll just have to survive it again. I just don’t want to do it here though. I can’t continue to be near him if all he thinks is that I’m no better than a common whore.” Both women heard a knock come from downstairs. Rachel stood up. “I’ll go see who that is. If it’s Kid?” Lou shook her head. She tried eating some more of the food, but found she just wasn’t hungry. A few minutes later, Jimmy knocked softly on the door before entering. “You ok, Lou?” Lou took one look at Jimmy and grew furious. “He told you? What right did he have?” Jimmy shook his head. “He didn’t mean to Lou, he just let it slip. He thought you told me.” Lou was furious yet relieved at the same time. She knew Jimmy wouldn’t judge her; he would be there to comfort her as he always had. But she couldn’t believe Kid would betray her trust. Rachel had said he was talking to Teaspoon, and if the stationmaster found out everything, she might as well look for another job. “That don’t give him the right to tell. Damn it, I knew I should never have said anything. Why did Charlotte have to come and ruin things? Everything was beginnin’ to be perfect with us again.” Jimmy shook his head, “No Lou, they weren’t. You just wanted to think that.” Jimmy crossed the room and sat in the chair by the window. He’d prefer to sit next to her on the bed and hold her while she cried herself out, but under the circumstances, he knew it would be better to sit as far away from her as possible. “He had the right to know when you suspected you might be carryin’ his child. We both knew what he would’ve done, but it wasn’t right keepin’ it from him.” Lou nodded. “I know, but I wanted to know for sure. Then when the doc told me I couldn’t have children… There was just never a right time to tell him before. Then Charlotte and Wicks showed up. If they hadn’t…” “Lou, I’m not pickin’ sides here, I can understand you not wantin’ to tell him about when you thought he had gotten you pregnant until you knew,” Jimmy flinched as he saw the fury in her eyes. “But I think he had the right to know about it after and also about the rape. He thought he was your first and knowin’ now that you weren’t… Maybe if circumstances were different, if it had been someone you loved...” “But he was my first; the first person that I loved and that I wanted to be with. After what Wicks did… I couldn’t even handle lettin’ the doctors touch me.” “Maybe now that Wicks is dead you two can put this behind you and move on with your lives.” “But things ain’t gonna be the same. Jimmy, I thought he was going to hit me. I’ve only been that scared one other time in my life.” She shook her head. “Even if he could forgive me, I don’t think I could forgive him for that.” “But he didn’t hit you Lou. If he had, you’d be in here cryin’ because you killed him.” Lou chuckled and nodded. “See, it can’t be that bad if you can smile.” “But he wouldn’t let me finish. He got so mad at me…” She looked into his eyes and Jimmy saw the fear she still had. “With Kid I always felt safe. He made me understand what it was like to be loved. In that one instant he destroyed all of that. I can’t stay here. I’ve asked Teaspoon to be transferred to another station.” Jimmy nodded. “I know. And it’s tearing Kid up inside.” Lou tried holding back the tears. “Why if he hates me so much?” she asked with uncertainty in her voice. Her smile faded and Jimmy could tell she was trying not to cry again. Jimmy shook his head. “I don’t think he could ever hate you. He’s just angry and confused. I think it was just too much for him to take at once. Of all the things he ever suspected, that never entered his mind. I don’t think any of us could ever imagine what you’ve been through. I knew you were tough, but until Kid told me, I didn’t realize just how tough you really were.” “You don’t think any less of me for what I did?” Jimmy shook his head. “You did what you had to do at the time. You were young, scared and alone. If you felt you had no other choice, then I could never hate you.” Lou tried to smile as she yawned. “What am I going to do now, Jimmy?” Jimmy stood. “Well it looks like you can use some more sleep. Talk to Kid in the mornin’. If you still…” He noticed she had fallen asleep, and removed the tray from the bed placing it on the floor. He pulled the blanket up around her and brushed the hair out of her face before kissing her lightly on the forehead. He hated to see her suffer, and wished more than anything Kid would soon realize how lucky of a man he was to have someone as special as Lou; no matter what she’d done in her life to survive. ~~ Part 6 ~~ Kid woke the next morning and realized Lou never came back to the bunkhouse. After he and Teaspoon returned, he tossed and turned waiting for her to return and thinking of what to say when she did. He quickly dressed and went to the barn to see if she’d left for her morning run yet. He was relieved to see her preparing Lightning for the trip. Lou looked up from tightening the cinch and saw Kid walking towards her. She saw his right eye swollen and black and his split lip and felt a twinge of happiness at the proof that Jimmy would still defend her honor even after what she had done. But she was still angry and had been hoping to leave on her run before seeing Kid. She wasn’t sure what to expect from him now, but she didn’t want to face his accusing looks in person. It was bad enough that after Jimmy had left last night, Lou couldn’t keep the look on Kid’s face from haunting her dreams. “What do you want, Kid?” she said abruptly. Kid placed his hand over hers as she checked the length of her stirrups. He knew as well as she did that she always had them at the right length. “I was hopin’ we could talk.” Lou pulled her hand away and looked at him. His eyes showed the concerned love that usually shone in the blue pools, and the memories of their playfulness the last time they were in the barn alone together flashed through her mind. She turned away so she wouldn’t have to look at him and be even more confused than she was. “I have a run.” “Can’t you get someone else to take it?” Lou took a deep breath trying not to get angry. How dare he act sweet after the things he said to me, she thought. “No Kid, I have a job to do around here. After I make my run Teaspoon’s given me some time off and I’m takin’ it.” She led Lightning outside to wait for the incoming rider. Kid followed her. “Lou, please,” he said almost begging. “I don’t want you leavin’ with things like this between us.” “You should have thought about that yesterday.” “I should have thought about a lot of things yesterday, Lou. Please, stay and talk with me. We can work through this. We just need to talk some more.” “I can’t, Kid. Things were said and done yesterday that we both need to take some time and think about.” “I don’t want time I want to work through this. Look, maybe I can get Teaspoon to let me have some time off too. We can go somewhere and finish talkin’.” Both riders heard the “Rider Comin’!” call from Rachel who was bringing breakfast to the bunkhouse. “Not this time,” Lou said as she mounted and spurred Lightning into a gallop. She didn’t look back at Kid, as she usually did, as she was passed the mochilla and took off. “I love you, Lou. Ride safe.” Kid called out to her as he hung his head and headed towards the bunkhouse. “Did you expect her to act any different, Kid?” Rachel said as she met him on the porch. “I guess not, I just don’t like her ridin’ off when she’s mad. Rachel, what am I gonna do?” “Wait till she calms down and be thankful I don’t break that chair over your head for bein’ such an ass.” After breakfast, Kid went to Teaspoon before he left for the Marshall’s office. “Teaspoon, I need some time off.” Teaspoon shook his head. “I ain’t tellin’ ya where she is, Kid.” “You don’t need to. Even if the run wasn’t to where you said it was, I know where she’ll go for her time off.” “Kid, give her a chance to cool down. You told me ya’self that there were things neither of you are tellin’ me, but with as upset as she was, givin’ her space right now may be the thing that gets her to stay.” “But I need to talk to her, to apologize…” “Kid I said no! Look, I know you do, from what you said, you told her some horrible things, but right now, she just needs time away from you. And how do I know you ain’t gonna go off and say something else stupid?” “Teaspoon,” Kid pleaded. “No. If you go after her Kid, then she’ll have no reason to leave us, because you ain’t gonna be workin’ here anymore, and that’s final.” Kid watched as Teaspoon walked away knowing he was right. ~~ Part 7 ~~ Lou passed the mochilla off in St Joe and then headed towards town. She’d been to St. Joe several times since she started working for the Express, but this time it was different. Before, she’d always been on her guard, stayed away from that part of town, avoided making eye contact with anyone who may have been in the town all those years ago. Now she had no reason to; Wicks was dead, never to come after her and ruin the life she’d tried to hide for so long. Of course with Kids’ reaction, that life was over anyway, but it was by her own choice, not Wicks’. He no longer had any control over her. After checking in to her room, she ordered a hot bath to be brought up and made arrangements for her dinner to be brought up even later. Wishing she had brought more change of clothes and supplies, she sat on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands. She had been so distraught because of the events with Kid that morning that she refused to even go in to the bunkhouse for her things, choosing to take her spare roll she kept in the barn. Now she knew she have to go shopping. After her bath and meal, she was too tired to go shopping. Deciding it could wait until morning, she searched her pack for something to sleep in. She nearly broke down when she pulled out the nightgown she had worn on their special trip together to Redfern. There was also the dress Kid had bought her the next day so they could go to the dance in town that night. That perfect weekend seemed like a lifetime ago and she wondered if she decided to stay in Rock Creek, if they could somehow get past this as they had every other bump in their relationship. She knew when she told Kid, that there was a chance she’d lose him for good this time, but the things he had said and done would be hard to forget, even if he was willing to give her another chance. In her heart, she knew even in his worst anger, he would never physically hurt her. She had over reacted at the time, but that one split second made her trust in him shatter. Trust? She thought. Of course you can’t trust him anymore. You bared your soul to him, and yet what about his secrets? Doesn’t he trust you enough to even tell you his real name? Lou knew that wasn’t fair. She knew Kid must have his reasons for keeping his name from her, and he’d bared his soul more times than she had, but sometimes it hurt not to know who he really was. Throwing the clothes away, she crawled in to bed. Before crying herself to sleep, she decided since she had the time off, it would be good to spend some time with Jeremiah and Teresa. As close to the orphanage as she was now she still didn’t get to see them as much as she liked. When she did get a chance, Kid would always come with her. Right now more than anything, Lou just wanted to be alone with her brother and sister and to feel their unconditional love. ~~ ** ~~ Lou woke up the next morning feeling a little bit better. Deciding to spend as much time with her siblings as possible, Lou picked up the dress she had tossed away the night before and decided to wear it instead of going shopping. As she slipped it over her head, she realized it still smelled like Kid and memories of their weekend came flooding back. Kid had been so excited to take her to the dance in town the night after they made love that he snuck out and had bought the dress while she was still asleep. She smiled as she remembered him describing her size to the clerk. Realizing if she dwelled on what had been and what could’ve been, she’d never see her brother and sister; she placed her gun in the desk drawer and headed out on her walk to the orphanage. ~~ ** ~~ “Louise!” Teresa said running out from the main gates of the orphanage when she saw her sister approach. “We didn’t know you were comin’.” Lou walked faster and hugged her sister tightly when they met. “How’d ya know it was me?” “I recognize your walk anywhere. You still walk like a boy, even when you’re in a dress. I missed you.” Lou chuckled as she realized her sister was right. But old habits died hard and she couldn’t help it. “I missed you guys too. Where’s Jeremiah?” “He had to stay behind after lessons for puttin’ a lizard on some girls’ desk. Why are boys so stupid?” Lou chuckled and pulled on Teresa’s pigtails. “Sometimes, boys do stupid things like that because they like the girl.” “Did Kid ever do anything like that to you? And where is Kid? Couldn’t he come with you?” Lou sighed wondering how long it would be before they asked about why he wasn’t with her. Her brother and sister loved him like he was their older brother, and couldn’t wait until they could come live with them when they got married. “Not this time sweetie. Let’s go see if we can spring your brother out of his trouble and spend the day together.” An hour later, Lou and her siblings were sitting by the stream near the orphanage enjoying the unseasonably warm late autumn day. She listened as they chatted about events that had happened since their last visit together. “Remember your old roommate Hannah?” Jeremiah asked as he nibbled some crackers from the basket Mother Superior had urged them to take along on their stroll. Lou nodded. Teresa started bouncing up and down like she usually did when she got overly excited. “She came back a coupla weeks ago to see everyone.” “Really?” Lou asked. She’d often wondered what had happened to some of her friends that she had spent so much time with when she left at the orphanage. Jeremiah nodded. “She got married and had a baby. She brought him by so the nun’s could see how her life had turned out.” “He was so cute!” Teresa exclaimed. “I gotta hold him and everything. When you and Kid get married, are you gonna make babies?” “Of course they are, stupid that’s what married people do.” “Jeremiah!” Lou snapped as she noticed her younger sisters’ lips start to tremble. “You know better than to call anyone stupid. Apologize to her.” “I’m sorry, Teresa. I didn’t mean to call you stupid.” He looked over at his older sister and noticed she was trying not to cry. “Don’t get upset, Lou. I didn’t mean it. Really… She’s ain’t stupid, I know that.” Lou shook her head as she put her hand on his shoulder. “It’s not that.” She never thought she would have to tell them what had happened to her, and she debated about just how much to tell them. At eleven, Jeremiah might be old enough to understand things that she had gone through but at nine, Lou still considered Teresa too innocent and naïve to know about things like that. “Then what’s wrong? Did Kid hurt you?” Jeremiah asked, sounding defensive. He had always considered himself the man of the family, even when he was very young, he would do anything to protect his sisters. Not in the way you think, she thought. She shook her head. “No, Jeremiah. I’ve told you many times, Kid is nothin’ like our father and he would never physically hurt me. Remember when I left here?” Both children nodded. “Well, I wasn’t much older than you are now, and not too long after I left here, I got really sick.” “Did you almost die?” her brother asked worried. She nodded. “But the doctors were able to fix me up. But I had gotten so sick that I won’t be able to have kids.” “Does that mean Kid won’t marry you some day?” Teresa asked concerned. “I don’t know. We had a fight a few days ago, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen between us. But no matter what, I’m still gonna get you guys out of here real soon. I have enough money saved up now I just have to find us a place to live.” Teresa slid closer to her sister and rested her head on her shoulder and wrapped her arms around her waist. “It’s okay Louise. We can be like your kids since you’ve always been like our momma.” Lou’s heart melted and the tears she’d been fighting began to fall as Jeremiah joined his sisters in their hug. No matter what happened in the future with her and Kid, she had all the family she needed right there in her arms. ~~ Part 8 ~~ As much as Lou loved her siblings, she was exhausted by the time she returned to the hotel. Teresa’s questions and Jeremiah’s reaction to the news of her and Kid breaking up, took their toll on her. Entering her hotel, Lou passed by the front desk. The hotel clerk was not as his post; Lou decided that she was too tired to wait for his return to request he send up a bath later. All she wanted was to topple into her bed anyway. She trudged down the hall, opened the door to her first floor room with her key, and went in without bothering to light a lamp. She felt her way in the darkened room toward the bed, while loosening a few buttons on her dress. But when she sat down on the bed to take off her shoes, she was shocked to find herself literally on top of a male intruder who had been lying in wait on the bed. Shrieking, she leapt off the bed even as the man sat up and reached for her. Acting quickly, Lou grabbed the chair that was next to the bed and smashed the intruder back against the bed with all the force she had. The fear that this man intended to do what Wicks had done, lent her added strength and rage, and she continued hitting him to keep him subdued, all the while screaming for help, hoping desperately that the clerk had returned to his desk and would hear her. “What the hell?” the lump yelled and tried sitting up. “Lou, stop! It’s me!” Lou stopped hitting as she recognized the voice. “Kid?” She put the chair back against the wall, not noticing that one of the legs was broken and the chair wobbled on the three remaining legs. “Yeah Lou, it’s me.” Lou’s anger at him resurfaced and she began pounding him again, only half-heartedly and this time on his chest with her hands. “What are you doing here? I told you not to come after me! I needed to be away from you! And why the hell are you in my bed? No matter what you may think of me now, I've never been and never will be anyone's whore, including yours!” He tried defending himself with his arms as he listened to her yell at him, but he had no such luck. “Lou, please stop. This ain’t fair. You know I ain’t gonna fight ya back. You’re really startin’ to hurt me, and you know I ain’t gonna hit you.” “Yeah?” Lou gave in to his pleas and stood there waiting for him to get up and move. “Well a few days ago, I wasn’t so sure about that.” She looked at his shape silhouetted by the light from the moon coming through the window. “I guess I deserve that. I just wanna talk, please?” Lou nodded and went to turn the lantern on. His breath caught as he saw what she was wearing. “You’re wearin’ the dress I bought you.” “It was the only thing I had to wear, and I didn’t feel like goin’ shopping. I wanted to spend more time with Teresa and Jeremiah. What are you doin' in my bed?” As Kid started to answer, they were interrupted by a knock on the door. “Mrs. McCloud, is everything alright in there?” Lou crossed to the door and opened it to find a worried desk clerk standing on the other side. “Everything is fine, thank you.” “I was worried when I heard you yellin’. I hope you didn’t mind that I let your husband in, he said he came to surprise you.” Lou jerked her head and furiously looked at Kid. “Husband?” “Yes ma’am,” the clerk answered. “I seen the two of you here together many times, so I figured it would be alright. Congratulations on your marriage. If you need anything else, just let me know.” Lou nodded and slammed the door shut. She crossed back towards the bed ready to pick up the chair again. “Husband? You’ve gotta lot nerve! How dare you!” “It was the only way I could get him to let me in.” “After the other day, you think you can just waltz in here, say you’re my husband, and lie on my bed expecting everything to be alright? And you still haven’t answered why you’re in my bed!” "I sat on the bed waitin' for you and I guess I fell asleep." He reached behind him, searching for something. Finding what he was looking for, he stood and handed them to her. "These are for you." "Flowers? You think you can just come here expectin' everything to be okay after what happened?" She threw the flowers across the room and sat on the bed. Kid went to sit down in the chair and fell off as it leaned under his weight. Lou tried hard not to laugh but couldn’t help it. He got up and sat next to her on the bed and sighed as she stopped laughing and slid further away from him. "Lou, I came here because I don't like the way things were between us when you left. And I never thought of you as a whore." ”Whether you thought it or not you looked at me as if I was one and like you were thinking, ‘that’s what whores do, so she must be one.’” Kid remained silent knowing she was right. He’d even told Jimmy something similar. Lou got angry as he sat there not speaking. No matter what he said, she knew he had looked at her in that way, even if for a brief moment. “See, you can’t even look at me now. You’ll never be able to look at me the way you use to. ” “Lou, I have to know. Would you ever do something like that, in any situation other than the one you were in?” “Are you askin’ if I had been carryin’ your child would I have made the same choice?” Kid nodded and she shook her head. “No matter what, you should know I would never…” Her heart broke as she realized that he would even think that. “You showed me what love was, that was somethin’ I never thought I’d know. Kid more than anything, even when you were courtin’ Samantha, I loved you and I would give anything to be able to carry your child. I know it was my choice to end the pregnancy, but if I hadn’t let Wicks…” “Let him? My God Lou, you were thirteen years old. There’s nothin’ you could have done to stop him.” Lou’s tears began to flow. “No? I coulda fought harder, screamed louder, done something to get away. Then when I found out I was pregnant I could’ve made a different decision.” “But you didn’t.” Kid shook his head as he got off the bed to kneel in front of her. He covered her hands tightly with his, refusing to let her pull them away. “I don’t know how you did it, because I’ve seen how upset you get when you’ve killed someone when you had too. It tears you up inside and you feel guilty for days.” “You think I still don’t feel that way? I killed my child. You’ll never know what that feels like. You don’t know what it’s like for me to go to sleep at night, hopin’ I don’t see him or her in my dreams as they would be today. Kid, Wicks not only stole my innocence, he stole my chance to be a mother.” Kid heard the pain in her voice and wanted to hold her but knew she wouldn’t accept it. “You’re right. I’ll never be able to even begin to imagine what you went through… what you still must be going through. I’ve always known you were strong, but to have to go through that when you were that young… It just made me realize how much it’s a part of what made you who I fell in love with.” Lou thought about his words. As they sank in, she wondered if there was still a chance between them. Was she willing to put her heart on the line again? Could she learn to trust him again? Or was she just fooling herself? “How’d ya know where to find me?” “Same way you always seem to find me. We’re able to find the other because we know each other so well.” Lou shook her head. “Or you thought you did, and I thought I knew you. I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I can handle losin’ your love again, but I know I won’t be able to stay if I’ve lost your friendship. ” “Then you’re still plannin’ on leavin’ because of me?” Lou shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.” “Well you don’t need to worry, Teaspoon’s gonna fire me when I get back.” “Why?” Kid wasn’t sure if the alarm he heard in her voice was actually there or if he was hearing what he wanted to. “He told me if I came after you, he’d have no choice but to fire me. Said to give you the space and time you needed.” “Then why’d you come?” Kid cupped her face and tried to get her to look in his eyes, but she kept averting her gaze. “’Cause either way I’d loose you. If you want me to leave right now, I will. Is that what you want?” She shook her head, “I don’t know.” Kid released her face and got up. Lou, scared he was leaving, grabbed his hand, “Kid, I know you have every right to be upset with me.” Kid turned around and went back to sit on the bed. He rubbed his face with his hands. “I’m not exactly upset with you,” he mumbled. “Not anymore.” “What?” Lou looked at him in shock. “I said I ain’t exactly angry at you. I guess I’m more upset because of the situation.” “I’m not followin’ you, Kid. What do you mean? You seemed pretty angry at me a few days ago.” “I couldn’t help it Lou. You tellin’ me everything all at once; it was a lot for me to take in. The rape… the abortion… the fact you thought you might’ve been pregnant with my child… and then finding out I could never have a child with you.” “I know I shoulda told you sooner, but I didn’t know how or when. At first, that weekend we spent in Redfern, well I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen with us. Then when we got back together, I wanted to know for sure, and when I found out I wasn’t, I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was tryin’ to force you into anything. As for the part about not telling you I couldn’t have children…” She shook her head as she tried to fight back tears. “There was never a good time to tell you.” “I guess most of that stuff, there never is a good time. I guess I got upset because it goes against how I was brought up. Hell I didn’t even know about things like that ‘til I started workin’ for the Express. I just can’t imagine you doin’ something like that... I still can’t. I don’t like what you did, but you did what you thought you had to do, right?” “I was fourteen and livin’ on my own. I couldn’t even support me, or Teresa and Jeremiah, how could I support a baby? You have to believe me Kid, it wasn’t an easy decision for me to make and from the time I found out until I went through with it I musta changed my mind a million times. If you can believe it, I even went to a church hopin’ for an answer. Can you imagine? Me… in a church! And the doctor… if I had known he was a quack…” “Are you so sure he was? I mean it could’ve happened with any doctor.” Lou shook her head. “A few months later, there was an article in the paper about him. A jury found him guilty and he was hung because he butchered at least three dozen women under his care. Those were just the ones they knew about around St. Louis. I thought I was one of the lucky ones until I learned I’d never have kids.” Kid watched as Lou started to fiddle with her hands. Kid scooted closer and when she didn’t move, he turned to the side and started to rub her arms lovingly. He wished she would lean back against him, let him hold her, but he knew he was pushing his luck as it was. Right now, even though he didn’t deserve it, he would take what he could get. “Kid, what happened to make you come find me? I thought you never wanted to see me again. I thought you would always look at me as if I were a whore.” “I told you Lou, I never meant to look at you that way. But it took Jimmy saying some things that started to make sense to me that made me realize I was an idiot.” Kid could see the anger in Lou’s eyes as he mentioned Jimmy’s name. “I didn’t mean to tell him, honest. I thought you had and it just slipped.” “At least he didn’t look at me the way you did. What did he say?” “He told me that if you hadn’t done it, then we might not even be sittin’ here havin’ this conversation. That you’d have never come in to my life.” “Kid, I can’t just forget the moment I thought you were gonna hit me. I’d only been scared like that by two other men in my life. First my father right before he use to beat me, and then by Wicks, right before…” He cupped her tear-stained face in his hands and looked in to her eyes. “You have to know Lou, I would never hit you. Even in my worst anger. I never meant to make you feel that way. I realized the moment I saw that look on your face I’d become like my father. I saw that look too many times on my ma’s face and swore I would never make a woman feel that way... ever. I hated myself more than I hated you because I made the woman I love have that look on her face.” “I know that in my heart, Kid, but I don’t know if I can ever forget that feeling. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, you’ll never know how sorry I am.” Kid wanted to tell her she could spend the rest of their lives making it up to her, but he could tell she wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure if they’d ever get back to the place they were before, but he hoped so. Even now he couldn’t imagine his life without her. “I’m sorry too, Lou. I know I ain’t got the right to ask, but I want us to try and work though this.” “But what about the fact I can’t give you the family you seem to want so badly?” “That was another thing Jimmy said. There are all types of family. Look at all of us. We’re family in every way except for blood. I love your brother and sister as if they were mine, and if that’s the only family I’m blessed with, than that’s fine. I’m sorry we never talked about things like this before. I took it for granted that you wanted what I wanted, I’ll never do that again.” Lou ruffled his hair and smiled. “It’s gonna take time for me, Kid. The anger was just too fierce. I finally told you all my secrets, the ones I’d tried so hard to forget, and I felt as if the life I never deserved was lost forever. And yet I know there’s secrets you’re keepin’ from me and I can’t help but wonder why.” Kid knew exactly what she was talking about. As much as he loved the woman in front of him, he’d never been able to tell her. “I promise you, that secret is nothing compared to the one you told me. And that’s the only thing left. One day when I’m ready I’ll tell you, I hope you can understand.” “I just don’t want to have to go through this a second time. I’ve lost you once already, I don’t know if I can handle losin’ you again.” Kid nodded. He would never forgive himself for making Lou feel the way she was feeling. He didn’t deserve her love, he knew that now. “I guess I better get goin’. I won’t make Rock Creek before sun fall, but at least I’ll get some distance behind me before I need to make camp.” He stood and started for the door. “Kid?” He turned to look back at Lou. “Yeah, Lou?” “You can stay here.” “Lou, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” “Why?” “Because if you’re wearin’ that dress, I can only guess what you have to sleep in.” Lou heard Kid chuckle and could see he was blushing. “I don’t think I can handle seein’ you in that knowin’ I may never get the chance to hold you when you’re wearin’ it again.” “It’s better than the alternative.” Kid nodded. If the thought of seeing her in the nightgown was hard, imaging her in less drove him crazy. “I guess I could sleep on the floor.” Lou nodded and Kid left the room to give her some privacy to change and get into bed. When he heard her call out he could come in, he found her tightly curled in a ball on the edge of the bed. “No sense in you sleepin’ on the floor when the bed is big enough for the both of us.” “Are you sure?” she nodded. Kid stripped down to his long johns and crawled in to bed to lie on the far side of the bed. “I won’t do anything, you have my word.” “Would you…” Lou’s voice caught in her throat. “Could you just hold me? Let me believe just for one night everything is as it was before?” Kid groaned but did as she asked, wrapping her tightly in his arms. With her this close, it would be hard for him to control himself. But for Lou, he would have to. “Thank you,” she said as she snuggled against him. He asked the next question carefully. He didn’t want to anger her anymore than she was, but he had to know. “Does this mean you’re willin’ to forget everything and try to work through it like we always do?” Lou nodded her head. “I probably don't deserve it, but if you are forgivin’ me, then I can forgive you. But us forgettin’… that’s gonna be a whole lot harder.” Lou turned to face Kid and saw him nod. “I know.” “Maybe we should focus more on just movin' past it? I know it's going to take some time, but I want to try. Goodnight, Kid.” “Goodnight Lou.” He kissed her forehead and as he watched her fall asleep, he prayed that they could work through this. Even knowing what she had done when she was so young, and that it went against everything he ever believed in, he still loved this woman more than anything. And he would give up his dreams of having a child of his own, as long as she was with him. ~~ Epilogue ~~ Four Years Later “Jeremiah’s already courtin’ Billy’s sister, why can’t I?” “Because Jeremiah is older than you. He’s at the age where he needs to think about settlin’ down and startin’ a family of his own. You still have a few years to go.” "Come on Kid, sissy would let me," Teresa begged as she and Kid approached the house. "I already told you, no. You're too young and I don't like the way he looks at you. In another year or two then we can talk about you courtin' but until then..." Kid stopped when he saw Lou on the porch swing. "There she is!" Teresa quickly got down off the buckboard and ran to her sister. "Sissy! There you are. We were worried when you didn't pick me up from school, and then when Kid arrived, we saw Lightning outside the doctor’s office but he said you had already left. Are you ok?" Lou barely heard her younger sister talking a mile a minute. She had too much on her mind and just nodded as if she heard every word. Kid arrived behind his sister-in-law and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Teresa, why don't you go put the buckboard up and cool down the horses while I talk to Lou, ok?" Teresa nodded and ran off towards the barn. Kid sat down on the swing next to his wife. "Lou?" He placed his finger under her chin and lifted her head. He could tell she'd been crying. "Honey, what's wrong? Why did you leave Lightning?" Lou wiped her tears from her eyes and smiled. "I'm fine. Doc said I shouldn't be ridin' for awhile." "If you're fine, then why have you been cryin'? When you didn't come back with Teresa I began to get worried. I knew you were runnin' errands in town, and it's not like you to forget about things, ‘specially something as important as your sister." "I'm sorry, Kid. Thanks for gettin' her. What were you two arguing about?" "Apparently, Billy asked her to the town social next week. I told her she was too young to start courtin'." Lou started sobbing again. "Lou, you ain’t fine, what's wrong? Is it because I told her no? You knew I was gonna be overprotective of her, she's only thirteen, she's too young to date. I mean look what happened to you when you were her age." Lou smiled. "That's just it Kid, if you're this worried about her, and she's not even your flesh and blood, what are you going to be like in five months?" "I told you I couldn't help but be protective of her, she is like my daughter. I love her almost as much as I love her sister and always will no matter if it's five months or five years from now." Lou smiled as she realized Kid didn't understand what she meant. She could hardly believe it herself and was still in shock. She shook her head, "Kid, you don't understand. Doc Johansson doesn't want me ridin' Lightning or any other horse for the next four or five months for a reason." "Why, are you hurt?" he asked suddenly concerned as he checked over her to make sure there wasn't an injury or something he missed earlier. "You're scaring me Lou, what's wrong. Why are you cryin’?" Lou's smile reached from ear to ear as she shook her head. "Nothing's wrong, everything is fine. These are tears of joy.” She paused as she looked lovingly at her husband, knowing what his reaction would be. Finally she took a deep breath and continued. “Kid, the doctor in St. Joe was wrong, very wrong." "Wrong about what?" Kid watched as she gave him her frustrated look and then he noticed she’d had one hand below her stomach and another resting on top of it the whole time they talked. His eyes nearly popped out of his head and his jaw dropped nearly to the ground in shock. "You mean... Lou, are you absolutely sure?" “I wasn’t at first. I just thought I caught that bug that’s been goin’ around town. Remember how sick Jeremiah got, then you, then Teresa?” Kid nodded. “Well then I realized that I hadn’t had a regular cycle since… well, I couldn’t remember when I last had one at all.” “And then last week, there was this.” Lou took his hand and placed it over her stomach. She moved it around for a few seconds before she finally found the spot she was looking for. "Did you feel that?" Kid nodded. He was speechless. “Doc Johansson recommends I take it very easy for the rest of the pregnancy, just as a precaution, but other than that, he says everything is fine. That he sees no reason we won’t have a beautiful and healthy baby.” Kid lovingly bent down and kissed her stomach before moving back to kiss her forehead. After everything they had gone through, they had some how proven the doctor wrong, and indeed created a miracle together. All that pain and suffering that had almost torn them apart forever had been for nothing, but he realized that as long as he still had his beloved Lou in the end, he would go through it all again! Email catsimmie Head on Back to the Writers Ranch Main Fan Fiction Index