Prologue ~ July 1861

"And I ain't goin' anywhere," Lou said holding out her hand, praying Kid would take it. These last few months without him had been horrible. They had started to rebuild their friendship, but she still loved him, and she was ready to try again.

Kid looked into Lou's soft brown eyes and saw the love and desire she still had for him. He smiled as he reached out and took her hand. When she didn't move, he gently pulled her into his lap, facing him.

"I don't want you goin' anywhere, either," he grinned. Lou blushed and he lightly kissed her on the lips. He pulled back as she started to deepen the kiss. "We need to be honest with each other if we want this to work," he said. "And I want to go slow this time. Make sure what we have is real."

Lou nodded. "I know it's real for me Kid, but you're right. Slower is better, and you know most of my secrets," she said quietly, not wanting to tell him about the one that still haunted her at night.

"You need to know something," he said. "It was just one time and it didn't mean anything," he rambled.

"What?"

"I danced with Samantha. Like I said, it was just one time and..."

Lou took a deep breath. He had put off making love so long, Kid's confession that he made love to Samantha after knowing her a week, hurt. But she couldn't say much. Had she and Jimmy not been interrupted, who knows where it may have led.

"It's alright, Kid," she assured him. "And before you ask, no. You're the only one I've given myself to. Jimmy and I kissed, that's all."

"You had every right," he told her. "If you had, I couldn't say anything."

"It doesn't matter what you did then, as long as we're together now."

Kid grinned. "I love you, Lou."

"I love you too," she said before beginning to kiss him hungrily. One of the things she had missed most was just being in his arms as he held her. She had never felt so safe as when she was being cradled in those arms that could be so strong, but so gentle at the same time.

They sat on the log talking for hours, before realizing how late it had gotten.

"We'd best be gettin' back," Kid said as he saw the sun was beginning to set.

Lou stood and held her hand out and Kid once again took it as they walked back to the station. They joked and giggled as if they were never apart. As they approached the bunkhouse, Kid started tickling her causing her to squirm and break into a fit of giggles, but she stopped short when she saw who was waiting for them on the porch.

"Samantha?" Lou gasped in disbelief.

"What are you doin' here?" Kid asked, as surprised as Lou was.

Samantha stepped off the porch. "Kid, can we talk?"

"I don't think there's anything more we need to say to each other, Samantha."

"Kid," Lou started. "It's okay, go talk to her." Lou had to admit to herself that she was curious as to what Samantha wanted. She hoped it wasn't to get back with Kid. She didn't think she had it in her to lose him again.

"Are you sure, Lou?"

Lou nodded and then entered the bunkhouse. Kid just stood there waiting for Samantha to say something.

"Can we go for a walk?" Samantha asked looking at her feet. "This is something we need to discuss in private."

At her words, Kid suddenly felt as if he'd been hit in the stomach, but nodded. They walked towards town as Samantha explained why she had come back.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Lou tossed and turned on her bunk waiting for Kid to return. Just hours ago he had confessed to having been with Samantha, and even though he had said it didn't mean anything, that he still loved Lou, she couldn't help wondering if he was with the woman right then.

Kid wouldn't do that to you, she thought, as she turned and looked down at his empty bunk. He couldn't do that to you.

Knowing she couldn't sleep until he returned, she decided to make sure she had everything ready for her run in the morning. As she entered the barn, she stopped as she saw Kid slumped over on a bale of hay with his head buried in his hands.

"Kid?" Lou asked cautiously as she sat next to him. "What's wrong?"

Kid sighed. His worst nightmare had come true. He couldn't believe how unfair life was. "Samantha's pregnant," he mumbled. "She's carryin' my child."

"Are you sure?" Lou asked doubtfully. "What about Robert?"

Kid shook his head. "It's mine, I already asked. She and Robert hadn't been together in quite some time, and she swears there was no one after."

"What are you gonna do?" Lou said, already knowing the answer.

"Don't have much of a choice," he said sadly. He had finally found happiness again with Lou, and now because of one stupid mistake, he was going to lose her again.

Lou lifted his face and turned it to look at her. "You always have a choice, Kid."

"No, I don't. I would do the same if it had been you. God, I wish it had been you," he said lovingly.

"Are you two gonna stay in Rock Creek?" Lou wasn't sure which worried her more. The thought of him moving away from her and them losing their friendship, or seeing him in town with another woman as his wife.

Kid shook his head. "She had already accepted a teachin' job in Charlotte before she found out. So we're gonna get married as soon as we can and move back there. Looks like I'll be goin' back South anyways." He rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "But like I said before, leavin' you will be the hardest thing I'll ever do."

He cupped her face and once again kissed her. He was hurt and disappointed when she didn't respond. "Lou, let me love you one last time. Please," he pleaded.

Lou shook her head. "We can't, Kid. No matter how badly we both need it." Lou bit her bottom lip to keep from crying.

"I guess you're right. With my luck I'd wind up with two little "Kid's" out there. Just know I'll always love you."

Lou had chuckled at his first statement but shook her head at the last one. "No you won't, Samantha's 'bout to become your wife. One day you'll wake up next to her and realize that you've fallen in love with her and have forgotten all about me."

"I can never forget about you," he disagreed. "And you're wrong. I'll wake up every day for the rest of my life wonderin' why I let you go in the first place."

"I better get back to the bunkhouse," Lou said standing up. "I have a run early in the morning."

"When will you be back?"

"Coupla days."

"But you'll miss the weddin'," he said sadly.

Lou shrugged her shoulder. "Maybe it's for the best. I don't think Samantha would 'preciate me bein' there." And how can I watch the man I love marry someone else? She added silently to herself.

"I promise I'll write to you," he said.

"Kid, you promised that to Doritha too, and you weren't married," she reminded him. "I'll be alright without you. I've done it once, I can do it again." Before he had a chance to respond, she hurried out of the barn.

"I wish you didn't have to," he said quietly as he watched her leave.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Lou returned from her run four days later, and Jimmy was waiting for her when she dismounted.

"Kid already gone?" she asked as she led Lightning to the barn.

"You knew?" Jimmy asked. "He just left yesterday."

Lou nodded. "He told me the night before I left."

"I'm sorry, Lou," Jimmy consoled. "I know you both were wantin' to get back together."

"Oh, Jimmy," she cried. "What am I gonna do now?"

Jimmy pulled her into his arms as she cried herself out.

Chapter 1 ~ November 1881

Lou stood at the Rock Creek train station waiting patiently. It was the first time she'd seen her son since he had left in the fall for a University halfway across the country. Jimmy had teased her for days after their son had left, but she couldn't help it. With her son gone off to school, she was alone once more.

Lou often looked back on her life and wondered how she could've let things happen the way they did. After Kid had moved back South, she and Jimmy had grown closer. She resisted him at first, but one day, not too long after the Express had ended, she gave in to the loneliness and she and Jimmy became lovers. A little over a year later, she discovered she was pregnant with their son, who they named James Butler McCloud, but always called "J.J.", short for "James Junior".

She and Jimmy briefly entertained the thought of marriage, but Lou knew she could never give Jimmy her heart completely; not when it belonged to a man who was no longer in her life. Jimmy had stayed by her side, but by the time J.J. was five, he started taking jobs wherever he could and stayed away longer and longer each time. He'd always return for birthdays and holidays, and they'd always wind up in each other's arms, long after their son had fallen asleep.

She hadn't seen Jimmy since they put their son on the train to go to college, but she knew he'd come around this weekend for the holidays. Lou was so lost in thought that she didn't realize the train had pulled in until she heard a voice.

"Mom?"

Lou turned to see her little boy towering over her. No, he's no longer your little boy, she thought. He's a man now. "Welcome home, J.J.," she said pulling him into a hug.

"Dad didn't come with you?" he asked disappointed.

Lou shook her head. "No, but he'll be here tomorrow and we'll have Thanksgiving with Rachel, Cody and Buck like we always do the day after that."

J.J. looked at the ground and bit his lip, causing Lou to chuckle. He may look like both parents, but his mannerisms were all Lou's while his temper was all Jimmy's.

"I was kinda hopin' to talk to both of ya before then," he said solemnly.

"Well you're on winter break and don't have to be back until January. You'll have plenty of time to talk to us."

"I know, it's just..."

"Just what?" Lou asked, concerned. "Is everything alright?"

J.J. nodded. "It can wait," he said.

Lou nodded as they made their way to the buckboard. It was times like this that she felt like hating Jimmy. Too many times she'd had to be both mother and father to their son, but then again, she wouldn't have traded her son for the world.

For most of the ride, both mother and son were quiet, but finally J.J. spoke. "Mom, why didn't you and dad ever marry?"

"Where did this come from?" Lou asked surprised as she looked at her son. He had never asked about her and Jimmy's relationship before and she wondered why he'd bring it up now.

"Do you love him?"

"I love your father very much. He's been one of my dearest friends for a long time."

"Then why didn't you ever get married?"

"We just don't love each other in that way. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us or to you."

"Do you believe there's such a thing as true love?"

Lou slowed the buckboard and looked over at her son again. "Where is all of this coming from? You've never been so curious before."

J.J. just shrugged. "Just wonderin' is all."

Lou didn't believe him but didn't push him for more as she sped the horses up. "I know your father and I probably haven't been the best parents..."

"I didn't mean it like that!" J.J. exclaimed.

"I know. But we tried, we really did. More than anything I wish we could've shown you what true love is, but it just wasn't meant to be."

How could Lou explain to her son that the reason she and his father never married was because Jimmy wasn't her one true love? That none of them had even heard from Kid since he had left to start his life with Samantha?

They rode back to the house in silence. Once they arrived and Lou had helped carry her son's bags into their house, she finally spoke.

"Why don't you unpack and get some rest. I'm gonna head over to the bakery to make sure everything is alright without me, and then to Rachel's."

J.J. rolled his eyes. "The bakery can handle a few days without you," he reminded her. "You know they hate it when you're constantly checking up on them."

Lou laughed, knowing her son was right. At the end of the Express, Cody had gone off to fight in the war, Buck and Jimmy stayed and worked as Teaspoon's deputies, but Lou was at a loss as to what to do. Rachel offered to let her help around the station and taught her how to cook and bake. After a while, Lou took a job at the restaurant as a cook, and once she had enough money saved, and with Jimmy's help, she opened the Rock Creek Sweet Bakery in town.

But even after fifteen years, she still liked to make sure things ran smoothly when she wasn't working. Other than her son, her business was the one thing in her life she was truly proud of.

"I know, but with Thanksgiving, I just want to make sure that they're gettin' all the pie orders out on time."

"Fine," he said, giving up. "When you get to Rachel's..."

"If I see your father, I'll tell him to come over." Although Lou knew if he was already in town he would've been at the Train Station. She smiled and ruffled her son's hair. "Though if you need a man to talk to about girls, I could always send Cody over."

J.J. glared at his mother in annoyance, causing her to chuckle. "This is serious," he said.

"I was just kiddin'," she said, realizing her son was serious about needing to talk. "I can stay if you need me too," she said, concerned.

J.J. shook his head. "This is something I really want to talk to you and dad about together."

Lou nodded and left. J.J. went to his bedroom and threw himself down on his bed. He knew his parents loved each other in their own way, but he wasn't sure if what he felt was real, and it scared him that he'd already asked Helen to marry him. He wasn't sure how his parents would react, but he hoped once they met her, they'd understand.

~~~ *~* ~~~

"Dad, I can't find the silver candlesticks," Helen whined as she searched through every drawer in the kitchen. "You know, the ones you and momma got as a wedding present."

Zachariah Johnson sighed as he entered the kitchen. "Helen, they're not gonna be here for another two weeks. Calm down, darling," he said as he pulled her into his arms.

"I know, but I just want everything to be perfect. I want his parents to love me."

"I'm sure they will, how could they not?" She shrugged. "I just wish your momma was here to help you with all this," he said sadly.

Zach still had a hard time accepting the fact his wife and both sons had died ten years ago from a Cholera epidemic. Had he and Helen, their middle child, not been out of town when the epidemic struck, then they most likely would have contracted it too. By the time they did return home, it was already too late for their oldest child, his wife died the next day, and their youngest the day after.

"I don't think momma would've wanted me to get married so young," she said. "I'm younger than you two were."

"Not by much," he said. "And things were different back then."

They had never told their children why they had married so young, and he still regretted the reason why to this day. He had grown to love his wife - obviously the two children that came after proved that, but it wasn't the love he wanted.

"Do you wish you had waited?" Helen asked curiously.

Zach shrugged. "What's done is done," he answered. "If you really love J.J., and he loves you, then why wait?"

Helen nodded and watched as her father walked away.

Chapter 2

Lou woke later that evening to the feeling of kisses on her neck. She moaned as someone began nibbling on her ear and caressing her body. It took her a few minutes to wake up and realize she was no longer dreaming.

"Hey," Jimmy said grinning at her. "Was wonderin' when you'd wake up."

"What are you doin' here?" she snapped.

"What do you think?" he grinned.

Lou sat up and wrapped the blanket tighter around her. "Where were you today? I thought you were gonna meet me at the train station."

Jimmy resumed kissing her neck. "I met up with Cody outside of town and we started talkin'. I lost track of time, I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it this time, Jimmy." Lou got out of bed and sat in the chair where she could look out over the garden. "I haven't seen you since August, and you come sneakin' in here..."

"You've never complained before," Jimmy said as he scooted to the edge of the bed to look at her. "Lou, what's wrong?"

"J.J. came home full of questions and wanting to talk to us both. He expected you to be there. I expected you to be there."

She let out a long sigh. She loved Jimmy in her own way, but she couldn't keep doing this - have him disappear for months at a time only for him to show up and expect her to make love all night long.

"I can't keep playin' both mother and father to him. I can't keep letting you into my life, my home, my bed," she said quietly.

"So you're sayin' after almost twenty years, you want a commitment?"

Lou shook her head. "No, Jimmy, we both know that would never work. We just don't feel that way about each other."

"No, Lou, you don't feel that way about me." Jimmy said as he stood up to leave. "I'll stay over at the bunkhouse tonight."

"Jimmy..." Lou felt bad. She hadn't meant to hurt him but she couldn't keep going on the way they had been. "Don't go. This is your house too. You can stay in the guest room."

"Are you sure, Lou?"

She nodded. "J.J. will want to see you when he gets up in the morning. He seemed impatient to talk to us. Though after tonight, I don't know how we can answer his questions."

"What do you mean? What kind of questions?"

"He was asking me about love. If I believed in true love, why we never got married, stuff like that."

"Maybe I should talk to him alone," Jimmy suggested. "There may be other questions he has that he might not be comfortable talkin' to you about."

Lou shook her head. "No, I already had that talk with him. Livin' in the bunkhouse with you boys for so long, prepared me for anything."

"Hey, when we found out you were a girl, we stopped braggin'." Jimmy laughed at the look on Lou's face. "Well for the most part."

"I miss those days," Lou said quietly.

Jimmy crossed in front of her and knelt down taking her hands in his. "I know you do. And I know you still miss him."

Lou couldn't believe after twenty years, Jimmy could be so understanding and loving. "I don't know what I would've done without you all this time."

"Go crazy. I know I ain't been there for you like I should've been..."

"And I'm sorry I couldn't love you like you deserved to be loved, Jimmy."

"At least I've had what little you'd give me, I'm happy with that."

"I just wish it could've been more," Lou said sadly before yawning.

"Let's get you back in bed so you can get some sleep." Lou nodded and he helped her back into bed. "Why don't you sleep in? I'll talk with J.J. first and then when you wake up, we can find out what's goin' on."

But Lou didn't respond, since she was already fast asleep.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Jimmy was in the kitchen first thing in the morning waiting for his son. He still found it hard to believe that James Butler Hickok, "notorious gun fighter", was a father. There were few things in his life he was proud of, and his son was one of them.

"Dad, you're home," J.J. said entering the kitchen and seeing his father at the table with a mug of coffee between his hands. "Does mom know?"

"I got in late last night," Jimmy answered as he nodded. "She knows."

His son grinned. "And I didn't hear a thing."

Jimmy groaned as he realized he and Lou hadn't been as quiet over the years as they had thought. "Don't let her hear you say that. She said you wanted to talk, what's up? I'm guessin' there's a girl involved?" J.J. nodded. "Are you bein' careful?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes! I mean No! I mean..." he blushed. "We haven't done anything yet," he confessed. "She wants to, but I'm just not sure."

"What aren't you sure about?" Lou asked as she walked into the kitchen, having missed most of the conversation.

"Mornin'," both father and son mumbled at the same time.

J.J. took a deep breath. "I met someone, and we'd like to get married."

"How long have you known her?" Lou gasped.

"Where's she from? Where did you meet her?" Jimmy questioned.

As his parents asked him questions, J.J. felt like he was three and had just gotten caught stealing from Tompkins' store.

"Her name is Helen Johnson, she's from Durham and she goes to school down the road from mine. We met a few days after school started, and we see each other every chance we get. It's less than a day's ride and I like spendin' time with her."

"But you're so young," Lou exclaimed. "How can you be so sure you want to marry her already?"

"I love her... I think," he said uncomfortably. "I mean I do, but I'm not sure if it's really love."

"That's why you were asking all those questions yesterday, wasn't it?" Lou wondered.

J.J. nodded. "I know you two love each other, but I just wondered why you never got married."

Jimmy looked over at Lou and squeezed her hand. "Your mother and I do love each other, very much. But it's a different kind of love."

Lou nodded. "I could never give my heart completely to your father, because..." she looked over at Jimmy for support, and he nodded. "Because my heart has belonged to someone else for quite some time."

"Before you met?"

Jimmy shook his head. "No, he rode in the Express with us. He was my best friend, and when he left your mother... Well I'd had feelings for her for quite some time."

Lou saw the shock in her son's face. "It's not what you're thinkin'. When Kid and I had problems, Jimmy was the one I'd turn to. He knew how I felt, and only once did he act on those feelings before Kid left. But when Kid left, he took my heart with him, and your father was the one who helped me through it. It was quite some time before I let myself love your father. But it wasn't the same."

"Why did Kid leave? I've heard him mentioned from the others, but no one ever told me anything."

"Kid was very... proper. He made a mistake and he had to take responsibility for it."

"Did you ever hear from him again?"

Jimmy shook his head. "None of us did. Though I know your mother and Rachel tried to write him. After awhile, we figured maybe he'd been killed in the war."

Lou stood and went to the coffee pot to pour herself a cup.

"Was Kid your first?" J.J. asked curiously.

Lou's eyes grew wide and she dropped her cup, shattering into hundreds of pieces. "My first love," she said, knowing that wasn't what he wanted to know.

Jimmy grew worried at Lou's reaction. He knew from Kid that he wasn't her first, but for some reason, an incident when an old friend of hers came for a visit came to mind and he flinched hoping he was wrong.

J.J. wondered about his parents' sudden reaction to his question.

Lou shook her head. "No," she said quietly as she bent down to start picking up the pieces of broken ceramic. Rachel and Teaspoon were the only ones who knew what happened to her when she was thirteen.

Jimmy noticed Lou's change in behavior and knew it was time to change the subject. "So when were you thinkin' of getting married?" Jimmy asked his son. "You know how we feel about you getting an education."

J.J. gulped. "Uhm... we already planned on Christmas."

"This year?" Lou shrieked looking up. "Why so fast? You didn't get her..." Lou couldn't finish the thought.

Both father and son shook their heads.

"No, we haven't done anything... yet," J.J. replied, embarrassed to be talking about the subject with his mom. "Even with the way you two brought me up, you taught me it wasn't right unless I was married."

"But Christmas is barely a month away!" Lou exclaimed standing up and throwing part of the broken mug away.

"Your mother's right. We haven't even met her. Met her family." Jimmy argued.

"She and her father have invited us out there. We're expected in two weeks."

"Damn it!" Lou said as she cut her finger trying to pick up more of the broken pieces. She stuck her finger in her mouth to try and stop the flow of blood.

Jimmy got up and grabbed a damp dish towel for Lou. "Son, we just want you to be sure about this."

"The longer I'm away from her, the more I miss her. When I'm not with her, I feel as if I'm missing a part of myself. Like I'm not whole."

Hearing her son describe his feelings brought back to many emotions and memories of when Kid first left. "I'm sorry," she said before running out of the room.

"She still loves him, doesn't she?" J.J. asked, concerned for his mother.

Jimmy nodded. "She always will."

"It doesn't bother you that she doesn't love you the way she loves him? Even after all this time?"

Jimmy shook his head. "I love your mother and was willing to take whatever she would give me."

"Why doesn't love make sense?" J.J. asked seriously.

Jimmy chuckled. "I've been wonderin' that for a long time. But like your mother once told me, it wouldn't be love if it did."

"If you knew how much she loved him, why didn't you ever try to find him?"

"Because it wouldn't have mattered, he was with someone else."

J.J.'s eyes grew wide. "He was married?" he asked in disbelief. "Mom had an affair with a married..."

"No!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Kid would never even..." Jimmy realized he needed to let his son know everything. "Your mother and Kid were young when we all met. He found out she was a girl before any of us, and that bond between them... well for him it was love at first sight. It took her a little longer to figure it out, and finally, they became real close."

"They started to have sex," J.J. clarified.

Jimmy nodded. "He grew more and more protective of her. He wanted to take care of her, wanted her to be a woman instead of having to live life as a boy, so he proposed to her. She wasn't ready and they broke up."

"But if she loved him..."

"You have to understand, your mother was trying to prove something. She wasn't ready to settle down and be something she had no idea how to be. Well, Kid met another woman and they had a brief affair, and it hurt Lou real bad. She still loved him, and it hurt seein' him move on so quickly. When it was over, it took her a long time before she was willing to try again. The day they decided to, Kid found out that the woman he'd had an affair with was pregnant... with his child."

"That's what she meant when he said he took responsibility for his mistake. He married her even though he was in love with someone else."

Jimmy nodded. "She couldn't even go to his wedding, not that I blame her. It hurt me standing beside him knowing how bad she was hurting. Look, don't let your mother know I told you any of this. She's already mad at me," Jimmy said thinking back on their conversation the night before.

J.J. nodded. "The last thing I want is to cause her any more pain. Is there any chance... Is Kid my father?"

Jimmy looked at his son sternly. "Of course not! This was twenty years ago. You're only eighteen. Everything we've told you about us is true. We just didn't see any reason to tell you about the other stuff because it happened before we were together."

Jimmy looked at his son and felt horrible. He'd never stayed around very long, but it wasn't J.J.'s fault. As much as he loved Lou, it was hard being around her for long periods of time, knowing that despite all they shared, she would always love Kid more.

"The only thing that you need to know is that no matter what, your mother and I love you more than anything, and we always will."

Chapter 3

Jimmy spent the rest of the morning with his son, giving Lou some time to herself, for which she was glad. She did a lot of thinking and realized that over the past twenty years, she hadn't been fair to herself or to Jimmy. She continued to hold on to a love that was long gone, and it had held her back from experiencing something that could be wonderful with Jimmy.

She heard a knock on the bedroom door and wiped the tears from her face. "Come on in, Jimmy."

"Hey," he said as he entered her bedroom. "How are you feelin'?"

"Miserable," she said quietly.

Jimmy sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I guess talkin' with J.J. made me realize how unfair I've been to him... to you. I'm sorry," she sobbed.

Jimmy pulled her into his arms, hating to see her like this. "You can't help who you love, Lou. I know I can't."

Lou's heart melted at his words and she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'm ready to love you like you deserve, Jimmy," she said before kissing him.

Jimmy felt torn as she lay back on the bed bringing him down with her. "Lou, what about what we talked about last night? You said you didn't want this anymore."

"I need to let go and stop living in the past. I'm ready to be what you want me to be. And if that means havin' you pop in and out of my life, than I'm willin' to settle for that. You've put up with worse from me."

"I want you to be sure about this," he said cupping he face, as he gazed lovingly into her eyes.

She nodded, in awe of the love she always saw in those brown eyes. "I'm ready to give you my heart completely," she promised as she lowered his head down to hers and began proving it to him.

~~~ *~* ~~~

"I can't believe this is the last Thanksgiving I'll have with my little girl," Zach said sadly.

"Daddy," Helen whined half heartedly. "I'm not your little girl anymore."

He shook his head. "Even when you and J.J. are married and have kids of your own, you'll still be my little girl."

His daughter gave him an annoyed look and his breath caught in his throat. The look reminded him so much of someone he used to know; someone from a different life.

Helen noticed the sad look in her father's eyes that he often got and wondered what caused it. He seemed to be getting it more and more since she had first brought J.J. home to meet him.

"You know I won't leave you," she said concerned. "I may move out when we get married, but we're gonna try to find a place nearby."

"You don't have to do that, honey. You two will be starting your own life together and you won't need me anymore."

"I'll always need you," she disagreed. "You're my daddy and my best friend."

~~~ *~* ~~~

J.J. left the house on Thanksgiving morning shaking his head. Something had happened between his parents the day before, and he'd hardly seen either since. Needing to get out of the house, he headed over to the station to see if Rachel needed help getting the Thanksgiving meal together.

He headed towards the bunkhouse and stopped as he heard Cody's voice.

"I'm tellin' ya Buck. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. And her chest..." Cody stopped when he heard the door open and saw J.J. walk in. "Well, well, look who just walked in," Cody said. "Where's your parents?"

"Busy," J.J. replied blushing.

Buck and Coy chuckled. "Yeah, well, bein' a big man back East, I'm sure you're busy quite often," Cody teased.

J.J.'s eyes grew wide and he turned an ever shade of red. Buck leaned in and whispered in Cody's ear. "If I didn't know better, with the way he blushes, I'd swear he was Kid's and not Jimmy's."

"So are you?" Cody inquired.

J.J. shook his head. "Not yet," he said ashamed.

Cody shook his head. "Geez, Buck, I think we need to take him over to the saloon in town and take care of that. What do you think?"

"No!" J.J. said too sharply. "I want my first time to be special," he said barely above a whisper.

"Who'd have believed that when your father used to work in a saloon," Cody kept teasing.

"Shut up, Cody," Jimmy demanded as he entered the bunkhouse.

"Is it true?" J.J. asked. "Did you really work in a saloon where they had that type of...?"

"It's not what you think," Jimmy replied shooting Cody an evil look. "I was workin' for the army trying to catch a woman who was stealing their weapons."

Jimmy was saved by further explanation when the door opened and Lou and Rachel walked in carrying trays of food.

"Besides, ask your mother. She worked in a saloon as one of the girls."

"What?" Lou screeched as she almost dropped the pot of gravy she was carrying.

"You did?" J.J. was in shock. He was learning more about his parents in the past two days than he had in the eighteen years he'd been alive.

Lou wondered where Jimmy had ever thought she did that kind of work for Wicks. She was about to pull him outside when he continued.

"I still can't get the image of her in the dress out of my mind to this day."

"Even though he's seen her out of it a million times," Cody added.

"Enough, Cody!" Rachel scolded.

Cody's mouth started to water at the sight of the feast Lou and Rachel was putting on the table in front of them. "Looks mighty fine, Rachel," he said reaching for a piece of corn bread.

Rachel slapped his hand away. "Well since you seem to be so thankful for it, you can say the blessing."

Everyone bowed their heads as Cody blessed the meal and said how grateful they were for the friends that were among them and how the ones that weren't, were missed. After saying "Amen" everyone started to eat.

Throughout the meal, Jimmy noticed how quiet Lou was. She had been so excited about the meal earlier but she'd hardly said anything other than "please pass the..." since they got there. No, he thought. She hasn't said anything since you brought up working in the saloon.

He realized that even though they'd been together for almost twenty years, there was still so much they didn't know about each other. There was her past from before the Express she still wouldn't share with him, and then there was one of the main reasons he never stayed very long.

He reached under the table and took her hand in his. She looked over at him and smiled briefly before continuing to eat.

"Do you two mind?" Cody asked. "Some of us are tryin' to eat and don't need to see that."

"Yeah," J.J. added. "I tell you guys I'm gettin' married and all of a sudden..."

"Married?" Cody, Buck and Rachel all said at once. "Who? What? When?"

The questions flew at J.J. for the rest of the meal. Jimmy looked over at Lou.

"Want to go for a walk?"

Lou nodded and they left the bunkhouse, hand in hand, unnoticed by the others. They walked quietly over to Rachel's and sat on the porch swing.

"Lou, I didn't know tellin' J.J. about Lambert would upset you so much."

"It's not that, Jimmy," she said.

"Is it because it brought up memories of Kid?" Lou shook her head. "Then what's wrong?" he asked concerned.

Lou took a deep breath. "That wasn't the first time I worked in a place like that," she said quietly.

Jimmy looked at her in shock. "Before you worked for the Express." It was more of a statement than a question.

Lou nodded. "It was right after I left the orphanage."

Jimmy just listened as she told him what had happened to her all those years ago, and held her as she cried. He wanted to kill the bastard who had done this to her, and the fact he was long dead didn't make it any easier for him.

"I wondered about that," he said as he gently rubbed her hair. "Last night when you mentioned Kid not bein' your first, Charlotte popped into my head for some reason."

"You weren't even there when she showed up."

"No, but I heard the others talkin'. Kid never knew, did he?"

Lou shook her head. "Other than Rachel and Teaspoon, you're the first person I've told."

"I wish I could make that pain go away," Jimmy said holding her tighter.

Lou smiled at him. "You have, Jimmy. Just by bein' here, being with me."

"I just wish I had been around more," he sighed.

"You we're workin' for Teaspoon and then..."

Jimmy shook his head. "It wasn't just that. Not too long after J.J. was born, someone called me out. He knew about you two and said after he killed me, he was comin' after the both of you." Jimmy's heart broke as he heard Lou gasp. "Part of the reason I kept leaving was because it was hard for me to love you knowing you still loved Kid. But the main reason was, I loved you and J.J. more than anything, and I didn't want you gettin' hurt because of some stupid reputation."

"That's why you insisted J.J. have my last name," she said, finally understanding.

Jimmy nodded. "I figured you were both safer that way."

"We've lost so much time because of our pasts," Lou said solemnly. "But that's over now. From here on out, it's just us. Together for as long as we'll have each other. I love you, Jimmy."

Jimmy grinned and began kissing her. Lou tightened her arms around his waist and pulled him as close as she could on the small swing. As Jimmy felt her hands caress his back, he realized this is what he always wanted - Lou in his arms forever. He knew at that moment what her Christmas present this year would be.

Chapter 4

Things were hectic over the next two weeks as Lou prepared to leave the house and bakery during the Christmas holidays. Jimmy stayed the entire time, and much to J.J. and Lou's delight, it looked like he was planning on staying for good.

The train ride to North Carolina amazed Lou. She had never been farther east than St. Joseph and the change in scenery was breathtaking. Once they entered North Carolina, the scenery changed to mainly tobacco fields, and J.J. explained that Helen's father ran a small tobacco farm and recently had started training and breeding horses.

As they exited the train, Lou watched her son run to a petite, beautiful young woman with blue eyes and sandy hair and twirled her in his arms. Jimmy wrapped his arm around Lou's waist and smiled.

"I'm guessin' that's Helen," he teased.

"That or he takes after you more than we thought," she teased back.

"In the past twenty years we've been together," he started as he whispered in Lou's ear. "There was only one woman other than you, and I've regretted it ever since. There's been no one else since you gave me our son."

Lou's eyes grew wide at his confession and she turned to look at him. "Yeah right," she said, not believing him. "The great Jimmy Hickok, biggest bragger in the bunkhouse, is tellin' me that in the last twenty years, with one exception, I've been the only girl? I don't believe you."

Jimmy kissed her forehead lightly. "Why should I keep looking when I finally had what I wanted?"

Lou was about to respond when their son came back hand in hand with Helen. "Mom, Dad, this is Helen. Helen, this is my mom, Louise, and my dad Jimmy."

She reached out her hand. "J.J. has told me so much about you guys, and it's so nice to finally meet you Mr. and Mrs. McCloud."

Lou opened her mouth to correct her, but Jimmy didn't give her a chance.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too, Helen. And please, call us Jimmy and Lou."

"I wish my father could've come to meet the train," Helen informed them as they walked to the carriage. "But he was called away suddenly on business. But he promised to be back in time for the engagement party tomorrow night."

As J.J. helped her into the driver's seat, he sighed. "I told you guys not to make a big deal about the wedding. We agreed to keep it simple."

"I know," she agreed. "But you know how daddy is. I'm his baby girl and all he has left so he wants to make a big deal out of it."

The group was quiet for most of the ride, when Helen finally spoke. "Did you ask her?" she asked J.J. quietly.

J.J. shook his head. "I haven't had a chance."

"You've been home a coupla weeks, how could you not? The wedding is a week away! What if she doesn't have time?"

Lou knew she was who they were talking about. "Ask me what?"

Helen gave J.J. an encouraging look and sighed when he didn't speak. "J.J. says you own your own bakery back home, and we would be honored if you'd make our wedding cake. If there's time, and of course we'd be happy to pay for it..."

J.J. chuckled as Helen rambled on without giving his mother a chance to respond.

"I'd love to," Lou said proudly. "And we won't talk about payment. You're about to become my daughter, I could never charge you."

The two women continued to talk about the cake and other wedding preparations for the rest of the ride. Jimmy could tell Lou was getting excited and decided he was going to give her his Christmas present early.

As they pulled up to the "small" ranch, Jimmy's jaw dropped in awe. The house was a moderate size, but the farm and ranch itself could hold all of Rock Creek and then some.

Lou looked over at Jimmy and smiled. "Impressive, isn't it?"

"Very," he said as they reached the front of the house, and he helped her down from the carriage.

"J.J., if you'll show your parents to their room, I'll take care of the horses. They can stay in either of the rooms across from the one you normally stay in."

"Are you sure?" J.J. asked. "I can take care of the horses and you show them around."

Helen shook her head. "You've been here enough to know where to put them, and it won't take me long."

He nodded and kissed her cheek before he led his parents to the house. As soon as they entered the house, the first thing Lou noticed was that there were no pictures of Helen's family. No signs of her mother and two brothers that had died, no signs of her father, nothing.

As if reading her mind, Jimmy leaned in and whispered. "J.J. said when she died, that he took down all the pictures. Put them in the attic for Helen if she wanted them. He even changed bedrooms."

"It must be hard to love someone so much that when you lose them you can't even stand to have reminders of them around."

Jimmy looked at her remembering how for months after he left, Lou had slept with Kid's pillow. "I know I'd be the same way if I ever lost you," he smiled.

She playfully punched him as they continued up the stairs. Finally J.J. led them to their room. The room was huge and had a fireplace, separate bathing area and a balcony overlooking the tobacco fields. The huge, hand carved, wooden bed had a canopy and Lou knew she'd sleep like a princess. Not to mention the other thoughts that ran wickedly through her mind.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Later that evening, the two couples met in the dining room for an informal dinner.

"So I know it's only a few days away," Helen started. "But we thought a wedding on Christmas Eve was so romantic."

"Well the rest of the "family" will be arriving that morning," Lou explained. "I know Buck won't stay long, but I'm not sure of Cody and Rachel's plans."

"I'm sure they'll be leavin' together," J.J. said with a wink.

"What are you talkin' about?" Lou asked puzzled.

Jimmy chuckled. "Don't sit there and tell me you didn't know? Rachel and Cody have uhm..."

"Danced?" J.J. supplied.

"For quite some time now." Jimmy added.

"What's wrong with dancing?" Helen asked, confused.

"Never mind!" the other three exclaimed at the same time.

Helen looked at them oddly but shook her head. "I hope you find your room acceptable," she said worriedly.

"It's beautiful," Lou insisted. "That bed is amazing. I've never seen anything like it."

Helen looked at J.J. "So you put them in Grandma's old room?"

J.J. shrugged. "I guess so. I put them in the one across from mine."

"If that's a problem," Lou said. "We can move to another room."

Helen shook her head. "No, it's not a problem. I just thought he'd put you in the room next to it. That was my parents' bedroom before my mother died," she said quietly. "Afterwards, my dad moved to the other side of the house. I just figured since it was bigger you'd be more comfortable."

Remembering the huge space they were currently in, Lou shook her head. "How much bigger can it be? We're fine where we are, honestly."

Helen nodded and they continued to eat. It wasn't long before the day's travel made Lou and Jimmy weary, and they retired for the evening.

Helen pulled J.J. aside at the bottom of the stairs. "Are you comin' to say goodnight later?" she asked seductively.

He shook his head. "It's only a few more days, Helen, we can wait." At the pout she gave him, he pulled her into his arms. "We agreed it would be more special this way," he reminded her.

"I know, it's just hard waiting when I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Helen," he said kissing her lightly on the forehead.

They climbed the staircase hand in hand and reluctantly parted to their rooms at the top. After climbing into bed, trying not to focus on how badly he wished he'd finally given in, he sighed as he heard his parents from across the hall.

Chapter 5

Jimmy sat on the bed putting his shoes on as he gazed over at Lou, who was finishing brushing her hair. After being so used to her having short hair for the first ten years he'd known her, he loved it when she wore it long and flowing. She was wearing a green velvet dress that hugged her body and drove him wild.

"Are you about ready?" he asked as he stood up and walked to the small dressing table.

Lou nodded. "All I need is for you to finish buttoning me up," she said pointing to the back of her dress.

Jimmy grinned and began kissing her neck as he slowly started unbuttoning the buttons.

"Jimmy," she said slapping his hand playfully. "We're gonna be late."

"Nobody will notice," he said slipping the dress from her shoulders.

"J.J. and Helen will. With her dad not home yet, we really should be down there."

Jimmy sighed knowing she was right. "Later?" he said seductively.

"That goes without saying."

Jimmy and Lou walked out of the bedroom arm in arm and down to the parlor. Immediately Helen came up to them.

"Daddy just got home a little bit ago. He told me to tell you that he's going to clean up and change and he'll be right down to meet you."

After being introduced to what seemed like an endless amount of people, Jimmy and Lou finally joined other couples on the dance floor. As Jimmy held her close to him, he grew concerned as he heard her sigh.

"Are you okay?" he asked, lifting her face to look at him.

"Just can't believe my little baby is all grown up, gettin' married and will be starting a family of his own."

"He's not a little baby anymore," Jimmy said, hugging her a little tighter. But Jimmy knew exactly what she was feeling.

"He'll always be my baby. Maybe if he wasn't movin' so far away, I'd be okay but... I just feel like with him gone, and if you leave me again, I won't have anyone."

Jimmy smiled. "You're still young you know," he reminded her. "There's nothing stoppin' us from havin' another child. I always wished we'd given J.J. a little brother or sister," he grinned wickedly.

Lou chuckled. "That's sweet, Jimmy, but I wouldn't want to go through that again. We were young and didn't know what we were doing, not to mention we weren't married," she said quietly. "As much as I love you, I'd want to do it different this time. Not that it's likely to happen."

"Then marry me," Jimmy said seriously.

Lou gasped. She and Jimmy had joked about marriage when she first learned she was pregnant, but now she knew he was serious. "What?" she asked, dumbfounded.

"I know we joked about it before, but I hope at least over these past few weeks that I've shown you that I'm serious now. I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and now that I have your heart completely, I'm ready to be with you completely." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small jeweler's box. "I was goin' to wait until after the wedding, but I can't anymore. Now I can either get down on one knee and do this right, or..."

Lou shook her head. "Yes, Jimmy!" she exclaimed. "I'll marry you."

Jimmy kissed her passionately as he slipped the ring on her finger. "I love you, Lou," he said as they broke the kiss.

Lou smiled, still in shock. "I love you too, Jimmy." She put her head back on his chest, as they continued dancing. Everything felt so right at that moment and Lou couldn't believe how happy she finally was.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Zach cursed himself for taking too long to get ready. He had been called away suddenly when he had been told one of the horses he had bred, broke and trained had wound up in the hands of an abusive owner. He took pride in the clientele he kept, and couldn't believe he sold this man two of his finest horses instead of trusting his instincts.

Now he was glad to be home so he could enjoy these last few days with his daughter before she started her new life. As he descended the staircase to the parlor where the engagement party was well underway, he smiled at the turnout.

"Daddy!" Helen said as she ran to him and hugged him.

"Sorry I'm late, honey," he said, smiling and kissing her forehead. He looked at his future son-in-law and smiled. "Welcome back, J.J.. I hope your parents aren't upset too much for my not being here to meet them."

J.J. shook his head. "Not at all. They're lookin' forward to meeting you."

As the trio approached the dancing couple, Zach stopped in his tracks. It had been twenty years, but even with the shaggy hair, beard and mustache, he'd recognize him anywhere. "Jimmy," he whispered.

That's when he noticed the girl in his arms. Even after all this time, he'd know her even from behind. She still haunted his dreams at night, even though he'd tried too hard to forget about her. Tried to deny she ever existed in his life and how even now, she still had an effect on him he couldn't explain.

Jimmy saw Helen and J.J. walking towards them and he felt as if he suddenly couldn't breathe. "No," he said shaking his head. "It can't be."

"Jimmy? What's wrong?" Lou asked, noticing almost immediately when Jimmy's body tensed. She looked up and saw him staring at someone behind her, and she slowly turned to see. Her eyes grew wide and the last thing she remembered was whispering "Kid" before losing consciousness.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Lou woke up from her horrible dream to raised voices. She had dreamed that just moments after she had accepted Jimmy's proposal, she saw Kid and her world came crashing down.

"Damn it, Jimmy!" Kid cursed. "Don't stand there and lecture me. I didn't know, I swear."

Lou groaned as she realized it wasn't a dream. She was in Kid's house and her son was about to marry his daughter. Why now? She questioned herself. Why now after twenty years? Just when I'd let him go and was ready to move on with Jimmy.

"Lou?" Jimmy said as he rushed to her side. When she lost consciousness from the shock of seeing Kid after all this time, Jimmy did the first thing that came to his mind – he punched Kid. He hadn't meant to cause a scene, but he felt even worse when Helen screamed and ran to her father's side.

"Maybe I should get Doc Miller. I don't think he's left yet." Kid headed for the door.

"No!" Lou said sitting up. "I'm not eighteen anymore, Kid, and you gave up the right to care about me the day you left."

Her words stung. "I know that, Lou. But when someone passes out in my house, I can't help but be concerned. No matter who it is."

"Daddy?" Helen asked as she entered the sitting room. "Is everything alright?"

"Mom?" J.J. asked, wondering the same thing.

"She doesn't know, does she?" Jimmy glared.

Kid shook his head. "That was a lifetime ago. Samantha and I decided..."

"More like she did," Lou mumbled.

Kid shot Lou a silencing look. "Everything's fine, honey. Why don't you go see to whatever guests are still here, offer my apologies, and then I'll come talk to you shortly."

Helen let J.J. lead her out of the room with his arm around her waist. Kid turned to Jimmy.

"Can I talk to Lou alone, please?" he asked Jimmy.

Jimmy shook his head. "You have a lot of nerve askin' that! You think after twenty years you can just walk back into our lives and expect to pick up where you left off?" he put his hand possessively on Lou's shoulder. "It's too late."

Lou shrugged away from him. "Damn it! We're not back at the bunkhouse. So would you two please stop fightin' over me?" Lou stood up and walked out of the room.

Kid started after her, but Jimmy held him back. "You should know to leave her alone when she's like this. That hasn't changed."

"I wouldn't know," Kid said shaking his head, as he sat down in a chair. "I'm still tryin' to figure out how this happened."

~~~ *~* ~~~

Lou couldn't go back to the room she shared with Jimmy, nor could she go back to the party. She quietly left the house and walked over to the corral. There she watched a foal nurse from its mother and it took her back to when she rode for the Express. Anytime she needed to think, she would go out, sit on the fence and spend hours watching the horses. But in the dress she was wearing, she knew sitting on the fence was impossible, so she just leaned against it with her head resting on her arms on the top rail.

J.J. walked out of the house and saw the figure leaning against the coral .

"Mom?" he said coming up behind her. He grew worried as he heard her quietly sobbing.

Lou quickly picked her head up and wiped her tears when she heard her son's voice. "Hey," she said weakly. "How's Helen?"

"Confused, like me," he said as he put his foot up on the lower rail and leaned against it like his mother. "Her father's talkin' to her now. She had no idea he had a different life before her mother." He paused, trying to think of a way to ask what was on his mind without upsetting her even more. "He's Kid, isn't he?"

Lou nodded.

"I'm sorry, mom. Had I known..."

"It's not your fault, honey," she said interrupting, knowing what he was thinking. "You can't help who you love," she said, remembering Jimmy's advice. "You and Helen deserve to be happy together. Don't let what happened in my past ruin what you two have now."

They stood in silence watching the horses until Jimmy came up behind Lou, wrapping his arms around her waist. "Are you comin' to bed soon?" he whispered in her ear.

J.J. rolled his eyes at his parents' behavior. At times they acted worse than he and Helen did. "Do you two mind? As much as I wanted one when I was younger, I'd hate to have a brother the same time I have my first child."

"Did you tell him?" Jimmy asked. Lou shook her head.

"Oh no," J.J. said, horrified. "Please tell me you're not."

Lou chuckled as she realized what her son was thinking. "No," she shook her head. "But if that were to happen again, at least this time we'll be married." She held out her hand and showed him the ring.

"You're not married already?" Kid asked as he walked towards the group. "I thought..."

"That's none of your business," Lou hissed. "You lost that right the day you chose your principles over me."

"At least I have principles," Kid retorted.

J.J. huffed. "At least they told me the truth about their past, unlike you! I've never seen Helen so upset before. Tell me. Did you tell her that you had to marry her mother? That you left mine for hers so for most of the past twenty years, she couldn't help but still love..."

"Yeah, Kid," Lou said interrupting her son quickly. "Besides, Jimmy and I thought it was safer with his reputation."

"What? He's suddenly no longer ‘Wild Bill'?"

Jimmy lunged at Kid, but Lou held him back.

"Stop it!" Helen yelled running over to everyone, dressed only in her nightgown. "Everyone just stop fighting, please!" She ran to J.J.'s arms and buried her tear stained face in his chest.

"See what you've all done!" J.J. yelled. "This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in our life, and all the three of you can do is think about yourselves!"

The three adults felt horrible as they heard J.J. whisper soothing words to the woman he loved. Both men looked at each other and thought how many times they had done the same for Lou.

"Your son is right," Kid admitted. "What happened between us happened twenty years ago. We should be able to put it behind us, at least for their sake."

Jimmy nodded. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"Me too," Lou added before turning to Jimmy. "It would be a better example for them if I stayed in another room."

"I didn't mean it that way, Lou." Kid said.

"Besides, they both know you've shared a room with both of us and five other guys before," Jimmy added. "And you weren't married to any of us."

"That's different, and my mind is made up," she told them.

Knowing Lou wasn't going to change her mind, the group moved back to the house to get her settled into her new room and then turn in for the night.

Chapter 6

Lou hardly slept that night, and when she finally did around dawn, her dreams were full of Kid. She slept through breakfast and as soon as she bathed and dressed, was in the kitchen to work on the cake for the wedding.

"Lou?" Helen asked, walking into the kitchen. "You missed breakfast, are you hungry?"

Lou shook her head. "I'm fine, thank you."

"Are you sure?" Helen walked towards the pantry. "It won't take me long. I can make something quick."

"Really." She could tell the young woman was nervous and needed to talk. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Is it that obvious?" Helen sighed as she sat down at the table. "Well..." she started, not sure where to start. "So you knew my daddy? Back when he was younger?"

"Very well," Lou answered. "He was more than just my best friend."

"Did you know my momma too?"

"I'd only seen her a coupla times," Lou said, biting her tongue. She knew the girl missed her mother and telling her what she thought of Samantha wouldn't be a good thing.

"Did they really love each other?"

Lou groaned. She did not want to be having this conversation. She wanted to yell "No, your father loved me! He just married her because she was pregnant," but refrained. "I'm sure they did," she said sadly. Obviously he had to love her, she thought. They had two more children. Kid wouldn't have been with her if he didn't feel something.

"I miss her," Helen said, trying not to cry.

Lou nodded. "You know, my momma died when I was young too. I still miss her."

"Does it ever get any easier?"

"In time, but the pain never completely goes away when someone you love leaves you."

The two women remained silent for awhile before Lou spoke again.

"It must've been hard to learn about your father and me like that, last night. I'm sorry."

Helen shrugged. "Not your fault. But yeah, it was. All my life I'd been told one thing, and then I suddenly learned my father had an entire life before my momma that he never talked about."

"I'm sure he had his reasons," Lou told her, curious as to what those reasons were herself. "Did he say why he didn't tell you before?"

"Just that he and Momma decided it was best not to tell us about the things that happened before they were married."

How can he be so ashamed of his past? Lou thought. Why would he want to forget being a part of the history we made? Why would he not want to remember what we shared?

Lou felt ashamed for her thoughts. After all, she and Jimmy had left out parts of their pasts to J.J. until recently.

"Sometimes parents do what they think is best for their children. There were things J.J. didn't know until recently."

"Like what?" Helen asked curiously.

"Never mind," Lou said playfully.

"Lou, can I ask you something?"

Lou could tell by the way Helen was sitting that this was not going to be an easy discussion for either of them. "Sure, what's up?"

"Well when momma died, Daddy told me the basics... but I was wondering... with my wedding night and all... well..."

"What to expect?"

The young girl nodded. "Most of my married friends have told me how horrible it is. How it hurts and how it doesn't last long... but they keep doing it because they have to. Momma and Daddy always told me that my wedding night should be special. But how can I make it special if it's like that?"

Lou felt horrible for the young girl, but then she didn't know anything about sex until she worked for Wicks. Then she learned too much, too fast and in the wrong way.

"Maybe I'm not the best person to ask," Lou said distractedly.

"Well obviously it was different for you, since you haven't had a wedding night," Helen smiled with a wink. "But you had to have experienced it at some point, otherwise J.J. wouldn't be here. What was it like with Jimmy?"

"Well, Jimmy and I weren't each other's first," Lou said softly, eliciting a small gasp from the surprised woman. "Now don't get the wrong idea, things were different back then, and Jimmy and I had known each other for quite some time. The greatest love you'll ever experience is the love you share with your best friend."

"J.J. is my best friend," Helen said happily. "But what was your first time like?"

Lou had always considered her first time was that night in Redfern with Kid. It was the first time she had given herself to someone, and despite his inexperience, it had been the most beautiful thing in the world.

"Well, there was some pain and discomfort for me," Lou answered honestly. "And your father..."

Helen gasped loudly and her eyes grew wide. Lou immediately realized Kid didn't tell her everything.

"You and daddy?" Helen asked in disbelief.

Lou sat the batter she was working on aside and went to sit at the table next to her. "I take it he didn't mention that part," Lou said, both angry and sad at the same time. Helen shook her head and Lou placed her hand on top of hers. "I'm sorry you're just now learnin' all this stuff."

"It's not your fault," Helen sighed. "It's just hard findin' out everything you knew your whole life is a lie."

"Not everything," Lou said. "Your father loves you, that's obvious. So that wasn't a lie."

Helen nodded, but still wasn't comforted. "They had to get married, didn't they? I always wondered about that."

Lou debated whether or not she'd said too much as it is, so she just nodded.

"Were you two... together when it happened?"

"No, no," Lou answered, trying to reassure her. "Your father was never unfaithful to me or to your mother. He met your mother after we had broken up." Lou wasn't about to add that she and Kid had decided to try again when he learned about Helen's brother. As Lou sat across from her soon to be daughter-in-law, she wished there was some way she could help ease her pain.

"Mornin'," Kid said entering through the back door. He crossed over to his daughter and kissed the top of her head. He looked up at Lou and smiled. "Hey." When neither woman said anything, he grew worried. "What's goin' on in here?"

"Just havin' a little chat woman to woman," Lou answered.

"Helen?" Kid asked concerned. "Why didn't you come to me? We've always been able to talk about anything."

"Kid," Lou warned.

"You wanna know why?" Helen yelled, jumping up from her seat. "Maybe because you've lied to me my whole life, Kid." The last word came out as a hiss and she ran from the room.

Kid collapsed into the chair his daughter just vacated. "Guess I really screwed things up, didn't I?"

Lou shrugged and went back to mixing the cake batter.

"Don't judge me, Lou. We did what we thought was best," Kid said, irritated.

"I'm not judging what you did," Lou answered. "Just how you've been handling it. She's scared, angry and confused because everything she knew was wrong."

"Why am I explaining myself to you? What business is it of yours?"

Lou sighed. "It's my business because she's about to marry my son. Whether we like it or not, we're about to become a family again."

Kid snorted. "And you all thought I was the naive one. We were never a family, just a bunch of orphans thrown together."

Lou gasped. "So none of what happened back then means anything to you?" Lou said, shocked. "You don't think that it helped make you who you are now? If this is the man you've become, I'm glad you left me."

Lou couldn't hide the hurt she was feeling and threw the wooden spoon down on the counter, splintering it into several pieces before running from the room before he could see the tears starting to fall.

Chapter 7

Lou and Kid avoided each other for the rest of the day and Jimmy suspected something was wrong. Lou had insisted she and Jimmy go into town for dinner so she didn't have to face him.

"Lou, what's goin' on with you?" Jimmy asked. After breakfast, Jimmy and J.J. had gone into town and when they returned, Lou was curled up in her bed.

"I was thinkin'... I know we wanted to wait until after Helen and J.J. got married, but I think tomorrow we should just go find the Justice of the Peace."

"Does this have to do with Kid? I know seeing him again hasn't been easy. I'm sure it's bringing up a lot of memories and..."

"It doesn't matter," Lou replied.

"Lou," Jimmy said reaching across the table and taking her hands in his. "If you still have feelings for him..."

"Then I'd be a fool," she responded. "None of us ever mattered to him," she said sadly. "He said we were the naïve ones thinkin' we were a family back then."

Jimmy's angered boiled up inside him and he was glad that Kid wasn't there. He may have left behind his Wild Bill reputation, but at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to call Kid out. "He's the fool."

"So what do you say? Are we gettin' married tomorrow?"

"As much as I'd love to say yes, it wouldn't be fair to the others. This is Helen and J.J.'s special time and you know Rachel would kill us."

Lou nodded. "I guess you're right."

"There's a first time for everything. If you're still serious about this in a few days, and not just wanting to get back at Kid, then the day after their wedding, with our family still here, I'd be honored to become your husband."

"Thanks, Jimmy. I don't know what I would've done without you all this time."

Suddenly guilt hit him like a punch to the stomach. If it weren't for me, Jimmy thought. Then we would've never had a son who's about to marry the daughter of the only man you've ever truly loved.

Jimmy cursed himself for thinking that. J.J. and Lou were two of the best things that ever happened to him. Lou would never forgive him for thinking those things, but he still couldn't help but wonder how their lives would've turned out if things had been different for all of them.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Later that night, Lou couldn't sleep so she went to walk around the grounds. More than anything she wished she could saddle a horse and go riding, but there was no way she was about to ask Kid for anything – including permission to use one of his horses.

Winding up back at the corral where she watched the mother and foal, she thought back to Jimmy's proposal. She had always wanted more children, but she figured after so long, it wasn't meant to be.

"At least someday you'll have grandchildren instead," Lou said out loud to herself.

"That may be sooner than you think!" Kid said angrily coming up behind her. "I just caught my daughter throwing herself at your son. Do you know what would've happened had I not walked in on them?"

Lou turned to look at him. "Don't you dare blame J.J.!"

"I'm not. Helen told me about your little talk with her so I blame you!"

Lou looked as if he'd slapped her. "For your information, according to J.J. this isn't the first time she's tried. Maybe if you'd told her more than just the basics..."

"So now you're tryin' to tell me how I should've raised my daughter? Do you know how hard it was for me to raise her on my own? Of course not, you had Jimmy by your side while you raised J.J."

"You think you know everything don't you? Even after twenty years you think you know me as well as you used to? Well you're wrong, Kid."

"So how long after I left did it take for you to jump into his bed? Tell me? Did you miss me or were you with him that night as soon as I left?"

"Let me tell you something, Kid. I could hardly function after you left. I missed you so much and if it hadn't been for Jimmy... No, Kid, I didn't immediately jump into bed with him. But he was there for me when you weren't!"

She turned to leave, but Kid grabbed her arm.

"You left me, just remember that. So you have no right to get upset if I slept with Jimmy or everyone else in that bunkhouse!"

"I didn't mean..."

"And for your information, Jimmy wasn't there for me the entire time!" She longed to tell him why, but refrained. "He popped in and out of our lives whenever he felt like it. Whenever he needed..." Lou stopped when she realized she'd almost said too much and looked away.

Kid heard the pain in her voice and took a step forward. "When he needed what, Lou?" he asked quietly.

"What does it matter, Kid? You left me for Samantha so you have no say in what I did or do."

"You think I wanted to? You don't think I haven't wished every day of my life that I could go back and change things?"

"Yeah right. Remember, you're the one who said we were never a family. Do you know how bad that hurt me?"

"I said that because it was true. I wrote to you guys... wrote to you after I left, but I never heard back. You guys forgot about me the day I left."

Lou shook her head. "We never got any letters from you and you never responded to ours. You never responded to mine," she said quietly. "You say you wish you could change the way things were, but it's obvious you never loved me at all. What we shared may have been the best thing to ever happen to me, but it meant nothing to you!"

Kid pulled her closer to him and gently placed a hand on either side of her face. "That's not true. There's not a day that hasn't gone by in twenty years where I haven't thought about you and how much I still love you."

"Yeah? You sure have a funny way of showing it!"

Lou tried pulling away, but Kid refused to let her go. Before either one realized it, Kid's lips captured hers in a demanding but loving kiss.

From the balcony of his room, Jimmy heard raised voices coming from out by the barn and looked to see what was going on. The last thing he expected was his fiancé in a passionate embrace with her ex lover. He sighed and turned to head back inside.

Lou pulled back from Kid and slapped him across the face. "I'm not yours anymore, Kid, those days are over. Jimmy and I are gettin' married and nothing you can say or do will change that!'

Lou turned to run into the house, leaving a confused Kid standing there.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Lou threw herself down on her bed crying. She couldn't believe after all this time Kid's kisses could still have that much of an effect on her. When his lips captured hers, she felt as if she were transported back twenty years to another corral where they shared their first kiss. Her lips still tingled.

"Lou?"

At the sound of Jimmy's voice, Lou sat up on the bed and wiped her tears away. Oh God, Jimmy, she thought. He'll take one look at me and know.

"Come in," she finally said, trying to compose herself. "Hey," she said weakly when he entered the room.

Jimmy stood in the doorway, watching as Lou sat cross legged, hugging her pillow tightly, her face streaked with tears.

"It's okay to still love him, Lou," Jimmy said quietly.

She violently shook her head. "No it's not. I wasted too much time lovin' him when I should've been loving you. He means nothing to me anymore," she lied.

"That kiss didn't look like it."

Lou gasped. "You saw it?"

Jimmy nodded as he finally came closer and sat down beside her. He turned her face to look at him. "I love you more than anything, Lou, but I can't go through this again. I waited more than twenty years for your heart to be completely mine, but I'm not willin' to share it with him again. He still loves you, doesn't he?"

Lou shrugged. "He says he does but how can he? He made a life with Samantha... He left me and never looked back while I..."

"You moved on too, Lou. You made a life with me and made me a better man for it." He smiled as he gently kissed her forehead. "I've never been able to say no to you, so if you need time to adjust to what's happenin', to decide if you really want to be with me, then I'll give it to you."

She shook her head. "I want you," she said as she pulled his face closer to hers and began unbuttoning his shirt. "I want you to make me forget he ever existed," she whispered before nibbling on his ear.

Jimmy groaned. He knew she was trying to forget the pain Kid could still cause her, but as he finally gave in, he prayed she wouldn't regret it in the morning.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Kid felt horrible for his behavior and after giving Lou some time, he went to her room to apologize. He was about to knock on the door, but the noises coming from inside stopped him. He knew he should turn and walk away, but as he heard her moan Jimmy's name, he was frozen.

It was one thing knowing she and Jimmy were together, but hearing it coming from the room he once shared with his wife was another. After Samantha died, Kid could no longer stay in that room; there were too many memories both good and bad.

Finally able to tear himself away when Jimmy started calling out her name, he headed towards the attic. Once there, he immediately went to the back corner under the eaves and pulled out the box he'd hidden there so long ago. Despite what Lou thought, he'd never forgotten about his days with the Express or about her and what they shared. That had been the best time of his life and he still missed it.

He sat down on the floor and gently opened the box. There on the very top was a flower Lou had given him on their way home from Redfern. They had stopped for awhile to rest the horses and wound up making love in a patch of wild flowers. Afterwards, she had picked the flower from where it had gotten tangled in his hair and handed it to him. Even after they had broken up, he'd kept it under his pillow and would lovingly caress it on the nights he missed her most.

He searched the box but couldn't find the one thing he was looking for – his personal journal. During his days with the Express, those that could read and write were required to keep a journal tracking their rides, activities, etc; for history according to Russell, Majors and Waddell, but most of them kept a personal one as well. His Express one was in the box, but the other wasn't. He knew it was there the last time he looked at the box not too long before Samantha died.

Looking around at the other wooden boxes, most of which Samantha had labeled, he couldn't find it. He was about to give up looking when he found an old carpet bag he never remembered seeing before. He immediately opened it and pulled out its contents. Along with his personal journal, several bundles of letters were in there. Letters he had written to his Express family and ones they had sent him.

Chapter 8

"Mornin' Daddy," Helen said walking into to the kitchen. She stopped when she saw him slumped over the kitchen table; letters and envelopes were scattered on every available surface. She gently shook his shoulders. "Daddy?"

"Lou?" Kid said startled. "Oh baby it's you. What time is it?"

"Close to nine," she said as she went to start some coffee. "Daddy, about last night..."

Kid rose from his seat and kissed the top of her forehead. "It's alright baby. I know things like that happen, it's just hard to see you all grown up. I mean you're gettin' married tomorrow. It seems like it was just yesterday that the doc placed you in my arms," he said sadly. "Walkin' in on you like I did last night... Well it's just gonna take some time getting used to. Besides, your mother and I always taught you..."

"To wait until I got married," she said mocking the words she'd heard all her life. "You didn't."

"That's different, your mother and I..."

"I was talkin' about you and Lou!"

"I don't need to explain myself to you, young lady." Kid walked towards the back door and grabbed his hat. He opened his mouth to say something else but shook his head and then headed outside, slamming the door shut behind him.

Helen bit her lip to keep from crying. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of her life and she should've been happy and excited. Instead she was scared and confused. She sighed as she looked at the mess her father had left on the table and picked up and began to read it.

Kid,

We buried Teaspoon today. Jimmy says he figures with Samantha being so close to giving birth you weren't able to make the trip, but we haven't heard from you since we sent you the telegram. It's hard to believe we've lost another member of the family. First Ike, then you, then Noah and now Teaspoon... But unlike the others, we all wonder why we never hear from you. I guess you've really moved on with your life, but I still miss you. There's not a day that doesn't go by I don't think about you, even though I know I shouldn't.

Helen stopped reading, and wondered who all these people were. Who was Ike? Who was Noah? Who was Teaspoon? She wished more than anything he would talk to her about the life he'd left behind.

She started to clean the table off when she found a journal buried underneath the papers. She knew she needed to get breakfast started for their guests, but she couldn't resist opening the worn book.

April 19, 1860

A girl! I found Lou injured earlier today and when I went to check his wounds, I found something I never expected to see. As I sit here keeping vigil over him her, I don't know... I've never met a girl like her before and it scares me. Suddenly I'm having all these feelings. I want to keep her safe... want to know why she's disguised as a boy... I'll probably never know.

Helen's mouth fell open and curiosity got the better of her so she flipped ahead.

November 1860

Today is Thanksgiving and I have a lot to give thanks for this year. I have an honest job, wonderful friends who are like a family to me, and of course Lou. Ever since we "danced", my love for her grows stronger every day. I never imagined love could be like this and I can't imagine my life without her in it. When she's not lying in my arms I feel lost without her but when she is, I feel guilty about what we are doing. I've mentioned marriage but she never takes me seriously. I just hope what we're doing doesn't lead to consequences we're not ready for.

Helen quickly closed the journal as she heard movement from upstairs. She placed everything into the carpet bag she found under the table and put it near the hallway so she could take the journal and letters to her room after breakfast.

~~~ *~* ~~~

After a late breakfast, which Helen repeatedly apologized for, she retreated to her room to continue reading. She knew her dad would get mad at her for reading them, but it was the only link she had to his past, to the man he used to be that he never talked about.

With the carpet bag beside her, she sat on the bed and picked up a stack of letters still wrapped in a ribbon. She recognized her father's handwriting on the outside immediately and wondered why they were never mailed.

Lou,

Thomas Jeremiah was born almost a month ago and every time I see him I think of Jeremiah and Teresa. I wonder if they remember me, what they would look like now, and if they're living with you or at the orphanage.

Helen gasped wondering who Teresa and Jeremiah were. Could her father have children out there he left behind? Why didn't J.J. ever mention having a brother and sister? Did he not know?

But part of me wonders if he's really mine. With Samantha's parentage, it doesn't surprise me he was darker than we expected, but there's nothing to indicate he's my son. His eyes are darker than Samantha's and the hair is lighter than mine. I'm scared to ask her for fear of upsetting her, but I'm even more scared of the truth. Thinking he was mine, I left behind the one thing I loved more than I ever could have imagined.

The fact he was nearly a month early also has me wondering. After helping Martha when Samantha was giving birth, part of me is glad I don't have to watch you suffer that kind of pain and agony...

Helen tried to remember what Tommy had looked like, but over the years, the memories of her older brother had faded. She did remember that she and Zach Jr. would pick on him because he didn't have their daddy's eyes like they did.

Could it be? She thought. Would momma have told him the child she was carrying was his even if it wasn't?

Samantha's even already talking about having another child so soon. I'm still not sure if I love her or not. I know I could never love her like I love you, but we are married now, so I guess it's my marital duty as a husband to lie with her. And the few times we have I feel guilty because she's not the one I think of.

But to be a loving husband and a good provider, I know I must. When I've tried telling her no in the past, I've always given in because I seem to have hurt her feelings.

That day we found out... you told me I'd wake up one day and I will have forgotten all about you, but that day has yet to happen. I know deep in my heart, I will never forget the one true love I've ever known but lost because of principles I'm not even sure I believe in anymore.

Kid

By the time Helen finished, she was crying uncontrollably. She and her mother had never really gotten along, and her behavior lately made her think she was more like her mother than she ever wanted.

J.J. went to knock on Helen's door but heard her crying inside. He opened the door to find her head buried in her hands and her shoulders shaking. "Helen, are you okay?" he asked, going to sit beside her on the bed.

"You know you're not supposed to be in here," she said pushing him away. "You heard daddy last night when he said he'd kill you."

"I came to see if you wanted to go ridin' and heard you crying. What's wrong?" He looked around at the piles on her bed and picked up a letter. "What's all this?"

Helen immediately grabbed it back and J.J. growled as the paper tore into his skin. "I'm sorry," she said, realizing she'd hurt him.

"It's just a paper cut," he said. He caressed her head lovingly, trying to reassure her.

Still upset by the letter she had read, she quickly threw everything back into the carpet bag and stood. "I never meant to hurt you," she said before running out the door and down the stairs, determined to find her father.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Helen watched as her father worked in the far corral breaking in a new colt. So many questions were running through her mind, and as much as she didn't want to know the answers, she needed to.

Kid looked and saw his daughter watching him and smiled. Before she went off to college, she would often beg to help. But now he missed those days, and tomorrow his baby girl would be getting married and starting a life of her own.

"Want to help?" he asked, smiling when she didn't answer but just crawled between the boards. Kid handed her the lead rope and watched her work in silence for several minutes. "So what do you want to talk about?" he asked curiously.

"What makes you think I want to talk?"

"Because most of the time when you want to help me break in a horse you usually have something on your mind."

Helen nodded but didn't speak for a few minutes. Finally she did. "Am I your daughter?" she asked so quietly Kid barely heard her.

"What? Of course you are! What makes you think?" Realization finally hit him. "You read the letters."

"I didn't mean to. I just started to read one and then... I read your journal too. Please don't be mad at me," she sobbed. "There's just so much about your past life I don't know."

Kid crossed and pulled her into his arms. "I'm not mad, baby," he said, stroking her hair.

"Am I?"

Kid pulled back and looked at her. He saw blue eyes just like his own staring back, filling with tears. "Tommy may not have been mine, but you and Zach were. There was never any question to that."

"So momma lied to you? She told you Tommy was yours when he wasn't?"

Kid took a deep breath before continuing. "Your momma wasn't sure at first, and even after he was born, she kept saying he was mine. She wanted to believe it was true."

"When did you learn for sure that he wasn't?"

"Right before she died."

Kid remembered the conversation as if it were yesterday; Samantha pale and frail lying on their bed. She whispered apologies and words of love before confessing about Tommy, and he remembered for the first time, not being able to say he loved her back. Despite her deception, which he'd known in his heart for some time, he had grown to love her in his own way. She had given him two more children and there was no doubt that he was their father.

"Did you ever regret marryin' her?"

"I did for awhile, but then you came along," he smiled. "And I knew then it was all worth it. Your mother and I may have had our problems, many of which you were way too young to understand, but I wouldn't trade you for all the horses in the world."

"Not even for Lou?"

"Not even for all the Lou's in the world."

"Are you gonna show her the letters?"

Kid shook his head. "There's no point to it. I was a different person back then. It wouldn't do anything but bring her pain. They have a son together. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and she's happy with Jimmy."

"But they never married, aren't you curious as to why?" Helen persisted.

"Baby, just let it go. If you want to keep the letters and journal, that's fine. Otherwise, just put them back up in the attic."

Helen pouted and started to open her mouth to say something but decided against it. Kid chuckled.

"Sometimes you're just like your momma. Every time you pout you act just like her."

Helen gasped and suddenly turned and ran back to the house leaving Kid wondering what he'd said to upset her this time.

Chapter 9

That night dinner was tense and everyone was worried about Helen, who claimed a headache and decided to stay in her room. J.J. was especially worried because she'd hardly said more than two words to him since she'd run out of her bedroom earlier that afternoon. He was scared she was having second thoughts about the wedding and couldn't bear to think of life without her.

"May I be excused?" he asked as soon as he was finished eating. "I want to take a plate up to Helen and check on her." He chuckled at the look Kid sent him. "I promise to keep the door open," he said, blushing.

"Make sure that you do," Kid warned. "Tell her I'll be up in a bit to check on her."

The young man nodded and hurried out of the room taking a plate of food with him.

"Kid," Jimmy started. "You're bein' too hard on them."

"Am I?" He asked looking at the couple across from him. "I'm tryin' to do what's best for my daughter. I don't want them making the same mistake I did," he said, refusing to look Lou in the eye.

"We want what's best for J.J. too," Lou added. "They love each other and they want to be together. What's wrong with that?"

Kid finally looked her in the eyes. "You know why," he said quietly.

"It was different for us. We were young and..."

"We were the same age they are," Kid retorted. "Like you once said, we just went too far too fast. I don't want that happenin' to my daughter."

Lou gasped at his harsh words. She pushed her chair back from the table and stood up. "I'll finish the cake later. With your attitude, it's no wonder your own daughter doesn't want to eat dinner with you!"

Jimmy watched as she stormed out of the room and shook his head. "You're an idiot, you know that?"

"Back off, Jimmy!"

"Not this time, Kid. I saw you two kissing last night so don't sit there and act like she doesn't matter to you anymore. Do you want to know why she never married me?"

"You never asked?" he answered sarcastically.

Jimmy longed to reach across the table and beat the living daylights out of the man he once considered a brother. "No, it was because of you."

"Whatever you say," Kid said as he stood up and cleared the table.

Jimmy stood as well and forced Kid to look at him. "Do you know what it's like to love someone for twenty years with all your heart and for her not to love you the same way? She never gave me her heart completely because she still loved you. But you know what? By the time she finally decides to let herself trust enough to be with me completely, you show up back in her life and treat her as if nothing you two ever shared mattered to you and treat her like she's nothing all over again."

"I never asked her to keep lovin' me. I moved on because I had no other choice, and I expected her to do the same."

"You don't get it. You showed her what love was, what is was meant to be like, and then what you did was worse than what Wicks..." Jimmy closed his mouth quickly, realizing he almost said too much. "Never mind."

"Wicks what?" Kid asked, concerned. He remembered the name from Lou's nightmares but could never get her to talk about it.

"What do you care? Look, we're here until the wedding and after that we're gone. Stay away from her until then and I swear if you hurt her..."

"I never meant to hurt her, Jimmy," Kid admitted.

Jimmy sighed as he saw the sincerity in his friends' eyes. "Just see that you don't hurt her anymore."

~~~ *~* ~~~

After the house grew quiet for the night, Lou headed down to the kitchen to take out the last cake that was baking. She had just put the two pies she was making into the oven to cook and was going over the sketches she made for the cake decorations when she got lost in thought looking out the window.

Kid wandered down to the kitchen desperately needing a glass of warm milk or anything else to help him sleep. He was ashamed of his behavior towards his daughter, to J.J., to Jimmy and more importantly to Lou.

He sighed when he entered the kitchen. "Helen, shouldn't you be sleepin'?" He said, crossing to the window. He placed his hand on her shoulder. "Tomorrow's gonna be a busy and important day for you."

Lou jumped at the contact and immediately turned. "Busy yes," she grinned. "But as important as it is for Helen."

Kid blushed as he realized it wasn't his daughter. He swallowed hard when he realized all she was wearing was a white nightgown that looked even better on her than the one she wore their first night together.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I thought you were Helen."

Lou bit her lip as she started at his bare chest and realized he was wearing only long john bottoms. His body had always had an effect on her, but over the past twenty years, he was even more muscular, more built, and even sexier than before.

Stop that! She chastised herself. You're with Jimmy now. You'll be gettin' married soon.

"No problem," she reassured him. "Just tryin' to finish getting the cakes ready to be decorated in the morning. I hope I didn't wake you, I didn't think I was makin' much noise."

Kid shook his head and crossed to the ice box. "Couldn't sleep," he said as he pulled out a bottle of milk. "Mind if I use the stove?"

"It's your house," she said quietly. She handed him the saucepan she'd used and cleaned earlier.

"Thanks," he said. He lit the stove and poured some milk into the pan. He looked over at her sketches and smiled. "Are those the designs for the cakes? They're beautiful."

"Thanks. I wanted to do something special for them, and I know how much they both like horses. I just designed it where there were horses running around the side of the cake on one, and two horses standing together with their foal on the other."

Kid wondered if it was a coincidence that the one with the foal looked very similar to a combination of Katy and Lightning. As she went back to sketching, Kid couldn't help but notice the changes to her that had occurred over the past twenty years. She was no longer the skinny little runt everyone first thought before they learned her secret. She had filled out nicely in all the right places, and he silently cursed himself for the thoughts that entered his head and his body's reaction to them.

"Your milk's burnin'," Lou told him.

"Damn," he said as he removed the saucepan from the stove. He then reached into the cabinet beside her for a glass. He blushed as his elbow brushed against her breast. "Sorry."

Lou smiled and tried to ignore the effect that simple incident had on her. "No problem."

Kid nodded and went to sit at the table. "Lou, I wanted to apologize for earlier. You were right. With the mood I've been in these past few days, it's no wonder my own daughter doesn't want my company."

"Well me and Jimmy showin' up like we did couldn't have been easy. It's no wonder you're so on edge."

"I should've been able to figure it out though. When J.J. told me his last name and where he was from... I thought it was a coincidence. I figured you had probably moved closer to your brother and sister, gotten married, had a different last name..."

"Well at least you had a name to go by. We always knew you as Kid and you said you and Samantha were movin' to Charlotte."

"We moved down here when the fightin' got bad," he explained. "It also made me a lot closer to many of my clients and contacts so I wouldn't have to be gone from the family so long."

"So you and Samantha were happy together?"

Kid thought he heard pain in her voice as she asked the question. "Eventually," he lied. Not wanting to talk about Samantha, he changed the subject by asking, "So how did you learn to cook like this? We all used to tease you about your cookin'."

"After the Express ended, I didn't have too many choices. Noah died, Cody was going off as a scout for the war and Jimmy was thinkin' about it. Since Rachel had taken over as the school teacher, someone needed to cook for Teaspoon, Buck and Jimmy, so she offered to teach me. I'm still not that great of a cook, but I really took to bakin'."

"Well if those pies that I'm smellin' are any indication, I can believe it." He finished his glass of milk and carried the empty glass to the sink. "Jimmy's a lucky guy, I'm glad he makes you happy."

"He's been a great friend to me all these years."

Kid noticed she didn't say she loved him. She has to, he thought. She wouldn't have been with him, had his child, and agreed to marry him if she didn't. He realized as he watched her leaning over the counter that he never really stopped loving her. That he wanted her as much now as he did twenty years ago.

"I guess I better get to bed," he said before doing something he knew he'd regret. "I'll see ya in the morning."

"Night," she said, wishing he would stay. Instead he left her alone in the kitchen once again. She was taking the pies out a little while later when she heard someone behind her.

"Forget something?"

"Lou?" Helen asked. "Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

"Shouldn't you be sleepin'? Tomorrow's gonna be a long day for you."

Helen nodded. "I know but this is kinda important."

Lou placed the pies on the counter and took a seat at the table. The young woman sat down across from her and placed a carpet bag on the table.

"You have to promise that daddy will never know what I'm about to give you." Helen begged.

Lou's curiosity was piqued. "I can't promise you until I see it. If it's something he needs to know about..."

Helen shook her head. "Daddy already knows about them, he just doesn't know I'm giving them to you." She reached into the bag and pulled out the stack of letters that were meant for her. "J.J. mentioned you guys always wondered why daddy never wrote to you after he left. Well he did but apparently momma never allowed them in the mail." Helen hung her head down. "Or gave him the ones you guys sent."

Lou gasped loudly.

"I know you're with Jimmy now," she continued. "But I thought you still might want them." Helen slid the stack across to Lou. "For what it matters, daddy really loved you, and from his journal, I know you loved him too."

Lou could only nod as she held the stack in her hand. "He was more than my best friend," she finally added sadly.

Helen smiled and then stood to leave Lou alone with the letters.

All this time you thought he didn't care anymore, Lou thought trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. She pulled out a letter from the middle of the stack and began to read it. She smiled as she read thinking it was almost as if Kid had heard her when she wrote to him because he often wondered the same thing.

Placing the letter back on the stack, she took them back to her room and settled down for a long night of reading and wondering what could have been.

Chapter 10

Lou cried herself to sleep near dawn after reading and rereading the letters. For the past twenty years, she made herself believe Kid no longer loved her; that's how she was able to move on even though it wasn't easy. But reading the letters, she realized that was never the case. Her heart was torn at the thought the man she loved for so long might still love her when she finally had decided to give her heart to the father of her son.

Jimmy knocked on Lou's door worried. Normally she'd come say goodnight before turning in, but she hadn't the night before. When she didn't answer, he quietly opened the door and found her curled in a ball on the bed surrounded by letters. He picked one up and began reading it, his heart sinking with each sentence.

He saw Lou shift in her sleep, replaced the letter next to her, and then kissed her on the forehead. He smiled as her eyes fluttered open and she smiled back.

"Mornin'," he said as if he hadn't read the letter.

"What time is it?" she asked, still half asleep.

"I need to leave soon so I can pick up the others at the train station. Figured when you weren't in the kitchen, you were still asleep."

"Oh no! I overslept." She quickly scrambled off the bed as she stripped off her nightgown.

Jimmy wanted nothing more than to pick her up and carry her back to bed; her naked body always had that effect on him. Instead, he turned towards the door and tried to think about all the things that they needed to do to prepare for the wedding, now only hours away.

"I take it you got the cakes finished?"

Lou jumped up and down trying to get her pants on. "I finished bakin' them, but I still need to frost and then paint the designs. Are you sure you'll be alright goin' to the station alone?" she asked as she finished buttoning her shirt. "I can ask J.J. to go with you." When he didn't reply, she looked over at him. "Jimmy? You can turn around now."

Jimmy turned. "Sorry, you know the effect you have on me and I know there's too much for you to do to be distracted."

Lou chuckled and crossed to him. "Well tonight, after the wedding," she said running her finger down his face. "You can distract me all you want."

"Really?" he asked, unsure.

"Of course," she grinned seductively. "Why not?"

"I know you've been busy lately and..."

She playfully slapped his arm. "But tonight, everything will be over with and we can talk about our wedding."

All doubts flew out of his mind as he heard the excitement over their wedding. "Good. Although I'd rather talk about our honeymoon." He began kissing her earlobe and worked his way down her neck as he began to unbutton her shirt. "Maybe I should have J.J. go get the others."

"Jimmy, the cakes," she moaned as her body began to respond to his touch. "We can't right now."

Jimmy pulled back and nodded. "You drive me crazy, woman."

"Love you too," she said as she pushed him out her door and followed him down the stairs where they parted ways with a kiss

~~~ *~* ~~~

As the frosting set on the cakes, Lou decided to head out to the barn to check on the horses one last time for her cake design. Entering the barn, she wasn't expecting Kid to be grooming horses.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready? Today's your daughter's big day."

"I could ask the same of you," he replied, smiling as she sat down on a bale of hay.

She held up her sketchpad and pencil. "Just goin' over last minute details for the cake. Once I start painting the scenes, if I screw up, it has to stay that way."

"I doubt you'll screw it up, they look great so far."

Lou shrugged, wanting to know more about the letters, but knew now was not the time to be asking. Soon they both went along with their work, but every time Kid looked at her, she turned away embarrassed because she had been looking at him.

"She gave them to you, didn't she?" he sighed, as he put down his tools and sat next to her.

Lou nodded. "Don't get mad at her, I'm glad she did."

"I asked her not to. I know you're with Jimmy now and I didn't want them to complicate things between you."

Lou chuckled. "Trust me, Kid. Jimmy and I have had enough complications without those letters. I just wish Samantha hadn't kept them from us."

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be," he said sadly.

"I'm not sure about that," she said, smiling at him. "It has to be more than just a coincidence that our children are gettin' married."

Kid longed to believe her. Longed to take her into his arms once more and hold her like he had in his dreams, but he knew he could never do that again. She belonged to another man and he had to live with that.

"You belong to Jimmy, now. If it were more than a coincidence that you'd be free."

"You never stopped loving me," she asked, wanting to hear him say it. "Did you?"

Kid shook his head. "I even came back to Rock Creek," he admitted as he looked away.

Lou's eyes grew huge. "When?"

"Not too long after Samantha died. I brought Helen out with me because I wanted her to know everything about who I once was."

"What stopped you? Who did you see? No one ever said anything," she said angrily.

Kid shook his head. "No one knew. We had just arrived in town and I saw you outside of Tompkins and you were with J.J.. I figured you moved on without me like part of me had hoped. But the other part of me... the part of my soul you always held died."

Lou gave in to her buried feelings and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I never stopped lovin' you either, Kid."

Kid groaned as her lips captured his in a passionate kiss. Soon their hands were roaming across each other's bodies as she pulled him down on top of her.

~~~ *~* ~~~

As they were riding back to Kid's house, Jimmy knew he needed to prepare the others for the shock they were about to receive.

"I have some news I think you guys need to know before we get to the house,"

"Lou finally accepted your proposal?" Buck joked.

Jimmy grinned widely. "Well besides that," he said seriously. "But this has to do with Helen."

"What? She's so ugly J.J.'s only marryin' her because he's her best hope?" Cody snickered.

Buck and Rachel both slapped him upside the back of his head.

"Thank you," Jimmy laughed, wishing he'd been in a position to do the same. "No, she's beautiful, but it has to do with her parents."

"Jimmy," Rachel started. "You're worryin' us. What can be so bad about who her parents are."

"Well..." He wasn't sure how to tell them. "Uhm... You know them," he said quietly.

"But how?" Rachel asked confused. "We don't know anyone in these parts." A thought entered her head and she gasped. "It can't be... no..."

Jimmy chuckled. "It is. Trust me, we were as shocked as you."

"Who?" Buck and Cody demanded at the same time.

"I thought you said her father's name was Zach Johnson." Cody said, confused. "I don't know anyone by that name."

Buck finally caught on. "Cody, I think we knew him by another name."

"Kid?" Cody said amazed. "But I thought they moved to Charlotte."

"They moved to Durham not too long before Samantha died," Jimmy explained.

"How's Lou takin' it?" Rachel asked, concerned.

"She's in shock," Jimmy said as they pulled up towards the gates. "They've had some words."

"I can imagine," Cody added. "I'm surprised he's still alive."

"Trust me, the thought has crossed both our minds more than once," he told them as they began to ride to the house.

~~~ *~* ~~~

"Daddy?" Helen called out as she entered the barn. "Daddy, have you seen..." Helen stopped cold at the sight before her. She quickly looked away and was turning to leave when J.J. entered.

"Mom? Mom are you in here? Jimmy and the others..."

"I think we need to stall them," Helen told him trying to pull J.J. out of the barn.

J.J. looked on in shock as his mother and Helen's dad were joined together on the floor of an empty stall.

Kid groaned when he realized they were being interrupted and Lou looked at him in confusion. "Kid? What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

"We have company," he sighed, trying to break free of her embrace.

"What? Who? Jimmy?" Lou looked around and saw their children watching them and blushed. "Uhm, don't you two know it's bad luck to see each other before the wedding?"

"What the hell is going on here?" J.J. demanded.

"J.J.," Kid started. "It's not what it looks like." Kid couldn't help but laugh when J.J. gave him the same annoyed look he used to both love and hate when Lou gave it to him. "Okay it is, but..."

"Jimmy and the others are pullin' up," Helen informed them.

"Oh no!" Lou exclaimed as she scrambled to her feet to find her shirt and pull her pants up.

J.J. grabbed Kid by the shirt and pulled him towards him. "How dare you!" He yelled angrily. "You just couldn't leave her alone, could you? As soon as my dad was gone, you took advantage of her feelings."

Lou gasped at her sons' outburst. "James!"

"You think after twenty years you can just go back to how things were?" he continued. "That you can pick up where you two left off even though she's moved on?"

"You don't know what you're talkin' about," Kid said.

"No? Don't think I haven't noticed the way you've been lookin' at her!"

"It's not what you think, J.J.," Lou tried to tell him. "It just happened." She looked over at Kid and smiled. "And I don't regret it. You know I never stopped lovin' him."

"What about dad?" her son asked.

"What about me?" Jimmy said, walking into the barn. He'd overheard most of the conversation, and even if he wasn't sure what had happened, Lou's disheveled appearance gave it away.

"Jimmy, I..." Kid started.

"Kid, Rachel, Buck and Cody want to see you. Could you leave us alone for a few minutes?"

"I'm sorry," he said before walking outside.

J.J. and Helen started to follow, but Helen remembered the reason she came into the barn to begin with. "Uhm, Lou? I know this probably isn't the best time to ask, but I was wondering if when you were done with the cakes... well I'd be honored if you helped me get ready."

Lou smiled and nodded, glad to see at least Helen was handling the situation. "I'd be the one honored. I'll be there in a little bit."

The young girl nodded and left, leaving Jimmy and Lou alone together.

"You still love him."

"I never stopped," Lou sighed. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Jimmy. It just happened. I never meant..."

Jimmy cupped her face. "I know."

"What are we gonna do now?"

"Do you want to be with him?"

"I don't know," Lou said honestly. "I love you both so much, but both in different ways."

"And Kid's always had the part of you that you were never willing to give me." Jimmy knew that no matter what Lou decided, he was going to lose her. She would either be with Kid or stay with him but never give herself to him completely. "I've gone through this before and I don't think I can do it again. Think long and hard, Lou. I love you, but I can't be with you knowing you won't share yourself completely."

As Jimmy walked out of the barn, Lou sat down on the bale of hay and cried. She had no idea what she was going to do, but she knew one way or the other, once again, someone she loved was going to be hurt.

Chapter 11

With the wedding a little over an hour away, J.J. was a nervous wreck and the tension in the small room of the church wasn't helping. Both his parents were with him, and they'd hardly said anything to each other.

"Maybe this is a bad idea," he said. "It's not too late to cancel the wedding."

"What?" Lou exclaimed. "Why?"

"How can I spend the rest of my life with someone I just met? How do I know it's real? You were together all this time and it turns out it wasn't real. How can I know what I feel is real when I'm not even sure I ever knew what love is."

"Son," Jimmy said, placing his hand on his shoulder. "I know you're nervous, but we've seen the way you two are together. Your mother and I may not have shown you a good example of love, but you two figured it out on your own."

"But what if..."

"Do you love her?" Lou asked.

J.J. nodded.

"Then callin' off the wedding," Lou started. "Is worse than anything Kid ever did to me or anything I ever did to your father."

"You can't forget about your feelings because of what others do or what they want," Jimmy added, as he looked over at Lou. "I still love your mother. I have for over twenty years, but I know she has unfinished business with Kid, and I love her enough to let her work through her feelings not matter what she decides."

"It doesn't hurt that she feels that way?" J.J. asked still not believing even though he had walked in on the proof earlier.

"Of course," Jimmy admitted, looking at the mother of his child and the love of his life. "But I know it hurts her almost as much."

Lou put her hand on Jimmy's arm understandingly. "Feelings can be confusing, J.J., and I don't want to hurt your father. I was finally ready to move on and then all of a sudden those feelings came back like and it was yesterday. I nay need time to figure out what my feelings are, but... If you love Helen as much as you claim, then don't let me and my problems take that from you." Lou started crying and left the room before she made her son feel worse.

"See," J.J. said to his father. "How can I spend the rest of my life making Helen happy when I keep upsetting mom?"

"It's not your fault, son. The problems your mother and I are having are ours, not yours."

"How can you say that? She's the one who went for a roll in the hay. Literally!"

"Don't take that tone with me, young man," Jimmy said sternly. "And I never want to hear you talk about your mother like that again!"

"How is she any better than Helen's mom?"

Even though his son was a man, Jimmy felt like taking him over his knee. "She's nothing like Samantha was! Your mother has always been a loving and caring woman. I knew what I was getting into when we started our relationship, and she wasn't the only one unfaithful."

J.J.'s eyes grew wide in shock. "What? How could you?"

Seeing his so‘s disillusioned look, Jimmy passed a hand over his eyes, regretting that he‘d blurted out more unwelcome information. "It's not something I'm proud of, and it was just one time."

Disgusted, J.J. started to wonder again if there was any point to marriage, after what he'd found out and seen with his own eyes about his and Helen's parents within the last few days. Spitefully, he accused, "Really? All those times you left us and you claim there was only one? Mom might buy that but I don't."

"I love your mother, enough to let her go if that's what she wants. If we want to make her happy," Jimmy said as he walked to the door, "Then you need to live with whatever decision she makes."

J.J. sighed as his father left the room. Could this day get any worse? He thought to himself. He finished getting ready on his own when there was a knock on the door.

"J.J.?" Helen called from the other side. "Can I come in?"

"It's not a good idea," he answered. "We've had enough bad luck as it is today."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," she said sadly. "Maybe we should just postpone the wedding."

"What?" he exclaimed in confusion as he threw open the door.

"Well, with everything that's happened, I just thought that maybe..."

He heard the pain in her voice and pulled her into his arms. "If you don't want to marry me..."

"No! I love you, James Butler McCloud and I'm ready to spend my life with you. But I know with everything that's happened today..."

J.J. smiled and suddenly realized he really did love her. She was willing to sacrifice what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life because of his problems. He shook his head. "I love you too, Helen, and I'm ready to spend my life with you. Besides," he said with a grin and a wink. "I'm ‘specially looking forward to tonight."

Helen shut the door. "Well," she whispered seductively as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "We still have some time before the wedding starts."

~~~ *~* ~~~

Lou and Rachel sat in the front pew of the church crying throughout the ceremony while Buck and Cody sat behind them. Jimmy stood beside J.J. and after Kid gave his daughter away, took a seat on the other side of the church. Even though J.J. looked a lot happier and more confident than he was when she left the room earlier, she still couldn't believe that her little baby was getting married.

Kid kept looking over at Lou wishing she would look at him. They hadn't spoken alone with each other since their children walked in on them, and he wanted to apologize for his behavior. He knew that what had happened this morning was tearing her apart. But once they had started kissing, he hadn't been able to stop and she didn't want to either; he'd asked several times.

But he knew it would cause problems between her and Jimmy and that's the last thing he'd wanted. He knew he had no rights or claims to her, but as they made love, he realized that his love for her was as strong as the day he fell in love with her. As much as he had hated to, he'd lived twenty years without her, and if she chose to stay with Jimmy, he would learn to live without her again.

At least Helen looks a lot happier than she did earlier, he thought as he watched his daughter place the ring on J.J.'s finger. Even despite the problems he and Samantha had gone through, he wished she had been here today to see their daughter marry. He had done his best with Helen on his own, and he hoped Samantha was looking down on their daughter feeling as proud as he did, as Helen and J.J. were pronounced husband and wife.

As everyone moved to the town hall for the reception, Helen and J.J. kept sneaking loving glances at each other. Neither regretted what happened earlier and the tension that had been building for months was now gone.

"I love you," he whispered as he nuzzled her neck.

"Love you too," she smiled.

"Get a room," Cody joked walking up behind them.

"I know which room I wouldn't mind going back to," she whispered in her husband's ear, causing him to turn a deep shade of red.

"Helen!" he admonished.

Cody chuckled. "Maybe the two of you should be late for the reception. I'm sure the others will understand."

"Sounds good to me," she smiled wickedly.

J.J. laughed and shook his head. "Our parents would kill us."

"I doubt that," Cody answered as he headed into the reception hall, where he smelled food.

"No they won't," Helen said when they were alone. "They don't know what happened earlier so they're probably expectin' it."

J.J. looked around and grinned. "You owe me," he said as he took her hand.

"Well now we can take our time and if I remember correctly, you owe me. But we can pay each other back as much as we want," she giggled and they ran off towards the hotel.

Chapter 12

The reception was still going strong an hour later despite the fact the celebrated couple was missing.

"Maybe I should go lookin' for them," Lou said as she sat at a table with Kid and Jimmy.

"Don't you dare!" Jimmy said, chuckling. "We all know where they are and the last thing they want is for one of us interrupting them."

"Why not?" Kid asked. He immediately shut up when he saw the look Lou sent him from across the table. "I'm just sayin' we don't know for sure that's what they're doing."

Jimmy laughed. "They're our children. Of course we know what they're doing, especially since Helen seems to take after you and Samantha. She's been chasing J.J. around like crazy."

"Excuse me?" Kid couldn't believe what Jimmy was accusing his daughter of. "I brought her up to be nothing but a lady."

Lou gasped at his implication. "Are you sayin' we didn't bring J.J. up to be a gentleman?"

"No, of course not!"

"J.J.'s been the one fighting her off. That night she came to talk to me, she was worried and needed a woman to talk to. After learning all those things about you, no wonder she couldn't trust you."

"You try raising a daughter on your own! It hasn't been easy for either of us, and I did the best I could."

"Well obviously," Lou said standing up. "She had too much of Samantha's influence for you to do any good." Lou needed some air and ran to the door. Her eyes grew wide as she saw her son and his wife staring at her from the doorway, both in shock. "I'm sorry," she said pushing her way past them.

Cody shook his head. "After twenty years, you still put your foot in your mouth when it comes to her."

Kid nodded and was about to go after her when J.J. and Helen walked up to the table.

"You all just can't stop arguing, can you?" J.J. demanded. "Don't you two realize that not only are you upsetting mom, but Helen as well? Why are you dragging her into your arguments? On our wedding day and in front of our guests? She didn‘t do anything to deserve that."

All three men looked at the horrified bride who was on the verge of tears. Kid stood and pulled his daughter into his arms. "I'm sorry, baby," he soothed.

"How much did you two overhear?" Jimmy asked.

"Enough," J.J. said grimly.

"Daddy, is what she said true? Am I really like momma? We tried we..."

"Oh God baby, no," he said, hugging her tightly. "Lou didn't mean it like that. You must've heard only part of the conversation."

Kid was torn between comforting his little girl and going to talk with Lou. It's time you accept she's not your little girl anymore, he thought as her body still trembled in his arms. She's married now and starting a family of her own.

"J.J.," he said, looking over at his son-in-law. J.J. knew immediately and pulled his wife into his arms. After seeing that Helen would be all right, Kid looked at his long-lost "family" from his Express days. "I'm gonna go find Lou so we can talk."

"Kid," Jimmy warned. "I think it's best to just let things go for now," he said gesturing to the couple, who was now dancing together. "Wait until we get back to your place."

"And have Rachel, Cody and Buck overhear? No thanks," he said as he walked away.

Kid walked outside wondering where Lou went to. He walked around the building and finally found her sitting on a log in the back. He could still hear the music and laughter coming from inside and went to stand in front of her. He sighed as he saw the tears falling down her cheeks.

"Would you like to dance," he said, holding out his hand.

"I think we've done enough of that already today," she said without looking up.

"That ain't what I meant," he laughed. "Look at me please, Lou."

He had come after her with the intentions of yelling at her for upsetting his daughter, but one look in those eyes and he knew she was beating herself up enough for the both of them.

"Helen and J.J. must hate me right about now," she cried.

Kid shook his head. "Helen's upset, but she's not mad. And maybe you were right about one part anyway. I shoulda been honest with her after Samantha died... should've told her everything, so she wouldn't find out the way she did. Instead of her spending this week bein' excited about her wedding, she was finding out her life was a lie and her mother was no better than whore."

"I'm at fault too, Kid. Of all the places to have that conversation, their reception shouldn't have been the one."

"No, Lou, it's mine. Everything is my fault. Even now, no matter what I do, I can't stop hurting you. I didn't mean you weren't a lady. I know better than anyone how bad you had it. Trying to be something you weren't just to survive."

Lou opened her mouth to say something but Kid continued.

"Leavin' and marrying Samantha was probably the best thing I ever did for you."

Lou stood up in a rage. "Damn it, Kid! Your problem is you've always tried to decide what was best for me rather than letting me do that for myself. I needed that then and I still need it now!"

"And Jimmy lets you?" he demanded as he stood and looked her in the eyes. "Don't stand there and tell me Jimmy didn't do that too, especially after J.J. McCloud was born."

"I could've said no and given J.J. his name. I could've said yes when Jimmy asked me to marry him."

"Then why didn't you?"

"You know why."

"I want to hear you say it, Lou. Tell me, why didn't you marry him? Why didn't you give your son his father?"

"Because you were one of the best things to ever happen to me. How could I love him like he deserved when I still loved you! If it weren't for you..." She looked away, not wanting him to see the pain in her eyes.

Kid turned her face to look at him. "What? What did I do?"

"You taught me what love was. You taught me to trust men again after..." She knew it was now or never. No matter what happened, she needed to tell him why. "After I was raped," she said very quietly.

Kid looked at her in horror and then he knew. He pulled her into his arms, just wanting to comfort her. "I never knew. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault, Kid. It happened long before we met and..."

"I know, but maybe had I known, it would've helped me to understand you better. I wouldn't have rushed you into things and..."

Lou shook her head. "You didn't make me do anything I didn't want to. Twenty years ago or today. Because of your love, you helped me find a way to be both Lou and Louise. Something I never thought would happen because of what he did to me."

"I never wanted to force you to be one or the other," he admitted. "I just wanted you to be happy."

"And I was with you. You helped make me the person I am today, and I'll never forget that. Despite everything thats happened back then, I wouldn't change a thing. Well maybe just one," she smiled.

"And what would that be?" he asked curiously.

"I would've said yes when you first asked me to marry you."

"But then Helen and J.J. wouldn't be here," he reminded her.

"True," she said. "What are we gonna do now?"

"If Jimmy makes you happy now, then let him. Marry him like you planned and forget about me and what happened this morning."

"He's right you know," Jimmy said coming up behind them. "If you love him, then forget about me."

Lou pulled away from Kid. "I can't do that, Jimmy. I love you too, you know that, and we have a lifetime of memories together. A family. I can't just forget about you, even if I wanted to. You gave me the one thing Kid couldn't - our son." Lou sat back down on the log and sighed. "Maybe I should stay in town at the hotel tonight. I love you both, but I just need to be alone to think things through. I'm not being fair to either of you; I haven't been fair to anyone for quite some time."

"It's Christmas Eve, Lou," Jimmy reminded him. "J.J. told me how hard of a time he had getting a room for him and Helen tonight."

"The house is big enough that you can stay and we'll leave you alone."

"I'll even move to the other side of the house if it makes you feel better," Jimmy volunteered.

Kid laughed. "Thomas had two sets of bunk beds in his room. If it makes you feel better, me and the guys can all stay in there tonight. It'll be just like the good old days."

Lou groaned at the image. "That wouldn't be exactly like to old days unless I'm there," she joked, sticking her tongue out at them both. "But you two are right. I just need to be alone until I figure this out. Either way, someone's going to be hurt, and I never meant to hurt either of you."

"We know," Jimmy said. "And it's not like this will be goodbye forever. We're family now so no matter what you decide, the other will just have to accept the fact we'll always be a part of each other's lives."

His defeated tone didn't make things easier for Lou. She knew in her heart what he was saying was true, but could she really subject either man to seeing her happy without him? Too bad there's not a way I can love them both the way they deserve, she thought as they all walked back into the reception.

~~~ *~* ~~~

Back in the hotel room, J.J. held his wife as she cried for what seemed like hours. They had barely left the reception before she had started unbuttoning his shirt. He convinced her to wait, but as soon as they made it to the room and into bed, she started crying, making him feel horrible.

"What's wrong?" he asked concerned stroking her back. "Have I done something wrong?"

Helen shook her head. "No," she answered as she continued to sob.

"Then what's wrong? Why are you crying? Are you sorry you married me?" he asked afraid of the answer.

"Never!" she exclaimed. "It's just that..."

He wiped the tears away and smiled. "Just what?"

"You're mother is right," she said quietly. "I'm no better than my mother."

Anger flooded through him as he realized just how much his mother's words had affected his wife. "No you're not, why would you even think that?"

Helen mumbled something into his chest.

"What was that?"

"We didn't wait. You wanted to wait for our wedding night so bad, but I made you..."

"So we waited until our wedding afternoon," he grinned. "We were moments away from saying I do." He chuckled as he remembered their first time. "Besides, with how bad it was, I'm surprised you still wanted to marry me." He lifted her chin with his finger so she'd look into his eyes. "But if it bothers you so much now, why did you..."

"I wanted tonight to be so special," she admitted. "And I knew our first time would be like that. I wanted tonight to be filled with love and happiness, not pain and awkwardness."

J.J.'s heart felt as if it was about to burst with love. "Either way, it would've been filled with love and happiness because it would've been just us expressing our love in the most intimate act."

"An act apparently my mother enjoyed too much," her sobbing increased.

"So because I made you as happy as I was..." His heart broke at the thought and he couldn't continue.'

Helen shook her head. "That wasn't what I meant."

"I don't understand then."

"My momma is the reason our parents gave up the best thing that ever happened to them and it was all for nothing. Thomas wasn't even..." she started quietly. "She needed a husband and fast, and daddy was a perfect target."

J.J. sighed and again lifted her face to look at him. "You are nothing like your mother. We may not have waited until after our wedding, but we were already married in our hearts, and in the eyes of God not too long after. Not years or months or weeks, but by minutes. You weren't manipulating me or trying to trap me."

"But what if we made a child that first time?"

J.J. smiled at the thought. "Then we did. Or it could've been any of the times after the wedding. Or we might not have at all."

She nodded in understanding but still wasn't comforted.

"My mom didn't mean what she said about you being too much like your mother. If anything, you're more like mine."

"Great," she added sarcastically. "That's all I needed to hear."

As her sobs grew worse, J.J. wanted to go back to the house and kill his mother for hurting his wife this badly with her words.

"I didn't mean it like that. My mother is the strongest woman I've ever known. She may have acted like your mother by just being with my father and refusing to marry; letting him in and out of her life whenever she wanted, but that was only because she's the type of person who gives all of herself, and she couldn't do that when she still loved your father."

"If it weren't for Momma though, our parents would still be together."

J.J. nodded. "But then we wouldn't be here together. We would've never met, fell in love or gotten married."

"Guess I never looked at it that way," she smiled, wondering how she found someone as wonderful and loving as her husband.

"I know you said you wanted to stay here near your dad, but if my mom chooses him, would you still want that? We don't have to stay here and we don't have to go to Rock Creek. We can start over somewhere new."

"I don't care where we are as long as we're together," she said as she smiled at her husband. She urged him to move on top of her. "I love you, James Butler McCloud."

J.J. smiled down at his bride and gave in to their desire. "I love you too, Helen McCloud."

Chapter 13

Lou was unable to sleep that night, her thoughts kept racing back between Kid and Jimmy and how no matter what she decided, one of the men she loved would be hurt by her actions.

Kid had been her confidant, her best friend, and so much more before they began their serious relationship. But he'd also been her first love, first lover and until recently, the only man she'd consider spending the rest of her life with.

On the other hand was Jimmy. He had always been there for her when she needed him the most, even before she and Kid had broken up. She knew he'd had feelings for her even when she was with Kid, and that was part of the reason she fought the feelings she had for him for so long.

Even when they did take things further, she knew she wasn't being fair to him. He knew she was still in love with Kid, and when she learned she was pregnant Jimmy made all these promises to her, and almost begged her to marry him. But as she stood there as he proposed, her mind flashed back to Kid's proposal. Now that she had a reason to get married, she couldn't do it.

She did love Jimmy and he stayed by her side and was there to help raise their child; a child part of her had wished belonged to Kid. But after awhile, he wasn't there for her as much, and she knew even before he told her it was because he couldn't stand by while she still was in love with another man.

Realizing Jimmy didn't deserve her love after what she had put him through made her realize she was also unsure of trusting her heart to Kid again. As much as she loved them both, she wasn't sure if she could make either of them as happy as they deserved to be. Whoever she chose, she would always wonder what if, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

Quickly getting out of bed, Lou's mind was made up. She dressed and hurriedly packed her bag, hoping to sneak out without waking anyone. She had her hand on the doorknob when a voice called out behind her.

"Do you really think hurtin' both of them is better than hurting just one?" Rachel asked.

Lou sighed and turned as Rachel turned the flame up on the lantern. "I don't want to hurt either of them," she answered truthfully as she sat down across from her best friend. "But I don't see how."

"Aren't you and Jimmy happy together despite your problems?"

"We are... or were. I don't know, Rachel. With Jimmy, it's like I was just going through the motions, living a life I wanted, but with someone else. And now that Kid's back..."

"Well what about Kid? It's been twenty years since you two were together. A lot has changed over the years, and if you choose him, how do you know down the road you two won't discover that it was just a passing thing. That you two were trying to rekindle what you once had."

Lou nodded. "That's what I'm scared of. I've loved him for more than half my life, but even when I was with Jimmy, my heart has always belonged to Kid. Maybe if things ended differently between us back then I could've moved on."

"According to Jimmy and that ring on your finger that you keep playing with, I'd say you were ready to finally marry him. If Kid hadn't been thrown back into your life, would you have gone through with it?"

"Of course," she insisted. "I do love Jimmy."

"Then it seems your choice should be an easy one."

"I know, but when I was in Kid's arms this morning..."

Rachel raised an eyebrow at her.

"I uh... I guess you didn't know about that," Lou said. "It just happened. We didn't plan it or anything, we were just talking and then next thing I know..." Lou buried her face in her hands. "I know it was wrong, but for the first time in longer than I can remember, I felt whole; the way I always felt in his arms."

"You do realize that this isn't just about the two of you, right?"

"Of course, there's Jimmy."

Rachel shook her head. "There's also Helen and J.J. to think about. They're confused enough by all this is, and throw in the fact they have their own problems being newlyweds, do you think it's fair to throw in the fact that they might become brother and sister as well as husband and wife into their new life?"

"I guess I never thought about that," she said sadly. "But we're not even at the point of talking about marriage. I'm just scared that no matter what, I don't think I'll ever completely love one without still feeling something for the other."

"You just need to think long and hard about this, Lou. Jimmy has lived twenty years with you knowing you still loved Kid, but Kid won't do that. With him it's all or nothing, especially when it comes to you. He's already been hurt by one woman's deception, it would kill him for you to do the same."

Lou gasped. "You know?"

"We spent a lot of time catching up before he went to bed. He told me a lot of things."

"Did he say how he felt about me?" she asked half joking, half serious.

"Yes, but I think you need to find out for yourself. Before you make any rash decisions, you need to do some serious thinking. Take some time to decide if your feelings are true or just issues between you that were never resolved."

"I love them both so much, I just wish there was a way I could figure this out without hurting the either of them." She grinned playfully at Rachel. "Think they'd be willing to share me?"

"Jimmy's shared you long enough, but like I said, Kid..."

"I know. But if I could figure out a way, I'd spend six months in Rock Creek with Jimmy and six months here with Kid."

"Good luck with that," Rachel chuckled. "You'll figure it out, you always do."

Lou yawned and stood up. "Thanks, Rachel. I guess I better get back to my room and get some sleep. I just wish I could've made one of their Christmases a merrier one tomorrow." She took her bag and headed back to her room, wondering what she was going to do now.

~~~ *~* ~~~

When Jimmy woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was look for Kid. He wasn't surprised to find him in the barn feeding the horses.

"Looks like you've done well for yourself," Jimmy said, leaning against the stall door.

"Wasn't easy," Kid replied without looking up.

"I can imagine. Raising your own family, doing what she wanted you to do instead of what you loved."

Kid looked angrily at him. "Unlike you who still did whatever you wanted when the woman you claimed to love stayed at home raising your son."

"Look, I came out here to talk to you about Lou," he said placated. "Not argue over her."

"There's nothin' to talk or argue about. She's yours, and I have to live with that."

Jimmy chuckled. "You don't get it, do you? She's never been mine and the two of you yesterday proved that she still loves you."

Kid shrugged and went back to work.

"Damn it, Kid! I love her, but I want her to be happy and if she's happier with you then that's fine with me."

"I just want her to be happy too," he said quietly. "That's all I ever wanted for her."

"Then why did you leave her twenty years ago?"

"Because Samantha was pregnant."

"We both know that it wasn't yours, try again."

"I didn't know it at the time. Samantha swore it was mine. I had no choice, I had to leave and do the right thing by her."

"Even though you didn't love her?"

"You think it was easy for me?" Kid snapped.

"Well, it must've been, you had two more children with her."

"Not by choice," he said as he looked up. "And look me in the eye and tell me there's been no other women since you've been with Lou." He shook his head when Jimmy didn't respond. "That's what I thought. At least when I was with Samantha, Lou and I weren't together anymore."

"Maybe if she hadn't been so damaged by what you did to her, then I wouldn't have had to find comfort with someone else."

Kid was about to break the stall door and hit Jimmy when suddenly he saw a flash and Jimmy fall to the ground.

"Bastard!" J.J. yelled as he began hitting his father. Helen screamed at her husband's behavior.

As much as he hated to, Kid pulled J.J. off Jimmy and held him back, while Jimmy laid there stunned as blood poured from his nose.

"J.J.," he started.

"I don't want to hear it," he said struggling to break free of Kid's tight grip. "I want to kill you right now."

Helen gasped and ran from the barn.

"I love your mother," Jimmy said honestly.

"Really? You love a cold heartless bitch? Because that's how you just described her!" He finally broke free of Kid's grasp and began kicking his father.

Jimmy looked at Kid and silently pleaded for help. Kid just shook his head.

"If I wasn't enjoying watching this as much as I am, I'd be there helpin' him."

Finally J.J. stopped. "You're not worth it," he spat as he turned and headed out of the barn. He met Rachel and Helen running their way. "He's in there," he informed them. "And don't worry, he's alive... luckily."

Rachel and Helen continued into the barn and saw Kid helping Jimmy off the ground. Both gasped at Jimmy's split lip and already badly swollen eye.

"This has got to stop!" Rachel yelled. "What you two are doin' fighting over her again like you did twenty years ago!

"I didn't touch him!" Kid argued.

"No, but you just stood there minding your own business while J.J. nearly kills his father for no reason?"

"I never said that! I held J.J. back when Jimmy started it."

"I don't care who started it!" Rachel grew furious. "Maybe she had the right idea trying to sneak away last night because she didn't want either of you to be hurt by her decision. But it looks like you two are doing a good enough job of hurting each other on your own!"

Disgusted with both of them, Rachel turned and stormed out of the barn, not caring whether or not they killed each other at that point. Helen looked at both of them, and the pain and confusion in her eyes made both men feel even worse.

"Baby," Kid started as he crossed to her. His heart broke when she shook her head and left as well. Kid turned to Jimmy. "What are we gonna do about this?"

"I don't know," he replied. "But Rachel's right, we can't keep fighting over her like love sick teenagers anymore. We're worse than Cody ever was."

Kid chuckled and some of the tension between the two melted. "No matter what Lou decides, the other is still going to be part of her life, you know that, right?"

Jimmy nodded. "I still can't believe of all the people in the world, our children fell in love with each other."

The two remained silent for a few minutes, lost in their own thoughts. Finally Kid spoke.

"Wait a minute. Did Rachel say Lou tried to sneak off last night?"

"I guess this really is a hard choice for her to make."

"Maybe we should talk to her?" Kid suggested.

"I think right now it's best if we just leave her alone; give her time and space. Otherwise she might think we're tryin' to force her to make a decision."

"Guess you're right," he conceded.

"Wouldn't be the first time. By the way, when I said that about finding comfort..."

"Don't worry about it. I knew what you meant. And I know how you feel," he said quietly. "How do you think I was able to have two children with a woman I didn't love? I wasn't fair to Samantha either. She may have lied to me about being the father to Thomas, but I had to imagine I was with Lou."

Jimmy chuckled. "Well, she always was a firecracker in bed. I can't blame you, I did the same."

Kid bit his lip. He knew Jimmy meant well, but it hurt thinking about her with him. "Why do you think I almost lost it when I realized I wasn't her first." He shook his head as he remembered what she told him. "I was a damn fool to ever think she could've done something like that."

"You were a damn fool for letting her go to begin with."

"And it's a decision I'll regret until the day I die, no matter what she decides."

Chapter 14

Somehow Lou managed to sleep peacefully through the rest of the night and late into the morning. She awoke to the smell of coffee and several familiar cheerful voices. For a moment she thought she was still back in the bunkhouse. After bathing and changing into clothes, she hurried downstairs.

"Mornin'," she said entering. Out of habit, she crossed to Jimmy to kiss him on the cheek as was their normal routine, but stopped when Kid looked at her and Jimmy pulled back.

"Morning, Lou," Cody said, as he helped himself to another helping of bacon and eggs.

"You might want to grab a plate before Cody eats all of it," Buck added. "That's his fifth helping."

"Some things never change," Kid said nonchalantly. Seeing Lou go straight to Jimmy and about to kiss him had hurt, just like it did when she used to turn to him when they had problems.

Lou needs to decide this on her own, he thought. As much as I want to talk to her, tell her I'll accept whatever she decides, Jimmy's right. We need to give her time and space to figure things out.

Lou grabbed a plate and sat down at the end of the table where she could see both Kid and Jimmy. Neither would look at her and both seemed too interested in their plates. She smiled when she saw J.J. and Helen, but was a bit worried at their expression.

"I wasn't expecting to see the two of you this early." She couldn't help but smile as they looked at each other lovingly and blushed.

"We wanted to spend Christmas with everyone," Helen answered. "It's my first family Christmas," she said,, smiling at the family she never knew about. She was still uncomfortable around Lou after the comment she had made about Helen being like her mother, but she promised J.J. she would talk to her later today.

Lou listened as the others chatted, wishing Kid or Jimmy would look at her or do something. She didn't know yet which she wanted to be with; and she knew that waiting for her decision was driving them crazy as well.

Jimmy stood to move his plate to the sink and Lou gasped when she got a glimpse at the other side of his face. "Jimmy?"

Everyone at the table cringed at the tone of her voice.

"It's nothin', Lou," Jimmy tried to assure her.

"It looks like something to me." She looked over at Kid, her eyes burning with anger. "You couldn't leave him alone could you? You had to..."

"It wasn't Kid," J.J. admitted.

"Oh so Jimmy just walked into a door, is that it?" She shook her head and looked at Kid. "You had no right to go after him twenty years ago and you still don't have the right to..."

"I did it!" her son yelled.

Lou's eyes grew wide and looked at Jimmy for confirmation. Jimmy nodded and looked away, knowing how much it was going to hurt her to realize their son nearly killed him.

"I can't believe you! Now you have to go getting my son involved in this? How dare either of you!" Lou jumped from the table and ran outside.

Cody chuckled. "Last time Lou was this emotional, J.J. came along about eight months later."

"Shut up, Cody!" everyone exclaimed together.

Helen got up and left without anyone noticing and found Lou crying by the corral.

"J.J. was just defending you," Helen explained. "We walked in and overheard Daddy and Jimmy talkin' and well he didn't like what he heard."

"I probably deserved whatever was said," she sighed. "After what I said last night about your mom, I'm surprised you're talkin' to me right now."

"It hurt, I'll admit it, but J.J. had a long talk with me and I felt better afterwards."

Lou grinned. "I'm sure it was the talking that did it. Was it the talking before or after the wedding?"

Helen's eyes grew wide and Lou chuckled.

"I remember the look you had on your face during the wedding all too well. Your father had it nonstop for a week after our first time."

"We tried to wait, we really did," she said, embarrassed. "But..."

"Was it what you expected?"

Helen nodded. "But at least it was done with and last night was everything I wanted my wedding night to be."

"I'm glad," Lou said sincerely. "I've never seen J.J. as happy as when he's with you."

"Until you came along, I've never seen daddy so happy." At the look on Lou's face, she felt bad. "I don't mean to pressure you, I know this isn't easy for you. I'm sorry."

Lou shook her head. "I should be the one to apologize. When I said those things last night, I was angry. It's one thing for me to talk about your mother like that, but I never meant to say you were like her. Although there is one thing you have in common with your mother."

"What's that?" she asked confused.

"Your father loves you both very much."

Helen shook her head. "I was too young at the time to see it, but looking back, I don't think he ever really loved her. Not like he loved you. I mean I'm sure he loved her in his own way, but he never looked at her the way he looks at you."

"I've never loved anyone like I loved your father," Lou admitted.

"I know, that's part of the reason J.J. started in on Jimmy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jimmy said that no matter what you decide, your heart would always belong to Daddy."

"Why would J.J. hit Jimmy for that? He's heard it before and it's never caused them to come to blows before."

Helen wasn't sure how she should tell Lou. She wanted Lou to know how Jimmy had felt, but she knew it might influence her decision, and that was something she needed to figure out on her own.

"It was the... unpleasant way Jimmy said it. J.J. just heard it wrong and got upset. He was just defending your honor is all."

Lou chuckled. "Great," Lou said sarcastically. "Now I have three men thinking I can't take care of myself."

"No, just three men who love you very much, and only want what's best for you. Annoying, isn't it?"

"They only do it because they care so much," Lou replied.

"She's right you know," Kid said coming up behind them. "And just because you're married now, doesn't mean I still won't constantly worry about you."

"Daddy," she whined jokingly. "That's J.J.'s job now."

"That's who I'm worried about. Have been since the day you brought him home to meet me."

"Daddy!"

Kid chuckled and looked at Lou. "Had I known he was your son, I would've really been worried and put a stop to it immediately."

"Kid!" Lou yelled in mock horror. She knew he was teasing and smiled. "Our son has been nothing but a gentleman."

Kid shook his head. "Oh no, I'm not getting into this argument with you again. And you're right, every time J.J. was here, he was the perfect gentleman. I wouldn't expect any less from your son, Lou. You and Jimmy did good by him."

"Thanks," she said proudly. "It wasn't always easy."

"I'm gonna go back in," Helen interrupted. "It's gettin' cold out here and I want to go snuggle up for warmth."

"Hey," Kid protested. "Not in my house."

"Daddy, we're married now. And I said just snuggle," his daughter grinned before turning to head back inside.

Kid shook his head. "She'll always be my little girl, and it's just hard for me to realize that she's..."

Lou smiled at his behavior. "Dancing?"

Kid nodded.

"It had to happen sooner or later, Kid."

"I know," he said solemnly. "And at least her first time was on her wedding night and with someone she loves."

Lou bit her tongue but nodded. "Do you regret what we did?" she asked looking away.

Kid turned her face to look at him. "Never, Lou. I know I wasn't your first, but we were in love. That night in Redfern was the best night of my life, even to this day."

"It was my second. Giving birth to J.J. was the best for me. You were the first I gave myself to willingly. You showed me what love means and I could never regret that either."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, though I won't promise I'll answer it."

Kid let go of her face and hoped his next words wouldn't upset her. "I know you're tryin' to decide which is best, and Jimmy and I have decided to give you time and space. But I was wondering something. If you decide to stay with Jimmy, would you object if I moved back to Rock Creek?"

Lou gasped. She never imagined he would consider moving back to Rock Creek, especially if she stayed with Jimmy. "What about your home? What about J.J. and Helen?"

"This was never really my home. Having everyone around makes me long to be near those I love. But if you have a problem..."

Lou shook her head. "It's up to you, Kid."

"If it'll cause you problems with Jimmy, then I won't, but I hope you won't mind if I come to visit."

"Damn it, Kid! I haven't even made up my mind yet but you keep acting as if I have."

"Lou, I'm just concerned..."

"Besides, if Jimmy did have a problem with it, I don't know if I could be with him anymore, just like if I chose you, and Jimmy decided to move here to be closer to J.J. and Helen, and you had a problem with it. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me."

"I never said I didn't trust you..." he started, but it was too late. Lou had already turned and ran back towards the house. He ran after her and cut in front of her. "I never said I didn't trust you, Lou."

"What about the times you got mad because of my friendship with Jimmy? Or if I even looked at another guy innocently?" She was trying to fight the tears threatening to fall, but she couldn't help it.

Kid wiped a tear from her cheek. "You never talked about your past and I was worried about you. I'm not proud of it, but I couldn't help but assume the worst. I know now it was wrong of me, but back then I was scared of losing you. Guess it didn't matter, I lost you anyway."

"You did what you thought was right," she reminded him, noting the sadness in his blue eyes. She longed to kiss away the pain, but knew it wouldn't be fair to either of them until her mind was made up.

"We better get back in, it's starting to snow," he said, fighting the urge to kiss her and drag her to the barn so they could finish what they had started the day before. "And I promise not to get jealous with who you snuggle up to."

Lou smiled at him. "Good, because Buck's feet never get cold when they rub my legs." She chuckled at the look on his face. "I'm joking," she said as she continued into the house.

Chapter 15

"Can we talk?" Jimmy asked Kid later that morning. Lou, Rachel and Helen had fixed a huge Christmas feast, and now Jimmy and Kid were stuck doing the cleaning.

"Sure, Jimmy, what's up?"

"Lou said you were talkin' about movin' back to Rock Creek. Is it true?"

"Before you say anything though, I was thinking about it already and it's not just because of Lou. Bein' around all you guys again made me realize how much I missed you, missed bein' part of a family again."

"Lou said you came back once before?"

"It was after Samantha died. But then it was mainly because of Lou. But as soon as I saw her with J.J., I knew I couldn't stay in town."

"If she does choose me..."

"Then I'll have to live with that," Kid interrupted. "And as long you don't hurt her and she's happy, I'll leave you two be."

"Were you plannin' on coming back with us?"

Kid shook his head. "It'll take some time to get everything here taken care of. Also I was planning on giving the house to Helen and J.J. as a wedding present. I know they've already been lookin' and savin' their money so this should be a wonderful Christmas gift to them. That is if you and Lou don't mind."

Jimmy smiled. "I think it's a wonderful idea. I know J.J. had some concerns about being able to provide for them bein' so young and still in school."

"Well, there will be a condition that they both need to finish school. I've already got a buyer for the tobacco fields, and since J.J. expressed an interest in working the horse ranch part, I'm offering the hands I sometimes hire during foal season, full time positions until he's ready to take it over."

"Thank you. When J.J. first told us he was getting married, Lou's main concern was him finishing school."

"And yours was probably about the girl he got in trouble."

Jimmy let out a little laugh. "The thought did cross my mind, after all, look at us."

"I worried about that from the day the doctor placed Helen in my arms and I saw how beautiful she was. But I guess despite everything, they knew better than we did."

"You did a good job with her," Jimmy told him. "It couldn't have been easy raising her on your own after Samantha died."

"I did the best I could, but you're right, it wasn't easy. But I don't regret a thing about her."

"Dad?" J.J. asked walking into the kitchen. "Mom wanted to know if you two would make some hot chocolate for everyone. The snow's really comin' down outside and she thought it would be nice for when we start opening presents."

"Tell her we're done in here and she can come make some. She knows I can't even come close to recreating her recipe." He looked at Kid and grinned. "And tell her this time she can clean up her own mess."

"I heard that James Hickok," Lou called from the other room. "And with you and Kid in there cleanin', I'll probably have a bigger mess to clean than what we left."

Jimmy rolled his eyes and Kid laughed. "See what I've had to put up with for the past twenty years," Jimmy teased.

"Yet you wouldn't have changed a minute of it and you know it," Kid replied, feeling jealous once more that Jimmy had what Kid had longed for.

"Of having her in my life, never, the way I treated her, some of it. I know I wasn't what she deserved, but if she decides to give me a second chance, I'll take it."

"I wish you two would stop talking about me behind my back," Lou said angrily as she entered the kitchen.

"I was just saying..."

"I heard what you said, Jimmy. For two guys who swore to give me time to sort through my feelings, hearing stuff like that doesn't help. If anything, it makes me wish I'd never met either of you!"

Jimmy and Kid watched as she stormed out of the room and shook their heads.

"Can you honestly say you missed her moods in the past twenty years?" Jimmy asked half jokingly.

Kid nodded. "You're forgettin' that's one of the reasons I fell in love with her to begin with."

The two headed back into the living room where everyone was waiting to open presents. As soon as they sat down, Lou got up, heading for the kitchen and sending them both a look warning them not to follow her.

Two hours later, everyone was ready to turn in but Kid had yet to make his announcement. "There's one more thing," he said as everyone started to get up.

"What's up?" Cody asked curiously.

"Yeah, Kid," Buck added. "You've been quiet even for you."

"J.J., I've trusted you with my most precious possession," he said looking at his daughter and reaching into his pocket. "Now I'm giving you both what she would've received eventually." He handed him a set of keys.

"Daddy?" Helen asked, confused.

"I've decided to move back to Rock Creek, and I'm giving the two of you the house and all the land except for the tobacco fields, which I'm selling."

The room was filled with gasps of astonishment.

"Lou, does this mean..." Rachel started.

Lou shook her head. "It doesn't mean anything, but he did mention it to me before he said anything."

"Daddy?" Helen asked again, her lower lip trembling.

"It's time baby," Kid answered. "You have J.J. now and won't need me so much. This way, you still get to live in the house you grew up in."

"But..." Helen ran from the room crying and J.J. went after her.

Kid buried his head in his hands and sighed. "I didn't think she'd be that upset."

"You mean you didn't think you could make her any more upset than she already is?" Rachel asked. "Kid, in less than a week, her entire life has been turned upside down and now you're leavin' her."

"I guess I figured now that she had J.J. she wouldn't need me around so much anymore."

"Kid," Lou said. "You're her daddy. She's always gonna want you around. You're the only family she has."

Kid's heart sank as he wondered if he was reading more into what Lou was saying or not. "So you're sayin' I should stay."

She shook her head. "No, I'm not telling you one way or the other, just that she's the main reason you should be thinking long and hard about this."

"Guess maybe I should've talked to her about this first," he agreed as he stood up. "I'll see everyone in the morning," he said as he started to leave. "Merry Christmas."

Kid continued up the stairs and knocked on his daughter's bedroom door. Assuming she was asleep when there was no answer, he opened the door and groaned.

"Daddy!" she shrieked, covering both her and J.J. with a blanket.

Kid quickly looked away. "I believe I had said not in my house," he said shaking his head.

"It's our house now," J.J. said muffled and groaned when Helen smacked his shoulder.

Kid couldn't help but chuckle. "I guess we can talk in the morning," he said. "Just... never mind, good night you two." He shut the door and kept shaking his head all the way to his room.

continue on...

A/N's: Big thanks to Shannon and Ellie for getting me through this story that was started back in July. Without you and the rest of the peanut gallery it would've never gotten finished. And thanks to Ellie for making the graphic for me when for once, all mine sucked!

Email catsimmie
HOME