Lou waited until Kid fell asleep before finally giving into the tears.
Only whores do what I did.
He stirred next to her as her sobs grew louder.
When I think back to when he saw me in that dress when we went after Lambert, for one moment he looked at me like some men looked at whores. I knew he deserved someone better to love him, but these past few weeks since then, we’ve grown so much closer that I couldn’t help myself. I practically threw myself at him, she thought sadly. Begged him to take our relationship one step further than he was ready for, and his first time was with someone no better than a whore.
Lou wiped the tears from her eyes as she gazed at him. He looked so peaceful while she was dealing with so much inner turmoil.
But when he told me I was his first, I almost put a stop to things, she thought back. I had assumed someone as wonderful as him had had someone in his life before me, maybe several. At his confession, I longed more than anything to have him as my first, and wondered what he would say or do when he realized he wasn’t. But he didn’t say anything.
Momma once told me that sex was a wife’s duty – not something to be enjoyed. Working at the… working for Wicks, I learned early that only whores enjoyed it, and that was because they were paid to. But when I realized what was happening it was too late to stop it. He had loved me enough to make what we were doing seem like it was something wonderful, but it was horrible at the same time because it was wrong of me.
Again he stirred in his sleep and she knew she needed to move away from him.
How far can I go? she thought, wondering if he would care if he woke up and found her gone. Of course not, it’s not like he loves you. He made no declarations and why would he? You’re a whore! Wicks made sure of that back then and now you have the proof.
Finally she decided to sit up and scoot to the edge of the bed. She wrapped the blanket tightly around her body that he had admired so much not that long ago.
I wonder what he’ll do now that he’ll realize that the skin he kissed and caressed belongs to a whore. The thought scared her more than anything. Kid would never come out and pay me, but I wonder what price I’ll have to pay now. Will it be becoming his personal whore or a lifetime without ever having his loving arms around me again?
“You okay, Lou?”
Lou sucked in a deep breath as she realized she had awoken him with her crying. “I don't know,” she replied honestly.
It all depends on what you think of me now. We shared something I could never have imagined wanting, something I never expected to ever have, and then I had to ruin it by letting myself enjoy it.
“A coupla hours ago, the most important thing on my mind was gettin' on with what we've been puttin' off for so long.”
You’ve thought about being with a whore for so long? She sobbed again, burying her head in her hands. Finally she looked over at him and smiled at the look on his face.
That’s not the way a man looks at a whore, but maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet.
The words out of her mouth shocked her as she realized it was true. “Me too.”
“Seems like endin' all that waitin' was more important to us than the reason we wanted to end it.”
No, she thought sadly as she realized it was sinking in on him. You just wished it finally hadn’t ended with a whore.
“Do you think we made a mistake?”
“No, no...”
She bit her tongue as she felt him move closer to her. She shivered as he began caressing her neck and kissed her shoulder. She was scared but had to see his eyes.
“Don't see that we could've done anything else anyway.”
There’s no disgust, maybe he doesn’t mind what I am. Maybe he doesn’t care? Maybe he did it just so the others would stop teasing him. Or maybe because I practically begged him for it, he figured he might as well give the whore what she wants.
“Things are gonna be different between us now.”
Of course they will be. You know what I am now, what I’ve always been. How could they not? But why can’t I stop loving you now that you know? How can I love you knowing I’m not good enough for you?
“Maybe better?” She kissed his forehead a he kissed her shoulder again. She wanted to see the look in his eyes when she told him so ran a finger under his chin so he’d look at her.
Maybe, if he knew I really loved him, he’d understand and still see me the same as he always has.
“I love you, Kid.”
There I said it. I mean it, but if he doesn’t say it back, then I know the truth. I’ll know he could never love a whore like me. That…
“I love you too, Lou.”
He means it, she thought as she looked into his eyes that shone bright with the love he had just confessed.
As he laid her back down, wrapping his arms tightly around her, she began to sob again.
I never thought I could ever feel this way, he thought as he kissed her shoulder. I’ve loved her from that first kiss with my mind, heart and soul and now with my body. But it frightens me to hear her sob like this.
“Lou, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said biting her lip trying not to cry anymore.
“Is it something I did?”
I know it was my first time, he thought nervously. I was scared I wouldn’t do it right, wouldn’t be able to please her, but I thought I had. Was she pretending? Was it really that bad? Did I hurt her? Will she ever want me to love her like that again?
She shook her head. “No,” she said quickly, trying to reassure him.
“Then what is it? Please tell me. I thought you enjoyed it but…”
“That’s just it,” she said before thinking. “I did enjoy it because I’m no better than a whore!”
“What?” he asked dumbfounded. “Why would that make you a whore?”
She sat up and looked down at him. “Only whores really enjoy sex, Kid. I didn’t mean to, it just happened and I couldn’t stop myself.”
He immediately sat up again, his heart breaking at her words. “You’re right, Lou. Only whores do enjoy sex like you did. But you’re not a whore.”
“Yes, I am,” she said quietly.
He raised her chin to look at him. “No, Lou. What you enjoyed was us makin’ love. It wasn’t just sex. Not to me.”
Why does she feel this way? he wondered. Is it because I wasn’t her first? What has happened in her past? Is there a horrible husband she’s running from that beat her or worse?
Does he mean it? She thought, scared to believe there was a difference sex and making love.
“I’ve loved you from our first kiss,” he said as he leaned forward to kiss her cheek.
Lou turned to say she loved him too, but her lips were covered by his. It was like that first kiss and it still sent shivers down her spine all the way to her toes.
He smiled as they broke from the gentle kiss. “I’ve wanted to do this since then,” he said as he began kissing her neck. “But until you were sure about how you felt… if we had, then it would’ve just been sex.”
At the sincerity of his words, all of her doubts and fears fled. Especially as his mouth began working its way south.
“I’m sorry, Kid.”
He stopped and looked at her concerned she didn’t want to continue. “It’s alright, Lou.”
She shook her head. “No it’s not. I should’ve never doubted you or how you made me feel.”
He smiled at her. “As long as I love you, I’ll never make you feel like a whore.”
She smiled and bit her lower lip as she laid him back down on the bed with her. “Well, maybe every once in awhile,” she said saucily as they began to make love once more.
A/N: Big thanks to Shannon for inspiring this labor of love and big thanks to Ellie for Betaing. Most people are concerned about going to the hospital when in labor, all I could think about was finishing this story up!