I look at Lou from across the table and then smile as her foot accidentally brushes against my leg. She may have broken my heart, destroyed my plans for our future, made me doubt everything I grew up believing in; but I can't help it. I should hate her, but I don't.
The night I gave myself to her in the way only a man and wife should, was the best night of my life. I knew right then she was the one my heart would belong to for the rest of our lives. But a month later when she said no, I felt as if my life was over. I knew I should've hated her, but I didn't.
When I met Samantha, I knew it was wrong to get involved, even before she told me about her parents. But she made me forget - if even for a short time about Lou. But the night of the dance, I realized she didn't fit in my arms the way Lou did. I even asked her to stay hoping I'd grow to love her, but again the woman in my life left me. I should've hated her for it, but I couldn't.
I hope Lou and I can be friends again one day soon. I miss that more than I miss her love. She is still the only one I'll ever love, but I don't know what it'll take to convince her of that. When it came to my relationship with Samantha, I hurt Lou with my actions as well as words. I don't know if she can forgive me. She should hate me... I do.
~~~ *~* ~~~
I sigh as I realized I accidentally brushed my foot against Kids' leg. When we were together, if we weren't sitting next to each other, we would often do that just to have a way to be touching each other. That smile used to reassure me and make my problems go away. Now he's the problem. I should hate him, but I don't.
It wasn't enough I gave myself heart and body, wasn't enough that I loved him more than I had any right to, he had to have more. Those touches stopped that day he tried to force me to give up everything to be something I wasn't ready for. I know I should've hated him, but I didn‘t. The emotional pain of seeing him with Samantha hurt almost as much as the physical pain I once suffered at Wicks' hand. His words broke my heart. Saying I was "sweet" and "good-hearted"... well I didn't feel any of those things. And when he said it wouldn't have worked the way he worked and lived together... he had never complained about it before. I should've hated him for it, but I couldn't.
And then there was my behavior with Jimmy. He was just trying to be a good friend. He tried to cheer me up. I allowed myself to get tipsy and took advantage of his feelings towards me. When we were dancing in the street, I couldn't help but thinking how different it was dancing with him than with Kid. Jimmy could never make me feel that way, and I felt ashamed for my behavior. And if Kid ever found out, I don't know if he could forgive me. He should hate me... I do.