The Diary of Madelyn Archer
The town of Rock Creek is an interesting town, a far cry from the squalor from which I had come. From my room, I can see the comings and goings of town. It is from that room that I interact with those in the town, through you Diary, my dearest and oldest friend. It is not that I like it to be this way. But I am shy and people tend not to see me when I am in a crowd. So it is best to stay out of their way. But with you, my trusted companion, I can share my thoughts, my feelings, my life.
My day started out rather uneventful. I worked on Mrs. Jensen’s dress, tacking in the lace around the hem. Her wedding dress is coming along beautifully. I had lunch with Ms. Sadie. We talked about all sorts of wonders. Ms. Sadie has traveled all over the East. What wonderful tales she has to tell.
I had a fitting in the afternoon for Miss Mary’s new dress, a beautiful royal blue that looked lovely on the young woman. But it was nearing evening when my whole day was complete. It was when I saw him that left me as if I were walking on clouds. I had seen my love, my hearts desire, as I had seen him on so many other days, through the dress shop window. I had seen him, even if he didn’t see me. And I am happy, even though he doesn’t know I’m alive.
From the window of the shop, I saw him with the other riders as they made their way to Thompkin’s store. I watched them as they pushed and shoved one another as young men were known to do. They kicked and punched at one another as they laughed carefree. There were only three of them, but the other two didn’t matter. I saw only who I needed to see. I saw him.
Oh, he looked marvelous in the bright summer sun. But he always did. A radiant smile across his handsome face. Eyes that sparkled as he looked up at the sun, turning his face up to it to feel its warmth. Oh, how I loved to watch him.
He had his red bandanna on, that striking dark red vest, that white shirt with its sleeves rolled up to reveal his strong tan arms. I felt my heart weaken as he looked at the one they called Cody and smiled. What I wouldn’t give to have him smile at me.
I watched until he was out of my sight at the dress shop window. My hand was resting on my chest, trying to still the quickening beats of my heart. But thoughts of my love stayed with me for the rest of the evening as I sat on my bed and gazed out the window. I tried to read, but my thoughts would not agree.
If only.......If only I could find the courage to tell him how I feel; to tell him what he means to me. To even tell him hello would be a beginning. But I can’t. Not now. Not yet. But maybe someday.......
-Mady
May 20, 1860
Dear Diary,
I am in good spirits. Today was a marvelous day. The sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful crystal blue. What more can a person ask for. It was such a lovely day in fact, that I took my sewing and sat on the boardwalk outside of the store while
I worked on it. I have been keeping myself cooped up inside the shop for too long. I needed fresh air. I needed the sunshine. I needed to see my love.
As I sat on the boardwalk, insignificant to those who passed by, I closed my eyes, reveling in the glory of the warm Summer afternoon. I loved the way the sun nipped at my fair skin, making it tingle as it tinged a soft red. I loved the way the breeze pulled at
my curls, brushing them off of my face. I drew deeply on the crisp air and felt so alive.
Things have been quiet in town today which seems sort of strange. I wonder if it's the proverbial 'calm before the storm'. Now, I know that this isn’t a rowdy town by any measures, but it has seen its fair share of trouble. Marshall Cain paced the boardwalks all day. He looked bored and restless. What a handsome man that Marshall Cain is. While he certainly cannot compare to my Ike, he is quite handsome in his own right.
I have seen Marshall Cain and Miss Shannon carry on very affectionate conversations when they think no one is looking. I’ve watched the way that he looks at her; the smile that spreads across his handsome face. I've seen the way she holds his gaze, so strong and full of confidence. I admire Miss Shannon. She’s bold and daring. She is a fighter, and she never fails to speak her mind. I'm sure that Miss Shannon would not be afraid to tell the man she loves exactly how she feels. Oh diary, how I wish I could be like that.
Being a quiet person does have it’s advantages. Seems to draw people to tell me things they wouldn’t normally tell. I guess they figure that I don’t have anyone to repeat it to. I’m astounded at some of the gossip that women like to spread while I am taking a fitting. Most of it, I ignore because there is no sense listening to rubbish. But I would much rather be a bold person, able to speak to anyone that I please, than to know the most intimate details of anyone’s life. I would trade that in a minute.
I didn’t see Ike at all today. I can only assume that he was on a run. Although, it would have made my day complete to see that rugged, yet gentle man with eyes as bright as evening stars. But I saw him in my heart as I always do. Riding toward me on his beautiful horse, sweeping me up into the saddle behind him, carrying me off under a moonlit sky......Oh diary, how I want to love that man, and how I want that man to love me.
I will have courage diary. I will be strong. I make a promise to myself and to you, my trusted friend, that the next time that I see Ike McSwain, I will speak to him....and it will be magical. I hope.
-Mady
May 23, 1860
Dear Diary,
Although our weather has been exceptional as of late, I knew that it could not continue. Today endless light gray clouds filled the sky as far as the eye could see. A cool, persistent wind blew in from the north, bringing with it the promise of rain. But it failed to follow through. Instead we were left with a gloomy day.
It’s strange the overwhelming effect that the weather has on people. Gone were the bright and cheery smiles of the townsfolk, replaced with scowls and curses for the rain. Some complained that it would rain at all. Others complained that if it were going to rain, that is should go ahead and rain already. But it taunted us.
Despite the impending rain storm, today was a glorious day for me. Well, glorious and yet horrible all at the same time. Why is that I must be cursed with a silent tongue? I want to be cordial. I want to talk to everyone that walks by. But when I try, nothing comes out.
Business at the dress shop was slow today. What ever people were doing, it certainly didn’t include getting a dress made. As such, I busied myself with doing extra cleaning in the shop. With the dirt in the streets, keeping the shop clean was always quite a challenge.
As I stood on the boardwalk sweeping, a soft clap of thunder rumbled far off in the distant sky. Fascinated by the prospects of rain, I gazed longingly at the clouds, calling for it to fall. I love the rain. As I turned back toward the store, I noticed him riding down the street toward me, and I froze to my spot, broom held tightly in my hand.
He looked tired and dirty. His brown pants made even browner by the trail dust that cover them. The wind was nipping at his hat, blowing it slightly back on his head.
He wiped his forearm across his forehead before adjusting his hat to put it back into its proper place.
And there I stood, like an idiot child, just staring with loving eyes at Ike as he approached the shop on his way through town. I knew I should turn away. I knew I looked obvious, if not idiotic, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
No matter how many times I see Ike McSwain, I never failed to be mesmerized by the young man. I admire the air of self-assurance that surrounds the silent rider. I especially loved seeing him on his horse, the way he sits in his saddle, so tall and confident.
Sighing heavily as my heart raced from his being so near, I tried to pull my gaze off of him. Just as I was about to turn back toward the shop, he looked my way. I tell you diary, I nearly fainted. He turned toward me and our eyes locked. I didn’t know what to do. I could feel my eyes as wide as the night moon as I was helplessly lost in his curious gaze, his eyes kind and giving. Smiling that marvelously sexy smile of his, he tipped his hat to me. Can you believe it diary? He smiled at me.....at me.....Madelyn Archer.
So how do I repay his kind and friendly gesture? Can you guess what I did diary? Instead of smiling my most gracious smile, instead of saying hello, instead of acknowledging his courteous attempt, I turned my head. Yes diary, I turned my head away from the love of my life, from the man that holds my heart. And I wanted to die.
Diary, he must think I am a contemptuous and horrible person. He smiles and I turn away. I could feel my face burning with a blush, my cheeks feeling as hot as the sun. But no matter what my heart said, I could not make myself look back. At least not until I was sure he was far enough away from the shop that he would not see the shame in my eyes. I watched longingly as he turned the corner and headed to the bunkhouse.
I heard Ms. Sadie laughing. Startled, I turned to see her standing in the shop doorway. I held my breath, wondering just how long she had been standing there. Finally, I asked what had amused her so. When she said it was me, I felt as if I wanted to crawl in a hole. She said she couldn’t understand why I turn away in one breath and then look at him with such longing in the next.
Oh diary, I didn’t know what to say. I felt as if I were sinking in quicksand. I stammered and mumbled, trying to make excuses. But she knew. I think she has known all along. Ms. Sadie pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly to her chest. “You must find your courage Mady,” she said to me softly as she stroked my hair. “You deserve happiness and your worst hindrance is you.” As if an after thought, she turned back toward me before she went back inside the store. “He’s quite a handsome boy Mady. What have you got to lose?”
As Ms. Sadie slipped back into the shop, I turned back toward where my love had gone. I stood for several minutes considering the things she had said. Turning my face up to the darkening sky, I muttered the question to myself. What did I have to lose? My dignity? No, I was certain that I had sufficiently taken care of that today already. My solitude? No, I would be happy to see that go. I didn’t want to be alone. I just always had.
No, I think the real thing that I am afraid of losing is my heart. But then I guess I already lost that the day that I stepped off the stage and saw him standing on the boardwalk with the other riders. The first day that I saw him smile........
-Mady
May 25, 1860
Dear Diary,
How can my life turn from bad to worse in just a matter of a few minutes? I don’t understand what happened today, but I can’t ever show my face in this town again. That’s it diary, I have to move. I have to leave this town so that the shame cannot plague me for the rest of my days. Oh diary....and I was so close.
It all started early this afternoon. The rains had stopped, but clouds were still scattered across the sky. The sun peeked through layer after layer of cloud as they drifted slowly by. The streets were muddy from the last few days of showers, but were beginning to dry themselves.
Again, it was a rather slow day at the dress shop. I did some minor repairs on clothing for some of our customers in town. Just after lunch, Ms. Sadie sent me to get some flour for a pie that she intended to bake. Glad for the opportunity to get out of the small shop, I headed for Thompkin’s.
When I entered the store, I couldn’t help but do a quick survey of the room. I knew he wouldn’t be in there, but I did hope. I figured he was probably out on a run as he usually was. I went about the store, picking up bottles of lavender water, and inhaling deeply on the flowery smell. I looked through the new novels that had recently arrived. I gazed at the long shelves full of jars and bottles, just happy to get to see something other than the dress shop.
I picked up a bottle of cure all elixir and wondered why Thompkin’s would sell such rubbish. As I turned the purple bottle over in my hands, I heard a rowdy bunch heading toward the store and I knew instantly it was the riders. I stood there frozen, afraid to even breathe. I guess I thought if I didn’t move, they wouldn’t see me.
I looked over my shoulder, still facing the shelf as Jimmy and Kid came in the store, followed closely by Buck. I waited another minute, but there was no Ike. I was so sad and yet, so positively relieved at the same time. Buck looked at me and smiled, tipping his hat. I nodded my head as I turned back to the bottle in my hand. I saw Kid and Jimmy exchange amused glances and I couldn’t help but be curious as to what it all meant.
I moved to put the bottle back on the shelf when I heard his name. “Afternoon Ike,” Thompkin said as he leaned against the counter, smiling at the young man. At the mere mention of his name, I was turned into a bumbling idiot.
I stared straight ahead as I heard his boot heels click along the wooden floor. I tried to focus on the task at hand, putting the jar back down, but my palms were beginning to sweat. My heart raced so loudly that I could barely hear, the accelerated beats drowning out the sound around me.
I told myself that I had to get a hold of myself. I mean after all, he is just a boy. But as the thought rolled around in my head, I knew in my heart that Ike McSwain was no more just a boy than the sun was just a star in the sky. He was all I ever thought about; all I ever dreamed about. And he was only a few feet away from me.
I kept my back to the riders, my sweating hand still clutching the bottle. I could hear them cutting up with each other as they gathered up some supplies for Emma. Trying to steady the shaking of my hand, I finally managed to get the bottle back safely to the shelf. As I set it down and moved my hand back slowly, I exhaled deeply, happy to not have dropped it. But that’s when it all fell apart.
“Afternoon Mady.” I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard my name. Startled, I turned toward the voice, only to see Buck and Ike standing side by side. Ike had a bright smile on his handsome face, his hands resting casually on his gun belt. Buck stood next to him, his long black hair falling loosely on his shoulders. “I didn’t mean to scare ya Mady. The name’s Buck and this here’s...,” Buck tried to say, but I finished for him.
“Ike....I know.” I tried to smile, but was so caught off guard by the whole introduction. Buck and Ike exchanged curious glances as Ike turned his attention back to me. He smiled a warm and friendly smile, extending his hand.
I tell you diary, at that point, I was afraid I would faint. I stared at his strong callused hands, wanting so bad to take hold of it, to kiss it gently, to place it on my body, and yet so completely shocked at the thought of actually getting to take his hand in mine. I’m not sure how long I stood there, staring at his hand like a fool, but slowly, he began to withdraw it. I looked up quickly, not understanding why he would do that. That was when I realized that he thought I didn’t want to shake his hand.
“What’s a matter Mady?” Buck said, his voice a bit on the defensive.
I looked from Buck to Ike with wide eyes. “Oh no wait....I didn’t mean that...I was simply.......I.....um. I was just...very....a...surprised by your gesture.....” I stammered as I could feel my face burning with a blush. My heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I was sure they could hear it. Trying to make up for my terrible rudeness, I moved forward to grab Ike’s hand. And that’s when I fell.
It was like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. As I stepped forward, my toe caught on a loose board. With the quickness of my movement I was falling, no possibility of catching myself. Instead of just letting myself fall, what did I do? Can you guess diary? I tried to grab the shelve to steady myself, but instead, bottles of elixir flew through the air, crashing all around us.
To make matters worse, as if it could get any worse, I not only break the shelve, break all the bottles of elixir, but I then proceed to knock both Buck and Ike back into a display of lavender water bottles, all of which broke around the shocked riders.
The air smelled of flowery alcohol as I began to pull myself up from the floor. I could hear the laughter from Kid and Jimmy as Thompkin came charging over to check on the damage. I felt him grab me by the arm and haul me to my feet. As I stood there, I looked at Ike and Buck with complete horror on my face.
I felt pain in my hand and as I looked down, I saw a large shard of glass protruding from my palm. I pulled it out and watched as blood dripped from my hand to the floor. “Oh, your hurt,” Buck said as he tried wiping the layers of lavender water off of him. He grabbed Ike’s hand and pulled him to his feet.
It was at the moment when everything that had happened suddenly hit me like a runaway horse. I looked up at Ike to see him regarding me with what looked like pity. He started toward me, his eyes fixed on my hand and something in me finally broke. I turned and ran for the door. Buck and Jimmy were yelling for me to wait a minute as I pushed through the door.
I ran back to the dress shop with tears blurring my vision. What an absolute fool I was. I could still hear someone calling my name, but it didn’t matter at that point. I was humiliated. I had succeeded not only in alienating the man I love, but in trying to kill him with lavender water.
I slammed the dress shop door behind me, crying so hard that I could hardly breath. Ms. Sadie tried to stop me, asking me what was wrong, but I pushed past her and ran to my room and to you diary. I could hear a knock on the downstairs door just shortly after I came in and figured it was Thompkin wanting money for the damage I had caused.
Oh diary, the worst part about the whole thing is that I can’t get his smile out of my mind. He had stood there, smiling at me. I mean he smiled at me and I made an absolute fool of myself. Well, I guess it doesn’t much matter anyway. I can’t stay here now. I will be even more of an outcast than I already was, and I don’t think I can take that diary. I don’t think my heart can take that.
-Mady
May 28, 1860
Dear Diary,
All my life, I have been shy. Sometimes when you're shy, people don't understand that you don't do it because you want to, you do it because that's what your mind and body do. It's hard to control. I certainly didn't want to make such a complete fool of myself in Thompkin's, but diary, I swear my mind seems to absolutely shut down whenever my love is around. I feel helpless to stop it.
After my fiasco in the store with Ike McSwain, I knew he would never want to see me again. Miss Sadie had said that he was the one that had knocked on the shop door after I had run from the store. I don't know why she said it. I still don't really believe that it's true. She said he was concerned about me and wanted to know if I was all right.
Oh diary, why would she want to get my hopes up like that? Doesn't she understand that I can't take the pain of getting my hopes up only to find out that he thinks I'm some kind of freak like most people often do.
And if I weren't confused enough as it was, I had an interesting visit today as well. The afternoon was very warm, the sun shining strong and bright across the clear blue sky. The temperature was so high that instead of staying inside and baking like a Thanksgiving
Day turkey, I took some mending that needed doing and sat out on the boardwalk. A gentle breeze blew through town, providing relief from the hot sun.
As I sat on the boardwalk steps, a shadow fell across my lap. Feeling my heart start to beat faster, I glanced up to see Lou McCloud, one of the Pony Express riders, standing over me. I was curious as to why she was standing over me. Smiling, I bid her a good afternoon. She returned the greeting and asked if she could sit down.
I was extremely puzzled by her request to sit with me. I had only spoken to Lou one other time and that was a simple hello. As I looked at her face, I could see that she had serious things on her mind.
"How's your hand?" she asked, motioning to the heavy bandage that Miss Sadie had put on to my cut. It had actually taken three stitches to close the gaping wound. I hadn't intended on seeing Doc Barton about it, but Miss Sadie insisted.
I told her that it was still sore, but doing good. Looking at Lou, I could see that she had something specific on her mind, but she was trying to decide how to approach it. She sat with her hands resting in her lap, watching people pass by. But I could see her
mind working rapidly.
"Can I ask you a question Mady?" She turned so that she was facing me fully. Sensing the seriousness of her tone, I set my sewing aside. I told her that I would answer anything that I could. Quiet for a moment, she looked up at me with questioning eyes. "Why don't you like Ike and Buck?"
I tell you diary, I nearly fell off the boardwalk. I was so surprised that she would ask something like that when it was so far from the truth. I could feel my mouth hanging open as I stared at her, trying to formulate my thoughts. Blushing profusely, I told her that on the contrary, I liked them very much and asked her how she ever got the idea that I didn't like them.
"Well," she said, looking down at her hands. "Ike says that you refuse to talk to him. You never smile and you seem to avoid him at all costs. Buck says that sometimes you will be cordial to him, smiling when you see him, but other times you won't. And when you were in the store, you acted as if you were offended when Ike wanted to shake
your hand." Lou looked up at me, concern on her face. "Buck thinks you don't like them because they are different."
I was so at a loss. I was afraid something like that was going to happen, but I was so helpless to stop it. My shyness was like an albatross around my neck. I could feel my heart ache at the thought of Ike thinking I hated him. If he only knew.....
I tried to explain to Lou the situation at the store, that I had been taken so off guard. I wanted to make sure she knew that I was not the most coordinated person either. They had just surprised me, that was all. I told her that I had tried to explain it even to them in the store, but ended up causing more harm than good.
Lou laughed. "Yeah, I was there when they got back to the bunkhouse. It still smells like lavender in there." Lou watched me closely, listening to everything I said. It made me very nervous to have such undivided attention. But my goal was clear. I had to make her understand that I did and do like both Buck and Ike. But I certainly didn't want her to be able to see just how much.
We talked for a few more minutes, discussing how funny things can get turned around. When she finally left, I felt pretty confident that she understood that my reason was plain and simple....I was cursed. Cursed with shyness. And unfortunately diary, there is no cure.
-Mady
June 1, 1860
Dear Diary,
The sun has dawned on a new day and I lay sleepless for the second night in a row. I don't know why I can't sleep; it's not like I haven't tried. Miss Sadie has given me every possible remedy that she knows and yet, nothing works.
So instead of laying in bed, I decided to go for a walk. I needed the air. After the fiasco in the store and my talk with Lou, I needed to clear my head. Dressing quickly, and running a quick brush through my long brown curls, I headed out into the cool morning air.
As I stepped out into the fresh new day, I drew deeply on the air. I loved the fresh clean way the air smelled first thing in the morning. Looking up and down the silent streets I wondered which way I should go. There was no one around, all the buildings still slept quietly in the early morning dawn.
Not sure of where I was going, I just started walking. My tiredness pulled heavily on my bones, and yet no sleep would come. I turned my face up to the new morning and felt the first rays of sun on my face as it cascaded across the small town.
I continued to walk, my mind full of images of Ike, his gentle smile, his deep green eyes, his strong well defined body. I had to find a way to talk to him. I could feel my chances slipping away. Another blunder like the one in Thompkin's and I was sure he would never speak to me again.
When I finally realized where I was, I was standing in front of the corral at the Livery. The hostler was in the pen, breaking in a new horse. Watching him run the magnificent creature, I stood in awe of the peaceful beauty of that one man and one animal, trying to coexist. If they could do it, why was it so hard for me to even say hello to the man that I love.
I laid my arms on the top rail of the corral fence. Resting my head against my arms, I continued my silent observation, all the while, thoughts of my love's sweet face filled my heart. That was when I felt the presence next to me.
I turned to see who else was crazy enough to be up at the same unruly hour as I was only to find Ike standing beside me, a smile on his handsome face. I stood up straight, never once taking my eyes off of him. I wondered if I was just dreaming, the lack of two days sleep finally catching up with me. It occurred to me that my poor tired mind could have conjured him up to satisfy my multitude of thoughts.
But I knew that it wasn't just a dream. He was there, and I was simply too tired to run from him anymore. I took a deep breath and turned to face the man of my dreams. "Good morning Ike," I said as I tried to ignore the racing of my heart. With my shoulder resting on the fence railing, I leaned against it, my foot resting on its bottom rung.
He smiled, signing slowly, not sure if I would understand him. ~What are doing up so early?~ I could only understand a little, but it was still enough to make out what he was asking. I smiled, still wondering that myself. "Can't sleep," I told him, shrugging my shoulders.
He laughed. ~Me either~ We stood looking at each other for several minutes, silence passing between us. But it was a comfortable silence. For once, I didn't feel compelled to talk or too nervous to even think. I simply enjoyed his company.
"Listen Ike," I said, looking at my hands. "I'm so sorry about that whole thing at Thompkin's." Smiling, "I'm not that graceful, and you and Buck caught me off guard." I started to look away, but couldn’t. If I gave into the shyness, it would take over. So instead, I looked back into his charming green eyes.
~I know. Lou told me~ he signed, watching me with curious eyes. I knew he had to be wondering why I hadn’t run away yet. Or why I hadn’t broke anything yet. But the fact was, I wasn’t going to. Not anymore.
“Ike!” We both turned when we heard Emma calling his name. “Breakfast!” He looked at me bashfully. I could see that he didn’t want to leave and I felt my heart skip a beat. I watched him as he seemed to be considering something. He looked so handsome, his eyes concentrating on whatever it was that he was thinking about.
~Would you like to go for a ride with me tomorrow evening?~ he signed, watching me closely to see what I would say. I was so completely shocked by his request. I stood staring at him for a minute, loving the look of curiosity that he held on his face. Knowing that there was absolutely nothing that I would rather do, I smiled. “I would love to Ike.”
He looked at me with surprise. “Ike!” Emma called again, her voice cutting through the quiet morning. ~You’re sure?~ I could actually see excitement in his eyes as he looked back to the weigh station. I knew he had to go, but I didn’t want him to leave. “Positive,” I told him. “Pick me up around 5pm.”
His smiled covered his whole face, warming my heart. I couldn’t believe that he had actually asked me. He nodded his head. ~Tomorrow~ and then he was off, running toward the station.
I watched him until he was out of sight, my heart beating so quickly. I was going to be alone with him, out in the countryside. I felt like I was walking on clouds. He had smiled at me the way I had always dreamed he would.
Feeling the weight of two days of missed sleep finally sinking in, I headed back to the dress shop. I walked with my arms crossed over my chest, a big smile on my face. It was going to be a good day. That was, if I didn’t sleep through it.
-Mady
June 2, 1860
Dear Diary,
I’m so excited, but I’m so nervous. My love will be here in less than 6 hours and my stomach is in knots. I know I shouldn’t be nervous. Ike is gentle and sweet and caring. He would never do anything to harm me in any way. But the thought of being next to him, his strong masculine body, his sweet green eyes, that gentle smile.....well, I just feel weak.
After I got back to the dress shop yesterday morning, I fell instantly into a deep restful sleep. Miss Sadie let me have the day off, allowing me to sleep well into the afternoon and even on into the evening. Later that night, when I told her about my ride with Ike, I believe that she was almost as excited as I am about it. She’s a wonderful lady.
Now as the new day has dawned and a fresh clear sky hangs overhead, I have been doing everything I can to not allow myself get too nervous for my approaching evening. Oh diary, I’ve gone through my dresses a hundred times to make sure that I have picked the most flattering. I just hope he likes it.
I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be a rider for the Pony Express. It seems like such an adventure, riding from town to town, fighting off renegade Indians, avoiding bushwhackers....I can only dream of what it’s like. Maybe Ike will speak of it tonight.
I saw the riders this morning, very early, as they headed through town on their mounts. It’s marvelous to watch them approach, a motlier crew I have not seen. Each rider is so different and yet, they are so perfectly in tune with one another. I’ve seen them all interact during play as well as work and have witnessed the depths of their friendships. I only wish I could have friends like that.
James Butler Hickok is one that is quite fascinating to me. His reputation that has been built, although he shuns it like a disease at times, seems almost like a comfort as well. He has respect, whether from fear or friendship, and that’s something I think he really enjoys. As gossip passes, I once heard that Jimmy’s father was an abolitionist, and a devoted one at that, even if it was at the cost of his family and friends. As it goes, he spent most of his time fighting for the cause, in effect ignoring his youthful son.
I’ve often wondered if that was why Jimmy keeps such a large chip on his shoulder. If he keeps people at a distance, he won’t have to be disappointed by them.
The less that he has to care, the less he has to get hurt, and the less ghosts the young man has to carry with him.
A more charming fella I have not met than William F. Cody. His smile and grace are remarkable for such a young man. I’ve heard tale that there is no one that can shoot straighter than Cody. And yet, he is quite a mystery. I’ve often wondered what kind of family life he had growing up to be on his own at such a young age. He’s intelligent and obviously had some schooling, given his interest in reading and such.
But I think there is more to Cody than meets the eye. His flamboyant nature and youthful arrogance makes me wonder if he was lacking in attention, and as such, now craves it where ever he can. But then again, the reverse could be true as well. He had been given a tremendous amount of love and compassion as a youth, allowing him to grow up believing in himself and his abilities.
When I think of Buck, my heart goes out to the handsome Kiowa. He’s led such a rough life, having been rejected to such degrees from all the worlds he has ever known. Though his smile is warm and his laugh is good natured, there is such pain deep down in his eyes. I’m reminded of an animal that has been beat too much, quick to attack if threatened, but wanting desperately to belong.
Kid is even more so a mystery to me than Cody is. Diary, I don’t think anyone really even knows his real name. Not that mystery is a bad thing, but I often wonder what it is that he brings to their close knit group, besides leadership. I think that he has had to grow up quickly, often making him a “leader” of sorts to the rest of the lost souls.
I’m sure that it must be tough for a man of his upbringing in a Southern state, to deal with the unsettling ways of the West. But he seems to have adapted where it was needed. I’ve encounter Kid on several occasions in town and he has always been very polite to me. I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something soothing about his calm nature. He didn’t make me as nervous as most of them do and it’s very apparent his love for Lou.
Sometimes I wonder how Lou does it. I just can’t imagine what it would be like to always have to pretend that you are something that you’re not. And yet she does it every day. It’s not that I don’t understand why she does it; I definitely do. It’s tough to be a woman.
I admire Louise McCloud, her guts and determination. She puts herself in a dangerous position everyday, always fearing that someone may find out her secret, so that she can make a better life for herself. She doesn’t let herself be defined by a man, but made her own way in life. My pa would’ve never liked her.
My pa used to always tell me that I would never be nothing without a man. He used to say that women had a place and it was to sit by their husband’s side and look pretty. “A woman don’t need to be heard,” he always used to say. I remember one time, when I was 15, that I tried to tell him that it shouldn’t be that way. I swear diary, he nearly killed me that night. From then on, I guess I learned to keep quiet. The problem is that once you start being quiet, it gets harder and harder to stop.
But some people don’t have that option. My Ike doesn’t speak, and yet he says more in one gesture than I can say in a full conversation. He’s the quiet and loyal companion. From the times that I have seen them all together, it amazes me how much like Buck he is. He’s been hurt and abused by a cruel world that sees people for their differences. But, unlike Buck, Ike still seems to have hope, hope that the world will learn to accept, hope that a person will not be judged solely on their differences, hope for a place to belong and I think he has that with those riders.
To see them individually, they are just people in a world full of people. But together, they are a family, accepted without judgment. It does my heart good to know that it does exist out there, acceptance and understanding. I guess it just takes time to find the way. I’m still hopeful that I will find it some day, despite what my pa always said.
Oh diary, Miss Sadie is gonna kill me if I don’t quit wasting time. It just helps me to tell you my thoughts so I don’t think about how nervous I really am. I just have to remain calm and remember that he wants to be with me tonight. I just hope I don’t make him regret it. Wish me luck!!
-Mady
June 2, 1860
Dear Diary,
I just got back from my ride with Ike. Oh diary, it was awful. It was a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. The harder I tried to make it right, the less it actually worked. Diary, if it could go wrong, it did.
My heart is broken, my head is sore, and I’m fairly sure that I will never see my Ike again. My pa was right; I am worthless. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow diary, all the horrific details. Right now, the only thing I want to do is cry. Oh diary, why am I such a fool......
-Mady
June 3, 1860
Dear Diary,
I woke up early this morning, my eyes puffy and swollen from my sobs of sorrow last night. Miss Sadie seems to think that I’m over reacting, but I don’t think that is so. She wasn’t there. She didn’t see what a fool I made of myself. She doesn’t know the things I did.
It started out so perfect too. I had finally decided on my peach colored dress. It’s one that Miss Sadie made for me when I first arrived in Rock Creek. Diary, it’s so beautiful. It has this soft peach lace at the cuffs of the sleeves and small peach buttons on the bodice of the dress. Miss Sadie said it brings out the green in my hazel eyes.
She had helped me with my hair, pulling up the long curls and putting them in a comb. She said I needed to keep it off my face so he could see how pretty I was. I tell ya diary, I don’t know about that, but it did look pretty all up like that, with long loose curls hanging in the back. I had never seen myself dressed up like that before and it was kind of strange. Pa never would let me have such things as pretty dresses or fancy combs. He always said I was good for nothing so I didn’t need it. Oh how I wish he could have seen me yesterday.
Once I was ready, I waited in the dress shop, sitting in a chair with my hands folded in my lap. I swear diary, I feared that I would faint. Just the thought of Ike wanting to be with me made my heart race. As I looked at my pocket watch for the hundredth time in a span of ten minutes, I heard a knock at the door, and I froze. I sat wide eyed as a second knock was made.
Miss Sadie came in the room, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Madelyn, you must relax. Ike’s a sweet boy. He isn’t gonna bite.” She smiled at me with a mother’s love. Taking a deep breath, I made my way to the door. I could see his outline through the lace panel curtain and knew it was gonna be a good night. But I should have known better.
When I pulled open the door, I was greeted by a bright charming smile. There was a twinkle in his clear green eyes. Oh diary, I was in awe. He was dressed in a dark jacket with a thin black ribbon tie. His crisp white shirt was a definite contrast to the tanned skin of his neck. He had his red bandanna on while he held his hat in his hands. And his smile.....well, diary his smile.....I felt weak in the knees.
I watched as his eyes trailed over my body before meeting back with my gaze. Putting his hat back on his head, he signed smoothly with slow, graceful movements. ~You look beautiful~ Well as you can imagine diary, I instantly began to blush, feeling my cheeks burning red.
“You look very handsome Ike,” I managed to say. But I tell you diary, I have no idea where it came from. I didn’t think; it just kind of came out. I guess I finally let my heart speak for once. And it was so adorable. He blushed himself, looking bashfully at the ground. With a grand smile, he held out his arm to me, motioning toward the wagon he had brought. Seeing the wagon, I felt relieved. I hadn’t even thought of how I was gonna get on a horse in my dress. But he had thought ahead....my angel.
As we walked to the wagon, I felt as if half of Rock Creek was standing along the streets, watching us. I could feel the eyes probing, and began to get nervous. Glancing toward Ike, I couldn’t help but smile at the way he held his head up high as if proud to be seen with me.
After helping me into the wagon, we headed off out of town. I had no idea where we were going, but I knew Ike did. As we passed by the jailhouse, Sam and Emma stood on the boardwalk, arm in arm. I could see them watching us, smiles on their faces. Sam tipped his hat to me as he pulled Emma tightly to his side, quietly talking as we passed. I wasn’t sure what that was about, but there was nothing critical in their gazes, only happiness.
Once the town was behind us, I realized just how close I was sitting to the man of my dreams, and felt my whole body tense. I had never gone anywhere with a boy before so I was terribly unsure of how to act. As my nervousness set in more and more, I began to ramble on, either asking Ike all kinds of questions or carrying on about mending clothes and making dresses which I knew was something he would care nothing about, but I was helpless to stop it. It was either one extreme or the other with me, no in between.
Ike must have sensed that my relentless rattling was due to nervousness. As if to easy my tension, he took my hand in his, resting it on his thigh. I instantly froze in mid-sentence, never having suspected such a gesture. I glanced toward him, my eyes wide with surprise, only to see him staring at the road ahead, a comfortable smile on his handsome face.
We sat like that for a while, simply enjoying the scenery that passed as well as each other’s company. I tried to concentrate on the beautiful countryside, but my mind kept going back to my hand in his. I loved the way his skin felt against mine, our hands seeming to be a perfect fit.
He pulled the horses to a stop near a large grassy field. I could hear a small stream babbling off somewhere close and could see the start of a small wooded area in the distance. He looked at me and smiled, releasing my hand and climbing out of the wagon. I stood to follow him, only to see him with his arms held up to me, waiting to help me from the wagon.
I felt as if I were walking on clouds; in a dream that I never wanted to wake up from. I moved forward, placing my hands on his shoulders as he laid his on my waist. As he tightened his grip, he moved his hands in just the wrong way, grabbing my ticklish spot. Startled, I squealed with laughter, having completely forgotten just how ticklish I really was.
Oh diary, you should have seen it. When I cried out, I must have spooked the horses because they jerked forward. The sudden movement caught me off guard and sent me tumbling forward. I felt myself falling and the worst part was, I was taking Ike down with me. He hit the dirt first, landing on his back with a thud, and I followed right behind. Oh diary, it gets worse. I didn’t just land in the dirt though. I landed right on top of him, my whole body crashing into his.
Once we landed, I looked up at his face, still lying right on top of him with my hands on his chest. I could see him laughing as he tried to catch his breath. I tell you diary, I was mortified. I jumped up as quickly as I could, grabbing his arm to pull him up as well. I tried to dust him off, the dirt covering his handsome black jacket.
He put his hands up to stop me from swatting at his coat, his face full of amusement. ~It’s all right. It can be cleaned. But are you okay?~ He searched my face for some sort of recognition of my well being. I was so stunned. I had knocked him down, covered him in dirt and yet, he was more concerned about me.
I just shook my head yes as I stared into his brilliant green eyes. I could see so much compassion in that man, even after all he had been through in his life. He held no grudges with it, only seeming to live for the moment.
He brushed a stray stand of hair that had fallen from my comb out of my eyes, allowing his fingers to linger along the side of my face. Oh diary, the moment his fingers touched my skin I felt as if lightning had struck me, my heart bursting with joy. If God had chosen to take me at that moment diary, I swear I would have died a happy woman, if nothing else than to just feel his touch one time.
He took my hand and led me through the knee high green grass as we made our way to the small stream. It was such a breathtaking spot. The stream ran through the valley at an angle, smoothly flowing on its merry way. Small flowers dotted the banks of the stream and the beginnings of the forest were just to our right. It seemed so untouched.
“Oh Ike, it’s beautiful,” I said as I let go of his hand, walking closer to see the soothing stream. The sun hung lazily on the horizon as another day was coming to a close. As I scanned the area around the stream, a small daisy was put right into my line of vision. I had been so enthralled in the magnificent surroundings, that it wasn’t until that moment that I felt Ike’s closeness behind me. I could almost feel his breath on my bare neck.
I took the flower, turning to face him. ~Not nearly as beautiful as you~ I nearly fainted as he took in every detail of my face. Oh diary, I was so at a loss. I didn’t know what to think. Only that I knew I loved him more than I had ever loved anything in my life, even if it was only my first time even being that near to him.
I took one step back, turning my face bashfully toward the ground. That’s when I felt myself begin to fall. I guess I must have misjudged my stance because as I stepped back, my foot slipped down the small embankment. With lightning quick reflexes, Ike grabbed hold of my waist, pulling me back toward him. Oh diary, if he only wouldn’t have grabbed my ticklish side.
As he pulled me back to him, I began to squirm, absolutely helpless not to. It was strange the way it happened. As he pulled me back on the bank, he turned just enough to his side that when I began to squirm, it was his foot that went right off the small embankment. He landed with a splash on his bottom in the slow moving stream.
I stood on the banks, my face frozen in horror, my hands pressed to my lips. “Oh dear Lord,” I had thought to myself, watching him as he slowly pulled himself from the stream. His bottom was soaked, as well as his legs and feet and his arms up to his elbows where he had tried to catch himself.
I stumbled quickly forward, offering my hand as he pulled himself out of the stream. He stood before me, a playful smile on his face as I pulled my handkerchief from my pocket. Diary, I had no idea what I was even doing at that point. I just patted at his hands and coat sleeves, apologizing profusely over and over. I’m not even sure what all I said, the only thing I could hear was my pa’s voice creeping through my mind.
“See Mady, I told ya you were worthless. You can’t even go for a simple ride without making a mess of it. You’re stupid, no one’s ever gonna want a useless whore like you.” I tried to shake his awful drunken voice out of my mind as I paced back and forth. That’s when I felt Ike’s hands grab me by my shoulders, turning me to face him.
I knew I must have looked like a fool to him, but he was amazing. Even after knocking him in the dirt and then the stream, he still smiled. ~At least now my coat’s clean~ I was baffled by his casualness. Despite my thoughts of terror, I laughed, feeling so comfortable with that amazing man. I watched as he took my hand in his, bringing it to his lips and placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. ~I think we might want to get back before it gets dark. Or before my pants freeze to me~ He opened his hand as if feeling the cool gentle evening breeze that was blowing in.
He put his arm around my shoulder and led me back to the wagon. I felt so embarrassed by the whole afternoon. I couldn’t believe what I had managed to do in such a short time span. And even though he seemed unfazed by it all, I knew he had to be wondering why he had ever asked me to join him in the first place.
We rode back to town without incident. I tried to stay in my spot as not to cause anymore accidents. Again, he took my hand in his, only this time gently rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand. I could feel my heart in my throat at his comforting gesture. My only thought was that he must have felt sorry for me for being so unbelievably clumsy.
The darkness of the evening had fully settled in as we entered town. Few people were on the boardwalks, the only real business being in the saloon. We passed by all the sleeping buildings before stopping in front of the dress shop. As he jumped down from the wagon, he took my hand this time, placing his other hand on my back as I climbed down. He wasn’t gonna take anymore chances, I was sure.
He walked me to the door and we both shuffled our feet nervously. I thought of the incident in the dress shop as well as the whole afternoon and looked nervously down the street. I knew he had to be glad that it was almost over, the disaster known as Mady. As I looked toward the livery, I heard a creak in the boardwalk near me. I turned quickly to see what it was and......
*SMACK* ........collided my forehead right into his.
I stepped back, my hands flying to my head as white spots covered my vision. I could hear Ike gasping as he stepped back in the opposite direction. As my vision began to clear, I could see him holding his head in both hands, shaking it from side to side. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I knew he had to be silently cursing me, the way my pa always used to.
Horrified to see the same look of disgust I had seen so often from men in my life, I opened the door quickly and disappeared inside, slamming it closed behind me. I felt all my hope gone and my heart bleeding from sorrow. Why did I always have to screw everything up? As I ran up the stairs, I could hear a faint knock on the door but I didn’t look back. I ran straight to my room and threw myself on the bed. My life was over.
As I lay here in bed now, thinking back to last nights events, I at least know that I will always be able to see Ike’s face in my mind....the sweet way he had looked at me when I had opened the door, the way he had laughed when I had knocked him in the dirt, the bashful glance as we stood on the boardwalk....even if I never see him again.
I know Miss Sadie has a full day scheduled for today so I had better get down stairs before she comes hollering. Oh diary, even though I may never see my Ike again, I at least know what it is like to feel special....even if it was for only one afternoon.
-Mady
Summer is finally starting to show itself. The birds are singing and the flowers are in bloom. It does a heart good to feel the birth of a new season upon us. My work has kept me busy. It has been three weeks since my arrival in Rock Creek. Though I have not made many new friends, Ms. Sadie has been kind to me. Her offer for work couldn’t have come at a better time. My life was slowly falling apart around me and I knew not what I would do. My ability as a seamstress proved worthy and now I am doing quite well. The room above the shop that she allows me to rent has been a God send. I truly fear what might have happened had she not come through for me.