Lou stood by the empty stall, her shirt untucked, straw in her hair, and her arms wrapped around her middle. She was staring at the two men that were just outside the open barn door. They were smiling that knowing smile, the one that said they knew what they had done and were not only proud of it but had enjoyed it, too. Lou was mortified and…and stunned. She'd believed they were her friends, that they both cared for her.

"Pay up, Hickok," Kid said holding out his hand.

Jimmy handed Kid a gold piece then tipped his hat to her and walked away. Kid called out something that Lou couldn't quite make out to Jimmy and then started toward her.

When he was close enough to her to speak without being too loud he said, "Guess you'll be wanting part of this." He held the gold coin up to her.

Lou shook her head and said the only thing her stunned brain would allow her to, "Why?"

"Why?" Kid sneered when he was directly in front of her. "Why do ya think? You're easy."

"Easy?" Lou couldn't understand why when she was raging inside she could only manage to get one word out at a time. Her heart was breaking into tiny pieces and the world where she'd finally found some peace…had finally after so long felt safe was now gone.

"Easy. Gullible. Jimmy and I both saw it from the start and made a deal. One of us would gain your trust make you think he loved you and the other would become your best friend. When we got what we wanted from you or if we got bored with the game which ever one was with you would break it off. You didn't think it was for real did you?" As Lou's eyes filled to brimming with tears Kid began to laugh. "I can't wait to tell Jimmy this. He didn't believe you'd fall for it. He bet me ten whole dollars," Kid held up the coin to emphasize the point, "you were smarter then that. I said you were like most women…plain stupid."

Lou felt her breakfast begin to churn in her stomach. This couldn't be happening. They were her friends, weren't they? Kid claimed to love her. She shook her head as he had spoken, denying what he said. "B…but…you…said…you..." the words died on her tongue as she tried to say them.

"Loved you?" Kid's face turned mean as he said with disgust, looking her up and down, "How can a man love a woman who doesn't even care how she looks? Or one that sees five men...none of them her kin…including a breed and a nigger in their underclothes everyday. Not to mention all the men you've seen at the other stations."

Lou felt the rolling in her stomach becoming worse and the bile rising in her throat. "I told you why I had to do this. I'm not a whore and nothing else would pay as well as this job." The shock was wearing off and now she was becoming angry, but still the hurt was almost more then she could bear.

"No, you are worse than a whore. You ain't even smart enough to get paid for it." The evil smile he had worn earlier reappeared on his face as he said, "Or did the men at the other stations pay you and you just gave it away to me and Hickok?"

Lou raised her hand to slap him but Kid caught her wrist and squeezed as he stepped closer to her. "I should show you what happens to little girls that pretend to be a man," he said stepping closer.

Lou saw it in his eyes then. The same glint she'd seen in Wicks' that night and she lost the fight to keep her breakfast in her stomach. The only good part to throwing up was that it sprayed all over Kid's favorite shirt. The smell of the regurgitated eggs was terrible and the strawberries that had been a treat that morning began to stain the blue shirt leaving purple spots.

"Why you little bitch! You did that on purpose," Kid growled making a fist and drawing his arm back.

Suddenly out of nowhere Buck's knife just missed Kid's face and stuck in the post next to Kid's head. "Back off, Kid," Buck ordered his eyes cold and his face unreadable.

"Do you see what she did?!" Kid said pointing to his shirt and the vomit that covered it.

To Lou's utter mortification, Buck said, "Saw…and heard it all." Buck walked closer. "Teaspoon heard, too." He looked down at the small female rider and the hurt and fear in her eyes tore at his own heart.

"What'd you do, Injun, call in the boss to hide behind?" Kid sneered. He still held Lou's wrist in his grip but he had turned to face Buck.

"Didn't have to. He was helping me get the hay up in the loft." Buck knew that if Kid didn't let go of Lou soon he would kill him…and he still might if he did let go. "Let her go, Kid. You've done enough."

Kid looked down to where he held Lou's wrist. "Ya want Hickok's and my leftovers? Humph, 'bout the only thing she's good for is some Injun that'll use her as his squaw then trade her for something better when she's used up." Kid roughly pulled Lou forward dropping her wrist. "Take the bitch," he said as he pushed her toward Buck.

Lou stumbled toward Buck and he caught her before she fell. Buck couldn't believe how cold Lou felt on such a warm day. When she looked up at him, he saw all the pain and hurt she felt on her face. The most heartbreaking though was the look of disbelief he saw mixed with the rest of the emotions.

Kid pulled an expensive-looking watch from his pocket and, glancing at it, smiled. "If y'all excuse me, I've got a stage to meet." Looking down at Lou he twisted the knife a bit deeper into the wound, as he continued, "My wife is joining me finally. A real lady not some gun runner's bastard bitch." He added insult to injury when he laughed at the hurt anyone could see in the girl's face.

He walked away from them then and left Lou trembling trying to hold back the tears she knew were just below the surface. But she'd be God damned to hell if she'd let him see them. As Kid started to walk through the door of the barn he was knocked on his ass by someone just outside the door. "Guess you and Hickok didn't understand what I said in the sweat lodge 'bout family." The three riders stared at the man in the doorway of the barn. The familiar face of the station master was contorted and harder than Lou and Kid had ever seen it. Buck recognized the look; he'd seen it on Teaspoon in Texas a few months before. When Teaspoon started speaking again his voice was icy cold, "Hickok's done packed and on his way. I'll give you the same advice I gave him. Get your miserable carcass out of my station…my town, and if I see you or hear of you within a hundred miles of this station…you're a dead man."

Kid was fuming. No one treated him like this, especially over a no-account bitch. "You'll regret this old man, my p - " He didn't get any further as Teaspoon's boot connected with his ribs…hard.

Lou couldn't stop shaking as she looked on. This wasn't happening, couldn't be happening. Kid wouldn't speak to Teaspoon like that. Teaspoon wouldn't hit Kid the way he had or kick him. She looked up at Buck but he seemed to be as stunned as she was by what was happening. Kid and Jimmy had…had.... She turned away as she felt her stomach begin to roll again. What was happening to the family they had formed?

Stepping back from Kid, Teaspoon spat, "Your sorry excuse for a pa will what? Save your hide from me like he did your brother from Hickok's gun? That cotton-rat pa of yours tucked his tail between his legs and ran home to Virginia when the going got tough in Texas …Ha...He ain't gonna do a God damn thing."

Kid lay on the floor just inside the barn staring in shock at Teaspoon as he realized Teaspoon knew his father.

"What you didn't know?" Teaspoon said his voice dripping with sarcasm as he used Kid's own words to mock him. Then pulling him up by the front of his shirt Teaspoon growled, "I know your pa real well, boy. About hung his sorry hide from several fine Texas trees. Last month he came to me and begged me to watch out for his boy when Jed told him you were here. Paid me right handsomely to do so." As Teaspoon let go of him he pushed Kid back to the floor of the barn as he sneered, "He knew you two boys were no good. Just…like…him." Teaspoon had leaned down and with each word of his last sentence he'd poked Kid in the chest. He knew he was pushing the young man to draw and wanted him to…more then he cared to admit. He loved the girl like a daughter and knew she'd innocently given herself to Kid thinking he loved her. She'd been hurt when he took up with the schoolmarm that had just resigned and she'd then taken up with Hickok thinking he cared for her too. She hadn't deserved to be treated the way they had treated her.

Teaspoon grabbed Kid by the shirt front again and flung him out of the barn and toward the corral. "Get the hell off this property and don't let me see your sorry hide again!" Teaspoon shouted his fury getting the better of him. At the shout Rachel stepped out onto the porch of the house with her shotgun. She had no idea what had happened but knew from the sound of the shouting it wasn't good.

"Fine, Marshall!" Kid yelled back as he snatched Katy's reins from the post they were tied to. "But I ain't goin' far. Pa bought out the Langston brothers last week. We're gonna be runnin' cattle on the place. And before long we'll be runnin' the territory with the rest of the Cattlemen's Association." Kid swung up onto Katy and turned to look at Teaspoon again. "You'll be the one run out this time, Ranger." Kid began to laugh and Lou shivered at the evil she heard in it. "Along with the Injuns and niggers." He moved Katy closer to where Lou and Buck now stood in the doorway of the barn and looked down at Lou. He tipped his hat to her as he said, "Of course whores will be welcome. A man has to have some place to sate his lust so as not to offend the sensibilities of his wife." He laughed again as he kicked Katy hard and left.

Buck had pulled his gun and was taking aim at him when Teaspoon pushed his arm down saying, "Let him go, Buck. There will be another time to settle this. Take Lou on up to Rachel and tell her what happened." He turned to where Lou should have been standing to find her crumpled on the ground. She was curled up in a ball, and shaking uncontrollably. Teaspoon and Buck bent down beside her to see what they could do to help her.

Buck whispered something to Lou in Kiowa that Teaspoon couldn't quite make out as he gently picked her up and started towards Rachel's. Buck let the tears that he had held in check run down his cheeks. He admired her stamina to stand and face the man who had played her for a fool and broke her heart. She was as strong as…as Walks Alone, his mother, had been. Which told him this wasn't the first time a man had hurt her and his anger grew toward the two men he'd once called friends.

When he reached the porch, Rachel showed him into the house and the guest bedroom. After making sure Lou was out, he didn't know if she was asleep or passed out from all that had happened, he explained to Rachel what had happened and what he'd heard the two men say to each other just outside the door of the barn and Lou's hearing. Rachel's face had paled and he'd helped her to the kitchen where they found Teaspoon and Ike, who had just returned from a run, at the table.

Rachel moved to get them all coffee and about spilled it in Teaspoon's lap when she tried to pour it because her hands were shaking so badly. She looked down at him anger and disbelief in her voice as she said, "How could they? How could they…could they treat her like that?"

Teaspoon took the pot of coffee from her and pulled her into the seat beside him. "I don't know," he said his voice no longer angry but filled with hurt and disappointment. "I thought I had taught you boys better," he said looking up at Buck and Ike.

*You have* Ike said. *Doesn't Jimmy have sisters? You think he would know how it would hurt a woman to be treated like that.*

"He should," Teaspoon said. "His pa should have taught him to respect women." Teaspoon sighed, and shook his head, "Guess he learn different from his pa, can't say it not to be expected from what we know about Jimmy's past." To Buck it looked as if Teaspoon had aged several years in a short period of time. "Guess we really didn't know either of them." Then he made a decision he knew one person wouldn't be pleased with when she came out of the shock she was in, "I'm writing St. Jo in the morning and tell them we've hired another person to take care of things around here and that we need two new riders." He looked at Rachel, "I don't want you to let her -" He jumped to his feet as Lou let out a scream in the other room.

He was fast but Buck and Rachel followed by Ike reached Lou first. She looked up at Rachel tears streaming down her face, shaking her head. "Why? What's wrong with me, Rachel?" she cried as she looked up at her friend. "Why do they always want to hurt me?"

"Shhh, Lou, it's not you honey. It's them, there's something not right in them." She sat on the edge of the bed rocking the young woman back and forth trying to calm her down. She looked up at the three men in the doorway of the room hoping one would know what to do because this was one time she was at a loss as to how to handle things.

Teaspoon motioned for Ike and Buck to follow him out while Rachel took care of Lou. He knew Rachel could help Lou but he also knew there was someone else that could bring Lou out of her shock quicker. "Buck, I want you to head out for Kearney now. She needs a ma right now more than a friend."

Buck hadn't even waited for Teaspoon to finish before he moved toward the door. Upon reaching the barn he pulled his knife from the post as the picked up a horse blanket from the stall wall. He threw the blanket onto the horse and grabbing a handful of mane swung on to the back of Dakota. "Sorry, boy, this is going to be like the old days since I don't have time to saddle you. We've got to get Emma for Lou."

Ike stepped out onto the porch of the house as Buck flew out of the barn. Buck held up a hand in farewell and Ike did the same. Knowing Buck couldn't seen him since he was already heading quickly toward the open prairie, Ike still signed, *Ride safe.*

*************

Three days

Three days later Buck started to pull a buggy to a stop in front of the house as Emma jumped from it and ran up the steps and into the house. She moved faster then Buck had thought she could since they had driven straight through only stopping to rest the two very tired horses hitched to the buggy. They had eaten at a couple of stations and had taken along food when they left. She entered the house and quickly introduced herself to Rachel then asked where Lulabelle was. Rachel pointed up the stairs saying, "She's not slept or ate in three days. She won't even leave the room. We're all worried she's going to get sick…" Rachel looked down as the tears began to fall again, "…if she ain't already."

Emma patted Rachel on the shoulder. She could see how much Rachel cared for Lou. "We'll get her better," she said as she hugged Rachel but even as the words came out of her mouth Emma wasn't so sure. "I'm going to let her know I'm here and I want you to bring me some broth…beef if you have it. Has she been drinking anything?"

Rachel shook her head. "She's had a few sips of water, but she won't even take the medicine the doctor left. We tried to slip it in her water but she threw the glass against the wall and started crying again."

Emma nodded. She walked over to the cabinet and took down two cups and saucers. Picking up the coffee pot she poured the steaming brew into the cups. "Now you bring that broth up when I send for it," she gently ordered Rachel. "And I want you to put on plenty of water to heat. In a bit send it and the tub up with two of the boys." Emma headed up the stairs as Rachel hurried out of the kitchen to do as she had asked.

Reaching the door of the room Lou had occupied since the "incident." Emma took a deep breath and opened the door. "Lulabelle, Rachel told me downstairs that you haven't eaten or drank enough the last few days to keep a bird alive. Now sit up here and tell me what happened because you know Mr. Spoon just exaggerates everything almost as bad as Cody does."

Lou didn't move. She'd had this same dream several times since it had happened and she didn't have the strength to go through it again. "Now Louise McCloud, I didn't leave my home a mess and my husband to his own devices to come here and have you ignore me. Now roll over here and sit up. We need to talk."

Lou turned her head. There sat Emma on the edge of the bed holding two cups of coffee. This hadn't happened in her dreams before. "Come on, sit up and take this. I can't very well drink mine if you don't take one. And to tell the truth I need it if we're going to work through this since Buck and I were up most of the night getting back here."

"You're really here," Lou said wonder and confusion in her voice as she slowly pushed herself into a sitting position. Reaching out she took the cup and saucer from Emma. She wanted so much to hug Emma and be held by the closest thing she had to a mother anymore, but she felt so dirty and couldn't bring herself to touch anyone. "Did they tell you?" Lou asked looking down, just holding the coffee.

Emma heard the girl's stomach growl. The stench in the room was almost unbearable between Lou's unwashed body and the still-full chamber pot. She nodded and took a sip of the hot coffee. "They did."

"I'm sorry, Emma."

"For what, Lulabelle?"

"I slept with both of them, even though I knew it wasn't right," Lou replied as her tears began to dot the covering her. "I thought they loved me."

"You slept with them at the same time?" Emma asked her heart breaking for Lou. She knew Lou was strong but something like this had caused other stronger girls to succumb to the seedier side of life.

"No," Lou replied her eyes wide. "Kid and I broke up about a month ago. Jimmy and I just started courtin'. I got to wonderin' that day if I'd been missin' somethin' with Kid and that was why I decided to…to let it go as far as it did," Lou's voice was so quiet Emma had to lean toward her to hear her.

Emma took another sip and smiled a bit when Lou did the same. When Lou wrinkled her nose up at the coffee, Emma relaxed a bit. Her Lulabelle was going to be just fine, even if she didn't know it yet. The girl had never liked coffee and would only drink it when she had nothing else. "Did you flaunt what you did with them in front of each of them or the others?" Emma asked her voice serious.

"Of course not," Lou replied her voice rising defensively just a bit. "I'd never do something like that, Emma. I didn't think any of 'em knew about me and Jimmy."

"Of course you wouldn't," Emma said as she patted Lou's leg. Lou tensed when she did, and anger toward the two young men replaced the hurt she had felt when she'd heard what had happened. "I bet you thought Kid was going to ask you to marry him," Emma stated matter of factly.

Lou nodded. "He did but I asked him to give me sometime and he got angry. Then Jimmy…he was so nice to me…" Lou's voice broke and she took another sip of the coffee.

"Jimmy can be a charmer when he wants," Emma replied with a slight smile, "even more so than Cody when the need arises."

Lou was quiet and Emma watched her out of the corner of her eye. "I just want to know why they did it." Lou mumbled.

Emma sighed. She remembered someone saying the same thing to her once and even though it didn't help matters she repeated what she had been told, "You may never know the reason why, Lulabelle. And even if one of them were to tell you, would you believe him?"

Lou didn't even have to think about it. "No. Never."

Emma took Lou's cup and hers and sat them on the table next to the bed. She took Lou's hands in hers and even though the girl tried to pull away she held on. "Now Lulabelle, I have a question for you and I want you to tell me the truth." Lou looked up at Emma and Emma almost lost her nerve to ask Lou what she needed to know. "Why didn't you get mad? The Louise I remember would have shot those boys and then given them what for while they lay in the dirt. Why didn't you…" Emma searched her brain for the right words, "…you fight back?"

Lou managed to finally pull her hands away from Emma. She turned and stared out the window until Emma Emma gently cupped her chin to face her. Again she felt Lou tense and pull away at her touch. When Emma saw her worst fear in Lou's eyes, her own eyes filled with tears. This hadn't been the first time a man had hurt her Lulabelle. "Tell me, Lulabelle."

They sat there for a bit as Lou struggled with whether or not to tell Emma about what had happened to her in St. Jo. Finally realizing Emma wasn't going to let it go until she told her, Lou started telling her the story. "About a year or so after I left the orphanage I went to work in St. Jo for a man. I thought he was respectable and he was always nice to me even though the women that worked for him didn't care for me. It took me a week to figure out what kind of place he ran. I was fixin' to leave when it happened…" Lou swallowed the lump in her throat. She couldn't say the words, never had been able to tell anyone what had happened at the hands of Wicks. "The next day I snuck out with the help of Charlotte…she was one of Wicks favorites but she hated him. She told me to run and not ever look back. Even told me she'd find me someday and we'd become respectable sewing for the rich ladies."

"She sounds real nice, Lulabelle." Patting Lou's hand Emma said, "Now come on Rachel is going to be bringing up a tray for you soon and then young lady, you are going to take a bath and wash those two men off of you."

Lou just stared at Emma and listened.

"Then you are going to help me and Rachel fix dinner we have five hungry men down stairs to feed since Cody and Noah passed us on the way in. Teaspoon done spoke to the home office and said that you were my niece and you had been ill until recently. All they know is the station was a gift from me to you since you lost your parents and you needed an income to take care of you and your siblings." When Lou started to protest Emma held up her hand. "This place was going to be my wedding present to you when you married but I think you could use the income from the Express and bring that brother and sister of yours here so the three of you can be a family again," Emma said smiling at Lou. "You won't be riding for the Express but Teaspoon said anytime you need to race across the prairie, just let him know and a horse would be saddled for you. He'll even let you have your pick of the mounts. The man is worried sick about you. You're the closest thing to a daughter he has."

"But Aman-" Lou started.

"Amanda O'Connell is a fine woman and a good business woman but you're the daughter, Mr. Spoon never had." A knock sounded on the door and Emma walked over and opened it. "Thank you, boys, for bringing the tub up. Sit it down over there by the fireplace. Buck would you get a fire going for us please." Buck nodded and Emma turned to Cody saying, "Let Rachel know we'll be needing that broth in about an hour or so when Lou's done with her bath. " Emma looked down at Lou who had the blanket from the bed pulled up to her chin but her feet were sticking out from the other end of it. She laughed at the site, and noticed that Lou relaxed a bit more.

Buck got the fire going and gave Lou a slight smile as he left the room. Before he left the room Emma scolded him saying, "I thought you would be in bed getting some rest by now. That long ride was as hard on you as it was the horses, now get yourself a bath and get in bed." When Buck started to protest she added, "Don't argue with me Buck Cross, and tell Mr. Spoon I said that you had to rest."

"Yes, ma'am," Buck replied a bit embarrassed at being scolded by Emma.

As he left Emma noticed Lou had started to close herself off again as the girl slid down to lay on the bed. Her voice taking on a stern motherly quality she said, "No, ma'am, you are not going back to sleep until you have had a hot bath and eaten something." She noticed Lou flinch as she touched the girl's cheek. "Lou, someday when you least expect it, you'll be happy again. But you listen to me-this is the hard part-one day you'll see one or both of them on the street in town. Sweetwater ain't a big city and folks run into each other. Now, as he walks past he'll realize what he lost when he hurt you and you'll know that look. You are going to hold your head high and not even give him the satifacation of recognizing him." Emma saw that Lou was listening so she continued, "If he speaks to you…this is what I want you to do…you're going to be polite even if he insults you. You'll hold your head high and if he pushes the matter…" Emma held out a derringer to Lou, "…shoot him."

Lou started to laugh at the picture Emma painted with her words. Catching a whiff of her breath Lou wrinkled up her nose and gagged.

"I told you, you needed to get cleaned up. Come on, Lulabelle," she said pulling Lou to her feet and leading her like a small child to the tub. Emma knew Lou was going to be fine. Heck, she might even take her advice and shoot the sorry excuses for men. "I bet if we ask Rachel she might even have some of those fancy bath salts you could use."

As she helped Lou bathe, Emma recalled a conversation she'd had with Jimmy once and she began her own plan to avenge her friend.

***************

Several months later

Emma sat next to Sam a fake smile on her face and watched the young man sitting on the other side of her. "Jimmy, have you spoken to Teaspoon or the others since you left the Express to work for the sheriff here?" she asked her voice sweeter then need be.

Sam swallowed hard. He knew what had happened and told Emma he'd deal with the boy. To him it looked like Jimmy thought he was being a man but he and Kid both had behaved like mean boys. Emma had other plans though. Sam knew by the time the two ladies at the table were done with him Jimmy would wish Sam had given him the beating he wanted to.

"No. Don't have a reason to," Jimmy replied a bit annoyed.

"Sam, I've got a couple of cigars if you'd like to step outside and have one," Nathan offered Territorial Marshall Sam Cain. Catching Emma's disapproving look he added, "To celebrate the birth of our son of course."

Sam laughed at Nathan's attempt to stay on Emma's good side. Since he and Emma had arrived a few days earlier and Emma had a long talk with Celinda and Nathan had over heard his wife's plans for her little brother, they had both been a bit wary of their wives. Then of course, Sam would be the first to admit that when Emma became angry it was a sight to behold. "Don't mind if I do." Turning to Celinda he said, "Right fine dinner, Celinda. Much better then the hotel could have offered."

Celinda blushed and thanked Sam for his compliment. Jimmy started to stand when Celinda said, "James, don't rush out with the men I fixed your favorite dessert."

"Blackberry cobbler?" Jimmy said looking very much like a little boy who had just been given a much wanted present.

"Of course," Celinda replied sounding a bit insulted as she sat a heaping bowl of the still hot cobbler in front of Jimmy. "It's the last of the berries for this year."

Jimmy ate as Celinda and Emma talked about ladies things, both wearing slight smiles. When he had only a couple of bites left Celinda asked, "James, you remember Aunt Aggie don't you?"

Jimmy nodded as he felt something tighten in his stomach.

"Do you recall that we girls spent part of every summer with Aunt Aggie?" Celinda was having a hard time pretending not to see the pain her brother was in. But she knew this was one lesson he needed to learn very badly.

Jimmy started to open his mouth and ask his sister what that had to do with anything when his stomach cramped causing him to double over in pain…and that was when they made their move. Each one took one of his Colts and laid it on the table in front of them. "What the hell is going on, Celinda?" he asked loudly.

Celinda frowned. "Keep your voice down, James." She paused and, looking up, listened for sounds from her son. When none came she turned back to her brother. "Because if you wake your nephew I'm going to make you wish you hadn't," his sister hissed at him.

"Then tell me what's going on," Jimmy replied angrily as another cramp almost caused him to double over.

"No, James, you tell me why you did what you did?" Emma said and Jimmy swung his glaze at her.

Jimmy didn't like what he saw in Emma's eyes. She knew. "What'd she do go runnin' to you?" Before he knew what was happening Celinda hit him upside the back of his head like his mother use to when she was angry with him. "Damn, Celinda!"

She popped him again saying, "Don't cuss in my house, James." Grabbing a handful of hair she yanked his head back. "You have two sisters, James Butler Hickok, how could you treat a woman that way?"

"Hel…she wasn't no better then a who…" Jimmy decided at the look that came into his sister's eyes that he had best watch what he was saying or he just might lose the handful of hair she held, "…well she wasn't. She lived with us all those months and never said a thing about bein...." He felt weak as a kitten as his stomach cramped up on him again.

"And because you didn't recognize she was a girl right off…like I did by the way, and Sam and Rachel…that it gave you the right to do what you did?" Emma was standing over him now too and he couldn't move because every time he shifted in his seat his gut cramped up on him. The only way to avoid the pain was to sit still…very still. "How many times did that girl save your sorry hide?"

Jimmy couldn't meet her eyes. "Look at me, Jimmy," Emma demanded. When he looked back at her she asked again, "How many?"

He thought back to the times Lou had been the one to make an extra run when Teaspoon needed one of them to, her putting herself in danger to save the Kid from Lambert, to when she rushed out of the courthouse and saved Buck by shouting at Cody. She'd been there for him riding in hell bent for leather when they were about to hang him for a crime he hadn't committed. Celinda let go of his hair and he had the good grace to look down at the table. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Celinda was disgusted with her brother. "I bet whatever you said to Lou was a lot louder than that," she snapped.

"You don't need to apologize to us. Lou's the one that you need to apologize to," Emma said as she sat back down and picked up her cup of coffee as if nothing had happened.

"I can't go back. Teaspoon said he'd...." Jimmy started but Celinda didn't let him go any further.

"And he should!" Celinda shouted not caring if she woke her son up. "Of all the low-down horrible things you have done this is by far the worst! You are just like Pa! So full of yourself! You claim you don't want to be anything like him and then you treat a woman like she's a dog to do your bidding! JUST LIKE HE USED TO TREAT MA!" Celinda took a deep breath to calm herself and listened to see if she'd awakened her son. When she didn't hear a cry she continued, "Have you forgotten what she went through? The smiles that never reached her eyes, the haunted look after Pa had used her and then pushed her away?"

He looked over at Celinda. "Is that why you poisoned me?" he asked his sister as he doubled over in pain again.

The women looked at each other and did the last thing he expected them to…they started to laugh.

"You'll be fine in…oh, a few days….more though if I'm lucky," Celinda said looking her little brother in the eye. "Unless I give you the antidote. But antidote or not you won't quite be a man for a month or so."

"So you did poison me?" Jimmy asked looking at his sister hopefully.

"No." Celinda didn't even blink as she went on, "Just a trick Aunt Aggie taught us girls when we were old enough." She let that sink in a bit before she continued, "See Aunt Aggie wasn't a spinister like Pa said, James. She was a widow. She killed her husband after a few years of taking his abuse everyday. She knew herbs and she taught us girls how to make a man regret ever even considering doing something like you did. She said it was to protect us from a man's baser nature." In the next moment Jimmy understood the fear other men felt when his sister turned the same stare and cold emotionless voice he'd used on other men on him, "You listen to me good, James Hickok, no matter where you go, you ever pull another stupid mean-spirited stunt like this on another woman and you won't have to worry about daddies, brothers, gunfighters, jealous husbands or beaus…because you'll have to watch every bite you put in your mouth because I will kill you." Jimmy knew she meant every word she said.

"If I don't get to you first," Emma said quietly as she sat her cup down. "And I don't care if Mr. Spoon did threaten to kill you, Jimmy, I expect you to apologize to Louise when you are able."

Jimmy said the only thing he knew would get him out of that house alive that night, "Yes, ma'am."

***************

A few weeks later

Jimmy rode into the yard of the way station and looked around. Nothing had changed. He heard laughter coming from the barn and Lou stepped out of it with a cup and pitcher in her hand looking a lot like Emma had that day long ago when they fixed that fence. She called back over her shoulder that lunch would be ready in a bit and then she spotted him and stopped in her tracks. He heard Buck call out something to Lou from inside the barn and when she didn't answer he appeared in the doorway, Ike was right behind him.

They took positions on either side of Lou as Jimmy threw his leg over the saddle and stepped down to the ground. He took a moment and then turned around.

The first thing Lou had noticed was that he wasn't wearing his Colts.

"If you came here looking for your old job, the Express ended a couple of weeks ago," Buck spat his face devoid of emotion.

"I came to apologize," Jimmy replied a bit louder then necessary recalling Celinda's words about the apology being as loud as the insult.

Lou looked him up and down and stepped closer Buck and Ike following like a guard. She turned her head and looked out across the prairie then back to him. Her voice was full of the still fresh hurt as she spoke, "You know when I was fourteen and Wicks raped me I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. It made me hide who I was; change everything about myself just to be safe. Just to make a living. But what you and Kid did to me was worse. Wicks took my innocence but you stole my trust, and broke my heart. I thought the two of you loved me, I wanted to trust…to be loved like anyone else does…to be wanted but you two took that from me." Lou bit her lip as she looked back at the prairie.

Nodding toward the east she said, "I thought I had run far enough from the bad things in the cities that I would be safe here. You took that from me too. I don't feel safe anywhere anymore!" Her voice rose as she let loose all the anger she'd held in check for months. "You sorry bastard! How dare you worry about me?! Mr. Wild Bill, get the hell off my property! Scum like you are never welcome here! Go back to your saloons and your whorehouses! Because let me assure you, Mr. Hickok," she stepped right up and forced him to look her in the eye for the last of what she had to say, "you made me feel so dirty that no one can touch me without me pulling away! I felt dirtier when you two were done with me then Wicks ever made me feel! I can't even hug my own brother and sister for God's sake! So you see, Mr. Hickok, no man can ever call me a whore again and not be a God damned lair!"

Jimmy watched as, with her head held high and her back straight as an arrow, she walked toward the house never looking back. Reaching the door of the house she yanked it opened and went inside slamming it behind her. They heard the distinct sound of the stoneware pitcher hitting a wall hard enough to shatter. The next sound though was the one that would haunt Jimmy the rest of his days, the wail that went up from behind that door would drive him to the bottle more and more and then finally to opium in futile attempts to silence it.

Buck wanted to punch Jimmy for coming back. "You should have stayed away," he growled as he hurried across the yard to the house.

Jimmy started to swing back into the saddle when Ike caught him from behind and swung him around landing a hard left into his still sore mid-section. Ike then turned and headed toward the house, leaving Jimmy sitting there in the dusty barn yard.

*****************

A week later

Buck lay on his bunk listening to the sounds of the old station just as he had since Jimmy had shown up then left. The station was no longer a Pony Express station it was now a way station for the stage line. Lou was a hit with the passengers making the way station one of the favorites along the route for even the drivers. The men thought she was pretty and kind and the women complimented her on her cooking and gentle ways with the children that passed through. The drivers knew they'd get a good meal and that the horses were all well cared for.

But still there seemed to be something missing in her eyes. He wanted so badly to see the spark that once was Lou return but she seemed just as far away as ever. No one could touch her without her becoming as stiff as a board. And no one, not even Ike knew how badly he wanted to touch her.

He closed his eyes hoping that sleep would claim him soon.

*****************

Ike listened to Buck tossing and turning across the room from him…again. He felt the same way. He was willing to do just about anything to make Lou smile again, and not the fake one that didn't reach her eyes. Every day since Jimmy had shown up to apologize and she'd given him hell she withdrew from them a bit more.

He and Buck had decided the war back East wasn't for them and besides Lou needed their help with the way station. Teaspoon had decided that the town needed a marshal more then Texas needed another man to fight for it. He and Buck had sent Noah and Cody off to fight for the north the month before with an evening like they all used to spend together in the bunkhouse. Only it had been just the four of them. He wanted to smile as he thought of the last thing Buck had told them before they had left, "Be sure you get the right Johnny Reb. And put an extra one in him for me." They had heard weeks before that Kid had joined up with the Southern forces in Virginia leaving his wife behind in his father's care.

Cody had nodded and patted the rifle next to his leg, "Betsy won't miss him."

Noah hadn't said anything. Buck had told him what Kid had said to Lou about the two of them. Then just before they rode out, he'd finally acknowledge what Buck had said. "He best hope Betsy gets him before I get close enough to get hold of him," Noah said as his hand went to the silver handle of his whip.

He and Buck had nodded as their friends rode out of the station. Before they were too far off Buck had called, "Ride safe."

Ike knew Buck's feelings for Lou had changed to something more shortly after that or maybe he had just noticed that his friend was falling in love with Louise. He could see the looks that passed between them and had even caught Lou the day before starting to reach for Buck when his back was turned. But she'd froze and tears had filled her eyes as she'd rushed back up to the house.

Ike felt for his friend but didn't know how to help the situation along. He turned his back to the room as he thought about the events of the last year. He hated what had happened to Lou as much as anyone else. Though he was willing to admit that he was glad that Jimmy and Kid were out of the picture and Lou might give his friend a chance, if she ever recovered from what had happened to her.

******************

Lou sat at her window looking down at the bunkhouse. The lights were out and she figured Ike and Buck were probably asleep. The last months had been the best and worse of her life. The worse because of what "they" had done to her. She couldn't bear to even think their names anymore and always thought of them together. Then Emma giving her the station that had been part of the best. Her own place, a place for Jeremiah and Teresa to call home.

Silent tears coursed down her cheeks as she thought of them. She and Rachel had arrived in St. Jo to find the town under quarantine from measles. The orphanage had been the hardest hit because no one in town would go out to it to help the children for fear of bringing the disease back to town. She'd become so angry with some of the good people she'd told them exactly what she thought of them. Rachel had told her later how she knew then that Lou would be ok. But that had been just before they got to the orphanage and found out that the two children had died.

Lou reached up and brushed the tears on her cheeks away. At least they were safe now she thought as she looked toward the hillside and the two small crosses that marked where their graves should have been. She'd had to leave them and Annabelle Mumblepuss buried next to the small church by the orphanage. She'd been getting past that tragedy went she'd come out of the barn to find him standing there.

Lou sighed as she looked down at the barn yard where she'd seen him. He'd been pale she recalled and not wearing his trademark Colts. She'd figured he knew better than to come armed onto her property. All she'd had to say was she'd thought he was there to rob her and she could have shot him if he'd had them on. He'd said he was there to apologize and had actually looked like he meant it. But of course he couldn't have.

She hadn't realized that Buck and Ike were just behind her until Buck had spoken. How strong he had sounded. She tried several times the last few days to thank him but her fear always caused her to stop before the words came out or she touched him. It was the one thing she truly hated about her self now-no one could touch her. She thought of how she'd screamed at "him" about not being able to hug Jeremiah and Teresa, she hadn't bothered to mention that they couldn't hug her either.

Lou stood up and walked back over to the bed. Pulling the covers back she slipped in and laid her head on the pillow. Maybe tonight the dreams wouldn't come. Of course she knew better; they came every night as if to remind her not to trust anyone. But she still hoped they wouldn't. Tomorrow they had to go to town for supplies from Tompkins. She needed her rest if she was to face that. She'd never run into "his wife" in town but she was always so nervous that she would that she worried herself to exhaustion each time they went to town.

*******************

The next morning Teaspoon headed over to Tompkins' with the latest casualty reports from both North and South. Seemed everyone in town had a family member on both sides, it truly was a war of brother against brother. He prayed for Noah and Cody everyday. He said a silent prayer to God for answering his prayers this time since neither boy had appeared on the lists. A small crowd gathered around the board outside of Tompkins store as he posted the list. Then as had been agreed at a Sunday service months before the preacher stepped up and began to read the names of the Yankees that had been killed or wounded.

As he finished some of the crowd having family only on that side or having already lost someone on the other side drifted away. Teaspoon looked around at the crowd gathered to hear the killed and wounded on the Southern side. After a moment he spotted the family he was looking for. Victor Martin stood off to the side with his arm around his daughter-in-law. She was dressed in the latest fashion but there was something not quite right there. He couldn't put his finger on it but something just didn't fit.

As the preacher finished reading the K's and began on the L's Teaspoon spotted the three riders coming down the street leading a fourth horse. As they came closer he recognized Lou, Buck and Ike and walked toward them. He was glad Louise had finally started coming to town. He knew it had taken all her courage to do so and today she'd have to find a bit more since it was the first time she'd come into town when there was such a large crowd.

"What's all the commotion about, Teaspoon?" she asked as her horse stopped and she slid out of the saddle.

Teaspoon thought how much she looked like the old Lou except for the split skirt and the longer hair. She was right to have hidden the real Lou from folks as she did while she'd been riding for the Express. Many a brave or bandit would have chased the small rider until he caught her to make her his own. Puny but spry he'd called her that first day, and she was, but his girl was more than that too. Coming out of his musings he answered her as Ike and Buck got off of their horses, "The lists of killed and wounded came in on the stage a bit ago. Folks always come in to see if a loved one…" He broke off as a scream came from the crowd behind him.

"Who's that?" Buck asked as he watched an unfamiliar man hold the hand of a woman that had fainted.

"Um…" Teaspoon looked at Lou trying to gauge how to tell them who the two people were. "Well…that's…um…"

"Her." Lou saw the man look at her with the same eyes she used to love; only they were older. "His father and his wife."

The lack of emotion in Lou's voice frightened her friends but she pulled her gaze away from the pair as the doctor moved to help the woman. Without another thought for the woman, Lou withdrew the list of supplies they needed from her saddle bags. She opened it and started forward edging around the crowd as they listened to the last of the names being read. Spotting an older woman that had just moved to town, Lou walked over to her. "Mrs. Younger are your sons still alright?" she asked genuinely concerned.

The older woman smiled. Miss McCloud never asked which side her sons were fighting on just if they were alright. "Oh, praise the Lord, yes," the older woman replied. "And my Jim is home with me still…hasn't run off to join his brothers or cousins yet. I'm hoping I can keep him here until this war is over."

"I'm sure he won't desert you with his brothers gone," Lou said as she gently squeezed the older woman's hand.

"I do fear each time they post the list though that one of the boys will be on them," Mrs. Younger added then nodding toward where "his" wife had fainted she added, "Poor Mr. Martin and now saddled with that piece of fluff since his son's been killed." She paused for a moment for effect then whispered to Lou, "I tell you she's not really good for much 'cept servin' tea and bossin' folks around. Guess I best offer my condolences though. Good day, Miss McCloud. Tell your Aunt hello for me."

"Yes, ma'am," Lou replied. She stood with her back to the crowd as she ran back through what Mrs. Younger had said. "…a piece of fluff…", "...not good for much...", the old woman would never know how it had helped Lou to hear those words describe "his" wife.

Buck nudged Ike as he watched Lou walk up the steps to the front of the store, an extra bounce to her step, and smiled.

Ike smiled back at him. *We've got to ask Mrs. Younger just what she said to Lou. She's not been even that happy in a long time.*

Buck nodded as they started up the steps themselves. They stopped at the door of the store as the doctor and the man were helping the woman into the store. Tompkins brought a chair from the back of the store for the woman and the other two men eased her into it.

Buck saw Lou's back stiffen as she spotted them from the corner of her eye, but she kept getting the items she needed on her list and setting them on the counter. With all but the items they needed in large bags sitting on the counter he watched Lou turn and start to examine the dress goods on a nearby table. He and Ike took up positions next to the goods on the counter and quietly observed what was going on, ready to step in if Lou needed them.

*******************

From the corner of his eye Tompkins saw Buck and Ike standing at the counter. He'd been so concerned with helping Mr. Martin's daughter-in-law Doritha that he'd not seen them come in. Seeing the items sitting on the counter between the two of them he turned to complete their purchases before Doritha saw them and became more upset then she already was. He looked around the store as he did to make sure no one was trying to take anything. He froze when he saw Lou standing by the display of dress goods.

Bill Tompkins was a hard man, he was the first to admit that, but he was fair-at least by his standards. He'd been kind to Buck since the boy had proved he was more white than Indian. He'd heard about what had happened at the Express station-hell the whole town had when Martin's son had rode in a week after his wife and father arrived and proceeded to get stinking drunk. If Martin hadn't rode in that night when he did, Tompkins was sure that Teaspoon would have locked the boy up for the night and none too gently either. Tompkins knew he had a decision to make, one that would affect his business.

He recalled the time Lou had hit him in the face with a skillet. He smiled as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. She had guts, like his Jenny did. Lou had held her head high each time she'd come to town to shop for supplies. She'd never let on about how the whispers hurt her nor had she tried to retaliate against the women that had snubbed her. No, she'd held out and in doing so had won the respect of the town. If he turned out the Martins-whose bill had started to grow recently-he'd lose the large purchases the daughter-in-law made on a regular basis but if he turned Lou…Miss McCloud away he'd lose a lot more than just her business. Not to mention the good opinion of Miss Rachel Dunne who was now the teacher at the school and who had agreed to have dinner with him.

Walking over to Lou, he said, "That'd make a right fine dress for that social the church is having next week."

He watched Lou access the fabric for a moment. "I believe it would but as you know Mr. Tompkins, I don't attend those functions," Lou replied in a very proper voice and manner. "What I would like is any remnants that you might have. I believe I'd like to make a quilt."

"I've got a basket over here that's for just that. Let me know if you want me to cut any of it down for you," Tompkins replied. He hoped Lou wanting to make a quilt meant she was feeling better. Rachel worried over her so and had even called off dinner with him a couple times to sit with her friend. Pointing to the counter between Buck and Ike he asked, "Is that all you need or is there something more?"

Lou reached in the pocket of her split skirt and pulled out the paper with her list on it. "There are just a few things. Some flour, white sugar, brown sugar, coffee, tea, and some feed."

"How about that meal and beans you wanted last week? I got some more in just yesterday. The man said it was a much better quality then that last order he brought me," Tompkins replied forgetting the other people in the store. Lou had always been ready with a list and would fill her order herself until the items got too big for her to handle by herself. And she always paid in cash. If she was short she'd leave what she had with him and then send in Buck or Ike with the rest and if not them she'd send it in by the stage driver.

Lou thought for a moment she did need the meal and beans but she'd not brought enough for that and the fabric. Looking down at the fabric she'd chosen she ran her work roughened hand over the soft surface of it. Picking it up she placed it back in the basket. "Yes, I do. Add five pounds of meal and three of the beans to the order."

"And the fab-"

Bill, thank you for your assistance," Victor Martin said as he walked over to them. "Doritha is very distressed seeing how Douglas' name was on the list."

Tompkins nodded. "I was sorry to hear that, Victor. My sympathies to your daughter-in-law," Tompkins replied. Tompkins was becoming nervous as Victor studied Lou. By the way the man was looking the young woman up and down you wouldn't have known he'd just lost his son and it was bordering on indecent. "Excuse me, Victor, but I've got an order to add up. I'll stop by later to offer my condolences seeing how the doctor is taking Miss Doritha home," Tompkins said hoping to distract the man.

Victor paused in his perusal of Lou to see if what Tompkins was saying was true. "Of course, Bill," he said. "Doritha," he called to the young woman being helped by the doctor, "have a seat and we'll be leaving in a moment. It isn't proper for a recent widow to be escorted around town by anyone but a relative." He turned back to Tompkins before the man could get a way. Placing a hand on Tompkins' arm Victor said, "Bill, I don't believe you introduced me to your friend here."

Bill Tompkins did his best not to groan. There was no way in hell this could end up with anything but trouble. Especially since Buck and Ike had heard the man and were headed in their direction.

Lou stood stock still. She was scared as a rabbit being chased by a fox. 'What do I do? What would I have done before? Buck! Ike!' The thoughts raced through her mind like lightning. But a moment later Emma's calm and reassuring voice sounded in her head. 'You hold your head high and pretend they ain't even there.'

"Um…" Tompkins turned away from Lou whispering to Martin, "I don't think that is a good idea, Victor."

"Why is she married?" Victor whispered back.

Lou rolled her eyes heavenward; it wasn't like she couldn't hear them clear as day.

"No but you see…" Tompkins was a bit taken aback by what happened next, and had a hard time keeping the smile from his face.

Suddenly in a flash Lou's temper returned, surprising not only herself but everyone else, too. "No, Mr. Martin, I'm not. Nor will I ever be thanks to your…your…your low-down mealy-mouth coyote of a son." It was said so sweetly and without an ounce of fear or anger that everyone in the store was stunned…except for one.

"My God," Doritha said as she covered her mouth with her hand dramatically. "How can you dare show your face in this town after what you did?" the belle asked her voice dripping with menace as she walked over to them.

Lou didn't miss a beat. "Of course, you must be the wife." Lou slowly walked around Doritha. "Yep, a real lady just as he said." Lou didn't know what had taken possession of her but she couldn't stop the words from coming from her mouth, "Hum, must be a trial to be a lady all the time. Always under a man's thumb...."

"Now see here...." Victor Martin stopped when he spotted Teaspoon and Rachel in the doorway of the store. Ike had run to get him when Martin had asked for the introduction to Lou and she had insulted him.

"See what?" Lou said looking around. When her gaze finally landed on Martin again she asked, "That you raised a son that never learned to be a man? That he preferred a woman who could do little more then order servants around to one that knew how to work hard?" By the time she finished Lou was seething mad and the store was deadly silent as she continued as she looked at Doritha, "The fact he asked me to marry him when he was still married to you makes me wonder just how many women did he have besides you and me? Half the whorehouse I imagine."

Martin made the mistake of grabbing Lou's arm and immediately found a knife at his throat when he did. "Let her go," Buck said from behind him, his voice held a deadly calm. "Now."

Knowing from the tone….or lack thereof…in Buck's voice he meant what he said, Martin let go of Lou and as soon as he did Buck took the knife from his neck. The man started for the door of the store with his daughter-in-law. "Tompkins, if you know what is good for you. You won't do…"

"They pay cash, not on credit," Tompkins replied stepping up beside Lou and Buck.

"You aren't the only store in town," Martin warned. "When the Cattlemen's Association hears of this you won't be in business much longer."

"No, but I'm the only one that extends credit."

Buck put his arm around Lou's shoulders. He was surprised when she didn't flinch or pull away, but she was shaking. "Get me out of here, please," Lou said her voice hoarse. He nodded and they started toward the door.

"I'll send the order out with Ike," Tompkins told him.

Buck nodded his thanks as he led Lou to the door. When they were outside Lou paused on the walk. "Did I just say what I think I did?"

"Yes." Buck replied smiling. Lou's words had surprised and shaken him. Then the sweetest sound he ever heard reached his ears. Lou was laughing.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe I actually said that," her face was red but she was laughing as she sat down on the edge of the boardwalk and Buck squatted beside her. "The look on her face was priceless." She sobered for a moment when she recalled that the same woman she'd just insulted was lying on the ground a short time before because she had learned her husband was dead. "He's gone."

"Yes." Buck heard something akin to relief in her voice.

"He won't ever come back." The relief was even more distinct now. She looked at him then. "Did you see the way his father looked at me?" She shivered and Buck reached out and picked up her hand. "It was scary, but not something that really frightened me." She raised her face to the sun, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Looking back at Buck she asked, "Think you and Ike could get the supplies back by yourselves?"

Buck gave her a look that said, you really didn't just ask that did you. "Of course."

Lou laughed as she stood up. "I feel the need to run." When Buck's face clouded over she said, "Not away silly. Just ride flat out across the prairie like we used to." Her smile finally reached her eyes he noticed as she leaned down and kissed his cheek quickly. "See you back at the station." She grabbed a handful of Lightning's mane and pulled herself up onto the horse's back. She didn't even wait until she was at the edge of town before she urged Lightning to run. She dodged the incoming stage and jumped a wagon on her way out of town.

Buck felt someone behind him and looked up at Teaspoon. "I think the old Lou's back."

"'Bout damn time," Teaspoon said smiling as two ladies started pass. "'Cuse me ladies forgot I was in town for a moment," Teaspoon said to them with a mischievous glint in his eye.

***************

Lou rode Lightning hard and fast across the prairie feeling free of the weight she'd carried on her shoulders for almost a year. Jimmy had come and gone, and she'd told him just what she'd thought of him. And now "he" was dead and she'd told his wife and father what she thought of "him".

Her hair now long enough to plait in one thick braid down her back came lose as the wind pulled it free and pins dropped to the ground as she rode. She leaned low over the neck of her favorite horse and relished the feeling of being free.

Suddenly a wave of sadness swept over her and she slowed Lightning to a walk as she approached the pond. Sliding out of the saddle she walked over and sat on a large rock next to the water pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around them. She laid her head on her knees and let the tears fall. She couldn't understand why she felt so sad at the news of his death. Her mind screamed for celebration that the man that had used her so badly and thrown her away was dead, but her heart disagreed. She had loved him; he had been her first love. And now he was gone. There had been a chance with him alive that he would come back some day having seen the error of his ways, but now there wasn't that chance. That chance to take him back or spurn him the way he had her were now gone taken by the bullet of another man's gun.

As the sun began to set, she climbed back on Lightning and turned him toward the station…her station…her home. She had a home and folks in town said she was a success. Even Mr. Tompkins had taken her side. She had lost a lot in the last year but had gained just as much. Jeremiah and Teresa were in a better place, where they would never know the hardships she had endured. They would never lose their innocence. She had Emma and Sam, Teaspoon, and Rachel, and Cody, Ike, Noah, and Buck…especially Buck who had been beside her from the very first moment of her downfall and had not spoken a word against her once.

He'd been the one to carry her up to the house when she lay curled in a ball in the doorway of the barn. He'd been the one to go for Emma when Teaspoon said that she needed a mother and Emma was the closest any of them had to one. He'd been the one to stop Kid when he'd threatened to show her what he really thought of her. The others had been there for her too, had stood by her when her world fell down around her shoulders but with Buck there was something else, something more then just the love for a family member.

Then she had the only thought of the day that scared her. "I love him," she said out loud to the wind then denied the fact silently, because that scared her to death. Buck had never once given her a reason to doubt him but she couldn't allow herself to feel that much for another person again. To give herself to him and not wait for the recriminations to come she would wonder everyday if he was going to turn on her.

*************

Buck stood and stepped back up on the boardwalk from the the street. His smile lit his entire face. "She wanted to ride like she used to."

"It'll be good for he…" Teaspoon was interrupted as Tompkins walked up to them.

Holding out a small box to Buck he said, "This came for you yesterday."

"I didn't order anything," Buck replied looking down at the box.

"No, it came in the mail. Postmark says it's from somewhere in Kentucky." Pointing at one of the many stamps on the box he added, "This one here is military. Seen several of them come through like that since the war started."

Buck took the box and opened it. Inside were two shell casings from a rifle. A note fluttered to the ground and Teaspoon bent to pick it up. Opening it he read out loud, "Betsy says you're welcome. The first one did the job, the second was for you." Teaspoon looked back up at Buck. "You understand this, son?"

Fearing that Teaspoon wouldn't understand Buck said, "Just one of Cody's jokes." When the two older men stared at him, Buck took the note from Teaspoon and quickly added, "I best help Ike get the extra horse packed and Lou's order back to the station before she returns." Pushing between them he hurried inside the store leaving them staring after him. Walking up to Ike he handed him the note and box.

There was no celebration over the fact that one of the four of them had taken the ultimate revenge for Lou. But there were also no tears for the man that had once been their friend.

***************

A couple of weeks later, Lou raced across the prairie on one of the horses she had helped Buck and Ike gentle over the summer, fall was coming and she knew that soon it'd be too cold to ride. Lou felt as if her life was finally returning to normal…well, as normal as she ever expected it to be. Just last week, Rachel had touched her hand as she tended it after Lou burned it on the stove while fixing a dinner one Saturday for all that was left in Sweetwater of the Express family, and she'd not even flinched. Rachel had been kind enough not to mention it but even Lou had noticed and was pleased.

A few days later she had gone to town for something and when Teaspoon told her he was going to marry Rachel she'd hugged them both in the excitement of the moment. The surprise on Teaspoon's face and the tears in his eyes caused her to blush. He'd hugged her again saying that was the best wedding present of any the older couple would get. She had cried tears of happiness on his shoulder then.

But that still didn't solve her problem. Since that day in town she'd found herself drawn to Buck but couldn't seem to get past the fear that made her keep her distance from him. Lou figured since nothing had been said to her about it she'd managed to keep her feelings hidden…but she hadn't, there was one person who had figured out her secret.

Inside the bunkhouse Ike sat at the table listening to Buck talk about how much better Lou was doing the last couple of weeks. He could tell his best friend was in love with Lou but didn't know how to get past the barrier the young woman put up to protect herself from being hurt again. And from the way Lou was acting Ike could tell it was wearing on her just as much as it was on Buck.

Hearing someone ride into the station Ike stood and walked over to the window. Buck was concentrating so hard on what he was saying he didn't hear anything. Smiling Ike tapped Buck on his shoulder to get his attention. *Lou just rode in I'm going to go take care of Sugar Lump for her.*

Buck just nodded. Usually after one of Lou's early morning rides, he took care of her horse for her and then they had coffee together. But today he really couldn't stand the thought of being so close to her yet again and unable to hold her. "Thanks," he said his voice gruffer then he meant it to be.

Ike nodded as he picked up his hat and headed out the door. He headed toward the barn where Lou was leading Sugar Lump in. *Morning,* he signed when she looked at him and the smile she'd been wearing disappeared.

Catching herself, Lou's smile returned as she said, "Mornin'." Ike couldn't help but notice when Lou looked behind him and he smiled. "Buck feeling alright this morning?"

*He's fine.* Ike reached for the reins Lou was holding and led the horse into the barn. Lou had followed him and fed Sugar Lump while he brushed the horse down. When they were finished they started for the door of the barn when Ike took hold of Lou's arm. *Are you mad at me?*

Lou shook her head, "No. Why?"

*You haven't spoken since we started putting Sugar Lump up. And you aren't smiling like you were when you rode in.* Ike observed.

Lou frowned as she said, "I'm sorry Ike, just got a bit on my mind today."

Ike pointed at the bunkhouse as he smiled.

"Y…ye…yes," Lou stammered a bit flustered. "Does it show that much?" She was terrified, had been since realizing earlier that she cared for Buck more then she wanted to admit. Heck if it had been last year she'd have said she was in love with him.

*Only to me. And Teaspoon and Rachel,* Ike teased.

"Oh, heavens," Lou said as she sat down on a hay bale just inside the door. She covered her face with her hands. "I'm so scared Ike. I trusted Kid so much…and Jimmy, too…and look what happened. I'm scared to love someone like that. I couldn't survive it if he laughed at me."

*He won't laugh at you, not Buck.*

Lou shook her head as she stood and started to pace, "Would you have thought Kid would do what he did? What if it's something about me that makes men do bad…."

As she started to go on and on talking, Ike looked up and saw Buck standing in the doorway. Lou didn't see him or maybe she just didn't notice that Buck was there as she told Ike how she felt. "You know I want so bad for him to kiss me, but I'm scared…so damn scared…I hate this feeling."

"What feeling is that?" Buck asked from behind her.

Lou was so wrapped up in finally giving voice to how she felt and talking it out with someone that she didn't realize the question was spoken or that it had come from Buck. "Like I'm all twisted up on the inside and about to spring apart." She sat down next to Ike on the hay bale as she continued, "You know that feeling…No, I used to get this feeling right before a ride, all the excitement of it the danger and the unknown that I used to push the horse to run flat out just as fast as we could. But with this, I can't seem to go fast enough. One minute," she stood up and started pacing again and Ike was sure that she'd realize Buck was standing closer but Lou just kept talking and pacing, "I'm so happy and pleased with how things are and the next it scares me that it won't always be like this. The three of us working together, Teaspoon, and Rachel in town, all of us carin' about each other. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one day and it'll have all been a dream. That….well, that…I'll be alone," she said as she stopped pacing.

"Not while I'm alive," Buck said from just behind Lou.

Ike could see the change come over Lou instantly. Pure terror shone brightly in her eyes and they filled with tears.

"Even if it's just as friends for the rest of our lives, I'm going to be here for you," Buck said to the back of her head. "I can't leave you, not ever." Lou turned and just stood there staring at him. Buck really didn't know what else to say to her.

Lou's mind whirled in so many directions at once she thought she'd faint. He'd heard everything she'd said. He cared about her too. It wasn't a trick with Buck but something that was real she could see it in his eyes, his face, hear it in his voice. "I'm scared," she squeaked and blushed at the funny sound she made when she heard her own voice.

"So am I." Buck wanted so bad to reach out and take Lou in his arms but he was afraid if he made the first move she'd run like a frightened doe. He noticed Ike ease out of the barn with a grin on his face. Buck realized his friend had known he'd come out to the barn just to check on Lou. As close as he and Ike were, Ike understood Buck's constant but silent need to make sure Lou was always safe. "I'm more scared though of you getting hurt." He saw the spark in her eyes when he said that and smiled, "No, not like that. In that way you can take care of yourself, you've proved that. I mean I'm scared I'll hurt you unintentionally."

"You'd never do anything like what they did," she said and Buck realized it was a statement she had to hear out loud and not a question. "You've been here the whole time but you've never said anything about what happened. Why?"

He couldn't help it he reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders. Lou didn't flinch like he expected, nor did she try to pull away. "Because why say anything when you were beating yourself up…way too much by the way… over what happened. Lou, none of what happened was your fault. You loved him…them... that is a great gift, and it was…it was the act of a very…a very disturbed person to do what they did. It takes planning, purposeful planning to hurt someone like he…like they both hurt you." When she just stared at him he took his hands from her shoulder and started to turn away from her. But changed his mind, they were going to settle this now and if all she could ever offer him was friendship he would accept it. His heart though hoped for more.

Lou stood staring at Buck as he began to pace as she had done. A hint of a real smiled played on her lips and she listened to what he said.

"Lou, I wanted to shoot Kid that day when he rode out, but Teaspoon stopped me. He said there would be another time. When Jimmy returned and you ran to the house after you lit into him, I wanted to kill him but I was scared for you. I knew you were just on the other side of the door with your back against it and I sat there all night wanting to push it open and take you in my arms," he held his arms out to emphasize what he'd said. "But I knew you'd run from me if I tried. I never in my life heard a wail like you made that day. God," he ran his hand through his hair again.

"Buck...." Lou said smiling at him and starting toward him.

But Buck was in the same state Lou had been earlier and he kept going. "I've got to tell you too that when Cody left I told him to kill Kid. I'm sorry, Lou, I know I shouldn't have."

Lou shook her head not wanting to believe him. "What did you say?"

"The day Noah and Cody left to fight in the war, I told him to make sure he shot the right Johnny Reb," Buck said looking down. "I got a box from him the day we went shopping in town. The day we learned Kid had been killed. It was from Cody...." He looked up to see if she was still listening to him but Lou had her back to him.

"You did that for me?" Lou asked her voice thick.

"Kind of," Buck admitted. "I did it for the rest of us too. He fooled us all, Lou, not just you. I thought of him and Jimmy as brothers. So did the rest. It about killed Teaspoon at first, not over Kid as much but Jimmy was most like him and it really hurt him to have Jimmy do what he did." Buck was beginning to doubt Lou was still listening to him but he went on, he had to say everything he had kept bottled up inside. "I told Teaspoon that Jimmy came back that time and that he apologized. I know you didn't believe him but…," he almost couldn't go on when she turned to face him and he saw the tears in her eyes, "but Teaspoon needed to see that someone or something had made Jimmy see how wrong he'd been."

Lou nodded as she brushed the stupid tears from her cheeks. They were stupid because you weren't supposed to cry like this when you were happier then you had been in months. "How much did you see of what happened…" her voice cracked she tried to speak, "…did you see the day…that day?" She didn't have to be specific but he knew what she meant.

"Enough. Not what happened between you and Jimmy. I came in as you were dressing and he said he had to go." Buck looked down at his feet, "I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I…I had a feeling that something wasn't right." He looked back up at her, and reached a hand out to wipe a tear from her cheek. "Lou…I know folks won't approve of…that they'll...."

"That they'll be as stupid as they usually are when it comes to you," Lou said it for him. "I've lived my life worrying about what others thought and how they would look down on me for all the mistakes I made…the things I've done...." Lou swallowed the lump she felt in her throat. She knew if she didn't take the chance she'd regret it the rest of her life. "I'm done with that." She stepped closer to him and reaching out, placed the palm of her hand on his chest. She could feel his heart beating under her hand and stepped even closer. "Buck, of all things I thought would happen in my life I never expected to feel like I do at this very moment ever again. I'm scared beyond all reason to even think you could understand…return...." She felt the fear that he would reject her so strongly that she began to shake. Closing her eyes she finally got the words out, "Buck, I love you."

Buck smiled, but he knew she couldn't see it because even though she was facing him her eyes were closed tight. He had felt the fear when she started but when those three words left her lips, his fear faded until it was nothing. He leaned down and just before taking her lips he said, "Look at me Lou." When she opened her eyes he felt her catch her breath. "I love you, too," he said just before he took her lips in a kiss he'd waited months to give her.

At first Lou couldn't believe what was happening. She had said she loved him and he was kissing her. Kissing her so thoroughly that she felt like she couldn't breathe. He started to pull back and she pulled him closer returning his kiss with equal feeling.

Somehow Buck had known that kissing Lou would be like this. Like an explosion inside of him, all the emotions he'd held in came out in that one kiss. Lou's arms were around his neck and she was pressed up against him. He'd heard of women going weak in the knees because of a kiss but he didn't know it could happen to a man. When he started to back away…to break the kiss that was becoming more heated by the second she pulled him closer. He didn't want to let go but he knew if he didn't they'd be in the clean hay of a stall and he didn't want that for her, she deserved better. Taking hold of her arms he pulled them from his neck and managed to finally break the kiss. Breathing heavily and noticing she was doing the same he said, "Not here, Lou."

Lou blushed knowing what he meant. She had thought those feelings had been killed in her. To love him to love all of her family and not shy away at their touch was one thing, but to feel that melting inside of her…that pull to become part of him, she thought those feelings gone never to return.

He took her hand he walked toward the door of the barn and nodded toward the house. Lou knew instinctively what he meant and walked out of the barn and toward the house leading the way her hand still locked in his. She didn't pull away and if she thought he was slower then he should be as they crossed the yard she gave his hand a gentle tug.

When they were standing on the porch of the house before the door he looked down at her. There were no words as she opened the door and walked inside. She noticed he didn't follow not even when she tugged at his hand again. She turned around to look at him and then she walked back to him. Reaching up she pulled his head back down to kiss him. As he returned her kiss she walked backwards into the house and he followed.

He was startled for a moment when the door shut with a thud behind him causing him to break the kiss abruptly. Lou giggled and he saw a mischievous look come into her eyes as he moved closer. She'd done that on purpose because she knew he'd not have come into the house without knowing for sure it was what she wanted. She turned away from him and walked….no, sashayed toward the stairs. Reaching the first step she lifted her skirt just a bit more then was respectable and smiled in his direction. Buck felt the heat of desire burn brighter in him as he moved toward her.

Lou was pleasantly surprised by what she'd just done. It was a playful move, one lovers would make and she realized instantly that was something she wanted. She wanted Buck, wanted him as a lover but so much more also. She felt her own desire rising and heat radiating from her face. There was no fire, and the day wasn't overly warm but suddenly the heat in the house had risen measurably. She couldn't move for a moment but when he was next to her, she found herself reaching out and running her hand through his hair. It was fine and so smooth, something about that simple gesture seemed to bring him tremendous pleasure if the darkening of his eyes was any indication of how he felt.

Buck had never had anyone including his mother touch him so gently with such emotion and he knew whatever happened he'd never love anyone like this again. He closed his eyes for a moment to savor that feeling. When he opened his eyes she was half way up the stairs staring down at him, a teasing smile on her lips. A moment later found him standing on the step just below her and pulling her close to kiss her again. Lou wrapped her arms around his neck as they kissed. She tasted so good to him he couldn't get enough of her kisses.

For a moment Lou felt like she was floating. She knew she wasn't standing anymore and felt his arm under her knees and the other around her shoulders. He carried her as if she weighed nothing. She broke the kiss when she knew instinctively they were at the top of the stairs. Buck looked down at the woman in his arms. She was coming back to life in his arms as she accepted his kisses…his love. He knew which room was hers. It had been Emma's and had been the only room with a window that looked down at the bunkhouse.

Lou wondered when he paused at the top of the stairs if he had changed his mind. But as they moved toward the door of her room she laid her head against his shoulder and he felt her sigh. Something told him it wasn't one of resignation or begrudged acceptance but one of contentment, one that said she felt the things he wanted for her…love, cherished, security. She noticed he paused once more when he reached the door of her room. He put her down slowly savoring the feel as she slid down his body.

It dawned on her then why he kept stopping each time-on the porch, at the bottom of the stairs, at the top of the stairs and now at the door to her room-he was giving her a chance to tell him to stop. Lou knew if she opened the door of the room there would be no turning back. She looked up at him and her heart stopped for a moment when she saw the depth of the feeling in them. She chided herself the next moment when the thought went through her mind that she hadn't ever seen that look in a man's eyes before, not even in Kid's. It hadn't been there in Jimmy's when he held her either. That look…that feeling said so much and the tears began again.

"I'm sorry, Lou," Buck said looking at a place just above her head so she wouldn't see the pain in his eyes. He'd known this could happen that her fear would return if they went too far too fast and he put her down. He held on to her for a moment. "I knew this could happen. If you are ever ready to love me, I'll be here because I meant what I said."

As he started to turn he felt her pulling him back and he turned to look down at her. For a moment her lips moved but no words came from her mouth as the tears fell. She started to close her eyes but shook her head. "Don't go. It's not what you think." When he didn't move toward her she told him all of it. How she'd not seen that look in another's eyes that he had moved something inside her with his actions and his words…with his love most of all. Reaching behind her she turned the knob on the door of her room and pushed it open. When he still didn't move she moved to him. There was nothing shy, reserved or afraid in her voice as she said, "Show me how it feels to be really loved, Buck. Let me show you that feeling, too." He had her in his arms before the last word left her mouth.

A moment later they were standing next to the bed. Lou felt his hands run down her back and across her bottom as he held her close. He kissed the side of her face and moved around to take her lips with his. Reaching up she ran her hands through his hair and down his neck to this shoulders. Her touch was like a feather but the sensation made the fire inside him burn brighter. Lou moaned into his mouth as his hands moved from her back to her sides and his thumbs barely brushed the sides of her breasts.

***************

Ike had seen his friends go into the house and watched from the porch of the bunkhouse until he knew they were finally upstairs. He knew no one could see him so he silently wished his friends all the love they deserved and mounted his horse. He was heading to town to see that pretty new girl that had just been hired. She seemed nice enough and had the prettiest smile when she'd looked at him the other day.

**************

Moonlight came through the window of the room alighting on the couple there. It was so bright, but soft too, that no lamp was needed for them to see each other. Lou reached under Bucks vest to run her hand across the soft fabric of his shirt and could feel the hard muscles that lay underneath. She knew he wasn't wearing a long john shirt since the weather was still warm. She pushed his vest off and wrapped her arms around his waist looking up at him. His face relaxed more than she'd ever seen it. "I really do love you," she whispered so soft that he almost didn't hear.

Lou knew he'd heard her because his arms held her tighter. "You are the person I'd never thought I'd find. Someone that accepts both parts of me without question," he said just as low. As he ran his hands over her hips then up her back to her shoulders. They kissed again but this time Lou broke the kiss and stepped away from him. She surprised him when she sat down and then lay back on the bed still fully dressed but her eyes beckoned him. Slowly…slower then Lou would have liked…he stretched out on the bed next to her. He leisurely ran his hand up her leg then across her abdomen until he reached her chest and even though she was still dressed Lou felt the sensation stir even more, the part of her she thought no longer existed. He felt her release her breath when he stopped his hand just below her breast.

Lou felt her desire go from simmering to boiling as he looked at her. Reaching out she ran her and down the side of his face to his neck, then even more slowly to his chest where she undid a couple of buttons on his shirt before she pushed him onto his back and kissed his chest where his shirt parted. Then she made quick work of the rest of the buttons, pushing aside the fabric so her hands and lips could roam over his chest. Buck's eyes rolled back in his head at the feel of her lips on his skin. He wanted her so much that he was afraid to move fearing it would scare her off. Lou moved until she was face to face with him and kissed him sensuously.

As they kissed, he rolled her over onto her back and smiled down at her. Gradually he began to unbutton her dress, taking the time to kiss the skin beneath each button as it came undone. Reaching the top of her stays the sound he made caused her to giggle. Buck quickly made work of the rest of the buttons and pulled her to her feet so it could slide to the floor. He knew he had two more layers of clothing to get through before their skin made contact.

From there things moved quickly for the next thing Lou knew her dress, petticoats, and stays were at her feet. She noticed Buck stood there in just his drawers and she in her chemise. He pulled her close kissing her deeply. Picking her up in his arms as he sat down on the edge of the bed, he looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. "You are so pretty," he said as he ran his hand through her hair. "So strong," he said kissing her neck.

"You don't have to flatter me, Buck," she teased him. "I already love you. But you," she giggled as she touched his cheek, "hum; I can see why some ladies chose to stay with their warriors." She leaned toward him and touched her forehead to his.

"You do?" he said with a smile.

"If they are so considerate of the woman they love…yes. If they kiss her like you have been kissing me…oh, yes," she sighed as he kissed her neck on the opposite side from the last kiss.

He smiled using her own words, "You don't have to flatter me, Louise. I already love you."

Her laugh was husky at his words, then she was kissing him again. He let his hands wander over her body seeking places they hadn't touched before and soon the last of their clothing ended up on the floor with the rest. She slid off of his lap and stretched out on the bed. Buck watched her as she stretched thinking he'd not ever seen anyone take as great pleasure in that one act other than a mountain lion. He stretched out beside her and running his hands over her body enjoying the feel of her skin. It was soft as the fur of a rabbit. Leaning over her he kissed her then made a trail with his lips from her lips to the top of her breasts.

Lou needed to touch him, feel his strength under her fingertips. She pushed at his shoulder to get him to lay back but he wouldn't move. "Not yet," he whispered, "let me love you." Lou's hand dropped back to her side as she let Buck's hands explore her body. His wandering hands and gentle touch caused her to wiggle to get him to touch her where she wanted. He gently brushed past that one place as his hand trailed down her body and then past it again as it came back up. Her breathing increased as he began to trail kisses down her body. Lou was shocked when his lips touched the spot that had craved his touch and arched upwards with a gasp.

Buck smiled when she responded to his touch. The quilt that covered the bed was bunched in her hands as her desire climbed to its highest peak. He didn't stop didn't let her go as she reached the peak of pleasure. He heard her scream of final satisfaction and stayed where he was until it ended. He moved back up her body then and kissed her lips softly. He laughed when she made a sound that sounded distinctly like a very pleased cat.

"What?" Lou asked her eyes popping open at his laugh.

"You purred," he smiled down at her, laughter still in his voice. "I made you purr."

Lou's face reddened prettily. "I didn't. Did I?"

Buck nodded and kissed her again. "You are so beautiful right now."

Lou laughed this time, "Just right now?"

He kissed her neck, "No, all the time. On a horse," he moved up the side of her neck to her ear. "Hanging laundry out," he nipped her ear and she squealed. "In the kitchen," he kissed her cheek. "At the swimming hole as you were created," he kissed her nose. "But right now you are especially beautiful," he said as he finally took her lips in his.

When they parted she looked at him outraged and thought to ask him just when he'd seen her at the swimming hole but she felt his need now pressing against her thigh even though he didn't make a move to take his pleasure. "Buck, let me love you now."

"No, not just yet," he said as he buried his face against her neck. "If you touch me right now it'll be over too soon."

"Oh," she replied a bit surprised. No one had wanted to wait on her before and she'd never reached that place she had only moments earlier. "Please." When he still didn't move she took another chance then, after all it seemed the night for taking many chances. "We have the rest of our lives, don't we?"

Buck pushed up and away from her so he could see her face clearly. Had she just said what he thought she had? The next moment she nodded as if she'd read his mind. "Don't we, Buck?"

"We could," he replied but she heard a hesitation in his reply.

"I know that…that after all that happened and you hearing everything you must think...." Lou started to say.

"We've been over that, Lou," Buck replied, as he reached out and pulled her to sit in front of him. "But it's not you that…well, it is but….some folks won't…won't approve of you marrying me."

Lou knew what he meant. She knew that folks in town had made up their minds a long time ago that Indians and half-breeds weren't to be trusted. There were some in town that were kind and accepting but most weren't. "They'll have to accept it. I'm not going to say anyone has to like that we're together but…hell, it ain't any of their damn business."

"Lou, they could cause problems."

"And….come out and set fire to the place. I'd rebuild it. Try to make us leave…wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last. Say ugly things, things that will hurt…well, you recall what I did to Tompkins with the skillet that time? Since I've been cooking more I've gotten better with it. And don't you recall how well I can shoot. Least being a gun-runner's daughter came in good for something," she argued back countering every argument he was going to make with her own before he could voice it. She leaned toward him kissing him as she pushed him onto his back.

"I love you damn it and ain't no one ever going to make me stop," she growled as she straddled him. "And you mister, aren't going to get away from me that easy."

"You know you're pretty bossy for such a puny rider," he teased her.

"Puny but spry," she replied her eyes twinkling.

The rest of the night was spent by the two new lovers and old friends learning each other's body and where pleasure could take them. Lou was amazed at how much she didn't know about making love. She realized in the moments after they had finally made love that she'd never received back the love she gave until that moment. Buck had not only taken what she'd offered him but had given of himself in return. She'd been deceived but now…now she was loved, cherished, and finally safe. She sighed as he pulled her closer as the sun broke the horizon and greeted a new day.

A slight giggle escaped as she recalled something Rachel had said not long ago, "Come hell, high water or the second coming I'm going to marry that man. And the good Lord and the rest of the angels are going to have to wait until it happens." Yep, Rachel was right…everyone could just wait because for the first time in her life Lou felt the love she'd given unconditionally had been returned to her the same way.

The End (maybe….)

Author's Note: Thanks to Dee and Liz for all the suggestions and help.

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