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Prologue The fading rays of sun crept across the porch as Sara McSwain sat in the rocking chair she’d acquired after her brother had shot her. The gentle motion lulled her into dozing as she watched her husband working with a bay mare that had been brought in. Watching him she sighed, as usual his movements were smooth and lithe. He handled the mare with ease and confidence being careful not to spook her as he worked. His work worn hands traced over the animal carefully, soothing her even as he unsaddled her and started to put her away. Feeling a chill invade her body Sara rose and headed inside, it had been over three months since Ike had touched her. Three months in fact since she’d been shot and had her miscarriage making her wonder if in fact he’d lost interest in her. At first she was sure it was just because she’d been hurt, but as time had wore on doubts had crept in making her uneasy around him. Lately he’d taken to sleeping in the rocking chair in the bedroom or sleeping in the spare room instead of in their bed. She’d lost track of the nights she’d risen only to find herself alone in their bedroom. Rising she’d found him sleeping soundly in the guest room that he’d built on just after her miscarriage. She’d returned to bed to cry herself to sleep, the first time in a long line of nights she’d done it. Closing the front door Sara moved about slowly preparing the evening meal even as she listened for Ike’s familiar footsteps across the porch. Hearing them Sara pasted a smile on her face as she set the table and dished up the stew she’d made earlier in the day. Pouring his coffee she kept busy, her fingers flying across the plates, silverware and cups as she settled at the table. It was almost like living with a stranger; because she didn’t know the man who sat at the table with her anymore. He spoke only of business, or of his family and other things of little importance to them. Tonight she knew would be no different from the night before, or the many nights before that. Focusing on the food on her plate, Sara ate silently almost by habit as she tried not to focus on the tension in the room. With each minute that past, Sara could feel her heart breaking a little more and struggled against breaking into tears. Ike had said he loved her when she’d lost the baby, but now after so many weeks of distance Sara wondered how he could have stopped loving her so easily, especially when she still loved him desperately.
As soon as he was finished he rose and walked over to the cabinet to pull out the ledger. Flipping through the pages quickly he scanned the columns, comparing them to the lists he kept in his head for supplies and horses. Seeing a notation for a delivery from Rock Creek he sighed. He missed his family, his friends whom he hadn’t seen for any length of time since they’d left after Sara’d been hurt. Suddenly he wished he knew how to reach his wife, she’d been withdrawn and quiet for the past few weeks making it uncomfortable in the cabin. He’d taken to spending hours outside working with the livestock and the crops rather than face the distance between them. Feeling the oppressive weight of failure Ike wondered briefly how he could change things back to the way they were. He knew he couldn’t stay if things didn’t change; if he couldn’t break through the barrier Sara had put up, Ike knew their marriage was over. Hearing a rider approaching he headed back outside and smiled when he recognized the rider approaching. Waiting impatiently for the young man to pull up next to the porch, Ike noted the blue uniform Cody wore and sighed. “Hey Ike, how’s it going?” *Hi Cody. What brings you up here?* “Came to talk to shop.” Cody swung down gracefully, “With the war building up, the captain was wondering if you would be interested in joining the fight. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, after all you and Sara are still basically newlyweds, but we could sure use your help.” *For how long?* Ike glanced at the closed front door with a slight frown. He hated the thought of leaving her, but for too long she’d been unreachable. “Captain figures it’ll just be until Christmas. I’ll be in town if you decide you want to join. Just look me up, we’ll be there for a couple of days.” Cody declared leaping onto the sorrel’s back then turned him toward town and headed for Wellsburg.
Sara nodded. “It’s your decision.” Turning she headed back inside her jaw clenched even as Ike watched her from where he stood motionless. Pausing in the open doorway she glanced at him. “I’ll pack you a bag first thing, you can take the bay.” Staring after her Ike felt her words all the way to the bone, in her own way Sara had told him to go. Shivering at the coldness that invaded his body, Ike closed his eyes to ward off the tears; somehow he’d lost the only woman he had ever truly loved. Pushing aside the pain he strode inside and glared at the tiny woman who turned to him with an impassive expression, her attitude dejected and withdrawn; something he’d gotten used to. *Why wait? If you want me gone that badly, I’ll leave now. I’m sure I can catch Cody before he gets too far.* Ike stormed his eyes flashing angrily. “Why indeed?” Sara turned to head for the bedroom only to jerk back around when he grabbed her arm. Staring at him angrily she raised her chin a notch determined not to let him see just how much it hurt her to have him so near but so far away. *Damn it woman, what do I have to do to get through to you?* “Why ask me Ike? You seemed to have all the answers.” Sara smiled coldly, “What was it Lou told the Kid the last time we saw them, kiss me goodbye before you go? Well don’t bother because we both know you left a long time ago!” Jerking on her arm she was only slightly surprised to see that he didn’t let go. *I’m not the one that left.* Ike signed furiously, his whole body tense, his jaw muscles bunched as he gritted his teeth against the pain of her accusations. Jerking her toward him, he crushed her lips beneath his, if he had to go he’d at least take this memory with him. Tightening his grip on her body, he wasn’t sure who he was punishing, him for wanting her, or her for not needing him any longer. Twisting in his grasp, Sara struggled to keep her body from responding. Finally, desperately, unmindful of the tears streaking down her face, she clung to him as his lips bruised hers. Pushing at his clothing, she struggled to get him undressed even as he struggled with her clothing until they were both naked. Gasping at the suddenness of the movements, Sara clutched at Ike’s shoulders as he lifted her and carried her into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind them. Silently desperately, Sara loved him and let him love her. No matter how much it hurt her in the end she wanted him too much to let him leave without giving her a taste of what they’d had at one time.
*If this is all I can take with me Sara my darling, then I want more than just a touch. We’re wasting time sleeping, I want to remember what it felt like to be loved by you one more time before I leave.* He signed to her sleeping figure before leaning down to kiss her softly, his lips paying the homage to her body he couldn’t allow her to see. Hiding his elation, but not his response when she turned to him this time their loving was slow and tender without the rushed paced or the desperate need to show the other that they were in control. Afterwards, Ike pulled the blanket over Sara’s body and closed his
eyes to pretend sleep. Hours later he jerked awake and glanced around, Sara
lay sleeping next to him her face relaxed, her dark lashes lay on her cheeks
so softly. Squeezing his eyes shut he shook his head then slid silently from
their bed and dressed before picking up his gun, and packing a few personal
effects into his saddle bags then he stepped from their bedroom and padded
silently across the floor and out the door. Mounting up he rode east,
refusing to look back, refusing to face his shattered heart. Sitting by the window, munching on an apple Sara McSwain studied the freshly fallen snow with little interest. Patting the slightly rounded swell of her abdomen Sara closed her eyes against a fresh onslaught of tears. She’d known that cold September morning when she’d awakened to see the first fat flakes of snow that winter had arrived, rolling over she’d reached for her husband only to come up empty. Sitting up she whispered his name, not really surprised when she got no response. Pushing the covers off she padded silently to the front window and stared at the corral where his horse usually stood. That morning the bay had been gone, and she’d known then that her husband had indeed left. The silent tears had poured down her face as she realized that the night before had been more about goodbye than she could face. Throwing herself into the everyday work around the place, she’d welcomed the never ending stream of chores that helped her work herself into exhaustion until she could collapse into bed and cry herself to sleep. It had been nearly two months after Ike had ridden out that she’d woken up to extreme nausea and had been unable to drag herself out of bed that morning. Thankfully, Mrs Davies had come by and taken one look at her and ordered her to see the doctor. He’d taken one look at her and ordered her to bed for a week. He’d
then told her she was pregnant and that she needed to take care of herself
or she could lose her baby. Now in her seventh month Sara had come to realize
that her son or daughter was all that was left of what had been a happy marriage. Hopping off the counter she sighed as she walked to the table and sat down to write again to Louise Hunter in Virginia. She didn’t really expect an answer, after all in the weeks turned months since The Kid and Louise had left for Virginia none of her letters had ever gotten a response, but it helped ease the pain in her heart to write to the other young woman. Sara put the pen to the paper and let the silent tears fall as she stared at the blank paper. Resting her face in her hands Sara let the tears help ease the pain of the unknown until she was cried out then she picked up the pen again and wrote the date on the paper.
Tucking the letter delicately into an envelope and tucking it away, Sara paced the confines of the cabin as she tried to stem the fear in her heart. She never should have let him go, now she was alone again with no one to turn to ease the pain in her soul. Shuddering as she raked a hand through her hair, Sara stepped out the door and walked over to the barn and hitched up the team, she would go into town and send the letter then she’d go shopping. She needed some supplies and a few things in case Ike did come home, she didn’t want him to see her in a bunch of faded old dresses or worn out pants. Walking back into the house, Sara strapped on the colt Ike had
left behind, before she headed out to climb into the wagon wrapping the buffalo
robe around herself and started off for town. “I need a few things Mrs. M. I know its kinds of hard what with the war, but do you have any sugar?” Sara asked. “I need a ten pound sack as well as flour, baking soda, salt, and a few other odds and ends. I wrote it all down, including the amounts of each that I need. If you’ve got it as well I need two of the ten cent bags of licorice.” “Sweet tooth?” The older woman asked, knowing only too well that Sara missed her husband dreadfully. “Honey why don’t you come stay with us here in town? It ain’t safe out by your place these days what with those rebs acting up.” “I’m fine at home.” Sara smiled sadly. “Besides Ike’ll probably be coming home soon and I need to be there for when he gets home.” Nodding at Sara’s explanation the older woman hurried off to gather the supplies and had her husband carry them out to the buggy. “Was there anything else?” “I have a letter as well. Could you please see that it goes out on the next stage?” “Certainly.” Mrs. McLure took the letter and tucked it into the
mail pouch that was due to leave within the hour, glancing up she watched
the younger woman walk out of the store, her head held high, although her
shoulders were drooping a little more with each passing day that Ike wasn’t
back. “Damn Rebs.” She muttered and turned to go back about her business
with only a brief thought to the war that was going on right at the moment. Rising to gather her sewing she locked the door and sat down in the rocking chair that Ike had insisted she have after she’d dealt with her brother. “Daddy’ll come home soon.” Sara whispered patting her tummy. “Please God, bring him home safely.” After feeding herself she readied the house for the night and
put up the shutters without fear before she headed for bed. Curling into
a ball in the middle of the huge expanse she cried softly into her pillow,
her body aching for the touch of her husband almost as much as her soul ached
for the sight of him. The gray clouds of fall hung low in the sky blocking out what little sun there was as Ike sat by the fire in yet another nameless dismal army camp waiting for the battle to ensue and gazed at the tintype of a woman in his hands. Despite the pain he’d felt at leaving her, and the loss of their close ties he still loved her, still wanted and needed her in his life. “She’s pretty, who is she?” the question came from a young private who stood behind Ike. *My wife.* Ike signed then shrugged before writing in the mud the answer the boy sought. *And yes she is very pretty.* “Hey Ike, you got a letter.” Cody said hurrying forward with the paper to hand it to Ike who tore into it with the desperation of a man in need of a lifeline. “Who’s it from?” *Sara.* Ike said barely glancing at Cody as he unfolded the sheets of paper to start reading;
Staring down at the lines she’d crowded onto the pages Ike took a deep breath and shook his head. Foolish pride had prevented each of them from having a lifetime of happiness, now he was in some forsaken part of the country faced with killing regularly and no way of telling his wife that he loved her just as desperately. “Ike?” Cody knelt next to his friend, his tone low so as not to be over heard. “What is it?” *She loves me.* Ike signed quickly with a glance at him. *And I hurt her so badly by ignoring the pain she felt at the loss of our child.* “She doesn’t blame you.” Cody whispered. *No, she doesn’t. She should though, I should have paid closer attention to what she was doing, what she was hiding.* “She’ll wait for you. Forever if she has to.” Cody patted him on the shoulder before rising. “You’ve got guard tonight.” With a brief nod Ike rose to his feet tucking both letter and picture into his pocket before heading for the edge of camp to take on guard duty. Cody was right, Sara would wait forever if she had to, she wouldn’t give up that tiny flicker of hope that what they’d shared could be rebuilt. Sighing he had to agree someday soon he was going home and when he did, he’d show her just how much he loved her. Sitting under a tree Ike watched the faint glow of the sun fade into darkness and felt the chill right to his bones, he’d done more than his share in hurting Sara and it was high time he did something about it. Sitting there throughout the night he dozed in light naps, alert to any movement until finally he woke just before dawn and watched the stars fade to reveal the pastel world of sunrise. “Corporal McSwain, mount up we’re heading into battle this morning.” The sergeant’s words had him cringing before he went to do as he’d been ordered. Falling into position he sat and watched the rebel army line up to face off against his unit, unlike the many battles he’d been in before today he felt no fear, only a quiet desperation to make it through this battle so he could go home and see his wife. Hearing the bugler sound the charge he barreled down upon the rebels firing his gun at them even as he struggled to stay in the saddle. The acrid smell of gunpowder filled his nostrils, the roaring canons deafened him, the flash of bayonets and sabers in the early morning sunlight blinded him even as he forged on ahead, this was one more battle he had to get through before he could go home. The blur of men’s bodies as they rushed by filled his mind, the stench of blood competing with the odor of gunpowder filled the spring air even as he hit the ground and rolled regaining his feet nearly instantly, unmindful of the river of blood that coursed between his feet, turning the light brown clay rusty orange with it’s touch. Slipping in the blood, he stumbled over mutilated bodies, limbs that had been torn from their owner’s body by a canon ball, or a bayonet that had severed a hand or foot. Bits of bone, hair, and uniform clung to the shrubbery and grass under his feet as he fought his way forward. Finally, the sound of men retreating brought a huge cheer from his comrades in arms and he glanced around. The battle field was littered with corpses, men who lay either dead or dying their agonized moans filling the air as they tried to find peace or just comfort laying on the ground amid the destructive objects of a battlefield. Stepping over men, horses and guns he walked slowly through the tall grass, searching restlessly for a familiar face, a sign that there really was life after a battle. Hearing a strangled moan he headed for the crumpled figure laying on the ground and stared down at the boy in a gray uniform. “Please, help me.” The boy’s agonized voice had Ike reaching down and handing his gun to the boy before walking away. His body jerked at the booming echo of a colt going off but he felt no burning sensation of being shot so he kept on moving until he was far enough away from the blood of this battle that he could see something other than the red hue. “This war just keeps dragging on.” Cody said sinking down next to him. “How are you holding up?” *I want to see my wife.* Ike replied. *I want to go home Cody,
there is so much to be done back home. Why am I here? I should be with her,
not in some blood soaked hole watching men die for nothing.* Ike smiled sardonically, *I didn’t tell her I loved her when I left. I just let her sleep and rode out like she meant nothing.* Cody searched the pained expression on Ike’s face and knew that there was more to it then that. He wondered briefly what could have driven such a wedge in between them, and could time heal the wounds they’d suffered on their marriage. “Granted I don’t know much about what it was that happened but I do know this. Sara loves you more than anything, and you love her just as much if you two really want things to work out, you’ll find a way.” Ike nodded his agreement even as the officers and regular calvary men moved past them headed for camp. There’d be a lot of celebrating, drinking and such in camp tonight and he wanted no part of it. *I’m gonna go for a ride. I don’t feel like a winner right now Cody. I’ll see you in a bit.* “I’ll see you for lunch.” Cody replied watching Ike grab a horse and mount up to ride away. The smoke from the fires started by exploding canons filled the morning air, obscuring his vision until he couldn’t see his friend anymore. Staring after him long after he’d gone Cody felt a deep sense of loss, he hadn’t seen Jimmy or Kid in close to a year now. Teaspoon was apparently fighting for a Texas regiment, and no one had heard from Buck since the express had broken up. “Hey Cody, what you waiting for down there, a miracle?” The teasing laughter of another of the scouts had him glancing at him with a sad smile. “No. Praying for my family to be safe again.” Rising smoothly
Cody dusted his uniform off and walked past the man headed for camp. She’d been such a large part of the reason why he’d never moved to Rock Creek with the others. He could still picture that day when he’d rode into Wilson Station to see her standing on the porch, her long hair blowing freely in the breeze a smile on her face as she recognized him. He’d felt the kick of that smile, the love in her eyes all the way to his soul. Shifting he wondered if she remembered the happier times, and how it felt to love him freely without worrying about what was happening, who was in control. Reaching down he pulled off his gloves and stared at the tiny band of gold he had never removed, it symbolized so much and yet weighed so little. He’d never been so proud or so happy as that day when she’d slipped it on his finger and smiled at him shyly. Leaning his head back against the tree trunk he took the band off and stared at it as it sparkled in the sun, catching the light and reflecting it. With a derisive laugh he slipped it back on and pulled his knees up so he could rest his arms on them. How he wished he’d done things differently. Hearing footsteps he reached for his gun even as he rose. Scanning the area he watched a figure appear in the mist and move through it slowly, calmly until the man was standing a few inches away from him. Meeting the man’s eyes Ike felt a frisson of alarm, there was no expression to the man’s eyes, he looked at Ike much the same way a child studies a worm. Dispassionately, coldly until their curiosity is satisfied. With a brief nod, the man turned and disappeared back into the mist his gray uniform covered in blood, dust and frayed as he walked away. Relaxing Ike slid his gun back into it’s holster and moved back to where he’d been sitting, he didn’t care if they caught him. An army prison was better than fighting for something that would never be the same again. “Hey Ike!” Hearing the insistent voice of one of the privates
in his outfit Ike glanced up to see the young man with soot on his face and
death in his eyes walking toward him. “How come you’re way out here?” “Yeah I know what you mean. I miss my girl back in Dakota Territory.” *You should let her know. Sometimes a letter brings a lot of comfort.* “I know. I will tonight.” The boy said as a strange whistle filled the air alerting both men to trouble. A moment later the loud boom of a canon being discharged told the men what it was that made the noise half a second before the canon ball exploded next to where the two had been sitting. Ike felt the sharp pain of shrapnel penetrate his leg and rolled to get away from it, hunkered down behind the tree he glanced around for the boy and swallowed hard at the mutilated remains still leaning against the tree next to where he’d been sitting. Shaking his head he glanced down, a small piece of metal stuck out of his lower calf, reaching down he pulled it out and tossed it aside before jerking off his bandana and wrapping it around his leg to stem the bleeding. Crawling through the underbrush he sought cover even as the
sound of two armies clashing filled the air. Knowing he had no way of knowing
where his unit was, Ike ducked down and headed back for the camp to rearm
before he entered the fight. Wiping at the sweat on her brow, Sara sunk the axe bit into the chopping block and bent down to gather up the wood she’d just chopped albeit awkwardly. Patting her stomach as she felt the baby kick, Sara glanced around uneasily. A woman alone tended to be a target these days and she never let her guard down. Tossing the wood onto the woodpile she turned and started on some more wood to be chopped, she had a garden to tend to later on in the morning, as well as a field to finish plowing. Hearing hoof beats she put the axe down and reach for the rifle she kept nearby as she searched for the rider or riders. Spotting two riders coming from the west she tightened her grip on the repeater before moving so she had the house at her back. Pulling up sharply James Wilson stared at the young woman who stood with a rifle in her hands at his approach. “Looks like she’s alone. We can get fresh horses..” His saddle partner whistled at the sight of a pretty young woman. “No, we’ll buy them if she wants to sell, we’re not taking nothing.”
James declared. “Because.” James glanced at the man who rode with him, “That’s Sara Wilson.” “Who?” Glancing with disdain at the man James shook his head, “My sister.” “Oh. I see so she’s untouchable because she’s family to you.” “No she’s untouchable cause she’s a lady. You want some action, go see one of the saloon girls. I told you before I’d kill you the next time you abused some woman and I mean it.” “Don’t see what’s so special about any woman. That’s what they’re there for.” Shaking his head James kept his horse at a walk, “You’re a very sick man.” Pulling up next to the corral he sat his horse and met his sister’s eyes. It didn’t take him any longer than a few seconds to realize she didn’t remember him, “Howdy.” “What do you want?” The woman’s voice held an undercurrent of steal to it. ‘We’re in need of some grub and a couple of fresh horses. We can pay for ‘em.” “Why not just take them?” Sara stared at the second man for a second then raised an eyebrow, “Try it and I’ll shoot you dead.” “Ma’am we don’t mean no trouble.” “Well ain’t that too bad. This here’s private property, and
my husband and I don’t allow no trespassers so you’d best ride on.” Sara
snapped uneasily. She was scared, there was two of them and only one of her. “Why don’t you just drop that gun..?” The second man said pulling a handgun and aiming it at her. Swallowing Sara shook her head. “You better kill me, cause that’s the only way you’re getting anything. Ride out or else.” “Or else what?” The man sneered unmindful of the man he’d rode in with as he started to dismount. The loud boom of a colt going off made his horse jump, even as he felt the searing pain of a bullet sink into his chest. “I warned you Sid,” James said. “Respect the lady or else.” Turning the rifle on the man who’d shot his partner, Sara swallowed. “Look I ain’t got anything so just get out of here.” “Sara put the rifle down.” James spoke softly putting the gun back in his holster he registered the flicker of surprise in the woman’s eyes a moment before she pulled the hammer back on the gun. “I don’t know you Mister and I don’t care what your story is,
you best ride on.” “Listen all I want is a fresh horse, you can take these two in trade.” “What makes you think I’d want a pair of outlaws horses? I told you ride out.” Sara backed up a couple of steps as the man dismounted. “I can’t ride out until I have a fresh horse. These two have been moving for over a week straight, they need rest.” “So? Town’s half a day’s rise that way, they’ll give you fresh horses.” “You shouldn’t be getting so all fired up woman, especially in your delicate condition.” “My condition is my business.” Sara said as the man advanced. “Not one step closer or I’ll shoot.” Pausing James studied his sister carefully, she didn’t know who he was which wasn’t surprising since he hadn’t seen her in close to twelve years, the last time she’d been just a slip of a girl in pigtails. “Alright, alright. I’ll ride out. Sorry to have troubled you.” “If your horse is ailing that much take the sorrel in the corral and leave your horses. You’d best bury your friend to, I ain’t gonna do it.” “Thank you.” Moving off James picked up a shovel and headed for a spot on the hill. It only took him a few minutes to dig a grave for Sid before he moved to unsaddle his horse, noting that Sara hadn’t lowered the rifle she held. Tightening the cinch on the sorrel he mounted up and tipped his hat, “Ma’am. Much obliged.” Staring impassively at him Sara watched the man ride out before moving to check over the two horses. Running her hands over the animals she did have to admit that they were both excellent horses that had just been ridden into the ground, a few days rest and they’d be fine. “Well you’re gonna get plenty of rest.” Sara muttered headed for the barn, “I’ve got work to do so you just take it easy.” Humming under her breath Sara hitched up the draft team and headed for the field to finish plowing it in preparation of next year’s crop. Hours later Sara paused in the field and reached for her canteen
to take a long drink of water. Wiping at the sweat that ran down her face,
matting her hair and making it cling to her flushed skin and shook out the
reins to set the team in motion. Rubbing her back as she walked to the house, Sara laughed softly, “I’m gonna be glad when you’re born my darlin’. It’ll be nice not to have a backache.” Peeling potatoes she sliced them and put them in the frying pan along with a small steak and some canned vegetables. Working swiftly she had supper cooking, then started on gathering the items she’d need for her evening sewing. With a slight frown she pulled out pen and paper and set them on the table, she’d write to Lou again although she doubted she’d get a response. After she’d eaten her supper she washed up the dishes and settled
back at the table to write the letter to her friend. Several pages later
she sat back and rubbed her abdomen before rising to stretch and begin shutting
the house up for the night. Waking suddenly Sara glanced around uneasily, she rarely woke during the night these days, her body was too exhausted for it with the workload she had and the impending birth of her baby. Rolling over she sat up and reach for her wrap, pulling it around her shoulders Sara padded barefoot out into the kitchen area and opened the shutters to glance out the window to see what it was that had disturbed her sleep. Seeing nothing she frowned, something had woken her. The sharp searing pain in her abdomen had her bending over and gasping for breath. Feeling ill she sucked in several breaths and struggled to straighten, finally making it as the pain receded to nothing. “Not tonight baby, wait until morning for this.” She whispered making her way slowly to the bedroom. Laying down she pulled the quilt up over her shoulders and winced when another pain hit. Closing her eyes she struggled to keep from screaming, she didn’t want to scare herself anymore than she already was. Laying still in between pains she breathed through them, focusing on a point on the wall so that she wouldn’t have to worry she felt the pains getting closer and closer. Gasping Sara felt the heat of her water breaking and silently cursed fate as she realized she’d probably have to deliver her baby by herself. Moaning softly at the realization of what could happen, Sara struggled with her own fear. She couldn’t bear to lose her baby when she lost her husband. Sighing she relaxed as the pains eased only to tense up when another pain wrapped itself around her and squeezed. Dawn had come and gone when Sara bit her lip to stop herself at the urge to push. Bearing down hurt and she whimpered in agony as she held her breath and pushed. Following her body’s prompts she flopped back onto the bed when the urge passed before pushing again. Sara wondered when her body was going to be torn in two pieces as she felt the baby moving down until she felt a warm release and a moment later the baby lay on the bed, squirming and mewling as she picked him up. Pinching the cord, Sara tied it and cut it before wiping the little boy down with her wrap. “Well you were definitely a lot more work having than making.” She teased the little boy then laughed when he gave a loud cry. “But worth it, my little hunter.” Pausing she glanced at her son then at the roof, “So be it. Hunter Isaac McSwain it is.” Pushing aside her exhaustion she rose from the bed, lay the baby down in the middle surrounded by pillows and blankets and headed for the wash basin where she washed up before carrying it to the bureau by the bed and washing up the baby. Setting him in a drawer she put it next to the kitchen stove where it was warmest and stripped the bed before getting dressed and dragging the soiled bedclothes outside to where she did the laundry. Putting water on to boil she sat down in the rocker and lifted her son to nurse him. Pushing on the floor she set the rocker into motion Sara hummed softly under her breath as she stared into the flames as her son pulled at her breast relieving the discomfort of too much milk. Glancing down into the babe’s face she smiled as he loosened his grip and stopped sucking, a sure indication that he was finished. Lifting him up she patted his back until he gave a loud burp. Laying him back into the drawer she straightened her clothes, silently cursing the fact that her shirt was soaked with milk. Stripping down she washed up quickly and wrapped a binding cloth around her, making sure there was extra padding in front before donning a dry shirt. “Well little man, you stay there until Momma gets back. Stock’s gotta be fed, and there ain’t anyone else to do it.” Wrapping her shawl around her shoulders she stepped outside and took a deep breathe before heading for the barn. The impatient nicker of horses drew a smile from her and she opened the barn door and stepped inside, “Well my darlin’s you’d best get used to it. I’m turning you out onto the pasture I can’t keep running out here to feed you when I should be feeding the baby.” She spoke softly even as she tossed hay into the feed buckets and opened the door to the pasture so the horses and cow could get out. Moving quickly she gathered the eggs and headed back to the house. Stepping up onto the porch she opened the door and glanced behind her with a sad smile. She had hoped Ike would come by but she didn’t think he would, not after the way she’d shut him out.
“I sure hope things start looking up.” Sara whispered as she shook off the sorrow that still plagued her when the memory of the child she’d never known came back to haunt her. “He needs a marker.” She muttered and gathered some branches, tied them together to make a cross and carried the crude cross to a spot overlooking the house and pasture, under a tall stand of pine trees. Driving it into the ground she stepped back and nodded, now maybe the guilt would ease. Heading back to the house she kept an eye on the road, she wouldn’t want to run into trouble before she got to the house.
Finally, hesitantly she tore open the first and stared at the familiar scrawl of Sara McSwain’s writing. Reading the lines Sara had written, Lou felt the tears fall as she read the fears, hopes and demons that haunted her. Brushing away the tears, she rose and glanced around the room. There was a train leaving for Wellsburg in a few hours and she was going to be on it. She’d go see Sara first then she’d go home to Sweetwater, to where Rachel lived while she waited for Teaspoon to come home. “Why Missus Miller, you look upset. Is something wrong?” Her room mate asked with concern. “No ma’am. I’ve made a decision is all. I have to leave, I’m going home.” Lou said shakily, her hands trembled where they sat on her hips, the letters still clutched within her grasp. “I understand. I’ll get my husband to see you to the train.” “Thank you Mrs. Jacobson but no. I’ll make my own way.” Lou replied heading back up the stairs. Closing herself in her room she changed into her riding clothes, hiding her obvious pregnancy she strapped on her guns, pulled her hair back and tucked it under her hat. With a final glance at the mirror she stared for a moment at the woman who stared back at her, then walked out the door and down the steps. “Missus Miller please..” “Thank you Ma’am but I’ll be fine.” Louise said with a smile. “I’ve got something to go home to. Thank you for all you’ve done.” “No problem. Safe journey.” “Thank you.” Turning Lou walked out of Tubsicay, Virginia and boarding the train without one looking back. Sinking onto the seat in the train car she stared forward decisively, it was time she did this. Rachel would need her.” “Can I be of some assistance?” The silky tone drew her eyes and she shook her head. “No, thank you.” Lou turned back to the window as the well dressed
man sat down across from her. “Mister, I was traveling alone when you were still trying to figure out which end of the horse was forwards. You’d best leave me be, I’ve no objection to shooting someone to protect myself.” Lou snapped and watched the man leave in a huff. Turning away from everyone Lou settled into her thoughts, her memories of happier times when she had first married the Kid and the nights of passion filled with days of laughter. She’d always known he’d go home to fight and she’d followed him, but now she had to leave Virginia. Her home was in Nebraska along with Ike’s wife, Rachel and even Emma who had recently moved with Sam to Capital City. Three days later Lou stepped off the train in Wellsburg and glanced around, the place hadn’t changed that much. The streets were still filled with muddy ruts, the local businesses were only moderately busy and yet the one place in town that no one should have any desire to be was hopping. Shaking her head at the noise and bustle of the saloon Lou headed for the general store, Sara often frequented that place so they’d know if she was still in the area. “Morning.” Stopping just inside the doors Lou smiled at the aged couple who ran the place. “Morning.” Mrs. McLure said glancing up and feeling a kick in her chest. One of the boys who’d helped out Ike when Harris had gone after Sara stood in the doorway, flanked by the bright summer sunlight. “Can I help you?” “Looking for Sara. I got a letter from her and was hoping she hadn’t moved.” Lou explained. “As far as I know she’s still out at the farm. Course nobody’s seen her in over a month. Last time anyone saw her she had come in for supplies.” Mrs McLure declared. “Well then I’d best ride out and see. Is there somewhere I can rent a horse.” “No need.” The familiar voice of the livery man had everyone turning. “Why?” “Fella brought one of her horses into town and left it at the livery. Said to take it out to her place.” “I’ll take it.” “Alright. I’ll saddle him up for you and be right back.” “Thanks.” Lou waited impatiently for the man to come back with the mount. When he did she nodded her appreciation and stepped off the walk and into the saddle, riding while she was seven months pregnant was awkward to say the least but she had no other choice. Nudging the horse into a light jog she headed for Wilson Station. The gelding ate up the miles along the road until early afternoon
when Lou pulled up under a rough hewed archway that bore a brand. Glancing
at the brand Lou smiled, “They picked the Rocking M for a brand. I thought
she said they were gonna call this the McSwain Cattle Company.” Shrugging
she nudged the horse forward until he was galloping and headed for the house. Sara glanced up from where she sat on the front stoop at the sound of a rider approaching and tensed. Rising she reached for the rifle she never kept far off and turned to study the approaching rider, slowly a smile drifted across her face as she recognized both horse and rider. “Louise!” Sara called and stepped off the steps to hurry toward where the horse was slowing down and finally stopped. “Sara. I’m so glad to see you.” Lou stepped down off the horse as gracefully as she could and turned to her friend. “It’s been way to long.” “It has indeed. Been over a year since we saw each other.” “How are you?” Seeing the shadows under Sara’s eyes and the stretched, tired look to her face Lou frowned in concern. “I’m doing okay.” Sara shrugged off the other woman’s concern. “I’ll live.” “Sara, you’re not doing okay.” Lou took a hold of her arm gently, “You look exhausted, you’ve lost weight, and the shadows in your eyes show more than the ones underneath them.” “I’ll live Lou. Nobody ever died from having a broken heart.” “What do you mean?” Lou asked as Sara took the horse and headed for the corral. “Sara, where’s Ike?” “I have no idea.” Sara replied unsaddling the horse with only a brief thought to where the man who’d traded had left him. “He rode out of here months ago with Cody to fight, I haven’t seen or heard from him since.” “I’m sure he’s written. It just takes time to get the letters.” Lou said wondering why Sara had just a dull, toneless quality to her. “If he wrote, it wouldn’t have been to me.” Sara glanced at Lou. “When I say he left, I mean he left for good Louise. Ike isn’t coming back, at least not here.” “Why?” “Because I was a fool. In effect, I killed our marriage.” “How?” Lou demanded crossly. “I know Ike he loved you too much to just let some little quarrel kill what he felt.” “I shut him out Louise. I built this huge wall around me after I lost the baby, and I just couldn’t bring myself to let him in.” Sara whispered. “I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already had so I pulled back, put distance between us that didn’t belong.” “I’m sure he would forgive you for that.” “I wouldn’t.” Sara said leading the way back to the house. “If
it came down to it Louise, I wouldn’t forgive myself for what I did. I let
my pride kill the only thing I’m ever gonna want. He deserves so much better.” Shaking her head Sara tried to stem the tears that she could feel burning at the back of her eyes. “If only I could believe that. If only I could make myself believe that he could forgive me, but I can’t Lou because I can’t forgive myself for driving him away.” “I’m so sorry Sara.” Lou wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.” “What about you?” Sara demanded trying to change the subject. “What brings you back here?” “I needed a change of pace.” Lou laughed. “Kid knows if I’m not in Tubsicay I’ll be here or in Sweetwater. I told him often enough. I just couldn’t stay there with the war and not knowing was killing me.” “Well you’re more than welcome to stay here for as long as you want.” Sara glanced at Lou as she shed her oversized coat. “So how far along are you?” “Seven and a half months.” Lou replied. “And boy do I feel everyone of the days.” “Just wait until you have to deliver. If you’re really lucky you’ll have a short labor.” “What do you mean?” Lou asked as Sara adjusted her clothes and shifted so that the bundle she’d picked up was revealed as a healthy growing baby that looked at least five months old. Smiling Lou shook her head, “Never mind. I see what you mean.” Laughing at the understanding in Lou’s eyes Sara turned her
attention back to her son. Setting her rocker in motion she leaned back and
got comfortable as the boy suckled hungrily. She could feel Lou’s eyes on
her periodically but didn’t worry about it as the other woman busied herself
with rediscovering the house. “Yeah, Ike built them before he left. Spent more time building them than anything else. The room next to the storage trunk is set up, you can use that one.” Sara pointed out before turning her attention back to her son. Nodding Lou gathered her belongings and walked into the room Sara had indicated. Closing the door she stared at the large bed, dresser, and wardrobe stand that occupied the room. The bed was covered in a hand-sewn quilt, the pillows fluffed and the bedclothes turned down. Opening the drawers Lou stared at the clothes in them and sighed, reaching up she withdrew the items and placed them on the bed. “Oh Ike what happened here?” Lou whispered staring at the tintype laying on the clothes of the young woman who stood next to the house her face wreathed in smiles at the young man standing holding her close. Finishing empty the dresser she put her few items into it and
closed the drawers before pulling her hair back into a ponytail and rolling
up her sleeves, it was time to get to work. *How long has it been since we’ve been home?* Ike glanced at his friend. “Going on a year and half now.” Cody replied. “It was early fall when you signed up, Christmas has come and gone, and we’re headed for winter again. There was ice on the river this morning.” *Seems longer.* Ike signed staring at the scar on his leg, he’d received it the previous spring down by some little town in Georgia. *I should write her.* “Yeah I’d say so.” Cody glanced at his jacket then turned back to the man who had grown with him from the time he was a young man till now. He knew Ike watched his back, and he only hoped he could return the favor to the fullest extent possible. “Even if all you do is tell her you’re still alive.” *I’ve been saving my money, figure I’d send it on home.* Ike glanced at Cody. *You think I should?* “Wouldn’t hurt.” Cody leaned back and closed his eyes as he let the heated water soak into his bones. “I should write to Lou and Rachel one of these days.” Ike laughed softly and sunk into the tub, his thoughts turning to what his wife was doing at the moment. He could still smell the faint odor of roses that she’d used in her bath water, and the faint odor of freshly baked bread that clung to her skin despite her attempts to wash it away. Knowing Sara she probably plowed one field and planted oats, corn, or some other cash crop to make ends meet, as well as taking care of the herd they’d started to build. Silently cursing his own pride, Ike suddenly wished desperately that he was at home with her. Pushing himself out of the tub Ike dried, dressed in a clean, freshly pressed uniform and picked up his saddle bags as Cody glanced at him. *I’m going back to the hotel. I’ll see you there okay?* “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Cody replied watching his friend disappear out the door and head for the hotel three blocks down.
Sitting back Ike glanced up as the door opened and Cody stepped into the room. *That was fast.* “Didn’t want to take any longer than I had to. We’re being called on to move out in the morning, you and I pulled prisoner duty.” *I hate prisoner duty. What the hell were they thinking putting us on it.* “I don’t know Ike, but we can only hope it’s not a long stint.” Cody said as he strapped on his gun. “You finished with that letter?” Ike nodded and rose to grab his hat, coat and saber. *Yep, just have to send it out.* “Drop it off with the mail boy, he’ll get it out for you.” Cody said leading the way down the hall and the few steps that made up the entry into the hotel. “The prisoners are leaving first thing, headed for Summersville so we won’t have too long a watch.” *Good.* Ike glanced around at the women and children in the streets. *I sure as hell hope that this is over soon.* “We all do.” Cody replied as the relieved the two guards standing outside the makeshift prison for those taken on the battlefield or afterwards. “I’ll see you in a few hours okay?” *I’ll be around.* Ike said moving down the line to relieve another soldier.
Moving out they headed north, the outfit moving slowly exhaustion in every man’s face, the horses heads drooping despite having twenty four hours of resting. Rising side by side with Cody, Ike kept one eye on the landscape. An ambush wouldn’t be good, in fact it would practically wipe out the column as they marched onward. Early afternoon found them pausing at a river, the water ran with huge floating pieces of ice and the men looked uneasily at each other. Crossing now could prove disastrous to the horses later unless they made camp on the other side and rubbed the horses down quickly. “We’re crossing here, the Captain said we’ll make camp on the other side.” “These horses can’t handle crossing in that cold of water. They’re gonna go down before we get halfway across.” One of the others complained. “Don’t argue with the Captain. He knows what he’s doing.” Cody snapped as he glanced uneasily at the icy water. It would take more than just good wishes to cross here, they’d be better off going upstream about ten miles and crossing over unfortunately ten miles upriver the entire rebel army was waiting. *We can do this.* Ike signed. *These horses are conditioned for this, we’ll make it Cody.* “Lets hope you’re right.” *I refuse to be wrong.* Ike shrugged a stubborn tilt to his chin, *I’m going home soon. And crossing this river is one more step in the right direction.* Cody nodded silently, “If you say so Ike. If you say so.” He watched his friend kick his horse forward and enter the river without glancing backwards. “Well old boy, looks like we’re next.” He whispered to his horse and nudged the horse into the water. Feeling the freezing water invade his boots he shivered and silently cursed his captain before directing his horse across the river and up the other bank. Darkness was closing in as the last of the column crossed over, trotting up the bank and pulling up to make camp within a half mile from the river. It took several hours for the men to get the horses rubbed down, changed and settled in for the night as they struggled to keep one eye on their camp lines and one on the horses, it would be a day or so before they could ride on. Sitting staring into the fire Ike lost himself in his memories of his wife, the firelight dancing on her skin, the golden glow flickering on her skin with a lover’s touch; the light catching the blue-black highlights in her hair as she moved around, the long curls dancing across her shoulders and down her back with wild abandon until they ended at her waist. The snapping of the fire reminded him of the night they’d made love the first time, the roar of thunder, the crackle of lightning, even as the light from the fire she’d had roaring in the fireplace faded till the room was only illuminated by the light from the storm. “Thinking of home?” Cody asked as he settled next to Ike by the opening of their tent. Ike nodded sagely then grinned. *Home and the comforts there of. Best get some rest, if that army is as close as you said it is, we’re looking at another fight tomorrow.* “Take your own advice Ike.” Cody slapped him on the shoulder and retreated to the darkness of the tent as Ike nodded and shifted so that he was laying in his bedroll. Email DestardiHOME |