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Sitting in the loft, she quickly sorted the boxes of memories
that
had been stored for close to sixty years. She brushed an aged hand
across
her face as she caught a glimpse of one of her wedding pictures.
It had been a shock when he’d passed away two days before she thought,
she’d
always thought she’d go before him. Shrugging the uncomfortable
thoughts
she returned her attention to the boxes that cluttered the loft of the
old
house.
Opening an old wooden trunk that was familiar from years
before
she froze, a small hand crafted box complete with a familiar scrolling
pattern
sat covered in dust next to an old colt. Picking the box up she dusted
it
off and pulled on the top. The old hinges squealed in protest as they
opened
to reveal a well worn leather bound book laying next to a small bible.
Carefully she opened the book and smiled, wrapped in a faded
green
ribbon was a sprig of bluebonnets, underneath the familiar scrolled
handwriting
of her husband was faded on the yellow paper.
The name was faded, and nearly gone as the ink bleached out of the
paper
but she could still make it out if she squinted hard enough. Turning
the
pages carefully she noted the paper crinkled and was browned around the
edges
but still ledge able.
March 21, 1860
Its been nearly a week since I won that fight and earned
enough
to buy the paint mare that stands a few feet away. We’ve learned a
great
deal about each other and I’ve developed my riding skills as we move
from
town to town.
Just this afternoon I saw a sign for Express Riders wanted.
I’ve
considered applying, I am running out of the last of the money I won
despite
my being so careful. I figure I’ll go in tomorrow morning and sign up.
Twenty
five a week is too much to pass up, even for a dangerous job. I realize
now
I won’t be returning home again, something that saddens me a little but
at
the same time, is a relief.
March 24,
Well I’ve done it! I signed up for the express, took me a
couple
of days to locate the recruiters but once I did, they were happy to
sign
me up. They even gave me an advance, said dangerous work shouldn’t be
done
for nothing. I took what they paid me and bought a new saddle and
bridle
for Katy, as well as some clothes for myself. Virginia seems so far
away,
and the name Daniels is not heard of here. The recruiter says I have
to travel a ways to the way station that is to be my new home. I’m
looking
forward to it.
She flipped through the pages that spoke of his journey to
Sweetwater
then stopped at a familiar date. Thinking back she remembered it was
the
day she’d seen him standing next to the rough fence, a paint mare
standing
so patiently behind him.
April 2 1860
I met HIM today! I don’t know there’s just something about
him
that draws my attention. I know it’s wrong, heck I should be thinking
of
my job, not some scrawny boy who only comes up to my chin. I mean he’s
got
such expressive brown eyes that are hidden by a pair of spectacles, and
his
short auburn hair is sheared off, the tips peaking under his hat. He
stands
stiffly, like he’s trying to be unobserved, or maybe like he’s just
watching
us.
The more I try to avoid him, the more I’m drawn to him and I
find
it very disconcerting. Along with him, there’s four others James Butler
Hickok, he’s very much like myself, although I think he’s channeled his
anger
into his gun hands, then there’s Cody as he likes to be called. He
never
shuts up! He’s always talking, and if he’s not talking he’s eating.
Then
there’s Buck Cross a nice, quiet half-blood. He’s here with Ike McSwain
a
young man who doesn’t speak! He seems a little unusual but he’s nice.
But
no matter, I don’t find myself watching any of them, or feeling
uncomfortable
around them.
It’s only with Lou, that’s his name, that I find myself put
in
an uncomfortable and uneasy situation. He’s a great rider, better than
I
in fact, and while he seems brusque and untalkative I still see a
softness,
a haunted soul behind his eyes. I can’t explain it, but it pulls at me
regardless.
Our station master Mister Teaspoon Hunter said that we’ll be
going
out on runs within a couple of days, hopefully that’ll give me chance
to
think of things, and give me some distance between myself and Lou
McCloud.
April 8,
Lou has just come in from his first practice run! Said he
didn’t
see anything that was worth worrying over, but he didn’t go very far.
Just
out to Cross Creek and back, tomorrow he’s suppose to leave on his
first
real run to Willow Springs. He leaves at first light, and I leave
within
a couple of hours of him. I’m headed for Beggars Bluff, a longer
portion
of the trail than he has to take, but I look forward to it! I find
myself
fighting an attraction to him that I can’t keep fighting. I fear I may
have
to quit if I can’t get my mind on my job. I have responsibilities to
others
besides myself, and I hate to break my word no matter what.
I nearly got myself into hot water earlier today when I was
watching
him, the impulse to kiss him overtook me and if the others had not been
there
I surely would have made the mistake of following through. Sometimes I
wonder
what is wrong with me, I can’t afford to screw up!
April 9
Dusk has fallen and for once I’m grateful for the company of
others.
Earlier today I came across Lou out near one of the stations. He’d been
shot
by several men who had robbed the station, and left to die.
I took him inside the station, and while I don’t know
anything
about the human body, I thought I could at least help patch him up till
we
got back to Sweetwater. I nearly had a heart attack when I discovered
Lou
was a young woman! I nearly fainted and I know she was scared I would
tell
on her. I’m not sure about that. My upbringing says to tell, but
something
about her keeps my tongue silent. I wonder thought what she would say
if
she knew how much I’m attracted to her. Probably shoot me! Now sitting
by the firelight, everyone is asleep and yet I find I can’t seek the
solace
of my bedroll.
My emotions are so jumbled, I feel like I’ve betrayed her
even
though I haven’t spoken a word of her secret. I can’t bring myself to
do
that! I couldn’t handle losing the young woman who somehow is so much a
part
of what keeps me here now! I suppose the others will figure it out
shortly,
but it won’t be me that reveals the truth.
Smiling she closed her eyes, and let the memories wash over her,
sending
her back to the night she’d watched from beneath her lashes as he’d
made
this entry. She’d lain there so silently, fearful that he would reveal
her
secret. Watching him, she’d wondered what he was doing as he wrote so
carefully,
his brow furrowed in thought. When he’d glanced at her she’d been
shocked
to see the heat in his blue eyes and had quickly closed her eyes.
The next morning they’d gone on and brought in the men who’d robbed the
station
and stolen all the horses. As evening had approached she’d sought him
out
in the barn, the words he’d spoken still clear in her mind.
“Kid?” She’d approached him as he was grooming Katy.
“Yes Lou?” He glanced at her quickly.
“Thank you for keeping my secret.” She stood next toe stall door.
“I didn't promise...”
“No, but you could've said something and you didn't.” Lou interrupted
“You got a right to make your own way. I won't tell, I give you my
word.”
He promised with a smile. “It's gonna take some getting used to, now
that
you are a girl.”
“Uh, I always been a girl, Kid.” She laughed softly as she walked away,
leaving
him staring after her.
Shaking herself she pulled herself back to the task she’d set out to do
this
morning when she’d come in. For a few minutes she was able to focus on
cleaning
but then the journal pulled at her and she picked it up and settled in
to
read on.
June 3 1860
Today Lou asked me to go with her to a dress shop, she’s going to go
see
her brother and sister in Saint Joe Missouri. I’ve never seen anyone so
beautiful
as she was standing in that blue dress. It didn’t matter that not more
than
ten minutes earlier she was dressed in pants and her gun, she looks
beautiful
no matter what she’s wearing. I’ve had to bite my tongue so many times,
after
all I’m not sure she’d be overjoyed to hear I’m falling further in love
with
her than I know is wise. I know that if her secret is revealed she
could
lose her job, and if that happens she’ll move on something I don’t want
to
see happen. I do everything I can think of to protect her secret, I
know
what the stakes are for both of us if she’s discovered.
I hope her visit goes well, and at the same time I pray she realizes
that
if she needs me, all she has to do is ask. She is my best friend, my
confidante,
and I feel I can tell her anything. There’s been so many times in the
last
few months that we’ve kissed that I wished I could just sweep her up
and
carry her off so we could make love all day, but I know she has to
prove
she can handle herself.
I have no doubts that she’s as capable as any man in doing her job, but
at
the same time it worries me that the others seem to be getting curious
about
her and I’s relationship. I can only hope that they won’t start asking
questions.
May 5
She’s only been gone two days and I already feel as though she’s been
gone
longer. It’s hard to concentrate on the menial tasks Teaspoon and Emma
set
out for us when I know she’s out there alone. Every instinct in me says
I
shouldn’t have let her go alone, and yet I am well aware of the
strength
she has. Louise is more than capable of taking care of herself, it’s
just
nice to know I can be her knight in shining armor sometimes.
Jimmy’s been getting on my case the last couple of days, says I need
some
time off to get my mind on my work. He thinks I’m thinking of some girl
in
town and while he’s partially right, I am thinking of a girl, it’s not
one
of those in town.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to, but at the same time I’m not
sure
I could explain it to anyone. I love her so that the thought of losing
her
is like driving a red hot stake into my heart! I anxiously await her
return.
May 7,
I’ve just gotten word that Louise is in trouble. I know that I should
refuse
help, after all if they find out she’s a girl, it’ll cost both her and
I
a lot more than I want to consider. We’re riding out today, I promised
her
I’d help her out no matter what and by damn that’s what I’m gonna do.
How
I’m not sure, but I have an idea where she went and I’m right we should
get
there within the space of a couple of days. The others feel a sense of
urgency
in my request for help, and haven’t asked any questions but I know that
they
are curious and in no time, explanations will be wanted. The only
problem
is this, can Lou survive long enough to answer their questions? I hope
so.
I can’t loose her, now when I’ve just found her.
May 15,
We’re camped a couple hours away from Bogg’s ranch and will go in at
dawn.
I can’t imagine what Lou must be going through and can only hope she’s
okay.
The boys have been looking at me funny since we bedded down but I can’t
explain
it to them. I won’t reveal my weakness, especially when to do so would
jeopardize
the woman I love. Hold on Lou I’ll be there soon. I can only imagine
she’s
still alive or my guts get twisted. I feel I’ve let her down by not
being
there for her. I should have come with her, maybe I could have
protected
her. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, for now I’d best sign off before
the
others get too suspicious.
May 16,
Lou’s face is badly bruised and she had that haunted look in her eyes
as
we dropped off the children at the orphanage with a promise from Lou
that
she’ll come visit them soon. I could have laughed this morning when
Jimmy
clued in what Lou was saying to her father. But now I worry, what will
happen
to her? Will they reveal her secret? Lou may be stronger than any woman
I’ve
ever met but she still needs friends and family and I’ve come to think
of
the others as both friends and family. However much I might care for
them,
I must protect her no matter how much it hurts me to turn my back on
the
others.
I will back her to the death, and regardless of how much it appears
that
the others are shocked, I can’t trust that they won’t destroy her
tenuous
hold on her future.
We now realize just how much we’ve all come to care about each other. I
was
surprised pleasantly of course, that the others promised not to tell on
her.
Of course now they know it explains a lot of the little things so
they’ve
backed off with the looks at us. Tonight when we rode in I stayed in
the
barn to brush Katy down, how could I not. I know Lou needs space and
she’ll
come to me when the time’s right.
When she came to me as the sun was setting with tears of relief in her
eyes,
I could have crushed her in my arms I was so happy for her. I know that
there
will be troubles, trials and tribulations but I also know that no
matter
what, family will stick together and that I love her completely. I’ve
never
been so sure of anything in my life, she cares for me and in time she
may
love me with the same devotion I have for her. It is one of those
things
that just gives my heart wings. I can admit to myself freely without
hesitation
that I LOVE LOUISE MCCLOUD!!
Sniffling she quickly scanned a few pages until she found the date she
was
looking for, the love that flowed from the pages gave her hope that no
matter
what, he hadn’t stopped loving her even when she had let her stubborn
pride
come between them.
Carefully closing the book she glanced down quickly when a page fell
out.
Picking it up she realized it was a letter written in his handwriting.
Unfolding
the document quickly she squinted in the fading light. Taking care she
headed
downstairs to her bedroom and closed the door. Lighting a lamp, she
ignored
the electrical lights and settled on the edge of the bed to read the
letter
she held.
Dear Louise;
I know that in my heart I’ve wounded you by pretending to be
indifferent.
I was scared to let you know how much I still loved you. I couldn’t
tell
you I realized I’d made a mistake with Samantha, I let my pride get in
the
way. I can only hope that someday you’ll forgive me for the heartache
I’ve
caused you. I know I made you feel that I wanted you tochange, and that
isn’t
true. I didn’t want you to change, I wanted you to need me the way I
needed
you. You’ve always been so strong, so capable of living life on your
terms,
I guess I wanted you to want me with the same desire you had for your
independence.
Please know my love that I still love you, I’ll never love anyone else
and
that I want you to be happy no matter what. If you can’t be happy with
me,
then I want you to know that your happiness means everything and while
I
couldn’t stand to watch you make a life with another, I’d always be
there
for you.
Love Kid
Folding the paper she tucked it back into the journal and opened it
again.
Flipping through the pages she scanned them until she found the entry
she
hoped to find.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate
myself right now. I’ve hurt the one person in the world whom I never
wanted
to hurt. I can only hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive
me
in time. Going with Samantha was definitely not the smartest move I’ve
ever
done, and for that I will always suffer. I can’t bring myself to
confess
that I broke things off with her, I do have my pride.
I can only hope that I can forgive myself, then I can beg
for Louise’s forgiveness. When she refused my proposal this last time,
I
began to doubt that her feelings were as deeply committed as mine. I
now
realize that no other woman would or could hold my heart the way she
does.
I would gladly take a day with Louise, instead of a lifetime with
another.
She is my whole world and I have to prove that to her no matter what
the
cost.
Until I can though, I’ll just work on getting her to confide
in me again. I miss my friend, more than I miss my lover.
Smiling through her tears, she could hear her children and
grandchildren
moving about the house and turned the remaining pages until she came
across
a familiar name of the girl that Kid had promised to send for.
September 1860
I have always wondered why I never sent for Dorothea, now I know. I
couldn’t
send for her when I didn’t love her. Seeing her next to Louise has
opened
my eyes, I would never have made a foolish promise to her had I known
that
I would meet the one woman who could stir not only my blood, but my
heart
as well. Dorothea was a childhood sweetheart who I made into something
more
because she’d been there for me so much. But in all fairness I can’t
say
that what I felt for her would have been any more than just a passing
fancy.
Today after we buried her I went to my special thinking spot. I
wondered
if there was something that I could have done differently, something
that
would have altered my fate and found that there was nothing. She is a
part
of my past the same as Jed, but Louise is my future. When Lou came to
talk
to me this afternoon I felt my heart heal a little. Maybe there is
hope,
perhaps I could have a life with my beloved. I can only hope that she
will
understand what I’m saying now.
I think I needed some time to realize that I wasn’t my brother, nor was
I
my father. I can’t change the past, but I sure can plan my future and I
won’t
give up on us. I love Louise McCloud too much for that.
Scanning the pages quickly she paused when she came across the first
Christmas
entry from 1860.
December 24, 1860
This is the first Christmas I’m spending with Louise and the boys. I
have
no way of expressing how much this means to me, so I won’t even try.
I’ve
hidden their gifts so carefully, choosing something that I hope
reflects
their meaning to me. I can only hope that Louise likes the locket I
chose
for her, I have no idea when she will ever where it, but the minute I
saw
the intricately carved ivory I knew it was her. I’ve also bought her a
lovely
green dress that I had to pick up in Denver, it was made especially for
her
and no matter whether she wears it but once, the thought of the
delicate
material touching her skin was well worth the purchase. Now that her
hair
is a little longer, and her persona of a man is fading a little more
each
day around us she’s more willing to express herself by wearing fancy
dresses
and doing her hair. I’m glad for that, for she is truly a beautiful
woman.
Everyone is sleeping at the moment and yet I can not rest, I have a
gift
for everyone that I hope will show how much I love them. I can not hold
it
against anyone the fact that I have made mistakes, and yet I know this
is
the first Christmas that I have felt part of a family, part of
something
bigger than myself.
I want to wake Lou and go for a walk in the gently falling snow, but
she
had a long run today and needs to sleep. I sit and watch the falling
flakes
and wonder if she would dance with me in their falling silent cloak,
there
is no one about and I have a feeling that the boys wouldn’t even wake
if
I were to offer her a chance to dance through the cleansing flakes.
Lou closed her eyes at the thought, her mind drifting back to the
gentle
touch upon her cheek. She’d opened her eyes to meet the warm blue gaze
of
the man who she loved.
“What time is it?” She whispered noting the others still sleeping.
“Long after midnight.” Kid whispered back. “Come with me.”
“Kid it’s too cold to go traipsing to the barn.” She protested with a
smile.
“It’s snowing. Come dance with me.” Kid wrapped her in a couple of
blankets
and led her outside. He waited patiently for her to step into her boots
before
offering his hand to help her down the steps. The lantern he’d picked
up
sitting on the stoop as he bowed to her with a grin.
“May I have the pleasure Madam?” Kid said using his best gentleman’s
accent.
“You may sir. With pleasure.” Lou laughed as he pulled her into his
arms.
Despite the chill, she’d enjoyed the waltz across the yard. Their
booted
feet making tracks in the virgin snow as they danced in the darkness.
She
remembered the way he’d pulled her close to him to help ward off any
chill,
and they’d swirled and twirled around the yard, the snowflakes catching
in
their lashes, and on their hair and shoulders as they danced to a
silent
band.
Tired, laughing at Kid’s romantic gesture Lou leaned her forehead
against
his chest, “Thank you sir.” She smiled at him as he tipped her chin up.
“No Miss thank you.” Kid dropped a quick kiss on her lips. “Another
dance
before we retire for the evening?”
“Indeed.” Laughing Lou pulled her blankets around her a little tighter
and
stared into the laughing blue eyes of the man who held her as they
danced
past the lantern again and again. She saw the love and desire reflected
in
his blue eyes.
They’d both jumped when they’d heard the door to the bunkhouse open and
turned
to face a very sleepy looking James Butler Hickok.
“Do you two have to?” Jimmy grumbled as he hurried to the outhouse,
leaving
them laughing in his wake. He turned at the door and stared as they
continued
with their waltz across the yard, hardly noticing him. Shaking his head
he
grinned and stepped inside to do what he’d come out for.
The next morning the bunkhouse had come alive much to the dismay of Kid
and
Lou who grumbled about needing some sleep. Jimmy grinned at Cody and
Buck’s
curious frowns.
“They spent the night dancing.” Jimmy explained.
“And how would you know that?” Cody asked quickly, his mind wandering.
“Because I caught ‘em waltzing up a storm in the yard.” Jimmy shrugged.
“It
snowed last night.”
Shaking her head, she brought herself back to the present and the
journal
that had slid into her lap. Picking it up she squinted her old eyes and
continued
to read.
December 25 1860,
Today was one of the best in my life. The only day that was better than
this
one is the day that I finally told Lou how I felt about her, and she
confessed
her feelings about me. Everyone laughed and joked and talked the day
away
as they stepped out into the snow. It stopped snowing shortly before
Lou
and I had come in last night, and our tracks were all over the yard.
Boy
did the guys have fun teasing us, but it doesn’t matter. I’m happy and
so
is Louise. That’s what counts. Merry Christmas my love, I only hope
next
Christmas is more joyful.
Smiling sadly, she shook her head, the next few Christmases had indeed
been
nothing short of torture. She’d suffered in silence when he’d gone to
fight
in the war, she’d prayed for his return and watch tearfully as a friend
and
father figure had been laid to rest. That had been a sad day, but it
had
also been a joyous one for her.
Her husband had returned within two days of Teaspoon’s funeral, a
little
weary, and a lot more scarred but still the man she loved. That
Christmas
had been the first of many that were filled with joy, love and
laughter.
That year she’d given Kid a son for a Christmas present. From then on,
they’d
been inseparable. In fact she could hardly remember a time when he
wasn’t
close by. No matter what she’d always felt safe with him around.
Glancing down she noted there were several blank pages before a final
entry
had been written.
September 12, 1861
Today was the first day of the rest of my life. Louise and I became man
and
wife in front of our family and friends. I have no way of knowing the
future,
but I do know this we’ve worked through some hard times, some painful
episodes
in our lives caused by pride and anger, and we’ve come out stronger. I
have
no doubts about our future, we may have storms but we can weather them
and
come out even stronger. For this I’m grateful.
I don’t know how to say I love you any other way, so I will have to
show
her. Someday she may read what I’ve written and I hope she understands
that
throughout our stormy beginning there was one constant. Love. Love of
family,
friends and mostly love for her. She is my world and if I should leave
this
world before her, I will wait for her to join me. Heaven can’t beat
what
I have when I look into my wife’s eyes and see the love and hope
reflected
there.
I have but one more gift for my beloved, I know everyone has always
wondered
what my name is, its very simple Kidden Davis. I have not interest in
my
father’s legacy so I have willingly adopted McCloud as my name with a
grateful
heart. All my love Louise. Forever.
Closing her eyes, Louise McCloud let the journal slip from her fingers
to
land with a soft thud. A soft smile flitted briefly across her face
even
as a shadow danced across the bedroom wall.
Knocking on the door didn’t stir her even as the door was pushed open
to
reveal a dark haired beauty with clear blue eyes. Rachel McCloud felt
the tears come as she gazed at her mother, she’d always been told that
they
didn’t leave the other alone too long. A quick check of vital signs
confirmed
what Rachel had suspected, her mother had gone to gone her father.
“Cody! Better call Doc Hunter.” She called to her brother as she eased
her
mother into a more comfortable position.
Lou stood in the moonlight and gazed across the yard at the familiar
figures
she’d remembered from her past. Smiling she walked toward them pausing
when
she saw the twinkle in the bluest eyes she’d ever seen. “I told you I’d
wait
for you.” The familiar baritone drew a chuckle from her.
“That you did my love. That you did.” Lou felt the familiar arms wrap
around
her as they turned to see the horses saddled under the moon.
“Lets go home.” Buck’s voice drew a smile from her. “Teaspoon swore we
better
not be late or he was gonna have us fixing fence for a week.”
The soft laughter of the group echoed on the wind even as a set of
headlights
came around the corner.
The End
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