Sitting in the darkened bedroom Sara and he had shared for many years Ike stared at the wall, his shoulders shaking with soundless sobs as he sat in the rocking chair that she’d rocked their children to sleep in so many years before. The familiar creaking and groaning of the aged wood filled the room as he silently cursed fate offering a cold, icy comfort that did little to ease the pain in his soul.

Without moving he turned his head to stare out the window at the black-blue star studded sky that had so often filtered through into their bedroom, the only witness to the nights of passion that had marked their marriage before the loss of their first child and the nights after his return from the war.

Hearing movement outside the bedroom door he closed his eyes, hoping that whomever was outside would just leave him be with his sorrow. When the soft knock echoed throughout the room he cursed and rose to move to the window as the door opened.

“Ike?” The familiar voice of one of his oldest friends, his sister had him tensing but he refused to turn and face her.

Moving into the room Louise glanced around uneasily, she’d only been in this room once, when Ike’s daughter Caroline had called her to come over to help Sara. “Ike? Look I know this is hard..” Louise started, she’d been there when Kid had died a year before after an unsuccessful battle with pneumonia and she knew that Ike was devastated by his loss.

*I’d really like to be alone.* Ike signed furiously before turning away from her.

“Look, I lost Kid last year, I know how easy it is to sink deeper into the despair and destructive power of that grief. We all understand your pain, we grieve along with you. Sara was my friend, my sister, I loved her dearly Ike. Don’t shut us out.” Louise spoke softly, a desperate need to make Ike understand that she was there for him. “If you need us, we’re all just downstairs.”

Ignoring Lou’s statement Ike waited until the door closed quietly before he moved to the double bed that he’d spent so many nights with Sara in, the bed where his children had been both conceived and born, where in the unconditional love of his wife he’d been reborn. Laying down on the bed Ike curled into a ball and slowly cried himself to sleep, his hand reaching for the now empty side of the bed.

The first rays of sunlight drifted through the bedroom window, laying its blanket of warmth on Ike’s sleeping figure. With the golden warmth as a witness Ike rolled from the bed, and moved to reclaim his seat in the rocker to stare out the window uncaring of the view. Setting the rocker into motion he closed his eyes and let his mind wander back t o the days of their marriage.

Opening his eyes he glanced over at the dresser where the tintype from their second wedding sat. Sara was dressed in her favorite dress, a pretty blue floral print that flowed past her toes, a happy smile on her face and laughter in her eyes as she stood next to him, her long hair blowing in the breeze.

That day had been one of the happiest of his life, he’d been back from the war for a year and the pain and unhappiness of the days leading up to his signing up to fight had been worked through, and put behind them. They’d exchanged vows under the trees in front of Kid and Lou with the two babies present, the only thing missing had been Buck’s presence but he’d pushed it to the back of his mind. Now, looking back on that day Ike fresh a fresh wave of pain, he’d been so happy for a lifetime now he was faced with living without her.

Now some sixty years after that day, he was once more alone. Unsheltered from life’s harshness as he waited for his family to come home, his children to answer the wires, the phone calls that told of their mother’s death after over eighty years of life and four children.

Moving to the window he traced a hand across the glass, the icy bite hardly noticed as he stared out at the freshly falling snow that marked the early winter storms that would curl around the house. Sara had always loved the snow, he could remember many times when they’d had often gone for long walks, taking a couple of blankets and a canteen of hot chocolate as they walked through the first snows.

He hadn’t really felt the cold since the day he’d ridden back from the war to find his wife still on the porch of the cabin they called home. Despite the temperature, the weather he’d been blessed with warmth every year, many times over. Children, friends, family had all come to this place, followed quickly by the love that had began so many years before when a silent boy had jumped into the fray of a group beating on a half-blood.

The return of Buck had helped to ease the painful memories that had haunted him, and now not even the other man’s presence could ease the pain that clung to him. Like some malicious creature that dug it’s claws into his flesh, the misery and pain of losing the other half of his soul haunted him.

He’d could clearly remember that single moment when he’d been roused from the half dormant state he’d lived in as a youth. Not yet a man, and not a boy anymore he hadn’t really be alive yet, he hadn’t experienced life in its glory yet. He’d been given life the first time he’d been blessed with Sara’s smile. He’d been given immortality with the birth of his son Hunter, he’d been given so much with the love of his wife.

How could he face living day to day without her? There were so many memories, memories of mornings at the breakfast table, the easy way she worked with him in the fields, on horseback. The nights they’d held each other and eased the pain of loss, eased the burning of desire that even after many years of marriage hadn’t lessened.

Tracing a hand over the furniture he sighed and shuffled toward the bedroom door. Something within him called to his soul and he made his way outside unnoticed to the front porch swing Caroline’s eldest son had hung several years before.

Sitting in it he set the swing into motion and stared at the rose bushes that lay buried in snow. Like barren skeletons of some poor animal the plants rose from the snow reminding Ike of the pain he felt, of his recent loss. In a couple of days everyone would be home again and he’d be surrounded by the family he’d created, he’d fought for, he’d lived for and yet the thought could ease the loneliness that seemed to settle over him like a worn old blanket. Offering in it isn’t misery some semblance of comfort to him.

Hearing movement he glanced up and sighed, just like so many times in his childhood, the quiet presence beside him showed just how wrong he could be to assume he was alone.

“Figured you’d be out here.” Buck’s voice was weakened with age although the softness, the life that flowed from his tones was still evident. “You need anything.”

*My wife.* Ike signed and turned back to stare at the blanket of snow. He could see the footprints that told of someone caring for the stock, hear the motors of the infernal vehicles as they approached and suddenly he wished it would all go away. Suddenly he wished that he was back where he and Sara were just getting to know each other, when the most important thing for them was completing a run. * I miss her.* The words were filled with pain, silent tears streaking down his face as he stared down the road to where a lumbering can could be seen coming toward them.

“I know.” Buck sat next to Ike on the swing and rocked gently in the crisp winter air. “Its funny really, we’ve seen so much, been through so much in this life. We’ve come so far to. Started off as misfits, orphans that went to work for the express expecting anything but what we got. We became a family there, we found love, acceptance, our futures.” He glanced at Ike who nodded slightly at his words. “We experience the highs of life and the lows of death.” He sighed at the mention of the loss of some of their dearest friends. They’d lost many, first Noah had been killed in an accident back in 1875, then Jimmy a couple of years later, then Teaspoon at the turn of the century. Ten years later Rachel had died, followed by Cody, and the last being Kid and Sara.

He didn’t count children lost or gained, that was a different pain, one reserved for those quiet nights when the pain wouldn’t go away. For Ike that pain was harsher than anyone, he’d lost so much in his life, one family only to gain another, a child, only to gain more and through it all there’d been a quiet strength about him, only now that strength was failing. Watching the car stop by the gate to the front yard Buck sighed as the doors opened and Sam Hunter stepped out with his wife Louisa.

“Hi Uncle Buck.” The couple approached and paused as they spotted Ike. “Hi Uncle Ike.”

“Pappa.” The woman approached the aging bald man and knelt before him, tears in her eyes as she put her hands on his in his lap. “How are you Pappa?”

Ike shrugged and glanced away as fresh tears danced in his eyes, Louisa was his youngest grandchild, and even she was getting older. *Where’s Sara and Ethan?*

“They’re coming.” Louisa whispered of her two children. “They’re riding in with the Millers.”

“Perhaps we should go in. It’s quite chilly out here.” Sam said and watched Ike shudder as though someone had struck him.

*No colder than inside.* Ike signed and returned his attention to the rose bushes that sat dormant, waiting for spring before they’d bloom again.

“Perhaps.” Buck said and smiled at the youngsters who had started inside. “But if we don’t go in, they’ll get Lou out here.”

*I’ll be in shortly.* Ike signed. *I’m just going for a short walk.* Shuffling to the steps he headed across the yard to the barn, he wanted, needed to be alone in his misery. He’d never been forced to do something so hard as letting go like this and it was harder than anything he’d ever done. Harder than watching his wife bear his children, harder than watching the years of hard work and children age her, harder than listening to her rant at him over something.

Stepping inside the barn he moved down the stalls to the last one that remained empty no matter what. This stall was reserved for one horse, one that had died years ago and Sara’d never replaced him. Leaning on the freshly painted wall of the stall Ike stared into the fragrant hay and blinked away the tears as he sank slowly to the ground and let the tears come.

Like a dam that bursts once released his grief was all consuming until he couldn’t control the pain as it washed over him. Feeling like his heart was being shredded Ike cried there in the softness of the hay, his shoulders heaving under his grief as he struggled with the pain of loss. He cried until the tears had run out, until he felt only a numb sensation all over as he sat there and clung to his memories.

“Ike?” Lou’s soft voice had him closing his eyes in frustration a moment before her head appeared at the stall door. “Ike come inside.”

*I don’t want to.* Ike sighed, he sounded like a petulant child.

“I know.” Lou smiled sadly. “But you have to.”

Rising Ike stared at her carefully, noting the shadows beneath her eyes, the pain that still sat about her shoulders weighing them down as she moved. She’d long since given in to her age, she’d surrendered a year ago when they’d buried Kid, and each day was a little more painful than the last.

*I don’t want to let her go.* Ike confessed as he walked back with her to the house. *I don’t want to lose her again.*

“You haven’t lost her.” Lou whispered tearfully. “Just as I haven’t lost Kid. No matter what Ike, you will be with her again. As long as you hold her memory in your heart she’s never really going to be gone.”

Spotting a few more cars in the yard Ike sighed. *Is everyone here?*

“Yes.” Lou nodded. “Everyone’s arrived. The kids, grandchildren, the great grandchildren. I think even those that we’ve lost are here.”

Smiling at his tiny friend Ike hugged her as hard as his old body would allow and glanced up on the hill that marked the resting place for so many. A tombstone sat for everyone who’d been lost dotting the hillside under that stand of trees. The rough crosses had been replaced by stone, the plots lovingly tended. A fresh grave had been dug and tomorrow afternoon another soul would be laid to rest there. One more headstone would sit there next to the family that had come before the dynasty they’d created.

Maybe Louise and Buck were right, perhaps they had managed to come a far piece. From the silent, belligerent child that terrorized kids at the mission school to a brother, a friend, a husband and father? He had accomplished something in this life, he could stand here and say this is mine. This is what I’ve made in my life, from my children to the acres and acres of land that teem with life. This is who I am.

“Ike?” Lou paused and watched him staring at the grave that had been dug this morning. “Come inside. Warm yourself by the fire.”

Smiling through his pain Ike turned to face her and nodded. *I’m already warm Louise.* Stepping carefully up the snowy steps he followed her inside into the warmth of the love and laughter of his family. Despite his pain, despite his loss he wasn’t alone and his wife would always be with him. Letting go didn’t mean he forgot her, it meant he’d just have to be patient and wait someday soon he’d see her again. In the meantime it was okay to cry, to feel the pain of loss. It made him who he was.

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