Sitting in the darkened bedroom of the newly renovated home I share with my son, my brother and sister and her husband, I stare at the tintype in my hand and feel my heart break all over again as I traced the features of the young man in the picture. An old finger traces the contours of a familiar face years ago I’d let him slip through my fingers, let fear rule me and I’ve paid dearly for it. One morning I’d awakened to see his bunk empty, the bedding smoothed out neatly, his trunk the only sign of his life open and empty as I crawled from my bunk. Staring into the wooden box my world seemed to shatter around me, crashing down on me like a tidal wave as I realized he’d left for good. Ignoring everyone I poured a cup of coffee and drank about half of it before I rose to head for the barn. Standing in the cool interior of the barn I stared at the empty stall that housed his beloved horse and had to bite my lip to stop the tears. Retreating from everyone I rode out just after breakfast, headed to that spot that was ours where I’d often followed him to talk, under the shade of several tall poplar trees by the fast running stream that beckoned to me with it’s cool depths. Sitting there that summer morning I stared into the clear water and in my heart I saw the bluest eyes I’d ever seen reflecting the love that he’d had for me. How could I be so foolish as to let him go? How could I drive him away from me without a thought to what I would be losing? Slowly I let go and allowed the tears to fall, silent and plentiful as I cried for the lost chances, for the broken dreams and hopes that I’d crushed before they’d ever even been born. Sitting there I cried silently, uncaring of the tears leaving a silver trail down my face. Late in the morning I rose and mounted the leggy black I’d taken to since joining the express and turned her west, away from the others, from the pain of his departure, away from my own anger at myself and the guilt that I carried. Kicking her into a gallop I raced over the hard ground, trying to outrun my sorrow, my heartbreak only to find that it shadowed me like the warm sun that beat down on us. Finally stopping when my horse stumbled I dismounted and made camp under a rocky ledge where I sat silently, sullenly staring into the flames as I tried to think of where he might have gone, what I could say that would bring him back to me, and knowing that I couldn’t do that. I had made his decision for him that warm spring day in the barn when I turned away from his marriage proposal, from the future he offered without expectations, without the boundaries that I knew would be imposed upon a woman in a man’s world. Staring into the flames that night I wished suddenly that I could curl up into a little ball and die, that my nightmare of his leaving would disappear with the coming of the dawn and yet I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t. Falling into an uneasy sleep I dreamt of the first time we made love, the laughter, the support he’d offered, his kind and caring attitude that he’d carried for me from the first moment that we’d been together. With dawn’s early glow I woke and mounted up before heading for Missouri, if I knew anything it was that he’d more than likely gone home to Virginia, but something called me toward Missouri, toward the orphanage I’d run from, in the first of many steps to where I stood now. Sitting on Lightening I stared out over the ground and closed my eyes against the fresh wave of pain that rolled over my body, tightening the grip on my reins I tried to still the quaking in my fingers until my horse nickered in protest. “Easy.” The soft sound drew a shudder from me as I urged my tired mount forward. Stopping to make camp I glanced around as something told me I wasn’t alone and noticed a familiar looking pony coming toward me with an even more familiar rider. Shaking my head at his foolishness I waited for him to come to me. That evening I learned more about the man that I’d lived with, fought with than I’d ever thought possible, but it didn’t ease the ache in my chest, nor did it erase the desperate need I had to feel another man’s touch, see the look in the blue eyes that I longed to have looking at me over the campfire. With dawn’s arrival I’d ridden out alone again, leaving my friend behind. I felt no guilt over it, no loss at the turning away from him, after all how could I feel anything when my heart was gone. It had taken a week to get to Saint Joe where I’d collected my brother and sister and we’d moved to Arizona, my heart aching with each mile that I put behind us. The only blessing that I received when we arrived here at the end of our journey was the discovery of the babe I carried beneath my heart. My son was born seven months later, his eyes a crystal blue, his hair a curly mass atop his head. Watching him grow I had to smile, he was his father’s son, bullheaded, stubborn, always wanting to do things his way. Over the years watching him grow into the man I knew he’d become I fell in love with his father all over again, reminded of the idealistic young man who’d in many ways been older and yet so much more innocent than the rest of us. From time to time I’d receive a letter from one of the others and it would darken my days for a while until I could bring myself to write back until I just stopped answering the letters after I received word that he’d been killed during a storm on the ranch he’d founded. Sending a wire to the ranch’s foreman I sent Jeremiah to Virginia to retrieve Katy, and the three foals she’d had after the war, then I built a legacy based on that single moment in my life that marked my becoming a woman, that night at Redfern, when I had made the choice to allow my heart to make my decisions for me. I gave my son Katy’s newest foal to raise and watched him train her to be a beautiful mount, willing and eager to do whatever it took to get the job done. Now as I sit here staring at this tintype I feel my heart breaking all over again, the old pain returning with the force of a .45 slug, dragging me into the years of lonely nights, crying myself to sleep to dream instead of the joy that I’d experienced in his arms. Hearing hoof beats I rise to walk to the window and stare out into the gathering darkness, the familiar spotted horse and rider so like his father that I am reminder of happier days, of times of love, laughter, joy, and youthful indulgence. Once again in my mind I am back watching him ride up, lost in the memories of our love from so many years before, I am home, with the feelings of his strong arms wrapped around me and his warm breath on my face. Closing my eyes I savor the warmth and love that for so many years has filled my dreams at night and feel the joy of being with him again. Feeling someone behind me I turn and for the first time in many years I am looking into the familiar face of the only man I’ve loved, the only man whom I’ve ever given myself to and see only love, acceptance and the forgiveness that I’ve longed to have since that summer day so many years ago. Breathing his name I move into his arms and let the tears come, flowing in silver trails down my cheeks as he pulls me close to him and I breath in the unique scent that is his. Standing in my memories, in my deepest dreams I sigh, and finally accept the truth, except that he didn’t walk way from me, anymore than I walked away from him. In truth we both walked away from our love rather than hurt each other any more than we already had. Email Destardi HOME