"I'm ready to talk" I'd told Kid. "Then I'm ready to listen" he'd answered.
I'd thought I'd made up my mind for sure, and Rachel had gone to town so we could have her parlor to ourselves; but in the time it took to walk home, I was having second thoughts. What good would it do to tell him? It would only upset him or worse… nothing would change the past, make it go away. Why put this on his shoulders as well as mine? As the seconds ticked away on Rachel's grandfather clock, the two of us sat there awkwardly.
Finally, Kid broke the silence, clearing his throat. "Lou."
I dragged my eyes up from my hands and faced him.
His face and voice were kind, as always. "I know you wanted to talk to me about something. I'm getting the idea it's… it's something you're afraid I don't want to hear."
I nodded, tears welling up and spilling down. Angry at myself, I smeared them away with the edge of my sleeve.
Kid's face was a mixture of emotions flickering across his face like firelight. Most of them, I couldn't quite read. I started babbling. "Kid, there's …. there's so much about me you don't know. I wanted to tell you so many times. It's … hard for me to trust my secrets to anybody. I've worked really hard to … to be strong, or at least look like I am. I don't know. This is so hard," I trailed off lamely.
Sympathy and … can it be … guilt? flashed across his face. Not what I expected. "Kid?" I ventured, timidly. "What is it?"
"I have my share of secrets too, Lou. Would it help you to trust me with your secret … if I trusted you with mine?"
I nodded, mesmerized. I'd never pressed him for any details about his past. I guess I'd been afraid he'd ask for details from me if I did. That was the last thing I wanted, until now.
"Which one of us goes first?" he smiled. "You?"
I forced a weak smile. "Oh no you don't, I won't fall for that old gag. You first". He laughed, then sobered quickly, his face so grave that I was a little frightened. What could be that bad? His hands reached out and gripped mine, as he finally told me his story.
"I should have told you this a long time ago. I'm trusting you that if I tell you this, it won't come between us," he started, slowly.
"Of course it won't, Kid! Nothing from the past could," I assured him. "But it's better that we know everything there is to know about each other, good or bad."
"Yes, I know. But this was something you had a right to know, and I'm sorry I kept it from you."
He drew a deep breath. "There's a reason I had to borrow money from Doritha and run away from Virginia. And, why I don't use my real name. Why I can't ever use my real name."
"What is it, Kid?" I asked, even more frightened now.
"Because I'm a wanted man in Virginia. For murder and jail-breaking," he blurted, all in one breath.
Shocked, I gasped out, "But, Kid, you're innocent, I know - - "
"No, Lou," he interrupted. "The law says I'm not, but I hope when you hear the story you'll understand why I done what I done".
In the silence while I waited for Kid to start his story, Rachel's clock struck eleven o'clock. The brassy chimes, eleven of them, rattled my already worn nerves as Kid sat, staring down at my hands, waiting for quiet so he could talk. Finally, the final clanging chime faded away and, after another agonizing pause, Kid started. "My pa ran off and left us when I was about eight and Jed was about thirteen. I was glad when Pa left… less said about him the better. Jed was a handful, and Ma couldn't handle him. Jed ran off not long after. I had a younger sister too, Martha Jane, three years younger than me. The two of us helped our Ma on the farm, and we were doing all right without Jed and my pa. It was hard work, but we didn't mind. I quit school to work our two acres. Martha quit too, and helped our ma in the garden and the house."
He wasn't looking up at me, but rather down at our hands. For a moment he watched his big palms balancing my smaller hands, curling his fingers around mine absently. Then he went on, "Our fifteen acres were smack between two big tobacco plantations. They were owned by the two richest families in our County, the Campbells and the Butlers. They ran most everything in our county. Our family was … a nuisance to them. They thought because we were poor, we were trash. Many's the time they tried to get my ma to sell our plot of land to them. The Butlers' son was supposed to marry the Campbells' daughter and run the two plantations together someday, and our little farm was in their way. Ma... Well, Ma was headstrong. Little, and a real proper lady even if she was poor, but stubborn. She wouldn't sell that farm, it had been her pa's and his pa's before him. She just wouldn't give in, no matter what they threatened or promised her."
Kid looked up at me then, fondly, and pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear, smiling. "You remind me of her sometimes." His smile vanished and his eyes dropped again. "She thought she could stand up to the world, just like you. She tried real hard to do it, too. But … she came to grief in the end. There are men in this world who don't take it kindly when a woman tries to hold her own."
For once, I didn't splutter angrily at him that I can take care of myself, thank you very much… Kid was too upset, and I was tired of trying so hard to seem tough. I waited for him to go on, squeezing his hand encouragingly.
"The spring I turned 15, and Martha Jane was 12, I was out in the fields. It was getting late in the morning, and ma always sent Martha Jane out with a bucket of vinegar water around mid-morning for me. She didn't that day… the sun was almost overhead and no Martha Jane. I started to wonder, and when I saw the sun standing overhead, and she didn't come out with the dinner pail either, I stopped working and went on back to the house to see what was going on."
The words were coming slower and with more difficulty now. "When I came over the crest, I saw the Butlers' surrey and pair and some other horses that belonged to the Campbell boys, tied outside our house. I … thought they were probably there to talk about sellin' again. But as I came nearer, I heard my sister screamin'."
Kid stopped, then continued, haltingly. "I came runnin' down the crest… my rifle was right inside the lean-to door … I grabbed it on the way … kicked in the door and saw," his face crumples and he breaks down in my arms, crying against my shoulder. I pulled him close, aching for him. Between sobs I understood enough of the story …. the Campbell and Butler boys had raped his mother and sister … by the time he got to the house they'd killed his mother and beaten his little sister half unconscious.
For long minutes, I held him as he struggled for self control, whispering soothing nonsense words into his ear. His hands worked their way up my back, under my shirt, pulling me tightly, almost hurting me. He mumbled more, about how he wanted to keep me safe. How he'd failed his mother and sister, and was terrified he'd fail to protect me. I couldn't stop thinking how it must have hurt him all those times when I ran off, headlong into danger. I finally realized, he'd wanted to protect, not control me as I'd thought. And I had my reasons why I wanted to keep from being controlled, and took it the wrong way, running in the other direction. If only we'd known, I thought wryly. Finally, he was able to continue.
"I don't really remember what happened after I came in and saw … The next thing I remember, I was standing over them with a smoking rifle and a bloody axe. I'd killed the six of them, single handed, I don't know how. Martha Jane was crying in the corner. I got her cleaned up and we ran off. I knew I'd never get a fair trial in that County. I went to Doritha and asked for her help. Told her the name I'd be traveling under and we figured out a way I could get word to her without anyone knowing. Then Martha Jane and I hid out in the woods a few days hoping to sneak out of the County. I thought I'd send for Doritha later. She took a big chance for me… her family had money and was friends with the Campbells and Butlers, but she said she'd get some money for me and hide it in a hollow tree we knew about down by the river where we used to sneak off to swim. "
I swallowed my jealousy, thinking of Kid's and my times at the pond, but Kid saw my face and smiled. "I never went "dancing" at the river, or anywhere else, with Doritha, if that's what you're thinking. You were the first for me."
I looked down, ashamed. Kid knew I wasn't a virgin when we first slept together, but he never asked me for details… details I was about to have to give him, like it or not. I remembered that my turn to talk was still coming, and I didn't know if I had the courage for it, now that I knew about Kid's past. Briefly, I remembered what had happened when he found out Lambert had blacked my eye and knocked me out… what would he say or do when he knew that Wicks had done far worse to me?
Kid was still telling the rest of his story. "The Campbells and Butlers put together a search party. I was arrested and Martha Jane was sent to an orphanage in town. I went on trial, but I had no chance. Half the jury was related to the Campbells, the other half to the Butlers. Only men with property in the County could be jurors, and only those two families had property to speak of. Even the judge was a cousin of one of the men I killed, if you can believe it. They found me guilty of murder and sentenced me to hang. I would have hung, too, if I hadn't broken out of jail that night. I got Doritha's money and lit out of town, headed west."
"Doritha sent word a few months later that Martha Jane had been adopted by a family and moved to Missouri. I haven't heard anything about her since…. I can't get any information from the orphanage, since it's run by the Campbell family. So I just hope she's all right, wherever she is. She was a lot like you too. It struck me when I first found out you were a girl. She was a tomboy, loved to ride and hunt and fish, and could hold her own with all the boys. When we first met, before I started to care as much as I did later on, I remembered how she was, how Ma was, and figured that you deserved a chance to make your own way. You weren't the first independent woman I'd run across."
I interrupted at that. "But then, after we fell for each other - - you started getting so protective, because of what happened to your mother and sister, is that it?"
Kid nodded. "So that's pretty much everything. I can't go back to using my real name, I never know when someone from the County might catch wind of it. It's been two years now, but I still look over my shoulder, though not as much as when I first came West. I just wanted to keep my head down and stay out of trouble when I first came here. Remember when Jimmy got mad about my shooting those bottles faster than he did?"
"Yes… he tried to face you down and you - well, you - -" I hesitated.
"I backed down. Not cause I was afraid; and Jimmy knew it. He asked me about it right after. I told him I didn't want any trouble or to hurt nobody. And that's the truth, Lou. I just want another chance to live my life, stay out of trouble, and not attract too much attention."
I teased him, "Good luck with that, the way you were dressed when you came here, Mr. Buckskins. They were so tight I could tell all the money you had was eighty-seven cents in change… I could count it through your pants."
"Was that all you were checking for?" he teased back. I was relieved the mood was lifted, for a moment anyway, as we giggled like a couple of kids. I rested my head on his shoulder and we sat leaned back on the settee, hands intertwined.
"So just out of curiosity, what the hell is your real name?"
"Well, I admit I'm not sorry to stop having to say and spell it. It was my ma's idea… she liked Greek Mythology, especially the poet Ovid, and came up with my name."
"Well?" I demanded.
"Metamorphoses Jehosephat Oakley," Kid muttered sheepishly.
"Meta what?"
He repeated it. I asked him to spell it. He spelled it. I mulled that one over. "So you're saying your name is Metamorphoses Oakley?" I asked one more time, clarifying. He nodded. I mulled it over a moment more before the two of us collapsed in more silly giggling, tears running down our faces.
"I think it's best … FOR YOUR SAFETY of course, when we get married if we go by Mr. and Mrs. Kid McCloud, don't you?" I managed to giggle. He stopped laughing and looked at me, smiling, a few inches from my face. "Oh really," he said. "I mean, if we get … I mean, if you want to ask again some day, and if I say yes when you do, that is," I stammered, flustered. He stopped me with a gentle kiss, and I shyly pushed my face back into his neck, his hands stroking my hair gently, mine fingering his sleeve absently. I sighed, wishing that we could end the conversation now, and stay here like this, forever. I'm exhausted from all this and we are only halfway through it. But he asked, "Are you ready for your turn now?" and I knew that I needed to finish it; it will make us stronger and understand each other better if we face the past together and sweep it away for good.
She breathed in deeply, that familiar pucker between her brown eyes, still clutching my hand. "Start at the beginning, Lou, we have plenty of time," I encouraged her.
Lou nodded numbly. "It starts really with my ma and pa… she left him because she couldn't live with what he had become. A criminal, a crooked businessman. She went back to using her maiden name and changed all our names too. We went on the run, but the hard work and strain was too much for her. She got sick and died, but before she did, she made me promise to look after my brother and sister and try to stay a family. It was so important to her. I was ten years old when we went to the orphanage, and all I could think of was how I'd find a way to get us out of there and find a real home for us. When I was eleven, I left the orphanage to find a way."
She crawled closer to me, and settled with her head on my shoulder, I think so she didn't have to look into my eyes. I placed my arms around her protectively. "Go on," I said hoarsely; hoping she couldn't hear the dread in my voice. Anything that upset her this badly, must be terrible and I didn't really want to hear it, except to help her get past it.
"I wandered around for a while, and found out that it isn't easy for a girl to find honest work that pays enough to even stay alive. By winter, I was just about starving , and actually begging on the street for change just to eat. Wicks saw me and gave me a half-dollar. Then he asked me if I wanted a job. I said, of course. He took me to a big house with a lot of ladies living there. He gave me a job doing the laundry, and my own room in the attic. I found out later it was a … a whorehouse, and I didn't think my mother would approve of me working there even in the laundry, but I just kept to myself and did my job. The ladies there were mostly hard and bitter and kind of mean… all except Charlotte. She was like a big sister to me. She never let that life change her… she was a very special person."
"Is that why you were so angry at Wicks? Because he hurt your friend?"
Lou shook her head. "That was a big part of it, but not all of it, by a long shot."
I swallowed hard, waiting for what I already knew was coming. I knew full well what men are capable of. That's why I always smothered her so much, to try to protect her from it, for all the good that did.
"Wicks came in to Charlotte's room one day when I was in there with her. She had given me a present for my birthday. He saw it and asked how old I was today. I said thirteen, and he said, well, happy birthday, Louise. Maybe I can come up later, and give you a present too.
"Charlotte snapped at me for the first time since I'd known her, and said, Louise, get out of here right NOW. Then she started undoing Wicks' buttons, really quickly. I … I guess she must have known what he had in mind and was trying to distract him."
I felt her trembling, heard it in her voice, and tightened my arms around her, saying nothing, but pressing my face against her forehead to support her.
"I was frightened when I saw Charlotte undressing Wicks, so I ran out and went up to my room. I … I had an idea something wasn't right. I locked the door behind me. But then I heard the key turning in the lock from the outside. Wicks came in - - Charlotte was holding on to him, begging him to leave me alone - - he slapped her across the face and shoved her into the hall - - and locked the door again. I could hear her outside banging on the door and screaming, trying to get in, but she couldn't. She ran down the stairs and tried to get someone to help, but none of the other women cared. She even ran to get the sheriff, but he was on Wicks' payroll too, so he wouldn't get involved."
"She started to cry weakly. "Oh, Kid… Kid, you must know what happened next. Please don't make me say the words." She started sobbing again.
The two of us stayed like that for what seemed like a long while, and I comforted her just as she had comforted me minutes before, when suddenly she sobbed out, "I wanted to tell you. I know you thought I was a whore when we slept together and I wasn't a virgin. But you were the only one I ever gave myself to."
I turned her head up, and told her, firmly, "I never thought you were a whore, Lou, never. I thought … I thought you might have been with someone else before, and I admit didn't want to ask you or think about it. But I never thought any less of you for it. Do you believe me?"
"Yes, Kid" she murmured, gratefully. "But aren't you glad just the same that … well, it was both our first times, really? I don't count what happened with Wicks as my first time, do you?"
"Of course not."
We lapsed into silence again, for several minutes. Strange how close I felt to her at that moment, closer really than ever before, even at Redfern. But at the same time I was battling down anger and hate for the man I'd failed to protect her from. If I'd known what he'd done I would have put a bullet between his eyes for Lou and gladly hung for it, but it was too late for that now. "I wish I hadn't stopped you from killing him," I said, my voice shaking. "I wish I had been able to stop it, somehow…" I trailed off, not knowing what words were enough to really express what I felt.
"There's more, Kid," she choked out. "I told Rachel what happened at Wicks' house, but, I've never told anybody what happened afterwards. God help me…" she sobbed into my chest.
"I had a baby. Wicks' baby. Nine months later."
"Her name is Bella. I kept her with me for as long as I could, but it was so hard making it on my own it with a baby … I was working places dressed as a boy to be safer, and told everyone the baby was my sister. I saw the advertisement for the Express and knew I'd never have an opportunity to make that much money that quickly again. So, I wrote to Sister Amelia at the orphanage, and she agreed to keep my Bella for a couple years while I got on my feet. I sent her with a friend to the orphanage, since I had to start right away. Jeremiah and Theresa don't know… Sister didn't want them to be told while they're still at the orphanage. The little ones are kept away from the bigger children at the orphanage anyway. But, Sister sends me word of all of them every couple of weeks, and you know I've been back at least once a month since I've started here, to see them. That's why I never wanted you to come along for the visits … because I didn't know how to explain to you what happened."
Kid's face was stricken with what I instantly recognized as pity - the last thing I wanted, but I suppose you can't blame him. I dropped my face in my hands and started crying again, hopelessly. After a moment, he turned my chin up again, making me look at him.
"Don't cry, honey."
I kept crying, and he wiped my face with a bandana. As I wound down, he asked, "were you afraid that I wouldn't accept your child if you told me? Lou, we'll manage, your brother and sister, your baby, whatever comes with you, I'm willing to take along with you, believe me. We'll find a way."
I looked at his open, honest face. His whole pure heart right there, easy to read as a book. He meant what he said, but he was promising his future as easily as that. I dropped my gaze, sickened at myself. How could I ask someone like this to sacrifice himself for me, for my obligations?
"I have no right to ask it of you," I barked gruffly, pushing his hands away and standing over him. "We're over, Kid. I'm sorry I told you."
The confusion on Kid's face was almost comical, if it were not so tragic. I've pushed him away before for his own good. But this time it was a lot harder. "I don't want you to help me, Kid. I want you to find a nice little virgin with a rich pa and go off and have your own children with her. Can you get me, or do I need to draw you a picture?"
I saw that he was speechless, and I turned around to storm out. At the door, I turned around, and snapped out, "And by the way, I don't need your help. I had almost enough saved up for my place, and with the money Charlotte left behind, I have plenty now. I'm going to go take care of my family. I don't need you." But my voice was quavering by the end of the tirade, and I could see he wasn't buying what I was trying to sell him.
"I know you don't need me, Lou," he said quietly.
I was paralyzed, thinking wildly that I should just walk out and stop this.
"The question is, don't you want me?"
I leaned my head against the door, my hand on the knob. "I want what's best for you," I answered weakly.
"Well, that would be you," he responded eagerly. "Lou, I'm begging you not to do this again. Don't keep running away from us. Don't let Wicks win. We love each other, Lou - -"
I was turning the doorknob as he spoke. "He already has won, Kid. Because of him, I'm not good enough for you. But I'm good enough to do what's best for you. I'm leaving as soon as I can get ready, to get the kids. I'm setting you free," I told him as I walked out Rachel's door into the blinding sun.
That night, while the others were sitting down for dinner, and Kid was sitting on his bunk silently watching me, I was busy packing up my trunk to be sent after me later. Rachel paused, uncertain, as she came around the table holding a pot of stew, to where Kid's and my places were set. Everyone was there for a change, including Teaspoon, except for Buck, out on a run.
"Are you two planning on joinin' us?" she attempted. I glanced at my own reflection in my mother's silver hand mirror in the trunk, and over at Kid's face across the room. The two of us looked like death warmed over. Kid answered, briefly, "no thanks, Rachel. Ain't hungry." I pushed the trunk lid down and turned the key in the lock. It took all my strength to keep from rushing across the room and into his arms. I knew how much he needed me, and that he was feeling as shaken up as I was right now. But I just couldn't get past feeling like I would be a burden to him in the end. "Me neither. Thanks, anyway Rachel," I muttered.
"Fer Pete's sake are you two going to start up fightin' again?," Cody started, before shoving an entire biscuit in his mouth. Chewing and talking at the same time, he continued, spraying a few crumbs, "the rest of us have better things to do than listen to your bickerin', ya know."
To my surprise, Kid stood up and yelled, louder than I think I'd ever heard him, for Cody to shut the hell up, advancing toward him and tossing the thinner boy off the chair and over to the floor at the same time.
All at once, the room erupted as the rest of the boys pulled the two apart. Jimmy and Teaspoon yelling at Kid, asking what was the matter with him, all talking at once. I was too tired, too heartsick to listen to them, and found myself picking up a large glass platter and flinging it at the wall, shattering it with an enormous crash. They all stopped, confused, and turned to me.
"Young lady -" Rachel started, before I interrupted. "I'm sorry Rachel. You can take it out of my last paycheck. I'll let you know where I'll be so you can send me the rest. I think it's best if I leave tomorrow. I'm … I'm sorry I'm not giving my notice first, but I think you'll be okay without me until you find someone else. The runs have been slowing up since the telegraph started moving west anyway."
Jimmy spoke angrily. "Yer leavin' just because the two of you had another fight? Is that it?"
"Not that it's any of your business" I snapped coldly, "but we ain't had any fight."
I walked up to the Kid and turned him toward me. His stricken face cut me to the quick, and I weakened for a minute, holding his face between my hands, not caring that they were all standing there watching. "I'm going away, because I took this job to make enough money, to start a new life for myself, and my family. I've done that, and it's time I got on with what I got to do."
Kid started to speak, and I shushed him, gently. "Kid, you've got your whole life ahead of you. You need to think, think hard about takin' on the responsibilities I've had to. I don't want you to wake up some day, a year, five years from now, and have you regret anything." My voice breaking, I choked out, "I love you too much to let you do anything you might regret later. I won't let you."
I turned away from him, exhausted, facing the rest of them - Cody, Buck, Jimmy, Noah, Teaspoon, Jesse. My family. My eyes flickered from one concerned face to the next. "I'm going to find a place to live. Maybe not too far from here, we'll see. But, first, I want to go to the orphanage and get my brother and sister… and -" my resolve faltered, but only for the moment. Telling Kid and Rachel had given me the strength to continue. I was through being ashamed of things I had no control over. Through hiding who I was. "And my daughter Bella."
All of them were talking at once. Rachel shushed them, and turned to me. "Louise, when did you have a daughter?"
I swallowed. The tears were streaming down my face, unheeded. "I had her when I was thirteen years old after … a man I worked for… beat me up and forced himself on me," I continue, shakily. "That's when I started dressing like a boy, not when I started this job. I … had her in an alley by myself in St. Louis. She… she's a strong little thing. A real fighter. I made do for the two of us best I could, shining shoes, doing errands and, well, begging for spare change in St. Louis for as long as I could after that, carrying her around with me."
Teaspoon, who had been standing at the head of the table, sat down heavily. His kindly eyes turned old and dull. He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it. Rachel was silently crying beside him. Jimmy looked as if someone had punched him in the stomach. The room was eerily quiet, except for my voice.
In spite of everything, Kid was still there for me too. He stood behind me, holding on to my shoulders, and, not able to help myself, I leaned back against him for a moment. "The hardest thing I ever had to do was send her to the orphanage for Sister Amelia to take care of, but I wanted to take this job so I could make enough to get a start for her and my brother and sister. My friend Charlotte left behind a lot of money, so I've got enough now. Sooner than I thought I would. So I'm going back to get them all now."
Kid spoke now, low, "Lou, you can bring them back here and you and I will work together to -"
I pulled away again. "Kid, this ain't your responsibility. I can't ask it of you. You're too young to sign up for a wife and three children who ain't even yours."
Cody spoke up at that. "Lord almighty, Kid," he murmured. "The girl's givin' you an out. TAKE it, willya?" Kid ignored him, keeping his eyes fixed on my face, with that stubborn, mule-headed look I knew only too well.
"I'm not losing you again, Lou. I'll wait, as long as it takes, for you to realize that we're meant to be together, no matter what."
I sighed, heavily. "I can't argue about it, Kid. I am going to get them and then I'll let you know where I am, but I can't promise you any more than that, do you understand? But I'm goin' by myself on the stage tomorrow, by MYSELF, do you hear me, and that's final."
In the end, we'd talked Lou into bringing the children back with her on the stage to stay at Rachel's until she got settled and Teaspoon had a chance to train another rider to take over for her. She'd keep working for the company until then. One step at a time, I'd figured. After Lou left on the stage, by herself as she'd insisted, I was haunted by a strange forbidding feeling. I wondered if she would run off with the children, despite my extorting a promise from her that she wouldn't. Somehow, I didn't think that was it. She hadn't really had a chance to make any plans, so she would probably just as well come back to Rachel's for the time being. Just the same, the nagging feeling at the back of my head that something bad was in the offing persisted. I shook it off and concentrated on covering chores for both me and Lou.
Buck was due back on his run from St. Joe by lunch time, but was a little late. He came in from his run when we were halfway done. He threw his hat and pack on his bunk, and turned, scanning the table as he approached. "Where's Lou?" he asked, looking worried.
"Kind of a long story, Buck. Pull up a chair and we'll tell you."
"It's important, Teaspoon. I got a letter here for her from the orphanage in St. Joe…. The envelope has a black edge." Buck held it out to Teaspoon, but I grabbed it from Buck's hand, and without thinking, ripped it open and read it. On seeing the contents, I dropped the letter on the table and ran out to the barn to saddle Katy and ride out for St. Joe.
The stage ride was a disaster… the stage driver stopped for a "quick drink" at our first stop, and got back on the driver's seat drunk as a lord. Next thing we knew, we were in a ditch with a broken wheel. It took half a day to get the stage out of the ditch and fix the wheel, and back on the road. Half a day later, we got stuck in a muddy road, and it seemed that everything that could happen to delay the ride, happened. It took over three days to pull in to St. Joe.
I staggered out of the stage, cursing the thought of having to return the same way with three children in tow. I was starving, and decided to stop briefly at the saloon for a quick sandwich before hiring a wagon to go out to the orphanage and collect Theresa, Jeremiah and Bella.
As the doors swung open before me, the noise and smoke of the saloon hit me. I shouldered my way through the crowd, reflecting that once I discarded my disguise, as a proper lady, I wouldn't be able to set foot in a place like this. While I certainly wouldn't miss the smoke, noise, and dancehall whores, I didn't appreciate the fact that I didn't have the right to come in a place if I felt like it. Once people know you're a woman, there's a lot of things you aren't allowed to do anymore. I sighed and ordered a sandwich to take with me.
As I sat at the bar, I heard a commotion behind me. In the saloon's long mirror behind the bar, I saw that a group of plainsmen had come in, surrounding a woman. She caught my eye because she was dressed in men's clothes, like I was; but the similarity ended there.
This pretty young woman wasn't in disguise, hiding in her men's clothes. To the contrary, she wore a skintight pair of pants and had a large dagger stuck in one boot. She wore Colts, gunslinger-style like Jimmy's, low on her slim hips, and a leather vest with a low-cut woman's cotton blouse under it. Her sandy blonde hair, long and curly, hung down her back, tied with a strip of rawhide. A long men's coat and cowboy hat topped off her remarkable outfit.
The other girl shoved her way up to the bar, ending up next to me. I found myself studying her… she was oddly familiar, but I couldn't imagine where I'd seen her before, or how I could have forgotten meeting her if I had. She ordered a double shot of whiskey and downed it with an expert hand. One of her companions yelled out, "Hey Calamity, save a little for the rest of us!" amid loud guffaws. The girl turned to reprove him with a coarse expletive, uttered in a Southern drawl. So much for Kid's stories of the fine ladies back South, I thought, amused.
Now that she was up close, I could see she was quite tall - standing at least five inches taller than I did. I kept sneaking a look, trying to figure out how I knew her, when she turned to face me head on, and sniped, "And why don't you take a tintype, little boy, it'll last longer." She turned back to the bar, ordered another double shot and downed it, and to my amazement ordered a beer chaser. But it was her eyes that had shocked me above all… indigo blue, just like another pair of eyes I'd looked into a thousand times. There could be no mistaking them… realizing all at once who she must be, I squeaked, "Martha Jane???"
And Martha Jane it was… Martha Jane Cannary now, as she explained. She'd been adopted by the Cannarys in Missouri, and they had died shortly after. She hadn't known how to find her brothers, and simply struck out on her own. "I knew that I'd never be adopted again… was lucky enough to be adopted the first time," she explained.
Martha Jane wasn't too surprised to learn I was a girl; there were lots of us out here dressing as men, more than you'd think, she confided. But she'd been overjoyed to learn that I knew her brother. She quickly agreed to come with me to collect the children and then return to Rock Creek. She finished her drink and I finished my sandwich as we chatted and got to know each other, before we set out by rented wagon to the orphanage on the outskirts of town. I found myself liking the strange, outspoken girl, called Calamity Jane by the men she traveled with, and the two of us rented a wagon for the drive to the outskirts of town to pick up the children.
On the drive out to the orphanage, I stopped, for a moment, as I passed the house where I'd worked for Wicks three years ago. I'd toyed with the idea of bringing Charlotte's money, almost a thousand dollars, back to the girls and splitting it with them. They'd "earned" it, after all. But the house was deserted. I supposed the girls had moved on to one of the several other houses in town when word reached them that Wicks had just died. Well, my intentions were good, but I had no intention of carrying a good idea too far. The money would do a lot more taking care of the McCloud family than it really could, split among thirty whores, even if I could find them. I didn't even know most of the names of the working girls who'd been around back when I worked there. None of them could ever be bothered introducing themselves to the little mouse in the attic, as most of them called me. Except dear, unselfish Charlotte.
Martha Jane nudged me. "Are we going to sit outside this whorehouse all day or are we going to get going?" I shook off the guilt and shame of my past and started up the trap toward the orphanage again.
I pulled up to the orphanage hitching post and tied the horses. I was brought up short, though, by the sight of a familiar paint mare. Katy turned and nickered to me happily in recognition. I fished in my pocket for a bit of candy and offered it to her, petting her neck. "So, Katy, he just couldn't let well enough alone, could he?" Maybe he didn't think I was really going to come back with the children, I thought. He needn't have worried. Being without him on the stage ride had been lonesome enough that my lofty resolve of a couple days ago was waning. I was looking forward to seeing him and introducing him to my little girl. I turned to Martha Jane. "This is your brother's horse … he must have ridden out to meet me. Come on, I can't wait to introduce you."
I looked out over the orphanage playground. Oddly, there was no one out playing, though it was a little after noon. As we passed the little graveyard next to the orphanage, I noticed - - there were dozens of newly dug graves, little darker mounds of earth with brightly painted white crosses. I hastened my steps - - walked quickly to the gate- - and saw that there was a large sign nailed to it.
"Quarantine".
Terrified, I pulled the gate open and ran up the path, into the door, and up the familiar long stairway toward Bella's floor. As I reached the top, the door to her ward opened. Sister Amelia and Kid were coming out onto the porch. Their pitying faces said it all for them, but Kid reached me first and caught me by the shoulders.
"Kid, let me go, damn it, I have to get in - - my baby could be sick - - Jeremiah and Tessa - - they need me - - Kid, please tell me if they are all right, Kid, please tell me," I pleaded, knowing already from the look in his eyes that the worst had happened. But still, when he spoke, the words cut through me like a knife of ice.
"It's typhoid, Lou. Half the orphanage. We got a letter at the station saying Jeremiah and Tessa … died a week ago. Lou, please, I'm so sorry - " Kid tried to comfort me, but his voice sounded like it was coming from someplace miles away - - I could see his mouth moving, but was conscious of nothing except a strangely literal pain in my heart. "And Bella? Where's Bella?" a voice that sounded like mine was saying.
Kid's voice, still sounding to my ears like it was coming from far away, was answering. "She was very sick already when I got here two days ago. I stayed with her so she wouldn't be alone when Sister took care of the others. But she was too far gone. She died this morning, Lou."
I felt the urge to run away, anywhere, as if there were anywhere I could run from this… pushed away from Kid … and felt the ground open up under me as I toppled back over the stairs.
When Lou saw the sign on the orphanage gate, and ran up the steps, I feared the worst for my new friend. I hung back in the doorway of the orphanage, and looking up, saw my brother at the top of the stairs, holding her by the shoulders, telling her something. She pulled away from him and I leapt forward, too late - - she crashed over the railing to the flagstone floor below. My brother, frantic, ran down the stairs, not recognizing me as he passed, and went to her side. She wasn't hurt as bad as we feared at first, thankfully. The doctor said it was a concussion and a few fractured ribs, and gave her something for the pain.
Though Kid was worried sick about his girl, he was happy to see me again. I could tell he didn't approve of my getup, even though Lou didn't dress like a normal girl either. But Kid, disapprovingly, pointed out that was "different", and my conscience pricked me a little when he reminded me of what our ma would have thought if she'd seen me dressed like this. I didn't like his tone much, though, and I wasn't as sure about going back to Rock Creek with him. I loved my brother, but I wasn't interested in being treated like a little girl after being on my own and doing just fine thank you, for some time now. But I wanted to spend a little time with him, and he needed help getting Lou back to the station, so I held my tongue and went back with them.
Things picked up considerably when we arrived at the station, though. Kid carried Lou up to the station house with the help of a young fellow he introduced as Cody, and I went off to look around. To my surprise, I saw a very familiar and handsome face working by the corral with three other boys.
Coming up from behind him, I grabbed him on the bottom and gave a playful squeeze. "If it isn't my good friend, Wild Bill Hickok," I purred, turning him around for a long kiss on the mouth. When he got his breath, he grinned broadly, sliding his own hands around my waist and down my backside. "Well, hello, Calamity. It's been a while."
"Pleased to meet you ma'am. What brings you to town?" Buck asked.
"Just visiting my brother in Rock Creek for a while. I'm glad I ran into you, though, "Wild Bill." Maybe this visit won't be so boring after all."
"I didn't know you had a brother in town. We'll have to make sure to get … reacquainted, while you're in town, now." I said, looking at her admiringly. She nodded brightly, adding, "I'm sure we'll run into each other in the saloon, if there is one in town," and sashayed off, to the open-mouthed admiration of the rest of the boys.
Noah let out a low whistle. "She looks like quite a handful, if you don't mind my saying so, Hickok. How long you known her?"
Since we moved to Rock Creek and started making runs into St. Joe. I look her up every time I'm in town. She's… a lot of fun," I answered.
"Mmm hmm. I'll bet she is. Wonder if she'll expect more from you now that she's here for a while," Noah remarked.
I laughed. "You don't know Calamity Jane, Buck. She's fine with me being just a notch on her bedpost, believe me. She wouldn't want anything serious."
Cody had wandered up to the group, passing Calamity walking off with a nod. "Did I miss something, or do you know her?" Cody asked as he reached them, curiously.
"She's a little playmate of mine from St. Joe in town for a little while," I bragged, puffing out my chest a little. Cody raises his eyebrows.
"Oh really?" He nods, with a mock interested expression on his face. "That's real interesting, Hickok. It's nice to have … friends." He started off, then, as if he just remembered, turned and deadpanned, "Oh, and by the way, I'm sure Kid will be interested to know that you're so … close with his baby sister," before grinning widely and wandering off. As Buck, Ike and Noah grin at each other, I choked as if I'd swallowed a piece of hardtack the wrong way.
I don't remember how I got back to the way station in Rock Creek. I don't remember anything for a few weeks afterwards either.
The first thing I remember is waking up in Rachel's guest room. Kid was sleeping on the floor next to my bed, on a pallet. The early morning sun was streaming in, and I looked around curiously. On the side table, a glass and bowl, a spoon, and a bottle. "Laudanum", it read. I was wearing a woman's nightdress. I got up as quietly as I could and went to the window, walking stiffly. Looking out, I saw Ike heading out on a run.
Suddenly, my recollections came rushing back - - the loss of Bella and my siblings hit me like a fist - - and I doubled over with what seemed like physical pain from the returning heartache. At the cry I let out, Kid was instantly awake and at my side.
"Lou, do you want to lie down? Do you want some more medicine?" he asked anxiously.
I shook my head numbly. "How long have I been asleep?"
"You've been taking this medicine for about two weeks now. You broke a few ribs and cracked your head in the fall at the orphanage, and you needed it for the pain and to sleep. Last night I must have fallen asleep and you missed a few doses -"
Suddenly I was aware that Jimmy was at the doorway, speaking, "And Lord knows you'd rather keep her half asleep for the rest of her life, than let her face the pain and move past it like I know she could, if you'd let her, right Kid?"
"Stay out of it, Jimmy!" Kid snapped irritably.
"But the rest of us have been telling you, you can't keep giving her that stuff the rest of her life. She has to move on and face it, Kid, and she's strong, she can do it," Jimmy insisted. He seemed angry. But I was feeling something different. Like a strange aching for something.
"Kid, did you say there's some medicine? I - - I am feeling sort of strange - -" I trembled.
"That's because you're addicted to that poison he's giving you . Kid, the doctor warned you this might happen if you didn't start tapering the medicine off," Jimmy said, his voice raised and hammering in my head like a cannon.
"Jimmy, please," I whimpered, "not so loud".
Rachel appeared in the doorway next, holding a bowl of broth. "Lou, honey, how are you today?" She flickered her eyes toward Kid.
"I don't know, Rachel … I don't remember anything from the last two weeks, and I feel terrible … and … and Bella and my brother and sister…" I choked. Kid got the bottle opened and started measuring something out.
"No, Kid!" I said firmly. "Jimmy is right. I - I don't want any. I need to face this - - and I need your help, please, please put that away."
Kid put down the medicine and looked at me. I stared back. Rachel moved toward me and placed the bowl on the table. "Well, if you're going to be facing things, you'll need your strength. Sit down and eat this," she ordered. I tried to follow orders, but my hands were strangely shaky. Kid took the bowl and spoon and fed me like a child.
I only took the broth to please him. I remembered now all too well what happened right before my fall. If it weren't for Kid, I would have taken the whole bottle of medicine and ended my own grief and suffering, but I saw his worried face and wanted to try to live, if only for his sake.
"Kid." He looked up. "Thank you for taking care of Bella for me. Please - tell me anything you can about her, about how she was those last days - please." I can see his mind reaching back, reliving it. Finally, he said gently, "She was a little angel, Lou. She was very sick, but I think she understood that I was your friend and that you were coming for her. She … she looked exactly like a little you, with big brown eyes and hair cut short because of the fever. A few hours after I got there, the fever got so bad she didn't know where she was. She stayed like that until the end." He sadly plucked at the fringe on the counterpane on Rachel's guest bed.
Just then, Dr. Barnes came in with Teaspoon. "Well, there's my girl, up and around, is she?" Teaspoon boomed. I winced at the loud sound. I was starting to get a bad headache.
Dr. Barnes checked the bottle. "Has she taken this much since I was here last?" he said sharply.
Kid looked uneasy. "Yes. She was so upset … I thought she needed it …"
"I gave strict orders that she have no more than three doses a day after the first week. You've been giving her the same dosage as the first few days, haven't you?"
Kid flushed. "I told you, she was beside herself, she needed it."
Dr. Barnes eyed Rachel and Teaspoon critically. "I can excuse this in the girl's beau, but the two of you should have intervened or consulted me. Nursing shouldn't have been done by someone too emotionally attached. Now we'll have to wean her off the medication."
Dr. Barnes continued lecturing. I wasn't paying much attention; none of it mattered as far as I was concerned. "She can't just stop suddenly without the danger of a severe withdrawal reaction, or rebound symptoms from her head injury and rib fractures. She should take three doses today, then two for the next two days, then one for the next two days. Then none the day after that."
"But someone besides Kid should be in charge of the medicine." He looked around, and his eye settled on Jimmy. "How about you? Can you keep the medicine on the proper schedule no matter how she begs for it?"
For all his bluster, Jimmy hesitated. To my surprise, he seemed unsure. "Jimmy, you can help me out, can't you?" I asked. He mumbled in answer, barely audibly, "yes, if you need me to I will."
Dr. Barnes nodded. "I'll make it easy for you. I'll leave only a day's dose. You'll have to come in to my office tomorrow morning to get more."
"Kid, you take the next run. You've been in here with Lou for two weeks and the rest of the boys have been pulling overtime to cover for the two of you, since I never got a chance to replace Lou. You're up, say your goodbyes and be ready in five minutes" Teaspoon advised shortly.
"But what if Lou -" Kid started.
"I said you're up. You being here isn't going to help the next few days, if I don't miss my guess."
Kid came over to me and took my face in his hands. "You said a lot of things right before this happened, Lou. And I know you didn't mean them. When I get back, we'll start working through things together, okay?" I nodded and kissed him goodbye. We whispered our "love you's", and with that he was gone.
The rest of the day wasn't too bad, actually. Rachel gave me my medicine on schedule that day, and I even had some visitors. Martha Jane, who was sleeping in the room next to mine in the main house, came in and sat on the bed next to me after dinner. I was surprised to see her in a schoolgirl's dress.
"What's with the dress?" I asked.
Martha Jane grimaced. "Your boyfriend decided that I need to dress like a little girl and … and …" she choked. "Go to school while I'm here." She shook her head. "Jesse has been walking me to school and carrying my books, if you can believe it."
I smothered a grin. Kid certainly had his ideas of how women should act, I thought. Poor Martha Jane. "Well, you are still only 14, Martha Jane. It's good for you to have some schooling if you have the chance. And Jesse's a nice boy."
She looked suddenly upset. "Yes, he's a nice boy, " she said, looking away.
"What is it, Martha Jane?"
She sighed. "It's … it's just that everybody all of a sudden expects me to start acting like a little girl again. And I can't. It's like un-ringing a bell. I can't go back to the way I was before."
I understood that. She and I were not too different, in many ways. We'd both had our childhoods cut off with violence, and had to grow up all at once, to survive it. I sensed that Martha Jane was having more trouble surviving on her own, without the help of the bottle and the comfort of men, but I said lightly, "Well, try to enjoy it for a little while, Martha Jane. This is your last chance to be a little girl."
She looked askance at that. There was something else, I could tell. After a moment, she confided in me. "There's more, Lou. There's somebody I care about, a lot… somebody I got to know in St. Joe who lives here. And now he won't have anything to do with me, just because he's friends with my brother. And now he says that since he knows how young I am, it wouldn't be right. But my age is just a number, Lou. I'm a woman just the same, I know more and had more things happen to me most people three times my age. Why won't he see that, I'm the same person he spent so many wonderful nights with in St. Joe? And why wouldn't my brother stay out of it?" Martha Jane turned and looked out the window, fighting back tears.
I felt for the girl, but didn't know what to say. Her feelings were real, but I know that Kid was right too. "Who is it?" I asked.
"Jimmy Hickok," she said, still staring out the window. I looked down at my hands, a little disappointed in Jimmy. But he hadn't known Martha was so young before, I remembered. Or, most likely, how vulnerable she was, underneath that coarse, hard bluffing exterior. A lot of times women who've had men hurt them like Martha Jane and I have, end up not thinking they're worth much, and settle for whatever a man feels like giving them. I didn't end up like that, but it seemed that Martha Jane had.
I looked up and saw her looking at me curiously. I told her, "I can understand how you could care about Jimmy, Martha Jane. He's a fine person. But … give it some time. You're young. Maybe when you're a few years older, things will be different."
Martha Jane nodded, though I could see she wasn't convinced or happy. She abruptly changed the subject, and we chatted about other, less combustible topics, until it was time for bed. Then Jimmy came in. After an awkward silence between them, Martha Jane went back to her own room. Somehow sensing that I knew about him and Martha Jane, Jimmy looked at me guiltily. "I didn't know, Lou. About any of it, how young she was, what she'd been through, that she was Kid's sister, until she showed up here in Rock Creek. I couldn't feel any worse about it, believe me."
"I have no right to tell you what to do, Jimmy. But you're doing the right thing, breaking it off. Just … be kind to her, okay? She cares more than you think." We dropped it at that, and he gave me the last dose of medicine for the night, pulling up a chair next to the bed and reading to me, slowly and deliberately from a newspaper, until I fell asleep.
I wish I'd known what I was getting into, agreeing to help Lou through her withdrawal. It was easier to criticize Kid, than to be the one to ignore her pleading eyes and hands. Those eyes… soft and deep like a doe's, yet capable of turning stormy black with fury, or pain. Those eyes that had an effect on me that I hadn't entirely admitted even to myself. Funny how it's possible to hide the truth even from yourself, if you need to.
About four hours after her last dose for the day, she woke up screaming. I had drifted off in the chair next to her bed, and jumped about ten feet in the air at that sound. She was sitting bolt upright, staring with those hollow, haunting brown eyes, in the middle of the bed. She'd kicked off the quilt, and rocked back and forth in her nightgown. I'd never seen her like this, like Kid has … I could partly see now, why he thinks of her as needing his protection. She looked like a little girl, with those huge eyes in her peaked little face. I never noticed before quite how fragile she looks, without her oversized shirts and vests and coats.
But as little as she is, I found out soon enough how strong she is. After waking from her nightmare, she was nervous as a cat, and just wouldn't lie back down to sleep. She paced the floors for what must have been hours, back, forth, making me tired just looking at her. She kept sweating, and her short hair stuck to the sides of her face. Gradually, she started to fidget with her hands, twisting the fabric of her nightgown and whimpering softly as she walked, faster and faster around the little room.
"Lou, you'd better try to calm down and rest a little - -" I started, but she wasn't listening. She was muttering to herself . I couldn't make out all of it, but she was blaming herself for her baby and brother and sister's deaths. "If only I'd come sooner. If only I'd come sooner, I was too late. Too late," she kept saying it, over and over, breathing heavier and heavier. "I'm sorry, Mama. I tried." She was getting frustrated, more and more worked up.
"I tried so HARD" she spat, "so hard, no one knows how hard I tried". Turning by the window, her tiny hands gripped the curtains and with a yank they were dragged down and trailing behind her as she continued her laps around the room, unheeding what she was doing. She started begging me for her medicine. "Please, please, just give me something so I can stop THINKING," she wept. "I need just a little, just a little. It feels like my skin is crawling, like bugs on my skin, please, what difference does it make?" Frankly, for all the grief I'd given to Kid that day, I knew if there was any medicine to give, I'd probably have given it to her too. I tried to calm her, guide her back toward the bed or the chair, but she shook loose, careening into the low dresser and clearing off the pictures and knickknacks Rachel had strewn across it in her wake.
The crash startled, terrified her. She whirled, staggering around the room blindly, still clutching the ends of Rachel's curtains. I caught her and pried her hands loose .
"I'm here, Lou. You need to try to sit down and rest, you're wearin' yourself out -", I started. It was so hard to see her sad, weeping eyes, and not take her in my arms and comfort her. But I'd decided, back when I saw her with a rope around her neck because of me, that I couldn't risk being with her. I'd weakened once after that, when we were alone by the campfire. She'd read my mind, telling me exactly what I was afraid of. She understood me like no other person ever did, even myself, and I'd kissed her, but I put the brakes back on the next day. I had to try to remember how I had done that before, because she was sliding her arms around my neck and pulling me to her, back towards her bed. Her mouth was on mine, sweet like the last time, desperate, her hands frantically twisting themselves in my shirt. Her strength and speed were surprising for someone so small and frail, and before I could react, she'd pulled me down on top of her on the bed.
As I was trying to pry her off me without hurting her, my own feelings were making themselves hard to ignore. She felt almost naked pressed up beneath me, her sweat-dampened nightgown worked up by the top of her thighs. She blurted out hoarsely, "just take me, please, I need you, can't you see how much I need you?" before her mouth was on mine again, in a deep, passionate kiss. I couldn't keep fighting her and myself at that moment; I kissed her back, pressing down on top of her on the bed, running my hands up and down the sides of her legs, catching at her knees and pulling them upwards. I needed her too, God only knows. I couldn't fight it anymore, I thought dazedly, until her next words pierced me like an arrow. "I love you, Kid" she panted, looking blindly through me, unseeing.
Of course I pulled away, cursing myself, and thanking God it hadn't gone any farther than a kiss before I realized the truth. Lou was begging for the Kid, not for me. Just like she'd turned to him, not me, when Elias had hanged. She'd gone back to him because he was the one she wanted, deep down. She muttered, "Kid?" confused, as I disentangled myself from her grasping hands and legs. I soothed her, straightened her nightgown and got her something to drink. She seemed tired out and calmer, and even dropped off to sleep.
Once she was asleep, I went to Rachel's room and tapped on her door. After a moment, she appeared with her candle, her wrapper clutched around her throat. "Is Louise all right?" she asked, concerned.
"Yeah, she's asleep. I … need a break, if you could take over for a while?"
Rachel looked at me, with that intent look that cuts right through the front I put up. Her eyes take in my rumpled clothes and hair, and my reddening face. Her eyes showed her understanding. She didn't say anything else, other than "Sure, Jimmy. I'll go sit by her until morning, it's only another hour or so. You go get some rest."
Rachel hurried down the hallway to Lou's room as I descended the stairs, heavily plodding, away from her. Telling myself, it's for the best. It has to be, doesn't it.
As I passed Calamity's room, I noticed that it was slightly ajar, and her fierce, blue eyes were peering at me through the crack above a candle. I turned toward her, and she hissed, "Don't you even come near me, you low-down snake. I see how it is now. Wait till I tell my brother," before slamming the door in my face and locking it.
The next afternoon, I found Calamity on the back shooting range with Cody, Jesse, and Buck, dressed once again in her men's clothes, waiting her turn to shoot. When it came, she eyed the row of bottles, drew with breathtaking speed and nailed each one dead center in rapid succession. Her eyes were glazed slightly, as she reloaded and kept firing, furiously, at nothing in particular, breathing heavily, to the confusion of the other riders standing by. When her guns were emptied, she stood, heaving and trembling with angry passion; and I made the stupid mistake of approaching her from behind.
"Martha Jane," I started. She whirled, startled, at the sound of my voice, with the gun leveled at my face - - and pulled the trigger with an empty click. At her movement, I'd instinctively drawn my own weapon, but caught myself just in time. I'd rather she shot me down than kill her, even in self-defense. I couldn't do that to Kid and Lou, or to her.
The two of us stood there, even as I'd stood facing down her brother on more than one occasion. Her eyes were just like his, narrowed and icy, and refusing to back down.
Buck cleared his throat. "Well, I guess you two have something you need to talk about, so if you'll excuse us?" he gestured with his head toward the slack-jawed Jesse and Cody, who, after a moment's hesitation, nodded and walked off to the corral.
"They're right, Martha Jane. We need to talk."
"Nothing to talk about, Jimmy. I see now what kind of person you are. You say you're Kid's friend, Lou's friend. But you were going to take advantage of her. She didn't know what was happening … she thought you were my brother. If I hadn't opened the door, you would have -" she broke off, her voice choked with emotion. "You're an animal. Just like - just like -" she stopped and shoved past me, shoving her empty Colts into her holster as she walked.
I grabbed her by the arm and whirled her around. "Calamity, that ain't how it was. I never knew you were there, I stopped on my own. And I … I thought she wanted me, just for a second, and …" I trailed off, lamely. Martha Jane peered at me, intently, nose to nose, again, like her brother and I had stood so many times.
"And you're in love with her." She said it accusingly.
Defeated, I nodded. "Yes. And it may be wrong, but I can't help it. But I never would do anything to hurt her, or your brother. I swear it, Calamity."
She looked at me, pityingly. I wasn't expecting that. "You know she loves my brother, don't you? She'll never want you, except as a friend." Her words were brutal, but honest. I nodded again, wordlessly. She stood facing me down for another instant, with those eyes that seemed to see through me and read my very mind. "I feel sorry for you, then. Because… because I know how it feels to love somebody, who doesn't want you." Fighting back tears, she turned on her heel. A few steps away she paused, and spoke back over her shoulder.
"If you had told me the truth about why you didn't want me anymore… that you loved her, I could have understood that … accepted it. I will accept it now. You didn't need to lie about doing it for my brother or because I'm too young. You'll never want me because I'll never be her, no matter how old I am," she said, sadly
I remained silent. There's enough truth in what she said to make arguing it pointless.
She continued, hurriedly, "I can't stay here, Kid or no, with you around. I'm going back to St. Joe. Tell Kid and Lou for me, will you. I'll stay in touch this time, I promise."
I agreed to it, and then I let her walk away. A big part of me wanted to ask her to stay. After all, she's beautiful, kind, and a decent person …and we had an amazing passion between us… . But she's not Lou and she never will be. She deserves to be more than someone's second choice.
Gradually, Lou got well again, and even went back to work as an Express rider not too much later. Afterwards, there was a quietness about her, always, that hadn't been there before. Even when she laughed again, it was still there, a sadness hidden deep at center of her heart and visible, though only to those who knew her best, in her eyes. She always would feel that a part of her was missing, at her happiest moments - her marriage months later to the Kid, the births of their children. All those moments, as for all of us, but especially for her, were marked with the absence of those loved ones who left too soon. As her friend, and someone who deep down always wondered, maybe even wished, for a chance to be more than that, I was grateful that Kid had been there to help her move on, to be happy, and even to learn to laugh again. Thankfully, she didn't remember what had happened in her room that night and Calamity never told her or her brother.
As for the Kid, he had said it would be harder to stay in Rock Creek than to go back to Virginia, and that we all were going to have to choose sides - - "It's our country" he'd said before the war. But when the time came, especially after Noah died, it wasn't as hard as he had thought to choose his wife, newly pregnant, over his memories of his old homeland. Kid knew, without any conceit, that if he were killed in action that she might not survive it after her many losses. He knew as well that, when push came to shove, he could never leave her behind, unprotected, even if he were sure he could return to her safely in the end. He chose to stay home with his wife and out of the conflict, and I never faulted him for it.
Calamity Jane and I met up again after the war… we kept up an on-again, off-again affair after that. We both knew it for what it was… the chemistry we shared in the bedroom would never translate into anything outside it. She knew it and I knew it, but we took what comfort we could from each other and never expected anything more.
I moved on, later worked with Cody's show for a season. Lou and Kid came to see it, with a half-dozen children, all uncannily like Kid, in tow. And a little two year old girl, their youngest, in Lou's arms, who was the spitting image of her mother. They came backstage to visit. Cody was yammering on in that way he has, showing off for the young ones, while Lou, holding her littlest one, Hestia, and I wandered off to catch up. I couldn't get over how unchanged her face was, though her hair was long and of course she wore a dress. But other than that, she looked exactly the same to me.
"Um, Lou, I don't mean to pry, but why did you two pick out all these …unusual… names for your kids, Phoebe, Hestia, Hephaestus. What were the others again?"
Lou smiled, again with that slow, quiet smile. "It's a family tradition on Kid's ma's side, I guess you'd say. They all have American middle names, I made sure of that, so they could have something to fall back on if they decide not to use their first names. And of course Hef's middle name is James, after you. Poor Kid… he couldn't really use either his first or middle name. I didn't think that the names we picked were that bad, but years ago, Phoebe firmly informed her teachers her name is Annie, not Phoebe Ann.."
Annie was showing her Uncle Cody what a sure little shot she was with a rifle. He was mighty impressed from the looks of it, as he should be. Lou and I kept talking.
"Are you happy" - - we both said together. She laughed. "Of course," she answered. "The ranch is all paid up, the children all are well. Kid and I are really happy." She paused. "I worry about you sometimes. When do you plan to settle down?"
"Well, there's a lady who's been angling for an answer to that for a while… Agnes… I'm not so sure about it, though."
Lou looked sternly at me. "Why not?" she demanded.
I looked her full in the eyes, and told her flat out, "Because part of me will always be in love with my best friend's wife."
She looked back at me, measuring whether I'm joking or not. I could see she knows I'm not, but she pretended otherwise. "Jimmy, all that soft soap may work on the Eastern ladies, but you don't need to flatter an old friend."
I laughed and told her about my plans to take up the badge again. She looked worried. "Take care of yourself, Jimmy. I'd hate to hear about anything happening to you. Always watch your back."
Epilogue
Kid and I went on to recreate the family we'd each lost, together. Seven children, like steps running up and down, each two years apart, each filling up a little more of the empty place our lost parents and siblings and child left. Though of course, there's always a very special spot in my own heart, saved just for my first girl. Kid and I were lucky enough to see our grandchildren and even a great grandchild born to us, and we've built up a good living for ourselves and our family. We never lost touch with our Express family either, over the years, except for one.
After we saw Cody and Jimmy in the Buffalo Bill Combination show, I never saw Jimmy again. Our Phoebe joined up with Cody's Wild West show and became as famous as any of them, Cody, Calamity Jane, Hickok, all of them. But Kid and I always asked her to keep our names out of the limelight. We never really knew when Kid's or my secret past might rear its head and cause a scandal for her, and we didn't want any fame for ourselves. We saw enough of that with poor Jimmy, and even Martha Jane.
Jimmy… I always had a soft spot in my heart for Jimmy… and I'm pretty sure he had one someplace for me as well, regardless of who he carried on with, including Kid's sister, from time to time, as I knew. I was half out of my head that night in Rachel's house, but the next morning I remembered what had almost happened.
Never spoke of it to Kid or Jimmy. There wasn't any point; it was true that I thought it was Kid for the moment, until he pulled away and I saw Jimmy's face over mine. But I never forgot the look he gave me … one naked look of pain and love. My own love for the Kid kept me from ever mentioning it again, to Jimmy or anyone else. But I recalled it always, especially on the day I heard the news of his death, fifteen years after the Express ended. It was the one secret I decided to keep with me, tucked away in lavender. A lady never tells all her secrets, now does she?
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