Author's Note: This story is a sequel to "All That I Can Do" and "For Lou".
Rachel Dunne smiled companionably at her friend Kid as they strolled towards his farmhouse from the town hall. Kid had given his 'daughter' Theresa away at her wedding today. Kid had offered to walk Rachel back to her house, but now remarked, "Long as we're going that way, Rachel, there's something I meant to bring to the wedding today to give you. Mind stopping with me at my place for it?"
"Kid, you didn't need to get me anything today. It isn't my wedding day, after all."
Kid smiled, opening the porch door. "Reckon not," he said, "but I got you something just the same."
"Well, far be it from me to turn down a present," Rachel giggled.
"It's in the parlor," Kid said. "Left it right on the table in all the excitement." He handed the package to Rachel. "Open it."
Rachel took the ribbon off the package and opened the tiny box. It held a gold locket on a chain, incribed on the inside, "With thanks, Kid" and the date. "Kid, well . . . " she mumbled, a little taken aback at the expensive gift. "It's beautiful … but thanks for what?"
She turned and lifted her long blonde hair as Kid fastened the chain around her graceful neck before the parlor mirror.
"Thanks for being such a good friend to me all these years, for one thing. But today I wanted to thank you especially for all the times you were there when I needed help with Theresa. Part of the reason she turned out like she did, was because you were always there when we needed a friend," Kid said softly.
Rachel clasped the locket in her hand, smiling up at Kid. Her bright blue eyes made contact with Kid's, then locked for several moments. They both looked away, awkwardly.
"Well, I was glad to, of course. We've been such good friends," Rachel said hurriedly. She felt flustered for some strange reason she couldn't quite fathom. They had become best of friends over the last decade; though of course she'd had eyes in her head and always had seen Kid for the attractive man he was, she'd never felt quite so schoolgirlish in his presence, she realized bewilderedly. Maybe part of it was that tonight, something in his eyes as he gazed at her seemed somehow different as well.
Kid bit his lip nervously and nodded. "Yes, we have," he said, before trailing off and clearing his throat. "I meant to tell you earlier. You looked beautiful tonight," he said hesitantly, his eyes flickering over her. She smiled, smoothing out her green velvet dress almost bashfully, and thanked him.
Looking away with difficulty from her face toward the road, he said, "Well, I suppose I had better walk you the rest of the way home."
"Oh, Kid, you needn't. It's not that late or that far. I'll be fine."
"It's no trouble," he said. "I insist."
She relented, nodding, and he offered his arm. She slipped her hand through it and they headed toward her house. At the gate, he clasped her hands a moment, looking down. Finally, he looked up.
"Thanks again, Rachel. For everything," he said, reaching up and brushing aside a long ringlet that had blown across her face. He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek, and some impulse seized Rachel, compelling her to turn her head and take his kiss on her mouth. Kid drew back, surprised for a moment, then eagerly slid one hand behind her head through her blonde curls, and the other around her slim waist, pulling her back to him again.
Her eyes dropping shut, Rachel slid her own hands up around Kid's neck, savoring the soft touch of his lips on hers, the warmth of his chest pressed against her. She opened her mouth slightly and allowed his tongue to slip inside. Kid's hand was tangled in her mane of curls behind her head, and she could feel his heart pounding rapidly and his arousal pressed against her, before he broke the kiss and stepped back suddenly.
Breathless, she touched her mouth and stood staring at Kid, who looked back at her dumbfounded. "Where'd that come from?" she whispered, confused.
Kid smiled wanly. "It ain't like I've never wanted to do that before, Rachel. You've always been a beautiful woman and . . .well, I'm a normal red-blooded man. I . . . I'm sorry if I stepped over the line."
Rachel shook her head. "Kid, I kissed you, remember? And, well, any normal red-blooded woman would be attracted to you too. It isn't the first time this has crossed my mind either." She reached up and stroked the side of his face and sidled up to him, gazing into his eyes.
"We have a lot in common, Kid. Both of us, well, found love years ago and lost that special someone, and spent a long time grieving for that love. I think we both kept busy takin' care of other people, working hard, to keep from thinking about it too much." She kept her eyes on his, continuing, "But we both are still human, still have our own needs just the same, and both still get lonely, isn't that true?"
He looked down at her, their faces inches apart, and he nodded. "Yes, that's true, Rachel," he admitted, his hand wandering back up to her long blonde hair again, twisting a curl around his fingers.
She leaned in for a long, lingering kiss, before inviting huskily, her forehead pressed against his, "Well, since we are attracted to each other, and respect and care about each other, maybe we can fill some of those needs together . . . tonight?"
Kid bit his lip, his arms around her; he found himself wrestling with his normal manly needs, unsatisfied for many years now. Rachel was as beautiful and desirable as she had ever been, and his body was telling him in no uncertain terms to take her up on her offer, but something made him back away reluctantly.
"Rachel, I'm sorry," he started, awkwardly. "Lord knows I'm tempted and flattered, but I don't think it's a good idea."
She looked away, embarrassed. "If it's about Lou, Kid, I understand. I guess I made a fool of myself -"
He interrupted, "No, Rachel, and it isn't because of Lou either." He stroked her face gently. "I know you loved Henry and a little piece of you always will, same as me and Lou. But I know they wouldn't want us to go on alone all our lives because of that love. It's something else."
Rachel was taken aback at his tenderness and his struggle for words. "What is it, Kid?"
"It's that you're too important to me to just jump into bed together, much as I want to right now. Much as I think it would be amazing," he admitted, chuckling. She grinned back devilishly.
Kid's expression grew serious, however. "Rachel, I care about you so much. You're my best friend, and, well, there's chemistry there; at least, I've felt it before. Have you?"
Rachel nodded, mesmerized. When she'd first met Kid, he was not much more than a boy, and she was a seasoned woman, though only six years older. What's more, she had been grieving bitterly over Henry; and he had been in love with her dear friend. Over the last years, she had grown to respect the man Kid had grown into . . . and being a flesh and blood woman, she had appreciated what he might have to offer physically.
Kid continued, slowly. "I guess I'm . . . I'm asking if I could court you," he said, helplessly shrugging his shoulders. "Seems strange after knowing you all these years, but there it is. What do you say?"
"Court me," Rachel echoed. "Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose." She considered it, looking up into the earnest blue eyes appealing into hers. "I say, yes. On one condition."
"Name it."
"It's that you promise me, no matter what happens, I won't lose you as a friend. If we go down this road and explore this, promise me that," she said worriedly.
"I promise, Rachel."
Kid smiled and leaned in to kiss her again, and she coyly put up her hand in front of his lips. "Now Kid, if we're courting all proper-like, it's a little early for that, don't you think?" she said, grinning teasingly. He laughed back.
"Sorry for the liberty, ma'am," he smiled back at her. She regarded him appreciatively. He looks awful handsome when he smiles … and I hope to see that smile a lot more often, she reflected. She leaned in and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek. He pressed her hand and said, "May I see you tomorrow night, then? How about dinner in town?" She nodded happily and watched him as he turned and sauntered back toward his house, a jaunty spring in his step that she hadn' t seen in many years.
Kid entered his empty house a little apprehensively. Part of him wished he hadn't been so gentlemanly back at Rachel's house … he wished he were with her now instead of in his lonely, quiet house. He set his keys on the shelf by the door and headed upstairs, peeling off his suit jacket as he went; the August heat was oppressive. He threw the jacket over a chair as he went into his bedroom. Lighting a lamp, his eye fell on a framed picture set on a small table near the bed. He went and sat up on the bed, taking the frame in his hands.
Ike had carefully drawn Lou's likeness from memory soon after her death, and it was the best work he had ever done. Her unique spirit seemed to shine up from the paper, as Kid gazed at her. Long ago, the pain had gone from her memory and left only warmth behind. But tonight, for the first time in many years, a pang went through him as he looked at the beloved face. Sighing, he pulled her well-worn diary from the drawer next to him and sat holding it. He felt like a traitor suddenly, like an unfaithful husband. He looked up at the ceiling, stricken with guilt. Closing his eyes, he was tormented; he had been lonely so long, and he was human after all. Wasn't he entitled to some happiness? But somehow here with Lou's big brown eyes staring up at him in his lonely room, what he had suggested to Rachel felt like a betrayal of his long-lost lover.
A sudden chill ran over him and he opened his eyes, confused; he was shocked to see a familiar form standing at the end of the bed. The garments were pure, dazzling white; the hair seemed longer and the face strangely luminous. But it was her.
"Lou?" he gasped.
She smiled softly and radiantly at him. "Yes, it's me, Kid."
He sat up, as if to run to her, but she held up a hand. "Kid, I've come back to tell you something, something you need to hear."
"Lou, I want to tell you something too. I love you … I never stopped -"
She shushed him gently. "I know that, Kid. I've been with you all the time, don't you know that?"
"You have?"
She nodded. "Don't ever doubt it, Kid … I'll always be with you. You carry me in your heart. I've come back to tell you, though, that it's okay for you to move on. That I want you to."
"Lou, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so weak … but it's so hard to be alone," he choked. "I still love you so much but you seem so far away."
"I am far away, Kid. But still near at the same time. Always. I want you to take down that picture … put away the diary and other things … those aren't me. I'm in your heart, always, and there's no need to keep these things here, like some shrine. Living in your memory is tribute enough for me. And living your life, being happy, is all I want for you now. I want you to be with Rachel. She will make you happy. I love you both, Kid."
Kid drank in the sight of her. "You look so beautiful … so happy. You are happy where you are, aren't you?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Will I ever see you again?" he asked, brokenly.
"Yes. Maybe not in this life, Kid, but in the next, for sure. You'll see then, that there's no pain, no jealousy here. I understand that you need to move on and be happy with someone else. Life is for the living, Kid. Someday all of us will be together again, and until then your job is to go on living."
"You're not lonely there?"
She laughed gently. "No, Kid. My mother is here … Teaspoon … Ike and Noah. And someone new …. Jimmy just joined us." She shook her head. "I'm telling you, Kid, it's only peace and happiness here. It's like we learned in Sunday School. 'And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. And there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain. For the former things are passed away.' Believe that's true, Kid, and don't grieve for me anymore." She never took her eyes from his, as she continued, "And I'll be here when it's your turn someday, after you've done all you're meant to in your life."
Kid held back tears as he told her one last time. "I love you." She smiled back and repeated the words. "I love you too, Kid. For always."
The wind smashing against the window woke Kid suddenly. He looked around, disoriented. It was morning … he was still dressed, still holding Lou's picture and the diary in his hands. It … it was a dream, he realized. But looking down at her picture, he knew that the dream was true in its way. It was time to stop clinging to pictures and papers that were hers, living in the past. She would live in his heart forever, but it was time to go on with his life as she would have wanted.
As he stood and glanced out the window, he smiled at the sight of Rachel running full tilt toward the house. But as she came closer, his smile faded. Rachel was crying. He quickly ran down the steps and out to the porch.
"Rachel, what is it?"
She reached him and ran into his arms, weeping. "It's … it's awful news," she sobbed. Her hand was tightly clasping a newspaper. She handed it to him, trembling. He unfolded it wonderingly. The headline screamed up at him.
Wild Bill Hickok, Shot in Barroom Brawl.
Kid sat down on the steps, thunderstruck. The article said it had happened two days ago. His mind racing, Kid looked up at Rachel, still crying bitterly into her hands. He quickly stood and took her in his arms, comforting her. But even amid his new grief, and his concern for Rachel, his mind was racing back to the apparition he'd seen last night. She'd said Jimmy was with her now. Did this mean … it was real, not a dream? Holding Rachel, he buried his face in her hair, shaking with emotion.
Kid and Rachel stood silently at the gravesite, arm in arm, as the last clods of earth fell on Jimmy's casket. They'd buried so many friends too soon. Lou first, then Ike, and Noah. Teaspoon a year ago. Now this. Turning, they walked from the graveyard with the other mourners.
Cody and Buck approached, somberly. "Rachel, Kid, it's been too long," Buck said softly. The four stood together, keenly aware that they were all that was left of a precious, short time when they had been a family. Cody cleared his throat. "Got to say, folks, that I'm hungrier than a bear. What do you say we head on over to the local eatery and I'll treat y'all to some victuals?"
Rachel and Kid exchanged glances with each other and Buck. Cody hadn't changed much; his stomach and his ego still took precedence over sentiment. But they were eager to catch up and agreed.
As they walked toward the only restaurant in Deadwood, Rachel passed through the door first. Cody managed to whisper to Kid, "So, Kid, looks like you're living out all our fantasies. Never figured you and Rachel to end up together."
Kid turned to Cody, half irritated and half amused. "We're just starting out, Cody. Seeing how things go, taking it slow."
Cody smiled. "That's how I like it too, nice and slow. But you've known each other ten years, that's maybe a little slower than even I like it," he teased.
Kid rolled his eyes. "Cody, you'll never change," he chuckled as they followed Rachel into the restaurant.
The trip back to Rock Creek from Deadwood was long and arduous, and the new couple was forced to stay the night in Blue Creek when the stagecoach stopped there for the night. Kid walked Rachel to her hotel room and unlocked the door for her, handing her back her key. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly at first, then more insistently, before breaking the kiss and leaning his cheek against hers. "Good night," he said, his voice slightly strangled sounding. He felt the extreme urge to go to his room immediately if not sooner; but she held onto him, looking up with damp eyes. "Kid, I know we said we'd take it slow. But today was really hard for me, and I think for you too. Will you … will you stay with me?"
Kid looked into her sea-colored eyes and hesitated. He was a little afraid, if he went in to her room with her, of where it would lead. He wanted her desperately, but felt it still was too soon. "I want to, Rachel," he admitted. "So much."
"Then come with me," she said softly, kissing him again.
He put her from him and spoke firmly. "I'll come in and hold you tonight, but we need to wait for anything more, Rachel; we're both feeling down tonight, and I don't want us to do anything … else … for the wrong reasons." She stood looking at him, amazed. Few men would pass up an offer like hers, she knew without vanity. Especially one as clearly aroused as Kid was. "Think we can?" she said dubiously, as she drew him into the room with her.
He kissed her tenderly, stroking her face. "It won't be easy, but I think it's right, Rachel." She shrugged a little incredulously, and went behind a screen to change into her nightgown.
When she returned, he had stripped to his long-johns, reminding her of the old days with some amusement. He gulped in awe at the sight of her in a long, beautiful white nightgown. For a split second, his mind flashed back to another night, and a timid, shy girl in a similar nightgown emerging from behind a screen and whispering, "Surprise." But only for a second, long enough for him to remind himself how rushing into bed with Lou had hurt their fledgeling romance all those years ago; he didn't want to repeat the same mistake now. He climbed into the bed and held out his arms, and Rachel went to them gratefully, snuggling down next to him.
"Night," she said sleepily, enjoying the feeling of his strong arms protectively around her. "Night," he answered, tenderly kissing the top of her head.
The morning light sifting through the sheer curtains at the window gradually woke Kid, who opened his eyes unsure where he was. Slowly he realized he was in Rachel's hotel room, where they spent all night, talking about everything and nothing, before finally falling asleep together. But Rachel was nowhere to be seen in the room. Standing up and running his hands through his unruly hair, he spotted a note left on the nightstand. She had written merely that she'd stepped out for a morning stroll before the noon stage departed for the last leg of the trip back to Rock Creek, but still Kid worried a little. He knew that Blue Creek held some bad memories for Rachel, and on top of burying Jimmy yesterday, being in the town where she had lost her husband and been imprisoned for killing his murderer, would not be easy on her.
After getting dressed and washing up, he wandered out to the street, asking a passerby where the local cemetery was. Knowing Rachel as he did, he figured that's where he would find her.
Nearing the gate to the cemetery, he scanned the yard and saw Rachel sitting by an unmarked grave. She looked up and saw him, and he waved across the yard. Calling out to her, he said, "Don't let me rush you. I was just making sure you were okay. I'll head into town if you want to be alone."
Rachel smiled through her tears and gestured him towards her. "Get over here," she said. He picked his way among the headstones in her direction.
He noted with some surprise that the grave Rachel knelt by was only indicated by a small, simple marker with Henry's initials.
Rachel reached up and pulled Kid to sit next to her, hiding her face on his shoulder. He gently rubbed her neck, and a sob escaped her, muffled in his shirt. He gently turned her chin up to look at him. Wiping her tears with the side of his hand, he whispered, "I'm sorry it still hurts so much."
"It's not what you're thinking," she said helplessly, taking his handkerchief and wiping her eyes. She stared at the marker a moment, at the grave covered with weeds. "I'm feeling … guilty."
Kid held her hands and waited patiently. "Why are you guilty, Rachel?"
"It's different for me than you, Kid. You've spent the last years being true to Louise, fulfilling her last wishes. You even took better care of her grave than I did of Henry's."
Kid looked at her intently. "That everything that's on your mind? Seems like it might be something else."
She bit her lip and raised her eyes to the sky, tears streaming down unheeded now. "Yeah, it's somethin' else. You didn't kill Louise. I killed Henry."
"Rachel, that ain't so. Henry's death wasn't your fault."
She shook her head. "Yes, it was. Because of my past, Henry is lying under this ground now, and I'm walking around right as rain years later. And moving on like … like he never existed," she sobbed suddenly. "I don't deserve to be happy, Kid. I don't deserve it."
He held her hands, stroking them. She whispered, "I'm afraid, Kid. I'm afraid I'll stop loving him. That I'll forget him. I … I already have strong feelings for you. I don't want to forget him … but I want to go on and be happy too. I'm so selfish," she finished lamely.
Kid smiled. "It's like you told me yourself a few days ago, Rachel. I think you're just dealing with some things you haven't let yourself face in a long time. You've kept busy looking after other folks - - the riders, your students. You've shut off those thoughts so you wouldn't have to deal with them. Now, bein' here is bringing them to the forefront and you can't avoid them."
She nodded, gazing at the ground for a few moments, then looking back up. "I enjoyed last night, Kid. Even though we didn't … you know. Just bein' held, talking about our most secret thoughts. It was wonderful."
"Yes, I thought so too," Kid answered softly. He reflected how it was true, he couldn't remember feeling this good in a long time, now that he had someone to really talk to and be with like this.
"Let's go and get something to eat," she said wearily, "before the stage leaves."
Kid helped her up and then paused, looking down at the grave thoughtfully. She started toward the gate, then looked back at him curiously. "Kid? Aren't you coming?"
Kid hesitated. "Rachel, you ever think about … well, about moving Henry's body a little closer by, so you can take care of his grave and visit him from time to time?"
She looked at him curiously. "You mean have him moved to Rock Creek's cemetery? I hadn't thought of it, but that's not a bad idea. Though it might be kind of expensive," she said worriedly.
Nodding, Kid pointed out, "While you're here, you might speak to the caretaker about the arrangements. And if you're worried about the expense, maybe I can help you out."
Rachel shook her head. "Kid, I couldn't ask that of you, you just paid for Theresa's wedding and money is probably a little tight right now."
He smiled, "I don't mean to brag, but the farm has done very well, Rachel. I could help you out if you needed it. But I was thinking it might be nicer for you to bury Henry at my place, near Lou. That plot is right between the house you're renting, and my farm … and maybe some day," he paused, reddening. "I don't mean to get ahead of things, but maybe someday the farm will be our place."
She looked at him incredulously. "You'd share that plot with me? But what if things don't work out like we're hoping?"
Kid looked teasingly at her. "We promised we'd always be friends no matter what, didn't we? So that won't be a problem. I know I prefer having that grave in a private place away from the graveyard, figured you would too."
He reached for her hand, kissing it gently. "And a little bird told me that we're meant to be together," he said softly, not wanting to say just yet that it was Lou who'd told him. He figured that didn't matter anyway … because he was becoming sure of it for himself.
The next few months, Kid and Rachel ate together every night, went to church together every Sunday, and attended every social function for couples that came up. Kid was the perfect Southern gentleman, bringing her flowers at the beginning of every evening and bidding her goodnight at the door at the end. The townsfolk came to accept that the pair were an established courting couple.
At first, Rachel enjoyed the novelty of their conventional courtship, so different from most of her romances in the past, which had been mostly brief, torrid affairs. But as weeks stretched into months, she became uneasy. What could he possibly be doing waiting so long to move to the next level, she wondered more and more.
One fall afternoon, while Kid was out in the fields harvesting with the hands, Rachel slipped into the house carrying a birthday cake and present. She planned to surprise him with a special birthday dinner, and smiled to herself as she went through the parlor toward the kitchen. As she passed Kid's reading chair, she paused a moment. Opened and left on the seat was an old leather journal with a bright red cover. She looked around cautiously. Seeing that Kid was nowhere in sight, she set down the cake on the parlor table.
I didn't know Kid kept a journal, Maybe just a little peek, see if he mentions me.
To her shock, however, the handwriting staring up at her from the page Kid left open, was not Kid's. She recognized it after a split second as Louise's. Forgetting propriety entirely, she picked it up and sat down to scan the page. Her heart constricted in her chest when she saw the top line, reading "Red Fern Station, June 3, 1861." She knew well enough what happened between Kid and Louise at Red Fern; she had been confidante and ally to both of them in their romance. Little had she realized how differently she would eventually feel about it.
Rachel also knew full well she was wrong to keep reading, wrong on many levels. But she had fallen hard for Kid over the last few months, and the sight of the writing of her long-gone friend, and now rival, arrested her attention. Her eyes raced down the page. Louise had written several pages about the first time she had made love with Kid. Clearly, it was both Lou's and Kid's first time, and their clumsy but loving and beautiful experience together was set down in vivid and passionate detail. Reading intimate details about Kid discovering love for the first time with another woman was painful enough in itself, but realizing that this was the page Kid had last been reading … had read many times if the worn pages were any indication … wrung her heart unbearably.
Rachel's eyes blurred with tears as she stood and replaced the book with shaking hands. She was second place, after all this time. She couldn't compete with Louise and what she had given Kid, what they had shared together. It was obvious, after all these years, that Kid couldn't forget, didn't want to. She picked up the cake and present, carrying them into the kitchen and leaving them for Kid on the table. But she couldn't face him right now. She opened the back door of the kitchen and walked home in misery.
The next afternoon, as he often did when his work was finished early and he could get away from his farm, Kid sat outside the schoolhouse on his wagon seat idly waiting for the bell to ring and school to be dismissed. Finally the chime rang out and the students fled, chattering, down the steps and in all directions.
Kid helped Rachel up into the wagon. "Thanks for the birthday surprise … though I wish you'd been able to stay and be part of the celebration," Kid said. Before Rachel could answer, a few of the older boys spotted Kid driving off with Rachel and chanted, "Teacher's beau's here!" Kid grinned under his hat, as Rachel scowled at them.
"That'll be enough out of all of you! Get yourselves home, this instant; I know you could all stand to get a head start on your homework!"
Kid laughed and admonished her. "Now, Rachel, they were just having a little fun. I expect they're all jealous that I get to drive their pretty teacher home."
"That doesn't matter, Kid, they need to show me respect. That includes outside the school," Rachel said irritably. "They have no call commentin' on my personal life."
"Maybe you're ashamed they called me your beau?" Kid said with a mock-wounded expression.
She slapped at his arm. "You know it's not that, you conceited thing. Of course I'm proud of you." She looked at his still youthful, handsome face sideways as he drove. "You could have any woman in town, and you picked me," she said softly.
Looking away and her face shadowing a moment, she said half to herself, "For now, anyway. For whatever reason."
The couple had passed out of town and were near a grove of brightly colored fall maple trees. At her expression and words, Kid abruptly pulled the horses up and turned to her. "What's that mean?" he demanded.
Rachel tried to laugh weakly. "Nothing, Kid, let's just get on home. I didn't mean anything by it."
Kid sat looking intently at her. "You meant something, Rachel. But I don't understand. You almost act like you don't think I'm really serious about you."
He knew he'd hit the nail on the head by the angry flush that crept over her face at his words.
"You said it, I didn't," she snapped. "We've been just going along at this snail's pace for months now, and I think it's obvious you don't feel more for me than friendship. I know you said you wanted to take things slow, but this is beyond ridiculous at our age."
Kid sighed. "Rachel, I'm sorry if I'm moving too slow for you. It's just that I know what can happen if we rush things. Lou and I…"
"Lou again. Always Lou. I'll have you know I'm not going to sit here and listen to you go on about her and how she broke your heart. Why don't you admit that you aren't over her, you'll never be, and stop wastin' my time and yours?" Rachel said angrily.
Kid got angry in return. "That's not fair, Rachel. If she's come up before it's because you brought her up, not me. And if you think I'm obsessed with a dead woman, what do you think I've been spending all this time with you for?"
"Damned if I know, Kid. After all, I'm older'n you, and most men seem to think I'm good for just one thing. And you haven't even tried to … to do that one thing after hanging around all this time, so what am I supposed to think? That you're interested in me for my mind? Don't make me laugh. I'm just not good enough for you, that's all; and you figure I'll do to keep company with until someone comes along who can really take Louise's place. A pure little virgin like she was. But you won't even sully yourself in the meantime, you're too much of a damn gentleman."
Rachel grabbed her books and clambered down from the buckboard. Kid jumped down and whirled her around.
"Rachel, I've never compared you and Lou; and I'd thank you not to throw her in my face when I've never given you cause to."
Rachel jerked free and kept stomping down the road, her face averted so he wouldn't see her angry, hurt face. "Well, it's true enough, ain't it? She was perfect in your eyes, and that's the standard you'll compare every woman you ever meet to. I can't compete with that memory."
"You're the one who's idealizing Lou now, Rachel. I never have. She was a human being with her own flaws, not perfect, I sure always knew that. You're the one building her up into something larger than life. You're comparing yourself to an image of her that ain't even real."
Rachel flushed. "Even so, the two of you shared something so special you couldn't forget it for all these years. You gave each other yourselves for the first time."
Kid sighed. "Rachel, I'm not going to lie. She was special, and it took a long time for the heartbreak to heal when she died, especially the horrible way it happened. But she's gone and I've accepted that or I wouldn't have asked to court you." He paused.
"And for the record, I don't see Lou as the innocent you're imagining. She had a past of her own. That past scarred her, ended up coming between us." He looked out over the field beside them sadly. "She never thought she was good enough, always had to prove something and protect herself. She thought she wasn't pure enough, even though she was a child when it happened." Rachel started at Kid's words, comprehension breaking in on her.
Rachel paled, and leaned against the gate of Kid's ranch, where they'd stopped. "Pour Louise," she whispered, fully ashamed now. Since she'd started really falling for Kid, Rachel had almost forgotten the Louise she'd loved too, and had started instead to resent the hold it seemed Lou would always have on Kid's heart. Now she remembered Lou anew as her own lost friend, and was stricken with guilt at her jealousy, especially after learning of Louise's secret demons.
Kid said slowly, "I'm telling you this because I never knew Lou felt she wasn't good enough until it was too late. Now that I know you're thinking something crazy like that too, I want to make sure you know I'm proud of you and would never want you to feel unworthy. You have the kindest, best heart of anyone I know, Rachel."
Kid plucked at a nearby branch, as he spoke earnestly. "I hope you never think that you don't measure up, or that I'm playing some kind of game with you. You're everything I'm looking for in a woman, I promise."
"I don't believe you, Kid."
Kid looked at her astonished. "Why the hell not?" he demanded angrily.
She paused a moment, then turned her back on him. "Because you are still livin' in the past. Don't deny it. I know you were reading her diary, reading over and over to yourself about how she felt when you made love to her. You probably read it every night, don't you?" she accused, bitterly.
Kid gaped guiltily at first, then flushed angrily. "I don't read it every night. I took it down the day before my birthday and was looking at it, just remembering old times. I don't intend on apologizing for that. And you had no right to pry into it, Rachel," he snapped, furious.
"Maybe not, but I think I have a right to know why you still spend time reading about her and you, when we're supposed to be courting. I don't think you and I should have secrets from each other, do you? And if you haven't got anything to hide, why shouldn't I look at her diary?"
Kid was still red-faced and furious, and he seethed back at her, "Because it was something private between her and me, and you had no right."
Rachel shook her head. "Yes, something sacred between the two of you," she said, trying to sound mocking. "I'm unworthy to even read about it, I suppose. That's the reason you're holding back with me, because of her."
Kid looked at Rachel's heart-broken face, and remembered what Louise's spirit had said to him months before. It was time to leave his past behind, let go and move forward. If he hung on too desperately to the things Lou left behind, he would hurt the woman he loved now, and maybe lose her.
Just as Rachel started to turn away, he stopped her. "Rachel, you're the woman in my life now. I won't read her diary any more if you don't want me to," he said. Rachel wept, "You're just saying that, Kid. You don't mean it." She pulled her arm from his grasp and dropped her head in her hands, crying.
"It's not the diary, not really. It's that … that I can't believe that you can move on and give yourself totally to me. That's what hurts, not that you want to keep your memories of her alive. There wasn't anything wrong with you keeping the diary or reading it if you wanted to. I just wanted to make new memories with you, not erase your old ones. But I don't think you're ready to."
He pulled her to him gently, pressing himself up against her and kissing her hungrily. "I am ready to move on. Believe me, Rachel," he pleaded. Her legs were feeling trembly under his passionate onslaught, and she nodded, breathless and weak. He smiled happily, whispering into her hair, "And when the time's right, I promise I'll do my best to make up for the long wait … make it worth your while," he said suggestively, bending down to kiss her again, his left hand gently stroking her shoulder, bare where her usual low cut blouse had slipped askew, and then slipping lower, inside the fabric, where her heart raced madly.
The joyful sound of childish voices passing by outside on a hay wagon startled them and she shoved him away abruptly, and pulled her blouse back on straight. She could see at a glance that Kid was in agony with desire, but it only made her grin to herself triumphantly. Let him chew on that for a while, she thought wickedly, and see how he likes it. She smoothed her skirt and said in her most formal schoolmarm voice, "Well, Mr. Kid, I suppose I'd best get back home," as she pretended a nonchalance she did not feel whatsoever and headed back toward the wagon. However, she was so distracted by her own emotions that she walked face first into a low-hanging tree branch.
Kid rushed to her side to check her wounded face, as she struggled to maintain her dignity, but finally dissolved in spluttering giggles in his arms. Smiling down at her, he thought that even the brightness of the sun couldn't compete with her smile. He'd known it for a while, but he hadn't said the words to her yet. He found he couldn't wait any longer to tell her; "I'm in love with you, Rachel," he said simply and abruptly.
Her eyes filled with tears. "And I'm in love with you too," she whispered hoarsely as he lowered his face to hers and kissed her intimately.
The next spring, Reverend McAllister closed his book after the service consecrating Henry Dunne's resting place and headstone on Kid's farm. Kid and Rachel were the only ones who'd attended, and they silently stood side by side, hands intertwined, by the graves of their first loves. Henry was buried at one side of the plot, leaving room between Henry's and Lou's graves for Kid and Rachel. Rachel leaned her head against Kid's shoulder as the minister shook their hands and took his leave.
It had taken several months to have Henry's remains brought to Rock Creek, reinterred, and the new headstone placed. In that time, Kid and Rachel had fallen head over heels in love; but they hadn't yet made the ultimate commitment to each other. Kid hesitated, feeling that a graveyard wasn't the place for a new beginning like he was proposing; but at the same time, it seemed fitting to ask her here.
"Rachel," he whispered. "There's something I've been wanting to ask you for a bit now." He turned and held both her hands, looking down into her eyes.
Clearing his throat, he said, "You've made me the happiest man in the world over the last year, Rachel. You healed my heart … made me see I could go on and find love. I'll always be so grateful to you for that."
Rachel started to become a little alarmed. Is he breaking up with me? she thought for a moment, before he knelt and looked up at her with his whole honest, simple heart written on his face.
"Let me spend the rest of my life trying to thank you for all you've given me, Rachel. Please marry me."
Rachel bent and kissed him, nodding yes with tearful eyes, as he slipped the ring on her finger. There among the birch trees, they closed the painful chapters of their last loves and opened a new chapter of their lives together.
Rachel's agonized cries from behind the door had stopped suddenly … and a few moments later a baby's cry was heard. Kid, standing frightened outside the door, nearly fainted with relief. As he stood waiting for the doctor to come out, he was startled and upset to hear additional screams from his wife. Theresa and Jeremiah came to stand by him, worried as well.
Theresa took Kid's arm. "I'm sure it's okay, Dad…" but her voice trailed off as Rachel's sobbing cries continued, mingling with the baby's piercing shrieks. After several minutes, Rachel quieted, and to his shock, Kid heard a second baby's voice joining the first.
Theresa and Jeremiah looked at each other, overjoyed. "Twins," breathed Theresa.
Kid stood frozen in the hallway, as Cody and Buck crowded around him. "That's great news, Kid," Cody shouted, even as the doctor opened the door. "Way to go, buddy!"
The doctor came out, wiping his hands on a cloth. "You can go on in, but don't tire her out. Just a few minutes, now."
Kid rushed in, and was amazed to see Rachel cradling two little ones. She looked up tiredly. "A boy and a girl. Like I knew they would be," she said mischievously.
"You knew?" Kid said, accusingly.
"Of course. Was savin' it for a surprise," she said, yawning widely.
"Well, I'm surprised all right," he said, gently, sitting by the bed and staring in wonder at the three occupants.
"I picked out their names … want to know what they are?" she whispered. He nodded numbly and she motioned with her head for him to come closer. She whispered in his ear, then as he sat up she smiled. "But only if it's okay with you," she said.
"It's more than okay," he said, choking back tears. Turning to his older children and friends, he said proudly, "Everyone, meet Louise and Henry".
Cody gawked at the pair. "Excuse me? You're … you're namin' them after your first girlfriend and first husband? I don't mean to be rude but … but ain't that about the craziest idea I've ever heard?"
Rachel shook her head. "Listen, all of you; if I hadn't met Henry Dunne, I would be fleecing gamblers on some riverboat or worse now. And Louise … well, loving Louise helped make Kid the man I fell in love with too. We wouldn't be who we are today if not for them. I think it's fitting we pay tribute to them this way."
Kid nodded, stroking her hair tenderly. Looking down at his children in Rachel's arms, he knew that she was right. Living life fully and well was the best way to honor Henry and Lou's memories. And he intended that he and Rachel would continue to do just that … in their names.