Author's Note: I would like to thank both Kathleen and Lisa for their patience with me, and this story. I wouldn't be able to do it without you guys. Thanks, Hanny. Prologue "Rider coming!" Buck cried, then smiled to himself. Old habits die hard, he thought, when he realized there was nobody else there. He waited by the corral for the buckboard to approach. "How was your ride?" he asked when he helped the small girl get down, the boy jumping by himself. "Long," Lou sighed and smiled at him. "That's it?" the boy asked, disappointment clear on his face. Kid nodded and chuckled. "We've only been here for a month, there's still a lot to do." The little girl hid behind Lou's skirt, eyeing Buck suspiciously. Lou patted her head. "Don't you remember Buck, Tessi?" she asked. The girl shook her head. Buck kneeled in front of her. "My, my, you have grown so much I barely recognized you myself. How's your doll?" Lou groaned at Buck mentioning the doll. "We lost it." She sighed as she saw the tears starting again in her sister's eyes. Buck tried to stifle his chuckle as Lou shot him a murderous glare. "She fell off the buckboard when the kids were sleeping and we only found out when we were too far. I promised you I'd buy you another one," Lou addressed her sister exasperatedly. "Come on," Kid said, picking Teresa in his arms, Jeremiah following him up the stairs and into the house. Lou sighed and dropped the bag she was carrying. Buck smiled and put his arm around her shoulders, squeezing her closer. "What have I gotten my self into?" she asked desperately. "Don't worry, Lou," Buck chuckled. "In a few months this place will feel like home to all of us." "I hope so," Lou whispered. "All I want is to give them the home they never had." Buck gave her shoulders another encouraging squeeze, and then they followed Kid and the children inside the house. Chapter One Kid watched Lou from the door. She wore a simple white blouse and green skirt. With her hair pulled up and her neck exposed, she was absolutely stunning, he thought. She hummed to herself a lullaby she used to sing to Teresa when she was younger. Now Teresa was a grown woman, about to be married herself in a few months. Kid saw as Lou's lips suddenly broke into a surprised smile. She looked down at her abdomen and gasped. "What is it?" Kid asked, worriedly. "I felt the baby!" Lou's smile grew even bigger as she turned two surprised eyes to him. "Are you sure?" he asked. Lou just nodded. Kid approached her hesitantly and placed his hand on her belly. "I don't feel anything. Are you sure you felt it?" "It's too early for you to feel it," she laughed. "I just wish everything will be alright this time," he said quietly. "It will be," Lou answered with confidence. "Just stop worrying all the time." "I will. I just hope that Teresa would spend more time here to help you." "I'm fine, Kid," Lou assured him. "I feel this time is different." "I hope you are right." Kid sighed. He kissed her forehead and exited the kitchen. Over the 12 years of their marriage Lou suffered 7 miscarriages. Each time she told him she felt different than the others before, and each time the both of them suffered the heartbreak. Though he had, Lou never gave up hope of having her own child. He tried to dissuade her, tried to convince her to let go, he even mentioned the word 'adoption', but she wouldn't hear of it. At some point he even considered not sharing her bed anymore. As much as he vowed to himself to be more careful and to watch her time of the month, when she started, he couldn't bring himself to back off. Every time she got pregnant he cursed himself. The doctor warned them that with each miscarriage it got more dangerous for Lou, but Lou wouldn't listen. She felt a great void and knew only a baby would fill it. Kid was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost didn't notice the strange stallion in the coral. "Buck." He smiled as he realized whose horse this was. He ran towards his friend's house, but stopped as he saw Teresa walking out of it. She stopped dead in her tracks, looking alarmed, but then her lips broke into a smile. She walked over to Kid and hugged him. "I just got back in from town and saw Buck's horse in the coral, so I came to say hi. It's been so long since he's been here." Kid hugged her back. "I'm glad you're home finally. Now, go on to see your sister. She could use the help." Teresa kissed his cheek and headed towards Lou's house. Kid looked back at Buck's house. Buck was standing at the door, leaning casually against the doorframe. He looked just as Kid remembered him, with his long black hair and sharp eyes, but something was different. He seems… happy… Kid thought, content… Kid ran the few steps to the front door and hugged his friend. "Good to see you, Buck." He smiled warmly. "It's been so long." "I know." Buck returned the hug. "Too long. But I'm here to stay." "It's amazing how everything's changed around here," Buck said after a couple of minutes, when they both sat in Buck's kitchen, nursing hot mugs of coffee. Kid nodded, proud of everything they've achieved. "Have you heard of Teaspoon?" Kid asked sadly. Buck nodded solemnly. Teaspoon passed away a year before, after suffering a long and painful illness. "When I heard about it, it was too late to come to the funeral. Was everybody there?" "Yes," Kid answered. "We buried him here, thought he should stay with his family." They sat in silence for a few minutes, each caught in his own thoughts. "How's Lou?" Buck asked. Kid lifted tired eyes. "She's pregnant again," he said unenthusiastically. "No luck yet?" Buck asked. Kid shook his head. "The farthest she reached was 5 months. Since you left she had two more miscarriages, adding to the five she had when you were still here. This is our eighth try and she just started the fifth month. I'm just so scared it will end like before. She feels fine, but when it happens it just does, without any warning. She wakes up in a pool of blood or feels painful cramps and then it's over. I don't think I have the ability to go though this again." "Well, hopefully you won't have to." Buck smiled and patted his back. "Let's go see this wife of yours." "I'm glad Teresa is finally here. Her fiancé is coming in a few days, and Lou is working too hard preparing everything." "Teresa's getting married?" Buck asked surprised. Kid nodded. "She didn't mention it when she met you?" Buck shook his head. "Well, Teresa met George in Seneca. She was there for a few months, working at a dress shop. She felt she needed to be on her own for a while. She was supposed to return a couple of months ago and was on her way back when she wired us, saying she needed some more time." Kid shrugged his shoulders. "I'm telling you, Buck, that child can't make up her own mind. I hope her husband will have an easier time than we had with her." Buck chuckled uncomfortably. "You ok?" Kid asked, looking at his friend. "BUCK?" He sighed in relief, saved by Lou. "Is that really you?" She ran to him and hugged him tightly. "Teresa said something, but it's been so long since she last saw you, and she was so young then, and when it took you so long to show up here… well… it's so good to have you here. Where have you been all these years?" "Lou, maybe we should get inside?" Kid chuckled at his wife's enthusiasm. "Oh, of course," she smiled and hooked her arm in Buck's. "I'm just so happy that you're here." "Where's Jeremiah?" Buck asked at dinner, feeling the absence of the solemn boy. "He lives in St. Joe with his family. He's a teacher there," Teresa answered. "So, when is this fiancé of yours coming?" Buck asked. "In a couple of days," Lou answered proudly. "The wedding is planned for September. There is still so much to do, and so little time." "Lou, everything will be OK." Teresa tried to calm her sister. "You shouldn't get so excited." "Well, I hope you will be happy," Buck told Teresa. There's something strange, Kid thought, but decided to say nothing. Chapter Two "So, where have you been all these years?" Kid asked as the both of them sat on Buck's porch. Lou went to bed after dinner, leaving Teresa to clean the dishes. The boys offered to help, but she sensed they had a lot of catching up to do, and dismissed them. "Here and there," Buck answered with a smile. "Didn't really feel belonged to anywhere but here." "Why didn't you come back then?" "Needed to be on my own for a while, I guess. Kind of like Teresa." "It's been four years, Buck. It's more than a while." "I know, Kid. I tried living with my people for about a year and then kind of drifted. I felt I needed to realize who I am before I could come back here. After all these years with you, I started to feel like I only existed in reference to you." "We're your family, Buck," Kid said, slightly offended. "You're like a brother to me and to Lou. You've been with us longer than anyone. You helped us through our beginning and…" "Kid," Buck stopped his friend. "I love you and Lou. You are my family. This is something I needed to do for myself. It got nothing to do with you." "Well, I don't understand that, but I guess I respect your reasons." Kid smiled. "Anyway, the important thing is that you're back. I missed you around here. I guess I needed a friend with everything that went on with Lou." "I'm here now. If there's anything you need to talk about…" "Thanks," Kid said. "It's getting late, though. We should probably go to sleep, and you must be tired from the ride here…" "Yes, well, good night." Buck yawned and rose to his feet. Kid rose too, but felt a little confused. Suddenly it seemed Buck couldn't get rid of him fast enough. "Good night," Kid answered and walked to his house, shaking his head in confusion. George arrived the next day, a day earlier than expected, which made Lou embarrassed by the state her house was in. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "We didn't expect you until tomorrow. I haven't had time to arrange the guest room for you." "Oh, I wouldn't like to cause you any problem. You seem busy enough without me staying here," he smiled at her. "I will check in the hotel and return for dinner." "I'm sorry for not being ready…" Lou apologized again. "No need," George reassured her. "Teresa, will you come with me around town? I would love to have a couple of private hours with you." Teresa looked uncomfortable. "I should stay here and help Louise." "Nonsense girl." Lou pushed her out. "It's my fault the poor guy has to sleep in town tonight. The least I can do is spare you for a couple of hours. I'll ask Kid to help me." Teresa thought to protest but decided against it. Lou watched them board George's rented buckboard and head towards town. She was about to enter her house, when she noticed Buck standing at the corral fence, watching as the couple left. It's so sweet the way he protects Teresa like a big brother, Lou thought, a smile forming on her lips. *~*~*~* "So, George, where are you from?" Buck asked as Lou served the food. "I'm originally from Washington, but I moved west a couple of years ago. I have a house just outside of Seneca," George answered. "How'd you meet?" Kid asked. "George helped me load my buckboard one day, and we started talking…" "I knew then that I would marry her," George confessed. Teresa blushed slightly; Lou smiled warmly. Kid watched Buck as the latter moved uneasily in his chair. "So, Teresa told me you all rode for the Pony Express. This sounds so exciting," George began. "It was a long time ago," Buck answered shortly. Lou looked puzzled at Buck. It was not like him to not like telling about their express days. "We did," she answered. "As Buck said it was a long time ago, but we're still in touch with everyone. In fact," she turned toward Teresa, "Cody and Jimmy said they'll come for the wedding." "That's great," Teresa said, unenthusiastically. Lou looked at Kid, not certain what to make of it. "I thought so too," she said carefully. "So, George," Kid tried to redirect the conversation, "what are your plans?" "Well, at first I thought we will settle down in Seneca, but Teresa said she wanted to live close to you, so we decided to look for a house here." "That's great!" Lou exclaimed. "Teresa, you never mentioned this. Kid and I could have helped you search for a place." "There's still enough time," Teresa replied. It seemed there was no 'safe' topic that evening. Everything they tried ended with Teresa's annoyed answers. Kid and Lou tried to make the conversation as light as possible, but nothing seemed to work. Eventually, George rose. "Thank you for dinner, Mrs. McCloud. It was delicious" "I'm happy you liked it." Lou smiled warmly. Kid rose to walk George to the front door. He gave Teresa an expectant look, motioning her to come with him. She rose unwillingly. "Teresa, why won't you see George outside?" he suggested, not leaving her any chance to retort as he closed the door behind them. "What was that all about?" Lou asked as he returned to the kitchen. Kid shrugged. "Why don't you go upstairs, Lou? Buck and I will clean here. You had a long day." Lou kissed Kid and mouthed a thank you to Buck. "I'll see you in the morning." They were almost finished when Teresa walked back in. "What's going on?" Kid asked. "What do you mean?" Teresa answered innocently. "You know exactly what. Don't play dumb with me. I've never seen anyone acting like this towards their fiancé." "Heisn'tmyfiance," Teresa said under her breath. "What?" Kid asked impatiently. "I said he isn't my fiancé," Teresa answered more clearly now. "What the hell does this suppose to mean?" Kid exclaimed. "Nothing, Kid. I'm going to bed." Teresa didn't wait for an answer and headed to her room. Kid looked bewildered at Buck who just shrugged. However, Kid noticed the glimmer in his eyes. They finished cleaning and went to Buck's to have some coffee, not wanting to wake up the girls. "That was so weird." Kid sighed as they both sat on Buck's porch, their legs propped on the railing. "I've never seen Teresa like this." Buck didn't answer but simply sipped his coffee. Kid eyed him suspiciously. "And what did she mean by George not being her fiancé?" Again, nothing from Buck. "So tell me, Buck - what's going on between you and Teresa?" Buck choked on his coffee. "W… What?" "You heard me," Kid answered. "If I was suspicious before, you just confirmed it. What's going on?" "Nothing, Kid. I only saw her a couple of days ago after four years. 'Sides, she's getting married." Kid was about to answer when there was a scream from his house. "KID!!!" He looked at Buck as fear gripped him, then rose to his feet and ran, Buck on his heels. Kid took the steps to his bedroom two at a time and stopped dead at the entrance to his room. Lou was curled on their bed, holding her stomach. Teresa sat on the bed at her side, caressing her hair. She looked up at Kid and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she mouthed. Kid crouched at the door, not able to get inside. Buck passed him and knelt in front of Lou. "Do you want me to call the doctor, sweetheart?" "There's no need," Teresa stated sadly. "There's nothing he can do for her." "Can we ease her pain?" he asked Teresa Teresa shook her head. "Can you boil some water? I would like to wash her." Buck kissed Lou's head and went downstairs. Kid was still at the door, unable to come closer to his wife. "Kid…" Teresa started. "I can't," he said. "I knew this would happen. I can't go in there." "She needs you, Kid," Teresa tried again. "This shouldn't have happened!" Kid almost yelled. "She knew it's dangerous. She knew this would happen. Why did she get herself pregnant again?" "And where were you?" Teresa yelled back. "She got pregnant all by herself, right? It's as much your responsibility as it is hers!" "But I didn't want this, she did!" "Are you two crazy?" They both turned towards Buck, who at the sound of shouting, came running back up. "She's lying here suffering and scared, and the two of you yell at each other… Kid, I understand you're angry, but right now you should be with Lou. There will be time enough to figure out what happened. Now, go and hold her hand." Kid looked at Buck, thinking of what he said. He nodded and entered the room, closing the door behind him. As the bedroom door closed, Teresa flung herself into Buck's awaiting arms. They hugged close as Teresa cried into his chest. Buck kissed her head and she lifted her eyes to meet his. They locked their eyes for a second before he lowered his lips to meet her anticipating ones. "I should go get the water you asked for," he told her as they broke the kiss. "Go inside, see that he doesn't say anything stupid to her." Teresa nodded and kissed him lightly. She watched him go down and then entered the room. Kid sat on the bed by Lou's side, caressing her head and mumbling nonsense words to soothe her. Tears continued to run down Lou's face. "Kid," Teresa whispered, "how is she?" Kid didn't look at her. "How do you think?" "I want to bath her," Teresa told him. "I'll do that. You can go to bed" Teresa walked to him and gave him a hug. "I'm sorry, Kid." There was a knock before Buck opened the door. Teresa pulled the bathtub from the corner of the room and Buck filled it with the water he brought. "You to go to sleep," Kid told them. "I'll wash her. I'll see you in the morning." When they left the room, Kid knelt in front of Lou. "Honey, I want to wash you. Can you sit down?" "I don't want to," she answered weakly. "Well, I'm afraid you don't have any choice," he told her as he started undressing her. "No, Kid," she tried to protest. He gasped as he pulled the blanket off her. "God, Lou, you're bleeding terribly. Why didn't you tell me?" "I didn't want you to be angry with me." "Oh, Lou. I'm not angry with you. I'm worried. Let's get you cleaned. Do you still have cramps?" Lou nodded. "They don't hurt as much as at the beginning, though." "Well, I guess that's good." Lou nodded and a tear escaped her eyes. "We're never going to have a baby, are we?" Kid stopped undressing her and looked at his hands, not able to meet her eyes. "I don't know, Lou. But I'm not sure having a baby of our own is worth the risk of losing you." He finished undressing her, picked her in his arms and lowered her into the tub. "I love you, Lou. And I know you love me. That's enough for me." She closed her eyes, unable to answer. Chapter Three Kid woke with the first ray of sun. He watched Lou for a moment and then went downstairs to the kitchen. Teresa was already there, the coffee already made. He sat at the table as Teresa handed him a steaming cup before she took one for herself and sat across from him. Kid looked up just for a second as Buck came downstairs and entered the kitchen. He wasn't surprised Buck spent the night at their house and not at his own. He already figured out the relationship between his friend and his sister-in-law. It wasn't his place to say anything so he didn't. Buck kissed Teresa's head and went to the counter to pour himself some coffee. "How's Lou?" he asked. "She's sleeping." "That's good, isn't it?" Buck said "It took her a long time to fall asleep, with the pain and her misery…" Kid answered absentmindedly. Teresa took his hand in hers and squeezed it affectionately. "How are you doing?" Kid shrugged. "Fine, I guess. I'm kind'a used to it by now." No one spoke for a few minutes until Kid broke the silence. "I don't want her to know about the two of you just yet." "Why?" Teresa protested. "We're not doing anything wrong." "I don't want her more upset than she's already is," Kid answered. "Why would she be upset by it?" Teresa continued. "I broke the engagement to George last night, and it's not like Buck is a stranger." "Teresa," Kid said, his voice slightly high with exasperation, "Would you, just this once, do as I say? I know Lou and she's been through enough for now. Please give her a couple of weeks…" "A couple of weeks?" Teresa cut him. "Why should we sneak around for two whole weeks? We aren't doing anything you didn't do when you courted." "Teresa," Buck warned. "Kid is right. Lou shouldn't have to deal with us now." "What's to deal, Buck?" Teresa turned her anger towards him. "We love each other, right? That should be enough for her." "But she doesn't expect this," Buck reasoned, taking Teresa's hands in his. "Let wait at least a few days, OK? We can still meet at my house." Kid averted his eyes from the couple. He couldn't help the envy he felt towards them. They were carefree, like he and Lou have been at the beginning. He wanted so much to return to that time… finally he rose from the table and headed outside to start his chores. "How are you, really?" Buck asked when he joined him at the barn a few minutes later. Kid shrugged but said nothing. "It's Ok to feel angry," Buck started for him. "This shouldn't be happening to you." "Buck, I don't feel like talking," Kid said and walked away. Buck followed him. "I know you don't want to talk, but I really think you need to." "So now you know what I need?" Kid asked sarcastically. "It's not good to keep things like this inside, Kid. If you do, you will just burst." "Well, if you must know, I'm so angry right now I hate her. Is this what you wanted to hear? I hate my wife!" Kid's voice rose quickly to yelling. "I hate her for losing this baby and I hate her for getting pregnant in the first place! I heard what Teresa said last night, about me being a part of how she got pregnant, but you don't know Lou. I tried to avoid her. I denied her of myself, but when Lou wants something, there's no stopping her. That night when she got pregnant, she promised me it was safe, that it was not that time, but guess what - she learned how to lie so I won't know any different. You had to see her when she told me she was expecting again. She acted like she was surprised, like it wasn't planned, but her eyes shone with happiness." Kid's voice broke into a sob. He breathed heavily, trying to catch his breath. "I couldn't be angry with her then, seeing how happy she was, but I knew then how it would end. I can't take it again. I know she's hurting too, but she's the one who brought it on herself, while I'm being expected to comfort her. Who's going to comfort me? What about me?" Kid was crying freely now. He wasn't ashamed to cry in front of Buck. They were too close of friends to mind. Kid's legs finally gave and he fell to the ground. He leaned his back against the barn wall, Buck sitting next to him. "All I'm thinking about since last night is how I prevent it from happening again." "Have you talked to Lou about how you felt about her getting pregnant again?" Buck asked when Kid's sobs subsided. Kid snorted. "When she has a mind on something, nothing will keep her from getting it. Not even my feelings. She knows how I feel about it. She knows the risks. She doesn't care." "That doesn't sound like Lou at all," Buck remarked. "You haven't been here for four years, Buck. She's changed. Losing seven babies do that to you, I guess." "Well, maybe next time it will be OK." "There won't be a next time, Buck. I'll sleep in another room if I have to, but there won't be another time. I swear that to you." *~*~*~* Lou awoke in the middle of the night. "Kid?" she whispered. He awoke immediately. "What is it, honey?" he whispered back. "What time is it?" "Very late. You slept the whole day." "I lost the baby again." Tears ran down her face. "How are you feeling now?" Kid asked. "Are you still in pain?" Lou shook her head. "Just my heart," she whispered. "I know." Kid whispered as he caressed her face. "I'm sorry, Kid" "I know, Lou." "Why does this keep happening to us?" she sobbed. "I don't know, Lou. Maybe it isn't meant to be." "Don't say that, Kid. Don't give up hope," she begged. "What hope, Lou?" he exclaimed. "I didn't have hope of having a child of our own since the second time you had a miscarriage. I don't want us to try again, and I don't want you to keep that hope either. We should consider other options." "There are no other options, Kid. I want to have a baby. I want it to grow inside of me and give it life. Don't deny me the chance, Kid, please…" Tears choked her. "Lou, I love you, but I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't go through this again." He sat on the bed and pulled his pants on, "go back to sleep. I'll see you in the morning." Lou panicked as she saw him about to leave. "Don't leave me, Kid, please don't go." He said nothing, but kept his back to her. "I have to get some fresh air," he said, "I'll see you in the morning." He left the room and closed the door behind him. Lou's sobs grew more desperate. She could hardly breathe. Eventually, exhaustion took over and she fell asleep. Chapter Four Kid jumped to his feet at some noise. "Sorry," Buck said, "I didn't mean to startle you. You slept here the whole night?" Kid shook his head. "Lou awoke sometime during the night and we started talking. I couldn't sleep afterwards so I came here. I guess I was more tired than I thought." "How's Lou?" Buck asked. "I don't know. The pain subsided, and she's ready to try again." "What do you mean?" "She told me last night she still hadn't given up hope. She still hopes we could have a baby." "What did you do to her?" Both men turned as Teresa stormed in. "What?" Kid asked, confused. "She's crying and wouldn't come down with me. She keeps calling your name and asking that you wouldn't leave her. What did you do to her?" "I did nothing, Teresa. I just needed some time for myself. I'll go up to see her now, alright?" He knocked on the door before entering his room. Lou was curled on the chair by the window, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She wasn't crying, but she didn't turn to face him either. He sat on the bed, his back to her. "How are you feeling?" "Lou?" he tried again when Lou didn't answer. "If you don't want to talk we don't have to. I can go back down…" "No, don't go." She suddenly begged. "Please don't walk out on me again." Kid didn't say anything. "I thought you were never coming back when you left last night. It broke my heart, Kid. I felt like you tore it out of my chest. I couldn't breathe." She waited for him to say something, anything. "Kid? Aren't you going to say anything? Please say something." "What do you want me to say, Lou? You know how I feel about all of this. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm hurting too. It's just that we don't seem to hurt over the same thing. You're hurting for this baby you lost. I'm hurting because I can't make you understand how much I love you and how much I fear you getting pregnant. Nothing, not even a child of my own, is worth this risk, Lou. What would I do with a child if you won't be here with me? I'd rather have you than anything and anybody, even if it means we won't have children of our own. We can adopt…" "Don't say that!" Lou warned through clenched teeth. "Why not, Lou? We are both orphans, and we were not lucky enough to be adopted by a loving couple like us. We had hard lives. We can give orphans like us a chance at a good life." "I don't want to hear about it!" Lou yelled at him, her eyes shooting daggers. "And I don't want to hear of you getting pregnant again," he shouted back. They both remained silent for a few minutes. "Look, Lou, I don't want to fight with you right now. Let's go downstairs and get you something to eat. You haven't eaten anything for a day and a half, and you need your strength." "You go, I'll join you in a few minutes. I need to straighten myself." "You look beautiful." Kid smiled at her and bent next to her chair. "Just remember that I love you, Lou. I've always loved you and I'll always will. I guess I'm doomed…" he smiled, letting her know he was joking. Lou just bit her lip. Kid leaned forward and kissed her lips lightly. He rose and left the room. Lou let out a sigh. She followed him down a couple of minutes later. *~*~*~* Chapter Five The next few days passed quietly. Conversations were about nothing and everything, just never related to the miscarriage. Buck and Teresa remained discreet about their relationship as Kid requested, thought Teresa's patience was running thin. "I don't understand this, Buck. Why can't we act as we feel?" Teresa complained as the two lay in Buck's bed a week later. Her head was resting on his chest which rose and fell with each breath he took. "We do, sweetie, we just do it secretly. You have to admit there's a romantic side to it." Teresa propped on one elbow and stared at him obviously not amused. "I don't want to be with you secretly. I love you, Buck. I want to shout it from the rooftops." Buck sighed and closed his eyes. "I'll discuss it with Kid tomorrow, see what he says. The both of them had a rough time lately…" "I know." Teresa leaned her head on him again. "I don't think he sleeps in their room." "How do you know?" Buck asked, surprise evident in his voice. "When I sneaked in this morning, I saw him coming out of the guest room and returning to his. He saw me and looked alarmed, but didn't say anything. I didn't want to ask…" "I don't know what to tell you, but this last miscarriage really messed them up." "It seems so unfair," Teresa started as she felt tears pricking her eyes. "They both had such hard lives and they survived and found each other. Why can't they just have a normal life from now on?" "Let's go to sleep, Teresa," Buck said, not really knowing how to answer her question, "or are you returning to your room?" "I think I'll stay here." She snuggled closer against his body. "But I'm not tired yet." She let her fingers run down his chest to emphasize what she meant. Buck chuckled and turned to lay above her. "Not tired, huh?" He started kissing her when a knock on the door interrupted. He stopped and looked surprised at her. "You expecting someone?" He rose and put his pants on. "Just a second," he called towards the door. Buck opened the door, making sure the bed was still out of sight. "Lou!" he exclaimed in surprised. Lou was standing in front of him, wrapped in a quilt. He could clearly see the marks the tears left on her face. "I'm looking for Kid, Buck. Is he here with you?" "Kid? No, I haven't seen him since dinner." "I woke up and he wasn't in bed. It's late, but I thought maybe he came here to talk to you." "Sorry, Lou. He's not here." "I don't know what's going on with him. He doesn't even talk to me anymore," Lou confessed and sat on the swing. Buck threw a quick apologizing look at Teresa and went outside to sit with Lou, closing the door behind him. "Buck, I don't know what to do. He says he loves me, but he doesn't even share my bed. And I'm not talking about the intimate part. He literally won't sleep with me. And I don't think tonight is the first time, either. For the last couple of mornings I wake up when I feel him climb into the bed, as if he doesn't want me to find out. I'm beginning to believe he has someone else." "Lou…" Buck was at a loss. "He doesn't have anyone else. He loves you, always have and always will. You must know that." "So, why, Buck?" Buck shrugged. "I really can't say, Lou. The both of you are hurting and I think you need to talk. Not to me, but to each other. I'm here to listen to every time you need, but you have to work on your issues." "You are right, Buck," Lou said, rising to her feet. "I'll talk to him in the morning. Thank you." She kissed his cheek and went back to her house. Buck sighed a sigh of relief, before entering the house. He smiled as he noticed Teresa was already asleep, laying sprawled on the bed. He kissed her as he lay beside her, pulling the covers up. *~*~*~* Lou opened her eyes when she felt Kid laying next to her. "Where have you been?" she asked. Kid turned to her, surprised to see her awake, alarmed at being caught. "What are you doing up?" "What are you doing out of bed?" Kid had the decency to look ashamed. "I know you hadn't been sleeping here for the past few nights." "Lou…" Kid tried to stop her but she put a finger on his lips to shush him. "I woke up in the middle of the night and went to Buck's to look for you. Where have you been?" "I've been sleeping at the guest room," Kid confessed. "Why?" The hurt was evident in her voice. "I don't know, Lou. I just couldn't stay here. I can't honestly say why. I'm sorry if I worried you, it wasn't my intention, but I didn't want to hurt you." "What's happening to us?" Lou asked. "I don't know, Lou. I wish Teaspoon was here. We could really use his advice now." Lou nodded and smiled bitterly. "Please hold me, Kid. I need to know you're still here." Kid pulled her to curl next to him. "I'm here, Lou. I'll never leave you." "Morning." Teresa smiled as Kid and Lou entered the kitchen together, their hands clasped. Kid smiled at her and sat at the table while Lou went to help her with breakfast. "I see you found him." Buck smiled at Lou from his seat at the table. "Yeah," she smiled back, "we found each other." "Are you going to town today?" Teresa asked no one in particular. "We need some supplies, so I guess one of us should," Kid replied. "Well, maybe Buck can go with you," Teresa suggested. "There's no need…" Kid started, but Teresa stopped him. "Buck just said that he needs new boots." "Teresa..." Buck warned. "I think it's a good idea," Lou suddenly said, surprising everybody. "It will give you boys a chance to catch up, as well as the two of us." "You sure you can handle everything by yourselves?" Kid teased. "Careful, Kid…" Lou laughed. *~*~*~* "So, what's going on?" Kid asked as he and Buck rode to town. "What do you mean?" Buck answered. "Why did Teresa want us to go to town together?" "You noticed?" Buck chuckled at Teresa's not to subtle attempt at getting them together. "You and her are growing close?" "I don't see how much closer we can get," Buck answered truthfully. "So, you care about her?" Kid asked cautiously. "I love her, Kid. Are you going to play the big brother part now?" "No." Kid chuckled, "I'm sorry, you're right. Are you going to get public about it?" "You mean, are we going to tell Lou about it?" Kid nodded. "I wanted to talk to you about it, see when the right time will be." "I honestly don't know," Kid answered. "I'm really happy for the both of you, but I'm not sure how Lou will react." "Because of me being…?" Buck asked, hurt evident in his eyes and voice. "No!" Kid cut in quickly. "You know Lou better than that. She doesn't see your color. She's been through a lot lately, as you know, and anyway, she's always been very protective and kind of motherly towards Teresa. I'm not sure how she'll take the fact that Teresa has broken off her engagement and that she's grown rather intimate with you so soon afterwards." Buck nodded in understanding. "I'm not sure how much longer Teresa will remain quiet about this, though. She's getting kind'a restless…" he added with a wink. Kid chuckled. "Buck, she's like a little sister to me, please spare me the details." "All I'll say about it is that if her sister is anything like her, I understand why it's so hard for you to stay away from her…" Kid blushed, but seeing the sincerity in his friend's eye, he relaxed, understanding he wasn't being teased. *~*~*~* Chapter Six Buck was sitting on his swing, nursing a cup of coffee. It's later than usual, he thought, but then smiled as he saw the door to Kid and Lou's house and a figure he knew all too well sneaking out and running the short distance between the two houses. "I thought you weren't going to come tonight." He smiled at her non-smiling face. She was obviously angry at something, but she was still beautiful with her unruly hair and sparkling eyes. She was clad in a quilt, but he knew from experience, there was not much more underneath. He rose to embrace her, but she backed away. "Why didn't you say anything?" she asked accusingly. "What do you mean? Say something about what?" "About us. Didn't you talk to Kid about it?" Buck pulled her into his arms; she reluctantly let him. "I spoke with Kid, but he didn't know what to tell me. I think we should give it some more time. Did you tell her you broke your engagement to George?" Teresa blushed. "I wanted to, but she got all excited about the wedding plans I didn't have the heart to tell her." "And you honestly think it's better to simply tell her about us, before she knows there won't be a wedding? You have to tell her, Teresa. She's making all these plans and she's starting making arrangements. She'll feel like we made a fool of her if you won't tell her soon." "You're right. I don't know why, but I'm scared of her reaction." "I'm sure she'll be happy for us eventually." Teresa said nothing, but took Buck's hand in hers and led him inside. *~*~*~* "Kid, is Buck seeing anyone?" Lou asked from the window. She just went to close it as it got colder, and saw Buck and someone else in a hug before entering the house. Kid started coughing. "He didn't mention it to me," Kid answered. Lou shrugged. "Well, make sure you ask him about it in the morning," she said. "Why do you care so much?" Kid asked. "Normally, I wouldn't care what he's doing and who he's seeing, but with Teresa's wedding coming up, I don't want her fiancé get the wrong impression on our family." "Lou, stop worrying so much. Just come to bed, alright? I'll try to answer him about it tomorrow, but I'm not sure what answer I'll get." "Just don't do it too obvious." Lou smiled as she lay on the bed beside him, before kissing his lips softly. *~*~*~* "You must be more careful, Buck," Kid said hastily when he met his friend on the porch before breakfast. "Lou saw Teresa and you last night. She doesn't know it was her, but she's getting suspicious." Buck looked alarmed. "We thought everyone were asleep." "She just went to shut the window since it got colder. Either tell her or keep it totally to yourselves. Don't leave her discovering it to chance." "You're right." Buck sighed. "Are you boys coming in or shall we bring you the food outside?" Lou's cry came. They chuckled and headed in. *~*~*~* "But I don't want to keep it a secret any longer." Teresa pouted as she and Buck sat curled together in one of the stalls. "So go on and tell her. Tell her you broke things off with George, that there is no wedding to plan. Go on," Buck told her, getting exasperated. He was trying to explain things to her for the last fifteen minutes, and she acted like a spoiled child. "Teresa, there's nothing I want more than to walk with you in front of the whole world and shout to the skies how much I love you, but we have to talk to her first." "Alright, alright." Teresa flung her hands in the air in annoyance. "I'll speak to her after dinner." "You're putting it off again. Why not speaking to her now?" He chuckled when he noticed fear in her eyes. "I'll be right here. I'll come to your rescue if you need it." She kissed him lightly and rose to her feet determinedly. "It's now or never." "Lou, are you in here?" Teresa called as she entered the house. "In the kitchen," Lou called back. "I'm making samples for you to pick your wedding cake from." Lou smiled when Teresa walked in. "Lou," Teresa started uncomfortably. "There's something I need to talk to you about." "Well, sit down, honey." Lou took her sister's hand in hers and led her to sit by the table, feeling there was something important the girl needed to talk to her about. "Is it wedding jitters?" Teresa shook her head. "No, it's not that." "Well, what is it? Are you worried about your wedding night?" Lou whispered the last part, her cheeks aflame. "Lou!" Teresa exclaimed, shocked and embarrassed. "That's not that at all." She took a deep breath before she laid the bomb. "There's not going to be a wedding." "What do you mean, Teresa?" Lou asked baffled. "I'm not marrying George. I broke the engagement off a few days ago." "Why?" Lou was too stunned to say anything else. Everything seemed so wonderful in the letters Teresa sent her from Seneca. And he was just there for dinner the other night. "I don't love him, Lou. I met someone else and I'm in love with him. I've never felt towards George what I feel about this man," Teresa confessed. "But I don't understand, Teresa. In your letters you kept telling me how in love you were and how excited you were about the wedding. When did you even get a chance to meet anyone else? And who is it? And if you've already knew there was someone else, why did poor George have to make this trip all the way here?" "Lou, slow down." Teresa had to smile, though she knew her sister was not amused at all. "I thought I was in love with George. You met him - he's a nice man and all, but he didn't excite me. Only when I met this other man, did I realize that I actually knew nothing. Lou," Teresa's eyes were shining as she started telling Lou about her new love. "This man excites me. He makes me tremble. I can't stop thinking about him and when I'm with him, I feel like there's nothing and no one else in the world, only him and me. He makes me feel special and worthy. He makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world he's ever been with and…" "So he had other women before you?" Lou asked carefully. "He is older, Lou. I don't know how many exactly, but he had a few." "A few!" Lou exclaimed, "and what do you mean by 'been with'?" "What, don't tell me you were Kid's first, Lou. It's different for men." "I was Kid's first!" Lou said rather firmly. "And what do you mean by 'been with', Teresa?" "Oh, Lou, don't be so prudish. It's not like you and Kid waited until after your wedding…" "Teresa," Lou sighed. "Please tell me you didn't… the situation between Kid and I was different and we knew each other for a while before we started… you know what. How long can you possibly know this man? You've been with George until just a few days ago." "Lou, remember when I was supposed to come back and then wired you that I would need a couple more months?" Lou nodded. "I met him a couple of days before and decided to stay with him for some time. We weren't in Seneca and I didn't want to break things up with George in a letter. We discussed his visit here before I left Seneca, and I decided to do it when he came here, and that's exactly what I did." "If you weren't in Seneca, where were you?" Lou asked surprised. "Here and there." Teresa smiled. "We traveled." "So, you're telling me you now have a relationship with a man you know for just over a couple of months, and you've already given yourself to him?" Lou asked incredulously. "I've known him for longer than that, Lou." Teresa smiled. "It's Buck." "Buck?" Lou cried. "Our Buck?" Teresa nodded, not quite knowing what to make of her sister's reaction. "Buck?" Lou asked again, shaking her head. "Are you out of your mind?" she suddenly yelled. At her words, Teresa squared her shoulders. "Teresa, I love Buck like a brother, but your relationship… it's just… not right," Lou was searching for the right words. "Why?" Teresa insisted. "We love each other. Isn't it all that matters?" Just then Kid and Buck entered the kitchen; the girls still oblivious to them. "No, it's not, Teresa," Lou exclaimed. "Why?" Teresa yelled back. "What else do we need to be together? Is it because of his blood?" "How can you ask that?" Lou was shocked. "He's like a brother to me. I trust him with my life and I'd lay mine for him. How can you think that?" "Then what is it, Lou? What's so wrong with us being together?" "He's twelve years older than you!" Lou cried finally. "So what?" Lou spun around, her face reddening fast at Buck's question. "So what, Lou?" he repeated. "She's a child, Buck. You're a grown man. She can't make up her mind. Look at the last events, Buck. A couple of months ago she was so excited about getting married to George and then she met you and changed her mind. How do you know she won't change her mind again?" "I won't, Lou, I love him." Teresa was already in tears. "And what if she does?" Buck said, surprising everyone. "What if she does? Can you guarantee anything in life? You and Kid had your share of troubles, everybody has. All I can guarantee right now is that I love your sister, Lou." "But you've known her since she was a little girl, Buck. You're like a big brother or an uncle to her. It's too weird." "No it's not, Lou. It's true, when she was younger I cared for her like you say, but I haven't seen her for a few years and when I met her again, as a grown woman, I fell in love with her. The same love you have for Kid. I love her as a woman, Lou, not as a little girl." "But…" Lou started, but words left her. "I…" she tried again. "Lou, drop it," Kid spoke for the first time. "You knew about it?" Lou asked incredulously. Kid averted his eyes from her. "You had too much on your mind, Lou. We didn't want to upset you." "So you too think it's wrong. You knew I'd be upset about it." "No, Lou. This is not what I mean." Kid shook his head. "I'm happy for Buck and Teresa. I feel more at ease knowing she's with Buck, who I know and trust, than some man I know nothing about." "You're all against me," Lou suddenly exclaimed. "Lou." Kid held her by her shoulders and forced her to look in his eyes. "It's not about you. No one is against you. Buck and Teresa deserve to have our support in this and in any other decision they make because we're their family and we love them." "No!" Lou broke free of his hold on her. "I won't. I will not consent to this." "Well, then, it's your problem, Lou, because no one is asking for you," Buck remarked before storming out, Teresa on his heels. *~*~*~* Chapter Seven Kid undressed and climbed on the bed. Lou was already curled inside, her back to him. He sighed as he watched her, her shoulders shaking in her silent cry. He wanted so much to touch her, to caress her, but he was still angry and confused. He didn't understand her outburst with Buck and Teresa. He was sure she would be surprised, but happy for them once the news registered. But this… he never expected this from her. "Lou?" he called softly when, after a few minutes, her sobbing didn't subside. "Do you want to talk about it?" When she didn't answer he lay on the bed and turned his back to her. "You lied to me, Kid," she said after a few minutes of silence. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. She was right about that. Only last night she asked him about it and he flat out lied. He had never lied to her before. "I'm sorry about that," he answered, his back still to her. "Why?" she asked, the hurt obvious in her voice. "I don't know, Lou. I wanted to protect you and…" "Protect me from what, Kid?" Lou exclaimed. "From knowing my sister is seeing Buck? You said you don't think there's anything wrong with it, so what was there to protect me from?" she asked sarcastically. "Don't start that again, Lou," Kid begged. "I didn't want you to be stressed by anything…" "How long have you known?" Lou cut him. "I was suspicious, but I knew for sure since after the dinner with George. After you went to sleep Teresa told me she broke off the engagement to George." "That was the same night that…" "Yeah." Kid sighed, tears pricking his eyes. He turned to face Lou's back and turned her to watch him. "Lou, I'm sorry I lied to you. I shouldn't have, but I was thinking of you. I love you, and I don't want to fight." "Well, it's too late for that." Lou snapped angrily and turned her back to him again. Kid remained watching her, stunned by her willingness to keep on the fight. He closed his eyes and turned to face the other side. *~*~*~* Nothing changed over the next few days: Teresa moved into Buck's house and the both of them avoided Lou and the main house, Kid and Lou still weren't talking, though they still shared the same bed. Lou felt isolated, but refused to back down. She missed her husband and sister, but was too proud to admit she might have overreacted to the whole thing. Buck and Teresa, though sure of their love and their righteousness, were also affected. Every night Teresa would fall asleep, crying her heart out. Buck's heart broke at seeing his love so miserable, and he was furious at Lou. He couldn't understand, for the life of him, what made her so against them. She was one of his closest friends, practically a sister, and yet she was so negative about the prospect of her sister and him. He was glad at least Kid was happy for them. Buck confided in him, telling him how much he loved Teresa and that he intended to propose soon. Kid beamed and shook his hand warmly, with a wink, welcoming him to the family as a 'legal' member. *~*~*~* It had been a month since the last time Lou and Teresa spoke. Kid and Buck often talked about it, but since not much was said between Kid and Lou either, there wasn't much Kid could do to fix the situation. Dinner at Kid and Lou's house was a quiet event. They were barely speaking and the only conversation going on was about the ranch in general and supplies Lou needed from town. Lou barely left the house these days, afraid she'd run into her sister or Buck. She felt lonely and angry at the world, but she wouldn't let anyone know that. Kid on the other hand was just as upset with her. He admitted he made a mistake by not telling her on the first night she found out, and he said he was sorry. What else was she expecting of him? It was like she wanted to be angry, like it fueled her, and it enraged him. Their marriage was at risk at this point. He didn't know how much more of this he could take. It was the worst time of his life, even worse that when he was a boy in Virginia. He was so angry with her he wasn't even sure he loved her any longer, and that thought scared him to death. He didn't want to make a drastic move, one they would not recover from, so he stayed in the house and came back to their shared bed every night. *~*~*~* Teresa sighed and looked down on her finger. The ring Buck gave her was beautiful. The most beautiful ring she'd ever seen. She loved him so much she thought she was going to burst, but there was something missing - her sister's blessing. She wrote to Jeremiah, telling him about her and Buck and about the situation with Louise. He wrote back, telling her how excited he was for her for finally meeting her true love, though he couldn't understand Louise's reaction. Maybe it's the hormones, he wrote. Teresa was willing to consider even that. Maybe the hormones from the pregnancy got the better of her sister, but there was no excuse to the fact that even now, almost two months after she found out, and even more than that since the miscarriage, Louise still didn't apologize for her behavior. The wedding day was approaching fast, only a week to go. At first, Teresa considered waiting for her sister's approval, but understanding this might never be, and with the doctor's news, there was no point in delaying it. They opted on a small service with just a handful of friends. They heard from Jimmy and Cody as well as Jeremiah. Them and Kid were enough. They were the only ones that really mattered, well, aside from Louise, Teresa thought bitterly. She shook herself, not wanting to think of her sister any more. Her fingers played with the ring and a smile crossed her face as she remembered that magical afternoon when Buck proposed. They went on a picnic in the meadow. Wild flowers in yellow, red and pink welcomed them like a blanket. Buck brought a bottle of wine to accompany the sandwiches Teresa made. When they finished their meal, they lay on the blanket and admired the blue, cloudless sky. Buck propped on one elbow and looked at her intently, his finger tracing the lines of her face. He kissed her lips lightly, then her closed lids, the tip of her nose, and then her lips again, this time, more demandingly. She answered the kiss, and soon they were making slow, passionate love. "I love you, Tessi," Buck said as they lay in each other's arms. "I love you too, Buck," she responded. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you, but I'm too tired to do it the old traditional way." "What do you mean?" she looked in his eyes. "I was planning on getting down on one knee and doin' it right, but please forgive me for remaining laying like this when I ask you to marry me." Teresa tensed in his arms, surprised. He chuckled at her response. "What? Don't tell me you didn't expect this." When she didn't answer he continued, "I love you and you love me. We've already established that. Now, I don't see anywhere else this relationship can go besides down the aisle, so why are we delaying it?" "Well, that's romantic," Teresa said sarcastically. "I'm trying my best here, Teresa," Buck apologized with a smile. "So, what do you say?" "Well, since there is no other choice…" she teased. "Maybe this will help you make up your mind," he reached inside the basket and pulled out a small box, which he handed her. She gasped as she opened the box and took out the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen. Buck took the ring from her and slid it on her finger. "Teresa McCloud, will you do me the honor and marry me?" She looked at him for just a second before kissed him deeply. "Yes!" she cried. "I'll marry you, Buck Cross." *~*~*~* Chapter Eight Kid was looking in the body length mirror in their bedroom, combing his hair, when Lou entered. She sat on the bed and watched him. "You're going, then?!" she stated angrily. "Of course I am, Lou," he said, matter of factly, watching her in the mirror. "You can come too," he suggested cautiously. She shot daggers at him. "You know damn well I'm not coming. I thought at least today you'd stand by me, take my side in this." "It's not about taking sides, Lou," he exhaled. "I think you're wrong about this, that's all. Buck is my friend and family, and so is Teresa. I'm happy for them and I wish them all the best. I'm going to stand by Buck today and give him all the support he needs and deserve. It's a shame no one's going to stand by Teresa today." Kid watched her intently. "You're letting your pride take control on you, Lou," he said softly, trying to penetrate her walls. "I believe you feel like you climbed too high a tree, and you don't know how to climb down. This is your chance Lou. No one will question you today, and you won't even have to apologize. Just showing up will be enough for Buck and Teresa." "You think you have it all figured up, don't you, Kid?" Lou replied arrogantly, rising to her feet. "You always think you know everything. You always have the answer. Well, not this time. You can go, do whatever you want, hell, you don't even have to come back." She was screaming now. Kid was shocked. He closed the gap between them in one stride and held her shoulders firmly. "What are you saying, Lou? If I'm going you don't want me to come back?" He was shaking her with rage. Lou blinked back the tears, but she couldn't erase the panic from her face. Kid let go of her in an instant, and she fell to the floor. "I'm sorry, Lou," he said, confused at his own reaction and anger. She looked up at him, hate in her eyes. "I'll see you tonight," he said before he left the room. *~*~*~* Kid took a deep breath before he opened his front door and stepped outside. He was supposed to pick up Buck to the church, and he was already late. He ran the distance, relieved to see the buckboard was already hitched outside Buck's house. Buck was waiting for him on the porch. "Thought you stood me up," he laughed. "Not in your life." Kid smiled back, though the smile didn't reach the eyes. "She wouldn't come?" Buck asked, disappointed. Her truly believed Lou would change her mind, for her sister's sake. Kid shook his head solemnly. "Let's not think about Lou now. We should think about your wedding. Let's go, my sister in-law is waiting…" *~*~*~* If Jimmy and Cody were surprised Lou was not present, they didn't let on. The three of them stood next to Buck when Jeremiah led his younger sister along the aisle. Buck smiled, confidently. He had never seen Teresa as beautiful as she looked then. "I love you," he mouthed when she reached him and turned to face him. *~*~*~* After the ceremony, they all gathered over at Buck's in the front yard. Kid looked up when they arrived at the ranch and could have sworn he saw a curtain movement in his bedroom window. He contemplated whether he should go up there or not, but then Cody called out to him, and he got caught in the conversation. "So, where is Lou?" Cody asked when it was just the three of them left. Buck and Teresa went to Seneca after the reception, and Jeremiah and his wife entered the house for the night. "Cody!" Jimmy warned him, recognizing the agony on Kid's face. "What? It's strange she wasn't here at her sister's wedding," Cody answered innocently. "Well, she wasn't here, Cody," Kid sighed. "Just drop the subject." "Well, we'd better head to town," Jimmy said, pulling Cody with him. "We'll see you in the morning?" he asked Kid. Kid nodded. "Lou will be happy to see you. Just don't mention Buck and Teresa." Jimmy nodded in understanding. "See you in the morning, then." Kid sighed and watched them leave. He hung his head and went to his house, hoping Lou was already asleep. *~*~*~* "Hi, beautiful." Jimmy smiled from the kitchen door. Lou turned and gave him a weak smile. He crossed the rooms and gave her a big hug. "I missed you," he whispered to her. "You are not mad at me?" Lou asked, pulling away from the hug. "Why would I be?" he asked back. "Well, it seems to be the new sport around here," she remarked nastily. He sighed but kept the smile on his face. He knew all about what went on with the newlyweds, her and her husband, but he opted to stay out of it. He didn't think she was right, but felt like she could use a friend no matter how wrong she was. That's what family is all about, he thought, sticking by someone no matter how wrong they are. Lord knows the numerous times she stood by him when he was on the wrong side. "Have you seen Kid?" she asked. "Can you go and tell him breakfast is ready?" They ate breakfast quickly, Kid and Jimmy catching up. Lou remained silent throughout the meal, not sure her status with her husband. Kid finished eating and excused himself. "I have to get back to work," he apologized to Jimmy. "With Buck gone, I have twice the work load." "Do you need any help?" Jimmy offered. Kid shook his head. "No, thanks. You should enjoy your vacation. Maybe you and Lou could go someplace. I believe she could use the change in scenery. I'll see you at lunch?" "Sure, Kid." Jimmy smiled at his friend, as he felt Lou fuming behind him. "How dare he?" Lou let out through clenched teeth. "How dare he speak for me!!!" "I think he only wanted to help, Lou." "That doesn't change the fact that he…" "Stop it, Lou. You don't have to get this upset over nothing. Let's take his suggestion and go for a walk. What do you say?" "Actually, I'd rather ride." "Alright, then. I'll saddle your horse. Meet me outside in fifteen?" He left the house, not waiting for her response, not giving her a chance to back out. *~*~*~* Chapter Nine It was a beautiful day, and Lou couldn't help but feel a little better. She was surprised when Kid suggested that she and Jimmy have a day off together. She knew he was always wary of her friendship with his best friend, that he was jealous. When she thought about it some more, she started feeling hurt. He must really not care about me anymore, if he tossed me away to Jimmy, she thought wryly. Jimmy noticed the sadness that crossed her face. "What is it, Lou?" he asked. Lou shrugged and said nothing. They rode in silence until they reached a clearing. Lou got off her horse quickly and ran away from him, sobbing. Her foot tripped on something, and she fell to the ground, still sobbing. Jimmy watched her for a few minutes, giving her time to collect herself. When it was obvious she wasn't going to calm down anytime soon, he approached her slowly, giving her time to tell him to stay away and was surprised that she let him get close to her. He reached down and touched her shoulder. At the touch, she turned to him and buried her face in his chest. She cried like that, held in his arms for long moments. Jimmy caressed her hair and kissed the top of her head, telling her everything was going to be all right. Louise couldn't remember the last time she felt this safe, and Jimmy's murmurs and caresses finally did their job. "Thank you, Jimmy," she whispered. "Are you ok?" he asked, putting a finger under her chin and lifting her eyes to meet his. Lou shook her head. "Kid is really mad at me," she started the confession. "With all that's been going on and me not approving of Buck and Teresa…." "Why aren't you? They seem to be so happy," Jimmy remarked. Lou sniffed her nose. "It just doesn't feel right, Jimmy. She's too young for him and he's too old for her. What if in a couple of years he would get sick and…" "Lou," Jimmy started laughing, "What if, what if. And what if anything might happen to you? Has that thought ever stopped you from doing what you wanted? You wanted to leave the orphanage to make a better life for your siblings, even though you knew little to nothing at all about the world outside and you did it; you wanted to join the express, even though they weren't hiring women, and you did it, despite all the risks. You want to have a baby and you keep trying, even though you know it might kill you." "You've been talking to Kid," she remarked angrily. Jimmy shook his head guiltily. "He's worried about you, Lou. We all are, even Buck and Teresa. We don't understand your reasoning. All we see is a young couple with a chance at love." Lou looked down at her lap, her head resting on Jimmy's chest. His long hair tinkled her face as it fell from behind his ears when he looked down at her and she giggled. She brought her eyes to meet his and found in them only the deep love she knew was there. Not the resentment and betrayal and disappointment she saw in her husbands eyes these days. Before she realized what she was doing, she kissed Jimmy's lips, ever so lightly at first, but then her hand came to rest on his neck, pulling him closer to her. It took Jimmy a few seconds to realize what was happening and who the woman he was kissing so deeply was, and by then Lou's hand was roaming down his chest under his shirt. "Lou!" he exclaimed and jumped to his feet, rinsing his lips with his sleeve. "W… what…?" She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, the hurt evident on her face. "Don't you want me, Jimmy?" she asked, moving closer to him. "I remember a time when you wanted me badly." "Lou!" He held his hand to keep her away from him. "What are you doing?" "I need you, Jimmy. I need to feel loved. Please make love to me," she pleaded. Jimmy shook his head, unbelievingly. "No, Lou. What are you thinking? You're married to my best friend!" Lou let out a bitter laugh. "Ha! That's a laugh. Some husband he is. Taking up against me on practically anything. You know he doesn't even share my bed? He doesn't touch me anymore. He doesn't want to make love to me anymore. He doesn't kiss me…" Finally she broke into sobs, her whole body shaking. Jimmy stood dumbstruck. He didn't know if he should go to her or not. He didn't want to give her the wrong idea. Yes, he loved her, but he got over his desire for her. She was his best friend's wife. "Lou," he finally said as he approached her and crouched down. "Maybe we should go back. It's getting late." She didn't look at him. With one movement she rose and mounted her horse. She didn't wait for Jimmy to follow, but sprung the horse into full speed ride. Jimmy hurriedly mounted his own horse and followed. *~*~*~* Kid looked baffled as he watched Lou riding in like the devil was after her, dismounting in front of the house, running up the stairs and slamming the door behind her. Less than a minute later Jimmy rode in. Kid approached Jimmy as dismounted. "What happened?" he asked worriedly. "Kid, you really need to spend more time with your wife," Jimmy started as he took both horses into the stables. "What did she say to you?" Kid persisted. "She's miserable, Kid. She don't think you love her anymore. She told me you didn't sleep together any longer." "She told you that?" Kid exclaimed. "Kid, she needs you, now more than ever. She feels everybody is against her." "You know, she brought it up on herself, Jimmy. It's not like anyone here is on a witch hunt." "I know that, Kid. But it's how she feels. If you care, like you say you do, and I believe you do, go up there now and talk to her." "I can't, Jimmy. I'm too angry with her." "She kissed me, Kid," Jimmy finally exclaimed, not knowing how else to get through to his friend. "She did what?" "She kissed me." Jimmy repeated. "She kissed you!" Kid cried. "And what did you do?" Jimmy looked at his hands. "I kissed her back at first, just until I realized who it was that I was kissing. I didn't let it go on for more than a second." Jimmy stopped for a minute, giving Kid the time to digest what he just told him. Then he continued, "Kid, she's confused. Go up there and talk to her." Kid looked at him, thinking hard. Without saying a word, he went outside of the stables towards his house. *~*~*~* Chapter Ten Kid opened the door to his bedroom. He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness in the room. The curtains were pulled down, and no lantern was lit. He spotted Lou on the bed. She lay with her back to the door, and he could hear her soft crying. She sounded weak and hopeless. Without saying a word, he lay behind her on the bed and hugged her. "I'm sorry, Lou," he said as he kissed her head. She stiffened at his touch, her breath caught. He hugged her closer, and grabbed a hold on her hands. "Lou, I'm sorry for not being here for you. I love you." Still, there was no response from her. He decided to give her time, and just lay with her, curled up against his body. *~*~*~* Lou woke sometime during the night. She knew she must have slept for hours, but still she was exhausted. She felt a heavy arm pinning her down. She turned her head to find Kid's face close to hers. She smiled and turned, closing her eyes and falling back to sleep. *~*~*~* Her stirring woke him up. He opened his eyes to meet hers. Lou smiled at him shyly, as if it was the first time they woke up in the same bed. "How did you sleep?" she asked nervously. "Best sleep I had for the past few weeks." He smiled at her. She kissed his lips lightly; her eyes opened, checking his reaction. He smiled as she pulled away, and licked his lips. Then he pulled her into a more passionate kiss. They pulled away after a couple of minutes, both panting. "I missed you," Lou confessed, her forehead resting on his. "I missed you too," Kid whispered back, his voice husky with emotion. "I'm sorry for not being here with you." "I'm sorry too, Kid. I don't know what came over me with Buck and Teresa's news. I shouldn't have said all those things." "It will be alright, honey. Buck and Teresa will be back from St. Joe in a couple of days, and you can apologize to them." Lou nodded, but then cast her eyes downwards shamefully. "I kissed Jimmy, Kid," she confessed. "I kissed him and asked him make love to me." Kid cringed at her words, surprised to learn just how close he really was to losing her. "I know. Jimmy told me," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Kid," she cried. "I have no excuse for that. I just felt so lonely lately, and I needed to feel loved again. Can you forgive me?" Kid closed his eyes. When he opened them, there were tears brimming in them. He nodded, not trusting his voice. Lou buried her face in his chest and cried for a few more minutes. After awhile he wrapped her arms around her, assuring her that he was still there with her. *~*~*~* Buck and Teresa came back a couple of days later. Lou saw them pulling up in front of their house and decided to give them a few minutes to settle down before she paid them her visit. Ten minutes later, she tapped on the door sheepishly. Teresa opened the door. Lou smiled meekly at her, but Teresa's face remained stoic. "What do you want?" Teresa asked boldly. "I… I came here to apologize to you and Buck," Lou answered nervously, her eyes downcast, her hands fumbling with her skirt. "I'm not sure I care anymore," Teresa answered. "Please, Tessi," Lou begged, using Teresa's childhood nickname. "Please let me say how sorry I am. I know I was wrong…" "Who is it, Teresa?" Buck asked as he came to the door. Teresa opened the door wider to allow him better view. "My sister," she told her husband, the contempt clear in her voice. Buck, unlike Teresa, smiled when he saw Lou at the door. "I take it you came here to apologize," he addressed Lou. Lou nodded. "I'm so very sorry for how I behaved. I am happy for you. I love you both so much." "Couldn't you realize this a few days ago, before the wedding?" Teresa cried. "I needed you there, Louise. You let me down. I don't know how I'll be able to forgive you for this." Lou's tears were flowing freely, and she didn't even try to stop them. "I'm sorry for that as well. I'm sorry for everything, Tessi. I don't know how I can ever make it up to you." "You can start by being there when I have the baby," Teresa said, her own eyes brimming with tears. "What baby?" Lou asked in surprise. "You mean… really?" she looked from Teresa to Buck who smiled and nodded. "We suspected it before the wedding, but we confirmed it in St. Joe," Buck told her. "How long?" Lou asked. "Just a couple of months," Teresa answered, still suspicious of her sister. "That's wonderful, Teresa. You must be so excited!" Lou wanted so much to hug her sister, but was wary of the reaction she would get. To her relief, Buck was the one to break the tension when he pulled her into a bear hug. "Welcome back," he said with a huge grin. "Thank you," Lou whispered, almost overwhelmed with emotion. When he broke the hug, Buck motioned for his wife to come closer. "Lou," he started, "I can't talk for Teresa here, but I hold no grudge." Teresa fidgeted a bit, but then she also hugged her sister. "I love you, Louise. I was so scared this fight would last." Lou pulled away. "Thank you," she smiled, relieved. "Now, since I didn't celebrate your wedding properly, I would like to make a special dinner for you. Jimmy is still here, so we can have a small celebration. What do you say?" "That will be great, Lou." Buck smiled. "Good, I'll see you later, then." Lou turned and walked to her house, her heart much lighter than it had been over the past few weeks. *~*~*~* Chapter Eleven The time for Teresa and Buck's baby to be born was getting close. Lou smiled as she looked at the tiny baby clothes she bought for the baby. She couldn't help but feel a little jealous of her younger sister. It wasn't that she was not happy for her, because she was. But Lou's inability to have a child was all the more emphasized. Kid noticed the sad glint in her eyes every time Teresa spoke about the baby, but there was nothing he could do beside hold her hand and be there for her. The whole situation affected him as well, but he was happy for his friend, and chose to put his energy to this, instead of dwelling on what would never be. Things between him and Lou returned to normal. As the time passed, she started smiling and laughing more often, and he got his old Lou back, the one he fell in love with. Truth be told, there were still times she infuriated him, but then, she always did, and he wouldn't have her any other way. Still, he kept his distance in bed. She tried to initiate things, but he always found an excuse. They never talked about what happened, or the reasons for his restraint, but every night there was that unmentioned tension. Kid felt more comfortable expressing his affection to Lou during the day, or even in public, when he knew she wouldn't try to make anything more of it. Lou was becoming more and more frustrated with that. She knew he loved her, but she needed more. She still hoped one day she would hold her own child in her arms. A little girl for Kid to spoil or a small boy with blue eyes and sandy hair. She tried to understand Kid's reasoning, she really did, but she couldn't, for the life of her, understand how he could give up. Since they got together, they always spoke of how much they wanted to have their own kids, and for the last few years, it seemed he'd given up on their dream. "What are you thinking about?" Kid asked as he came to stand closer to her. "I was just thinking of these clothes," Lou said, faking a smile. "Look how tiny they are." Kid smiled. "What did you expect?" "I know, but it seems so odd a person can be this small. It looks like doll clothes." "It's amazing, isn't it?" Kid took the clothes from her hands and put it aside. He hugged her and kissed the top of her head. Lou's eyes begun to tear. "I wish we could have had one of our own, Kid." Kid sighed and kissed her lips softly. "You know it's not going to happen, Lou. We've tried too many times." Lou looked into his eyes and saw tears beginning there as well. Suddenly the truth dawned on her. All of a sudden, she was ready to accept the reality. She was never going to have a child of her own. Nothing would ever grow inside of her. Nothing would ever fill in the void that was in her belly and in her soul. She buried her face in Kid's shirt and cried. Kid tried to hold his own tears at bay, but finally he gave up. He fell to the floor, pulling Lou with him. He sat her in his lap and both of them cried in each other's arms. "I want to adopt, Kid," Lou said finally, spent from the crying. Kid looked up at her. Her eyes were red and swollen, and he had a feeling his didn't look better. He simply nodded at her statement. "I want to go to the orphanage in St. Joe," she continued. "I want to go as soon as possible after Teresa's baby is born." *~*~*~* A couple of weeks later, Teresa stood with her baby in her arms and waved good bye to Kid and Lou as the couple drove the buckboard out of the ranch yard. "We haven't discussed what we're going to do, Lou," Kid started after a few minutes of silence. "I don't really know what I want, Kid," she answered truthfully. "I want more than one." "How many did you have in mind?" Kid smiled warmly at her. "Half a dozen, maybe." She smiled back. Kid coughed, surprised. "Let's settle on half of that," he said. "I don't know, Kid. We've always talked about a house full of children." "We'll see," he said, not committing to anything. *~*~*~* "So, how is this going to happen?" Kid asked as the both of them set at the head office of the orphanage. He clasped Lou's hand in his, his thumb caressing her soft skin. "First, Mr. McCloud, I would like to speak with you. I would like to know about you, then we will discuss the possibilities," the nun answered with politely. Lou looked around the office. As a young girl, while she was still staying at the orphanage, she visited the office frequently. Now, from a new perspective, it didn't look as big and intimidating as it did when she was twelve, and the nun was younger than herself. Lou cleared her throat. "I used to live here with my brother and my sister when I was twelve. That's why I wanted to come here. I wasn't lucky enough to be adopted. I guess people prefer to adopt younger kids." The nun smiled understandingly. "How long have you been married?" "We're married for almost thirteen years now," Kid said proudly. "We have a ranch near Sweetwater. Louise's sister, Teresa, and her husband live there with us." "And why is it that you decided you wanted to adopt?" the nun questioned. Kid gazed at Lou worriedly, but she held her head high. "We weren't blessed with children of our own," she said softly. "We can give other children a chance at a better life." The nun nodded understandingly. "What age did you have in mind?" "What do you mean?" Kid asked puzzled. "The children, Mr. McCloud. How old do you want them?" "We haven't really thought about that," Lou said awkwardly. Suddenly she felt out of place, like maybe they should have planned it some more, but the nun just kept smiling. Obviously, it wasn't the first time she met such a clueless couple. "We have children of all ages up to the age of sixteen. We also have small babies. I'm sorry I sound like I'm giving you an inventory list… maybe it would be best if you just spend some time around here, see if anyone makes some special connection with you." Kid and Lou nodded, and the nun led them to the yard. Children of all ages were playing outside, some in groups, others alone. Kid and Lou sat on a bench under a tree and watched for several moments in silence. Suddenly Lou grabbed Kid's hand as a small girl in a pink dress came running into the yard. The girl couldn't have been over three. She had blond hair that reached to the middle of her back, and huge green eyes. The girl tripped as she ran and started to cry. Lou hurried towards her and picked her up, cooing to her. Lou hugged the little girl and kissed her head. When the child relaxed, Lou wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at her. "Hi," she said softly. "I'm Louise. What's your name?" "Beth. Beth Larenson." "Hi, Beth." Lou laughed softly at the girl's seriousness. "I'm Louise McCloud." "Are you here to take one of us with you?" Beth asked. Lou knew she had to be careful with her answer. She still wasn't sure of the whole process of the adoption, and she still had to consult Kid on that, but she knew she was already deeply in love with the little girl in her arms. She decided to try the evasive approach. "Do you want to know a secret?" she asked mysteriously. Beth nodded eagerly. Lou pointed at Kid. "You see the man sitting there?" Beth looked to where Lou was pointing. A big man sat there ,the biggest man she'd ever seen. At first she was startled, but seeing his handsome smile and soft eyes she relaxed a bit. She nodded to Lou's question. "He has the funniest name you've ever heard. His name's Kid." Beth looked questioningly at Lou, not quite believing a grown person would be named that. Lou laughed and motioned for Kid to come to where they were. He rose from the bench and approached them. Beth hid behind Lou, who tried hard to restrain her giggles at the girl's behavior. "This is Beth," she told Kid when he reached them. "Hello, Beth," Kid said in a soft voice, extending his hand for her to shake. "My name's Kid." Beth giggled and looked shocked at Lou, who nodded. Beth reached her small hand to shake Kid's. He locked his eyes with Lou's and she saw he was as taken by the girl as she was. *~*~*~* Lou glanced at Kid who drove the buckboard. He was deep in thought, his forehead wrinkled and his eyes squinted. Her heart filled with the love she felt for him. She was thankful that he was still with her after everything she'd put him through over the past few months. She hoped now everything would be better. She looked at the buckboard bed at the two small children lying there, and remembered a similar trip they made more than ten years before. Then there were Teresa and Jeremiah that slept peacefully like that. Now there were Beth and her brother Joshua, who was a year older then her. When Lou and Kid had returned to the head nun's office, they'd already made up their mind. They knew that if it would be possible, they would take Beth home with them. The nun told them that Beth had an older brother at the orphanage, and they decided it was better to take the both of them together than rip the siblings apart. They felt they heart had enough love and space to accommodate the two kids. Lou couldn't wait to see her sister again. It had been less than a week since they left, and she missed her sister and her new baby, Sarah-Louise. Lou giggled at the thought of the little baby named after her. "What's so funny?" Kid asked her, tickling her waist. "I was thinking about Sarah-Louise." She laughed, backing away from his tickling as far as she could on the buckboard bench. "And I was thinking about us. How lucky we are to have found these two wonderful children." "They truly are wonderful, aren't they?" Kid agreed. "I just hope they'll be happy with us." "Of course they will, Kid." Lou smiled and kissed his cheek lightly, before she glanced back at the buckboard's bed, checking on the sleeping children. "They're fine, Lou. Stop doing that. They are just sleeping," Kid couldn't manage to hide the grin that spread on his face. "You're beginning to behave like me." "Oh, shut up." Lou slapped him affectionately. *~*~*~* Chapter Twelve Lou watched from the porch of their house as her husband walked with the two children towards the house. Beth was sitting on his shoulders, while Joshua ran around the walking Kid in circles, until Kid had to hold him still, so he wouldn't trip over him. She smiled at the sight, but then sighed heavily as the dread of what she was about to tell Kid settled upon her. Over the past year, things had settled into a relaxed routine. She and Teresa spent most of the mornings cleaning, cooking, and taking care of Teresa's baby while the men took care of the ranch chores. Sometimes, what the housework got too much for Lou, she'd saddle one of the horses and ride as fast as she could, just to feel the wind on her face, but mostly, she was content with life. Kid regularly picked the children up from school. Sometimes he took the buckboard, and other times he'd take a horse. Beth and Joshua loved the horses, and Kid started giving them riding lessons. It amazed Lou how the two of them adapted to their new lives. They both admired Kid, and she sometimes laughed at the looks of adoration they gave him. Her smile faded as Kid and the children reached the porch. Kid put Beth down and took the porch steps two at a time. He kissed her cheek, but frowned at seeing her odd expression. "Are you alright, honey?" he worried. Lou nodded, not trusting her voice. Kid stared at her for a short moment before he called to the children that were playing in the yard. "Joshua, why don't you go to Aunt Teresa and see if lunch is ready." He watched with a smile as Joshua and Beth raced across the yard towards Buck and Teresa's house. He sat on the bench, pulling Lou to sit next to him. "What is it, Lou? What made you so upset?" He couldn't, for the life of him, figure out what was wrong. When he saw her a few hours earlier, she told him she went to town to do some shopping. She didn't seem to be as upset as she seemed to be now. Lou had tears in her eyes as her gaze met his. "I went to see the doctor today," she blurted. "Are you sick?" Kid asked worriedly, instinctively putting his palm on her forehead. Lou shook her head. "No, Kid. Nothing like that." Kid breathed a sigh of relief. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue. "I'm pregnant," she whispered, her voice shaking. Kid looked at her in shock, then rose to his feet and took a few steps forward. He raked a hand through his curls, then covered his face with his hands desperately. For the past year, he didn't think of the possibility of Lou getting pregnant. They both loved Joshua and Beth, and it seemed Lou had dropped her desire to have children of her own, but now… "I'm sorry, Kid," Lou said as she walked to stand behind him. She put a hand on his back. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't want this." He looked at her with doubt in his eyes. She took a step back, insulted by his mistrust. She collapsed on the bench and buried her face in her hands, sobbing silently. Kid sat next to her and held her in his arms as she cried. "I didn't mean for this to happen, Kid, please, you have to believe me," she begged. "I do, Lou. I do. What did the doctor say?" Kid asked, kissing her head. Lou raised her teary eyes to his. "He said that I should take it very careful and rest as much as I can. He said I should lie down, at least a few hours every day." Kid nodded. "That is what you're going to do, then," he said confidently. "You will lie down, either in bed or on the settee downstairs, if you wish. You're not going to work any or ride until the baby's here. Do you hear me?" Lou nodded and managed a smile. "You're not angry, then?" she asked hopefully. Kid kissed her lips. "I'm scared," he admitted. "Me too," Lou confessed. "You'll have to be careful now, Lou. Please don't do anything to jeopardize yourself." "Or the baby," Lou added. "Or the baby," Kid agreed. *~*~*~* Lou retired to bed early that evening, leaving it to Kid to fill in Buck and Teresa. Both his in-laws received the news with grim faces, understanding the seriousness of the situation. They promised their support and help whenever needed and Kid felt blessed to have them in his life. When Kid entered his bedroom, he was mesmerized by the look of his sleeping wife. She looked so beautiful, clad in a thin nightgown, sprawled all over the bed, her long hair spread around her. Her right hand rested absently on her abdomen. He came closer and sat on the bed, lightly removing a stray hair from her face. He smiled as she wrinkled her face in irritation. He undressed quietly and lay on the bed beside her, pulling the blanket to cover the both of them. He lay awake, watching her sleeping for long moments before sleep overtook him. *~*~*~* The next few months passed pretty much with the same boring routine, much to Lou's chagrin. She felt sick of not doing anything, of always sitting on the porch, if not staying in bed, watching the others work or going and doing whatever they wanted. Kid wouldn't comply with any of her requests or pleas to go anywhere or do anything other than sit and do absolutely nothing. Her only not-boring moments during the day were when Kid allowed the children to spend some time with her. He limited the time they were with her, not wanting her to get too tired. She understood his reasons and couldn't blame him for his over protectiveness. She promised him she would take everything as easy as possible, and do whatever the doctor ordered, which was staying in bed and not doing anything. She was glad that there was only one more month to go before the baby would arrive. She smiled as the excitement at the prospect of holding her own baby in her arms. Lots of times she wondered if it would be a boy or a girl. On the one hand, she really wanted a girl she could dress and style her hair, but on the other hand she longed for a boy who would look just like Kid. She loved the two children they already had. They were her pride and joy, and they were also excited at the prospect of the coming baby. Teresa sat with her for at least a few hours each day, talking and planning. Lou loved her niece and enjoyed playing with her and watching her whenever she could. Beth also loved playing with her cousin, while Joshua followed Kid and Buck like a shadow. *~*~*~* It was a couple of weeks before her due date, when Lou was suddenly woken by a sharp pain shooting through her from the small of her back to her abdomen to her whole body. She felt like she was being torn apart and gasped for air. Kid sensed her shifting in the bed and heard her gasp. He sleepily opened one eye, but when he noticed her expression, he jumped in bed, ready for action. "Lou, darling, what is it?" "It's the baby, Kid," she panted. "I think it's coming." "What do you mean, Lou, there's still two more weeks." "Don't you think I know that?" she cried, "I guess no one thought of telling the baby." "Are you feeling any more contractions, Lou? Maybe this was something else." Lou shook her head. "It was only this one, Kid, but I know what it was." "I'll go get the doctor, then," Kid said as he got dressed. He kissed her head and went downstairs. On the way to the stable to saddle his horse he passed by Buck and Teresa's house. He banged on the door, and waited impatiently for someone to answer the door. Buck opened the door, clad in his long johns bottoms, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?" "Late," Kid replied, "or very early. Lou's having the baby." "What?" Buck was suddenly wide awake. "Isn't it a bit early?" Kid nodded gravely. "I'm going for the doctor. Can you please ask Teresa if she could sit with Lou until I'm back?" "Sure, Kid," Buck said and went inside the house, closing the door behind him. Kid didn't wait another second and ran to the stable to get his horse and ride for the doctors. *~*~*~* Kid felt a tug on his sleeve and opening his eyes, found himself staring directly into Beth's green eyes. "Why are you sleeping here?" the girl asked. Kid smiled, as he realized he must have dozed off sometime during the long night. When the doctor arrived, he and Teresa ushered him out of the room and told him they would get him when the baby came. Suddenly, he became very worried when he realized nobody came for him. Without answering the girl's question, he ran up the stairs, taking two at a time, and opened the door to his room as quietly as he could. Teresa and the doctor were still by Lou's side. She had never looked so pale and tired, and his heart stopped beating in his chest. Teresa noticed his presence and rushed to the door to speak with him. "What's going on, Tessi?" Kid asked, the anxiety clear in his voice. "It's taking longer than we thought, Kid. The doctor is doing his best." "But how much longer, Tessi? She doesn't look good." "She's tired, but there's nothing we can do beside wait, Kid. You have to be patient." Kid nodded. "I'd better make the children some breakfast." "Yes, and please tell Buck I don't know when I'll be able to feed Sarah-Louise, so he should just go ahead and give her something to eat." Kid left the room and went downstairs, his heart heavy with worry. *~*~*~* A couple of hours passed since Teresa sent him downstairs, and still there was no change. He sat at the kitchen table, alone with his thoughts, having sent the children outside to play. He was a wreck and he felt useless. From time to time, he could hear Lou's cries of pain from their bedroom upstairs, but he knew there was nothing he could do to help her. He sat straighter at the sound of feet running down the stairs. He stood up abruptly as Teresa entered the kitchen like a storm. "What's going on, Teresa?" Kid asked gravely. Teresa looked at him and shook her head. She silently went to the stove to put some more water to boil. "Don't give me that, Teresa!" Kid yelled. "What's going on with my wife?" "There's still no change, Kid. The baby still hasn't come yet," Teresa's voice broke into a sob. "She's so tired, Kid." Kid didn't wait to hear anymore. He ran up the stairs to his bedroom and entered the room without waiting for the doctor's approval. He rushed to his wife side and took her hand in his. "Lou, honey, it's alright, I'm here. You'll see, everything will be fine," he murmured, caressing her sweaty face. "I love you, sweetheart. I'm here for you." Lou opened her eyes slowly. "I'm so tired, Kid. I can't do this anymore." "Don't say that," he choked, kissing her hand to disguise the tears that ran down his face. "You're strong, Lou. The strongest person I've ever known. Please don't give up." He looked horrified as Lou cried out in pain again. He looked at the doctor at the other end of the bed, asking without words if there was anything he could do to help her. The doctor silently shook his head. "I'm sorry," he mouthed. Kid didn't leave Lou's side for the next couple of hours as the contractions kept tearing through her every few minutes. Between contractions, she lay so still that Kid had to check that she was still breathing. Teresa excused herself for a few short minutes in which she checked on her daughter, and cried in her husband's arms. Things looked very grim, and they all wished the baby would arrive soon so Lou would be able to get some much-needed rest. Kid's emotions ran between fear for his wife and baby, anger at the doctor and Teresa and at Lou, and mostly, anger at his own incompetence. The night dragged on and still there was no change. Lou got weaker and weaker with every contraction that continued to ravage her small body. Around three in the morning Kid awoke at the sound of a moan. He jerked upright, cursing himself for falling asleep. He looked around the room to find Teresa and the doctor also dozing off on nearby chairs. He looked at the clock and figured they must have slept for a couple of hours. His fearful gaze traveled to the bed, where his wife was laying in a restless sleep. He caressed her forehead and she opened her pained eyes. She feigned a smile and he kissed her lips softly. "I'm sorry," she whispered. Kid shook his head vehemently, too choked up with tears to say anything. He rested his forehead against hers. "I love you, Lou," he finally whispered. "Don't ever say you're sorry." Lou nodded, but soon cried in pain as the contractions returned. The doctor and Teresa were on their feet in an instant, getting back to work. The contractions were getting close and there were only a few moments of rest between them. "You're close now, Lou. Only a little more." The doctor smiled at the exhausted woman. *~*~*~* A wail cut the silence like a knife, but to Kid it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. He looked in awe as the doctor put the baby in Lou's arms while he cut the cord. Kid stared in amazement at his wife and their new baby girl. "She's perfect," Lou whispered, her voice hoarse from the screaming and the weariness. "She is, Lou, just like you," Kid mumbled, kissing Lou's forehead. "I love you, Lou, thank you for giving me a child." Lou nodded and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling very tired, her arms barely able to hold on to the baby. Teresa sensed the change in her sister and quickly picked the baby in her arms. She wrapped the little girl in a blanket and took it to the nearby table to clean her up. Kid was confused by Lou's sudden loss of all energy. He gazed at the doctor, but the other man's frown only made him more anxious. "What is it?" Kid asked, his voice shaking. "What's wrong?" The doctor shook his head. "I can't stop the bleeding." "What do you mean 'can't stop the bleeding'? You have to do it. You can't just let her bleed…" Teresa tried to focus on the baby, instead of the conversation going on between Kid and the doctor. She had seen how her sister looked. The delivery was hard and long and she already prepared herself, hours ago, for the chance that her sister wouldn't make it. Kid, however, could not let himself lose hope that she would be fine. He sat on the bed and took her head into his lap. "Wake up, honey, please wake up." He smiled as she lazily opened her eyes. "Hi," he smiled, wiping at his tears. "We didn't decide on a name for her." "I want to name her Mary-Katherine, or Mary-Kate, after both our mothers." Kid smiled and nodded. "It's a fine name. I love you so much, Lou. I'm so proud of you." Lou smiled weakly. "Promise me you'll take care of her, Kid." "Of course I will, Lou, we both will." "No," Lou whispered with much difficulty. "I won't be here. Please tell her about me, tell her how much I wanted her and how much I love her." "No, Lou, don't speak like that, you will be there to love her," Kid sobbed. "Please explain to Beth and Joshua I loved them and that I didn't want to leave them." "No, Lou…" Kid was now crying openly. Lou's eyes fluttered as she fought to stay awake just a little longer, knowing it would be her last time. "I love you, Kid. Please don't forget me." "I won't, Lou. I could never…" "Please try to find a new wife, try to have a family for the children." "Lou, please don't…" he cried, his face close to hers, his lips on hers. "No, Lou, oh god, NO!" he cried when he felt her taking her last breath, as he kissed her. Teresa's body shook with sobs at hearing Kid. She didn't dare glancing behind her. The doctor came to stand by her and putting a hand on her shoulder, he told her he would take care of the baby. At feeling his hand on her, Teresa ran out of the room and out of the house to her own, where she collapsed in her husband's embrace and cried her heart out. *~*~*~* When Teresa returned to her sister's room a couple of hours later, as the sun rose, she found the baby sleeping in her cradle. Kid was still sitting in the same position as he was when she left him, still crying and caressing Lou's hair. She came closer and crouched beside him. "Kid," she whispered, afraid to break the silence. "Kid, you have to let her be now." "I can't, Teresa, I can't leave her." "She's gone," she said softly. "There's nothing you can do for her now, but remember her words, remember what you promised her, Kid. There's your daughter there and Beth and Joshua. They need you and you promised Lou you will be there for them." "I can't do it," Kid spoke after a couple of minutes. "I can't." Teresa put a hand on his knee comfortingly. "I know you don't think you can do it now. You should go and rest for a bit. Everything will look better once you're rested." "What are you talking about?" Kid suddenly bellowed, making Teresa jump back in fright. "Nothing will ever be 'better'. Lou's gone. She's dead. Nothing will ever be 'better'." Realizing his dead wife was still in his arms, he started crying again. "I'm sorry, Lou. I'm so sorry." He kissed her head and her lips. "I love you." Kid gently put Lou's head back on the bed as he rose to his feet. Without another glance at his sister-in-law, he exited the room. He walked out of the house and to the stable. He saddled his horse, mounted, and rode off, not casting a single glance back. *~*~*~* Epilogue The tears blinded him as he rode away from his house, away from his dead wife, away from his friends, away from his children. His sobs sounded well above the thunder of the hoof beats. He knew it was wrong for him to leave like that, that it was against everything Lou asked of him, but his heart was aching so much he just couldn't bear to be near the place where she had lived… and died. He knew he would go back there someday, but right now he couldn't. You should have at least waited until after the funeral, a voice in the back of his head said, but Kid just shook his head to clear the voice. How could he just stand there while his love was put in the grave, and covered in dirt? No! He would never be able to go through this. Kid felt sorry for himself. He knew he was being unfair, that it was nobody's fault that Lou died, but the thought of his baby girl didn't bring him comfort, but anger and misery. He also thought briefly of Beth and Joshua. He loved those two with all his heart, but in his state of mind, he couldn't stand being close to them, as they, too, reminded him of his loss. He kept on riding, the sobs becoming quieter as he rode further and further from his home. He snickered bitterly. Home is where the heart is, but my heart is shattered to pieces… he slowed his horse and breathed deeply. He turned around, but was too far away to see the lights of his house or of the town. He pondered for only a split second whether or not he should go back, but the image of Lou's lifeless body assaulted him, and he turned his horse again and rode as far as he could from the place he once called home. Email Hanny HOME