Well here we go. I often thought about writing about my life, but never really got around to it, you know what I mean? Lately though certain things in my life have led me to believe that memories are important so I am here to try to give you a picture of an important part of my childhood. All though I didn’t think of it that way at the time that is what I have come to realize that it was. Three men gave my sisters and I a gift, a month to see who they truly were, and I hope we gave them the same in return.
I am getting a little ahead of myself here. Let me start at the top. My name is Hope McCloud, first born to Kid and Lou McCloud. I have two sisters, Emma and Rachel. My parents met while riding for the pony express, my mother once told me it was the best time she ever had in her life. Maybe I am going a little too far back here. My story is not about the pony express, there are others to tell that story much better than me. My story is about what happened after.
My father had always called me his little angel. This might have been true at first, but by the time I was nine years old I didn’t want to be Daddy’s little girl any more, I was ready to grow up. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see a little girl I saw a full grown woman. Needless to say my parents didn’t understand this. The kept treating me like a little kid. That summer I got the chance to see what being grown up was really about.
One day my mother got a letter from my aunt Teresa. She was going to have a baby and needed my mother there. Her husband was dead and there was no one left to help her. My mother was pregnant with my little brother at the time as well so my father wouldn’t let her go alone he was adamant that he go along. This left just one tiny problem, my sisters and me. My mother decided that this was the time to call in some long time favors. Two telegrams left the telegraph office that very day, and one of the stable boys was sent off with a letter. I will never know just what those messages said, my mother never told what threat or promise she had held over their heads, but whatever it was, it was enough to drag three grown men away from their adventures to a sleepy little town called Sweetwater.
The first to arrive was a strange man who always seemed to have a smile on his face, it struck me as being fake, no one could smile that much. He told lies all the time. My mother thought that was funny. I didn’t understand that. If I told lies she got mad at me. He arrived all dressed in buckskin, and his horse was amazing. The man smiled down at me and my sisters and patted their heads. Then he patted my head, let me tell you it took a lot of self-control not to bite his hand. He had a huge rifle, it was the biggest gun I had ever seen. My dad had a gun. I was pretty sure he kept it hidden in his top drawer, but it was nothing like this one. My dad made the man keep the rifle in the barn. He told the man that he didn’t keep guns in the house. I was about to remind him about the gun in his room, but I didn’t want to break my self-imposed silence. He told us to call the man Uncle Cody, but he was no relative of mine so Cody it was.
The next man that arrived scared me twice as much as the first. He was an Indian, that I could tell. My parents had always told me that I shouldn’t judge people simply because of their culture, but I knew different. My friends at school had told me stories from their parents about how Indians scalped and murdered little children. I felt when I saw this man’s knife that this was true. He kept it in his boot, but I knew he could get at it at any moment. For the next week I kept waiting for him to scalp me. They called him Buck.
The last to arrive was a man my father called Hickok. I knew that name. My mother caught me reading a book about him once and took it away, she didn’t know I had already read it. This man was dangerous, he wore two guns, one on each hip. No man in Sweetwater ever wore two. I supposed it was so he could kill two men at once, saved time that way. The first two men although scary, were smiling when they arrived, this man wasn’t. He gave my sisters and me a hard look as he rode up. He shook my father’s hand and gave my mother a hug. I didn’t trust him though, and I sure wasn’t going to trust him near my family.
I hated all three of them from the start… well maybe I wouldn’t go that far, but what I saw I didn’t like. I was the oldest and had taken it into my mind that my sisters were mine to protect, just as I protected my doll Annabelle Mumblepuss. I was 9 years old after all, practically a woman. So when strange dirty looking men started to arrive at my parents ranch, I immediately saw them as a threat and resolved to get rid of them. When my mother tried to explain that these men were going to stay with us while she and my father were away I was furious. I couldn’t believe that my mother would trust our lives to these lowlifes. I smiled my most courteous smile though, for my mother’s sake and did my daughterly duty. I was an angel until my parents’ wagon was just a cloud of dust disappearing into the distance. Then I took my sisters’ hands and lead them away from these men, determined to take care of my sisters on my own.
Everything worked out fine for the first couple of hours. The men kept to themselves getting settled in. I took my sisters to my room and sat with them while they played with their dolls. Eventually, I knew the men would come looking for us, but that was ok, because I had a plan.
I left the two girls alone in my room, they seemed safe enough for the moment, and left to start dinner. Truthfully I had never cooked by myself before in my life, but I was not going to eat anything that these men considered food. The kitchen was empty, apparently dinner was not the first thing on any of the men’s minds. I peeked out the door and saw them out by the corral looking at the new horses.
My mother had left plenty of food for the next couple of days, and I decided that stew was my safest bet. I had seen my mother cook this many times before. I was having more difficulty than I thought I would though. Everything seemed higher up without my mother there to hand me things. I heard quiet footsteps approaching me, obviously they didn’t want me to know they were there, and that was ok since I was determined to pretend that they weren’t there. I could hear most of their discussion though.
“Can 9 year olds cook?” Cody asked.
“Well she seems to be doing ok with it.” Hickok answered.
“She certainly cooks better than you Jimmy.” Buck replied.
“Do you think she needs help?” Hickok asked with a shrug.
“Well, why don’t we ask her…” Cody finished as he made his way into the kitchen. “Ummm…. Emm…no Rach…. No wait I’ll remember… What’s her name Buck?”
“Helen…no wait….Honor…no… What is your name?”
“Her name is Hope. Hope, do you need any help?”
I was surprised that Hickok had even bothered to remember my name. At this point though I just wanted them out of MY kitchen so I ignored them. Eventually they got the idea and left. I heard them in the main room, apparently they had retrieved my sisters from upstairs. I checked in on them every five minutes exactly. Buck caught me watching once or twice and smiled at me but I just glared at him. It took me much longer to finish cooking than I thought it would. I seemed to have spilled everything in the kitchen by the time I was done. I set the table for three. I walked into the room, still ignoring the three men, I helped my sisters wash their hands and got them settled at the table. THEY watched us from the doorway as I said grace. “God bless us, and please bring our parents home safe and sound… and soon.” I didn’t care if the three of them starved. If they wanted to eat they could eat in town. I certainly wasn’t going to cook for them. Emma spoiled my plan though.
“Aren’t you going to eat with us?”
“I don’t know honey,” my eyes flared at Cody’s choice of words, how dare he call her that, only my father should call her that. “It looks to me like your sister would rather we didn’t.”
“It’s ok. You three can share mine,” my sister answered. This made me mad, but I certainly wasn’t going to let my sisters starve. I dished up two more plates and left my untouched dinner for the third. The three men sat down without another word and ate their dinners. I ignored Cody when he tried to get me to eat something.
When my sisters were done I got them washed up and put them to bed. Buck tried to help me get them ready but I glared at him and he got the point. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I was hoping they understood we didn’t need them here. I looked out the window and wished on a star that they would be gone when I woke up, but when I went downstairs the next morning there they were. They had made coffee, and Hickok was standing in front of the stove with an apron on trying to cook bacon. I could smell that it was already burnt so I turned and walked back out to see if my sisters needed any help getting dressed. They seemed fine, so I left them to begin part two of my plan. I went out to the barn to see what I could find. I brought a jar of molasses with me, which I poured onto the men’s saddles. I set up a bucket of water on the back door of the barn, and I filled the canteens with muddy water. A couple of strategically placed pitchforks and I was done.
When breakfast was over I stayed in the house with my sisters while the men left for the barn. I heard some strange noises from the barn, proving that my tricks had worked. I expected them to try to find me afterward but when I saw them later none of them said a word about it, even though Buck was sopping wet, and Cody didn’t sit down all evening.
Of course I wasn’t there to hear the discussion in the barn, but when Buck heard I was writing this he told me pretty much what was said. I never knew this, but Jimmy was the one who stood up for me that day. Cody was hopping mad, literally, and Buck was ready to throw me in the horse trough.
“Wait, look at yourselves for a minute from a nine-year-old’s point of view.”
Cody and Buck were both surprised at how well Jimmy was taking it. He had sat right down on the horse, and messed up a perfectly good pair of pants.
“Did either of you hear Lou or Kid tell this girl who we are?”
Buck and Cody shook their heads.
“Well I know my reputation isn’t too great, and I’m sure she doesn’t like you two much better. Hell, if I was in her position I might be doing the same things.”
“You know, I saw Hope watching us last night. She was busy cooking but she seemed to be checking up on us,” Buck added.
“She wasn’t checking up on us, she was watching out for her little sisters,” Jimmy answered.
“She’s only nine years old. She carries around a doll for crying out loud.”
“That nine year old got you pretty good, me too for that matter. I think maybe we should give her a little more credit, don’t you think?”
“You mean we can’t turn her over our knees?” Cody asked.
Jimmy smiled, “As much as I wanted too when I sat down on that saddle, no. I think we should forget any of this happened and see what she thinks of that.”
The next day the men were busy so I took my sisters down to the river for a swim. My excuse is worthless I know, but I was only nine years old. I know, I know I said that already, but keep that in mind and don’t judge me too harshly.
I warned the girls not to go in too deep, and then I sat down on the bank. I watched Emma kicking the water around for a while, and then watched Rachel, she was too little to run around in the water so she was trying to splash me with her little hands. I got so involved with Rachel that I turned my back on Emma for a moment and suddenly I could not see her. I cried out for her but she didn’t answer. Jimmy must have heard me crying because he came riding up. He knew right away what was wrong, before I even told him. He took off on his horse and soon came back with Emma draped over his saddle. It turned out she had run off downstream and had slipped on a rock. She wasn’t hurt, just a little scared. As he lifted Emma off his horse and set her down next to me I didn’t know what to say.
“Thank you.”
Jimmy smiled when I said this, I realized that this was the first time I had ever spoken to any of the men. It wasn’t ‘til later that I wondered what Jimmy was doing so close by. I realize now that he must have followed us there to make sure we would be alright. As we returned to the ranch I began to wonder if maybe I had been wrong to judge them so quickly. I loosened my grip the next day, when Cody offered to show Emma how to shoe a horse, something that my father had been promising to do for awhile. I didn’t put up a fuss. Maybe I should have.
I got the story from Cody later.
Emma and Cody spent a fine day together. First he showed her how to shoe a horse as promised. Then he showed her some of his riding tricks and how to throw a lasso. He even showed her some tricks with his guns, which made me a little nervous. I came running out of the house when I first heard the shots, but Jimmy told me it was just Cody showing off. I told Jimmy that my father didn’t like playing with guns. Jimmy agreed but assured me that Cody meant no harm. Cody just had a captive audience. He certainly liked an audience all right, and Emma was mesmerized by it all, but then what can you expect from a 6 year old. Cody drew the line though when Emma wanted to shoot the gun herself.
Later when Cody was in the hayloft, Emma got the chance to see one of Cody’s guns close up. If there was one thing this girl knew, it was how to find things. Whenever one of my mother’s sewing needles was missing Emma could find it. Just this once though, I wish she could have stayed out of it.
She found Cody’s rifle where he had it stashed in one of the empty stalls. I don’t know quite how she lifted it, even she can’t remember, it was as big as she was. I was sitting in the kitchen when I heard the shot. I was frozen for a moment. Jimmy tried to assure me that it was still Cody showing off, but I knew he was wrong. I could feel that something was wrong. I ran from the house to the barn in seconds, I don’t think I had ever run so fast in my life.
When I got there I found Cody lifting my sister off the straw covered floor.
“She fine,” he said, “the kick knocked her flat. She’s just a little scared.”
I couldn’t hold back my relief. I wanted to attack Cody right then, but I waited. I let him carry my sister into the house. He was limping. I later found out he had jumped out of the hayloft and had injured his ankle. I didn’t care though, and I’m sure the kick that I gave him in the shins didn’t help his ankle heal any faster, but I wanted him to know how mad I was.
Jimmy was even madder, I heard. I think the whole town could have heard him. He was bawling Cody out all evening. All Cody could think to say was “I’m sorry Jimmy,” over and over again.
That night I made my decision that there would be no more guns. This was not a malicious trick, I just felt safer with the guns away from the men. The guns would be easy to get to, now if only I could get Buck’s knife away from him….I got my chance to get the guns and knife that night. When they were asleep, I made my way over to the hook and took all the guns. Buck’s knife was still with him so I crept into their room. I covered my ears against the noise they all created. It was enough to listen to my own father snoring but three of them were too much. I got the knife without too much trouble, I was always very good at sneaking, and got out of there as quickly as possible. I hid the weapons where I was sure my sisters would never find them, and in one place I was sure the three men would never look.
They may have ignored my previous tricks, but they certainly wouldn’t ignore this one. I had a plan. I was going to give them their weapons back as soon as they promised to leave. I was young and I didn’t realize how much trouble this could cause. I will make no excuses though, I am responsible for what happened next.
Of all the times for bandits to show up, they had to choose that night. It probably would have been a simple matter. My sisters and I had three gunmen to watch over us after all, but without their guns they were no better off than my baby sister. Wait, wait, wait! I am getting ahead of myself here. Let me start again. It was about 2 hours before dawn when I heard some strange noises from out front. I was just sitting up when Cody burst into my room.
“Don’t scream! Take your sisters and hide out in the barn, don’t ask why, just do it.”
I did as I was told and took my sisters out back. I didn’t remember about the guns ‘til it was too late. I watched helplessly from the barn what happened next. The bandits had no problem getting into the house. They led Buck outside at gunpoint. I hadn’t heard any gunshots, so I assumed the others were still inside. The man hit Buck across the face with his gun and then tied Buck’s hands to the banister on the porch. The bandit seemed to be watching the road and not his prisoner though. I told Emma to stay in the barn and watch Rachel. I snuck around the back of the house and retrieved Buck’s knife. I peered into the window and listened to the men inside.
“Where are they?”
“Who?” Jimmy asked.
“I want the McCloud children, their father owes us.”
“We don’t know who you are talking about,” Cody answered. This earned him a punch in the stomach.
I gasped, luckily the bandits didn’t hear me, Jimmy did though. He snuck a glance at me out the window. I ducked under his look, I was certain that he was mad at me, in fact I was mad at myself. This was my fault and I was going to get them out of it. I watched the man guarding Buck until he was a few steps away from the porch. I made my way up onto the porch and cut Buck loose. I guess he had heard me coming because he wasn’t the least bit startled. He took his knife from me without a second look and threw it silently into the bandits back. I sat there in shock as I had never seen anyone die before. I don’t remember how, but I made it back to the barn and held onto my sisters. For a few seconds I heard gunshots and then silence. A little while later Cody came to the barn to get me and my sisters. I told Emma where the men’s guns were hidden and snuck out before Cody got there. I knew what I had done, I had put not only my life in danger, but my sisters and the men who tried to protect us. I left the barn that day certain that my sisters were in better hands.
I’m sure that you can all figure out what happened after this, I was nine years old remember? No matter how old I pretended to be. I had left without a horse or food or water. I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there. Soon I heard horses approaching. I ducked behind some bushes but they knew exactly where I was. Buck turned back immediately, but Hickok dismounted. I could tell he knew where I was so I stood up and moved to continue down the road.
“Wait.” Hickok called to me.
“I can take care of myself you know.” I said as I forgot my vow never to speak to THEM.
“We know that, you already showed us. We want you to come back.”
“Why? I wanted you to leave all this time. I got you in trouble. It’s all my fault.”
“Yes, but your sisters will miss you, besides I hate changing diapers.”
He knew exactly what to say, I had never really wanted to leave anyway. I giggled at his joke and ran into his arms. He seemed surprised at first but soon returned my hug. He lifted me onto his horse and we rode back to the ranch.
After that, things were still awkward for me, I felt that I needed to apologize somehow but none of them would accept it. They treated me like an adult, giving me responsibility to take care of my sisters and cook some of the meals. When they stepped away to have a grown up discussion sometimes they even included me. I think they knew exactly what they were doing.
Uncle Buck taught me and Emma some things about his tribe, and told me about an uncle called Ike who had died before I was born. He explained that Ike had used Indian sign language to communicate. Uncle Buck taught me some of that too. Cody took my sister on many rides, she seemed to love riding horses. Cody said that my mother loves riding too, but I had hardly ever seen her ride. She usually just rode in the buckboard. All three seemed surprised by how little my sister and I knew about our parents. They were full of stories for us. It was kinda strange really. I had never thought of my mother and father meeting and falling in love. They had seemed old from the moment I was old enough to know them. If half of Uncle Cody’s stories were true, they had certainly led an interesting life. Cody even told me some stories about Uncle Jimmy. I loved hearing heroic stories about him for a change. What he told me seemed a whole lot more like the man I knew than the one in the dime novels. I still wonder why my parents never told me about their express adventures, maybe I had been to busy growing up to ask. I swore that when they got back I would try. It was really a strange few weeks for me. I spent more time playing than working. I loved to watch Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Cody fight. They were never really angry, but they just seemed to disagree about everything.
“You were supposed to clean out the stables.”
“NO it was supposed to be your turn.”
“Buck!!!” They cried out simultaneously.
“Leave me out if this, I cleaned them yesterday.”
I found that Buck really was a peacekeeper. Despite his rather quick temper he seemed to know when it was appropriate to use it. He told me that the best warriors are the ones who know when not to fight.
The strangest thing of all didn’t happen until my parents returned. They had stayed with my aunt until my mother had her own baby. It was a little boy. They named him James after my uncle. I had finally decided that I was proud to call them my uncles even if technically we weren’t related.
Very soon after that my uncles had to leave, they had been away from their lives too long already. Besides I don’t think any of them would have been happy staying in such a small place. My heart was broken when Jimmy told me he was leaving. It was like losing a father really, he told me he would come back and see us at Christmas but that wasn’t enough. I cried myself to sleep the night before he left. I thought back to how much I had wanted them to leave and now how much I would have given to have them stay. It was almost funny how quickly someone can become an important part of your life.
The next morning everyone got up early to see them off. Cody left first. He had a train to catch. He was going to New York. Then Buck left, he had located his brother’s tribe. Jimmy didn’t leave ‘til later that afternoon. I tried giving him every reason that I could think of to stay.
“I have to leave now, but I promise I will come back. I will always be looking out for you.”
I ran into his arms and cried on his shoulder, and he picked me up and turned to my father.
“Kid. You better get a bigger shotgun, you are gonna need it with this one before long.”
Suddenly I got a great idea and let go of Jimmy and ran back inside the house, I grabbed something off my bed and ran back outside just as Jimmy was about to mount his horse. “Wait!” I shouted.
“What is it now, is your shoe untied?”
“NO, I can tie my own shoes, I wanted to give you this,” I held out Annabelle Mumblepuss.
Jimmy smiled, “I can’t take this, you need her to take care of you.”
“No, you need taking care of more than I do, this way you wont forget me.”
“Oh I could never forget you, any of you,” he finished, looking over my shoulder at my parents and my siblings.
“Here,” I said as I put the doll in his hands. I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
“She’s as stubborn as you Lou. Ok, for now she can ride up front.” He got on his horse and put the doll in front of him on the saddle, and he rode out just like that. I watched him until he disappeared out of sight. Thinking back I can just imagine what anyone else would have thought of a gunman with a rag doll in his saddle bag. I know he kept it though.
A few months later we got a telegram from a friend of his. My mother told me what it said. It broke my heart, I didn’t understand, who would shoot a man like that. My parents went to the town and picked up his things from the man at the hotel, and sure enough my doll was there, he had kept it. I was sure I would never get over his loss, but like my mother told me, I got to try to remember all the good times we had.
Not long after, Buck came back with a new wife, and a baby girl. They lived in Sweetwater with us. Buck bought half the ranch from my father. Soon I had 5 cousins to watch out for, not including my cousin in NY. Yes, Cody finally found a woman who loved him as much as he loves himself.
I eventually grew up of course, as all children do. I married a rancher from the next town over. My father told me Jimmy was right about the shotgun. It was the best compliment he had ever given me. My brother, Little James, as everyone called him, grew up to be more like Cody than his name sake, except he was perfectly content to stay and take care of the ranch. In fact it was his idea for me to write this story down. He said I had been telling him the story since he was old enough to understand. He said it was about time I found a bigger audience. Oh I forgot to mention, I received a letter from Jimmy two days before we found out he was gone.
Dear Hope McCloud,I want you to know I am writing this with some help, but don’t worry the words are all mine. I want to thank you for all you have given me. Not just little Annabelle here, but the chance to see what it would be like to have a daughter. You are a very special girl. You are just like your mother, and even if you may not see it always that IS a compliment. I am certain that you will grow into a fine young woman and will find a wonderful husband someday. Just make sure you warn him not to come in the kitchen while you are cooking. I want you to know I think of you and your family every day. Say hello to your father for me and give your mom a kiss for me when your dad’s not looking. I miss you very much and look forward to seeing you all again very soon. Remember I will always be there when you need me even if you can’t see me.
Always,
Uncle Jimmy