She's harping at me again. I could turn one of these guns on myself right about now for letting myself get carried away last night. I kissed Lou. It was wrong and I know that. She and Kid might not be official and together and I might not be the smartest man alive but I can see where things are headed. The look on her face when she saw how bad he was hurt; well blind men a hundred miles away could see she still loves him and I know for a fact he never quit loving her. It's only a matter of time before they are back together and I know that's how they belong.
But last night Kid didn't exist. There was me and there was Lou and there was the fire. I should be glad we were interrupted when we were because I don't know how carried away I might've got. That's a lie. I know where I would have wanted to take things between us and I know how far things would have gone unless she stopped me. Her kiss back was leading me to believe that she wouldn't. She would have hated me though; or herself. I know she would have. Maybe I would have hated me too come morning but not until then.
Now she wants to know what it meant. If I wanted to answer her-which I do not-I know I couldn't. Maybe it really did mean nothing like I'm telling her. Maybe it was just my fear-that's not something I'd ever admit, even to her. Or maybe it was every time I saw her getting dressed or undressed in the bunkhouse. Maybe it was the proximity to her becoming more feminine. Maybe it was all the times she cried on my shoulder over Kid and I wanted to scream at her that I was sitting right there and I already knew what she wanted and needed. Maybe the kiss was nothing but maybe it was everything.
I love Lou. I do. I always will. But I don't know how I feel about her. I know it doesn't make sense. I guess I've learned that I make that jump from 'love' to 'in love' too easily. Hell, I thought I was in love with Emma just because I saw her pantaloons and she was kind to me. Like I said, I'm not the smartest man. So I love her. I don't know if I'm in love with her. I know Kid is whether he admits it or not or when he finally gets around to admitting it.
Lou says there will be someone for me. Maybe she's right. She's smart, Lou is. Of course, I know myself and I know I'm right hard to live with. Lou puts up with me like I can't see any other woman doing. I know if there is someone out there, she'd have to be a whole lot like Lou and I'm not sure there's anyone out there quite like her.
She's at it again; wanting to talk about it. I keep telling her there's nothing to talk about. Maybe that's the truth but there's a voice in my head screaming, 'I want you.' And I know I do want her and I know that's not fair so that voice is just going to have to stay put.
I Want You by Bob Dylan
The guilty undertaker sighs
The drunken politician leaps
Now all my fathers they've gone down
Well, I return to the Queen of Spades
Now your dancing child with his Chinese suit