Buck lay on his back, one arm draped securely around his sleeping wife, and smiled. He had honestly thought this day, or rather night, would never come. The day of their wedding he'd been nervous but very sure of himself. He and Jane were married in a wonderful ceremony; she was a beautiful bride and their vows were from their hearts. The party following the wedding was very enjoyable but any expectations of his wedding night ended the moment he walked into the hotel room and carried her to the bed. Sure he'd been nervous but she'd been terrified.
He remembered the feeling of panic when he realized he had nothing to sleep in other than his longjohns and somehow that didn't seem right. He regretted at not asking Teaspoon or Kid what he was supposed to do, what would Jane expect him to do? He'd never been alone with a woman like this before. Ike had told him it would all just come naturally, 'Start kissing her the rest will just follow naturally' Ike's words played out before his eyes if he closed them. He missed Ike right now more than ever.
He'd been hopeful when Jane asked for help getting out of the wedding dress. He remembered Jane was standing looking at him with fear in her eyes and trembling slightly. She'd sighed and smiled, somewhat relieved, to see he was still dressed. She told him she'd never seen a man naked. While Buck had seen women naked, especially growing up in the Kiowa village, hadn't really seen her naked either except for the wet nightgown the night she arrived in Rock Creek and he'd done his best not to look then. He knew she could feel his fingers shaking as he unbuttoned the dress and she held the top up in front as the back fell open. He had run his hand down the smooth skin of her back then put his arms around her waist pulling her back to his chest; his hands covered hers as she held the dress to her body. He'd nuzzled her neck and whispered "I love you." He could feel his own body shaking, his voice sounded thick with emotion, and fear. He'd been sure Ike was wrong, was fear natural, Jane was just as scared as he was, probably a lot more.
He'd offered to turn away from her so she could undress without him looking at her and she'd gratefully accepted. He couldn't believe how nervous he was about undressing in front of her. It didn't make any sense, he'd been dressing and undressing in front of Lou for the last year and a half, she'd seen him naked on numerous occasions. He knew he looked like the other male riders so that didn't bother him at all; he could certainly measure up. This felt different though, Jane was his wife; a woman he loved with all his heart. He'd opted for the easy way out; he'd blown out the lamps and undressed in the dark.
When he climbed into the bed beside Jane he'd been naked. This surprised him because he'd seen her in her nightgown only moments before when he blew out the lamps. She didn't try to touch him and he felt her stiffen slightly when he moved toward her. She was shaking and silently crying; she hadn't said a word since she had taken off the dress and put on her nightgown. Buck put his arms around her, brushed at the tears with his thumb and kissed her gently. He knew he couldn't make love to her like this; he held her until she fell asleep. Whatever he expected on his wedding night he'd never imagined it like this. He'd kissed his sleeping wife and was surprised to find his own cheek was wet. He'd pulled her tighter to him and eventually slept, wondering if the marriage had been a mistake.
The next morning it had all become painfully clear. Emily had died from problems that happened during childbirth. Ike and Emily had only made love once and she had become pregnant. Jane was convinced that if she made love with Buck, she'd get pregnant and die in childbirth. He remembered her exact words. "I'm sorry Buck; I'm not ready for this yet, not this part anyway. I love you and I know I'm not supposed to feel so scared but I am. Buck, I don't want to die. I want to live longer, I don't want to get pregnant and die." She'd been sobbing and his heart had broken for her. They were already the parents of Ike and Emily's son Little Ike but he'd wanted more. He made a promise to her that he'd never hurt her and choked back his own tears for the children he'd feared he'd never have.
For ten months he'd slept with her in his arms each night longing to make love with his wife and knowing it was never to be. He'd had to go behind the barn many nights and give himself the relief he so desperately needed after Jane allowed him in small ways to pleasure her. She never touched him and was afraid to allow him to go too far. He loved Jane more and more each day and tried not to think of what might have been if only Emily had survived. Many nights, even as relief coursed through him, he'd cried. He wanted Jane to fully be his wife but she still hadn't even touched him, she turned around or left the room if he was undressing; only once had he caught her watching him in the mirror.
Buck was afraid that he wasn't the type of man a woman would want, whenever Jane turned away from him a tiny bit of his confidence died. He'd stood in front of the mirror and tried to see what was wrong with his body that would cause his wife to turn away but no matter how hard he looked he knew he'd never be able to see himself through her eyes. Finally he broke down and spoke to both Kid and Lou about their problems in the bedroom. Lou assured him, to Kid's raised eyebrow, that he was normal looking and desirable. "There is nothing wrong with you Buck; you look just fine to me. Don't worry Buck, she's young, she'll come around. She loves you and you love her, it'll all work out in the end." Buck was afraid he'd die untouched by anyone other than himself. He was too embarrassed to talk to Teaspoon, Jimmy or Cody; he'd be laughed at by Cody; the self-professed lady's man, Jimmy, always so sure of his abilities with women, would tell him to be a man and just do it. Teaspoon, he was sure would have some pearls of wisdom for him but the shame of admitting that he hadn't been with his wife kept his mouth closed. He missed Ike more now then those first long and lonely weeks after he'd died.
Teaspoon and Rachel's wedding had been today and he told Jane again how much he loved her and needed her. The note he'd written had been placed with all the others he'd written to her, in a small chest he'd made for her and tied, with the others, with a purple ribbon. The note she'd written to him was in the drawer of his night table. He turned slightly, opened the drawer and removed the note. In the light of the full moon he could just barely see the writing but he didn't need to read it to know what it said.
To the love of my life, I want to be your wife in every way. I'm ready; life is too short for silly fears. Thank you for having the patience to wait for me. I've spoken with both Rachel and Lou and they've told me how lucky I was to have you. Many men would have thought only of themselves and forced me to share their bed, instead you showed me love, patience and kindness. I love you and want you so much it hurts. Tonight please make me your wife and possibly the mother of your children. Your loving and devoted wife Jane
He'd found it in his suit jacket pocket just as they were finishing desert. He was glad they'd been sitting because his body had reacted almost instantly. He smiled as he remembered the kiss they'd shared. Every person in the restaurant had turned and looked at them. Teaspoon had called the kiss inspirational and Kid had smiled a knowing smile too. Lou had watched the kiss and squeezed Kid's leg under the table. He'd had a hard time keeping a straight face as Lou's hand climbed higher and higher.
After dinner Teaspoon and Rachel had gone to their new home to celebrate their marriage. Kid and Buck had each ridden into town on their horses while Jane and Lou rode in the buckboard. Kid rode on the side beside Lou while Buck was beside Jane on the other side. Lou decided to continue her torture of Kid; to Buck's surprise Jane joined in. Little Ike had fallen asleep as soon as the wagon started to move. Buck had made a small bed in the back for him and he snuggled down, butt in the air, and started snoring.
"Kid, I have this itch that really needs to be scratched…." Lou handed the reins to Jane as she adjusted the top of her dress to reveal a bit more of her breasts then normal.
Kid's eyes just about popped out of his head when he saw what she had done. "Lou, Buck's right there he can see you." He stammered in a loud whisper heard by everyone.
"Hey Buck, see anything you like or haven't seen before?" Lou leaned slightly forward around Jane to give Buck a better view.
Jane had laughed out loud when she saw Buck rein the horse a bit to fall back slightly behind; his face was bright red. "Problem Dear?" She laughed.
"Err, um, no.... Lou, I'm not saying anything, please don't do this to me." He'd suddenly become interested in something on the other side of the road.
Jane had handed the reins back to Lou and unbuttoned the top three buttons on her blouse showing the lace of her camisole. The two women looked at each other and giggled quietly; they had been planning this for weeks. "Buck, please come here….now."
Buck had ridden up beside her, taken a quick look and groaned, he and Kid had exchanged looks. Buck looked like he was in pain and Kid couldn't help but laugh….."Looks like our ladies are having a little bit of fun tonight."
Lou nudged Jane and pointed out that both Kid and Buck were riding a little uneasily in their saddles. Lou turned to Kid, reached out and patted his thigh. "Any thing wrong dear? Jane, look at Kid… I think he's got a bit of a problem… how about Buck?"
Jane had been holding Buck's hand to keep him riding beside her. "I guess it's a good thing we're almost home, Lou. I think you're right our men need to be taken care of."
"Excuse me?" Buck asked in a higher than normal voice as he adjusted his position in the saddle. "I didn't hear Lou mention that Kid or I needed to be cared for….." His voice returned to normal.
"Speak for yourself Buck, I'm looking forward to being taken care of by my wife…." Kid laughed as the old station loomed ahead. Kid was hoping this change in Jane's behavior meant that Buck would finally be able to consummate his marriage. He was a tad embarrassed with Lou's behavior but assumed it was to help Jane relax. He knew Buck was miserable and he was determined to go along with whatever Lou had in mind if it meant helping Buck and Jane's marriage. He'd spoken with Buck and knew how hurt Buck was that Jane didn't seem to want the physical part of the marriage at all.
They pulled the horses to a stop in front of the house and both men dismounted to help their wives down. Kid pulled Lou against him and kissed her with all of the pent up passion of the last two hours. Buck looked up at them in time to see Kid's hand moving on Lou's body through her clothing. Buck had looked away quickly from the other couple and up into the smiling face of his wife. He helped Jane down by placing both of his hands on her waist lifting her from the seat, setting her down gently on the ground in front of him. He moved one hand around her waist to the small of her back and drew her to him. His other hand moved up her body, lightly caressing her as his fingers traveled over the fabric of the dress and finally stopped under her chin and lifting it so they were looking into each other's eyes, he slowly closed the gap between them and kissed her passionately; his lips captured hers hungrily. He carefully maneuvered his body so that she couldn't feel his desire for her; he knew, from past experience, she seemed loathe feeling him against her even with several layers of clothing separating their bodies. He opened his eyes in surprise when he felt her deepen the kiss; he closed his eyes and let his mouth and lips dance with hers. He could hear Kid and Lou moaning on the other side of the wagon and knew from the way the wagon was shaking that they were pressed hard against it and each other; he didn't look at them.
The horse, still attached to the wagon, gave a good shake as if to say 'get me out of this cage' and it woke Little Ike. Buck reluctantly broke off the kiss. Jane reached into the back and picked up the groggy toddler. "You three go on in I'll take care of the horses." Before anyone could protest Buck had the reins of both the wagon and his horse. Kid had just dropped Katy's reins knowing she wouldn't wander. She followed the other horses to the barn and went right to her stall. Buck removed his jacket and set to work cooling the animals and putting away the tack. He'd been sure that once again he would be the only one to relieve the pressure building within his body. He thought about taking care of himself before heading into the house but once again he felt depressed at the idea. He'd come back out later after everyone was asleep that way no one would see his red eyes after he cried.
Once the animals were taken care of he slowly moved toward the house. He was certain that Kid and Lou would have gone to their room by now and that Jane would have Little Ike bedded down for the night. He didn't see any light coming from their bedroom windows just a light from the parlor downstairs. He figured that Jane must have gone to bed also so decided he'd read downstairs for awhile then come back out to the barn and give himself the release he so desperately needed, once he was sure no one would see him. He wanted to believe the note but after ten months of marriage without any indication on her part of wanting to consummate it, he'd all but given up hope.
He'd enjoyed her kisses and she finally seemed comfortable being naked around him but always seemed uneasy when he was naked. He knew Lou had spoken at length with Jane and he'd even seen Rachel having long motherly talks with her. He loved watching both Jane and Lou when they were relaxing in the meadow between the station and the home Buck and Jane were building. The women would tie their skirts up, remove their shoes and stockings and wade in the stream up to their knees, then walk home carrying their shoes. The four of them had gone to the swimming hole on more then one occasion and while the men took Ike in for a swim the women would lay on the cool grass in nothing but their pantaloons and camisoles. Her initial shyness was all but gone but still…..He loved his wife desperately and wanted to have a complete marriage, possibly even a child. He shook his head sadly, He was sure Jane was only acting like she wanted him because of Lou's actions with the Kid. He had to admit that he'd enjoyed watching the other couple and he loved the reaction Jane had to Lou's prompting.
He knew Jane had spoken to Lou about her fears and the lack of physical love in their marriage because Lou had questioned him about it. He'd surprised himself when he told Lou everything; even things he hadn't told Kid. He also knew that one of the reasons Jane was more comfortable being naked around him was because of Lou. Kid and Lou, at Lou's urging he'd found out from Kid, were less discrete than normal around Jane and Buck. Buck and Jane had actually seen them make love once in the meadow. They were only a few dozen feet away from the other couple and there was no mistaking what they were doing. Buck had managed to get Jane to allow him to go just a bit further than normal that day but with the picnic blanket over them; he'd relieved the pressure in his body by himself that night, alone. Jane was getting better and she was more playful so Buck clung to that tiny glimmer of hope; maybe someday.
He figured that since he'd never made love with anyone either he really couldn't miss something he'd never had or done; he was still curious. He'd spent many nights listening to Jimmy, Kid, when Lou was away, Cody and even Noah talking about how they been with their lady friends and when Rachel had first arrived with those low cut blouses….Well they'd all fantasized about being with her. He had the pleasure of being a father to Little Ike so he wasn't missing out on too much there but a child of his own body would have been nice. As Lou pointed out men had that part easy, they got all the pleasure and no man ever died in childbirth or felt the pain of, as she put it, squeezing out a watermelon through a cherry sized hole. Both Kid and Buck had winced at the description.
He climbed the back stairs, pulled open the kitchen door and stepped inside. He was pulling off his boots when he heard a loud groan and Kid's voice telling Lou that something felt really good from the parlor area. He tossed the second boot down hard hoping that if he made enough noise the couple in the other room would stop long enough for him to get past them and up the stairs to the bedroom he shared with Jane. He was shocked when he heard Jane's voice call out asking him what had taken him so long.
Cautiously he entered the parlor and immediately noticed that Jane was sitting on the settee opposite Kid and Lou who were on the sofa. Lou's dress lay in a heap on the floor and Kid's shirt was beside it. He was almost afraid to look at Lou but couldn't stop his eyes from wandering up to the couple; He was relieved to see Lou still had on her camisole, petticoat and pantaloons. Kid had Lou in his arms, they were exploring each other through their clothing. Jane had removed her stockings and shoes and her skirt was resting just below her knees showing lots of bare leg. Her shirt was still unbuttoned to the point that Buck could see her camisole as well. He'd left his jacket and hat in the kitchen on the peg by the door, he'd stuffed the tie in his jacket pocket and his shirt was unbuttoned over half way down. Jane was looking at him and not at the couple in front of them; she raised her hand and beckoned him to her.
Buck crossed the room in record time; his desire building with each step. He looked down at Jane and put a finger under her chin, lifting her face to his; her lips were trembling, her eyes were wide open. Buck knelt down beside the settee as his lips found Jane's and he kissed her deeply. He heard Kid moan behind him and it served to increase his passion. His tongue pushed into her already open mouth and danced with Jane's; hers passed his lips and invaded his mouth with a hunger he'd never felt before. Buck could hear someone moaning but wasn't sure who it was; it could have been any of them. They continued, all four of them, in the parlor for several more minutes and finally Buck heard Kid whisper to Lou that he wanted more. Buck broke off the kiss and was surprised to find that his vest and her blouse had been removed. His hands shook as he stood and then lifted her into his arms.
"We're going to continue this upstairs….Have fun Kid." Buck carried Jane up to their room. Once the door had been kicked closed, Buck carried Jane to the bed and laid her gently down on it. He kissed her tenderly as he lay beside her; gathering her into his arms once more. They heard Kid and Lou come up the stairs and go into their room a few moments later.
Buck broke the kiss, ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He needed to know she was sure that she really wanted to make their marriage complete. "Jane, Honey, first let me say I love you. I want to be with you but I want you to really want me. I know how much the possibility of getting pregnant scares you, I only know of one way to totally avoid that problem." Jane just stared at Buck while he spoke. Her fingers traced a lazy figure eight around the buttons on his shirt. "If you're only agreeing to this because this is what you think I want then we don't have to do anything more than what we've been doing." Buck drew a deep breath. He wanted his wife in every way but he wanted her to be sure.
Jane didn't say a word but her fingers started to unbutton the buttons of his shirt, he moved his hand to help her but she smiled and pushed it away. Soon his shirt was unbuttoned and she began to work on the undershirt. The sounds from the next room served to heighten their arousal, Kid and Lou were definitely enjoying themselves. Jane sat on Buck with her knees on either side of his hips as she worked on the shirts; his body reacted. He held his breath hoping she wouldn't suddenly change her mind. Just feeling himself rub against her was further than they had ever gone.
Finally Jane moved and helped Buck sit up so he could fully remove his shirts. She was still sitting on his legs and he wrapped his arms around her back to keep her from falling. She kissed his nose and began unbuttoning her petticoat, it didn't take long for the restrictive garment to be on the floor beside his shirt. She was about to start on the camisole when they heard Lou cry out in ecstasy. Jane put one hand behind Buck's head and drew his lips to hers for a searing kiss. "I want to feel that way too, Buck…." Jane said as she broke the kiss and pulled the camisole over her head.
He began exploring her body and she moaned with pleasure. She was touching him in ways she had never done before. His hips were moving on their own and he knew he was approaching a point of no return. Suddenly Jane pulled off of him and stood beside the bed; her skirt still in place.
Buck rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillow, attempting to calm himself down. He was glad he still had his pants on; he'd make some excuse and go out to the barn to take care of himself. He knew it was too good to be true. A moment later he felt the bed move as Jane sat, then lay down beside him. Her hand gently rubbed his back, played with his hair a moment, then when he didn't respond she leaned in and put her face next to his on the pillow. "What's wrong Buck, did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" Jane kissed his lips and brushed the hair from his eyes. Buck lifted his face and looked at her; she was naked.
Buck put one arm around her waist and propped himself up on the other one. "I loved what you were doing I just didn't want you to stop. I'm sorry if I pushed things a little too far." Buck finished his sentence with a kiss to her waiting lips; he was almost in tears. He leaned more of his weight on her as she pulled him closer; his hands began to move. He closed his eyes as the kiss deepened and her hands tangled in his hair. Her free arm moved down to his well muscled back and pulled him as close as possible without him climbing onto her. This was such sweet torture.
Buck's eyes snapped open; Jane's hand had worked its way down to his trousers and was trying to unfasten them. Buck moved so that she had full access to him; she'd managed to unbutton the first two buttons when both Kid and Lou cried out from the next room. Buck prayed little Ike would stay asleep in his small room at the end of the hall. The cries of passion from the next room seemed to inspire Jane and Buck's trousers were undone in no time. Her hand gently but cautiously began to move; she'd never explored his body like this and Buck found himself holding his breath waiting for her to continue, afraid she'd stop.
She placed her head on his chest and listened to his heart pound out a tattoo while his breathing became more ragged. She enjoyed having this control over him and said so. "Buck, do you like this?" Buck could only nod, his eyes were closed and he was biting his lower lip. "I hope I'm doing it right…show me what you like…." Jane moved her head so her lips were almost touching his chest; her gentle breath caressed his sensitive skin.
"Hmmm, just do what you want, I'll guide you." Buck whispered into Jane's hair, he was afraid to speak out loud for fear she'd stop. Her hand was now resting low on his body; tentatively he reached down and placed his hand on top of hers. When she didn't pull away he gently began to guide her hand, teaching her what he enjoyed. Jane was a little tentative at first but soon learned what he liked best. "Jane, baby, this feels so good. Thank-you…" Buck moved his hand away from hers and placed his finger under her chin. He gently raised her face to his and looked deep into her eyes. "I love you." Before Jane could respond he captured her lips with his in a deeply passionate kiss.
Buck and Jane continued to explore each other in ways they had never done before. She moved to allow him easier access to her body and he did the same. They had never both given and received pleasure at the same time.
Jane had spoken to Lou at length about what to expect and Lou had done her best to reassure the younger woman that all of this was normal and not to be afraid. Jane looked down at her husband and swallowed hard, fighting her fears. She was sure Lou was wrong, there was no way something like that would ever do the things Lou had told her it was supposed to do. All Jane could think of was that Lou had lied; Lou was smaller than she was and Lou had told her that Kid and Buck were about the same size. Buck had tried to give her pleasure before this but she'd always stopped him, it felt too good and she was afraid she'd want more. Jane kept touching Buck the way he'd shown her his body was responding. She wondered what would happen, she'd been told but still…..
"Please don't stop….." Buck breathed into her ear just before his lips once again found hers. "This feels so…." He broke the kiss again. Jane looked back at Buck's face and saw he had thrown his head backward, squeezed his eyes shut and was moaning; not unlike the sounds she'd just heard from the room next door.
He put his hand on her's to stop her movements and pulled her head to his shoulder. I love you he whispered again and again into her hair. They rested like that for several minutes then he moved so he could return the pleasures she'd just given him. Soon she cried out in pleasure as her husband smiled down at her. Buck figured this was as far as she was letting him go and reluctantly moved up her body to hold her and calm them both down to sleep. He still longed for more but her body was shaking slightly and Buck knew she was still afraid of going any further.
"That was wonderful, sweetheart, thank you…." Buck moved so she couldn't really reach him, he needed to calm down before he went too far. He let his lips caress her face and lips, jaw and throat. "We don't have to do anymore tonight if you don't want to, you're shaking. Are you OK?"
"I'm fine but I thought….never mind…." Jane wasn't sure she'd be able to summon up enough courage to try this again for a long time if they didn't go any further tonight. She and Lou had planned this for over a month. Lou had told her what to expect and described how it would feel. So far she'd been right about everything. Jane had her doubts when she saw how big Buck was but she was still willing to try. "Hmmm, I love you" Jane snuggled into Buck's protective embrace.
"I love you too…..What were you thinking?" Buck kissed the top of her head and struggled to get his breathing under control; his body wanted so much more.
Jane took a deep breath; it was now or maybe never. "I thought you wanted me to have your children, how can I if we stop every time I get scared. I want you Buck….I'm scared to death but I want you….."
Buck didn't answer, he rolled over and began kissing her harder and deeper than he ever had before, he kissed her face, her throat, her shoulders and that spot where her shoulders and neck joined; the spot she loved to be touched in. She felt Buck's lips and teeth nip tenderly at her over sensitive skin and heard someone moaning, suddenly she realized it was herself. She found her hands moving over Buck's back and shoulders trying to pull him closer. He moved into a position that they had never been in before. He propped himself up looking down at her face; his own hidden by his long hair. "If you're not sure, stop me now…." He breathed heavily.
Jane moved her hands down his body and onto his firm backside; she pulled him tightly against her. She could easily feel his desire. Buck lowered his face to hers and kissed her tenderly. "Stop me…" he whispered into her lips.
"I want you Buck…." Jane whispered back into his lips as his mouth covered hers tenderly at first than with a hunger that scared them both a bit.
Buck positioned himself, ready to start a dance as old as time itself. Then he stopped. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you, I promised you I wouldn't."
"I know this will hurt a bit at first, its OK… Buck please you're scaring me….." Jane was fighting back tears her resolve was fading and fear was taking hold again. "I'm sure I want this."
Buck didn't respond with words, Jane felt his body stiffen, relax and then his leg and stomach muscles moved him into position again this time he didn't stop. At first Jane felt just a lot of pressure as Buck began the dance. Jane tried to remember what Lou had told her. Kid had told Buck what to expect the first time and Lou had agreed with Kid's advise. Buck was being very gentle as both he and Jane experienced a myriad of new sensations. He finally felt her relax and started to move again. They were both surprised when Jane cried out not in pain but in ecstasy. Buck felt a familiar tingling sensation in his lower stomach and back, he threw his head back and cried out as pleasure shot through him finally collapsing on the bed beside Jane. They were both covered in sweat and both had tears streaming down their cheeks; tears of joy. Buck pulled Jane close to him and kissed her over and over again.
When he was finally able to speak Buck turned her face up to his. "I love you; I love you so much, I don't think I have all the right words for how I feel right now. Thank-you. I know I hurt you and I'm sorry…."
"Buck I'm sorry I didn't let you do this on our wedding night. Yes it did hurt at first and I think I scratched your back up a little but after the first few minutes it felt so good. I hope we can make up for lost time…." Jane began sucking on Buck's Adam's apple and he moaned.
In the next room Kid and Lou smiled and again began to make love with each other. They had listened to Buck and Jane's cries and were sure that their plan had worked. Almost nine months to the day both couples welcomed healthy additions to their families.
The End (for now)