Author's Note: All the lyrics quoted in this story are from Dave Dobbyn's wonderful album Available Light and each of the sections have taken their titles from one of his songs. I hope you enjoy his beautiful words as much as I do.
Part One:
And you will lose everything
Chapter Five
i see you got big black eyes
and my spirit shudders and fades
with addiction's ladders and snakes
Hanmer Creek, Montana Territory - September 1865
Kid's body was aching from head to toe by the time he finally decided to return home. He looked around as he wandered toward the stables, his eyes dancing over the landscape. The light was fading and leaving a warm glow across the land, like the dying embers of a fire. Soon the shadows would creep their way up the mountains, marking the end of the day and the beginning of a deep, black night.
The work was hard, much harder without Buck's assistance, and he was having to take desperate measures to stop the ranch from going under, but God, he loved it. He knew the land like the back of his hand and every tree and the shadow it cast were familiar to him. Kid knew he could make it work. If they could just get over this patch things would start to improve and he could make a wonderful life for his small family in this open new land. He was going to succeed or die trying. He drew his shoulders up a little straighter as he felt himself invigorated by a renewed sense of purpose.
As Kid trudged up to the house, his muscles throbbing but his nostrils delighting in the scent of the evening air, he noticed that Noah hadn't run out onto the porch to greet him like usual. For a moment the thought crossed his mind that maybe Lou and Noah were still in town with Rachel, but the smell drifting out towards him of his dinner cooking told him otherwise.
"Smells good, sweetheart," Kid greeted as he walked into the kitchen. Lou was standing at the stove with her back to him and turned her head slightly when he spoke. "It's been a good day; got a lot done. Did you go to Rachel's?"
"Noah's asleep already," Lou said, her voice low. "You need to keep your voice down."
Kid face tensed into an exaggerated cringe and he tiptoed over to his wife. "I'm sorry, Louise. My beautiful, lovely wife…"
His hands reached out to encircle his wife's waist as he grinned from ear to ear, but Lou's reaction to his touch was immediate. She whirled around to face him, nearly hitting him with the wooden spoon which she still grasped in her hand.
In the days to come Kid would look back at this moment, at the moment when he felt his heart drop within his chest and he knew it was all over, and wonder what had shocked him most, the fury displayed on his wife's face or the deep purple bruise which marked her right cheekbone.
"Don't you touch me, Kid. Don't you dare touch me," Lou hissed. Tears were already welling in her eyes and her body shook with rage.
"Louise…Lou…what happened?" Kid whispered, checking the hand he had involuntarily lifted towards her face.
"How could you?"
Kid could feel his heart thumping against his ribcage. "Lou…"
"What were you thinking? Of all the stupid things…" Lou broke off as her voice grew louder. She looked over her shoulder at the wall that separated them from the room in which their son lay sleeping and then moved swiftly out of the room and onto the porch. There was no question that Kid was to follow her.
When her husband emerged behind her Lou had her mouth open ready to speak but Kid shook his head.
"Lou, I need to know what happened. You're hurt…I'm your husband, I…"
"Husband?" Lou seethed, swiping away his outstretched hand. "Don't play that card with me, Kid. This marriage obviously ain't what I thought it was. When were you going to tell me, Kid? When we were homeless? When James Fletcher came to kick us out of our home?"
"Fletcher? You spoke with Fletcher?"
"I know all about it, Kid. He told me what you've done. He…"
"Lou," Kid cut in anxiously. "Fletcher - you spoke with him today? Has that got anything to do with your face?"
"I know all about…"
But Kid was talking over the top of her, reality dawning on him with cruel certainty as he put two and two together.
"Lou, your face…How? Was it Fletcher? Did he hurt you, Lou?"
Kid's voice sounded incredulous even though he already knew the answer. His wife had raised a hand protectively to her bruised cheek and her chin began to tremble. Ignoring her protests, Kid took a step towards Lou and reached for her. She pushed at his outstretched arms and turned her face away, unwilling even to look at him, anger coursing through her body. After a brief struggle, Kid managed to place his hands on either side of her bruised face and Lou felt the energy she'd been running on all afternoon desert her.
"Louise." He was looking down at her face with concern and fear. He was waiting for an answer he didn't want to hear.
"He hit me," Lou gasped, tears falling from her eyes and running down the path created where Kid's work-worn hands met her face. "He tried to… he said if I didn't…he said next time I had to or he'd take the ranch."
Kid stood holding his wife's face for a moment as his insides clenched with anger and his blood ran icy cold, then he dropped his hands and pulled away from her.
Briefly, as she saw Kid turn and walk at a fast pace towards the stables, Lou watched dumbly. Seconds later she was on his heels.
"Kid! Kid, where are you going?"
Kid didn't pause or turn as he responded. "Fletcher."
"No, Kid, that ain't gonna help. You want to make things worse than they already are?"
"What do you want me to do?" Kid shouted, turning so suddenly that Lou nearly ran into him. "He can't get away with this!"
"I know that," Lou shouted back, "but you're not going to fix it like this."
All Kid could manage for a moment was to breathe; hot, angry breaths that made his nostrils flare. When he spoke again his jaw was tight and his hands clenched by his sides.
"He came here, to the house?"
Lou tried to keep her voice steady as she answered, resigned to having to talk about it if it kept Kid from riding off to strangle the man with his bare hands. "He was on his way here. We met him on our way back from Rachel's."
"And what did he say?"
"That he was coming to see you about repaying the loan. That he expected your conversation to be 'unpleasant'. Oh, Kid. How could you do it?"
Kid's shoulders dropped wearily.
"I had to, Lou. We weren't meeting the bank repayments and there weren't nowhere else to find the money from." His voice was full of anguish. "I know I should have told you…"
"Like hell you should have told me, Kid! You should have asked me; asked me my opinion. And what about Buck? You didn't see fit to let our partner in on our business problems?"
"He knows it's bad…just not how bad. I couldn't do it to him, Lou. He was so down about Claire. And I figured by the time he got back I'd have paid off Fletcher and we'd be getting back on our feet again. We're so close, Lou. All we need is a bit of time…"
Lou shook her head tiredly. "How many men do you think have said that before, Kid?"
"It's true, though, Lou. I know this can work. I know it!" When Lou didn't respond, Kid let out a sigh. "You don't know how hard this has been, dealing with all this on my own."
"That's just it, Kid," Lou cried. "You didn't have to do it on your own. You should have come to me and Buck. You should have told us the truth."
"I didn't want to put it on you; not when you've been so worried about Noah…"
"Don't you bring Noah into this, Kid," Lou snapped, her ire rising again. "You weren't thinking about me or Noah when you let Fletcher into our lives, a man who'll scare little boys and blackmail women."
"What exactly did he say to you, Lou?" Kid asked, the ferocity returning to his voice.
"He found money in my purse and said he'd take that as a payment this time but he'd be back for the rest of his 'installments'; that I should make myself more 'pleasing'. He said no one would believe me and that they would think I was making it up to get you out of the debt," Lou recounted, her eyes again brimming with tears.
"That bastard. That bastard! Who the hell does he think he is? I owe him money so he thinks he can have you? What kind of person…?"
Lou watched he husband as he tried to process it all. After a while it looked like he was gaining some control of himself; his fists weren't clenched so tight and the fury in his eyes was ebbing into sadness. Then, suddenly, he was looking straight at her, his brow creased in confusion.
"What money?"
Realizing her mistake too late, Lou tried to cover her tracks.
"Just…just a bit of money I'd got together; to get some things in town."
"Why did you still have it, then?" Kid asked. "You said you were on your way back from town. And why would he let you go for a few coins?"
Lou was lost for words. She stared up at Kid, desperately racking her mind to find a way to forestall the argument she knew would come when Kid found out.
"What aren't you telling me, Lou?"
"It wasn't a few coins," Lou said quietly, looking down at her feet. "It was money that…" She sighed, knowing there was no avoiding it now, and took the plunge. "It was from Jimmy."
Kid's back was instantly ram-rod straight. "Jimmy?" he spat. "Jimmy?"
"I've been writing to him, Kid, for a while. He's in Colorado marshaling and…"
"You asked Jimmy Hickok for money?" Kid shouted. "Is that some kind of joke? After what he did?"
"I never asked him for money, Kid," Lou shouted back. "He just sends it. He's trying to make things better."
"Wait. Sends it? You mean it's happened before?"
Lou was exhausted, defeated. She couldn't argue anymore. "Every couple of months since he left," she answered, looking Kid square in the eye.
Kid turned his back on Lou and stood with his hands clenching his hair. "All this time. All this time I thought I was keeping us afloat and really it was Jimmy. He's been supportin' my family with his winnings while I've been scrubbing around in the dirt like a fool."
He turned around to face Lou, his pallid face drawn and bitter. "And James Fletcher must think I'm a damn fool, too, if he thinks I'm going to let him get away with this. I owe the man money so he has the right to use my wife? He thinks I'm just going to take that? That I won't protect you?"
"Kid…"
"No. No, Lou," Kid said firmly, drawing his arm out of her grasp. "I might not have been doin' any kind of a job of lookin' after you all, but there's no way in hell I'm letting him hurt you like that."
Lou followed Kid to the stables trying to reason with him but all she could do was step aside as he rode his horse out of the yard. Her instinct was to follow him, but Noah was asleep in his bed and she had no chance of catching up with Kid once she'd got the little boy up and hitched up the buckboard. Feeling drained and numb, Lou stood in the yard a long while watching Kid ride out of sight and the dust begin to settle. She could do nothing to help him now and could only hope that, angry as he was, Kid had the sense not to make an awful mistake.
Chapter Six
and you dig that crazy grave
the folks around you raving
the soil forever caving in on you
take it from one who's drained
the cracked glass of despair again
and how to overcome
Rock Creek - 1861
Jimmy stopped just outside of town and let his head hang back, closing his weary eyes against the brightness of the crisp blue sky. He'd been dreading coming back since he rode out after his argument with Kid six days ago.
And now they'd be gone.
Jimmy couldn't imagine how different the place would be with them gone. Ike, Noah and now Kid and Lou. He knew it was different - that two of those friends had lost their lives and the other two were only leaving to start new ones - but it didn't change the fact that their 'family' was falling apart. Would they even bother to hold onto each other, the ones who were left, or would they all drift apart, carried by the waves created by the war? Jimmy didn't really want to go home to find out. It was easier to do the leaving than be left. Rosemary had taught him that lesson…among others.
The other thing that was holding him back was the reaction of his friends to how he'd dealt with Kid and Lou's departure, the things he'd said when pushed too far. He didn't want them feeling sorry for him. He did a good enough job of that himself.
He knew he looked rough. He'd let himself sink pretty low the last few days, doing a good few things that he wasn't proud of, let alone anyone back home. The thing that worried him was how easy it had been and how strangely fulfilling he had found it. It was hard always trying to live up to other people's standards. A lot easier to go someplace where the folks didn't expect a damn thing of you, apart from drinking, gambling and whoring. But he knew it showed on his face and the others would know straight away.
He thought once more about his parting words to Kid and cringed. He'd told everyone how he felt, what he had been keeping inside, and now there was no taking it back. He knew they'd probably misinterpret it - Kid would for sure. But explaining himself to the others would just open it all up again. And what was the point, anyway? Kid could think whatever he wanted. If they were never going to see each other again it didn't matter what he thought, did it?
It wasn't Lou he wanted, although God knows there were times he'd thought about it. It was their life; a life of promise and obscurity. They had each other and they had dreams. No one was spelling out their future for them, dictating who they were and what they were going to do. And there was no denying that he was jealous of Kid. That time with Lou, when he'd kissed her so stupidly and recklessly, he'd been driven by the acceptance he'd seen in her eyes, the admiration, even. He'd wanted so desperately to be the man she seemed to see when she looked at him. He'd wanted to be part of something that pure and good. Everyone knew Kid and Lou drove each other crazy at times, but they accepted each other's flaws and loved each other in spite of them, maybe even because of them, in part. Who wouldn't want to be loved like that?
With an audible groan Jimmy gave Sundance a nudge and they continued on into town.
Rachel walked onto the porch as she saw Jimmy riding in, wiping her floury hands on her apron. She offered a silent prayer of thanks and then called over her shoulder to those in the house. As he drew closer she stepped down from the porch and walked towards him.
"You look terrible," she commented, giving his arm a gentle squeeze once he had dismounted.
"I'm fine," was the gruff reply, offset only by a smile so slight it showed only in his eyes. "I'm gonna take care of Sundance, then get some sleep."
"Well, hold up just a minute," Rachel murmured, looking over her shoulder towards the open door to the house. "I think the others want to say hello."
Jimmy frowned. "I was gone six days, Rachel, not six years. Buck and Teaspoon can't have missed me that much."
He turned to lead his horse away but turned back when he heard Rachel say his name and felt her touch on his arm.
Standing on the porch with Teaspoon were Kid and Lou.
Kid looked stony-faced and had his arms folded across his chest but Lou was grinning from ear to ear, as was Teaspoon. A moment after his brain had registered that they were there, Jimmy found Lou in his arms, her arms looped around his neck. He haltingly dropped Sundance's reins and returned her hug.
"What are you doin' here? I thought you would've gone," he asked in confusion.
"We did go," Lou smiled up at him. "And now we're back."
Jimmy looked from Lou's smiling face to Kid's blank one. "I don't understand."
"We came back because we changed our minds about goin' to Virginia," Lou said.
"Someone changed them for us."
Jimmy looked up at the sound of Kid's voice. He was standing on the edge of the porch looking down at them both, his face still expressionless. Then Kid's head dropped down and when he raised it again he looked at Jimmy with his head tilted and a grin on his face.
"You were right, Jimmy…But don't expect to hear those words comin' out my mouth ever again."
Teaspoon, Rachel and Lou broke into laughter but Jimmy's tired mind was still struggling to take it all in. He did, however, manage to walk over to Kid and reach up to shake his hand, a smile forming on his face as he did so.
"I'm glad, Kid. I'm real glad."
Buck smiled to himself as he watched the goings on from a distance. It was like watching Lou and Kid ride back in all over again, experiencing the revelation a second time, this time from Jimmy's point of view. He turned to head back to the barn and finish the chores he had started. It was a relief knowing Kid and Lou were safe - as safe as any of them ever were, anyway. But, more than that, he was pleased they were all making an effort to stay together. Family was hard to come by; if you found it, you had to hang on tight.
1862
Over the last few months life at the old Express station had settled into a familiar rhythm. It wasn't always a comfortable rhythm but it was the only way they could make it work.
Despite returning to Rock Creek, Kid still felt some guilt for not heading home to Virginia. It didn't sit well with him, letting other men go out and fight his battle, but any thoughts he had on the matter were overpowered by his desire to make things work with Lou and the rest of the 'family'. Jimmy's words on that fateful day had struck a chord with him and he knew there was no going back. Family was what made a place a home, and his home was here now.
Kid walked back towards the house he and Lou still shared with Rachel, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets to escape from the cold. He'd just lost another few hours work; Widow Mason couldn't afford to keep him on anymore. There was no doubt about it - the work was drying up.
Since the end of the Express he had been picking up odd jobs around the place, trying to scrape together a wage. Recently that wage was getting harder and harder to come by and he knew it was the same for Buck, too. Jimmy was the only one who didn't seem affected by the lack of honest work. It didn't matter what was going on in the rest of the world, the saloons would always boast a crowd of men eager to lose their money to you, or to take yours.
The amount of time Jimmy was spending in various nearby saloons was one of the topics Kid was avoiding in order to keep the peace. He kept his mouth shut when Jimmy rolled back into town after a few days away looking like death warmed up. He didn't mention the fact that Jimmy was at the centre of a lot of the brawls which Teaspoon had been breaking up in town lately or that he'd been seen in the company of a few less than genteel young ladies. As long as he didn't come home drunk or bring trouble to their doorsteps Kid was trying to remember it was none of his business.
What made that a little easier said than done was the look of concern which had made a home for itself on Teaspoon's weathered features and watching his wife sit at the bedroom window of a night, waiting to make sure their errant friend made his way home in one piece before she could sleep soundly.
Kid made his way up the steps onto the porch and recognized the sound of his wife humming away to herself in the midst of her latest cooking attempt. He smiled to himself in spite of his worry. Coming home to Lou always reminded him that the decision he had made was the right one. He crept into the kitchen and caught his wife around the waist and was rewarded by a squeal of surprise, followed by a warm and welcoming kiss.
"Mornin' Hickok, ain't seen you around the last couple of…"
"Whiskey." The word was a demand not a request and the barkeeper followed Hickok's lead. He shut his mouth and poured the drink, sweeping up the coins which the other man had laid on the bar.
Jimmy took his drink and turned around, leaning against the bar with his elbows propped up. There was a card game in progress in the corner and after downing his drink he walked over to the vacant chair.
"Boys."
"Hickok. Take a seat."
Jimmy eased into the chair and looked around the table as the players completed the hand. Wallace and Johnson he knew, but there was a young man, a boy, sitting across from him who he hadn't seen around before. The boy was looking back at Jimmy in between pretending to play the game.
When Johnson had won the hand and was drawing his winnings towards him, the boy could contain himself no longer.
"Simon Perkins," he said, reaching his hand across the table to Jimmy. "I'm real pleased to meet you, Mr. Hickok."
Jimmy grunted a reply and turned his attention to the cards being dealt. The fresh faced youth was still watching him.
"So, uh, you live around these parts, Bill?"
Wallace and Johnson both looked up sharply and then wisely directed their attention back to the cards in their hands. Jimmy, meanwhile, hadn't looked up from his. After fingering his cards intently for a long moment, he flipped some coins into the centre of the table. As he did so the glanced up at Perkins.
"Just who is it you're talkin' to, boy?"
Foolish though the boy was, he knew enough to recognize the steely tone in Hickok's voice. He opened his mouth to talk but no words came out.
Suddenly a loud shout came from above, followed by a noise which sounded like wooden furniture breaking. A door could be heard being flung open and then some more shouting. Jimmy looked up in time to see a man's body come tumbling over the balcony and down onto the next table, splitting it in half.
"What the hell?" Jimmy muttered to himself in annoyance as everyone jumped up and rushed over to where the man lay.
Reluctantly laying down his cards, Jimmy got to his feet and walked over to the broken table. The small crowd of men parted to let him through and he crouched down to examine the body. The bloody state of the man's head confirming there was nothing more to be done, Jimmy looked up and saw the barkeeper rushing back down the stairs.
"What happened Garson?" Jimmy asked, walking over towards the man.
"It was Jessie," the barkeep replied, rubbing his temples and glancing anxiously towards where the crowd still stood. "Said the man was beating on her so she pulled out a gun. He was in such a hurry to get out of there he ran right into the banister and went over the top. He'd been in here drinkin' since last night."
"Someone needs to get the Marshal."
Jimmy looked around at the voice from the crowd and then back at Garson. "Make sure Jessie don't go no place and get that lot out of here. I'll go get Teaspoon."
Squinting as he stepped out into the sunlight, Jimmy turned and started making his way down the street. No point in hurrying. The man was dead and the girl's story couldn't be proved or disproved. Besides anything, the sooner he got to the jail the sooner he had to tell Teaspoon that he'd been drinking and gambling at eleven o'clock in the morning.
As Jimmy neared the jail he was brought up short by the sound of Rachel in obvious distress. As he moved closer he caught a glimpse of her and Teaspoon through the window and then heard his name. Drawing back so that he couldn't be seen, he stood quietly and listened.
"…got to let it run its course," he heard Teaspoon saying, his voice weary.
"What if it doesn't stop here?" Rachel countered. "Are we just going to let him go further and further down the wrong path?"
"If we confront him about it we're only gonna push him away, sweetheart. At least if he's here we can keep an eye on him, yank him back in line if he goes too far."
"When's too far? When he's forgotten the meaning of an honest day's work? When he spends more time drunk than sober? When he gets himself killed?"
It was Lou's voice that time and Jimmy leant his head back against the wall. He was angry that they were in there talking about him, sure, but more than that he felt guilty. Every word they said was true. They knew he was getting in too deep and they didn't even know the half of it. What's more, they didn't know that he was enjoying it, taking a perverse pleasure in every fall he took.
"I don't know, Lou. I don't know. I guess we just gotta look after him the best we can."
Jimmy turned and took a few steps away from the building. When he turned back he had his emotions under control and noisily made his way back towards the jail. He ignored the startled expressions of the others as he walked in and the way Lou tried to hide her red, puffy eyes. He tried for some kind of smile.
"Bit of trouble over at the saloon, Teaspoon. One of the girls and some drunk."
Teaspoon let out an exaggerated sigh. "Oh, for a quiet life."
Buck was sitting on the edge of Teaspoon's desk and rose to his feet as the older man made for the door. "Need a hand, Teaspoon?"
"I'll go," Jimmy cut in, then looked awkwardly at Teaspoon. "If you want."
"Thank you, son," the older man smiled, placing a hand on Jimmy's shoulder as he followed him out the door.
The three remaining occupants of the room looked at each other with enquiring eyes before moving off.
Jimmy had made it to dinner at the house for the first time in over a week. The conversation he'd overheard that morning had been running through his mind all day and he'd stayed away from the saloon after helping Teaspoon tidy matters up. After a day spent out riding, Jimmy had found himself still stone cold sober by the time the sun went down and decided to make an appearance at the evening meal.
He'd been sitting quietly listening to the others talk. It was comforting, in a way, to hear their easy chatter, but it also made him realize that he was on the outside now. Kid had been describing the neighboring property which he'd inspected that morning. He, Lou and Buck had decided that the best way to make a living for themselves was to buy their own property and start up a horse ranch. Jimmy had kept well clear of all the plans and only knew that buying a property was proving harder than they'd thought. They had quickly discovered that, even after pooling their money, they were coming up short.
"Close to town, the house and barn well kept; it was great."
Kid threw down his napkin and sat back in his chair.
"So how much did he want?" Buck asked.
"Same as usual - too much. It would have been so perfect. Now it just feels like we're never gonna get there." Kid replied as he watched his wife despondently push her food around her plate with her fork.
"So you need more money?" Jimmy summarized, looking up from his meal.
"Yeah," Kid sighed. "A lot more."
There was a short pause.
"I got money."
Everyone at the table looked up at Jimmy in surprise as he looked back down at his plate and took another mouthful of food. When no one spoke, Jimmy looked back up.
"I mean, if you all don't want another partner, I understand," he said, trying to keep his voice calm and light. "It was just a thought."
"Really, Jimmy?" asked Lou, the first one to find her voice.
Jimmy shrugged. "Sure. But like I said, I'll understand if…"
"No," Kid said, in bewilderment. "We just didn't think…I mean, you never really seemed interested and we…"
"You really want to go partners with us?" Buck asked.
Jimmy's reply was a broad grin. "If you reckon you could put up with me."
Kid let out a whoop of laughter and, rising to his feet, extended a hand to Jimmy across the table. "You got a deal."
A round of hand-shaking and hugs followed and Rachel even had to wipe away a tear. Only Teaspoon remained less than joyous and when he locked eyes with Jimmy in the midst of the celebrations there was something in the young man's gaze that turned Teaspoon's curiosity to doubt.
Kid and Louise McCloud were lying in bed watching the red blush of dawn creeping in through their uncovered window and across their bedroom ceiling. Lou's head was resting against Kid's shoulder and they were holding hands, their fingers entwined.
"You're going to regret not getting any sleep when you're half way through mucking out Bailey's barn," Lou grinned, placing a kiss on her husband's bare shoulder.
"I can't help it, Lou," Kid answered, turning over so that he was lying on his side and facing his wife. "I can't believe it's all working out. By tonight we'll be joint owners of a horse ranch! I feel so excited; so full of energy!"
"I noticed that," Lou giggled, running her fingers down Kid's chest.
Kid laughed and gave Lou a cheeky smile. "You didn't exactly seem lethargic yourself."
There was silence for a while as they kissed, Lou wrapping her arms around her husband's shoulders and holding him tight.
"It's gonna be so good, Lou," Kid whispered, pulling back to look down at her. "I promise."
With that he swung his legs over the side of the bed and began to get dressed and ready for the day.
"I've never seen you so eager to be gettin' to work," Lou observed, rolling over so that she was lying across the bed and resting on her elbows as she watched her husband.
"Sooner I get my work done the sooner I can head over to see Mr. Fisher and pay him the money. And then," Kid announced, picking up his clean shirt with a flourish, "my days of muckin' out other men's barns are over."
"And the days of muckin' out your own can begin," Lou added.
"Yeah," Kid agreed with a laugh. "Listen, can you catch up with Jimmy and Buck this mornin' and tell them they need to bring their share of the money with them today? I'll meet them at Teaspoon's after work and we can go over to Fisher's together."
"Sure," Lou answered, raising her face to accept the kiss her husband offered. "You're not headin' off already? What about breakfast?"
"Too busy for breakfast, Louise. I got a business dealings to attend to," Kid advised her in a grandiose tone before dropping another kiss on her head and practically flying out the bedroom door.
Lou rolled onto her back as she listened to Kid go tearing down the stairs two at a time. His enthusiasm was infectious. She crawled out of bed and began dressing. Today was going to be such a wonderful day, she didn't want to miss a second of it.
Kid felt like he was floating on air as he walked down the street towards the jail. He'd told John Bailey he wouldn't be needing the job any more and finished his day's work in record time. In a short while he, Lou, Buck and Jimmy would be heading out to the Fisher place - the soon to be McCloud, Cross and Hickok place - to take ownership. He was so busy thinking about his plans that he didn't even notice the looks on their faces as he walked into the jail.
"Afternoon, folks. Anyone feel like buyin' a ranch?"
He stood grinning from ear to ear and looking around at his friends, and it was then that he realized something was wrong.
"What is it?" he asked, his brow creasing as his gaze settled on Lou's pale face and her red-rimmed eyes. "What's happened?"
"Jimmy," Buck said tonelessly, from where he was slumped in a chair next to Teaspoon's desk.
"What happened to him? Is he alright?"
There was a strained silence.
"He's gone, son," Teaspoon stated, walking over to him and placing a firm hand on his shoulder.
"Gone?"
"He left town," Buck elaborated. Kid noticed the bitter edge to his friend's voice and stared disbelievingly.
"He what?"
"He didn't come back to the bunkhouse last night. No one's seen him since yesterday."
"Well…" Kid's brain fought for a moment to think this through. "Maybe he's just…"
"He's taken his stuff," Buck continued. "Not everything, but the important things are gone. I checked this morning when we couldn't find him."
Kid looked around at the faces surrounding him. Lou's eyes had filled with tears and Rachel had a hand pressed to her lips. Teaspoon's hand tightened its grip on his shoulder.
"Who saw him last?" he asked in a clipped voice which didn't sound to him like his own.
"Spoke to a couple of boys who said they saw him in the saloon…" Teaspoon began.
Kid was out the door and striding towards the saloon before Teaspoon could finish his sentence.
When the doors to the saloon banged open a few bleary eyes looked up in interest at the young man striding towards the bar.
"Garson," Kid called as he reached the bar, his fingers digging into the stained wood.
"What can I get you?" the barkeep asked, walking towards Kid.
"Hickok, Jimmy Hickok; you seen him?" Kid demanded.
He could hear footsteps behind him and turned his head briefly to see Buck and Teaspoon approaching.
Garson laughed. "Don't think I'd want to see him this mornin'. Must be feelin' mighty bad after last night. Never seen him like that before."
"Like what?" Teaspoon asked, quietly.
"Well, he didn't have a drop to drink the whole night, aside from the bottle he took with him when he left. But he was playin' cards like he was too far gone to see the damn things, let alone win a hand."
"He lost money?" Kid asked in a cold voice.
"He lost a hell of a lot of money," Garson corrected. "Like I said, though, I ain't never seen him play like that. Didn't win a single hand. It was like he wanted to lose. Didn't talk to a single damn person except to ask for more cards. Didn't fold a single time, neither, even if he had a dud hand. Just kept piling the money on the table till he only had enough left to buy a bottle of whiskey as he walked out the door. He must be feelin' like hell right about now."
Kid continued to stare at the man until Garson started to look uncomfortable, mumbled something about getting something from out the back and disappeared. Then Kid turned and looked at his two friends. Buck's eyes glinted with anger just as he imagined his own must, but Teaspoon's were glistening with what Kid could only interpret as sorrow. He walked past them and out the door.
"Kid," Teaspoon's voice called out to him but Kid kept on walking. "Son, hold up a minute. I know you're hurting but you gotta understand…"
"Understand what?" Kid snapped, whirling around to see not only Teaspoon and Buck but Rachel and Lou, who had walked over from the jail. "I've had enough of understanding James Butler Hickok. His life's so damn hard because he's got a reputation. We all gotta be understanding because he's feeling guilty over folks calling him out? Well I'll tell you one thing…"
He looked around at his assembled friends with a face like thunder. "If that cowardly bastard ever sets foot in this town or anywhere the hell near me again, I'll be the one calling him out."
Kid turned and walked away. To his fury he felt his eyes filling with tears and he brushed them away with the back of his sleeve. It was all gone; all the dreams which had suddenly filled him with life and hope. Gone. Kid liked to think that there weren't many people he'd met in his short life who he actually hated, but however many there were he knew one thing for sure: Jimmy Hickok had just added himself to the list.
Chapter Seven
i hold you now, i'll never leave, no way
Coleyville, Colorado Territory - September 1865
Jimmy looked up from his desk to see Mike Wallace walk through the door, plastered with mud from head to foot but with that irrepressible, annoying, inane smile still fixed to his face. Just looking at the boy made Jimmy feel old.
"I'm back, Boss," he chirped, letting his saddlebags slide off his shoulder onto the floor and drawing up the chair on the other side of the desk from Jimmy.
"I can see that," Jimmy rasped in reply. "Everything went alright?"
"'Course. You know you can count on me, Boss," Mike grinned, propping his feet up on the desk and causing the rickety wood to creak in protest. "What's with the voice?"
"Nothin'," Jimmy croaked irritably, swatting at his young deputy's feet. "Ain't you got no manners, boy?"
Mike, as usual, ignored the reprimand. "You sick or something?"
"The only thing I'm sick of is you, and you've only been back two minutes. Now if you ain't got nothin' you need to talk to me about…" He saw Mike open his mouth and quickly elaborated. "Any work matters you need to talk to me about, then I suggest you go get some shuteye. Yellow's having a day off and I'll need you back here tonight."
"Sure thing," Mike uncurled his ridiculously tall frame from his sitting position and rose to his feet. "I'll be back this evenin'."
Jimmy only nodded in reply. The itch in his throat was nearly unbearable and he knew if he opened his mouth he'd dissolve into another coughing fit. He watched as Mike picked up his saddlebags and strolled out the door, before a deep wracking cough overtook his body. When he finally managed to catch his breath, he was sitting in his chair with his head in his hands and his elbows propped on his knees.
He'd woken in the early hours of the morning to the raw stabbing pain in his throat and a dull ache spreading through his neck and shoulders. Now his face was throbbing and breathing was difficult. Jimmy let out a quiet groan which he cut short when he heard a voice from the doorway.
"You don't sound so good, Boss," Mike declared, as Jimmy turned around to find the younger man still standing in the doorway. "Can I get you anything? Want me to stick around so you can go get some rest?"
Jimmy was just about to snap back a terse response when he recognized the genuine concern in Mike's demeanor. "No, Mike. Thanks. You just get yourself back here tonight; I'll live."
Mike nodded and took his leave. Jimmy sat back in his chair and let his head fall back. He thought longingly of his bed back at the boarding house and began counting down the hours until he could crawl under the covers and die.
***
The afternoon wasn't turning out as planned. Instead of being able to wallow in his own self pity in the relative comfort of his office, Jimmy was standing in the corner of the tiny school room waiting for the town meeting to begin. He'd forgotten all about the damn meeting until Mr. Kilburn had stopped by to remind him and as soon as he walked in he had remembered why he usually - always, if he was truthful - sent Yellow or Mike to these meetings in his place.
This was a gathering of the meager 'polite society' that Coleyville had to offer. Pastor Maxwell sat at a desk in the front row, waiting patiently and smiling in response to Mrs. Kilburn's constant chatter. A collection of the town's business owners were squeezed in behind the various other desks. The vast majority were men but a few women had joined them: Mrs. Kilburn, Mrs. Watkins from the boarding house, the scandalously young new wife of Doc Phillips, and Katie.
Jimmy watched her out of the corner of his eye from his position at the back of the room. She was facing the front and talking with Mrs. Phillips, who sat next to her. He was contemplating the curve of her cheek and the smooth line of her jaw when a voice barked out next to him.
"Don't often see you at these exciting events, Bill."
Jimmy's eyes flicked away from Katie but he turned his head only slightly in acknowledgment of the man who had appeared at his left elbow.
"No, you don't."
Alex Clarke looked around the room with an expression of absolute boredom before his gaze picked out something of interest. "Course, even dullest gatherings can have benefits."
The saloon owner dug his elbow into Jimmy's side and gestured to where Katie and the new Mrs. Phillips were sitting. Jimmy responded to the man's loud guffaw with a scowl, as did a few of the other townspeople sitting nearby. Alex Clarke was loud and vulgar and not appreciated in a polite gathering like this.
"So, Bill," Clarke continued, oblivious to the marshal's distaste. "My girls done somethin' to offend you?"
"What?" Jimmy snapped, his patience running out.
"We ain't seen you around much lately. Listen, I've got a few new girls; should be somethin' there that takes your fancy. Come on round tonight and you can have a free go at one of them."
Most of the heads in the room turned in their direction. Jimmy's gaze didn't waver. He continued staring fixedly in front of him and when he spoke to Clarke it was with a low, steely tone, quiet enough that at least this part of their conversation wouldn't be overheard.
"Enough, Clarke."
With that, Jimmy walked past the man without even looking at him and took up position at the window on the left hand side of the room. As he stared out through the glass towards the river, he could sense people turning back around and heard them resuming their conversations. To his consternation he realized that the color had risen in his cheeks. Trying to justify it to himself, he put it down to being a little ill, but he knew perfectly well that had nothing to do with it. He stole a quick glance back into the room and saw Katie talking now to Pastor Maxwell. She had to have heard; everyone did. But why the hell would it matter if she had? He'd never led her to think…he never pretended…damn it, she knew all about what kind of man he was.
But he didn't want her to know. There was the truth. He'd left Rock Creek because he knew he couldn't keep it hidden from his family any longer, his true nature. And now he realized he didn't want Katie to see it either. Maybe that was more the reason for keeping their relationship a secret than his concern for her safety should people find out. Maybe that's why he wanted to keep her at arm's length. Maybe at that distance she wouldn't get a clear view of what he looked like. And he wouldn't be tempted to try and convince her of a worth he was once told he had, but no longer felt.
From the first time he saw Katie Collins he knew he should stay away, but his need for her constantly overwhelmed his usually sound resolve. He hadn't even noticed the shift when he stopped trying to talk himself out of his obsession. Now it was all he could do to stop himself beaming like an idiot whenever he passed her in the street. The plans he had made with anguish-fueled determination, to cut himself off from anyone he couldn't stand to hurt, were becoming harder and harder to stick to.
Jimmy suddenly realized the view out of the window was starting to look a little blurry and the sound of the chatter in the school room was being drowned out by the thunderous pulsing of blood past his ears. He turned around to take a seat on the windowsill and was greeted by a dozen curious faces looking back at him.
"Marshal Hickok?"
Olaf Petersen was standing at the front of the room looking at him with an expression of mixed impatience and curiosity. He and the rest of the crowd were apparently waiting for an answer. "Uh," Jimmy folded his arms protectively over his chest. In the far corner of the room Alex Clarke let out a loud snicker.
"Mr. Petersen," Pastor Maxwell spoke up, looking at Jimmy with more than a touch of pity, "was just welcoming Miss Collins to the meeting in Mr. Miller's place and was asking when the judge was expected to be here to try the Miller case."
"Oh, uh, soon," Jimmy sputtered. "Any day now."
"Very well," Mr. Petersen sighed. "It's nice to know our marshal is so sharp and on top of matters."
A quiet murmur of laughter spread around the room. For a brief moment Jimmy locked eyes with Katie, saw her lips curled into a smile, half amusement and half sympathy, and felt his color rise even further. They both looked away quickly.
"Anyway, on with the meeting. The first item up for discussion is the problem many of us are encountering with female employees of the saloon attempting to ruin our livelihoods by frequenting the boardwalk outside…"
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Petersen you asshole," Clarke broke out from the back of the room. "How many more times…"
"That is not appropriate language for a town meeting," Mr. Petersen cried in a high-pitched tone over the top of Clarke's fiery admonition. "Marshal Hickok, surely you're not just going to stand by and let this ignorant…"
"Who the hell you callin' ignorant, you jumped-up sissy?" Clarke barked back.
Jimmy let a string of his own curse words run through his tired head before he stepped into the fray.
***
His day didn't improve when he returned to the jail after the meeting. He'd only come back to sit in his chair and wait out the minutes until Mike Wallace came back to work, but as soon as he walked through the door he had seen the man in the cell looking out at him with an unusual look on his face. Something about the expression brought Jimmy up short.
Not once in the days since Jimmy had ridden back into town with his prisoner had the man shown the slightest hint of knowing where he was, let alone talking. Nothing Jimmy or Yellow had said to him had brought about a response. Day and night he sat in his cell, looking out the window as if he was waiting for something. That would have made Jimmy nervous with most men, but it was obvious this particular prisoner didn't have all of his wits about him and Jimmy shrugged it off.
Now, however, the prisoner was standing at the bars, his face pressed up against them and his eyes fixed on the marshal.
"Ain't he comin'?"
"What?" Jimmy asked, stopping still in the doorway. "Who? Ain't who comin'?"
"A man walked by before. Shouted that I was gonna hang. Am I gonna hang?"
Jimmy looked back into the cool blue eyes which were fixed on him with a childlike urgency. He took a step towards the cell.
"Did you attack Esther Miller?"
"She's real pretty," a slow smile spread across the man's weathered features. "Real pretty lady."
Jimmy winced in disgust and his expression hardened.
"Yes. You're gonna hang," he confirmed briskly, turning from the man to walk over to his desk. "You got a name I can tell the judge when he comes?"
When he received no reply, Jimmy turned to face the man and saw him staring back.
"My brother said not to talk to you."
The hairs on Jimmy's arms stood on end but he showed no outward reaction to this piece of information.
"Who's your brother?"
"He said go to Coleyville and wait for him. Don't say nothin' to nobody. 'Specially Hickok." There was a sing-song tone to the man's speech now which annoyed Jimmy nearly as much as the words he was saying. Jimmy walked closer to the cell.
"I'm gonna ask you again and you'd best answer me, understand? Who is your brother?"
"Don't say nothin' to nobody. Nothin' to nobody. Nothin' to nobody." The prisoner was looking back at Jimmy but the recognition had gone; he could just as well be looking at a wall. As Jimmy watched, the man shuffled away from the bars and slumped down onto the cot, still mumbling to himself.
For a moment, Jimmy thought about unlocking the cell and making the man pay a bit of attention, but the muscles in his neck and back were throbbing with pain and his vision was becoming even more blurred than it had been earlier. He shook his head and turned his back.
"I'll deal with you and your brother tomorrow," he muttered.
The appearance of Mike Wallace had never been more welcome to Jimmy, who let out a sigh of relief as he saw the young man walking across the street. After a brief word to his deputy, Jimmy retreated home to bed.
***
From somewhere outside, beyond the cocoon of sheets and blankets, Jimmy could hear a knocking sound. He roused himself a little, wiping a trail of drool from his cheek. A voice had joined with the banging on his door.
"Marshal Hickok."
"What?" Jimmy rasped in a voice that could barely be heard. He cleared his throat and tried again. "What? Who is it?"
"Come and open this door, young man. If I have to go back downstairs to get my keys I won't be happy."
Mrs. Watkins. Jimmy groaned and started struggling to sit up. As he sat on the edge of the bed and waited for his head to stop swimming, he heard footsteps in the hallway and Mrs. Watkins started talking again to whoever it was who had just arrived.
"Oh, hello, sugar. Whatever have you got there?"
"Mrs. Watkins! Uh, food. That is, I, er, I brought some food from the restaurant for the Marshal. He didn't look too well at the meeting."
Jimmy jumped to his feet only to nearly topple back over again. Katie was outside the door. He padded across the floorboards as quickly as he could manage, ready to intervene in the awkward meeting in the hallway.
"Well, that's very kind of you dear. Although, I'm sure I could have rustled something up for him. He didn't look the picture of health, did he? Of course, if he doesn't open the door soon…"
Jimmy pulled open the door and looked out at the two women on the other side. They both looked back at him, taking in the sight of the town's marshal, the famous Wild Bill Hickok, standing in the doorway in his long johns, his hair disheveled and his nose a raw-looking red. A mischievous smile tugged at the corners of Katie's mouth.
"Right, my dear," Mrs. Watkins said to Katie after the shocked silence. "Looks like we got here just in time. You, young man, sit down in that chair while I change the sheets. Katie, you can set your tray down on that table."
Mrs. Watkins bustled into the room, nearly bowling Jimmy over in the process.
"I can look after myself," he croaked in protest. "I'm not a child."
"Ha!" Mrs. Watkins laughed, dropping her bundle of clean sheets onto the bed. "Show me a sick man who doesn't behave like a child."
A distant thudding caught the boarding house owner's attention, her head snapping up instantly. "Speaking of which. I believe that's Mr. Watkins. Oh dear, I…"
"It's alright, Mrs. Watkins," Katie intervened, taking the pillow out of the older woman's hands. "You go and look after Mr. Watkins. I can get the Marshal settled." "Are you sure, dear? I could always…"
The thudding grew louder as Mr. Watkins pounded against the wall with his cane.
"Alright. Thank you, sugar; that would be very helpful. What on earth does that man want now?" Mrs. Watkins sped out of the room as fast as she had sped in.
Katie turned to where Jimmy was still standing by the door. She smiled gently. "Sit down, Bill. I'll get your bed sorted."
Jimmy complied weakly, allowing his weary body to sink onto the wooden chair. "Thanks, Katie."
***
He was still sitting in the chair when she got back and was embarrassed to admit to himself that his wheeze had turned into something of a snore in the five minutes since she left the room. He sat himself up straight and tried to open his eyes a little wider. In her hands she was carrying white cloth garment.
Katie had balked at the idea of him climbing into his freshly made bed wearing the sweaty long johns he'd been wearing since morning and, when he told her he didn't have anything else clean, she'd disappeared upstairs.
"Here," she smiled, holding out the folded garment. "This will do for now."
Jimmy started getting to his feet but his muscles protested and he gratefully accepted the helping hand Katie extended to him. Then he came to the awkward realization that he was going to have to strip in front of her. He gave Katie a sidelong glance and saw her grinning.
"You said you wanted the chance to take all your clothes off with me," she teased. "There's even a bed."
"Ain't exactly what I had in mind," Jimmy grumbled, pulling at his sweat-damp clothing.
Minutes later he was installed in a clean, fresh bed wearing a soft, white nightshirt.
"How come you have a man's nightshirt, anyway?" Jimmy asked, leaning back against his pillows, his eyes closed.
Katie tugged the faded curtains together firmly, then stood looking at them, like she wasn't quite sure what to do next. Jimmy opened his eyes when she didn't answer and watched her. Her back was to him and he could only make out the side of her face, the soft curve of her cheek and the enticing stretch of skin leading down to her collar. The same view he had been appreciating hours earlier in the meeting. Jimmy was sure he could just look at her for hours. When she finally spoke her voice almost startled him.
"I made it for my husband, John. He was killed at Vicksburg. I've just never gotten rid of it."
The revelation reverberated around the room. A husband. Someone else had wanted her like he did. A thousand thoughts and questions assaulted his brain, none of which he had the right to voice.
"I didn't know."
"I didn't tell you."
Jimmy wasn't sure where to start with all that he knew should be said, needed to be said. He raised himself up on one elbow. "Katie…"
"It's alright, Bill." She came away from the window and sat on the edge of his bed, her hands pulling the blankets higher up towards his neck. "Your body's tired; you need to rest."
Looking into her blue-grey eyes and seeing an encouraging glow, Jimmy accepted the temporary let off she was offering and closed his eyes. He felt awful. His head was throbbing and there was a tight feeling in his chest that made him feel trapped and pinned down. He pulled another breath into his lungs and tried to push all thoughts out of his head as his mind sank into sleep.
***
His thoughts were hopelessly muddled. He knew he was dreaming but he couldn't wake up to stop it. A man was there, bearing down over Jimmy with his great height. He looked just like the Kid. Blue eyes, an honest face. But it wasn't Kid, it was John Collins and he was holding Katie's hand.
As Katie and her husband looked on, events from Jimmy's life rolled past them. Jimmy running out of Rock Creek in the middle of the night like a thief; Elias hanging from a rope; an innocent woman lying in the dirt, felled by a bullet from Jimmy's gun, her desperate husband holding her in his arms; Brad dying with a stunned expression on his face and Jimmy's bullet in his body; drunken brawls in countless saloons; every man he'd ever killed; every mistake he'd ever made; Teaspoon, Rachel, Buck, Lou, Kid and Cody with looks of anger and disgust on their faces, which Jimmy had never seen with his own eyes, but which he had imagined every day of his life since he left; and Rosemary…always Rosemary.
The reenactments stopped and Jimmy was standing in a dusty street, crying hot tears which coursed down his face. He was hot and tired. It was hard to breath. He looked up and saw Emma standing before him.
"I've known men like you," she said, her voice a distant echo from the past. "Once you take that path there's no turning back."
Jimmy turned to look back and saw Katie standing a few feet away. John was gone and she was holding out her hand to him.
"Bill. It's alright, Bill. Come on." Her voice was gentle and coaxing, anxiety laced through each word.
Jimmy tossed his head and felt a cool cloth against his cheek. He opened his eyes and, once everything came into focus, he saw Katie leaning over him, her face warmly illuminated by the lamplight in the otherwise dark room.
"You're alright, Bill," she whispered. She dipped the cloth in a bowl of water by the bed and then returned it to his forehead, her free hand stroking his fevered cheek.
Jimmy tried to speak to her but his voice came out as an unintelligible croak. He shook his head in frustration when she began to shush him and tried again.
"Jimmy," he managed.
"What?" Katie leaned closer and she listened carefully. "Who?"
"Me," Jimmy explained, his eyes already closing again. "My name's James, not Bill. Back home they call me Jimmy."
Katie watched as Jimmy fell into another fevered sleep, his brow furrowed and his parted lips moving slightly, as if in speech. She mopped his face gently.
"Jimmy," she whispered, trying out the new name. "It's going to be alright, Jimmy."
His hand stirred on the sheet and found hers. She held it firmly, watching over him as he slept. Continue On...