Secrets…we all have them. Sometimes they define who we become, other times, they can destroy us. Sometimes, what we think is a secret is no secret at all… Lou Kid and I were married nine years ago. We have two beautiful children. A boy named Luke and a little girl named Maddy. We have a small farm where we grow our own food and raise horses. It isn’t much really, but it has been home. Yet, my mind wanders to another home, where love blossomed. It would be ten years ago that I started working for the Pony Express. At that time, the other riders thought I was a boy, like them. Kid was the first to find out my secret. He kept it pretty good, but he started treating me different. But it wasn’t until everyone helped rescue my brother and sister that my secret became common knowledge amongst the other riders. When it did, my world changed forever. All because of Jimmy Hickok. It was all the quiet looks, the sideways glances, the ‘innocent’ touches that did me in. Even though Kid was courting me, it was Jimmy who really made my heart race. Why, just one smoldering look from those brown eyes of his and I was ready to melt! It’s because of these feelings that Jimmy invoked that there are some secrets that I’ve never told Kid or anyone else about. And I never will. These secrets would crush Kid and tear apart my family. See, Jimmy and I were more than just friends. Way more than friends. No one ever knew, though once or twice they may have suspected or wondered. The attraction had been there from the start. At least on my part, since he didn’t know I was a female at the time. When he found out, there was no stopping what was about to happen. At first we did try to keep our feelings hidden, especially since Kid and I were ‘together’. It’s just that Teaspoon kept sending the two of us on those long runs together. Sometimes I try to fool myself by blaming him for all my heartache, but there is no one who’s really to blame. Feelings just happen. That time, in Willow Springs was the first time we ever let ourselves go. It was the most amazing night of my life to date. We both were feeling a little guilty as the station came into sight the next day and we swore that it wouldn’t happen again. But it did. Over and over and over. I would be in Kid’s arms, wishing it were Jimmy who was holding me. I would feel guilty, but I couldn’t help wanting to be with both men. Kid was kind, caring and wanted to take care of me. Jimmy, he was passionate, reckless and a little bit dangerous. I know they both loved me and I loved them too. When Kid asked me to marry him the last time, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted it to be his best friend there on bended knee, promising to love me forever, not him. I told Kid I needed time to think. I would give him his answer after my next run. When I left on that run, little did I know that my world was about to change once again, due to Jimmy Hickok. I hadn’t gone far when I had heard hoof beats coming up behind me. Turning to look I saw him racing towards me. He went with me on the run to Overland City. We stayed holed up in a hotel there for three days. Jimmy had never been so passionate or demanding before. I’m not complaining mind you, just stating a fact. It wasn’t until we were headed back to Rock Creek that he shattered my bliss and I understood why he had loved me the way he had that time. He told me he knew that Kid had asked me to marry him again and that he thought I should say yes this time. He went on to tell me that he was planning on leaving soon, that he couldn’t offer me the life he said I needed, but that Kid could. He point blank told me that we had no future. When I returned, Jimmy having went into town so no one would know we’d been together, I went back to the station and told Kid I’d marry him. Even on my wedding day, if Jimmy had told me he wanted me, I would have left with him, not caring who I hurt. But he didn’t. I’ve kept that a secret all these years. That and one other, that reminds me of my stolen love, every waking moment of my life. This secret is all my own. I hold it close to my heart, along with the memory of Jimmy. Even Jimmy doesn’t know it. He left the day after my wedding to Kid and hasn’t returned. If he did show up, I think… no I know he would see my secret for what it is. My biggest secret is my son, Luke James, who was born just eight short months after my marriage to Kid. Either he never suspected Luke wasn’t his or he chose not to know. Me, I see Jimmy in Luke’s every move and expression. For now though, it remains my secret. At least, until I am reunited with my heart’s true love. Kid Lou thinks I don’t know but I do. She never told me what happened on her last run, but I know. Jimmy was gone too. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he went after her. I was mad as hell, but it was out of my hands. I couldn’t take off after them, though I wanted too. I had to believe that my love for Lou would bring her back to me and it did. She came back and married me after all and not Jimmy. I had my suspicions that they may have ‘danced’ that time, but they weren’t confirmed until Luke was a toddler, walking around the living room. It was then that I finally seen what I’d been searching for in his little smiling face. Jimmy. How anyone could not see the resemblance is beyond me, but no one has ever mentioned how much Luke looks like the man. His eyes, I swear I’m looking at his father every time I look into them. They are the same shade of brown as Jimmy’s and that hair. Lou’s may be a reddish brown and mine is brownish but Luke’s is exactly like his fathers. I’ve never said anything to Lou, because I know it would hurt her terribly. Besides, I love the boy as if he were my own. It’s almost like having my best friend here with me by having his son here. I love them both. Lou must have found out that whatever she had with Jimmy wasn’t enough because she married me and not him, didn’t she? Knowing about her little tryst and what it produced will just remain a secret. At least for now. Email Lisa L. HOME