This story has been inspired by Lisa L’s “Left at the altar”. A big thank to her for let me post it and for having beta-read this story for me!
Warning: it’s a deathfic.
I previously used the pseudonymus of DD, but now I decide to use my real name Paola. I’m the same person who wrote “Good night, sweet Charlotte” and “A knot to untie”.
They laid me on the ground near the small fire they had been able to make. One of my fellow has tried to patch my flank with something, but there isn’t anything he can really do for me. It isn’t enough, I know. It wont’ save me, but I don’t care. I haven’t cared for a long time what happens to me.
“Fight”, he told me. “Resist”. But I have nothing to fight for, nothing.
My homeland? My return in Virginia brought me only bad memories. Everything I tried so desperately to forget when I move West overwhelmed me once again.
My family? I have no family. I lost my mother, my brother and finally the people I grew to consider my family.
My dreams? My dreams have been shattered the day that was supposed to be the happiest of my life. My wedding day, the day my love left with my best friend.
I waited for her by the altar, ready to begin what I thought would have been our life together; instead she never came. Without a word, without a note she ran away from me as I was something she wanted be rid of.
I had been angry at them, I almost hated them, him, for having taken away from me the only one he knew was for me. Then I saw my wedding ring, the one I gave her the evening before. The one “I couldn’t wait to get back from her” in the dirt of the stables. I felt myself dying in that very moment. I couldn’t, I didn’t want to believe she did it on purpose, but seeing what should have been the symbol of our love tossed carelessly like that, destroyed what still remain of my hope.
Laying awake in my bunk, on what should have been our wedding night, I decided to go away. To leave what remained of my friends had been one of the most difficult things I ever did, but I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t stand the looks of pity, their curiousity about I was going to do about them two, the way everyone said, “Everything will be fine. Maybe it was for the best ”
No! Nothing would be fine. The two people I trusted the most betrayed me. They ran away from me and hid like I was some monster to be afraid of. I felt like my heart had been ripped out from my chest. Nothing would be right ever again.
I abandoned that place the very next day and headed East. I joined the Army. I fought in this war, but it didn’t help me forget. Memories of her, of my best friend, of what we used to be kept haunting me, making my present even more unbearable.
”Maybe she didn’t care for you the way you thought.” This had been told to me many times before.
But how it is possible? How is possible that the most important thing I have ever lived has been only a fake? The smiles, the tears, the fights and the laughs, the secret shared, the love, the needs and the hopes. I never felt myself so close to anyone else. None of this had been real?
That day at the pond when she held out her hand to me saying she wasn’t going anywhere. The hours spent talking, remembering, finding solace in each other arms.What about all the times we danced, the times she said, “I love you.” When she hugged and kissed me, the day I asked her to marry me, was she lying?
I can’t believe that. She can’t be that kind of person. I knew she had doubts, I knew she was scared. Damn! I was terrified too. We were going to take a step that would change our life forever, but I was as sure of my feelings for her, as I was sure of hers for me. Why didn’t she confide in me? Why didn’t she talk to me? Didn’t she trust me? Was she scared of me? Had I failed her? Sometimes this jumble of feelings is so painful I wished for death.
I’m tired. I’m too tired to fight the memories that continue to assault me. I’m tired of waking up with tears in my eyes and no hope in my heart. I’m tired of searching for an answer that will never come. I wished I could see them at least once again, because I missed them, despite everything that has happened. Seeing her happy without me would bring me only more pain, but maybe I would be able to understand why they did it.
None of this is important anymore. My shirt is dripping with blood, my body is numb. I won’t last much longer.
I let my memory drift back.
I put her down on the ground. Her hands leave my neck and she laces them around my waist, careful to not hurt my wounded arm.
We see Teaspoon and Jimmy grinning at the entrance of the graveyard, but soon my attention returns to her.
The wind ruffles her hair and I push one of her locks behind her ear. She looks up at me smiling, the sunlight shines in her eyes.
“I love you, Kid.” she said.
“I love you too, Louise.”