Author’s note: Hi everyone! I’m Paola, alias DD. I ’m Italian and this is my first fan fiction. First of all I want to thank my wonderful beta-reader Peanut. My English would be terrible without her help. I want to thank also Lori for welcoming me so warmly. Thank you a lot, both of you!!!
I’m waiting for your opinions!!
Note from Peanut: Readers, just a small note. It was a pleasure being the beta for Paola. She is great to work with and I look forward to working with her some more. My first and foremost responsibility is to edit while staying true to her vision, and I took this very seriously. In doing so, I may have missed a few changes that might have worked better, and I’m willing to hear any suggestions or corrections anyone has regarding this—things you think I missed, basic English or otherwise, etc. Just drop me an email. Finally, bravo to Paola for a job well done!
My heart beats fast while I’m undressing. The Kid and I share the same room, and for the first time, we spend the night alone, together.
Since we left this morning, a strange mix of anxiety and excitement lingered in my stomach. We didn’t talk about anything, but there wasn’t any need for words. We both know that what exists between us can’t wait any more. This afternoon we’ve joked, fooling around and ending in each other’s arms, but this can’t be enough any more.
I put on the nightgown that Rachel gave me, white, without sleeves; I know that it isn’t anything special, but I have never had something so thin and light on my skin. It’s like I don’t have anything on. I blush at the thought that soon I’ll not even have it to separate us.
I swallow. I’m scared now, flashes of my past haunt me… if I’ll feel pain like that time…if I won’t be able to let go…if he realizes that I’m not …Stop! I don’t want my past to ruin everything!
On the other side of this curtain there’s Kid, my sweet and gentle Kid; he would never hurt me. I pass my hands through my hair to comb it and exit. Kid’s waiting for me, his hat in his hands, excited and frightened at the same time, like me. I see his look widening, lingering on me. His eyes reveal his desire.
“Surprise…” I whisper. I can’t help grabbing the nightgown, clumsy like a little girl.
He smiles, sweet and amazed. “W-where…”
I grasp the fabric more tightly. “Rachel.”
He caresses my bare shoulders, and then kisses me while I put my arms around his neck. We break away for a moment. He watches me and takes me around the waist, lifting me until ours eyes are at the same level. He lays me down on the bed and we continue to kiss. I feel his weight on me, but he holds most of it on his elbows, so he doesn’t weigh so much on me. I’m nervous but he is too, and this reassures me. I wish it would be my first time… but in a way it’s true, this is the first time that someone loves me so much.
His lips follow the line of my jaw. I close my eyes; it will be fine.
I sit up. Kid is dozing; I can’t.
I think of what just happened between us. I never imagined that it could be…could be so beautiful, no shame, no pain. I was scared only for a moment, but looking into his worried eyes when he stopped himself, afraid of hurting me, I felt my heart melting.
I begin to cry. I don’t know why, maybe for the relief, because I didn’t say anything to the Kid, because I never felt myself so safe, so loved and vulnerable at the same time. That terrified me. During these years I’ve learned to not trust anyone, to hide my feelings deep in my heart. I’ve built a barrier to defend myself from the world and others, and now it’s beginning to crumble.
He wakes up, probably because he’d heard me. He sits up near me, worried.
“You okay, Lou?”
“I don’t know.” I don’t want say it, but I’m confused now.
“I’m sorry.” He’s uncertain. “A coupla hours ago, the most important thing on my mind was getting’ on with what we’ve been puttin’ off for so long.”
He’s afraid that I regret what we’ve done. “Me too.” I don’t want him think so.
“Seems like endin' all that waitin' was more important to us than the reason we wanted to end it,” he says.
“Do you think we made a mistake?” I’m worried now.
“No.” He kisses my bare shoulder “No…don’t see that we coulda done anything else anyway. Things are gonna be different between us now.” He smiles.
“Maybe better?” I find the strength to say it, even if I have a lump in my throat. I lift his chin with a finger, and look into his eyes. “I love you, Kid.” I can’t help telling him that I love him, but I’m scared. I never let go of myself so much.
“I love you too, Lou.” He smiles and his forehead brushes mine.
We lay down again, his warm chest against my back. He hugs me and I entwine my fingers with his. I remain awake a little longer; my anxiety isn’t calmed down completely. What would I do now that it seems to me that I can’t live without him? What happens to me if he disappoints me? I hate my lack of trust but I can’t help it. I suffered too many disappointments in my life to bear another one.
I hug his arms more tightly and finally fall asleep.
It’s morning when I wake up.
“Good morning.” I feel his warm whisper near my ear, and I turn to face him.
“Good morning to you,” I say softly. He smiles at me in his sweet way that warms my heart and I can’t help returning it. I feel myself a fool for doubting him.
“Are you fine?” he searches me with his blue eyes. Maybe he’s still worried.
“Yes,” I respond shyly.
“Lou.” He cups my face with his hands, delicate and firm at same time. “I swear I’ll never hurt you. Never. I love you.” He wants to reassure me. He must have sensed my worries, and I read a plea in his eyes. ‘Please don’t be afraid of me’.
“I trust you.” How can I doubt him? Watching his eyes it’s like watching his soul; they are open and crystalline, and they never lie to me.
The truth it’s that I don’t trust myself. I’m not able to tell him all my past, and I’m afraid that my inability to be completely honest with him will make us part. Damn you Wicks! I won’t let your memory ruin the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I’ll fight with all of my forces to beat my fears, for Kid and our love.
I lift my head to kiss him. “I love you too Kid, more than I can say.”