A/N: Many thanks to Melinde for her great beta reading and for the title for this little piece. Thanks also to Dee for her beta performance and additional encouragement. I've often wondered about the events of the final episodes. What would have happened if Kid realized he needed to return to Virginia before he married Lou? I've shifted the timeline a little bit: Noah was killed before Kid and Lou's wedding, and before Lou had come out in Rock Creek as a woman. She had, however, already completed her last run for the Express. As always, feedback, positive or negative, is welcome. *~*~*~*~* The purples and oranges of the fading sunlight danced across the town that was slowly turning in for the night. On the outskirts of town, a lone figure sat on the top of the corral fence, watching the retreating sun. Memories danced in the dust, fading into the earth, as all that walked the land will one day return to fuel the new creation of life. But the lone figure was in the midst of death and dashed hopes as the one rock she felt secure hanging onto vanished like a stone in water. The ripples, however, had barely just begun to surface. Life had already changed drastically for her. She gave up her job for no reason other than to marry the love of her life, and had already performed her last run for the Pony Express. As the memories flooded her mind, she found some solace in the fact that she hadn't yet emerged in town as Louise. To them, she was still Lou. That gave her options. But she was tired of her charade, and even still, she'd simply rather not have those options. She'd rather have her beloved by her side, instead of on his way to a distant land and uncertain future. Kid had left in the early hours of the morning the day after Noah was killed, leaving to return to his beloved Virginia to join "The Cause," as he called it. She had remained distant at the station, and when she finally managed to stammer out to the others that the wedding was off, they figured he simply ran out on her. But it wasn't true. He had come to her. "I can't marry you Lou," he said, sadness in his eyes as he spoke these few words that broke her heart. They had excused themselves from the tense meal, a common occurrence these days. They did so under the thinly placed veil that they'd be discussing plans for the wedding. "What are you talking about Kid?" she asked, almost desperately. "I'm so sorry," he said quietly, as he broke his gaze. "Kid?" "You turned me down once, no twice, because you weren't ready," he whispered, a statement that shot a pain of regret into Lou's heart. "I don't think I'm ready." It was with these words that Lou understood what he was saying. The only reason he wouldn't be ready was because he was going back to the place that haunted his every step. "You're going to Virginia." It wasn't a question, merely a statement that, upon its very utterance, all her plans for the future vanished. He nodded sadly at her. She sighed deeply, and ran her fingers through her hair. It was longer now, and she was planning on never having to cut it again. "Why?" was all she asked, and he knew it was more a question of 'why now' instead of 'why go back to Virginia.' "Noah," he stammered. She scoffed at him. "Noah? You're going to fight for the South, and your reason is Noah?" Again, he nodded. "I don't believe in slavery, you know that." Silently, Lou nodded. "But I believe in honor and duty. He died because Rosemary was blind. He died because she took him where he had no business bein'. There's no honor in that. He didn't die for his beliefs. He died because of one woman's desperation." "And Jimmy?" she questioned him. It was his turn to scoff at her, the pain of his best friend's recent infatuation with Lou clouding his thoughts. "I'm telling you I'm not gonna marry you and all you're worried about is Jimmy?" "No, Kid. I'm worried about you and Jimmy." "There is no me and Jimmy anymore," he stated flatly. "He brought her here. He's as much to blame as she is. Besides, he returned to Kansas with her. What more is there to say?" Lou shook her head, not believing the words coming from his mouth. "And us?" she asked quietly, turning her gaze to her hand that she didn't even remember Kid grasping. "I'm not ready," he said finally, his voice catching. "Kid," she said softly, daring to run her free hand through his sandy locks. "I don't believe that. You were always ready." He smiled at her, a sad, uncertain smile. "I can't marry you Lou," he said, swallowing, "because I can't promise myself to you when I know I have to go." "And when you asked me to marry you?" she questioned, furrowing her brow in an attempt to understand. "That was before Noah," he stated softly. "I'm so sorry Lou, but I can't marry you and then go off to fight." "So this is easier," she said, with a twinge of bitterness. He flinched at her words, but said nothing. Finally, she nodded, but she didn't really understand. "Kid, I love you," she pleaded. Sadly, he looked at her, and squeezed her hand. "I love you too Lou. And I'm sorry." Lou realized he was not to be dissuaded. She nodded, then pulled him into an embrace. Again, she whispered her love into his ear, and squeezed her eyes tight to ward off the onslaught of tears that threatened to spill at any moment. "Ride safe," she said, echoing the words that held more meaning now than ever before. And then he was gone. She was broken from her reverie when she heard someone approach from behind. She barely hazarded a glance over her shoulder at the form, but was surprised when whoever it was placed a gentle hand on her back. She sighed, knowing none of them knew of the words she and Kid exchanged before he rode out that fateful morning, none of them knowing that he actually spoke to her before breaking their engagement. They knew he was gone and the wedding was off, but they all figured he just rode away without even saying goodbye to any of them, least of all, Lou. "He told me once that leavin' me would be the hardest thing he ever did," she said with a sigh. "But stayin' would be harder." Silence hung in the air, crowding the two as if it were a humid summer day. She was surprised when it was Teaspoon who finally spoke. "Want me to put you back on the schedule?" Climbing down from her perch, she peeled her gaze from the sky and turned to look at him. Pausing, she glanced away, and nodded. He wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly as a few small tears escaped her. If anyone understood Kid's difficult decision and how it affected her, it would be Teaspoon. Finally, she lifted her head from his shoulder and wiped away the trickles that managed to break away from her eyes. "Thanks Teaspoon," she said shakily, as she broke the embrace. Silently, Teaspoon placed his hands on his hips as he watched the young woman walk away. He creased his brow, wishing he had the answers his young charge so desperately needed at this moment. *~*~*~*~* Teaspoon entered the bunkhouse for the morning meal, and noted the absence of life amongst the remaining group. Rachel stood at the stove finishing the preparations with her shoulders slumped in worry. Buck sat at the table, silent, ready for the meal. Lou was there as well, playing idly with her fork, lost in thought. He was surprised to find Cody there, as he was now splitting his time between the Express and the Army. With a deep sigh, Teaspoon sat in his usual seat at the head of the table. Cody hazarded a glance at him. "Any word on the Express, Teaspoon?" he asked quietly. No one in the room could remember the last time light banter visited mealtime, not even from Cody. Teaspoon solemnly shook his head as Rachel placed the last of the food on the table and took her spot on the bench. "The rides have slowed," Teaspoon said cautiously to the young man. Cody nodded and shifted his attention. "Thank you for breakfast Rachel," he said quietly. She smiled at him, but had no words to share. The room was just too empty. Lou played idly with her food, and then rose to excuse herself from the table. "Lou?" Cody questioned, for once, concern crossing his face. "I have to get ready for my ride," she said absently, before exiting the bunkhouse. Four pairs of eyes followed her as she made her way out the door. Cody looked at Teaspoon, who had just returned dejectedly to his meal. "What's happened around here?" Cody asked to no one in particular. "The same thing that's happening across the country," Rachel offered quietly. Cody shook his head. "Rachel," he started, but Buck cut him off. "You joined the Army, Cody, ain't nothin' different in what the others feel." Cody glanced at Buck. "And Lou?" Buck remained silent at the question, as Teaspoon eyed the two warily. "Lou's caught in this as much as we all are," he said finally, turning back to his meal. "Like hell she is!" Cody declared from his seat. "Kid just left her!" They all paused when Lou entered the bunkhouse. "Forgot my hat," she mumbled, as she walked over to the bunk, not wanting to know what she just walked in on as she sensed the tension in the room. "Tell us Lou," Cody said defiantly from his seat. "Tell you what Cody," she answered, a hint of a challenge in her voice, but marked more so by a sense of weariness. "Why Kid just walked out on us," he answered, not backing off the challenge. Lou scoffed at him. "What do you call what you're doing Cody?" "He left without even saying goodbye!" Cody hollered. "At least Jimmy said his goodbyes." "Is that all you're worried about Cody? Kid saying goodbye?" Lou spat at him. Teaspoon and Rachel exchanged nervous glances, while Buck sat quietly in his spot, setting his fork down on his plate. Cody at least had the decency to look somewhat embarrassed. "Let me tell you one thing Cody," she seethed, approaching him. "Kid has the sense of honor and duty that would have you running around in circles." Cody glanced up at her. "And you?" Lou shifted uncomfortably in her stance. "He said goodbye to me," she finally answered, not knowing she answered a question that had long bothered everyone else in the room. "And his duty to you?" Cody asked softly, raising his eyes to meet hers across the table. Lou pursed her lips at Cody's remarks. "He has no duty to me. Not anymore," she said finally, tearing her gaze from his, and walking gruffly out the door. *~*~*~*~* Lou was preparing Lightning for their ride when she heard someone enter the barn. Sighing, she pulled tight on the cinch as she turned to face the intruder, surprised to find Cody standing in the doorway. "Lou," he said quietly. "I'm sorry." Lou scoffed. "When are people gonna stop apologizin' to me?" she asked absently, turning her attention back to her horse. Cody approached her, afraid of saying the wrong thing like he seemed to have a knack for doing. "Lou," he said quietly, stilling the motion of her hands as she placed the bridle over her horse. She turned and glanced at him, surprised at the serious expression that clouded his face. "Look," he said, glancing down at nothing in particular. "I know I always say the wrong thing," he began uncertainly, "but you're like my own sister. Anything you need, just let me know," he finished quietly, not willing to look her in the eyes. Lou offered him a small smile. "Cody," she said, "Thank you." She embraced him, an embrace full of love and regret, of understanding and incomprehension, of pain and security all the same. She brushed a stray tear from her eye, and broke the embrace. "The Express will be over soon," he said quietly, a lingering question evident in his tone. She nodded. "And the Army will be requiring your full attention," she answered firmly, hedging any question he might ask and any answers she didn't have to give right now. "Just be sure to write as much as you can," she said finally, turning to lead her horse out of the barn. "I will," he said quietly, as he watched the retreating form exit the barn. What neither of them realized, however, was that Teaspoon would tell Cody that his services were no longer needed at the station due to the dwindling rides, and that he would ride off that very day to be with the Army full time. The words regarding goodbye during the morning meal would be a lingering guilt in both their minds for some time to come. *~*~*~*~* Lou rode into the station after an uneventful ride, but she was thankful for the brief reprieve from her thoughts that the ride had provided her. After handing the mochilla off to Buck, she nodded silently as Rachel informed her she wouldn't have another ride for two more days. Glancing around the empty station, she entered the bunkhouse to change. Rachel followed her into the small structure to begin preparing a small meal for herself, Lou, and Teaspoon. Lou finished washing the dirt and grime from her face. Unable to ignore the sullen form in the bunkhouse, Rachel cautiously approached Lou and asked her to help peel a few potatoes. "Cody's with the Army full time now," she said quietly, as Lou sat absently peeling away. Lou nodded to indicate she had heard, but she didn't speak. The news didn't surprise her, but she wanted to forgo thinking about the future. "You all right Louise?" Rachel asked quietly, taking a spot across from the woman at the table. Lou stopped her peeling motions at the question, and raised her eyes to meet the concerned face of Rachel. "Rachel," she began, the total calm in her voice giving way to an indication that she felt anything but. "I've got to be all right," she said finally, turning her attention back to the potato in her hands. Rachel placed her hand over Lou's, stilling the motion, sensing the pain in her friend. Lou raised her hand to wipe a stray tear from her face that had, once again, somehow escaped. "Rachel, please," she whispered, unmoving, casting her gaze over the bowl containing the peels. It took everything in her to maintain some semblance of control. Sighing, Rachel acquiesced and rose to continue her ministrations at the stove. She sent a silent prayer to the heavens for both Buck and Lou who faced some clearly uncertain times. *~*~*~*~* Buck rode into the station but didn't have a pouch to hand off to the waiting Lou. Surprised, she questioned him. Sadly, he looked at her and finally spoke. "That's it Lou," he said finally, "that was the last ride for our station." "Buck?" she questioned, not believing his words. "I'm sorry Lou," he said, as if it would make any difference. He walked to take care of his horse and left Lou dumbfounded in the middle of the station yard. Rachel came out of the bunkhouse at that moment, wiping her hands on the dishtowel she held. "Lou, what's going on?" she asked the still rider in front of her. Slowly, Lou turned to face Rachel, though she never did meet the older woman's gaze. "That's it," she said, brokenly repeating Buck's words. "The Express is over." Slowly she led Lightning back to the barn to unsaddle her. *~*~*~*~* Supper that evening was a quiet affair as Teaspoon watched the scene before him. Buck and Lou sat playing with their food while Rachel eyed Teaspoon with a look of desperation on her face. Teaspoon cleared his throat. "I could use another deputy," he said quietly, watching Buck. Buck looked at Lou. He may be a man caught between two worlds, but at least he was a man. With the right environment, he could find some decent work that kept him interested. They all knew that with the Express ending, Lou's future seemed to hinge on her marriage to the Kid and the ranch they dreamed of starting, but even between the two of them, they'd still be struggling. "I'll take it," Buck said absently, turning his gaze back to his plate. He hoped that by staying, he could help keep the remains of their tattered family together, even if he was feeling the call to go back to his brother. Teaspoon shifted his gaze to Lou who sat idly staring at the plate of food in front of her. She set her fork on her plate and rose to excuse herself from the concerned glances cast in her direction. "Louise," Rachel said, a little too loudly for comfort, "you could help me at the school," she suggested hopefully, grasping for anything to help the young woman. Rachel looked at Teaspoon and Buck, who seemed a little relieved at the suggestion. Lou turned slowly back to the table, fear at the prospects of her future etched in her face. "Thanks, but I ain't lookin' for charity," she said calmly, knowing that the town couldn't pay the both of them. Quickly averting her glance, Rachel was at a loss for what to say. She even felt a touch ashamed that she made the suggestion, thus giving in to the desperation she felt. Silence hung in the air as Lou glanced at the three figures sitting at the table, sparing them a sad smile. "I think I may go visit my brother and sister in the morning," she said finally. "If that's all right with you Teaspoon," she asked, knowing that there were still things that needed to be done around the station, even if it no longer played a role to the Express. Teaspoon nodded his assent and sighed as Lou made her way out of the bunkhouse to tend to the horses in the barn. Leaning back in his chair, he cast cautious glances to Buck and Rachel, both of whom were at a loss for anything to say or do. War would make things tight, but they all made a silent vow together that not one of them would ever be turned away. *~*~*~*~* After having finished the evening work in the barn, Lou turned her attention to Lightning and started brushing her. Her thoughts were awhirl of everything that had happened in the past few days. Her future was snatched from her very grasp and the old reliable was no longer there to catch her fall. Old reliable, that is, in terms of her disguise and the life she made for herself with the Express. Tears threatened as she leaned her head against her horse's neck, and a silent sob escaped as she lowered the curry brush to her side. She hadn't made enough money to support her brother and sister as she had hoped. With the Kid, at least they'd have been able to buy a place and fetch them with promises of hard work to see them through to easier times. Now, she was almost back at step one. She couldn't afford a place of her own, and she had barely enough money to see the three of them through more than a couple of months, even if she could find a place for all of them to stay. She was tired of her charade. It worked when she was younger, fresh from Wicks' grasps, but now, she was tired. So damned tired. "Lou." Embarrassed at the vulnerable state Teaspoon found her in, she quickly brushed away the remaining tears and turned to face him. She stood idly picking at the curry brush, hoping the tears would ebb. Quietly, he approached her. "Bring them here." "Ah, Teaspoon, I can't," she said, exasperated. Teaspoon sat on a bale of hay outside the stall, calmly watching the woman in front of him. "Why not?" "Because I can't afford to," she answered, not meeting his gaze. Teaspoon smiled at her. "We can," he said, emphasizing the 'we.' Lou let out a little snort at him, caught between laughter and pain at his words. "No, you can't. I gotta find a job, and the war will make everything worse. Prices are already risin'." Teaspoon tilted his head at her, knowing there was a hint of truth in her words. He tried another tactic. "What are you plannin' on doin'?" Lou shifted her gaze back up at him. "I don't know Teaspoon," she sighed, dropping the curry brush back to her side. "It was all planned out before," she added quietly. Before Kid left, that is. Teaspoon ran his hand along his thigh and averted his gaze, glancing back to the open spaces outside the barn. He was trapped between the ideal, that the remains of their family could stay together, and acknowledging the stark reality that stood before them. Finally, he rose from his spot and approached her. "We won't turn you away, nor your brother and sister," he said, catching Lou's gaze. "No matter how hard it gets." After a moment, she sighed. "I don't know Teaspoon," she said, breaking the eye contact. Teaspoon nodded in understanding at her words, but placed his hand on her shoulder. "Just think about it Lou," he said, before turning to walk out of the barn. "Thank you," Lou whispered to the empty barn, tears once again threatening to spill. *~*~*~*~* A week and a half later, Lou made her way into the bunkhouse after her trip to St. Jo, tired, and alone. She walked in on the evening meal, but merely nodded her hello before heading over to her bunk to remove her hat, jacket, and gun. Running her hands through her hair, she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply before turning back to join the others at supper. Three sets of eyes watched her carefully, knowing by her demeanor that she hadn't found any answers while away. She started filling her plate, when Rachel decided to speak up. "How are Teresa and Jeremiah, Louise?" Lou paused in her task and concentrated on her words before speaking. "They've been adopted," she said sadly. "Adopted?" Rachel asked in disbelief. It was rare for older children at any orphanage to be adopted, but two? Aside from the fact that Lou worked her heart out to one day be able to support them, it just didn't seem fair. Lou nodded and eyed Rachel warily. "By a couple who had just lost a son the same age as Jeremiah. He said he wouldn't go without Teresa, and they agreed to take her in as well." "Did you see them?" Buck asked as Lou scooped some mashed potatoes onto her fork. "I did," she answered, and allowed herself a brief smile. "They seem happy." Teaspoon lifted his eyes up to Lou, mulling over the news. "Did you meet with the folks that took them in?" Again, Lou nodded and gave another small smile. "They seemed like nice people. They were worried I'd try and take them," she said wistfully as she looked out the window. "But I saw how protective they were over them, and," she sighed, "Jeremiah and Teresa are together with a family. I couldn't take that from them. Not after everything." True, she was happy for them, but she felt like she'd had the air knocked out of her, and wondered if there was any more air in her for anyone else to knock out. The room sat silent, as Lou turned her attention back to her plate, idly playing with the green beans with her fork. "They said they'd write though. Can't imagine why Sister Ann's letter never made it." They were each contemplating the news when to their surprise, the bunkhouse door opened and Jimmy walked in. "Jimmy?" Buck asked, surprised. "Couldn't miss the weddin'," he smiled sadly, knowing he was the last person on earth they expected to walk in the door. "It's still Saturday, right?" The words caught Lou off guard and she creased her brow, focusing her eyes on the roll in her hands. Jimmy stood still, watching the scene before him. "Where's Kid?" he asked, knowing by the tension in the room that something wasn't right. Teaspoon sighed. "There ain't gonna be a weddin' Jimmy," he said quietly, not taking his eyes off Lou. "What are you talking about Teaspoon?" Jimmy asked, his anger beginning to rise. "Lou?" Lou cleared her throat and looked Jimmy in the eyes. "Kid left for Virginia two weeks ago," she said softly. "He did what??" Jimmy threw a hard stare at Teaspoon, looking for some kind of explanation, yet knowing that he got all he was going to get. Jimmy looked towards the ceiling and placed his hands on his hips. "That low down snake!" he spat, shaking his head, his anger growing at the situation. "Jimmy," Rachel cautioned. "How dare he walk out on you!" he shouted, turning back to face Lou. Visibly taken aback by his anger, a stray tear escaped Lou's eye as her own anger rose. "Jimmy," she whispered angrily, "you got no right to come in here and throw your anger at me." Seeing he had only accomplished upsetting Lou, he softened. "Maybe not" he said, approaching her, and placing his hands on her shoulders as she diverted her gaze, "but he had no right to leave you." "Jimmy," Buck interrupted. Lou hadn't spoken to any of them about Kid leaving outside of announcing the wedding was off, except for the few words she exchanged with Teaspoon and Cody. They all knew it broke her heart, however, and it was all she could do to keep herself from breaking down. Buck didn't want him to force her to talk if she wasn't ready. Jimmy ignored Buck. "Come here," he said, and pulled Lou into an embrace. He held her, caressing her hair, and she finally cried in the presence of the others, she finally showed the emotion that all knew had been eating at her. His back was to the table, and Rachel, Teaspoon and Buck watched the scene before them. Their concern kept them from looking away, but they still felt like they were intruding on a private moment. Finally, Lou pulled away, and turned to her bunk. Climbing up onto it, she curled into a ball, and closed her eyes. Jimmy watched her until she was settled, then turned back around to the hard stares coming from the three remaining people sitting around the table. Sighing, he took a spot on the bench. "What do we do now?" he asked quietly. Teaspoon sighed, but he quirked an eyebrow in his direction. "You stayin'?" Jimmy nodded. "For a while anyway." "Good," Teaspoon said, smiling, as he clapped Jimmy on the back. "You can help me and Buck out as another deputy." Buck answered Jimmy's unasked question. "The Express is over." Tilting his head back to the still form on the bunk, he addressed them. "And Lou?" Teaspoon turned somber. "Don't know yet," was all he had to offer. *~*~*~*~* As the dawn brushed across the land on Saturday morning, Rachel stepped out of the house to begin the morning meal and stopped short when she noticed the still form standing at the corral, watching the sunrise. She mentally debated with herself on whether or not she should go talk to the heartbroken woman. Concern won over and she stepped up behind Lou. She stood still, lost in her own thoughts, and Rachel was surprised that she didn't see any tear marks on her face. "It's a beautiful mornin'," Lou said absently. Rachel sighed at the irony. 'It is a beautiful morning,' she thought. But the day would be anything but a reminder of what should have been. Rachel was surprised when Lou turned to face her. "I don't blame him Rachel," she said, looking at the small bag in her hands. Both women knew, however, that Lou's hurt was shadowed by the bitterness that came with loving a man so bound by honor and duty. The older woman offered a sad smile, but was at a loss for words. In a way, she did blame Kid for walking away. The two of them were supposed to embark on happily ever after today, and he walked away from that, taking Lou's hopes right along with him. "Here," Lou said, placing the soft velvet bag in Rachel's hands. "I don't think I'll be needin' these." Rachel opened the bag to find the earrings she had given Lou to wear on her wedding day. "Oh Louise," she said, as tears sprang to her eyes. Lou offered her a small, sad smile of defeat. "I know I had my doubts before Rachel," she said, "but that week before Kid told me he was leavin' I was never more sure of myself. Now," she shrugged, "now I'm just tired." Rachel checked her tears at the hopelessness she heard in Lou's voice. She needed to stay strong for Lou, and it wouldn't help if she started crying right there. "I can't keep doin' this Rachel," she sighed, casting a glance at her friend and quickly averting it to the sky. Rachel pulled the young woman into an embrace and hugged her tight, hoping beyond hope that she'd find the strength to get through the day. "You have us Lou," she said quietly. "You always have us." "I loved him Rachel, I still do." "I know baby," she said, stroking Lou's hair. "But I guess it wasn't enough," she said finally as she took a deep breath and broke the embrace. Rachel furrowed her brow in concern, and cursed herself for the tears that fell from her eyes. "I gotta go feed the horses," Lou mumbled after a minute. "I'll be in for breakfast." Rachel nodded as she watched Lou enter the barn. She shook her head free of the conversation and set off to begin the morning meal. *~*~*~*~* Teaspoon, Buck, Jimmy, and Rachel had just sat down for breakfast when Lou finally appeared in the bunkhouse. Her eyes were puffy and her manner was sullen and she barely made eye contact with anyone else. The rest of them watched her carefully; all too aware of what day it was, or rather, what day it was supposed to be. Their hearts ached for her, but they knew now was not the time for words. Lou had just sat down at the table when there was a knock at the door. Jimmy rose to answer it, and after a brief exchange with the person at the door, he turned back to the table. "Of all days," he muttered as he sat back down. He handed a letter to Lou, having recognized the handwriting on the front as Kid's. Lou carefully took it from Jimmy, and she stared at the letter. Running a hand over her forehead, she rose and excused herself from the table. Concerned glances watched her walk out the door, but they turned back to the meal when they realized she sat hunched on the bunkhouse porch steps to read the letter. Lou, I lie awake every night thinking about you, and I know what was to have been our day is rapidly approaching. I can't say I'm sorry enough, but I hope you understand. I love you so much, but I can't turn my back on my home. It wouldn't have been right to marry you then walk away. It wouldn't have been fair to you. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Enclosed is the money they gave me when I signed up. It only felt right for me to send it to you. You are never far from my thoughts. Love always, Kid Lou pulled the money out of the envelope. It wasn't a lot of money, but the feel of it in her hands burned red hot. She was angry, angry that he thought he could buy her forgiveness, angry that he didn't give her a choice, angry that she loved him so much that she knew the best thing for the both of them was to let him go. If she had put up a fight before he left, she knew it would not only cause the same amount of heartache, but also a lifetime of misery. If she had forced him to stay, it not only wouldn't have been fair to him, but he would always hold it against her. So, she had already forgiven him. But now she was angry with him. She rose from her stoop and stomped back into the bunkhouse. The others looked up at her, surprised at the fierceness that radiated from her body. Gathering her coat, hat, and gun, she slammed the money and letter on the table. "This is yours," she said, making eye contact with Teaspoon, but indicating them all. Turning her eyes to roam over the rest of them, she continued. "I can not and will not accept it." They watched her as she stormed out of the bunkhouse. Jimmy leaned over to pick up the letter. "Jimmy," Buck cautioned. "That's not ours." Jimmy looked defiantly at Buck. "That's not what she said. 'Sides, don't you wanna know what that bastard said to make her so mad?" "You mean aside from canceling the wedding?" Buck asked, not willing to give in so easily. "Buck, canceling the wedding hurt her. Something else," he said, indicating the letter, "pissed her off." Buck deferred to Teaspoon, who slowly nodded his head. Jimmy snatched up the letter and began reading it out loud. When he finished, the room was deathly silent. They all understood perfectly well the anger Lou was feeling. "That son of a bitch!" Jimmy hollered, as he stood from his spot. "Jimmy," Teaspoon said in an effort to calm him down. "Teaspoon," he hollered back, "he broke her heart and then he had to go and insult her on top of it? How can she love a man like that?" he asked, exasperated. "Because she does," Rachel offered, remembering the conversation they shared earlier in the morning. "Or did," Buck offered, the weight of Kid's words and actions sinking in. Teaspoon took the napkin from his collar and tossed it on the table. He knew Kid didn't want to upset Lou, but that's exactly how it came across. He couldn't help but be angry with the boy himself. If he hadn't had sent the money, things might have gone a lot differently this morning, but he did, and all of them realized Kid didn't just break her heart, he completely and utterly crushed it. None of them were surprised when Lou didn't come back at all that day. *~*~*~*~* Lou walked into the bunkhouse the next day to find the residents inside having just eaten a late breakfast. They were all trying to dissuade Jimmy from riding out to find her, so they were surprised when she walked right in. Pausing at the door, she too was surprised to see all of them in there, looking at her. Gathering her wits, she set her hat on the bunk next to her and hung her coat on the rack. Sighing, she turned back to the table, and with a brief nod, she spoke. "I'll be ridin' out in the mornin' Teaspoon," and she turned to start gathering her things at her bunk. "Louise, what are you talking about?" Rachel asked, her concern masked by fear. Lou sighed and walked over to the surprised faces at the table. "I can't stay here," she said finally, lowering her eyes. "Sure you can," Jimmy said, rising from his seat, slowly losing control over his emotions. He wasn't angry; he too felt the fear. Lou shook her head. "No, I can't. There's no work for me here." "You can work here. There's still plenty that needs doin'," Buck offered, trying his best to provide a solution. Again, Lou shook her head and smiled wistfully at the group. "You can't pay me. 'Sides," she said softly, "there's too many memories here." "It's that damned letter, ain't it?" Jimmy accused. "You'd stay if it weren't for that damned letter." Lou laughed softly at his outburst. "Can't rightly say Jimmy, but yes, that's part of it. Now if y'all excuse me, I got some packin' to do." She didn't even know if they had read the letter, and she didn't care. She effectively closed that part of her life off, the letter severing any ties she had to what might have been. Teaspoon sighed. "Good God Almighty," he muttered, as Rachel cast him a look of desperation. They couldn't get over her calm demeanor, but they all knew no one could change her mind. *~*~*~*~* Buck, Jimmy, Teaspoon, and Rachel gathered outside the station the next morning despite the clouds that hung in the sky, promising a summer storm. Lou had packed lightly, taking the few photographs she had and the journal she kept and stashing them safely inside a saddlebag with some food Rachel provided. She rolled one of her few dresses in her bedroll and gave the rest to Rachel to donate to some family who might need them. "You know where you're goin'?" Teaspoon asked, a solemn expression gracing his face. "No," she said finally. "Thought I might head west on the Express trail." Chuckling to herself, she continued. "Who knows, maybe I'll end up in California." "You want some company?" They expected the question to come from Jimmy, but were surprised when it came from Buck. The two faced similar uncertain futures, and it never crossed their minds that Buck was just hanging on to avoid dealing with his own. Lou smiled at Buck in complete understanding. "No," she said sadly. "Thank you though. I gotta do this on my own." Buck nodded. "You want that money Kid sent?" Teaspoon hazarded. Lou flashed him a smile. "No way Teaspoon. That money don't belong to me, and you know it." Silently, Teaspoon nodded. "Write when you can," Rachel said, embracing Lou. "I will Rachel," she said, quietly hugging her. "If I get settled somewhere," she addressed them all, but looked at Buck, "y'all are welcome to visit." She hugged them all fiercely and exchanged a few words with each of them. Mounting Lightning, she turned her gaze over the station that had been her home for little less than a year, and looked back at the small congregation that was what was left of the family she found. "Thank you all," she said, quietly. "For everything." And with a loud "hiyah," she was off to the Western horizon, the rest watching her with heavy hearts. Soon, the rider disappeared, leaving only a trail of slowly settling dust. Teaspoon placed his arm around Rachel who had managed to hold back her tears until now, and silently he found peace with Kid's letter. He knew that despite the pain it caused, it also gave Lou the resolve to continue on this journey called life. The End A/N: What happens next? I've thought about it and thought about it, and even have two completely separate ideas I've been working on. I challenge anyone else to pick up where I left off, and write what you think happens next. It could be something that happens right away, or something that happens ten years down the line. All I ask is a nod to the original story in an author's note at the beginning. Email Peanut HOME